Soul Statements for Mindful Relationships

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0:44 Denzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you to do the same. Corey, Welcome to the show. Thanks glad to be here. Hey, I'm excited to have you here. It's an interesting topic and a book that I've had a chance to kind of go through and look at and so forth. So what I'd love for you to do, though, is to share with the. Audience kind of what your journey has been and what brought you to the point of writing the book, and then we can you know, you can talk about the book a little bit, but then we'll get into more detail. Okay, Well, I certainly wasn't born with a host of communication skills and the ability to do difficult conversations gracefully.

1:32 In fact, I was super shy. I'm painfully shy as a child. It was a wonderful boyhood a small town rural Maine, and a great family. And when I got out into the bigger world, I wondered why life wasn't just responding with awesomeness because I was such a good person. And so after trials, tribulation, triumphs, I decided I have to learn to do all of this better, and so I enrolled in bunches of personal development workshops, started to learn that honesty really means honesty on the inside. And as I got braver, being willing to speak up in defense of my heart or my needs. So and that just led me into I hired a love coach, and that led me eventually to becoming a love and relationship coach.

2:36 And what happened was I started asking people what was going on in their head, what were they telling themselves at moments of distress or hopelessness or helplessness or anger. And I realized that we can pre make some phrase or affirmation for those moments to go, oh yeah, when I'm catastrophizing, I'm thinking the worst about a situation or someone, I can say, you know what, I used to think that, or that's my old way of thinking. What's really true? Is I'm okay or some form of that, And so that basically became soul statements. And I was having such good response that I decided to write an article and I thought, you know, this actually should be a book.

3:26 And so because I included a lot more communication, not quite techniques, but just ways of doing communication and tips, and so I wanted it to be like a stand in for me. So the books like having a life coach right there by your side, with lots of things to do and things to avoid and personal journaling exercises sprinkled throughout. So yeah, that's how we got here. Well, okay, and you know, I was doing a podcast yesterday and it was interesting as we were talking about that awareness. You know, at what point in time do we say, Okay, enough is enough.

4:09 I've got to do something about this. And been having the courage to do What was your moment in time where you finally said to yourself, you know what, I've got to do something different. And as you mentioned, you hired a love coach. Can you share that with us a little short? Yeah, Well, in two thousand and nine, early two thousand and nine, I went through a very sudden, unexpected and traumatic breakup with my intimate partner of seven years. And it was just a huge shock, and I thought, this isn't the first time. I don't want to just keep as a seven year five year thing. I want to really I realized that the common denominator in my past relationships is me, and so so let's work on me.

5:02 And I had it and so and and I actually met someone well I was very interested in in partnering with. And I realized she needs someone to meet her at a higher level, someone who is more fearless than me, who's more more graceful at bringing up difficult subjects, who is less defended and willing to hear feedback and all this stuff. And so basically I had to up my game. And that's when I hired the love coach, and I said. Help, well, and you got into Tontri yoga. Talk talk about that a little bit and what what effect did that have and what is it exactly? Because everyone talks about yoga nowadays, and I think it has changed a lot from from actual activity and physical activity to a combination of that plush mental mindfulness.

5:57 Yeah, and so the school of Tantra actually like three schools that I went to, they really focus on slowing down, paying attention, paying attention to the moment, the texture and the texture of the moment. You're inhabiting the here and now, so to speak. And so it's really to me tntra is that attitude and practice of paying attention to the moment. And so I say, the more deeply you inhabit the moment, the more you are being tonric. And so it's about slowing down and paying attention. And we also kind of have this overarching attitude too of the same creator who made your mind, made your body, including the parts we used usually don't talk about.

6:52 And so. It's all okay, you know, the fears, the ego, that everything, it's all okay, and just be. The more we can just be and be undefended and live life on life's terms. We have, our experience approves. Well, and you know, you said something that I really appreciate. And again, this gets to be a common theme of people as I've talked to them, and I think it's important so much the audience understand that, you know, you took personal responsibility as you say, ultimately, you know, as we go through relationships and as ultimately they don't work, you know, and you can say, well, yo, she was this or he was that or whatever that happens to be.

7:37 But the reality, and you hit it right on the head is you know what, it's me. I've got to take personal responsibility for that. And I think that for people to get to the point where they're aware enough of themselves and willing and humble enough to say, you know what, this is my problem and I've. Got to figure it out. And I love what you talk. About when you talk about the contra the mindfulness and all of that type of stuff. So as you look at that, did you find that as you got into all of the meditation and doing all of those type of things, that you started to discover some subconscious imprints that literally were causing your behavior.

8:20 Yeah, And along with the practice of being more still being more mindful, really being present with whomever is in front of you. It brings up a certain level of awareness of your own motivations, and so it's a really I mean, I heard Tony Robbins say one time that true honesty isn't the ability to tell someone else what you think of them. It's about being honest about why you did something or didn't do something. And so being honest with myself about me is really at the heart of it. And also in Tantra, we say there is a beloved that dwells within and so you're not necessarily you're not trying to be that kind of taker, like, oh, I want an experience. I want an experience as much as I want to co create something beautiful and that could be just some of my most deeply impactful contric experiences have been with eye gazing, where you're doing your you're moving your energy, but you're also engaged with the eyes of another person, and just it's so connecting and spiritual and deep and powerful all at the same time.

9:48 It's really a profound thing. Well, and you know, I think that I think it's really important to understand, and over the years I've begun to really appreciate this, you know, you talk about still you talk about mindfulness, and I think for a huge majority of the people that they really don't even know how to experience that. And so as you work with people, how do you help them number one, to develop that sense of stillness and of mindfulness so that all ultimately they can start to experience that. And as you said, you know, we create our own experiences in life. You know, if we want to be victims, then everything's happening to us by somebody else. But if we start to really take that responsibility and realize we create our own experiences, then we can create what we really want to create.

10:43 But talk about the stillness, talk about the mindfulness. How does someone get to that point to where they can start to experience that? Yeah, I think it's a really good idea to try different things that maybe you haven't done before. But also where where in your life do you feel most connected to you? And for some people that might be on a run, or other people it might be sitting on a meditation pillow. Another person might be journaling or swimming. So wherever you feel most connected to you, that's a good place to start, and that's a good place to start paying deeper attention, and I'm a really big fan of journaling and also spending at least a couple of minutes every day just in silence and the meditation I really like at this time is I'm breathing. I know I'm breathing, I'm watching my breath, But basically, I'm trying to become still. I'm trying to become still with my body, with my thoughts. And the more still I become, more still, I feel that's the goal. And I'm my prayer, if you want to call it, that, is to then offer my stillness to the great stillness. And I'm really enjoying that well.

12:06 And you know, it's interesting as you look at the major religions in the world, whether it be Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, they all started with someone who literally took the time to be still, to be mindful, to meditate, and to gain that insight. For their followers. And I find that fascinating that they really are the ones that set that example for us, and yet we seem not to follow it at all. Well, there's great benefit in being still, be still in no be still in myself, be still in no God. I mean it's really at the heart, Like you said, it's at the heart of a relationship with yourself really well.

12:53 And when you talk about mindfulness, what do you mean by mindfulness? By mindfulness, I mean an awareness of what you're doing and maybe why you're doing it. So if I'm if I'm eating, or a better example, if I'm doing the dishes, I want to be doing the dishes. While I'm doing the dishes. I don't want to be thinking about something other than doing the dishes. I just want to be here doing that. And you know that's a challenge for a lot of us, and particularly I know that you know, we have certain situations in our lives where we constantly think about this and that, and it can be really a challenge for that to happen. So then you talk about connecting with people, and I want to talk about this a little bit.

13:42 You talk about communication. Let's talk about, because you're getting into the relationship aspect of this, what is good communication? How do you help people to understand what communication is, How is it good and how does it make a difference? Or I think good communication and is speaking from your own experience. In other words, I'm not starting sentences with me with you. You know, you're a dummy dog. You did this. I didn't like when you So it's more about I. And so in other words, are you interested in hearing my experience when such an such a thing happened, it felt like you know, So so you're you're talking about the impact of this other person maybe on you.

14:35 It's like, oh, you know, when you did this thing without asking, I got a warm feeling in my heart. It makes me feel good. I'm I apre. I have appreciation because everyone's the expert on why they did something, so they don't necessarily need to be schooled. I mean, and we can argue about why that was important or why it wasn't, But you are the and you are the expert on how it was like to be you. And so that's that's what you want to communicate. And the more you can be connected to your own center, to your values, to your value. So values might be I have a value for respect, for safety, for play, for serenity and so, and you want to speak up in defense of those values. And so if we can speak to them and for them, because we're starting off in a connected place back to and we get it's easier to be connected to your values, if you've spent time in silence or feeling connected to yourself, feeling those values, feeling the importance of respect and being respectful, kindness and so.

15:56 And if I believe myself to be a kind person, here's what honesty comes in. And I act in an unkind way, I either have to change how I think about myself. Well, maybe I'm not such a kind person. Or I go, oh, I slipped, that's not really who I really am. Let me, you know, make amends, or let me return to a better way of being, let me apologize, let me move forward and put kindness more in the in the front versus in the rearview mirror. Well, and I love that. I've been involved in behavioral analysis for a number of years, and as we do that analysis with people and particularly with couples, but even in business, what I found fascinating is when you get in and start to do that and look not only at the personality traits.

16:51 But also the values, the motivators. And when you have a couple that are struggling with that communication and with that relationship, and you can sit down with them and say, all right, you know, here's Joe these are his values. This is how he wants to be communicated with and spoken to. Here's Jill, and guess what this is how she wants to be And they're not the same. So then all of a sudden, if there's really that true respect, that connection and so forth, then Joe is going to start to realize, you know, when I speak to Jill, I need to speak to her in a way that she appreciates and feel safe and vice versa. And so I think you hit it right on the head that we can when we can start to open up about our own personal values and be transparent about that.

17:40 But then also the individuals that we're working with are communicating with, are willing to do that also, And we listen, and all of a sudden, it's like, Okay, I'm not going to talk the way I choose to talk. I'm going to talk the way it's important for them to feel safe. And I think you've hit on such an important point. Yeah. And and the thing is, Jill can also say, you know, these are actually the exact words I'd like to hear. Are you able to do that? And the and Jack can say, oh, those are the words wonderful. I can do that. Sometimes men need even a little more coaching at that granular level.

18:20 Well, they do. And what makes them fun is, all of a sudden, if Joe or Jack or whoever is not using those words, you know, then Jill could look and smile and laugh and say, okay, where were those words, and all of a sudden, rather than an antagonistic situation, you start to laugh, and to me, laughter, sure's a whole lot of ills. Yeah. Yeah. And just the more we're connected to who we really are, beneath circumstance, beneath wherry, then we can speak from our values. And that that's you know, part of what soul statements do it. It's just you know, what's right about me is always available. That's a great soul statement. So when we're when we're screwing up, we can remember that and get and go okay, you know, I can get to what's right about me. It's available, you know, without a bunch of conversation. I can just go back to realignment and have that kind of emotional coherence with you know, the capable of me versus you know, the critical me or the other me.

19:23 Well, and you mentioned, you know a while ago about ego. And I think that's something really important for people to understand how ego literally affects our life, either for the good or if we are really still. And mindful, we don't allow it. But talk a little bit about ego and what your experience has been with that. Yeah, so with with ego, the well, one anecdote to ego is acting as if I'm not the most important person in the room and making my making this my companion, whoever they may be, maybe a coworker, making their experience important.

20:06 And one of the ways we can offer that is through acknowledgment. And one of the things I love about acknowledgment. We can say, oh, I get this is a big problem for you. I see that you're distressed. Well, I don't have to agree that they should be distressed. I can disagree with their whole premise, but I don't have to say that. I could just say I get that you're distressed, and it's like, yeah, I am, thank you. So it's just that acknowledgment is a kindness. And I've also heard the word ego as an acronym for edging God out, And it's when I think I'm the most important and my needs and you know, the times that I get off, shall we say, a little snarky in my own life are inevitably the times where I'm thinking about me, not about the experience of another person.

21:05 Well, and we hold onto things. We want a bigger house, we want this, we want that. I have to be right, and you hit it on the head. So often someone will say something that we totally disagree with and we have to say, you know. What, that's so wrong, here's what's right. And that is. Happening now in the country, you know, in the US so much and creating such disparity and anger and all of that going on. But to be able to sit back and as you say, the stillness and mindfulness and say, okay, you know what, I'm understanding what you're saying from your point of view. I can see how you think.

21:46 About that, and then shut up rather than saying, but here's what the truth is. And it's interesting to me that we don't seem to be able to do that often, and yet that becomes the key to not only good communication, but to good relationships and connection with other people. Yeah, curiosity will take a personal long way, you know, especially if somebody did something that I find offensive or I'm angry that they did this or that. The A really good approach is to get curious, you know, especially if it's like if it's your child. You know, oh, you just jumped into the pool with all your clothes on that I just took out of the dryer and put on you, you know, instead of yelling and your little you know, dummy dog, what you know, you don't just say, hey, man, how come you didn't take your clothes off before you got in the water. Just see what they have to say.

22:45 It's a better place to start. Well, And you know, as we get to your book and soul statements and really those are affirmations, okay, Yeah, And what I what I find is, as I've studied, as I've got different sort of vfications and so forth, and we've talked a lot about affirmations. It's interesting that people will use affirmations but they don't really believe them, you know. And so as you talk about that, and as I looked through your book and saw, you know, a lot of the stuff you were talking about, one of the things that came to my mind is what's the difference between truth versus hope? When you start to use affirmations, and then we'll get into that a little bit more.

23:26 But truth versus hope, how do you create an affirmation that your mind and your soul can believe rather than an affirmation of hope that you're not sure about. Yeah, well, you don't want to trick your brain or attempt to trick your brain, I should say, because your cells, know your bones, know your subconscious nos. And so with the kind of affirmation I'm talking of and writing of, you're not trying to inhabit a future state or a desired outcome. You're not trying to will yourself into you know, a different body or something like that. You're reminding yourself of your own resourcefulness. And so I mean, so you can remind yourself what you're made of and that helps shift you into a better state. So I can say, as a soul statement, I have grit inside me, and I might use that when I'm feeling unsure or like I don't know if I can do this or figure this out. You're like, you know what, that's an old thought.

24:38 The truth is I have grit inside me. I'm made of tough stuff. And you're like, oh, yeah, I am. And so it's just increasing your resourcefulness and getting you too, that to be aligned with the more empowered you. Well, and as you say that, what comes to my mind is, you know, you say I have GrITT and so forth, but the reality is you've got these subconscious imprints. It says you're not good enough, you're not powerful at all. Unless you work on those. That affirmation doesn't work well. You You you want to counter that I'm not good enough by saying I used to think that. I used to think that. What's true is and you know you've got it right when you just feel more solid all of a sudden, and there's there's some kind of a little molecular or energetic shift in your field, like you're just like, yeah, I'm I'm a loved child of God, and it's going to be okay or whatever. It's going to really anchor you into your resourcefulness, your your more loving kind self. And because the truth, the truth is, we are resourceful. And I actually have survived every bad day of my life up to this point. I meet it through every bad day, so there is some amount of grit there that I can remind myself well.

26:06 And as you say, you know, as we've talked about it. When you can start to practice stillness, when you can start to practice mindfulness and meditation, and if you're really focused on that personal transformation, all of a sudden you start to become aware of those subconscious imprints. And as you say, the minute that you're aware of them, then you can say, you know, this is what I used to think, But the reality is that's not true. That's right. And sometimes I'll even do a little smirk, hell like physically smirk and go, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm thinking that again. I thought that so many times. It's not true. Doesn't work. What's true? Is I mean, come on, come on, brain, you know, like that's an old tape. And the truth is that my soul knows what to do. My heart is a trusted guide.

27:02 Or you know, I have a client and you know, I've been spouting off different ones, but she just picked one and that's awesome. She just says I got this, and it's like, okay, all right, and that works for her and she applies it to everything. I got this, and that's how she gets it, you know, into a little bit better of a thought, which then can propel you to the next right action for the next mass action. Let's talk about scientifically, what does that do to the brain when we, number one, are able to recognize these subconscious imprints and so forth and beliefs that have been affecting us in a negative way, and we start to use those affirmations, those soul statements in a way that are honest and we really believe them, what does that do scientifically to our brain?

27:57 Well, I don't know about the science. I just know that when I really get it, I just it's like my bones agree and they go, yeah, it's okay. You know, there's an okayness about it and a deepening and a sureness. And I heard Tony Robbins say one time, he said, you know, our minds are designed to look for what's wrong, and what's wrong is always available, so is what's right. And that was actually one of the kernels that led me to soul statements. I'm like, yeah, so of course we're catastrophizing, we're angry, we're thinking the worst, we're maybe self deprecating on the inside, and we can do all that.

28:44 We're really good at it. We've got plenty of practice, we all have, and we can also script in advance that thing, that statement that counters that that's more true actually, and we can go, oh wait, I got something right here back pocket. You know, it's like, oh I got this, you know, like a little postcard to yourself. Well, I'm And the reason I asked that question is because you know, in my mind, our lives are just a series of habits, and those habits are based on those subconscious belief systems, imprints, whatever we want to call them. And yet, how do we change habits? Well, we have to consciously be able to do that. But what happens is you have developed neural pathways that continue to confirm those old habits, and the only way to change that on a permanent basis is to start to move away from those pathways and to create new neural pathways. And so what really hit me is you talk about the soul statements, these affirmations, and particularly if you're doing it through meditation and some of these other things, what you're really doing is you're changing those neural pathways, and literally you're changing your brain and your thinking to the point where you don't believe that old stuff anymore, because now you have created a new life, new neural pathways and it has become a new habit of positivity.

30:13 Mm. Absolutely. And you know the other thing is you can add a what I call it, I write about this in the book a power gesture, and you know, like a kind of a you know, little kind of a thing, or fists in the air, or just you know, hand on the heart, or you can even if you're in a place where it might not be appropriate or feel weird or you don't want to draw attention to yourself, you can just imagine your hand going over your heart and saying, my inner knowing is available to me. Or you know, I can trust love. I have a beloved that lives within Okay, And so that involving the physiology kind of gives it a little bit more. How are too well?

31:01 How important is it to observe your conversation with yourself? I know you have a whole chapter of that in your book, and you know, I think about that and realize, you know, so often we have these conversations and then how does someone suddenly stop for a minute and go, Wow, these conversations I'm having with myself. Are not helping me. They're actually causing me to experience even less happiness and less joy. How how do you help people to really change those conversations with themselves to be positive. And to create that happiness and joy? You know, Well, sometimes it can start with just realizing that you're inside your head as kind of a bad neighborhood and so uh and these these you know bullies, these these uh thought bullies are going to jump out from behind the next you know telephone poll and go oh.

31:56 Remind reminds you of how incapable or scared you are. And it happens to all of us. And that's why we want a counter ready to go like, you know, that's old, that's that was my old life. And you know, I'm I'm taking responsibility and I'm gonna I've got other thoughts that I can think in those moments and and sometimes if there's a lot going on and I feel starting to feel a little out of control for my my time and whatever, I can remember back to this experience I had one time it was hot, really hot on mountain road, dirt road, and there was this beautiful spring.

32:42 Somebody had put an old clowset baptob up in there and it was so old that it all minerals had built up all around it, and it was just it was not going anywhere, and I just stopped and I sat there and just there were dragonflies buzzing around and they the heat. You can almost feel the heat waves. But the water was just so pure and clean, and there was a certain contentment about that scene, and I was like, Wow, everything's as it should be, Everything's in its place, everything is there's nowhere to go. It's all right here. And so I have a sole statement that I it'll take me right back to that feeling when I say, the contentment of the mountains lives inside me, and I can feel that place and I can feel me being there. And so the more we could just pay attention to those moments and realize that if I didn't have part of that inside me already, I wouldn't respond to it. It would mean nothing. But I am connected to life and to nature and to what's good, and so I can bring that back and kind of remind myself as needed.

33:57 And you know, I think you've hit on it. We need to know that the Divna it does lie within us, that that goodness lies within us, and a lot of people have never taken the time to realize that. Yeah, And I think that's one way to start is journaling. I'm a big fan of journaling and it and uh, even if you want to some people like to do a dream journal where they wake up in the morning and first saying, just write whatever they can remember. That's kind of a nice way to start something going and can lead to some insights, you know. So when you're journaling, what besides that? What what do people journal about? I hear that a lot. All we needed journal we need a journal. And yet what do you journal about?

34:42 What? What is it that if you correctly journal, it's it's helping you. Well, I don't know if they're well, there certainly isn't one or two ways to do it correctly. A way that I think is really helpful is journaling. Oh this and that thing happened, and this is where I folded, And this is why I got scared. I didn't want to be embarrassed. And this is what my embarrassment is costing me, or my avoidance of embarrassment. This is what it's costing me. And and feel it and and and uh. One time my son had called me and he was crying and he had gotten knocked out in boxing practice, and he was an aspiring boxer, and he's like, I don't want to have any more concussions. I've had way too many already, and I don't know what else to do.

35:36 And and I told him, well, first of all, you know you've got you've got an apartment, a girlfriend, a car, you're you're a man, you've got a credit card. It's like, slow down, you know what you're gonna I said, what you're gonna do is you're gonna you're going to go in the house, drink a bunch of water, and you and go into your bedroom, turn off the lights and just lie there, lie in the dark, and let your brain heal. Stay there as long as you possibly can, hopefully at least a day if you can. And while you're there, I want you to feel the agony of this, feel the sorrow of the loss of this dream. And if you can feel the distress and the pain of that, the disappointment, if you can feel that long enough, there's something underneath.

36:30 It for you. And so he didnath what was underneath it is, Oh, I don't have to there's other forms of martial arts where I don't have to get punched in the head every day, and I can still do my love, I can do jiu jitsu, I can do these other things where that doesn't involve getting hit in the face. And I love this, but maybe I shouldn't be doing it where I'm just like concussion. Every week there's another concussion. Well, and that's a great example. I love that. So as we close, what would be that final message that you'd like to share with the audience.

37:11 I would like to share that you can learn to call up the best part of you in a moment, and that initially the hero and the coward feel the same thing. They both feel afraid, but it's what they do next that defines them wonderful. How do people find you? How do people find your book? Well, I'm at core relationship dot com. I'm also easy to find Corey lyon fulsom on Instagram and on my website Core relationship dot Com. There's a page to check out my book. There's a whole bunch of info about how I do coaching. There's a couple dozen blog articles I've written, and yeah, but Soul Statements is the thing I'm most proud of. It's got all my best stuff in there.

38:04 Now, is it on Amazon or any of those. It's on Amazon, bookshop dot org. You can also always ask your local bookstore to order it. Great, great, Corey, Thanks so much. What a tremendous insight that you've shared with people. I think that it's so wonderful to see people who are making a difference in other peoples. Lives, so I appreciate that. Thank you very much. Well in folks, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. This is a doctor Doug saying, I mista