#34 Responsibility
In this episode, Arnold Beekes takes up responsibility, which links back to the starting point he shared a few episodes ago: you are good enough, and it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility. He lays out four ways to deal with it. First, you can accept responsibility for your well-being or refuse it, and refusing means “I’m a victim, it’s just the way I am.” Second, if you refuse, you become a pinball of other people and circumstances, your problems remain, and you feed a need for significance and attention. Fear often stops people from accepting responsibility, and they end up seeking relief rather than a cure, through drinking, partying, drugs, sex or porn. Third, you sometimes have to take responsibility for things that are not under your control, like a child kicking a ball through a neighbour’s window, where you are still legally responsible, which means balancing your own responsibility with letting go so you don’t feel powerless. Fourth, you take responsibility for what is under your control, which in the Stoic view is very little, but includes your thoughts, feelings and emotions. How you respond is the heart of your well-being, and if you focus on the cure you look at the cause and ask what you can do about it. Arnold’s own daily practice is to ask himself what went well, not what went wrong. The episode closes with a story of everyday beauty from Leicestershire, where 87-year-old Phyllis Day, who has Alzheimer’s, was asleep when a fire broke out at 11:30 pm. Her daughter Suzanne saw two half-dressed men ramming the front door on her doorbell camera and thought it was a break-in, but the neighbours had smelled smoke and run straight out. One of them was driven back twice by the smoke before reaching the bedroom, and they walked Phyllis out, one arm each. She was treated for smoke inhalation and made a full recovery.
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#BetweenTheEars #BrainUpgrade #Responsibility #Stoicism #EverydayBeauty #ArnoldBeekes #SelfAwareness
Welcome, I'm Arnold Bekus and I enable you to have a better life between the ears because your inner state creates your outer reality. Today's topic is responsibility. A few episodes ago I talked about the starting points for your journey to improve your brain fitness and the first one I mentioned was you are good enough.
And then I mentioned that it's not your fault but it's your responsibility. And what do I mean by responsibility? A lot of people don't like that word but there are a few ways to deal with it. The first one is you can accept responsibility for your well-being or you can refrain from accepting.
Refrain from accepting means I'm a victim, I cannot help it, it's just the way I am. Or you can accept responsibility. That's your choice.
Yes, you have a choice. The second point is if you don't accept that responsibility, you will be a pinball of other people and circumstances. Your problems will remain and that will fuel your need for significance and your urge to get attention.
Often it's fear that prevents people from taking responsibility as that might impact their foundation and their foundation is being miserable. And it not only impacts your foundation but also your identity and narrative. These are the people who focus on relief not on cure.
Meaning I feel lousy, I feel not good enough so let's drink a lot every night or let's party like crazy every weekend or use drugs or sex or porn. You don't accept the responsibility for your well-being but you find other ways to manage your way that you're not feeling good. The third option is you can take responsibility for things that are not under your control.
That might be you say why can I have to take responsibility for things that are not under my control. Well that happens in work, with clients, even with your spouses and children. You say your child is playing football on the street and then he kicks the ball and it ruins the window of the neighbor.
Then you can say well I'm not responsible. It's the child who did it. No, legally you are responsible.
So you have to take that responsibility and that requires balancing your own responsibility for your own feelings and thought with letting go. Otherwise you will feel powerless. Yes, you didn't play football, you didn't kick the ball but hey you put the child together with your wife on the world.
So it is your responsibility and you have to take it. So you have to pay the neighbor so that he can call the guys to install a new window. The fourth one of being responsible is that you can take responsibility for what is under your control.
So what are things that are under your control? By the way this is a stoic dogma I would say. There are very few things in a life under our control. But your thoughts, your feelings and emotions are under your control.
Nobody else. That's at the heart of your well-being. So what is key is how you respond.
And if you take responsibility for that then you focus on the cure. If you feel lousy, if you feel a lack of confidence, if you feel overwhelmed, you look at the cause and say hey what can I do about it? Or if you feel not good enough, well start looking at the things which go well. I have this practice every day in my everyday rituals.
I ask myself what went well. I'm not asking myself what did go wrong. I asked what went well.
So responsibility, taking responsibility for your life, for your well-being and everything what happens between the ears. It's your choice and it's your responsibility. Everyday beauty.
We conclude each session with some examples of everyday beauty. Because beauty and especially moral beauty like kindness, courage and compassion has a very positive influence on your inner state. There were people who broke down a door at midnight to save a stranger.
The doorbell camera made them look like criminals. So Phyllis Day is 87 and she has Alzheimer's and she was asleep in her home in Leicestershire when fire broke out at 11.30 pm. Five miles away her daughter Suzanne was jolted awake by a doorbell camera alert showing two half-dressed men ramming her mother's front door.
She thought wow they're breaking into her house. But Puff Sarple and Stephen Smart had smelled smoke and ran straight out. Puff was driven twice by smoke so thick he couldn't breathe.
When he finally reached the bedroom Phyllis was asleep unaware the house was on fire. She looked at me like I was going to rob her he said. He and Stephen took an arm each and walked her out.
And while Suzanne was on the phone to emergency services convinced that she was watching a burglary until she used the doorbell intercom and the men explained. And she then guided them to the keyboard. Phyllis was treated for smoke inhalation and made a full recovery.
I was thinking Charles should deny them all Suzanne said. Remember we need your uniqueness. Be a better maker.
For yourself. For others. The world.
