Money as Safety: Rebuilding Self-Trust & Financial Power

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Women of Live, the live version of my top 20 women's empowerment podcast, women of color and intimate conversation.I'm your host, Danino Garrett.And as I mentioned before, and I've been mentioning across social medias, I'm in Vegas.I am at the Women of Power Summit.So if you see people walk by, you hear extra noise, whatever it is, what it is, because that's what it's like when you're on site.So today's guest is someone that isShe and I have been connected for a number of years and we'll get into that.But the live is here.We're here every Thursday at one p.m.Eastern.So however you're watching right now, show up every week, one p.m.Eastern.And you can also catch the replay.So check it out.Listen on your favorite podcast platform, YouTube, LinkedIn Live.So I want to shout out the Leon Thomas group.who is producing the live and shout out to Owen, who is on the ones and 2.So thank you so much for all of that.So today we're talking about money as safety with Kaylin Foley.She is an internationally recognized advocate, author and empowerment coach.So like I said, Kaylin and I have known each other for a while.She's actually one of my very first friends.um podcast guest so she's been rocking with me as far as in this space for like 6 almost 6 years we're going on 6 years and i'm so appreciative of her and also she is one of the uh she's a part of the dream lifestyle collective and so if you are a part of the dream lifestyle collective and you're watching now drop dreamer um if you're watching um drop uhW-O-C.And if your family or friends drop that a heart or something like that, just to let me know that you're out there.So Kaylin, welcome to Women of Color Live.Hi, thank you for having me.I'm so happy to be here.Yeah, absolutely.So let's kind of get into it.So like I said, we've been on each other for a number of years, supported one another.You've also sent some guests my way.And so very thankful of you and the relationship that we have and how supportive of the things that you are.So tell us a little bit about what you have going on.You have something coming up, I believe, next week on the mom team.Yes.So next week, I'm hosting a workshop on my birthday.And it is a workshop focused on writing a book.So it's the one year anniversary of my workbook, the Dreams and Visions workbook.And I wrote that workbook last year as aI launched it last year on my birthday, and it was a book that I launched to help people to achieve their goals.So for over 20 years, I've been helping people to achieve goals of entrepreneurship and recovering from getting out of domestic violence relationships to how to start their own nonprofits and things of that nature.And so through all of my experience, I put this book together to really methodically help step-by-step people to write their goals.But from that book, I also have gotten invitations to be on podcasts like today or speaking engagements.I have a panel next week.I then launched my coaching business as a result of the book because people were like, I really want to go deeper.I want your one on one support.So I launched the coaching business last year.So the workshop is going to walk people through how to get started, how to get that book out there in the world, and what the benefits of having a book are, how you can launch many different businesses and have it support your current business.And I'm also going to be really transparent about some missteps I made along the way for my first book.So that's on my birthday, because that's when I launched it last year.March, March, March, March, March, March, March, March,Awesome.Thank you so much for sharing and happy early birthday.And so Kaylin's ways to connect with her are scrolling across the screen as well as it will be part of the show notes.So you'll be able to follow up with Kaylin.So let's kind of get into today's conversation.Kaylin, who were you before your current title?And what was the decision that shifted your trajectory?Oh, that's a good question.So who was I before my current title?I was a mom.I was a young mom.I was in my twenties and I had an instance of being in a domestic violence situation where myOnly his daughter's father tried to murder me and he assaulted me to the point to where he shattered my left eye socket.It was really hard for me financially.And so once I got back on my feet, I had to get surgery.I have a titanium implant that replaced the bone under my eye.He completely shattered my eye.And I had to get back on my feet.And I went back to school in the field of human resources.And as I grew my career and I became human resource administrator, I then learned that other people on the workplace had gone through similar experiences.God gave me the vision to start a nonprofit organization in Detroit, Sisters Acquiring Financial Empowerment.and through that work of helping survivors in Detroit specifically to overcome the economic effects of abuse.with through entrepreneurship finding work getting housing being stable but all integrating a safety plan i got recognized by the obama administration i was invited to then vice president joe biden's house twice for violence against women reception i spoke before congress and different organizations around the country was asked me to come out and to help themdevelop toolkits, provide consulting for them to grow their organizations and to really be more effective in helping survivors of domestic violence overcome the economic effects.So I was doing that work for many years in Detroit.We had huge events that would bring out over nine hundred people every year for domestic violence awareness events, Safe Health and Wealth Expo, if any of the listeners remember that amazing event.And then in 2020In two thousand and sixteen, it's a longer story.Basically, I went to St.Thomas on vacation, met a man who married me.An engagement ring 2 months later and we got married in 20 15.I moved from Detroit, Michigan, to St.Thomas, U.S.Virgin Islands in 20 16.And as working there, I started working for the state or the territory-wide domestic violence coalition as their training and technical assistance manager, providing training and really a form of coaching as technical assistance and really supporting other people along their journey.And so that's what I was doing.And then I moved to a national organization called Ujima, which really focused on domestic violencefor African-American survivors of domestic violence.So and then I launched my book and then my coaching business.And so that's my trajectory.Thank you.You're welcome.And thank you for sharing that.And before we go on, I do just want to pause just for a quick moment because, you know, some of what you shared is a bit heavy.So, you know, women, anyone who may be experiencing this currently,have experienced it in the past, domestic violence, violence of any nature, you know, I just want to just pause for a moment and just take a breath.So, Kaylin, thank you so much for sharing your story and sharing your survival, because that's what it's about.And that's what we want to focus on.We want to focus on the survivor aspect of it and the things that you were able to accomplish from that and as a result.So what did you have to unlearn to operate at the level you're operating at today?You mentioned some changes that you had.You mentioned how you started safe.then you went to a national organization all the things in between but what did you have to unlearn to be who you are and doing what you're doing today and how has that changed how you define success now as a black woman you know we're taught a whole lot of things that we have to unlearn and one of them is taking off that superwoman capeAsking for help, getting mentor and getting a coach, getting people to support, asking for help.That's hard for us.That's really hard for us to move past that.Asking people to volunteer for my organization, selling.You know, those are things that don't necessarily are innate to us because we've been programmed in a different way.So I would say that's it really dependent on my faith.has been a huge blessing to me personally and my work.Really taking a huge step of moving faith forward in my business.That was huge.That was actually really scary for me to do.I thought people wouldn't connect with me.And that's the main thing that people love about my coaching is that it integrates faith with helping Christians, women entrepreneurs to start or maintain or scale their businesses.So I didn't know if people would connect with that, but they absolutely love it.Then I would say the third thing that I had to unlearn was in addition to taking off the Superwoman cape and asking for help, leaning on my faith, I would say the third thing is outsourcing.And that's another thing because of the Superwoman cape.We're ashamed to need help as far as paying for help like a housekeeper does.we don't have any shame about going get our hair done but other things like paying for someone to design a flyer or something like well i could do it myself you can do it yourself but it takes you a day how much revenue are you losing when you possibly is something you could outsource to someone else soand saying no.So that's another one.That's another one, right?So you know what?So before we take a break, I do want to mention and kind of expand what you just said.You're absolutely right.We don't ask for help.We don't, you know, we don't want to spend extra money, you know, on things that really can help us to earn more money.And it makes me think about Rachel Rogers.So Rachel Rogers, for those that don't know her, she wrote this book, We Should All Be Millionaires.And we should.So I agree.And one of the things that she put in the book is like, think about the life that you want, that dream lifestyle.You know, that's what we're about here.Think about that dream lifestyle and how much it costs to sustain that dream lifestyle and then back into it, right?Start creating coaching programs, offers, learning tools, et cetera.Do things to earn that money.But one of the things that Kaylin just said is think about the things that you're doing that you don't enjoy doing.and then outsource it.So like in her case, she don't like cooking.So she hired a cook and or she had the pre-packaged meals, et cetera.She was willing to spend that money for that because then it gave her the time and the room and the space, physically, mentally, which is really what it's about, the mental space to be able to doadditional things so think about that ladies so those who are watching listening um it's okay to ask for help matter of fact we want you to ask for help start practicing it just with simple stuff practices with small things and then go to the bigger thing so we're going to go ahead and take a quick breakLeon Thomas with the Leon Thomas Group.Podcasts, virtual events, webinars, streaming shows, and so much more.We want to be your partner in all things virtual.All right.Well, welcome back to Women of Color Live.We're talking about money as safety with Kaylin Fong-Fohey.So let's get into that.Let's get into talking about that.So Kaylin, I want to pull something specific from your journey.So as you mentioned, you found it safe and centered financial empowerment for survivors.Why was it important for you to address money as a safety issue, not just as a financial issue?Well, first of all, God specifically told me to start this organization.And why it was important was because that was my experience.So my experience happened in 19 98.That was only 4 years after the Violence Against Women Act went into law.And so what happened was there weren't a whole lot of resources and support.And the topic around economic abuse wasn't even a topic.And so when I started the organization, so this happened to me in 19 98.I didn't start the organization till two thousand and six.And I think that's important for survivors to know that even if you have a desire to do this work or to help other people in this work, that you are taking care of yourself.You know, the whole analogy on the airplane and putting on your mask first.And that's what I did.We had counseling.We had therapy.We me and my daughter.I got support.I went back to school.I went to church.I did all the things to support myself first.And now that it's now two thousand and six and I'm starting this organization, I really reflected on my own experience and I knew that I needed help.I needed help myself at that time.And so my program was specifically it was like at that time in 2006 is very.unusual to have a niche organization in the nonprofit sector.The organizations were all comprehensive services.They helped in any area.They did housing.They helped you relocate your dog.They helped you with your mentalwith therapy and things of that nature.And so for me to say, I'm helping in this specific way, I'm helping survivors who are being stopped.How do you seek work and be safe at the same time?How do you protect your account, your bank account, your job?And so it was safety planning that was built through every step of the way of the program.And because I worked on that specific area and was successful in it, I pulled my HR background and helped survivors with my interviews when they felt how they felt that they couldn't be confident in an interview because they've been told that they're stupid and they don't mean anything.And they've been told this for so many years and it's eroded their self-esteem.through the emotional and mental abuse.And so helping survivors to work through all of those challenges, they were very, very effective in it.I was able to focus and give a focused approach.And I'm just glad that it really did work.And to this day, there are so many survivors who will reach out to me and say, I'm still doing good.I'm still running this business.I'm still in the house.I purchased the house.And that makes me feel really glad that I listened.I was obedient and started this organization in the way that God toldYeah, so bless you for that.And again, I just want to pause for a moment because we are, you know, going at something that's very traumatic for many, some that are watching right now could be in this, could have survived this, may know other people.So I want to make sure that, you know, we go ahead and just pause for that.If it's okay, I also want to say that if you or someone needs help, you can go nationally in the United States, look at thehotline.org.It's thehotline.org, and that's the National Domestic Violence Hotline for resources and services.And you go to their website, there's even resources for people who have loved ones and what you can do to help someone you love.I appreciate that.Thank you so much for sharing thehotline.org.Yes, T-H-E-H-O-T-L-I-N-E dot O-R-G.So thehotline.org is very simple, the National Domestic Violence Hotline.All right.Thank you.Thank you so much for that.So let's kind of talk about money.So again, I want to focus on the survivor aspect.I want to focus on this side of it.But before we go there, I do want people to kind of understand how women or men, those who are in these situations, are manipulated for money.So can you talk to that for a little bit?Sure.Economic abuse.So economic abuse is where it's one of those type of abuses that you don't necessarily recognize or know you're in it immediately.It may start with this person is better with handling money or they're better handling the finances.So I'm going to turn it over to them.but then they're not sharing with you their account numbers, your name isn't on the car, your name isn't on the house, and now you're trying to leave and you don't have any resources of your own to take with you.It could also look like this person is coming to your job or they're calling your job or causing really problems on your job, stalking you on the workplace, and then the job fires you oryou know, somehow gets rid of you.So now you do not have financial stability.This person is capacity to put their name on your accounts or getting credit cards in your name.And now you're getting garnishments and and liens on your your money.And so those are just some of the ways that it can happen, stopping you from actually physically stopping you from going to work, physically stopping you from going to that interview again in an effort to keep your money.and so what happens is when a person has been restricted in these kind of ways even if you have a job that you don't have access to your own funds your resources even on a lower level of of income restricting food benefits or keeping your medications from you like all of these things could end up costing you money where now you have to replace the medicineAnd so all of these different economic indicators and issues around domestic violence is why a very specific approach is needed.So having that conversation with a survivor who is looking for work, but they're scared of their personal safety.Okay, when you leave for that interview, do not leave in your interview clothes.This person knows how you dress on a day-to-day basis.Dress like you're going to the laundromat.Take some clothes to the bathroom.And then go to the interview.So talking about very, very specific strategies to keep them safe.Keeping copies of your passport, your bank account, all of your information so that if you need to go, that you have it somewhere safe.Because what happens is you have nothing and then the survivors go through the challenge of trying to have, now the abuser is trying to keep custody of the children by saying, well, I have a house, I have a car, I have a job.Thisthe victim doesn't have anything, so the children.And these are reasons why sometimes survivors will stay longer because they're like, well, I'm kind of in this situation.I don't want to lose access to my kids.So I'll stay in this situation so I can be close to my kids.This is where compassion is needed from everyone.You don't know what a person has been through, what they're going through, what choices they make when we say, well, why didn't she leave?Homicides happen a lot of the time.There's a statistic on when the homicides happen when a survivor is actually trying to leave.Domestic violence is not about love or someone wanting to just, I just love you so much or I snap.It's an intentional system of power and control.This person wants to have power and control over you.And that's why, and finances is just one tool that they use to control the victim.And so getting help, getting resources, it's okay to ask for help.Being compassionate for other people is so important.Absolutely.So for those who are watching or listening, we're talking about money of safety with Kaylin, who is a domestic violence survivor.And so she's turned that into, you know how we say you go through a test and you turn it into a testimony?And so Kaylin has done that.So we're going to kind of take some steps back to something that she shared with us earlier.So Kaylin, you went on a vacation to the Virgin Islands and share with us again what happened.So my mom passed.I was super depressed.And some months later, a friend of mine was like, you know what, we should go on a vacation.We went on the vacation.Ten days later, the night I landed, I met my husband and who would be my husband.I met Paul Foy.He mailed me in the mail an engagement ring on my birthday, which is March.He mailed it on March.We got married August.And I moved to the Virgin Islands a year later on our first anniversary, August.The wedding was amazing.It was in Detroit.Like, 50 of his people came up to the wedding.It was a large wedding in Detroit.I called it Destination Detroit Wedding.I even had, I had always dreamed of the song, She's a Bad Man of Jamma playing as I walked down the aisle.I found Carl Carlton, the singer of the song, Grammy-nominated, who's now passed.Rest in peace to Carl.But he performed at my wedding, She's a Bad Man of Jamma, as I walked down the aisle.It was just fabulous.been here we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this past august and it'll be ten years of me living here this august that is beautiful and that's why i wanted to you know go back to that to let people know about you know how you know you can turn those situationsand how they can become positive situations happy situations and in your case how that worked out completely and so for those who are watching or listening you are part of the dream lifestyle collector which is the community for black women lifting up it's our safe space it's our place to to build and toto grow and to connect.And we're just getting started, right?And so we welcome you to join us.Kaylin is part of that.Last week's guest, Cheryl, is also part of it.And next week's guest is Gia, is also part of it.And Gia actually is with me.We're here in Vegas at the Women of Power Summit.We're here as media.That's why I have a white badge.But we are here in Gia.She is my support.So she and I are going to deep dive a little bit and talk about the summit next week.So make sure you come back Thursday, every Thursday, one p.m.Eastern.So Caitlin, you also have the opportunity to talk about your experience, your magical experience, your beautiful experience at an event in Detroit.Tell us a little bit about that event.which which event oh girl so you've talked about it at more than one look at you okay the storytellers oh yes so i told my story um some years ago on on the stage at the twisted storytellers i just love them they do a monthly event and so i talked about my love story on how i moved to saint thomas and that's actually on youtube if people wantYou just lift my name up, Kaylin Foy.It's F-A-H-I-E, but it's pronounced like F-O-Y.I know that's unusual, but it's Kaylin Foy and Storytellers.And the story will come up.It's about 30 minutes, but it's a good story.You should check it out.Absolutely.And so make sure that you do that, right?Make sure that you check her story out and again, recognize her journey, where she came from, where she is today, because it's possible.And again, that's why we're talking about money as safety.That's why we're stressing the importance of what to do with your money.As a person who may be in a domestic violence situation and just in general, just, you know, honoring your money and doing things with it.Kaylin talked about how a lot of women that has come through her organization, how they share with her, how much they appreciate her and what she's done, how they own homes, they're still in their homes.They started businesses, they're still in their businesses.So obviously what Kaylin is doing and has done has had great impact.Again, she mentioned how she was recognized by the Obama administration.So again,Congratulations to you.Thank you so much.Absolutely.And so I have another question.And this one, what I want to know is for the woman who is watching, who feels the power towards more, what permission would you give her so she knows she's meant for more?Oh, that's awesome.So personally, I'll give her the permission to pray.Because sometimes we feel like we can't pray for ourselves and our own dreams and our own goals.So asking God to give you the direction, the provision, the guidance on how to move forward.The permission to ask for help, whether it's coaching, mentorship.I just need someone to help me with the step one, 2, 3 on how to get there.So asking for help, I give you the permission to do that.And I give you the permission to give yourself grace because you might feel like,oh, I've tried this before.I've done this before and it didn't work out.I give you the permission to forgive yourself and to move forward and to go for it again.It's okay to try.It's okay to pivot.It's okay to say, I didn't like that.I want to try something else.It's all right to do that.i love that so give yourself permission um to ask for help um give yourself grace uh forgive yourself and definitely move forward and so what i also want to add to that is if you don't wait for permission you become it and when you commit everything rises to meet you that's the dream lifestyle standard so if you're ready um to not just hear it but live it that's what we build inside the dream lifestyle collectiveStrategy, Sisterhood, and Structure for your next chapter.So, Kalen, before we wrap things up and I get back to my conference and you go check on those chickens, what would you like to leave those who are watching or listening with?Well, I would want them to also know that what I'm doing right now.So I am the executive director of the Virgin Islands Coalition Against Domestic Violence, a new organization that I founded to fill the gap where we did not have a coalition for the last 3 years here in the Virgin Islands.So I'm leading that project.And I also have launched my soft life coaching and soft life is spirit led, organized, funded and transformed byHelping black Christian entrepreneurs start, sustain, scale their businesses with strategy and structure.So people are interested in my coaching.They definitely can follow me on the screen now is where you can get on my mailing list and I'll send you a thirty day action plan that will help you.meet a goal in 30 days and that's completely free of charge so sign up for my list learn more about who I am check out my book my coaching as well as the workshop that I'm hosting next Thursday March the 19th on what the one-year anniversary of my book and how it helped me 6 different ways in my business and how a book can help youThank you.And again, early, happy birthday.Thank you.Yes.Early one year anniversary on your book.Thank you.Thank you.It's exciting.Yes.And so her socials, ways to get connected with her are scrolling at the bottom of the screen.Plus, they will be part of the show notes.And so, Kaylin, you talked about, I want to just raise this final point, but you talked about asking for help.You even mentioned other people, other women.You're part, you have like a sisterhood that you all hold each other accountable.Yeah, I love it so much.So the name of it is It's Our Turn Now, Friends Advisory Group.And so we meet once a year for a big retreat where it's like an all day event.And we actually present each other PowerPoints on what our lessons learned from last year was, what our plans for this year in all areas of life, faith, health, friends, family, finances, business, et cetera.Then we have a monthly meetings and we have a WhatsApp group.In the WhatsApp group, we actually created a WhatsApp community where each of us have our own tab, our own page where we can keep each other accountable, as well as we have a face page.And it's all these different groups within the WhatsApp community just for our friends.We check in daily with each other.We pray for each other.And we are accountable to each other.And they're on my board of directors of my nonprofit.We support each other in our business.But it is amazing.And we want to do something where we're teaching other women how to integrate and how to do this.Our meetings, we have agendas.Like, it's a real thing.Love it, love it, loveIt's great.Yes.All right.So again, excuse the noise in the background because I'm on set, if you will, live.That's what it's about.When you're live, things happen, right?People, it seems like they're transitioning, going from room to room, so it's extra noise.But I want to thank you all for watching Women of Color Live, the live version of the Women of Color in Intimate Conversation, a top20 women's empowerment podcast.We're here live every Thursday at one p.m.Eastern.And you can always catch the replay and or listen on your favorite podcast platform.So thank you to Kaylin Foy, our guest today.And shout out again to the Leon Thomas Group for production.If this resonated, share it with a woman who's rebuilding or building and deserves to feel safe, seen, and supported.And if you're ready to expand with intention and community, stay connected.We're building something lasting.Again, thank you, Kaylin.And thank you, those who are watching.See you next week.