April 9, 2026

The Routine That’s Killing Your Sex Life

Send us Fan Mail I found myself reflecting on something so many of us experience but rarely say out loud—the slow, almost invisible shift that happens in long-term, “traditional” marriages. You know the kind… where life becomes routine, roles feel automatic, and somewhere along the way, intimacy starts to fade. I really dig into what’s going on beneath the surface and ask the big question: how do you actually keep passion alive when life starts to feel like a machine? I also share where I am ...

Show Notes
Transcript

Send us Fan Mail

I found myself reflecting on something so many of us experience but rarely say out loud—the slow, almost invisible shift that happens in long-term, “traditional” marriages. You know the kind… where life becomes routine, roles feel automatic, and somewhere along the way, intimacy starts to fade. I really dig into what’s going on beneath the surface and ask the big question: how do you actually keep passion alive when life starts to feel like a machine?

I also share where I am now—on the other side of a toxic divorce—and what I truly want moving forward. From redefining what partnership looks like to navigating healing, boundaries, and spiritual growth, I explore what it means to create a relationship that feels alive, connected, and deeply fulfilling.

Episode Highlights

[0:21] - Reflecting on “cookie-cutter” marriages and how routine slowly replaces connection

[1:30] - The invisible imbalance of roles in long-term relationships

[2:15] - How routine dynamics can quietly destroy intimacy and sex life

[3:10] - The idea of weekly date nights—and why they may not be enough

[3:57] - Life after toxic divorce and reimagining future relationships

[5:10] - Shifting priorities: partnership, passion, and no longer wanting to “start over” with kids

[6:15] - Introducing my divorce mentorship program and who it’s for

[7:54] - The deeper layer: healing from trauma and doing inner spiritual work

[9:00] - The challenge of supporting a partner’s healing without losing yourself

[10:20] - Boundaries in relationships: partner vs. therapist vs. parent dynamic

[11:15] - Why attraction and polarity matter more than we think

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Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.

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I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe.

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Hi everyone. I was actually thinking about something tonight that I wanted to talk about here. I've seen so many kind of cookie cutter marriages over the years where, you know, couples are married, let's say up to 20 years and or give or take, and they have kids, they have jobs, they have a house, they have money, whatever it is. But I think somewhere along the way, you know, and I'm totally over generalizing here, but just go with me for a second. So the husband goes to a full time job.

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He works all day. Maybe he goes out after work and hangs out with his friends, goes to a sports bar or whatever, or he comes home for dinner and and is with the family. But for the most part, the husband's out all day. So the wife could be a stay at home mom. Could work part time. Could work full time.

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Maybe they have a nanny, maybe they don't. But for the most part, if she's working on any level, she's juggling a job and raising the family, raising the kids, taking care of the house, paying the bills, all that stuff. So at some point, it kind of becomes like a machine, right? It's just the husband and wife kind of pass each other along the way. Who's doing the dishes, who's doing the laundry, who's doing, you know, cleaning up after small kids or whatever.

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And then you wonder, how's their sex life? Are they having sex at all? Are they having it two to three times a week? Are they having it once a month? I mean, who knows, but I'll tell you that this entire machine dynamic is the greatest thing to kill a sex life in a marriage. And I, you know, look, I've had my own struggles with that in my own marriage, but, you know, I've talked about that for previous episodes. My point is, is that, how do you balance that kind of life, you know, like a conventional, traditional marriage setup, with kids, with all the other stuff, and how do you keep the sex alive. And you know, it's it's a challenge, for sure. I've heard so many psychologists and couples therapists and all kinds of experts say that at the very least, you you have to have a Saturday night date or once a week date doesn't have to be Saturday, but it's really important. And you know, as soon as you lose that, it's like things just they just dry up. So okay, so if you date once a week, maybe you have a shot at keeping the passion alive. I would still say that it's still kind of expected, not expected.

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That's not the right word. It's kind of like, you know, routine, even though you're going out on the date, you're going to dinner, you're what, you're going to a hotel somewhere and staying over somewhere and coming back the next day, or you coming home after dinner. Like, I don't know what the story is, but if there's a chance for you know, a good night of sex, then maybe you stay out at a hotel somewhere.

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But how exciting can that be?

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Too? You're just okay away from your life, but like you're not making it spicy, you're not making it passionate, you're not it's just somewhere else to have sex. So now that I'm on the other side of my toxic divorce, and you know, I've been working so hard on myself and building my business and all this stuff, but I do think about my next partner and a long term committed relationship, and what that's going to look like. I mean, I don't know the crystal ball. I don't know what it's going to look like, but what it could look like. And do I want to ever get married again? And do I want that conventional life again? I don't know. I'll tell you what I do know, though, that sexual element of my marriage that wasn't there I am, you know, it better be there the next time around, is all I have to say. I mean, I don't really want to come up for air anytime soon. Put it that way, but I'm more focused on. On that part of a relationship than raising children. You know, I'm menopausal. I mean, I don't, I can't have more children at this point. So, you know, I'm kind of glad, because I wouldn't really want to go through that phase again of having newborns. And you know, even if I could have kids at this age, I, you know, do I really want that, that phase again? I don't know. I think at this stage of my life, I really want to focus on my partnership and building something and growing together, and I don't think I want to be distracted by a baby at this point. It was very different when I had my daughter, and it was very different at that time in my life, and and I loved being home with her, but I think now, you know, I'm young enough to not be considered older, but old enough where, you know, I'm past child there in years. So, you know, it's, it's a weird kind of time of my life, but at the same time, I, you know, not dead yet. So I want to make the most of it while I'm still able bodied, and still have, you know, sexual desire, and still want to do things that I didn't get to do in my marriage. So that's one thing I wanted to talk about. Hey, I just want to take a minute and tell you about the divorce mentorship program that I created. It's called becoming whole again, and I created it mostly for women who were either considering divorcing their toxic spouse, or they're in the middle of a toxic divorce, or they're on the other side of a toxic divorce, at any stage that you're dealing with the emotional fallout from a horrific, toxic divorce, you know what I mean, the texts, the triggers, the berating, the harassment, the threats, all those things. I've been there, and I know what you're going through. This isn't therapy, I promise this is real, hands on support from somebody who has been where you are. I survived it, I thrived from it, and I've actually transformed from it, and along the way, I've gained so much wisdom from a spiritual healing journey that I am so happy to share with you and help you. It's not about fixing you, it's not about telling you what to do. It's about guiding you and guiding you back to yourself. There are so many people out there who need this, I promise you, I hear from them daily. Thank you for your support and thank you for listening. Okay, now back to the show.

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The other thing I wanted to talk about having nothing to do with this is, you know when, when you're healing from toxic relationships and childhood trauma and childhood wounds and issues and abandonment and rejection and neglect and all kinds of stuff like that, right?

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So if you're an unhealed person doing your inner work to become a Healed person. There's a lot of stuff that that goes with that, and you know, the kind of support that you need along the way, and especially if you don't, if you've never done any kind of inner healing work, maybe you go to therapy, maybe you talk to somebody, and you air out your problems and figure out how to how to move forward and resolve some of it. But I'm talking about like, deep spiritual work, like Soul level work. And I don't consider therapy necessarily, depending on who the therapist is, but I don't really consider therapy like Soul work. But anyway, I think that, especially for men, I think it's really hard, because unless you understand and embrace a spiritual healing journey, it's really hard to get support, unless you're diving into self help books or, you know, spiritual books, or, I don't know, researching Ascended Masters and all of that. I mean, like, it's, it's a lot, it's a lot, and it's intense, totally intense. And if you're like, have no experience with this whatsoever, no doubt it is totally overwhelming. But I wonder if you know, if someone like that gets into a relationship with someone and wants to kind of work together to continue healing, it's kind of like, what, what is the job or the responsibility of the female partner in that kind of relationship? You. You know, because, I mean, look, I'm a very spiritual person. I'm not sure if my next partner is going to be a spiritual person or not, but it's like, you know, what is my responsibility there? Because I'm not their therapist, I'm not their mother, I don't want to be either. But at the same time, it's like, I may know more than they know in the spiritual realm. I'm sure they know more than me in other realms, but it's kind of like where to set that boundary. Because I do believe if if a man is going to look to me to be like a therapist or a spiritual teacher or healer or something like that. Or if they're going to look to me to be their mother in a in a way like all I keep thinking is, is, are they ever going to want to have sex with me? Then, because you you can't, you can't have sex with someone who you look to like a mother figure to you. So there has to be boundaries there. And I just, I would rather be looked at in a sexual way than a motherly way, or a therapy way or or a spiritual healer kind of way.

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That makes sense. So I'm just, you know, talking about what I was thinking about. I wonder if you guys have an opinion about this at all. I would love to hear what you think. Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, and I'll catch you next time. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is pod page.com/the, music of life. You can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous, no problem. I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, Tiktok, Facebook and LinkedIn. Thanks again. I'll see you next week. You.

The Routine That’s Killing Your Sex Life

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