Episode #6 - Conquering The Fears

0:11  
Hello, and welcome. Do come in. Come and sit around, I've got lots of stories to share again today. And it's actually the first time that I've been looking out of the window, and there's actually still some some daylight. It's evening in the UK here, which is really a nice feeling, isn't it - it's like just suddenly seeing the light still there. And actually, this time of year, so for the next kind of four weeks, we've gone from a sort of really cleansing period into a period I kind of know as the 'Blustery Wind Time'. So as Spring is coming, you know, I've got the daffodils out at the moment [pointing to a vase behind her]. But it's still a really an in-between time; the plant seeds that you've planted and how they're going to start to germinate. So it's really still a time when you're probably not going to see lots happening, but energetically, there's a lot happening. 

1:18  
So I just wanted to pull a thread from our last episode through. And this is the dragon and the serpent energy. Christian gave me a pendant with the dragon fire - that was in episode two - and then last week, we were talking about our soul destinies and my soul destiny has a lot to do with this dragon\serpent fire, like that inner fire. And I was looking back - it's actually from April 2019 - and there was a reference where I had a dream or a vision; I think it must have been a lucid dream, where I actually had a black dragon - like a really deep purple coloured dragon - in sort of like in my belly, and it actually rose up into my heart. And I questioned that. What is this black dragon anyway? And why was it in my belly and moving up to my heart? And I got the answer that the dragons are there in place of angels. And they're there when you need the confidence and the passion and the fire to become your true and whole self. And they actually move up into your heart and then you can speak your truth and give out your truth. 

2:53  
So that got me thinking again about the soul destiny that I'm here for and Christians here for - and it's actually to disrupt the fear. That's what we're here to do: disrupting the fear and also the sort of negative energies that are abounding. And these are human-created energies. And, you'll know at the moment, there's so much fear and negative energies going around and they need to be replaced by nature-created energies: so the universal natural energies of love and high vibration. And through the work that I do and through what we're doing here, which is essentially telling the stories, it disrupts that darkness and brings in the light. And I've had it described as we are sort of knocking a little chink into the fear grid, which allows the light to come in and that one little small crack can illuminate the whole over time. And that's what Christian and I do: we disrupt enough to allow the light to come in as we tell you these stories. We're talking about fear this week, which is a massive subject, and I've got so many stories to share with you. Christian and I, obviously our story starts with fear, because he went missing and when you have a missing person, that's all fear. But what I want to do is tell you from my point of view, how I conquered the fear because it is quite a fight to conquer fear. It's perfectly possible, but it's a lot of work and it all happens within you.

4:50  
So I'm going to share my stories. It's going to be personal fear, self-contained fear, but I'm also going to talk about ancestral fears that have been passed down through our family. And I'm also going to talk about past lives and one in particular, to do with Christian and I, which caused a whole heap of trouble and which we had to neutralise. And Christian is also going to come in. He's going to also talk about - well, when I say he's gonna talk... we've already worked this through over time, and I have things that I've written for him, so he's channelled his voice through me, so we were writing some of the things I'm going to share with you. So I'm also going to tell you from his point of view, his fears and how he wasn't able to overcome them necessarily in life, but for me doing what I did with him, so telling his story, actually retracing his steps and working with him, we've neutralised his fears as well. So there's a lot around shame and guilt as well. So I just going to tell you the stories and if anything resonates with you, know it's for you and know that why we're sharing this is to help other people who are maybe lost, unsure, addicted, depressed, like really struggling, and you will hopefully get something from this programme and the things that we share. 

6:32  
So, right, where do we start? I'm going to talk to you about 'The Fear Grid', which is how I've had this described to me, as it's a really good analogy; it's actually you know, bumper cars at the fairground, and you have the bumper car, and then you have the pole that goes up to the electrical grid. Now, the fear grid is the sort of electrical grid at the top. Most of us, and me included, Christian included (you know, not gonna forget where we came from at all!) are attached to this fear grid in some way. Now, either, that's from personal fears, or that is from like a collective consciousness. So, culture and societal fears, which we all feed into; we're all connected - you can see when now we're in COVID and anytime there's some major incident, like the fear spreads so quickly, you know, we all panic, like panic buying and things like that. So there's different levels of fear. Now, we are perfectly capable, if we are the driver in the bumper car, we are perfectly capable of driving our bumper car without being attached to the fear grid. We can live our lives in love, in joy, in peace, in balance, but we have to disconnect from that fear grid. And the thing is, because that was explained to me like that, I never even thought about the fact that I was connected to more than me [Hannah laughs]. And just having it explained like that, I was like, 'oh, okay, that that kind of makes sense.' So I'm just going to kind of go through the fears that Christian and I had, and how we disconnected ourselves from the fear grid. And you actually find that as you disconnect yourself, in layers from fears, you actually naturally disconnect. And you can step outside and see where the fear is, and notice it, and just make a conscious decision to step away from it. It's like deciding not to listen to the news all the time or certain websites or certain friends or certain groups of people who are driven by fear. Yeah, that's all I really need to say on that. So yeah, you do make a choice. You really do make a choice to remain in that sort of fearful - it's almost like a victim energy - or you can disconnect and find your freedom. Christian and I, we were forced to do our journey [Hannah laughs], essentially, but as you'll see through a process of writing, through a process of journaling, and doing Facebook Lives, and these podcasts even, we worked through the truths and you see, yeah, you see all the fear; it becomes really obvious and then you can make choices to work against it. 

10:02  
Now, the first thing that I had - this is for me personally - the first thing I had was a fear of Spirit, like opening up to Spirit [Hannah sighs and laughs]. But I had to open up to Spirit; I had no other way of finding out what had happened to Christian. I fought and fought to find out what had happened to him, but everything worked against me going that way. And I had no choice. I started to write memoirs with people, so as a ghost writer, and I started to meet these people who would come to me, who had a connection with Spirit and they would talk about, you know, their mother passing over, but still being able to connect with them, or their father and talking about spirit guides and things. And to be honest, I was pretty terrified. I didn't understand it. And I just thought there were going to be ghosts popping up here and there and everywhere. And it was, like, frightening. But for me, a lot of that was because we were still in the position of thinking Christian was alive; this was probably 12, even 13 years, maybe after he'd gone missing. But I didn't want to know that he was dead, so that whole 'opening up to Spirit' was a terrifying thing. Terrifying thought. But as time went on, I really had no choice. And I got very, very gradually introduced to it. So if you have a fear of opening up to Spirit, know that even if you're just listening to these programmes, you are being gently opened up to Spirit. I actually got opened up to it through a psychic medium. I had no control over the process that I was being taken through. So I wasn't being taken through it at a pace that I was necessarily comfortable with. I didn't feel like I had real control over the situation. And actually, my grandfather, or our grandfather, came through in the medium sessions, and he was always there, like, keeping an eye on what was going on. Yeah, so he was kind of protecting, but the purpose of me working with that person was so that I realised I had to take control. When Christian and I then started to connect - without the medium - this just started off through lucid dreams and hearing his voice. I also then started to experience what Christian and myself would call a 'black bat' or a 'black spider'. It was an energetic, frightening, scary thing that used to just appear. I don't know if I saw it, but it was like energetically in my head. And it was frightening. It was frightening. And I had no protection from it. I had no protection at all. I didn't even really know what was going on. But this really frightened me. And I actually asked for help. And the person who I was working with at that time, doing a memoir for, she was actually a Spiritualist. I had nowhere else to go. I said 'Look, this is happening to me. Can you please help me.' And she was 'oh my goodness, we need to put protection in place'. So she took me under her wing, bless her and made it all safe. But what I'm trying to get at here is, opening yourself up to spirit has to be done in a safe way. And actually the protection I talked about... initially I needed the guides, the white light and all of that sort of protection, because I was very much in fear myself. I was in grief. I had no inner strength at all. And as you gain your inner strength, then you need less protection put in place, because you are strong inside and as you rise in your vibration, the fear can't get to you. So this black bat/spider was actually a mix - it was a mix of Christians fear as well as mine, and that's just how it manifested. 

15:23  
And the other obvious fear around all of that was fearing the truth. Christian didn't know that he was dead - I've talked about this before - because he drowned, but he was unconscious when he was put into the water. So he didn't know he'd died. And I didn't know he was dead (I'm sure I did on some level), but Christian and I we were talking together and he was talking about coming home; he was worried about coming home, which you'll hear about later on, but that fear was palpable, okay. That fear - not wanting to know the truth of something - it puts up a huge block, a huge block. And you're [Hannah clears her throat] - this is something coming through - when you're so in grief, when you're so in fear, your ego is working extremely hard to keep you safe. It's doing a job, it thinks it's doing a good job [Hannah laughs]. It's keeping you safe. But the more you listen to the thoughts.... part of the black bat/spider for me was that it was actually telling me that Christian was dead and it would laugh. And because I was in a state of not wanting to hear that [because I was speaking to Christian] it was frightening. So it was actually telling me the truth, but it was not telling me at the right time when I was ready [to hear that], and it wasn't telling me in a kind and loving way, and in a supportive way. So if you are ever hearing voices that are negative sounding, that are harsh, that are cruel sounding, saying things that you would never say to somebody else, just check that because that is fear; it's not coming from a place of love. We talked last week about love and about self-love, and all this healing and this going towards the truth, it's all there to make you strong. And to give you self-love, self-confidence, self-esteem and inner strength. Inner strength is not harsh, and I'm hearing the word 'thrusting' - it's not a pushy thing. It's not being independent. It's literally softening and allowing and flowing and just allowing life to come at you, without being scared of it, knowing that you're strong enough inside. And obviously at that point, there was no way I was any of that! I was totally, totally in a place of fear. But... oh, sorry, I think I'm muted somehow. The whole thing around this is just literally moving out of the fear very, very gradually, layer by layer. 

18:55  
Okay, I want to tell you about a past life. We're going to do the past life first? Yeah, okay. So when I first started talking about Christian and I talking to each other, it was on our Facebook page, which at the time was @searchforChrisVelten. And I was really honest, on that page, I was being very, very vulnerable, talking about anything and everything that was coming up for me. And as I started to talk about Christian and I speaking together, there was - I could feel it through the community - where I'd been searching for him there was this energy of 'Oh, you know, Hannah, poor thing. You know. Let's help her search for Christian.' And then when I started sort of saying I'm actually talking to Christian, telepathically and we are connecting, there was this [Hannah laughs]... a lot of people were okay with that, but a lot of people were not okay with that. And the change... and I think that's where we have the sort of fear grid of 'that's impossible, how can that be?' Anything that's not very obvious and in front of you and physical, it's just either not happening, or, you know, that's rubbish, or how can it be? It really is an effort for people to think about. And that unknown element. And what could it mean if that was actually possible? You know, it really shows you your limitations in how you think, when somebody else starts talking like this. And so anyway, there was a lot of 'backlash' (that's a little bit over the top), but I felt uncomfortable, but the only reason I kept talking about what was happening between Christian and I was because I had to [Hannah laughs]. I couldn't stop; it was all part of this process... I actually need to show you something first. This is a picture I got given - it was like a vision I got - about how we're all trapped in this sort of cage of grief and fear. And it's almost like being in the bumper car, isn't it? Attached to that fear grid. But that was kind of a nice illustration of fear. 

21:53  
And then this was my past life story, which I just want to tell you. I downloaded this. So as I said, I was listening to Christian's voice and once the protection bit had been put in place, I then was starting to hear not only Christian, but also spirit guides, and angels, goddesses. And I was starting to open myself up safely, and I was getting all this beautiful information and support coming through. And that totally changed the fear - the fear level just dropped, in terms of talking to Spirit. And this was in December 2017, so Christian was still missing (I mean, he was still thinking he was coming home and it was actually about six months before we found out that he was dead). But this is a story I was given: I don't know if you've ever heard of 'Lemuria' which was believed to have existed before the time of, and during, the time of Atlantis. So it was a continent, which disappeared in a great flood. But it was a real heavenly sort of world; a place on earth thought to be covering the area of Hawaii, Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, that sort of area. And the Lemurians were a very peaceful, highly-intelligent race of people who existed, you know, millions of years ago. But I was told this story of a past life that Christian and I had in Lemuria. So if I can just tell you this - obviously, you have to take this as metaphor, but it will give you an idea of the shame and the guilt that I was feeling, which was part of my fear towards my brother, at that point. And it will also give you an idea of why I was feeling nervous about opening up about what I was able to do, which was talking to Christian... and all of these other things that were going on. So it's quite a long story, but, if you don't mind, I shall read it to you. 

24:34  
"Once upon a time, there was a magical sister and her brother who lived in Lemuria. Everything was fine and beautiful until the brother decided he needed to make his mark in life and step out from his more powerful sister's shadow. While he was away, the sister pined for him, especially when they lost contact. He chose to switch off so he could concentrate on his growth. He became separate and self-centred, impatient for success. That's when life turned on him and he bought fear of failure into his life. He was not so strong as his sister, and never would be, and that made him angry and resentful of her. She didn't realise any of this. She just thought he was off finding himself and enjoying life. This is what she now needs to forgive, that she didn't see into the heart of her brother, even though she had the power to see if she'd really wanted to. She let him lead his own life, follow his own free will, for sure, but that sisterly love should have realised that her brother was small beside her, and she could have watched out for him. As it was, the brother met lower vibrations who convinced him that his life was worthless compared to his sister's, and that he should take his own life by poison. It was only when he died, that his sister knew in her heart that she'd let him go, let him separate from her. She had the power to watch silently and be alerted to trouble. But she chose not to, preferring instead her peaceful and beautiful Lemurian' life. She went after his body and bought at home. It was unrecognisable, broken and beaten. She looked into his eyes and saw the separation. She cried bucket loads of tears, angry at herself for not keeping an eye on him when she could have done. In her anxiety to repay her debts to her brother, her heart was full of fear, not unconditional love. And her fear diluted and distorted her magic healing and the poison which was in her brother removed to another. (Now, I have been told a variation of this story in that the sister kills the brother, but in this one, the sister kills their mother, who was called Mary). So while her brother revived under her magic, their mother died. This mother was the highest priestess in Lemuria and the people were heartbroken. They were scared of the sister's powers, believing she had turned evil, sided with the lower energies. Rather than risk more damage, they wouldn't allow her to practice her magic and revive her mother. It was too dangerous. What if the sister haemorrhaged the whole of Lemuria into oblivion, as had or would happen on Atlantis? In despair, the sister took her own life, rather than live without her powers. Fear had won over unconditional love. The brother, having lost his sister and mother, now stepped up to his powers. But Lemuria was never the same again. The people grieved, but the brother eventually forgave his sister as he realised his part in the process - his wanting to be separate had cost them all dear." And it says here: "So, do you see, Hannah? You still hold on to this fear of using your powers. It's safer to keep them hidden or keep it under control rather than harm others. Your brother lives and you will revive him. It will reawaken your belief in your powers and the connectedness between selves, which needs to be kept sacred. Separateness breeds fear, which breeds contempt, anger, corruption, evil doings and neglected compassion. It's time to forgive yourself. It was not your fault that your brother separated himself - it was his freewill to do this. He got himself into a mess by choosing to cut himself off. It was his choice; you couldn't fix him. Even if you tried, you'd have pushed him further away. There is a time and place for you to be reunited in this life. And by forgiving yourself and by trusting and opening the portal to your powers of teaching and healing you can bring extraordinary joy to the world. People will regain their connectedness again, stop relying on fear which leads to separateness. Forgive yourself, Hannah, you were never, and never will be, your brother's keeper. Any fear you retain over your magical powers needs to dissipate because you have released the fear/ separateness, which you held for so long. Now your emotions, thoughts and actions come from a place of love which will bring light to the world. How you do this will be revealed to you soon." So, at that point I had no idea what that was all about. And it actually carried on just a little bit... "People have free will. You cannot 'fix' people, even if they choose separateness. You can only tell your story and set your vibrational energy to love and no one will be able to ignore your teachings and healings will occur, for them, in the right place, at the right time." So yeah, I didn't really understand that and I thought 'well, that's a nice story' and then - like a few months later - I did actually realise how and why that story was important. And even as I'm telling you that story now, I'm just wondering... there was a lot in there, so it might have touched something in yourself as well. 

30:23  
As it became very clear that Christian was dead, I then had to explain to the search community that was around us what I thought had happened, and I wasn't 100% honest at that point. I just said, you know, we've found out what has happened to Christian and we just want privacy. And I didn't feel comfortable doing that, but I didn't actually know how to break the news to anybody. I mean I didn't know how to break the news to my parents, to Christian's friends... would anybody believe us? And that's something that's big with Christian in a minute. But yeah, that whole idea of, you know, what the hell do we do with this? What do we do with this? And there was a lot of reaction to it when we actually started to 'come out'. 

31:35  
But I just want to tell you something here, which carries on from the previous Lemuria story as this was part of my healing, because I was so scared of telling the truth and saying what was happening and what powers I had. By that point, I was not only talking with Christian (being a medium), but I was then able to do shape-shifting, soul retrievals and trance mediumship with Christian. Like, that's big stuff, especially for somebody like myself who was scared of Spirit in the first place. You know, it's like a massive leap! How do I even explain that to anybody? And because I was fearful of actually what was happening and what I could do, that fear came straight back at me - we had (I kind of really don't want to go into details), but we had a big reaction [Hannah laughs], but was not pleasant. I think I've said before, we always thought the worst bit was going to be finding out that Christian was dead, but actually, by the time we got to that point, it was actually okay. It was just the reaction that came after, from everybody else. So I just want to read this to you - it's through a meditation, a vision, a story - and this was part of my healing [in April 2019] about how to come to terms with using my powers and not being afraid to really use it properly. So I was in a long blue robe, I was very tall, I had big feet and hands and I was very upright. And this was the time of Lemuria. I had a heavy crown on my head. But I had my shoulders back, I was very proud. But I fell to the ground. And it was on a dusty area. It was like on a hilltop. And I was above some crowds. There were lots of people around, and I crumpled into tears because my brother was dead (this was after the previous story where I'd accidentally killed my brother). And I had a big heavy gold/silver orb, and a staff and this crown on my head and I had to bury them into the dirt as I'd fallen from grace. And I had to abandon and hide my magical powers. And then this winged figure appeared; they were very tall, in white and they were hovering before me. And they told me to uncover the orb and the staff and the crown from the tear-drenched earth. And they took them to another land or time where I could reuse them. And they scratched around in the earth to uncover the crown and things and they told me to stand up again. And I travelled... it was almost like I was walking on water, but I slowly and calmly sort of slipped into this boat. And Christian was with me, on the left, and on the right there was a large white horse. And on the boat there were some oarsmen and it was a very regal boat; like a barge. And I just sort of kept my eyes ahead and I knew what was going to happen. And I had to walk into the water, carrying the heavy orb and the crown and the staff, and I actually sank into the water very peacefully, very calmly, it was like Mediterranean sort of clear blue water. There was no struggle, and I just fell to the seabed, crumpled, but calm. And as I had obviously died, Christian picked me up, and I was revived by him. And in this life, I have come back. But I have had to change my appearance. So instead of the waterworld, I'm now in the forest and nature. I'm in darker clothes, and like, no one's gonna recognise me. But I've been given these fluid, gold/silver words that rise up from my stomach, up through my body and out of my mouth - a bit like the dragon and the serpent energy. People will not recognise me, but they will be mesmerised by my words. I'll practice magic, healing and guidance. And all by the spoken word. They'll recognise the energy within me as I speak, and they'll remember and feel calmed and happy with the words, and the power will return in the words. And Christian then told me to get back into my body. So that was my healing, again, about being your true self, being fully yourself and owning your powers. I know if you're listening to this, we are all so powerful, and we have given all our powers away, or a lot of our powers, over to the fear and to society, and to the culture. Yeah, this fear of power and knowing that you should be using it, but how do I use it? And being scared to actually speak out and be honest and truthful. And I think that's a lot of what Christian and I have to do: speak our truth, which kind of like encourages other people and allows other people to not only speak their truth, but to be themselves. And there's also this big thing about, especially for women, about the prosecution that we suffered for speaking our truth, and you know, being witches or anything associated with the idea of witchcraft. That's something that is definitely in the fear grid that needs to be detached from - it's like really owning your powers, owning what you do, your truth. And I just want to read you this - I've got a couple of things I still need to read. 

38:22  
I would like to introduce you to my grandmother, our grandmother, this lovely lady here [see show notes for the photo Hannah shows - a lady in a flying hat, next to the propellor of her aeroplane]. And she died in 2009, knowing Christian had gone missing. And none of us knew this, but I was researching in the British Newspaper Archives in 2015 for my work as a writer-in-residence at a funeral company, and this story came up about our grandmother, and we were all shocked. Nobody in the family knew about it; even my dad and uncle didn't know anything about it. This is all about a woman who had something traumatic happen to her and she could never get her inner fire back. She never trusted herself fully again. So, we have past lives/events that are passed down, that we carry through, the fear carries on until we heal it, but we also have ancestral fears as well. So I'm just going to tell you a little bit about our granny: so she was a woman pilot, and she was responsible for a fatal accident in Wales. And she was one of the first women to gain her 'A' certificate in flying, and she used to do aerobatic displays. She was, yeah, super cool, super cool. But at the age of... she was just shy of her 26th birthday [in 1933]. She actually lost her father when she was very young [Hannah coughs]... I did ask her permission to tell you all this, by the way. She lost her father when she was very young and she also suddenly lost her brother, later than this accident she had, but yeah, she had a lot of grief in her life, which she didn't process. And anyway, yeah, she'd flown to Wales to be part of a flying regatta and she was there to do her loop-the-loops and do her aerobatic display. And something went wrong in the aeroplane. And she actually crashed into the beach, sort of beach along the river; she was flying over an estuary and she came out of the loop and somehow tipped and she bounced on the beach where the crowds were and she ended up in the estuary. And rescue boats came out to get her, thankfully. [She had head injuries and was in shock] But she had actually killed somebody on the beach. [Hannah tears up] Oh, Gosh - that's come up. And she'd injured... it was two brothers; she'd killed one of the brothers, who she actually knew, and she had injured... the other brother [Hannah voice breaks]... this is definitely her... And we never knew anything about this. She'd kept this a secret from her whole family. [Hannah finding it difficult to speak]. And I'm just going to tell you, because you do pass on down through the generations any trauma that isn't healed. And this is why I have been particularly adamant that I needed to heal this trauma and Christian going missing, because I didn't want this passed down any generation further. And... what you do... like you're the hope of your generations, forwards and backwards. So seven generations back, seven generations going forward, if you do the healing, if you do the full and true healing for everybody, like they're gonna blimin' well thank you. [Hannah laughs] But this is something which I wrote with my granny [in June 2018], just explaining what happened to her and why... I just need to tell you this, I think. So she's just saying: "I didn't learn to use my voice and power when I had the opportunity [tears were rolling down my face as I wrote this with her]. Instead of rising from the ashes after I'd killed that boy, I crept into the cave and stayed there. I never regained my fire - on my own - I began to rely on others and I lost trust in my abilities to fly and be free. That was my freedom, Hannah, flying. [Hannah really tearing up]... Those families didn't hate me or blame me, but I blamed myself. Many a time I wish I'd gone down in my plane and under the water, so I didn't have to face life without being able to fly." But towards the end of her life, she did gradually get back a little bit of her inner fire, I guess, and I actually spoke at her funeral and when I'd finished speaking, as I was sitting down, I literally felt like being struck in the chest by some lightning or something and I kind of staggered back. And she was just saying, "I passed my little recovered piece of fire on to you at my funeral. I saw you stagger back when you received it. I so want you to use my little piece of flight regained and use it to catapult you and gorgeous Christian [Hannah really tearing up again] into orbit with your passion and purpose. I want you to use my energy going forward. I'd love to see you fly again, Hannah, with your brother, fearless and free. Free to deliver your messages from Spirit. I really do believe in what you're doing... I was never brave enough to rise again, but you have been. And I'm so proud of you. [Hannah tearing up again] Know that I love you and watch over you. Please keep using my pen (I have a pen of hers that I was writing this with) now that the energy has been cleared. Come out of your cave; take flight. Don't burn yourself on the sun, rest sensibly (refuel) and enjoy the ride. Remember, I've no fear now... and I pass that fearlessness on to you and your brother. Fly, you two. And others will lose their fear of you now, too." Ah, dear, sorry about that [Hannah sniffing].

45:57  
So yeah, there was past lives and ancestral healing, as well. The way we've been able to heal our grief has really been full and true. It really has encompassed, you know, generations and aeons of time. There's just one thing... we're going to be running short of time in a minute... but, yeah, so the reaction of others: I think the more I've gained my power and actually been truthful and stood in my truth and talking and especially during this podcast, I think I'm less fearful. And it reflects in how other people are back to me, you know, you put out fear and you get fear back. You put out love and truthfulness and vulnerability and people, they do react to that. I just want to finish off with Christian's healing actually - once we had known he was dead, he had a real fear of me speaking on his behalf, and a fear of people not believing him. And that obviously affected me as well: that was something I was carrying, and I had to do the travel with him back to Africa, through trance mediumship; I had to do that so that he could unravel his grief, as well, and work through everything himself. So the fear exists on, obviously, the earthly plane, but it also exists in the Spirit plane. And this healing has worked because we've literally done healing on both levels; we're talking with Granny and with our grandfather, as well, which I haven't talked about, but like it's involved so much. And this is why, you know, you have to be so courageous, I guess and get over that fear of Spirit, because spiritual healing is really how you get that full healing. It really is. I just want to end on this - this is literally Christian talking and it's all about him. I hope I've got time to read it all. It's essentially why he had a fear of being believed and also there's some shame and some guilt in here. And yeah, I'll just read it. So it says, "Hi, I'm Christian. Hannah's dead brother. Yep, that's right. I'm physically dead, but I'm still alive and Hannah's able to channel me. I went missing in 2003, in Mali, Africa and for 15 years, I was presumed dead, but my family lived in the hope I was still alive. That's the trauma Hannah and our family went through, but they're out the other side and now Hannah and I want to tell our story. This particular article is going to be about suicide. Now, I didn't commit suicide, in the common sense of the word. There were no overdoses. There were no cliff jumps. There was no implements of death involved. But I did go travelling solo across West Africa, without GPS tracking, with only a tent, some money, a rucksack and two cameras. In every sense of the word I committed suicide - I decided to kill myself - but it was a subconscious goal. I guess this is true of many risk-takers, travellers and explorers. I came up with a term to describe this urge to frighten myself and test myself mentally and emotionally, "dangerousness". I would climb cranes, I would walk on window ledges, do all sorts of things to escape the mundane path I saw ahead of me. I wanted to travel and be free - there was no way anyone could tie me down and when I was released, I'd be off. Preferably on my own. It was my escape. When I was feeling shackled in a situation, often by my own design, I would take drugs, drink and try to block out the uncomfortable feelings that would arise within me. These feelings of anxiety, about squandering my life, first came when I was a teenager saved from crashing to the ground during a parachute jump by a voice which told me: "It's not your time to die, Christian. Reach up and untangle your legs from the wires and come back down to earth." I survived that jump. And I thanked that voice. However, the memory of that voice reverberated in my head for the next decade as I sought the reason for why I'd been saved. I was here for a purpose, surely, but what was that to be? This was what drove me to travel. To search for my purpose. I was drawn to the natural world and studied zoology - was my purpose eco-tourism, saving endangered species, educating people about nature? Everything I tried never quite came to anything. Books I wrote weren't published. Proposals for films I wanted to create were passed over. It was so frustrating and, as I felt I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, the only way to live with the frustration was to blot it out. My drug habit started truly in the Caribbean when I live within Rasta communities, while researching a book. Ganja was their way to spiritual communication, so I tried it as a way to speak with the voice which had saved me. I wanted to find some clarity on my path. What was I here to do? Why was I saved? But ganja didn't work for me. It only confused my thinking further and, because I was smoking a lot, I would forgot to wash and eat which, when I was sober, made me angry with myself. I was wasting my life again. Then like a bolt of lightning, I read about Mongo Park and I knew I'd found a kindred spirit..." I'm going to run out of time here, so I'm just going to condense this... Yeah, everyone warned me against going to Africa. But then he just literally couldn't not go; it was a destiny moment. And then... oh, dear... yeah, when he was in Africa, literally, it broke him in many ways. "I realised how free I felt travelling solo with nothing holding me back or down. I was living my dream. I was small. I was insignificant, and I was completely at peace. This was my purpose. I knew it. But how could I return home to the UK, in a few months and still be complete? How could I get on that plane home without breaking what I'd become? The thought of returning to my 'normal' life where I was constantly confused and taking drugs to dampen my true nature, was weighing on my mind." Oh, yeah, and then there's a lot here actually that is in the films that we did together - the trance mediumship. "I've spent a lot of time," he says "with people like myself in Spirit. We want to apologise, we want to keep sending love. But committing suicide - or wilfully walking towards your death - is still a taboo death. You know, there's lots of anger and guilt and shame surrounding my disappearance, all caused by my desire to travel solo in Africa... I was the Explorer; now I'm the storyteller. I want people to know that living a lie of a life is not conducive to peace and contentment. You must follow your dreams. You must follow what lights you up. Don't be swayed by society and what others might think of you. You don't want to end up in Spirit with your loved one's hearts close to you. I've been so lucky with Hannah. I'm now at peace as I've been able to unburden myself and Hannah's been able to pass on my messages and provide closure and healing to others, as well as herself. If you're trapped in a life which feels wrong, please speak to someone. Acknowledge the ache within you and ask for help. Talk to me, if you wish - my name's Christian and I'm always around to listen..." 

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So maybe that's the thing to end on - you know, there's a lot of fear out there, and there is help there. There really is help there for you. There are angels. There are people/energies, like Christian, who are around to help people all the time - and there's myself, you know! We really need to break that fear. We need to break through it and bring the light and love through. So I hope something in that story might have resonated and helped you. Maybe look for the truth of why maybe you're lost, feeling stuck. Yeah, okay. And just know that it's perfectly possible, if you've got the courage and the willpower and the strength, to fight through that fear into love. Okay, lots of love. And I shall see you next week with a story about Christian actually bursting into something was happened at an event, making his presence abundantly clear. It's a brilliant story to tell you next week. Okay, lots of love. Bye bye.