Episode #25 - Reflections & Rebirth - co-hosting with Laura Gardner

Hannah Velten 00:14

Welcome to 'The Finder of Lost Things', exploring your superpowers of trust, healing, and transformation with me, Hannah Velten. My brother Christian disappeared in Mali, Africa in 2003. He disappeared without a trace, we lost his story. We didn't have closure, we lost so much. I was fighting and searching to find Christian when actually, I just needed to sit in stillness, and attract him in. I was so resistant to doing this, but I had to surrender. It's a process of trusting and finding the lost pieces and integrating them. This podcast will uncover the process that Christian and I went on to find the lost things; him and to find the parts of me that were missing.

Laura Gardner  01:08

[Laura singing and playing guitar] And we were destined from the start, to tell our story into the dark. For we were born to a Great White Shark.

Hannah Velten 01:27

Hello, hi, welcome. Come on, in, come on in for the last time. Come and sit around the fire. Oh, I can't believe actually this is the last show; been doing it for six months and literally been going through the transcripts with Laura, who you're going to meet in a minute. And we've literally been speaking for 23 hours throughout the six months. There's been an awful lot of material. Urgh. When I write a book (because I've been writing books for many years now), I always leave the introduction right till the end, and also the conclusion right till the end. So you write the whole book and then the introduction kind of brings in themes that you're going to explore. And I know when I first started in the first episode, I kind of knew where we were going: my intention was to be completely honest about the story between Christian and myself, and our healing and transformation. To give you all the gory details; and actually, I gave you more than I was originally thinking I was going to. And so I hope... well, I know I've achieved what I wanted to do, which was to completely tell our story and have it open, in honour, to a wider audience. I asked... I'm going to introduce Laura now actually; it seems like she's going to come on straight away. So if you remember back from the first episode I had Laura Gardner on with me and Laura wrote our theme tune 'The Great White Shark'. And this [song], I think the words came first to Laura - just downloaded out of the blue - and then she put the words to music. And she got in touch with me and she said, "Look, Hannah, I've got this song. I think it's for you and Chris; it sounds like it's describing you and your brother's journey. Do you want to hear it?' And I was like, 'Yes, please.' And then it became our theme tune. So I'm just going to invite Laura on now because Laura has had the task [Hannah laughs] of going through the transcripts of the 23 shows that we've done so far and actually helping me pick out like all the juicy details from those shows, that were there to pass on to you as the listeners. So hi, Laura, thank you so much for coming back on.

Laura Gardner  04:13

My pleasure.

Hannah Velten 04:15

Oh, it feels like a full circle. It only had to be you that had to come on in the last show. There was nobody else it was going to be.

Laura Gardner  04:23

Well, I just want to start by saying that it did not feel like a task to go through the transcripts. It felt like an absolute honour. Thank you. I just had an absolute kind of injection of all of the wisdom of the last six months that you've been bringing across with all of your amazing guests that you've spoken to; so yeah, it was an absolute pleasure to do that.

Hannah Velten  04:46

Oh, thank you. I mean, we should actually probably start off... I think Christian and I we did almost eight shows together just telling our story, didn't we I think, from memory. It was almost like a straight telling from the beginning to the end, and then all these amazing guests started to come into my life. And as Laura alluded to, they also brought their own stories, they bought their own wisdom and, actually, that was a part of the gift for me... I'm going to talk about how this podcast has been a gift from my brother to me a bit later on. But all the wisdom that they bought, we were actually able to identify some main themes which have been running through the podcasts over the six months, so maybe we should kind of pull those apart. I know you, Laura, you identified sort of two main areas, didn't you: the 'Grief Walk' and then also the 'New Way Of Living'.

Laura Gardner  05:52

Yeah, it became clear that there were these sort of two themes: one was very much about dealing with a moment of crisis, and, you know, the sort of healing process of going to those dark places that you need to go to in order to actually process grief after the loss, whatever that loss may be. And I think that was covered really nicely, as well by some of your guests who really highlighted that loss doesn't necessarily have to be a bereavement, it can be loss of a lifestyle, loss of finance, loss of relationships, even if the person is still living. And so there was that aspect of it. And there were certain things that kept recurring, you know, there's definitely a pattern of, you know, how people deal with grief in a constructive way. And then there was the theme of sort of the container for that, and the support that you almost need in the background. And just having that way of life and a way of living and a way of seeing the world that perhaps we don't naturally tend towards these days; it was very much going back to traditions and rituals and community and really having that as the support to help people deal with that crisis moment that, you know, can come to us all.

Hannah Velten  07:07

Yeah, I think that's so important, isn't it. But obviously Chris and I talk about our grief journey as a 'grief walk', but loss, especially in the pandemic now, like loss events happen all the time. It's not just the major ones. It's almost like daily losses, certainly in COVID. It's like you suddenly lose your freedom of movement. It doesn't seem major maybe at the time, but you are losing things, aren't you? And just how to recognise that and then treat it as a grief, or a loss. Because a major theme was - with myself and with the guests - was actually you have a grief and what do you do with it? You stuff it down, you don't have time to deal with it. You're running on adrenalin - that came across a lot, didn't it - sort of just totally misunderstanding the grief and what they were going through? 

Laura Gardner  08:03

Absolutely. And sometimes not even realising that it hadn't been dealt with. That was a really common theme of people thinking that, you know, they've gone through loss, and they've felt what needed to be felt... they think, and then all of a sudden, they realise that there's this - I think Ursula Dekker put it really nicely - there's this kind of caven that she used to revisit every time something else then happened in her life, that reminded her of her loss, which was the loss of her father. And it's that recognition that actually you haven't gone to those depths yet; you need to really visit them and the fact that it's an active process, and that it really needs to be considered in that way.

Hannah Velten  08:43

I just got chills when you said 'active process', because that's something that you picked out, and I haven't really noticed it before. But the distinction between loss which feels... well, can you describe it - the distinction between a loss and a grief, like being active?

Laura Gardner  08:59

Yeah, I think you know, the loss is the event that happens, and then the grief - and I think again, this was Ursula Dekker who pointed this out - was that it can feel that the grief is going to be revisiting that loss, whereas actually going through the process of grief (because it is a process rather than an event), it actually does the opposite. You know, you go back to it and it stops feeling like loss every time you are reminded of that thing that has happened. The grief is actually the remedy to it. And it's not something that is going to make you feel worse, it's going to make you feel better.

Hannah Velten  09:34

Yeah, and that sort of process, that grief walk, you have to face it, and to move through it. There's no other... we kept saying.... there's no other way of dealing with loss (the event), like grief is an active thing. And this idea of the ritual... I mean, it also struck me that we have been sitting in a circle... When I first even mentioned on the first episode, you know, 'Come in. Come sit around the fire.' I didn't know where that came from - I mean, I know now - but that process, we have literally been, every week, sitting in a circle... you know, Niki Shefras, we talked about sitting in her circle and the importance of a supportive circle where you can share, and we all need that support, don't we on this active grief journey.

Laura Gardner  10:26

Definitely. And that was something that was brought up by a couple of other people. I think Sophia Christou brought that up about being surrounded by a community and someone else said that as well, I can't remember...

Hannah Velten  10:36

Louise Adams mentioned...

Laura Gardner  10:38

Yeah, definitely. It's like this misconception that grief is a very personal journey, whereas actually, having that support is really essential, because, you know, it is something you have to walk through and why not have someone to hold your hand?

Hannah Velten  10:54

Yeah, yes, exactly. And I hope actually this show... I know alot of people have been listening and commenting to me personally about how they've found - I don't want to say 'solace' - but they've found comfort, but they've also found inspiration and like a feeling that they're not alone through the grief process, listening to what I've been through, and guests have been through. So, you know, that's been a beautiful thing to witness because we need to be held. Absolutely. And whether that's, first of all, from the non-physical, but then also in the physical... we need the healing of both sides in the realms. That was a theme that came through, as well. Obviously, Chris had to heal, as I had to heal; we kind of healed together. And I hope this show has really opened people's eyes to the possibility and the necessity of healing in both realms.

Laura Gardner  12:05

Yeah, it did seem like that was a really important message that was coming up. And just the fact that there is that ability to just deal with things, and help people who are in spirit to have that peace, as well as for us in the physical, to find that as well for ourselves.

Hannah Velten  12:23

Yeah. And then that rippling down through... we talked quite a lot about the seven generations, you know, ancestrally, and also going forward; like we can make the choice and the decision, it's our responsibility - that came through quite a lot, wasn't it: that sort of self healing is a responsibility for ourselves, but it ripples out in every direction. 

Laura Gardner  12:47

Yeah, definitely. And it seems like a sort of quite onerous thing, at first, but actually the importance of it is just paramount. And there is so much support, as you say, you know, it's not something we have to do on our own completely.

Hannah Velten  13:02

I think, certainly for myself, my soul, and for Chris you know, we had to do this... there was no way we were going to get around not doing what we did - the healing and transformation. It would have just kept coming back and back and back... we had no choice. You just have to do these things sometimes. [Hannah laughs] And like you say, it sounds so onerous. And I know, Ursula was a brilliant example; you know, the thought of having to heal her grief was crippling, but actually doing it (she and I went through her grief - off the podcast - for eight weeks) and released it. It was hard, you know, but joyful and, in the end, a liberating experience... I notice you've got the butterfly on your jumper.

Laura Gardner  14:02

Yeah, I thought that was a nice symbol of transformation.

Hannah Velten  14:06

Exactly. I think the purpose of all of this has been a rebirth - I'm like hearing 'The purpose has been a rebirth' for Chris and I, but also hopefully for listeners as we've gone along. I know you've kind of been... well, you've been instrumental in the whole of this podcast, Laura, because you obviously did the theme tune for us. You were the one that was given the words and the music. {Hannah laughs} Sorry about that!

Laura Gardner  14:42

Again, an honour. But it's funny, you mention the rebirth, because I was really unsure about... there's a line [in the song] where it mentions you were born again, and I wasn't quite sure about it. And then I know I'd asked you at the time, you know, is there anything that doesn't feel quite right? But yeah, throughout the course of the podcast that seems to be something that has come through is - that it actually was a rebirth, on many levels. I know you've mentioned for you and for Christian, and I'm sure many people listening as well. And I've really felt the impact of that, too - that's why I felt very strongly to wear this [Laura laughs], becuause I feel like I've been journeying with you, and really getting so much from every episode, and especially following through the seasons and being prepared for, you know, paying attention to what might be happening at that time of year. And I have to say, it's been really interesting to take note of that and to see what actually comes into my awareness. 

Hannah Velten  15:42

Oh, is there anything that you want to share about what's been happening in the last six months? 

Laura Gardner  15:49

Well, I mean, I've taken some leaps of faith. I was in a different job when we last spoke... so actually just before one of your episodes, one week, I sort of had this feeling of, you know, maybe I should stay and then I got this like, whhoosh of...

Hannah Velten  16:10

Oh, I'm getting it now, I have to say [Hannah feeling the chills; Both laugh]

Laura Gardner  16:17

It was just this knowing that there was something else that I needed to be doing - something bigger that I had to trust and just take a step forward on. And I did do that. And, yeah, really, honestly, it really did help to have that guiding of the seasons and being aware of what energies might be around and to be paying attention to those and really utilising them for good, you know, to drive and build what was happening, because it felt like it carried me along a bit and just gave me so much reassurance that, you know, this is a good time for things to be going the way they were.

Hannah Velten  16:55

Good. Well, yeah, now we're in this 'Long Days' Time', and we're going to go into the 'Ripening Time' at the end of July, so we're, like, brilliantly placed for everything, with all the work we've done during the year. If you've been following along with the podcast since January, you know, and sort of taking note like Laura has, you're now going to be in this position where you're going to have an amazing launch pad for what's coming next and to really reap the benefits of all the work you've done in the last six months. Yeah. Was there anything else about the song that you downloaded? There was something else that you were questioning... was it 'side by side', the other line?

Laura Gardner  17:39

Yeah, so yeah, I put this line in. Because the way that the words came, it was sort of originally intended to be about a friend of mine and a heart connection (I think I said this in the first episode when we spoke), but then suddenly had this idea that actually when I had this 'Great White Shark', which just came out of nowhere, I just thought maybe this is for Hannah and Chrisitan. So I followed that and started to put the words together with that in mind and, yeah, this idea of you both living side by side came in and at the time I thought, you know, that seems like a very physical concept, and I wasn't quite sure what that was about, but it did feel really right. And then when I was going back through the transcripts, I think it was something that you've maybe done with Christian writing and channelling, and it mentioned that you were living side by side, and I got so many chills at that; just thinking, yeah, that was absolute confirmation for me that there was influence in that from Christian or from spirit somehow - that it just came through from there.

Hannah Velten  18:52

Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna mention something else as well now - I've suddenly remembered. Gosh, there's so much to say, but yes that physicality. I mean Chris has dropped in over the weekend. Am I gonna say this now? Yeah, why not. We're in the right place for it... I talked in a couple of episodes ago about being a wayfinder [meant wayshower] and that was the kind of new alchemising grief and that sort of label had changed a bit towards that, as a 'Wayshower'. And I had a sound healing at the weekend (actually it was on Friday) with a lady called Samantha Parker, Sammy, and I'd met her through this group and she was offering sound healing and I thought, well, that would be a really good idea; something I've never done before. I'm coming to the end of six months, I'm tired, I need to have a sort of clearing and I need to sort of get some clarity about what's going forward... So we did the session over Zoom, and she sings beautifully (much like yourself, Laura - actually this is interesting); she uses her voice as a healing tool (yeah, this is interesting for you!) and the intention was set to clear and to get some clarity on moving forward and, during the session, Sam was singing, and I was sort of lying there thinking, this is strange, nothing particularly is happening. I was just enjoying the sort of meditation and relaxation of it and then suddenly, Chris came in... I was lying on the bed, and he was literally physically, I swear, it was like he was physically lying next to me, on my left, because he always comes in on the left. And througout the sound therapy, which was weird, but beautifully weird, he was showing me that our connection is in the heart, but it's also now in the third eye. So it's like imagination and inner seeing. So he will from now, in the future, he will be feeding me more stuff. I mean, it's going to be much stronger. And then he showed me - on the clarity moving forward - he then introduced me to an energy on my right, who was very, very physical, as well, felt masculine and it appears that, yeah, we are going to be moving forward with... I was like sandwiched in-between Chris and this other energy. And that is how we're going to move forward. So there's going to be much more creating; I'm going to have a lot more time and space to create things is essentially what the first sort of next set of steps are. So it was so physical, so physical, so that 'side by side' is perfect wording. So that was given straight at the beginning, wasn't it?... I was actually sort of thinking about this, I was really surprised how many gifts I've actually been given through this podcast. So I thought [Hannah wryly laughs] so naively, that I would just come on, and it would be six months of talking and basically being in service to the audience, and anybody who's listening who could resonate with our story, they would take little bits and pieces, whatever they needed out of each episode. But actually, I can now see and it's actually Chris's birthday week - his birthday was on the seventh of July, which was on Friday, I think it was - and I didn't actually realise until I was doing the transcription from Louise's episode... so Louise Adams was our death doula who came on the last episode and there was something so 'translucent' about it - if that's the right word, I can't really describe it - but she was kind of like the last guest that I had been introduced to and Chris has literally been working so hard on this podcast behind the scenes and the whole six months has been a gift from him, to me. For sure.

Hannah Velten  23:52

He's, as I say, brought me guests just to share their story, so I don't feel alone. [Hannah tears up] Oh, I'm getting emotional. So they've been honestly and beautifully sharing their stories and I've been going, yeah, that's what happened to me. Like, I'm not alone. We're not alone in this world. There are so many other people who are experiencing the same as us on a physical and non-physical level, but unless you talk about it, and unless you're out there talking about it, people can't find you. They don't know where you are. And yeah, this platform (that's an unusual term), this platform, this podcast, has really allowed people to come into my life and, yeah, Chris has shown me that I am not alone. For sure. And certainly with Louise's show, he showed me several (I don't think I'm going to share them), but in that episode he shared with me several things about his choice of death and the timing as well. He's given me the last little threads to tie up; you know, anything that was slightly not right or I couldn't quite understand or couldn't quite grasp, he's given me the the information through listening to the guests. So that's been incredible. And also he's - I've got to find it; Oh, no, it's here look... I was just going to introduce this now... if you're listening to this, obviously you can't see this... but it's quite a thick perspex translucent triangle. It's not 3d, it's 2D... what would you call that? 3d or 2d?

Laura Gardner  26:03

It is 3d.

Hannah Velten  26:04

It's just a triangle. It's not a prism. So it's just a triangle.

Laura Gardner  26:08

It's like a cross section of a prism.

Hannah Velten  26:11

Thank you, Laura. I'm glad someone knows their geometry [both laughs]. Anyway, it's not big. It's what, five, ten, eight centimetres tall; let's say eight centimetres. And I found this on our dining room table, the day after Chris's birthday. Now normally, Chris, on his birthday, he gives me something; I always get something in the post, something random, like socks, or... there's always something. But this year, he seems to have manifested this. Because nobody knows where it came from; my family don't know where it's coming from, anybody who sent me something in the last week, I have been in touch with them, just to see if in the packet they put this triangle in, and they haven't. So that's all I can put it down to is that it's a manifested gift from Chris. Now the triangle, in the episodes, we always talked about a triangle being the balance of love, knowledge and power. And I take this as my sign that at the end of this podcast, at the end of the six months, I now have all the love, all the power and all the knowledge that I need to now, in a balanced way (in a very balanced way) to now move forward. And this energy that's on my right, that Chris showed me is very much to do with moving forward. Yeah... so the person who is the right energy, is a person who has the financial means to support, and is looking for a purpose. So I'm just gonna leave that there. I wasn't going to mention that, but I'm going to mention it now, because Chris and I our purpose now is to extend obviously what we've done over the podcast. The podcast has been Chris's gift to get me to the point where I am ready for whatever's going to come next and to expand on my message a lot further out. And actually... I didn't know if you picked up on it, Laura... but certainly the journey of six months (like the duration of what we've been doing here) was what Chris was originally planning to do in Africa, he had a six month journey ahead of him. So I hadn't even clicked about that until it came into my head while I was preparing for the show. And there's a beautiful symmetry in that because Chris, obviously, was going to Africa to follow in the footprints of Mungo Park. He was going to write a book about his experience, but he also had the film camera, which we've talked about a lot; so the idea for him was to come back after his trip with all this information and he was then going to write his book. He was then going to create his film. Obviously, that never happened for him. But it feels like because I've - I'm just hearing now - because I've done what I've done, which is essentially gone to find him and bring his story back and also rebirth both of us, like that is now the story that we have to tell. This podcast has been filmed, so all the films are on YouTube. Also, there are 30 films that I've done over the last few years, which basically describe our journey. I mean, they are literally me talking to camera, as I'm realising, you know, some major thing about us on our journey, and they're very raw (there's no staging at all; the sounds okay, but some of the videos are a bit dodgy), but essentially shows our 'Grief Walk' very clearly, and how I began to channel Chris, and how what we do now, how that developed. So I do feel going forward, we've got so much information - I know, Laura, you realised how much information - we have at our fingertips [both laugh] and like how to turn those into a book and a film. And I do feel that's where we are headed, because we have all this information.... you won't see this if you're listening as well, but this is what Laura (I've printed this out) [shows a pad of printed paper]... that's just a section of all the quotes and the information that we've got through the podcast. It's very layered, isn't it? There's so many layers to this that need further exploration, I think.

Laura Gardner  31:41

Yeah, I was having a quick look through actually, before we came on air, and I think even within the themes, there are more themes. So it's been broken down and sort of stratified. But yeah, there were sort of more and more connections, I think, the more you go deeper, there are so many different parallels and so many commonalities and the experiences of the people that you've spoken to. And I think that's really beautiful, you know, like you were saying, you're not alone in the experience that you've had. And I think it really is wonderful to be talking about all of this. And that's something that came up as well, repeatedly, was just the need to speak out loud about these kinds of experiences, and to make it more commonplace that people are having these open conversations and sharing what they've gone through. And normalising that sort of being open about grief, because that's the only way that it can pass through you and then become this transformation.

Hannah Velten  32:42

Yeah, and there was some comment, I think it was very early on - I think Ursula - was talking about grief being seen as a painting and that you find the beauty in the painting, even though, you know, you've had a loss, but you find the beauty within it, and the gifts and what you gain from that as well. You know, we go through this and so many people actually, in the podcast, we have been talking about the gifts of loss, and the gift of grief, because grief really is a gift if you want to see it that way and open it up and have a different perspective. And what came through so much was the need for ritual and the need for someone like ourselves - as wayshowers - to really give people a... I keep seeing this picture of a lighthouse... like a guiding light out of the grief, out of the pain and the darkness, because we were there, you know, we were there - stuck there - and through self healing we found the way into the light. But as we now have done the process, we can shine brightly, you know, and draw people into the light and I guess show them the mistakes and the U-turns and the blocks that we had on our journey - like how to overcome them - and to do the grief walk a lot quicker. [both laugh]

Laura Gardner  34:16

Yeah, I think that came through quite strongly as well... so many people had been doing it in the dark, basically - that's the opposite, isn't it - and feeling their way through without understanding what was expected, what was normal. There was a lot around, you know, misconceptions of how Hollywood portrays grief (I think that was something mentioned by Rochelle Bugg) about how she thought grief was going to happen, how it was going to be this sort of flash thing, but actually the fact that it becomes revisited when you least expect it and actually a friend of mine, she lost an aunt and her cousins described what they experienced as 'sneaky grief', you know, you think you've got over the worst, where you think you've got over a spell of, you know, feeling low, and then suddenly something will happen in life, and it just sneaks up on you again, because, you know, it doesn't just work in one big bout. It's not like it's over. It's a real process to go through, layer by layer. And I think something else that - I think it was also Rochelle - brought up was the fact that you're not given more than you can handle at the time. And it was like her brain and her, you know, inner intelligence knew what she could handle at any one moment and gave her little pieces of it to deal with. And I know that's something I'd experienced as well, you know, it's that sense of, Oh, yeah, you know, I'm in a safe space now (and I think Ursula Dekker mentioned that; all these little threads that are so common across the stories, and I know, I've heard you say that as well) and that, you know, you only get what you can handle, when you can handle it. And those opportunities to heal will come at the right time, when you've got the right support around you.

Hannah Velten  36:01

Yeah, totally, totally, it does come in layers - thank goodness, otherwise, well, you wouldn't cope with it. I couldn't have coped with everything happening at once - that just doesn't happen. And I think that maybe also stops people from doing a 'Grief Walk' because they think they're going to be totally overwhelmed. I mean, I was the same; that's the thing, I was the same as everybody. You know, you think I can't cope with this, because... it'll just kill me, I haven't got the capacity to deal with it. But you will never be given more - as you say - more than you can hold and you are always given... I know we've downloaded an 'Emergency Grief Kit', which is available on the YouTube channel, The Finder of Lost Things, and also within RAISE, which is our community - there were three films and it was, literally, you are not being given more than you can handle. The three films are full of that... I downloaded them from what I called 'The Creator' (that was who introduced themselves to me) and it literally helps you to get into a balanced state - like the triangle; I think we talked a lot in that film, actually, about the triangle - and, you know, your way of living; you have to be balanced and strong before you even start doing the grief course / the grief walk and certainly, for me, I couldn't start until I was strong enough. And you know, that's part of nature, that's part of meditation, that's self care, that's all these things and being in flow and acceptance and sort of surrender, which when I thought about it, I was like, I can't do any of that. But I was made to surrender, in the end {Hannah laughs wryly]; if things keep coming up, challenge after challenge after challenge, in the end you go, right, I give up, because I cannot cope with this.

Laura Gardner  38:13

There were a lot of stories actually where that was reflected; again, it's this commonality of the experience and people being given further loss events. I'm trying to think, was it Karen Chaston?

Hannah Velten  38:27

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Being made redundant after losing her son. 

Laura Gardner  38:31

Yeah. And just finally recognising that, actually, that was a part of the gift of what she was being given was this opportunity to go to these places that she hadn't been to before and to really return to what was her 'calling' to do something that wasn't just the rat race of the corporate world, it was something much deeper. And it was only when she was forced to surrender that, you know, that lifestyle that she was able to then find a much more fulfilling way of living and start being in that serving role. I think that's quite common as well for people to find out when they go through that journey.

Hannah Velten  39:09

Yeah, certainly. Well, we had Rochelle, she had a car accident and ended up in the same hospital that her mum was a patient in. And then Louise had a near death experience with someone pulling a gun on her. So like, [Hannah laughs], you know, the Universe does send you signs that you really need to go on your 'Grief Walk'. And I guess there's always going to be people around - like myself - who are there to support you. And I know Laura, you've done your own journey. Now I need to ask you about this... So I kind of feel this episode is bringing a close to 18 years. So Chris went missing in Africa in 2003. And it does feel, yeah, that all the little threads have been tied together and, you know, I can tie the main ribbon on the box at the moment. And so that was sort of 18 years worth of... of...  stuff [Hannah laughs] to process and release. But we were talking earlier (weren't we Laura) about how we met, and how you can actually trace where you are now, at this minute... go on and tell the audience where you can sort of trace yourself back to... 

Laura Gardner  40:32

Well, I mean, I've thought about it since and it probably goes back years and years and years {both laugh]. But there was one specific moment that suddenly dawned on me that when I moved to Canada for a few years and I had the choice of booking two different flights. And they were exactly the same price, just a week apart. And I chose the earlier flights that was the week before and through that I met a girl called Caroline, who I was only in contact with very briefly while she was in Vancouver before she moved back home. And she had wanted to join a choir and she'd asked me if I would join a choir with her. So she looked up these choirs, and it's very convoluted, but there was only one that I could attend because of my work schedule. And it was a gospel choir. So fast forward to when I moved back to England. And we did talk about the sort of end of this story when we had met up at the gospel choir that we were singing with... That in itself was really quite a strange event that I actually ended up with the gospel choir in the first place, because I hadn't even thought to look for a gospel choir when I moved back (I just didn't think I was going to find anything that would compare), but a bus journey I took, once, took me past the church where they rehearsed, on the one week when they had a sign outside because they just done their concert. So the chances of me seeing that sign were just so minuscule. [Laura laughs] But you know, I ended up at this choir and then I think it was probably the following term that we then ended up meeting. And I think this is what we had talked about in the first episode was that I very nearly didn't show up to the event where we actually met. But you know, through a series of strange events, I actually did feel compelled to go. And that's how we ended up talking. And yeah, so here we are now. [Laura laughs]

Hannah Velten  42:34

The thing is about that event, that I met you at, that was the first time I'd ever told anybody what - oh, I'm getting chills - it was the first time I ever told anybody what I did. I don't even know what I told you. I probably told you as a tarot reader or something or...

Laura Gardner  42:53

I'm trying to think...

Hannah Velten  42:55

I was so cagey about what I did... I was what, sorry?...

Laura Gardner  42:58

Spirit Writer - I think that's what I remember; that you were writing with spirit and there was that connection....

Hannah Velten  43:05

I think I was being quite honest, you were the first person I sort of mentioned that too. 

Laura Gardner  43:10

But there's another funny link - I think I said to you - I've always been open to that kind of thing. And the reason I'm open to that is because my dad's cousin has his own story about, you know, how he connects with Spirit (he didn't ask for that, it just was in his life from when he was really small). He's always been very open about his experiences and he's the reason I moved to Canada in the first place, because he lives there. So that's the tracing, right the way back, and he's been there since he was 23 years old. He's now 77. [Ahhh, says Hannah] So it goes way back, you know, I was just ready to hear what you had to say, because it's always fascinated me. Always. 

Hannah Velten  43:59

Well, there you go [both laugh]. So, yeah, and Chloe, who was on our show a couple of weeks ago, who knew Chris when they were about 10 or so, you know, this goes back. Stories like this - and where you are right now - there's stuff that's been brewing all your life, to bring you to this moment in time. So if you're sitting here, like you might have just tuned in on the podcast, you might just come to the final episode and just think what on earth is all this about? But it might be worth like dipping into other bits of this podcast, because you never know. You're here specifically for a reason. You were here to listen to my voice, to Laura's voice, to any of the guests. You know, you're here to hear our story. There is something about our story, Chris and I, that's something for you. And I know... I don't want to miss this out, because this has to be in... but all the way through the podcast, I've been quite... I haven't talked about our parents very much, because they don't listen to this podcast. Okay? I have to be honest. Yeah, Chris, is tell me 'We have to be honest', because then you'll realise the importance of this. So it's been very difficult for me to openly do this podcast and, you know, Mum and Dad have never stopped me or Chris from ever doing anything. And that is why we've chosen them as parents, because they have allowed us our freedom, they have allowed us, you know, they've been amazing. [Hannah gets a bit emotional] But my dad, particularly, just could not cope with the thought of his son dying. And being in Africa, away, and... our parents would say (well, particularly Dad would say) he's been missing for 18 years. And I've always attempted to try and tell them about what I do - Mum's more open - but it's always caused... it's something that the door has been shut on, because it's too difficult and, you know, not ready for the 'grief walk' at all. Anyway, Chris's birthday, a couple of days ago, Dad phoned me up (because we always phone each other on Chris's birthday) and Dad said to me [Hannah gets emotional], "I suppose you've been talking to Chris today?" And I was like, 'Er, yes. I spent quite a lot of time with Chris this morning (or he would call him Christian), we were chatting about..." and I was so surprised that he'd even mentioned that. It totally took me by surprise... And then he said, 'I had a chat with Chris, too (he goes cycling and he took himself off and he was talking to Chris as well). And, like, it shocked me so much, I said, [Hannah laughing} "Well, did Christian say anything back to you?' He said, "Oh, no, no, no; I just told him, he was such clot" (you know, for being in Africa and doing whatever)... I wasn't too emotional at the time, but when I came off the call, I realised the significance of that. And I know we haven't talked about it so much, but I know with clients, there's always this concern if you go through a grief walk - if you are the one in your family, who wants to heal their grief - (oh I've got chills) and you don't know how your family are going to react to you doing a grief walk, and to actually healing and transforming a grief. Because often, you know, grief, particularly if you've got a difficult death (I'm going to call them 'difficult deaths') in the family that aren't really talked about... or there's mystery surrounding it, like a missing person... like, it's so difficult if you are the one person in the family who wants to heal, because we know you heal generations going back, you heal future generations. I'm just saying to you that please do the grief walk for you, because you then allow other people in your family to grieve in their own way [Hannah gets emotional] Oh, that's Chris... you will never change anybody in their grief process. You can't force anybody to actively grieve and go through the process. But by you doing it, your emotions ripple out to everybody in your immediate family, in your larger family, in your friends, in your community, in, like, it gets bigger and bigger, like, the world. You know, you do a podcast, you talk about your grief, you talk about how you heal and you heal so many more people. People see a different perspective. They see it's possible. Like Dad has done his healing through me, somehow; I don't know how it works, but he has gradually... because I've been able to heal and transform, it has allowed him to do it too. And he has found his own way. And that is, like, Chris and I [showing emotion] that's our greatest wish, I guess; that people who, like we were... like we were stuck. Chris was Earth bound. He couldn't move on into Spirit, where he is now. He was stuck... We were both ghosts of ourselves. You know, Chris was like a phantom ghost, stuck. He couldn't release himself from being Earthbound. I was physically stuck. Really, like I was a ghost of myself. By doing this 'Grief Walk' you know, we've freed ourselves; we are like free spirits now. We've talked a lot about the eagle image of us, both as eagles. You know, we are free spirits now... I'm hearing this... We dance in the sunshine. We ride the waves. We lead with love - like Chris gave me that. There is every reason to do your Grief Walk. Like your ancestors, your family, the community that you're in. There has to be grief. There has to be a ritual. There has to be a way of letting it out. Because you can rebirth. You can heal. You can transform. You know from a missing brother in Africa, who disappeared off the face of the earth, this is what we have ended up being able to share with you. And, you know, yeah, that's all we can do now is to serve by sharing our story. And I thank everybody who has been on the podcast. You know, there's obviously Laura. And then we've got Ursula Dekker. We've got Sara Jaffar, who was Chris's friend who came on, and we've got Rochelle Bugg. We've got Natasha Harris. We've got Steve Homewood. We've got Nicki Shefras. We've got Karen Chaston and Dan, and then Karen Anderson. Oh, Karen Anderson, the pet loss. I've got three minutes or so. Now, at the beginning of our show, back in January, we just lost our black Labrador, Duffy. The vet had to come out on Christmas Day night (can you believe it?) to take her, and allow her to pass over onto the other side. Now, obviously being involved with grief, we were quite prepared for it because she'd stopped eating but we didn't know when it was gonna actually really end... but literally on Christmas Day in the evening, she actually sat and her eyes went to the corner of the room and she just stared at the corner of the room. I'm getting chills. Like she knew there was something there and I kind of turned to look to see what was there. There was obviously nothing there. But she had seen whatever she'd seen and I just then knew, right we're gonna have to let her go. She wanted to stay with us and she kept with us, despite... she'd stopped eating and she still was with us for, you know, 10 days or so. But anyway, I knew it was time. So we had my young children, my husband (because COVID meant no one else was around for Christmas) and literally I took them through a grief ritual with the dog.

Hannah Velten  53:57

Duffy passed on and kept coming back to me in dreams with this other male dog that she bought to me. Anyway, that is now Freddie, who is our puppy. And I never shared this in the podcast, but I'm going to now: the day that Duffy passed over - on Christmas Day - was the day that Freddie was conceived. Now, I didn't know that until a month or two ago. But I'll let you draw your own conclusions on that one. Freddie is the male that Duffy brought into my dream. So there we go. Anyway, so um, yeah, so Karen Anderson, then we had Desi, then we had Kerri and Michael in spirit. Then we had Sophia and her brother, Zubi. And then we had Chloe and then we had Louise Adams at the end. So I want to thank all my guests, so much, and producers Olivia, Jacob, and Elvin, who's doing today's show. I've thoroughly enjoyed the last six months. I mean, at times I have thought Urrgh, why am I doing this? And I'm sure Chris felt the same in Africa, as we all know he did, but, you know, I know the gifts and I thank Chris from the bottom of my heart, {Hannah gets emotional} because I know he's given me all of this. He's given me this podcast as a gift. I know that now. And we will move forward to do whatever we now need to do, to serve you. So thank you so much to Laura, for joining us and your beautiful theme tune, which, I don't know whether we'll hear the whole of it, now? It would be maybe quite nice... that's just springing it on Elvin, so it might not happen. Yeah, I just want to send love to everybody out there and thank you very much audience for listening over the six months. And yeah, you can always find me at hannahvelten.online and on YouTube and on the podcast, you know, you can find it all at finderoflostthingspodcast.com and you'll find some show notes and all the links in there for the last six months of the series, and just dip in wherever you feel drawn, because there will always be messages and something for you there. So lots of love, and hopefully we'll meet again. Bye, bye. 

Hannah Velten  56:33

[Outro] Thank you for listening to 'The Finder of Lost Things'. I think we've been triggered so long and so hard by COVID and it's going to carry on. People are getting used to stillness and they're getting used to more solitude. But how do you use that time for the highest good? This process that we're going to explore will bring back the joy and purpose to life: that wholeness, you know, that sort of harmony and flow and togetherness. People are really ready to find their lost parts now. You can find me at hannahvelten.online