Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.486)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denney. And we are excited to answer another great question that came in. So thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for asking great questions. Thanks for striving to be your best self. And kudos to you, you guys. Life is challenging, to say the least. That's an understatement.

And then there are a few people who say, you know what, I'm gonna keep leveling up, I wanna do more. And- I'm gonna thrive instead of just survive. Survive, yeah, exactly. And if you look around at studies and statistics and things, it's very well established. It's really less than 2% of people are striving to thrive instead of survive. So really there's 98% of people who are just, they're just gonna survive more, just going along there.

They're enjoying the ride. They're having fun. They're entertaining themselves to death, but it's very few who say, you know what, I know things can be better. I know I have more potential. I wanna make this better. And the fact that you're listening to this, the fact that you care, that you're asking questions, it puts you in the 2% club. So kudos to you. Welcome to the club. So let's hit this question. Okay, so I'll just read it. Hi, Dennings, I love listening to your podcast. I'm a stay at home mom.

or in homeschool. I really wish I could live a little more extraordinary like your family does, but alas, I have a spouse who of course I love, that doesn't feel the same. I desperately want to travel, he doesn't. I long to do things a different way, he doesn't. I like to read and listen to podcasts and all, and he doesn't. But honestly, my real question here is about myself. You said something in your recent episode, the one about

helping your spouse level up, that I think was two episodes ago, that hit me where it hurts. It was about how much hard work it is, your lifestyle, and how it is kind of laughable to you now that what you used to consider hard work. I'm slightly ashamed to admit this, but I can, but I can't seem to handle much. I want to be a hard worker.

Rachel Denning (02:32.642)
but it seems like other people are able to handle so much more than me. I'm an introvert who is sadly socially awkward, needs lots of reflection time, has never been encouraged or supported. I've never felt capable of much of anything. I want different for myself and definitely don't want my kids in the same boat. What is your advice for increasing my capacity to be able to handle more, especially without any encouragement or support? I want better, I just don't know how to get there.

Wow! That's the first time you've heard that question. That's the first time. That is so good. So, so good. First of all, fantastic self-awareness. You can tell there's some thought and process there. I'm really working through it like, okay, this is where I'm at and this is where I want to go. Which is, we can't get anywhere in life until we know those two things. Where we want to go and where we currently are. Just like Google Maps. Yeah. Unless you put in where you are and where you want to go, it cannot provide a route. Exactly.

And so asking for the route also kudos to you for, you know, being at home with four kids. That's a ton of work. Then choosing to do private education and being in charge of that. That's a ton of work. And then being a 2% are married to a 98% and I don't want to I mean that I'm over oversimplifying. There's almost always something else there's underlying causes of underlying causes and so

So if someone, my husband doesn't want to do any of those things, I would love to talk to him. I'd love to meet him, love to coach him. I guarantee there's some underlying things. It might be fears, concerns, worries, negative past experiences, doubts, insecurities, thinking, well, if I say yes, what does that actually mean? Well, I have to work more, I have to do more. Is there more effort or is there more threat? Is there more risk? If we go, we decide to go do something crazy, ah.

And so the easy out for most people is like, no, I don't wanna do that. Right, I think if you got people in an honest moment, most of them, including the 98%, they do want to do something. They do have dreams and desires and passions. They do wanna get better, but what holds them back are these things you're talking about. All the fears and doubts and concerns about failing or trying and...

Rachel Denning (04:58.698)
not achieving. It's terrifying to most people. And so they feel that it's safer to just not try. Right. Because they either fear an outcome or they fear the process. Or they fear the ridicule they'll receive. If they fail. I think especially for men. I know that you've talked about this before in your men's group, that men have more than having a fear of failure, they have a fear of being seen as a failure. Yep.

And so, you know, that for a lot of men that holds them back, they don't want to try and do something different because they want to, they want to succeed. They want to provide for their family. They want to have the income and the stability that their family needs, which is all a good thing. And so they feel that taking these risks and put that in jeopardy, which is in part true. And so that's why they prefer to take the safer route because it is safe. Additionally,

I see this often.

It's it's so challenging especially without the systems I'm that's the core ingredients like if you don't have rock-solid systems in place and we're gonna talk about that in a second here capacity and capability if you don't have rock-solid systems in place then you're just trying to survive what you already have and The thought of adding more you're like we're just trying to keep our stuff together here Like it already feels like a dumpster fire, you know

three or four or five or seven days a week. And you want to go travel the world? I'm just barely hanging on. I hardly sleep at night. I'm up, you know, up late and up early and worried and just trying to, like keep a normal life together. Yeah. And you want to go do what? Start a business and travel the world and tackle this view out of your mind, right? It seems so overwhelming. And

Rachel Denning (06:59.21)
It even seems impossible because we don't have systems and strategies in place to make it work. Because in many ways you are adding to that workload. I mean, traveling is an interruption to all of those things. It does interrupt your sleep and your schedule and your routines if you have them. I mean, it is an interruption. Same with strenubis and their wrists. So the point is there are valid concerns.

So I guess in some ways that's where we start recognizing like, yeah, there are valid concerns here. There are valid things to be worried about. So the fact that your spouse isn't fully on board, it's actually a really good thing. And people may not realize this about us, but we've always had that dynamic. When one of us comes up with some crazy dream, the other one of us is like, whoa, hold on one second. Like, here's all the potential pitfalls here.

We need to watch out. So it's not, we're not being Pollyanna when we are pursuing dreams and not paying attention to the real risks because there are real risks. So one of the best ways to support your spouse in this process of wanting to do more of those things is to first acknowledge, say, yeah, you're right. You are right. All of the things you are worried about are legit. They're potential. They are potential risks. So I'm not...

I'm not trying to tell you that there's no risk in trying to pursue something different. There are real risks. But I am saying that- Or even efforts or challenges or obstacles. Exactly. Yeah, things won't work out exactly how you hoped they would. Yeah, exactly. And so the important thing is though to have that acknowledgement between each other because otherwise you feel like your spouse, the one who's not on board, may feel like you're living in some sort of la land and not aware of

what could go wrong. Exactly. You're just delusional. Yeah, you are delusional. You think that we're going to be able to do that and not potentially. And you and I trade off when we do that. You'll come back in and I'm like, you're not seeing this. And I'll come to you with this big dream and you're like, you're not even understanding logistics. Exactly. Right. And I remember very vividly the very first time when we got these crazy ideas to travel and I like we stood in the hallway face to face. I mean,

Rachel Denning (09:20.822)
We had maybe one or two kids at the time. And we knew what we were facing. We were like, we could end up declaring bankruptcy. We could end up losing your career, which was a huge deal to us at the time. Yeah, you're right. It was me. It was. And people think I'm the wild driver. And I think that's pretty accurate for the most part. But that time I was like, First time. Babe, you don't understand. If we try that and it doesn't work out, if we lose everything.

And it was terrifying, especially because I had come from extreme poverty. I'd been broke and then, you know, we had a career. We had achieved our dream, which was a paycheck every other week, you know, secure job, 401k. We had the house, like we had everything. And so it felt so risky putting all of that on the line. And yeah, you were terrified. I was terrified too. But

The important thing was we addressed that. We didn't pretend like that wasn't a real risk. We were like, yeah, you're right. We could end up losing everything. And in fact, if you guys know our story, along the way, that did happen. 2008, we ended up losing everything. So it did happen to us. But we're also here to tell you that it was worth it and we're better for it. And we made a lot of stupid mistakes. That's what we share. And we had no mentoring and coaching. Don't do.

what we did. Yeah, exactly. So there's tons of ways around it. And in some ways though, do what we did because it helped us to grow and develop. I mean, it's also foolish to say don't try or don't, don't make mistakes because that's a part of the journey. That's a part of the process. And there will be mistakes and there will be failures. There will be obstacles. And I remember a couple of things early on in that journey that I think were transformative for me and for us.

One, I heard Brian Tracy say, imagine the worst case scenario, write it down on paper, and then do everything in your power to prevent it from happening. I was like, yes! Now, a lot of people imagine the worst case scenario and they get freaked out, they wet themselves, and then they never dream or take the risk. They never even try. They never even leave the porch because they're like, the thought of the worst case scenario scared them so bad they went back inside and they're like, no, I'm never gonna do anything, I'm not gonna live, I'm just gonna exist.

Rachel Denning (11:48.734)
I am like the crudes. We're not gonna live. We're just not gonna die. We're gonna stay in the cave. This isn't living. It's just not dying. So one is imagine a worst case scenario and then do everything in your power to prevent it. It's really powerful strategy. You're like, what, how, how can things go wrong? What, what can fall apart here? Okay, what do we do to prevent that? It's really powerful. The second piece was that we had to learn how to solve problems, we had to learn how to become more capable.

And that was the question. Yeah. And we learned to the way I like to teach it. And when I'm coaching is to increase our capacity. We have to increase our capacity. And I remember distinctly this, this day, this moment, I was trying to, I was trying to wrap my head around and try to write, trying to teach him like, how do you, how do you increase your capacity? How do you increase your capability? How do you become tougher? And it just struck me. There's only one way to become.

Just one, there are no shortcuts, there are no hacks, there's no back door somebody lets you in, and nobody can share it with you. There's one way to become tough, and it's to do hard things. That's it, and I went back and forth, and I tried to wrap my head all the way around, and I did everything I could, I'm like, there's no way around it. And at the time we were reading tons of autobiographies and biographies and stories, and we still,

We still have, I mean, I still average a book a week. There's no exception. The only way to become tough is to do hard things. The only way to become more capable and to increase your capacity is to do more. Take on more. Well, because essentially the meaning of increasing your capacity means you have more capability to do more things. And the only way...

for you to develop that skill is to actually do more things. Now, going back to what people say, like, I'm already doing so much, what do you mean do more things? It also means doing more of the right things. Because if you just keep doing more and more and more. And you're still a dumpster fire. That doesn't contribute to your capacity, it just contributes to your overwhelm and your. Chaos. Yeah. And worse results. So you're right, thank you for clarifying.

Rachel Denning (14:17.358)
Because you might be like, I have so much going on, I'm doing so much. And you might not be doing any of it very well. And do. Any listener, I'm not talking to the person asking the question, I'm just to everybody. Are the things, are all the things you're doing really matter? They all really matter. They need to be a part of your life. If not, say no, get them out. Anything that remains, you have to figure out how to do well. Yes. Very efficiently and effectively. So in some ways when we say do more, what we mean is...

do less of the things that don't matter and more efficient things in the things that do matter. So you're increasing, because if you're trying to increase your capacity in something.

you have to learn how to do it well. And the only way to do it well is by giving focused attention and the only way you can give it focused attention is if you eliminate all the distractions. Yep. I have this post-it note on my desk that says, when you get clarity about the things that really matter, it also, well, I can't remember exactly, but I think it's actually, if you get clarity about the things that don't matter, it gives you clarity about the things that do matter. Or vice versa, they both work. They both work.

go from both either direction. Yeah. So you're getting clarity about the things that matter and things that actually like you like to say, move the dial, move the needle, the things that are going to actually make a difference. And you do more of that thing and less of the other stuff. Like when you're running all over the place, like chicken with its head cut off, you're not increasing capacity. You're just literally being crazy. So you have to, and you're like,

I'm doing what the Denning said, but doing more. You're like, whoa. Right, so you have to get real clarity about the things that matter and the things that will make a difference and do more of those things and less of everything else. And so it really comes down to simple strategies of making things more effective. And we'll try to give some specific examples here.

Rachel Denning (16:22.21)
But essentially, at a fundamental level, 15 minutes a day is 97 hours in a year. Let that sink in, 97 hours, that's a lot. And if you could use, I mean, what could you accomplish if you had focused dedication to 97 hours? You could do a lot of things, pretty amazing. And so we're like, well, how do I find 15 minutes in a day?

And many of you are like, I'm so busy. I don't have five minutes. I'm, ah, it's crazy, it's all over. I have no downtime. The truth is there's a ton of wasted time and we haven't learned how to do things effectively or efficiently, so we haven't increased our capabilities or our capacity. And so it seems like we're filled and overflowing. I like to see little glass containers.

that are ascending in size. So the one, right now we're the little glass container, the little one. Like a little teeny can jar. It's spilling over. Pouring stuff in, it's just spilling over. And here we are saying, add some more. It's already overflowing. You want me to just keep pouring the water, it's overflowing. And so when you increase your capacity, you take everything that's in the little container and you dump it in the next one up, and it all fits easily, and there's still some space for some more. So you actually can pour some more in.

And then you keep doing that. You keep increasing your capacity and capability. So what happens is you realize, wow, I'm wasting, I'm wasting a lot of time or I'm busy, but not productive. There's a gigantic distinction between being busy and being productive. And, you know, they did this research in the workplace and they said it takes the average worker 14 days.

14 working days to do five hours of deep work, which is mind boggling, right? It seems insane. It's insane. But it's true. People struggle to focus and to stay focused, not get distracted and just really get in and get deep work done, work that actually matters. And I would say the same thing is true in our homes. It's taking 14 days to do five hours of work that actually makes a difference in our homes. But think about if we got our lives organized and dialed in and focused and...

Rachel Denning (18:47.362)
and we had systems and strategies in place, we could do three to four hours a day of deep work and that just changes everything. Exactly, and I think that the way you and I do that was something I perfectly articulated yesterday because for me personally, I have learned how to be very self-aware. And so when I start to feel the slightest feelings of overwhelm, that's when I begin to.

process it and voice it and work through it. I don't wait until I'm, I mean, I try to avoid waiting until I'm over, I'm crushed by overwhelm to do something about it. I begin at the beginning. And so- Because then I might find you buried somewhere in a closet. Yeah, I'd crawl up in a ball. In a ball crying. I'm overwhelmed, right? So yesterday at breakfast, I said, okay, I'm starting to feel some overwhelm here. And part of the reason is I don't know what to put as a priority right now, today.

Because we have so many things going on right now. We just acquired our new World School Family Resort here in southern Portugal. We also are, I'm running Facebook ads, and we're working on, I'm working on my other business, my charts and my systems and my 28 day challenge. And we've got the animals and we've got homeschooling. Like we have so many things going on. And so part of the reason overwhelm occurs and part of the reason we don't increase our capacity, we just keep doing more of lots of things, is we don't.

have clarity about the most important thing. When you know what the most important thing is at every, let's say, at least every hour of your day, that gives you clarity and it reduces overwhelm. And it increases your capacity because you're able to focus with intention on that specific thing. When you do that, that's how you increase capacity. Because you're not scatterbrained everywhere. You're focused on right now at this moment.

I am doing this task and when I'm done with this task, I'll move on to the next one. That for me is key to reducing overwhelm and giving me that focused attention to be able to do the task I'm doing well, which is essentially what then brings more capacity and capability. And another thing that we've been teaching for years and also came up yesterday is like, well, all the things you just mentioned are important. Yes. Like, well, I have, and this is...

Rachel Denning (21:14.486)
It's actually inaccurate, but if it feels true, it's like you can't have 10 priorities. Like the idea of a priority is like one thing takes precedence over another. Like one thing is more important than another, but often you're like, well. It feels like I have 10 priorities right now. All of these things are important. And they all need to be addressed. And one of the challenges, we feel like we have to address all of them today. That's also the one. Well, and that was the other thing that you reminded me yesterday. You're like, we don't, yes, all of those are priorities. They do not all have to get done today.

Ideally, we'll get them all done this week. Right. And so then for me, the way I like to then structure is because yeah, they're all priorities. One approach I take is I chunk my day and I still feel like that's such a powerful tool. So in the morning, I've got personal time and I focus, that's all I focus on, personal time. In the morning, it's my morning routine, my personal routines. Then I've got family time.

And during that time, we do breakfast, we do devotional, we, you know, we're starting the day with the kids. And then during work time, then I'm working on work stuff, whatever that looks like. And then the next piece of, the next strategy I use, besides chunking, is I try to order things in either by urgency or importance. So part of what helped me make my decision.

yesterday and is guiding me every day this week essentially is What's most important for us? We just got the World School Family Resort Currently we only have a few available rooms available for rent so Important not urgent but important is to get those rooms ready so that they can then be rented So then that helps me decide. Oh, okay right now What's most important this because that will help us to produce?

the income to do this, you know, it's like this cascading effect of that's what's most important. Then of course there's the urgent things, right? We, yesterday afternoon, an urgent thing came up of, oh, they're coming to pick up large garbage, so we better make a pile. And then while we're working on that thing, getting old mattresses and all kinds of junk out of this place, we discover the sheep are missing. That of course then means that's a...

Rachel Denning (23:35.798)
That is a priority. Yeah, I walk in there. You can't just be like, oh. They're gone. Our goats and sheep are just gone. And I'm like, oh no. You know, some stray dog came through. Anyways, we go searching all over and I'm calling everybody. So everyone has to stop whatever they're doing. Aliyah was cooking dinner. She had to come out. We had to drop everything because I'm like, okay, there's a distraction. The biggest problem is I feel that is how most people are spending most of their time. And that may not be.

100% accurate. But it feels like it. And they're putting out fires. That you're constantly dealing with that type of thing. You're like, the sheep are gone. This is a, that is a. That to me is survival mode. Now for us, we have got the systems and strategies and the clarity and focus in place enough. And of course this has been, you know, it's been, we've been practicing it for now many years, decades, that those kinds of things are rare.

because we usually are able to, because that's what happens as you increase your self-awareness. You're able to predict those types of things happening so that usually you're able to prevent them. Now we kind of knew it was a risk because our little fences need to be fixed. It's falling over. That's what I was gonna say. The only time it happens to us now is when we take on more, we come into a new project and we have not yet implemented our systems and strategies. So we just took on this huge project and we're dealing with all the neglect.

that's been here for years that we did not do. So we're using a fence that's falling over. We know it needs to be replaced, but getting the rooms ready to rent is the more important priority. And so then sometimes that produces an urgent thing like looking for the lost sheep, right? So we're outlining all of this. So it gives you a concrete example of how this works in our life. We have learned to structure our days in chunks.

and to structure our actions according to our most important priorities. And we literally, and I know sometimes I use this word too much, literally, but in this case it's literally, we have learned to operate almost every moment, every minute of every day based on that strategy. Wouldn't you say that's accurate? Yes, absolutely. Like we've gotten to that point where that's what we do. That's how we just think through it. We think through...

Rachel Denning (26:02.39)
Like, because fundamentally it's like, you're not a firefighter. I'm not a firefighter. Like you're a mom and a wife and a business leader. And I'm a dad, a husband, a businessman. Like we're not firefighters. And so they're constantly facing fires and problems like, okay, stop. Like how do we prevent the problem? How do we prevent forest fires? Yes, how do we prevent all these fires? So I'll be there. If I just feel like my whole day is like, over there, over there, over there, we just stop.

And you've done it so many times, I've done it so many times, we just do full stop. Like everything stopped. And you think your life's going to completely collapse and fall apart if you're not constantly putting out fires or playing whack-a-mole. You stop and say, how do I prevent that from happening again? I'm not doing that. I get interrupted three times a day or 10 times a week, whatever, by that thing. I'm fixing it. I'm putting a system, a strategy in place right now to fix it. And then there, I don't have to deal with that fire anymore. And then I move to the next thing.

fixing this, I'm going to be super proactive. I'm like, I'm gonna stop. That's what increases our capacity and our capability. We're going like, I'm gonna be really, really proactive on this and I'm gonna make a solution here. I'm gonna create a solution that's, and I'm gonna keep up with it. So then I don't have to ever put out a fire in that area anymore. And then I move through, and then eventually as you move through your life, in each of your roles and each of those things, then also you're like, wow, I'm not putting out.

fires every day. I'm not running around like a crazy person. Because I'm preventing them all. I'm preventing fires so I don't have to put out fires. And even creating like self-prevention and self-extinguishing. Like you use create the pattern where you're like, okay, I can do so much more now because I'm not endlessly putting out fires with all the little things I'm doing. Well, because here's what happens. We could talk about it metaphysically or purely biologically. When you have...

energy that you are putting into surviving, putting out fires, then obviously it feels like you have no more energy to put into increasing capacity because in a lot of ways that's very true. Your energy is going to putting out your fires. Your energy is going to solving immediate urgent problems right in front of your face. But when you learn how to prevent those things from happening, suddenly what you realize is, wow.

Rachel Denning (28:26.61)
I actually have energy left over because I'm not in constant survival mode. And then now with this new energy, you can put it into doing something else, taking on more, doing a different challenge, doing a bigger project because you have prevented problems rather than consistently responded or reacted to them.

So that's a huge key piece is that when you learn how to do that bit by bit, little by little, you now have energy reserves that you can put into growing your abilities and capabilities. Yep. So so powerful. And and again, okay, so I want to go back to the 15 minutes and 97 hours. If you can figure out You just love your little numbers.

Rachel Denning (29:25.566)
Um, when you frame it like that, it's pretty powerful. So 30 minutes a day is 22 workdays in a year. So you know, you go 60 minutes a day is what, 44. And 90 minutes a day is what most, the average adult spends on Facebook or social media. That's 66 eight-hour workdays in a year. So most people waste 90 minutes all day long. And if Rachel and I were able to come into your house and just kind of...

quietly watch and just be there just observing the day. Oh my goodness. We can pick out lots of time that is easily 90 minutes. Inefficiently used. Yeah, it's being wasted. You don't feel like it's wasted because you're busy and you remember, oh, I'm doing this and doing that and like, oh, well, yeah. It's because you're not doing that very effectively. So we can find 90 minutes all day long. So that gives you 66 eight hour work days in this next year to work on stuff. That makes you more capable.

And so you start figuring out and do it in five minute increments or 15 minute increments. That's why I like to do that. And I think where it first started for me is when I was single, I would just spend tons of time at the gym as an example. And then I got married and I was like, well, you know, I go to the gym. I go to the gym and I'd come home and she's like, where are you been? And I'm like, whoa, what in the world? I come to the gym for two hours. I can go to the gym. Yeah. Two hours at the gym. And I'm like, yeah, I've spent two hours at the gym.

Like, no, you don't. Oh man. And so then we started having kids and more kids and more kids and all the way up to seven kids and then more businesses and then travel. And I'm like, there's no way I can, I gotta figure out. So it's either, and most people are like, oh, I guess we'll stop working out or whatever. But the reality was I gotta figure out how to get a phenomenal workout in 45 minutes or less. Sometimes 15 minutes or less. Yeah, exactly.

on the days where I'm crazy busy, I got 15 minutes. How can I do this? Now, if I go to my old way of thinking, it's not possible, I guess I'll just sacrifice my health and embrace the dad bod, because I have seven kids. Like, no. And no time to work out. Figure out how to get the workout in and do it with the kids. And again, the survival brain or the weak underdeveloped brains, you can't do it, can't be done.

Rachel Denning (31:43.67)
You know, you can't have kids and work out. You can't have kids and travel the world. You can't run a successful business and stay in shape and have a great family. And like, this is what I do all day, every day. They teach men how to have incredible fitness, a phenomenal family and great finances. Those three things, fitness, family, finance. That's what I do. Cause I optimize those things. You figure that out. So I went from two hours in the gym to hour and a half, then to an hour and then, you know.

really 45 minutes is where I'm at, or less. A lot of my workouts, I'm just wrecked in 30 minutes. I'm like, this is good. I'm in fantastic shape and I can keep my standard of, I can always see my ab muscles. I can always do 50 pushups at any moment and I can always run a 5K at any moment. Those are my bare minimum standards. So I just speed up all that time. And then while I'm working out, I'm listening to great audio books. So I'm learning about business or about health and fitness or about...

family, relationship, whatever, I'm listening to great things. So I'm increasing my capacity. So you're multitasking in a way that's doable, but accomplishing two things at once. Exactly. So I'm exercising my mind and my body and doing it in a shorter time. So now I've increased my capacity and my bandwidth. I can do more. Yes. Okay. There's a couple of things I wanted to address here, especially related to introverts and

What else did she say? So oh well socially awkward, needs a lot of reflection time, hasn't been encouraged or supported. So as far as being introverted and as being someone I would say she says I can't seem to handle much I want to be a hard worker. I absolutely actually relate to those statements because I feel like I've been the person for one I'm very introverted, two

I don't know if lazy is the word, but I definitely enjoy comfort and luxury and the easier way. Sometimes I'll joke with Greg because we'll be out traveling somewhere or something and we're trying to find our way somewhere. And I'm like, babe, they've made this for people like me. Like, this is the way we go because this is the way I would obviously go, right? Like, let's go that way. It's for the average person, right? Instead of taking this.

Rachel Denning (34:08.414)
strange uncharted path over here, let's just follow this route, right? And so I'm totally that person, but I have been able to increase my own capacity and I was just saying to Greg Isheri, like I never imagined that I would be the person coaching or doing podcasts or having a business. Like there's so many things I'm doing in my life now that I would have never imagined I could do or would even want to do. And yet,

over time using these strategies of self-improvement, I've gotten to the point where I easily, and I say easily because it feels easy now, and gladly do these things because I have increased my capacity. Yeah, things you wouldn't, and same for me, things we wouldn't have dreamed of doing. Oh yeah, absolutely. In fact, it sounded like an absolute terror. Right. You told each of us at certain times that we'd be doing a podcast or speaking or teaching. You're like.

No way. I'm not growing up then. Exactly. Because that sounds horrible. Yeah, exactly. And the interesting thing too is going back to what you said before, that the only way to become tougher is to do hard things, I think is very, very true. But I also think it's not always the way you're imagining it, you listener. Because sometimes you think, oh, that means I've got to, you know, do 50 push.

That's not a good example because in some cases, like directly related to fitness, that's true. But what it looks like is that it's often the small little hard thing that you're avoiding. It's often that little thing in the back of your mind or heart where you're like, oh, yeah, I don't know. It's the additional proactive effort we were just talking about. Yes, exactly. You don't want to do that. You're like, yeah, the productivity looks like, okay, I got to...

put a little extra effort and work in here, instead of sit plopping down and watching some episode, I'm gonna put in a little time to make this chart for my kids. Yeah, and so when we, going back to self-awareness, when we learn to pay attention to those things, because sometimes it will be a little thought or a little inclination of like, do that. And you're like, I don't want to. It's extra effort, it's extra time, it's, you know.

Rachel Denning (36:29.398)
It's gonna require something of me. And so we don't do those things. But I've learned that that's actually the very path. That's kind of the do hard things that you're talking about. So I've learned to- It's doing lots of little things that need to be done to make things better. Exactly. I love that. No, it's absolutely not. And so that's how it really begins. That's how you go from being where you are right now, going back to the Google Maps analogy, to where you wanna be. It's by-

It's by following the Google Maps instructions, which are really in your heart and mind. It's saying turn left here, turn right there. It's giving you, when you learn to be self-aware, you're getting those instructions every single day. Your heart and mind, your soul are telling you when you learn, you're making faces over there, when you learn to pay attention. Well, but not even that, because sometimes people are like, I've paid perfect attention and.

a productive thought has not crossed my head the entire day. And and we were there. I was there. I was in that spot where you would have told me, Okay, Greg, sit here and pay attention to your thoughts. And I'd pay attention all day. I'm like, Yep, I didn't think of anything was helpful. Here's what changed for me. No, I was all training. It was all training. Because everything comes down to training. You don't rise. This is archilochus. You don't rise to a level of expectations, you fall to the level of your training.

everything is training and habit, right? And Will Durant said that same thing, right? Like it's not an act, but a habit, right? So here's my point. Like I trained my brain and so have you by being voracious readers. We're constantly reading and listening to books. And so you literally reshape your brain. So now this, all the ideas we've just put into our heads over the years, they pop up. Like, so we've heard or read about

more efficient, effective ways. And so the ideas come more, what I'm saying is we've facilitated and increased our capacity and capability of having those ideas. And awareness of what's- Exactly. Yeah, what should be pursued. And I agree with that, but I also do feel like, I truly believe every person, if they did sit down with those types of thoughts-

Rachel Denning (38:47.518)
What would come to their mind would be something that doesn't seem related. It doesn't seem like it's helping you in this ultimate goal of increasing capacity, but in reality it is. And what I mean by that is it goes back to Jordan Peterson and his whole clean up your room thing. If you were to sit down right now and think, what could I do to be more capable, have more capacity, do hard things? The thought that might come to your mind would be something as simple as like, put that away, clean that up, pick that up.

And you think, oh, no, focus. I gotta get back. Throw out that junk. Right, clean out that drawer. One that just occurred to me is, for some of you it's gonna be like, you know what? You need to lose 20 pounds. Cause you're carrying around this extra weight and slowing you down. Well, but it would start with something as simple as don't eat that cookie. Throw it away. Not only don't eat, throw that crap away. Don't give it to anybody else. Get that garbage out of your house. Well, but my...

The point I want to emphasize here is that it's going to start with small things that you can do. You can get up and throw away that cookie. You can get up and clean out clean off that desk or clean up that drawer or clean out that corner or fix your hair or put on some new clothes. But don't want to. And that's where this little magic formula comes in. That's the thing we're talking about. Do hard things. The way to increase your capacity.

To be tougher is to do hard things. And the hard things are the things that you're resisting. The things you don't wanna do, but you totally can do. Right. Yeah. But that are small and simple things. Yep, exactly. Like getting dressed, making your bed, making a meal for your family, organizing your space. I can imagine you sitting there like, oh, come on, give me something useful. How will getting up and getting ready every day and not eating cookies make me have an extraordinary life?

Like that is exactly where it starts. And it stays, you start there and you stay there. But you cut out the crap, you get up, you get ready, you make your bed, you get things organized, you get rid of the clutter, you drop the extra weight. That's exactly the formula. That's the foundation of an extraordinary life. And that for us, that is how it began. The only reason we are where we are now, and we've been able to do all the extraordinary things we've been able to do, is because we built the foundation

Rachel Denning (41:08.43)
those small things. Exactly. We started small act by small act, small habit by small habit until we grow in capacity because once you learn to manage those small things, then you finally have the space in your jar to be able to handle larger things, right? You grow in your jar size so that you can hold more, you can do more because you're finally able to do what you have.

One thing I love to tell my moms in my 28 day challenge all the time is when you learn to handle what you have, then you can finally learn to do more. And I have to hit this hard because it's come up, it comes up all the time, I was leaving the question, but I don't have the support, I've not been supported. I think that's a good part in the journey because we could all be saying, well, I would do that if I had support.

It would be so much easier if my spouse would help out and my kids would help all these things and that makes a positive Difference that's not gonna deny that it's true 100% but the way the way you get support Okay Look, let me come back. It's fundamental framework that I finally realized like and as a kid man I just wanted somebody to come rescue. I literally would daydream about winning the lottery. Although I never

gamble that everybody probably would have gambled. I never bought a ticket. I never did. I'm like this. I would daydream about some wealthy person just saying, Oh, you need some money. Here. Here's a ton of money. I just wanted somebody to rescue me from my problems. And then finally, after massive amounts of resistance, I just realized and this one of the most important things ever have. Nobody's coming to rescue you. Nobody is coming.

to save you. That I think is the day I became more capable because I finally took ownership of every single aspect of my life and I realized nobody is going to come make my life better for me. Nobody's coming in to pick up my goals and dreams and hopes and build them for me as much as I hoped and prayed and fasted and pleaded that even God would come down and

Rachel Denning (43:34.554)
solve my problems or send somebody right away. No, nobody's coming to save you. Nobody's coming to rescue you. You got to self rescue. I have a Krav Maga hoodie that says, you know, the Krav Maga for the time you need to self rescue. You're like, yes, you become more capable. So then but guess what happens when you become more capable, the people around you become capable, and they become more helpful. And so by

If they're standing up and being a man, Or a woman, Or a woman, then your spouse and your kids respond. And then they start to help out, but you don't then relax like, oh, good, I don't have to be more capable. It's like, no, I'm gonna keep being more capable. And they become more capable. And increase my capacity. And you raise all of them. And the whole family becomes more capable, which then allows you to do and accomplish more because you're surrounded by capable people.

And that's 100% true for us. I mean, part of the reason we're able to do everything that we're able to do is because our children are also very capable. And so they're a huge help and support. You and I are both capable and so we support each other. But that came after we individually became strong and capable people. Not, it wasn't the other way around. We didn't wait until we supported each other to become more capable. We became more capable individually.

And then together we were able to further increase our capability. Which is like, it's the, it's the horse pulling team, right? A single horse can pull, I don't know, a few thousand pounds and two together. You might think, Oh, we really double it. No, it's like quadruples the amount they can carry. So I individually say no one's coming to rescue me, including Rachel. She's not coming to rescue me. I'm going to become more capable. She says no one's going to rescue me except Greg Will.

I'll always be there to rescue me. So she takes it easy on a lot of things and let me do the hard, dirty work. But that's my role as a husband and a father, as a man. I'm supposed to carry that load. But on the things where I can't and won't rescue you, you had to become more capable. So now the two of us together, we can accomplish unbelievable things because we both individually became more capable. Yes, but in order to not remove all hope from people listening, that...

Rachel Denning (45:56.982)
back to that I can't do it because my husband doesn't support or rescue me or help me. I already before we met became a capable woman that you were attracted to. So I was like, whoa, well, so the point is I became capable and, and competent so that you wanted to be yoked with me. If we go back to the equally yoked thing, right? Like going back to the horse pulling analogy, you're not going to put this strong force

with some little weak pony. So often what we need is to increase our strength and capability so that our spouse will want to support us because they see us as an equal partner or as someone they can be yoked with. Yes. And when you rise, the spouse is like, ooh, let's go. It's amazing. Especially, it goes both ways, but I think maybe especially when a woman starts to rise, a man feels like,

I've got to step up. I have not being a man here. So it calls them out and it's uncomfortable, but man, it's one of the most important things that can ever happen. Okay, got to roll. Got big things to go work on today. So love you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for this great question. Do everything in your power and do it consistently to increase your capacity and become more capable. Love you guys. Three, two, one.

Rachel Denning (47:26.555)
you

Rachel Denning (47:44.409)
you