Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.51)
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the extraordinary family life podcast coming to you today from the great land, the ancient land of Egypt, the desert. The hot desert of Egypt. We just came from Istanbul.

Well, and Turkey in general, we were there for almost three months and it was green and... Springtime in Turkey, it was beautiful. Flowers and trees and mountains and bushes and everything was so...

It was amazing. And we thought it was hot when it got up to 79. And yesterday it was 97. We fly in here and I'm like, okay, there's not anything green or alive in that desert. It is barren. But it's beautiful. I love the desert. And so we're here having a great experience in this. And what a change in culture and language and food.

Driving, oh my goodness, we rented cars for the entire time we were in Turkey. We both drove, it was great. And we both drove, it was great. Driving there is just fantastic. Roads are good, people are very considerate and thoughtful. It is one.

chaotic, crazy driving experience in Cairo. This is up there. It's either number one or number two of the craziest places I've driven. It's something else, man. It is all systems on when I get behind the wheel in this country. There's no distractions. Yesterday we were trying to drive to the mall to go get groceries because the grocery store is there. And I was texting, but I was supposed to be navigating. And Greg's like, stop texting. Put down your phone.

Rachel Denning (01:59.439)
You're supposed to be navigating right now. Because I can't even look at maps. Like if you glance for a second at your maps or your navigation system in Cairo, you're going to run over. Because there's literally people crossing the freeway. It's insane. And not like, oh, there's a gap. They go. They just weave in between the cars that are cruising down the freeway. It is madness. Oh my goodness. It's crazy. So you can't look down for a second. So I'm...

Like, Rachel, stop, get off your phone while I'm driving. No texting while I'm driving. It's insane. But part of the adventure. OK, so today we're going to answer a really great question. We're so, so, so grateful for your honest questions. I realize that sometimes it can be quite, maybe feel awkward or embarrassing or difficult to share a comment or ask a question.

And so we are so, so grateful you do. Even feel grateful to the people who, like on our posts on Instagram or Facebook, they'll disagree or they'll voice their doubts or concerns like, ah, it's not possible, right? We've shared a lot of posts about marriage and about the ideals for an extraordinary marriage. And I'm grateful that a lot of people...

share their ideas or their fears or their doubts or their concerns, we pretty commonly get someone, oh, that's not possible. Oh, you can't do that. No, no way. I don't know anyone. And this was a sad one. Somebody said, they said, I literally don't know anyone who has an extraordinary marriage.

Or even a good marriage. Or even a good marriage. Most of the ones I know, they're just existing. They're just getting by. And we're just grateful not to be fighting. And I've settled in, and I'm OK with just getting along with my roommate, referring to her spouse, right? And I'm glad they say those things. And I'm glad they disagree. And I'm glad they express what they're really thinking and feeling, because that gives us a chance to respond to them and help them think through that. But if we don't know what you're thinking,

Rachel Denning (04:08.333)
we can't respond so i'm grateful for those things and you know i i think we want to make aware that yeah we realize not everyone has

good or great marriages. We get that. That's why we do these things. We're not posting thinking everybody's got great marriages like us. We know that that's not a reality. We also realize that part of the reason people don't have better relationships in their life is because they haven't been exposed to great relationships and what they look like and how they operate and what it...

what it looks like, feels like, sounds like. So we realize that's part of the problem actually, is that if you've lived your whole life and never been exposed to great relationships, well yeah, you don't even know that it is possible because you've never seen it. So yes, that is why we throw out these ideals.

because we're trying to say, hey, here is what is possible because we've gone searching for it in many ways we've been able to create it. And we're not talking about perfection. Obviously, perfection is not possible. We haven't created perfection, but we've created something that's pretty great, pretty extraordinary compared to, again, a lot of relationships. We're throwing these things out to say, here is what is possible. That doesn't mean some of the disagreements we get are, that's unrealistic. Well, OK, yeah.

In some ways it is unrealistic, but that's the point. That's what makes it extraordinary because you have to go beyond realistic to get something that's actually extraordinary. Like our family life. Here we are in Egypt. We just spent three months in Turkey. Our family life is not quote unquote realistic.

Rachel Denning (05:53.517)
It's not realistic to do that with a large family of seven people or seven children. Well, we're traveling with seven people, five of our children. You know, none of that's realistic and yet that doesn't mean it's not possible. So that's what we're saying. We're throwing out the ideals. We're saying here's what's possible. Here's what we are doing. We're not talking about it in theory or rhetoric.

Yes, you may not be there, but you can start wherever you are and move towards more of your ideal. Exactly. Because just because it's not realistic doesn't mean it's impossible. So the things we're putting out there are specific examples of exposure. We're trying to expose people to what is possible. And yes, in that exposure, it's often going to seem just like it was for us.

in so many ways, it's going to seem very unrealistic. And I know it's going to feel impossible. Yeah, well, that's right. I was going to go right there because this word and feeling of impossibility is going to pop up. In fact, I just got this a moment ago. I got a message and was like, this is just an impossible situation. This is from one of my coaching clients. And I responded back immediately saying, oh, no, sir.

It is not impossible. It's difficult, it's tough, it's not impossible. Do not allow yourself to use that word and please be more responsible with your language.

Is it an important principle there? But I realized what's happening because I remember feeling this like that is impossible. How in the world? There's no way I can't do that. And it pops up with, there's no way I can afford that. There's no way I can afford that. That's impossible. I can't afford that. I remember thinking that when I had a real scarcity mentality. Or, you know, I had, you know, everyone else you know, I grew up in that. I saw the mess. Most people did. And most of the people you know don't have the extraordinary lives. They're not pursuing their dreams.

Rachel Denning (07:54.159)
By the way, our traveling, that's just our family dream. You don't have to go travel the world you don't have to do it. What we're doing is setting an example that you can pursue your unique family dream like we're pursuing ours. And yes, it's unrealistic. That's the point. Pursue unrealistic. If it was realistic, everyone would be doing it and then it would be extraordinary. Well, and you know, if we had even told ourselves back when we were newly married that we'd one day be living

the life we're living now, we would have literally thought at that point that it was impossible. And we would have laughed you to scorn. Oh I know. What a crazy. Our big dream then when we were newlyweds was you were gonna retire early at like 63. Yep I remember that. So we could go live in another country. If we save and scrimp and do everything we'll retire two years early and then go travel.

That was our dream, that was our thinking. That is where we were. And so it was literally... And you guys, I was getting up at 3 .30 a .m. to go milk cows for your second job as a second job so we could just eat and pay the bills. To live in our 100 year old house in a small farming town. It was just tiny, falling apart dilapidated old...

building. I mean, so and again, I've come from living on my own and not having a place to stay, not having enough food, living out of your truck. I've experienced hunger. So I've been there. So it would have been impossible for us to even imagine this life that we're living now. And yet here we are living it. So it wasn't impossible. It was unrealistic. It was a lot of hard work.

But impossible was not what it actually was. Even though it definitely felt and seemed like that. I know you guys have heard me say this, I want to share it again. I always talk about setting dumb goals. Like they're smart goals, but I talk about dumb goals. And they're demanding. And that's the reality. They're purposely demanding. They're going to require more of you. They are unrealistic. So this is the acronym for dumb. So demanding, unrealistic. They're purposely unrealistic. They're meaningful. And they're bold.

Rachel Denning (10:09.837)
And that's what we're going for. So when we talk about this and specifically talk about the kind of marriage we're talking about answering this question today and creating this extraordinary family life, it's going to be demanding, unrealistic, meaningful and bold. And it's going to be awesome. And the families and the couples that are doing this, we get messages almost daily of massive transformations that are happening in families and marriages. And it is awesome. So this isn't just us. We're not just some fluke. We're not just lucky. There's principles.

and practices, their strategies, their systems, and the people who do this stuff get the results. Right. And so connected to the question that we received, which I'm going to read, you have a post on your Instagram channel, greg .denning.

talking about hey to have an extraordinary marriage do these things and one of them is to go on two dates a week and to have I think you have like six different getaways a year which include weekend trips, a couples trip that's like a honeymoon trip, you know.

It has these different trips and of course some people just throw that out there as that's just unrealistic. How can you do that? How can you do that especially when you have small children? And back to this point we're trying to make like yeah okay you're right it is unrealistic to try to do those when you have small children especially but that's the point. If you want something better than you've got you have to make more sacrifices.

which means you have to get creative about finding ways to do these things, even in a small way. We're not saying you have to go all out and spend a million dollars or anything close to that. You can make it cheap. You can go camping. You can do a lot of different things that are free or cheap or less expensive that take less time. Or your date could literally be a walk around the neighborhood holding hands to...

Rachel Denning (12:03.501)
totally focused and present with each other. Right. Or while the baby's sleeping, you're in the other room together, you know, like you can get creative about doing it. It doesn't have to be...

Impossible. You don't just have to throw it completely out and say, oh, that's not realistic. I'm not doing that at all. You start where you are and you figure out ways to do what you can do with what you have and then how to grow those resources to be able to do even more. Exactly. But what most of us do, and this is what I used to do as well, is you hear something that's an ideal and it seems so far away and so out of reach that...

The temptation is just to dismiss it. Like, oh, that's insane. And then you just dismiss it and you're gone. And so you don't give it any mental resources. You don't even stop to ask, hmm, I wonder how could I pull that off? What could I do? Is there any opening for me to make that happen, to make that a reality? Or to get closer to it. Yeah. OK. How about I move halfway to that? Or a quarter of a way. Could I move? But instead, it's just like, oh, it's so far away. That's crazy.

you dismiss it and you move on and you keep giving all your mental effort and energy and your resources to your current reality. And to why it's not possible. Yeah, exactly. You come up with all these reasons why you can't do it instead of flipping the switch and coming up with all these ways you can. You keep feeding the problem instead of creating solutions. Exactly. And so we do that. We all do this. So everything we're talking about today, but...

specifically, but in life in general, don't just dismiss it. Don't just write it off. Don't throw it out, oh, that's impossible. Start working on it. Like, man, how can I make this a reality?

Rachel Denning (13:56.013)
Okay, so that that ties in exactly with what we're going to talk about today answering a question that we received which is a great question a very important question Very specific and very specific. So i'm just going to read it here. I just listened to one of your trainings And you guys mentioned having sex four to seven times a week. I prefer seven but fours Well, and my first thing was like what did we really say seven? Like I don't know that it's actually every day seven

and that's a lot, but I would say four to six, maybe three to six sometimes, depending on the travel schedule especially. If there's a podcast or a training on this summer, please direct me to it. Here it is, we're doing it. I'm a morning person and my husband is a night owl. I wake up at four and I go to bed at nine. He wakes up at eight and goes to bed at midnight. I have six kids and homeschool.

and do my business on the side. So far, not too many, too many differences from us. You are more of a morning person, I'm more of a night owl person, we have seven kids that we homeschool, we are both working on businesses full time. How do you create time to do it that many times a week? I feel like it takes too much time.

I'm working on upgrading my thinking, my thoughts about this time with him, but this is where I'm at right now. And I don't know where to add it into my schedule. And honestly, I'm in pain after we have sex all day long. How do you do it so much and how do you make it a part of your schedule and life? Bam.

Such a good question. So first of all, I want to praise Kudos honor to all kinds of awareness there. Well for tackling a business and raising children and homeschooling children and getting up early and getting after a schedule and you can tell you you have a desire to organize your life and be orderly and have systems that get things done and that you're asking like instead of okay this for example,

Rachel Denning (16:01.807)
So instead of just blowing that off like, that's crazy, that's impossible and writing it off, you're like, man, how do you do that? And this is perfect. You're asking, you're in the right spot. You care. Is this possible? Yeah. You're really curious. So yeah, this is all of the right state of mind to be in. It's perfect. And so now this is a matter of strategy. Well, and so the first thing that comes to mind, especially as you're talking about, yeah, she's doing all of these things.

which is also the type of person I am. Like you're active, you're ambitious, you are doing and taking on all these things. And for me, what I was able to switch that really helped improve our sexual relationship, because again, it wasn't always as great as it is, we went through challenges, especially when you're having the babies, especially when you're pregnant or nursing and you're sleep deprived, all of these things, obviously that's not a great...

lead into sexuality, you know? And so what switched it for me was when I studied it and I was able to fully understand how important it was and how critical it was for our marriage relationship and for your emotional...

Well -being. Yeah, I was trying to maybe see if there was another word. Physical, maybe. I think even physical well -being. Mental well -being. Like the, it is interesting, just the powerful.

Hence, mental -emotional.

Rachel Denning (17:38.861)
Results that I have from making love to you, right? Like it is all consuming beforehand and then during and afterwards I know I've heard and I've showed this before I've heard men dog when it's like man You feel like I can you can take on the whole world. I can fight dragons. I can conquer I can do anything You know as long as things are good with my wife and we're making love and it's just great like let's go But if it's off

And I don't know why this is. I don't know where that connection is. But if it's off, everything else feels off. Everything else feels worse. And it's just a really interesting phenomenon for many men, if not most. And I remember the time when I didn't...

understand it the same way I do now, but I kind of understood it in a way, but in a way that it felt needy to me or it felt like this requirement that I had to fulfill, like I had to fulfill that for you and it was annoying or a bother in a way, a burden, exactly. And so... And to that point, you are.

You literally are the only person on this planet who can fulfill this desire and need. Exactly. For me. What are the alternatives?

Masturbation is not, pornography is not, adultery is not. Well, that is a solution for many people, which then leads to further problems in their marriage. But yeah, if you're trying to create this extraordinary marriage, that's not an option. But so what happened, what switched that for me, where I finally no longer saw it as a burden, but I saw it as an opportunity, a privilege or responsibility, just like the privilege and responsibilities you have, it's this mutual shared two -way street where we're both giving and we're both receiving.

Rachel Denning (19:43.341)
And for me that was the connection I have to my, I would say need, emotionally, physically.

mentally to connect and talk with you, you know intellectually to cry on your shoulder to You know share my burdens with you like I literally have that need I have to talk to you. I have to Get things off my chest. I have to share with you. You've got to unload what's What's on your mind exactly in your heart and I know that for many men That feels like a burden to have to

and talk to your, to listen to your wife talk for an unforeseen amount of time, it feels like... Torture. Torture, exactly, yes. And what makes it, what makes it really interesting, and I think these are great parallels, is because I don't have that same need. I don't... Right. I love talking to you. Right. I absolutely love it.

But I don't have this need to like, get it all out, ugly cry, and do all the stuff. And you don't have the same just strong sexual drive and needs that I have. And so what we're doing is we're both trying to understand the needs of the other without experiencing it ourselves. And so it's a really important perceptual interchange there of like, oh, wait a minute.

I've got to take care of this. This is my responsibility. Do I just look forward to like, oh, I can't wait until she comes in and just cries and complains and tells me all this? Just does the feminine unloading. But I do it joyfully.

Rachel Denning (21:23.566)
Right, well, and that's, and I think that this is important here because like you said, it's a mutual exchange and you can learn, both of us, I think had to learn to make it a joyful thing that the other wanted to do for the other person, right? You have learned to enjoy and appreciate my need to talk to you.

And I have learned to enjoy and appreciate your need for physical sex and intimacy. And together that has made us both better. Like when we've finally understood that and then we're able to work together with each other's needs. Well, that's what keeps us connected, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Like it's this whole connection instead of just...

And I think this is where a lot of couples are going wrong. They just, they're disconnecting it. They're not seeing sexual, they're not seeing intimacy. And I would say sexual intimacy as this full circle of connection. They don't see the woman's need to talk and connect as important as or equal to the man's need for sex. And so when I finally understood, this is what really switched it for me. Cause I thought, what if,

I'd had a hard day. I was stressed. I was tired. I just had all these things I was worrying about in my mind. I'm worried about the kids. I'm worried about World War III. I'm worried about, you know, like add to the list of all the things I'm worried about. And I just needed to talk. I just needed to vent. I just needed to get some things out. And I come to Greg and he says, you know what, hon? I just have a busy schedule. I've been doing all these things all day long.

I have a headache, I just don't want to talk tonight. I would feel so rejected, I would feel so hurt, I would feel so, and I know that this is happening with people, so I get it. I understand that this is a reality. But if you do that to me, if you did that to me, that's about how you feel when I say no to you for sex. Because not only is it,

Rachel Denning (23:33.837)
It's not like you're just coming to me because you need to fulfill some sexual urge. It's an emotional, vulnerable thing for you to be able to initiate sex. Because if I reject you, that hurts. And so you're being open and vulnerable in that moment when you try to put the moves on me or when you try to, you know, hint or advance, you know, our sex in any way.

and turning you down is a rejection. And so when I was able to look at it the other way and think, yeah, if I came to him and just felt this need to connect with him in this way, and he was just like, I'm too busy, I'm too tired, I got a headache.

tomorrow or whatever. I listen to people all day today, babe. I don't have it in me to listen to you too. Right. Which is the same thing moms say. I am touched out. I've been touched all day by kids. I just can't stand for you to touch me right now. I mean, that right there is painful. It hurts. And so and then make it even worse. Imagine if we went a week like that or two weeks or a month or in I mean, worst case scenarios, we've heard of

marriages where they've gone five or ten years without sex. That's like five or ten years without talking. A marriage can't survive on that. It literally cannot. There is one thing that you share even more than the time. See, this is why it's even more important because a woman can ultimately go talk to someone else. She can go vent to her mother or call her sister or call her girlfriends or whatever and then bash on her husband if she wants.

But that's a form of release. It's a form of connection. It's actually a form of intimacy. So it fulfills that need in a way. It does not bond her to her husband more, which is ultimately the point and purpose of this. And the tragedy in that moment. Right. But it is another option. But if a man goes somewhere else to fulfill his sexual needs, well, then obviously that's a major problem. Right. If he turns to porn or masturbation or adultery.

Rachel Denning (25:40.461)
That's a big problem. And so he has no other release and yet he's just supposed to put up with it. And he's just supposed to. He's expected to just be faithful. Just to be a good guy. True. And endure it and have self -discipline. But this is a great point. What if you were expected, no, no, no, either you talk to me or you don't talk. Exactly. Don't go talking to other people.

You just deal with it. Why don't you have more self -discipline? Why don't you have more control? Why don't you... This is just between us. Why don't you keep it? Well, and this is one of the things that kills me because we've seen it and we've seen it a lot, especially in very religious people and relationships, that the women tend to think that, well, you know, this sexual drive, it's not very holy anyways. It's more...

you know, the natural man, it's more of the fallen world. And so you need to be a good guy and you need to listen to me and you need to be a good husband and you need to fulfill all of my needs, but your need there? You need to control it. You just need to control it. Like you have that need just so you can control it, so you can become more spiritual by not indulging it. That's not true. That's a lie.

And if we expect that our husbands are supposed to fulfill all of our needs, fulfill all of our needs, and we don't have to fulfill or understand theirs, that's a very selfish, self -righteous viewpoint that you need to change. Seriously. Because it's not his job and nor does he necessarily enjoy doing it. He doesn't want to hear you bitch and complain all the time about all of your problems and get nothing out of it.

And that's not to say that, you know, it's meant to be only for that purpose. Like, I'll, you know, I'll listen to you if I get sex. That's not the point. Yeah. It's not, it's not a straight exchange. It's not, I'm not holding out this string of like, I'll listen to you if it's not. Afterwards we get sex. I am wholeheartedly committed to helping you with your desires and needs. Right. Period.

Rachel Denning (27:53.453)
Full stop exactly you are fully committed to helping me with my desires and needs full stop, right? We're not we don't carry around the scale Last time we talked and now it's time for sex. You talked for two hours the other day. So You know, let's get out the stopwatch. Exactly. No, it's not like that. It's you're giving your full self and you're you're Being there for the person

without, you know, expectations. But because of that, because you do do that, there is something you receive. And that's normal and natural. Because as human beings, we don't just go around.

giving of ourselves fully without expectation or some sort of reward and people might say well no that's not true you know that's being selfless well no the reality is that's not actually how it works because even if you're trying to be a selfless person the reason you are is because you get a sense of significance by being a selfless person so when it comes down to the psychology of it there is always some sort of reward if you can use a different word if it works better for you that you receive

Otherwise you wouldn't keep doing that thing. That's just how psychology works. If you have a negative consequence for that thing, you stop doing it because it's no longer desirable or pleasurable. But conversely, if you get a positive reward or, you know, this...

benefits or rewards or just good things come your way, you naturally want to reciprocate. You want to share. You want to help. Like if I just, with no strings attached, I just listen.

Rachel Denning (29:39.853)
and I help out, I help Rachel close her tabs, so to speak, and I'm just cognizant and aware, and I help her, she's... I'm automatically, naturally more appreciative, more open, more...

Even attracted. Attract, I'm more attracted. I feel more attractive because I feel more cherished. I feel more, I want to use the word open again, but open in a sexual way. I feel more receptive because I feel noticed, appreciated, cherished, and attractive and attracted to you when you...

pay attention and you do these little things and you notice and you know how to respond to my being out of sorts. If I'm off in some way, you know what, you've learned what to do and it works. And then I'm like, oh, you're the best husband, I love you so much, you know exactly what to say, exactly what to do. It's not manipulative in any way, it's just we've learned how to work together and it continues to close that circle, so to say.

My needs are fulfilled, which make me want to fulfill your needs, which makes you want to fulfill my needs more. And the circle just remains closed and connected instead of open and broken because, well, you never talked to me, so I don't want to have sex with you. And you never have sex with me, so I never want to talk to you. You know, why should I? And then it becomes a bath. And I think seeing a spiral, it can spiral down in separation away from each other, or it can spiral up.

And so maybe it's in a shape of a pyramid. The spiral goes out farther and farther and farther and stretches out. But as it spirals up, you get into the oneness and the closeness of proximity. And from my side, if you say yes often or even initiate sex, or the man's dream is he gets up and starts his morning and gets a text that says, come back to bed. He's like, ooh. I mean, whatever. Little things are like, hey, come home for lunch.

Rachel Denning (31:46.285)
can't wait.

for you to get here, I just bought something for you, whatever, I mean, just whatever, or a little, you're away on a trip, or you're working or something, you get a little bit of sexting from, like, holy guacamole, those kind of things, again, create this desire, like, oh my gosh, I wanna do all kinds of things for her, like, this is amazing. And so she does it without strings attached, but naturally, I'm like, oh, I wanna do more for her. So it creates a beautiful relationship. And this is one of the other challenges I see women getting into, and this,

idea or this mindset that this type of thing is annoying to them or bothersome. It's like they even on one of your the comments on your Instagram post someone was like yeah one of the things extraordinary husbands should do is to stop making sexual comments every single day you know and you know I get it there can be a place where that's crass or annoying or whatever but honestly if

At this point, if you go a day without making some sort of sexual comment or hint or innuendo, I'm kind of like, what's wrong? What's going on? Is it my outfit? Do I not look cute today? Did I do something? You know, like, what's up? What do I do? But what's the alternative here, ladies? Would you rather be ignored? Yeah.

despised he's uninterested would you rather have him be uninterested or unattracted and and and women think well I just want him to love me but without the sex well no it doesn't work that way I am sorry it doesn't work that way if you want to be married to a man the sex comes with it so you either learn to embrace it and enjoy it and work with it or you literally get a roommate who

Rachel Denning (33:37.613)
He's going to disconnect from you. That's what he has to do. In order to turn off that sexual drive and that sexual interest in you, he basically has to disconnect himself from you because the more loving feelings he has about you and for you, the more sexual interest he's going to have in you. So if you want him to be interested in you, it's going to come with a sexual interest. That's it. There's no getting around it.

So, spot on. Let's work with it. Let's embrace it. Let's see how, let's see what a beautiful thing it is. Cause it really is. You know, I've, I've over the years learned especially that I, I am so grateful for this sexual interest you have automatically, naturally, daily, weekly, because it keeps us connected. And it draws me to you. And it draws you to me. And without that,

draw, it's so easy for us to each get lost in our own projects, in our own activities, in our own lives. We don't really have to talk to each other. We don't really have to connect with each other because, you know, I've got my thing and you've got your thing and we can live our own little lives and no big deal. And that's what happens to a lot of people, especially when...

Over time, the man learns what's the point of trying to initiate sex with her because it's never going to go anywhere. And so he just loses himself in work or other things. He has to. He has to. He has a survival mechanism. He's just going to dive deep into work or projects or hobbies or sports, anything to try to distract him from this desire and drive that just gets shut down. What's the point? Right. What's the point? So that being said, that's the whole... Let's hit one more element. Before we dive into the specific strategies, I just...

sitting here thinking, if you deliberately, and this is a choice, love is a choice, if you deliberately choose... And sex is an act of love. Yes. That you can choose to engage in. Yeah. If you choose to just turn up the love dial, if you decide...

Rachel Denning (35:45.709)
and deliberately work on your thoughts and feelings and actions to love more, to be more in love.

What will happen naturally is you'll want these things to happen. You'll want to have sex more often. You'll want to go on dates more often. You'll want to do the overnighters. You'll actually just naturally like, gosh, I am so in love. I am so in love. You'll naturally, you know this because when you were dating or engaged or recently married, like you couldn't think about anything else. Like you, you would take care of what you would do is like just to get it out of the way so you can spend all this time thinking and

strategizing like how can we be together? How can we get how can we make this happen? How could I do this and do that like it consumes you and You put again all your mental resources and effort into to trying to do all these good things So I just want to throw it out right now before you dive in is like if you increase your love and your desire You'll find more ways to make this happen. It'll be a driving force and a motivator. So you won't you won't have to say

fit us in, you'll be like, I'm going to make space for this and I'll fit it in here and I'll fit it in over here. Oh, I'll move this around. Like you'll you'll move heaven and earth to to make your dates or your trips or sex happen because you want it and it'll be driven by just being passionately in love and attracted again. Yes. And so.

to get to the specifics of how to do that because I know there's going to be women like really? Will I ever get there? Will that ever be what I want? And for me, I had to start out with back to this, you know, the idea of you're ambitious, you have all these things going, you have all the schedule that's full. I realized, because this is when you have to start walking through and being strategic because I first...

Rachel Denning (37:53.325)
I had to study about it and learn about it and understand why it was important, why it mattered, and why I needed to care. And once I had that, then I had to actually take steps to move myself along there of like, okay, how do I get to this point where it is something I want? It is something I want to do. It is something that I want to be open to with my husband. And for me,

one of the first things was like putting it on the calendar. I literally had to do that because I recognized for my own brain, here's the challenge for women, at least, you know, obviously not all women are the same, but in my brain, one of the reasons I didn't have interest in sex, let's say, is not necessarily because of sex itself. It's not that I didn't enjoy it when it was happening. That's a different issue if you're not enjoying it when it's happening. That's something else we can touch on.

But it was the fact that, well, kind of like she mentioned here, it took so much time. And the biggest problem was I didn't have that time allotted on my calendar or in my brain. So I already had... Sex was an interruption. Exactly. I already had this plan in my day of like, I'm doing this and I'm doing this, I'm doing this. And I had this to -do list that was way too big to get done during the day. And so if I had to make time for sex that wasn't planned for...

that was just gonna throw everything off and now I'm behind. So it was this major mental obstacle to having sex because it wasn't in my brain and it wasn't on the calendar. And to be transparent and hopefully this is insightful for some of you.

when as we were working through that years ago, it felt painful to me. I'm like, where do I fit in your schedule? And you're like, I have all this stuff to do. I'm like, yeah, what about me? Well, I got to take care of some and like, and like, I'm making space for you. Even if it's spontaneous, like a man will be like, Oh, I'll drop whatever. I guess not all minutes. I'm very, very scheduled. But if you live by the schedule and you have this list, this to do list, and that's how you operate is your spouse.

Rachel Denning (40:02.221)
on there as a priority. And it hurt. And I know other men have said that too. It's like there's no space. And that's one of the challenges of being, well, just being moms in general, because now you have all these kids that demand help from you and require it.

And you have all these responsibilities. Then if you want to be a high achiever, if you want to be ambitious, if you want to get more stuff done, you want to homeschool and run a business and do all this stuff, that's even adding to it more. But I promise this goes both ways. If you're a busy body, you're a high achiever and you do not deliberately carve out space for your spouse, they will feel starved or neglected or.

Like you don't care. Unappreciated. Unappreciated. And they won't feel cherished. They won't feel like, gosh, I'm clearly not a priority. I don't even make it on your calendar. Exactly. But then what happened is she was like, well, let me schedule it. I'll actually put it on the calendar. And at first, she said, I was like, that is so stupid. That's how little I matter to you that you really have to pencil me in. Like.

Where's just this spontaneous love and passion and romance that were just like, oh, you walk past in the hallway or let's just go to the bedroom. Like it felt so cheapened.

It felt frustrating, but again, I was missing it. I wasn't understanding how her mind operates. She's like, well, I get into go mode, like getting things done, and it's just like all the way to the end. And like, so putting it on the calendar actually ensured that it happened. And eventually I was like, well, fine. I'm willing to have sex at night on the calendar than no sex. It's way better. It's all acquiesce. And I was like, okay.

Rachel Denning (41:46.573)
It's still good sex, so can we put it on the calendar more? This calendar thing's working, but that was a progressive step in my direction. Right, exactly. And so that's why it's so key for us to be able to understand this viewpoint of each other, of each other's brains and bodies and everything. Because from my point of view, it's easy for you to walk past me in the hallway or see me and then, like, OK, I'm in the mood. Let's.

let's make time for it. Where for me... Rachel just walks in the hall, picks up something, a kid left on the floor and I'm like, whoa, baby, is there anything else I can throw on the ground so you can pick that up? But for me, I am more in my head. And so for in order for me to get into my body, I have to have that clear schedule, so to speak. And so putting it on the calendar for me gave me that time to be like, oh, OK.

I know I don't have anything else to do right then, because I made time. That means I'm free to focus on.

us. Well and they gave you time to prepare mentally for that. Exactly. So mentally I'm preparing like okay this is what we're going to be doing and I'm starting to think different thoughts I'm trying to you know get in the mood I'm I'm preparing mentally which is a key for women I think especially they have to prepare mentally to get into that space so they can actually get into their bodies so that they can.

get in the mood, right? So gentlemen, just to really clarify, that's how you can really help a lot to help her close all the open tabs she has, her big tasks, her list. That's how eventually I made the connection. I was like, what on earth do the dishes have to do with you and I having sex? And it's just because she's got all this stuff in her mind and for her to - All these tabs, they're open things I have to do. To get out of her head and into her body and open to all of that.

Rachel Denning (43:42.925)
Like she's got to have at least some kind of solution. Like, okay, that'll be taken care of. I don't have to worry about that. I don't have to think about it anymore. So that's a way you can help to lead to that. Now, of course, if you do that with the expectation of like, hey, babe, I'm gonna do the dishes. So, you know, yeah, that's tricky. It doesn't. And it takes some practice to get there because we were at the point now where we could do that. Right. I could be like, you know, you might say something or do something and then, you know, I want to go in the bedroom and like.

Well, yeah, if you wash the dishes and do this and I'll do this because I gotta close these tabs, you know exactly what I'm talking about and we get there and then we can do that. And a lot of good men will do that. They're like, oh man, I'm gonna close all these tabs. They do all this stuff and the wife's like, oh, thank you, that's the best. Oh my gosh, that's so sexy when you help out. And then nothing. Yeah. And they're like, okay, it was a bad day. And then they keep doing it and nothing. And he's like, what the heck? I'm like, I'm giving, I'm helping. I know you have time to do, I do too. It's not like I'm just sitting around being idle. Like I'm not here to...

loitering and I got stuff and things but I want to be interested in you and close to you and and so yeah there aren't strings attached but it's also not but in some ways there are strings attached you're married yeah you are married so yes there are strings attached that came with certain obligations duties responsibilities opportunities there are strings attached and if you think it's just gonna go one way sister you're you're mistaken here it's a two -way street.

Rachel Denning (45:14.573)
There was something else I was going to say too. Hopefully it will come to me in a minute. Should we dive into some strategies? Yes. So I think first of all,

Just get creative when I hear people say that can't do that's impossible. I don't know and and we've been there We've walked through that we've gotten down that path so many times like well, okay We have seven kids like multiple businesses you guys and we travel so Whenever we get to a new hotel or a new Airbnb or whatever We have to figure out new systems that work with a new place like if it's completely dependent on your room being in a specific place a specific way with With this and that and the other and you have all these rooms

Man, we would never ever had sex because like our life is changing all the time. We're in different locations all the time. I mean we got stuff going on. So if we can pull this off anyone can do it. So just get more creative. Get innovative. Look for solutions. If your schedules conflict a little bit like where do they cross? So I mean I could start right there. If you get up at four and you get going he doesn't get up till eight. Well, wake him up at eight.

I guarantee.

And in fact, they did this study. They asked lots and lots and lots of men when they preferred time of day for sex. And it was over 70 % of men said morning sex would be what they preferred. He would not complain to being woken up to sex. Say, hey, it's 7 .30. Let's go. And you've already done your morning routine or whatever. You've got kids going. You're feeling great. That's just one solution. Another one would be, OK, if you go to bed at 9, make sure he knows that 8 .30 is go time.

Rachel Denning (46:58.319)
Another solution would be maybe two to three times a week you shift your schedule an hour and you go to bed at 10 and get up at 5. I mean would it be worth it for to really increase the magic in your marriage? Heck yeah! Or you have him do the same like hey babe we're gonna go to bed you're gonna go to bed an hour earlier or two hours earlier or whatever like just carve out time.

In fact, just tell them, babe, I will leave space for you as many nights as possible at eight or 8 .30. Just whatever. I mean, you start figuring things out. And then my all -time favorite is just during the day. Breakfast, after breakfast, lunches. How many times can you find time during the day? Well, and so I did remember the other thing I want to say, so help me remember. It has to do with simmering. OK. But.

What I want to interject here is, oh crap, I lost that one, dang it. Okay, go to simmering. Okay, I'll talk about the simmering and then we'll go back. My gosh, I've got so many thoughts flying in my brain about this. We need to keep a notebook. Okay, I'm going to talk about the simmering and then hopefully the other one will now come back. So one of the reason women don't...

like to have their husbands make advances or say things. I think one of the reasons women, it bothers women, is because they assume it's going to lead to sex.

Oh, if he touches me or if he kisses me or if he cuddles me or if he holds me, it's going to lead to sex. And it's like they have this fear that it's going to lead to sex, you know? And in fairness, the man's hoping that every time will. Right. In fairness, I get that. But it also doesn't mean that it has to lead to sex every single time. And that was another mind switch I had to make, was because I used to think, oh, I don't want him to come up and cuddle and do that because I don't have time for sex right now.

Rachel Denning (49:01.005)
I don't have time for sex in the next 15 or 20 minutes, right? But it doesn't have to work like that. You can do this thing which I now think of as, I call simmering, where it's okay to flirt a little and be a little touchy and be, you know, have a little bit of that emotion or feeling, that sexual feeling come up. That's okay. And then let it simmer. And later when you have time,

then you can have sex and especially if you do do that then you and the mind of a woman thinks oh we're gonna have sex later maybe tonight maybe tomorrow you know you're preparing mentally you're again doing that mental preparation of like this is going to come up okay like I'm going to prepare for that and so then it can help you to get in the mood now the problem that I used to do and I think women do is

Instead of allowing that simmering to occur and then think okay, we'll have sex later and you prepare for it mentally

They get stressed and worried about it and think, oh, he wants to have sex. What can I do to avoid it? And so they put all of this, and I used to do this, all of this energy and attention and stress and worry into how do I avoid sex? We won't go to bed at the same time. I'll get caught up in something else, so I'm busy, you know, and he'll think, oh, she's busy, so he won't try to put the moves on me.

It's such a waste. It literally is a waste because when you're saying, oh, it takes too much time, that takes too much time. Trying to avoid sex, I guarantee because I did it, takes more time.

Rachel Denning (50:37.581)
than actually just having sex. In fact, let me add to this because I hear this quite often, that it'll finally come to the surface and she's like, oh, you just can't have sex as much as you want because it takes so much time. And so this is a perfect example, like 90 minutes just talking, just going on and on, telling why it's so fresh because I just take so much time. And he was like, are you kidding me? Like.

We could have had sex three times by now. Exactly. And as long as it takes you to tell me how you don't have time for sex, we easily could have had sex multiple times. And why don't we just break that up across three days? So instead of 90 minutes you spent just telling me that you don't have time, we could have had sex three times this week. Right. So at some point, just go have sex. Exactly. Because what happens, and here's what I figured out. At one point, I made this commitment that I was not going to say no.

And of course, in my mind at the time, I thought, well, how could I do that? That just seems so wrong or like I don't have boundaries or like I'm not important too. Well, no, that's not what it means. And that's not what it's about. It's about recognizing the importance of this part of your relationship and committing to it. And so when you recognize that your husband's being open and vulnerable and is willing to...

reach out to you in an effort to connect, don't say no to that. He is trying to connect with you. Be open to that. Say yes to connection. You are saying yes to connection when you say yes to sex. So instead of taking all this time and energy to try to avoid it, if you just say yes and do it, it's faster. It's better.

You connect, you make your relationship better. Now I know that there's going to be objections to that because there are objections to that. But guess what I've learned? If there are objections to you getting into bed with your spouse, those are all opportunities and signs of things you need to work through.

Rachel Denning (52:50.925)
so that you can get to the point where you want to have sex with him. So sometimes, and this is where couples need to understand, sometimes when the woman is spending 90 minutes venting about why they don't have time for sex, there's a lot of other things there that need to be addressed and resolved and talked through and worked through. And it's tough because he's thinking, this doesn't make sense, we should have just had sex. And she's saying, but this is the point of why I don't want to have sex with you because that's all you want and you never want to listen to me.

you know, and on and on it goes, if you can learn to actually work through that and get to the real core of the issue of why that's a problem, why you don't want to have sex and voice that, vocalize it, then that helps you to connect and then you are more open to happening. So, you know,

When I've worked with my clients, anytime I'm trying to help them with the marriage, one of the things I talk about is, we need to have more sex. But when they're like, well, I can't because of this, or I can't because of that, or I can't because of this, I'm like, okay, then that's the opportunity. That's where we get to work so we can get past that to getting closer to sex. Or then we get past that to the next thing that's blocking you. And you work through those things step by step, and then that's how you actually get to...

where you want and need to be. Yes, huge. So it's very revelatory in what comes up. And having sex more often, it's like, hey, go on dates more often, talk more often, have sex more often. It's just one of those things that helps things go better. Right? Right. It's like a little bookend. The effort should be into helping things go better. So almost always, more sucks, helps things go better. And it actually solves other problems. If you say yes more often, and it doesn't have to be big and extensive, it doesn't have these big elaborate

experience every time. It could even be just a quickie. Well, which I want to give a few tools for that. Yeah, we'll get there. But if you just start doing it more often, it helps things go better. And so other issues that were irritating you just go away. They get resolved. Or if you're like, yeah, I would say yes, but he doesn't do x, y, z.

Rachel Denning (55:03.949)
It might be connected. It might not. It might just be a separate issue. Like, hey, he said he would clean out the garage. He's never cleaned out the garage, so I'm withholding sex. Like, that could be related. I can see how it could be related, but it also could be just separated. Like, he just needs some tools and strategies to follow through with execution. He needs some tools and strategies to be more organized. Like, don't connect things that aren't pretty directly connected.

Yes. And I would also say, you know, I mean I know at least where we are now and I think I could have found a tactful way to do this before of just tactfully, lovingly, vulnerably saying, you know what, I am open to this, let's have sex, I'm not withholding it, but I know you don't get it.

To me, I feel these obstacles. I feel these blocks. When I ask you to do something and you say you're going to do it and you don't, it makes me feel more closed off. It makes me feel less receptive to your advances. And you might not get that, but that's how it feels to me. And honestly, it's not very attractive. You could say something like that, right? Again, where you're remarried, let them know, like, hey, it's unattractive to me.

whatever and spell that out and and honestly if it's maybe it's like a health or weight issue like babe like and again, this is it can be sensitive, but does it have to be it's like look let's

Let's get in good health. Let's get in good shape. Let's drop the extra pounds. Let's dress up. You haven't dressed up forever. You're not taking care of yourself. That's not very attractive. Bring up all these things, because it's going to help everything improve. And I wouldn't bring them up in a manipulative way of trying to get them to do that. In fact, I would say the best time to do it is, well, maybe right after. Or maybe.

Rachel Denning (57:08.845)
not in the moment, but you know, so Greg and I do this thing which we now call naked philosophy, right? And it's my way of talking through things and closing tabs while I'm getting in the mood and prepared for sex. And you know, I used to do it with my clothes on, but...

Now we've gotten to the point where like, oh, let's start taking clothes off while I talk, while I, you know, get this stuff out. And for me, I'm thinking that would be one of those times where I'm willing to get naked, I'm willing to take off my clothes in that vulnerability. I'm also wanting to share that, you know, this thing actually is not very attractive and it's become an obstacle for me to be more intimate with you, you know? And you have to share it in an open, vulnerable way, not in an attacking or accusing way, but just saying I'm being honest here.

Like when you do this thing, it's kind of a turn off and I don't really like it. Beautiful. Man, that right there is a powerful tool. Okay, so I kind of remembered the other thing I was going to say, but it was related to the time thing. I mean, it really was because we think, oh, I just don't have time for that. But in reality, well, going back to what we talked about a minute ago, like,

A lot of times we spend more time avoiding sex than we would just having sex. So that's one switch to make, I think, is just like... Because in reality, when you actually have sex, it doesn't have to take more than 15 or 20 minutes, really. Now I get it. Ideally, for women, they would like a lot more time than that, or they would need a lot more time than that. But when you...

have multiple businesses and you're homeschooling and you have all these kids like we do, you have to find ways to make it faster and quicker. You just do. Like that's just the truth of raising a family. And I think what happens too often is that we think, oh, we don't have time for hour long sex or two hour sex or whatever.

Rachel Denning (59:06.669)
so we don't have time for sex. And it doesn't have to be that way. And we're, I know we're not talking about like just a quickie, like five minutes, although sometimes you could do that, but this is full.

double orgasm sex we're talking about. I wanted to clarify that too. We're not saying you forego an orgasm. Yeah, we're not just saying you give him sex so he can orgasm and you just go on. We're not talking about that. Every time, I would say there's probably five times in our entire 22 years of marriage that I have not orgasm during sex. The rest of the time, both of us are orgasm. That's a mouthful. So that's the type of sex we're talking about. But it's still...

I mean, on average, it's 15 or 20 minutes at most. And you have learned how to get there faster. Yes, which includes, you know, closing the tabs, mentally preparing beforehand, expecting it, knowing it's, you know, all of that helps to prepare to get to that point. And then, of course, we use clitoral stimulation. We also use lubricant, which, you know, we assumed everyone did, but I don't, we're...

we've learned that not everyone does that which that's one of the things that just... which may be the reason why there's pain yes okay so it mentioned pain that might be one of the reasons if you're not using a lubricant there's going to be pain and yeah that's going to last throughout the day if you're not having sex more often there's going to be pain you know the more often you have it the less painful it is and so then you're not dealing with pain throughout the day so using lubricant like we just use lubricant every time because

We can't wait for my body to produce all the things, you know, through a lengthened foreplay, so we just, it's a hack. We use the lubricant because we have a time crunch. We have, you know, 15 minutes while the kids are busy. And one of the things I have definitely appreciated, well, okay, I'm just gonna walk through some of these things that were all barriers to me. For me, I was concerned about the mess. I was concerned about, I'm always concerned about, you know, the...

Rachel Denning (01:01:11.789)
the door being locked so Greg always is locking the door or block right now we're in Egypt and our door doesn't have a lock and it's blocked with a suitcase because he just figures out ways to block the doors. I'm concerned about leakage afterwards you know I'm gonna get into all the nitty -gritty here right I didn't want to leak afterwards I didn't want

Well, of course there was the pregnancy thing back in the day when that was a problem. Greg has had a vasectomy when we decided we were done, so we don't have to worry about that anymore. That's an easy fix that now, you know, we can have condom -free sex. But without that...

you know, using the condoms. And you've always been so great about preparing all of the things we need, no matter where we are in the world, everywhere, all the hotels and Airbnbs and everywhere we're staying, you have all the supplies ready. You've always taken care of that. And that's just made it easy for me to just be like, okay, I'm ready, right? Like I just have to bring myself. That's all I need to bring. And you're more than happy with that. And you've got, we always have toilet paper, you know, cause we're sleeping in hotel beds and, and.

Air B &Bs all the time, and you know, so we use toilet paper. We always have access to toilet paper to clean up the mess right away, to catch the mess. We've got the lubricant, so we don't have to worry about that. We just have the lubricant that we need.

We've got the door blocked, you know, like everything is there. Any hesitation that I have, we've addressed it and found a solution for it. You know, for me also afterwards, I just always have a tampon or a pad and I just wear it for a couple hours so that I'm not...

Rachel Denning (01:02:48.621)
It seems dumb, but sometimes for a woman it's those little things. I would think, well, I don't want to have sex because then I'm going to be leaking. Leaking for hours. Seamen for hours and that's annoying. I don't want to, you know, and so I've just found a solution to those things of like, oh, if that's a problem, here's how I can solve it. So instead of me damaging my relationship with my spouse by saying no, when I'm worried about leakage.

I can say yes because I have a solution to that thing that's an annoyance to me. So you just have to kind of go through that whole process of thinking, well, why is it back to this idea? Why is it I don't want to? What's holding me back? What's making me say no? And then whatever it is that comes up, well, find a solution for that. Just find an answer. Do I need to put it on the calendar? Do I need to have access to toilet paper? Do I need to have lubricant? Do I need to like, what is it? Find a solution.

that gets you to yes. I like that. And then, and again, just, we know what the alternatives are. We talked through this, but if you just start saying, well, how can we make this happen? How can I add it? You know, you're busy and it takes so much time and it is there. There are inconveniences to it. And I think, I think we kind of, we exaggerate things like, ah,

I'm going to have to take off my clothes. And then I have to get redressed. And in your head, your little survival brain or your little busy brain is like, that's going to take a good 20 or 30 minutes. Exactly. When really it takes you like two or three minutes to take your clothes off and put them back on. In fact, if he's interested, it'll take way less than two minutes to get them off. But then, yeah, I mean, you're talking 60 seconds to get dressed. And so you go through it. And let's say it's 30 minutes and four times a week. So you're at two hours, two hours. Oh,

week to really improve the magic in your marriage. Hashtag worth it. Yes, I guarantee that if you devoted that much time to sex with your spouse every week, your relationship would drastically improve. It just would. Because not only for one thing is he feeling so much better about the relationship and about.

Rachel Denning (01:05:05.229)
all of that. He's going to start acting and behaving in different ways. He's going to do more of the things you want him to do and want to do those things. He's going to be more responsive and open and listening and caring and like, you know, all of these things you want him to be. He's going to be more interested and willing to do those things because because he gets that intimacy with you. Like, I don't think women fully understand how much power they hold.

because they control sexual access. And when they have a good guy...

He'll do anything for her. Now we're not talking about manipulation. We're not talking about abuse of this power, but we're talking about it is a real power. And if you can learn how to use it in a positive, healthy way, it will change your life. It will change your husband. It will transform your relationship. And you'll have something magical, really.

But you have to understand how important it is, and you have to learn how to make time for it.

Rachel Denning (01:06:22.797)
So good.

Now, some of you might be like, OK, well, that's all nice. You guys are lucky because of this, that, and the other. But I have to be there at every moment because my kids, I homeschool my kids. So as soon as my kids up, I'm on mom duty or teacher duty the whole day. And my husband has to work and he's gone. To that, I would say, again, more strategy, more systems, right? So many parents, they think they are the ones that have to do everything. And they have to be there at every moment. And I think we're actually doing it.

our kids and ourselves a disservice if we make ourselves that indispensable. Like the kids literally can't do anything on their own for an hour or two. Even if this weren't for sex, it was just for your sanity or your free time or just for you to be a human being. If you've made yourself that in demand, like there's no space for you to be you. So again, be more strategic. Like, hey, what are

things I can start doing so it maybe takes training conditioning and prep preparation but how can you get your kids to this place where they'll spend 30 minutes or an hour or two hours and eventually three four hours doing their studies doing their chores doing their work without you having to be there monitoring or cracking the whip or begging or pleading or beating like that's you've created that.

That's the conditioning and training you've created. You're responsible for that. So transform it. If your kids won't do anything without you standing there above them, that's on you. So get them to a place. And again, do this with whatever it is. If it's, well, you know, we would love to do that, Greg and Rachel, but work or chores or demands, like find out, figure out, come up with solutions where that's a possibility where you can easily clear out even if it's just an hour.

Rachel Denning (01:08:19.501)
or 30 minutes, how can you make space in your, you know, roughly 16 hours you have awake, create space, make that happen. And even if you have, even if you just have very small children that literally do need care, you know, you can't just leave your two -year -old alone by itself for an hour because that could be...

a big problem or your baby or whatever you know there are still opportunities there's still nap time there's still early bedtime there's you know there's still time and I get it you know because I was there where as a mom you're like well the last thing I want to do with a few moments I have is have sex with my husband you know and that's where you feel at those times but at the very least you could start having conversations about

how you could get to having sex, right? If you were like husband, you know.

Let's talk about how we could have more sex because honestly right now I just don't you know he's going to be interested right away in that conversation but you could tell him right now I just don't feel like it I'm so exhausted I'm so tired it's a chance for you then to get your needs fulfilled because you really do need him to listen to you and to support you and if he knows that you really would like to improve this relationship and you want to get to that point but you need more support guess what he's going to be a more willing supporter absolutely he's going to be more helpful because

He understands that that's going to help you improve this part of your relationship, which is important to him. Well, let's take that. That's a phenomenal example. Especially those of you who have small kids at home or you're homeschooling, you're with the kids a ton. And whether you're aware of it or not, you do need alone time and time away from them. Even I met his mom. I was like, no, I don't ever want to be with my kids. And I'm like, yeah, that's, you're losing some of your individuality and you're neglecting your husband. So let's say that's the case.

Rachel Denning (01:10:14.831)
like I just need some time away. And like you were saying, Rachel, like, well, you know, last thing I want to do is more demands, more meet other people's needs. I just need some alone time. That's the perfect, perfect opportunity to say, hey, babe, you know, after having spent time with the kids all day, I would love a little time every day if possible. Every day is an ideal of time away from them.

So can you take them to the park? Can you do some studies with them? Can you do projects with them? Can you help them run some errands? Can you help them do some chores? And share some of that, right? So you do have a loan time just to be you and do that. But you realize in that moment, you can't be having sex with your husband because your husband has the kids. So that, I'm just thinking through this, like that's a perfect arrangement. Like I am more than willing to work on us and have sex more often, but I also need a loan time too.

How can we work that out and and any good guy is gonna be like done? I'm all right. I do I will gladly take the kids every day at this time and do this so that you have alone time So you feel more prepared for us time because if he understands that a barrier to you having more sex as a couple is this lack of Alone time you have well, he's going to help you get that I mean you've done that so many times that can't even count that you're just you're like I'm gonna take the kids and you know, maybe initially that fills

like a bit of a prostitution here where you're like, take the kids and I'll have sex with you, but when we have this understanding of we have needs, we both have needs in this relationship. This is one of the needs I need to have fulfilled and you have a need for sex.

even if I don't fully understand why that's such a powerful need for you, if you can help me fulfill my needs, I can help you fulfill your needs, you know? And it doesn't have to be this cheapened act that we might tend to think it is because really it's a beautiful connecting act. Men just have more of that need and it makes them feel connected to you.

Rachel Denning (01:12:22.381)
And they want that. They want the sex not just because of the physical aspect, but because they feel connected to you and they feel whole. And so if you can use it quote unquote, not in a manipulative way, but use that to help get the support you need, well, that's how it's intended. It's intended to be this full circle reciprocal agreement, trade in a way.

Yeah, and it's been true throughout history.

Honestly and in an interesting way is true throughout the entire animal kingdom men will do males will do Everything to get the female and it's just it's just drive that draws us to you So it does it drives it well I mean without this drive men would they wouldn't even be around maybe like offering and venturing and venturing and I said hunting hunting Awesome, and you know, they wouldn't be around and they wouldn't be here too. I saw this

real on Instagram that just killed me you know this it was at some podcast between these younger 20 something maybe 30 something I want to say kids now but they're not kids I'm only 43 how am I 44 but they were basically these these girls they were saying well you know guys are cool and everything and I really like them but I don't need them to survive

And the guy that was interviewing her was just like, do you realize that everything around you, everything everywhere, all the internet, all the sewage, all the building, all the construction, was all done by men? What do you mean you don't need them to survive? You do need them to survive because it's not the women out there who are...

Rachel Denning (01:14:15.437)
fixing the sewage and the plumbing and building these skyscrapers or keeping the electricity working in storms or doing the internet infrastructure. All of these things are primarily, all these dirty, hard, challenging jobs are primarily done by men. We need men. And guess what drives them? This is the crazy thing. The drive that keeps them doing all of those things is the women they have at home.

It's because of that drive, that sexual drive that keeps them motivated to build the world. That's it. It makes the world go round. And when we can understand that, everything changes. And everything gets better in your relationship. And everything gets better. It really does. Everything gets so much better when you stop resenting it and being bothered by it and hating it and...

by it and you start to embrace it and see how beautiful it is and how wonderful it is everything changes and it literally is so much better. Beautiful. So we gave hopefully this has been super helpful philosophically and in practice with skills. If it does hurt just keep adjusting keep trying things to...

to get to where it doesn't hurt. If you're not having orgasms, get to the place where you are. So both of you should be having orgasms almost every time. And so it's super enjoyable. And then, you know, we went through schedule stuffs, get it to where you can fit it in easily, where it's not this huge disruption to your time and schedule, but it's actually something you look forward to and you want to have happen. So you have the joy in your marriage. Yeah. With the pain, there could be another underlying issue, but you're again, you're not going to know until you have more

sex and then realize maybe it's a lubricant thing, maybe it's just a lack of frequency thing. But if you get past those and you still have pain, then there's another issue that needs to be addressed. And that's, again, another opportunity that there might be something else there. Exactly. It's going to reveal something else that needs to be cared for. Yeah, some sort of medical or health concern. Yeah. And then one other thought I thought is like...

Rachel Denning (01:16:32.621)
We use even showering time as an opportunity. Like you're already undressed, half the work's done. So that's another time to just fit it in whenever you have a shower. And be strategic about your showers. If that's a good time, like hey, I'm already undressed, I'm already naked.

like okay, well I was gonna shower right now, but maybe if I wait till, let's say he gets home from work, I don't know, he gets home at five. Well, why don't you shower at 430? Right, and then he goes into the room and he says, oh, mom's getting dressed, lock the door. Send him a quick little text. Saying I'm getting in the shower. Saying I'm getting in the shower, can't wait for you to get home.

like holy guacamole he will speed home, run red lights. Don't do that. You'll remind him. But you can anticipate it. If you make that a thing then you know all I have to do is say hey I'm gonna take a shower babe and then you know we have plans and it makes it an easy excuse for the kids because mom's undressed she just got out of the shower. Sometimes maybe they're a little suspicious because we're not answering the door when they're knocking but you know it's at least...

If you're worried about the kids like I am, it's a thing because you have a legitimate excuse of, I'm not dressed right now, so you can't come in, right? And so again, you're just overcoming more of those barriers to entry. Innuendo intended. Okay, marriage is genuinely the best thing in life and should be.

the longest relationship you have, even as wonderful it is, is having children, raising children. They will move on and they will get married. And like the Bible says, cleave unto their spouses. A child will leave his mother, father, mother, and the father and mother should still be there together, absolutely in love. And we have to keep the magic in our marriages.

Rachel Denning (01:18:27.949)
And this is one powerful and important way to do it. So love you guys, thanks for listening, thanks for being here. If you have more questions, ask. If you want more tools and strategies like this, get into Rachel's 28 Day Challenge or gentlemen, join.

Join my Be The Man Masterclass and try it. Sign up for a consultation call. Let's get on a call together and help you reach your biggest goals in the next 12 months and overcome any barriers or obstacles. Let's help all of you level up so you can live the high caliber extraordinary family life that you're doing. Love you guys. Reach out.

Rachel Denning (01:19:07.501)
you