Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.766)
Hey everybody, welcome to the extraordinary family life podcast. We are your host, Greg and Rachel Denning, and we have an awesome question from one of you and we're excited. There's so much packed into this question. I think it's relevant for all of us. So many great lessons and takeaways. Uh, Rachel and I, Rachel and I are in the Italian Alps right now at this moment. We're up in the Dolomites and man, you guys, this has been on my bucket list to come to the Dolomites.

for so many years and it feels fantastic to just a little getaway for two of us for Valentine's to celebrate life and love and check it off the bucket list and it has, you know, getting here now, it has justly earned its reputation for serious awesomeness. Like jaw dropping views everywhere. Man, we're actually loving it. Okay, let's dive in. Read the question, babe. Okay, I don't know if I'll read the whole thing. I'll try and summarize.

But it just starts out by saying, this is where I am. I feel swamped with homeschooling. I have five kids under the age of 10. One has severe special needs. I have a scarcity mindset about my time, like I'll never have enough time to do everything. Which is true. We'll get there. We'll get there. Oh, OK. I'm jumping the gun because I'm so excited about so many elements of this. Great question. I'm too stressed keeping the home running to connect with my awesome kids regularly.

I don't always appreciate my spouse for his efforts. I snap when he shows the least impatience or force with the children. I want to have even more kids, but I feel I don't have the capacity. So I'm taking a year off using birth control, which we didn't really want to do, but I didn't have the discipline to follow through with natural planning. Last time we got pregnant, so this was my way to try and get healthy. I want to get my body and brain both healthy. I don't get to play my music enough, which usually inspires me. I want to mentor my kids, but I parent with commands and emotion.

I want to honor and follow God, but I find myself demonstrating before my kids that I don't trust him, that he will take care of my feelings and their behaviors when I snap due to my kids not obeying. Thinking about putting, well, she's referring to my Family Charts and Systems program in my budget soon and signing up for at least 30 days. I have a parenting program already from another religious source, which isn't really the influence I want in our home, but I needed tools to help me be consistent, so we went for it anyways.

Rachel Denning (02:37.934)
Maybe it's helping, but it's not producing enough softness and grace in me and my husband for my taste. Where I want to go is to have joy, music, beautiful feelings in the home. Smoothness, even when a small child is in tantrum mode. Trust in my spouse's methods with the kids and that the kids do their school because they want to rather than because I made them. Whoa, okay, beautiful. There's so much there and so much for all of us. And very relatable. Yeah, super relatable, that's what I'm saying.

So much for all of us to relate to and your vision at the end there, I love that. That's what we're striving for and it is totally possible, totally possible. And okay, we're going to dive into this. There's so much here. So let's start back at the top and just kind of hit some principles and practices, some things we've experienced ourselves and been able to help with thousands of families across five continents work through this stuff. So.

Well, I guess let's start with... At the top, Mrs. Denning. Okay, if we want to start at the very top, like feeling swamped with five kids under the age of 10? Yeah, absolutely. That's the definition of a swamp. That is the definition of swamped right there. And we understand this. We had four children... At first, we had four children under the age of four. And then by the time our oldest was 10, we had at least five or six kids. I don't even know. So...

I get this and it is definitely a swamped feeling. There's a lot going on. There's just a lot. And little people, they're just demanding. They are demanding and they don't understand. You can't logically reason with them about the importance of your schedule, right? And things like that. Like, well, this is the way things are and this is the way they need to be and you're two year old or you're one year old is like.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's a little Charlie Brown phase, like I don't give a crap. That being said, there are still so many systems you can put in place to manage the chaos. Yes. It is going to be chaotic. It is going to be a swamp, but there's effective ways to do it and ineffective ways to do it. It is possible to make it more of an organized chaos instead of just a swampy.

Rachel Denning (05:00.974)
overwhelming chaos. Or even contained chaos. Yeah. Right? You're like, well, let's take all this little bit of chaos and we'll keep it in this little container here. Yeah. And let the little ones like, well, they do their thing, but it's contained. It's handled. It's manageable. So you don't feel like a dumpster fire. Right. And so we're definitely going to talk through some of those strategies to see how you do that. Because it's honestly critical. It's critical for your sanity. Yep. And theirs. And your sanity is critical for the sanity of the family.

Yes. And, and I'll just, I'll throw it out right here and we'll, we'll hit it again and again through this entire episode. Ladies and gentlemen.

You are the determining factor in your family. In fact, I was writing, working on my book recently, I'm working a lot and I wrote in there that your kids, for the most part, will become like you. So, you and I have the responsibility, the moral obligation, the opportunity, the privilege to become the kind of people

we want our children to become. In other words, you have to be who you want them to become. So like you were just saying, we have to keep our own sanity in line so our children grow up to be sane adults. Otherwise you will quite literally, and we've seen this so many times, you will raise...

insane kids because if you're not healthy if you're neurotic or

Rachel Denning (06:46.893)
trying to find the right word here. If you're just not sane, you're not healthy mentally, emotionally, whatever, physically, your kids are going to fall suit. They're going to just, they have this disposition to just follow you. And if you grow up in a really unhealthy, like weird behaviors and you're super reactive, you're all over the place, your kids are going to be like, oh, that's how we do life. That's how we do marriage. This is how we do parenting.

And it's, I know how challenging this is and I also know how terrifying this is, how overwhelming this is, how frightening this is that you think I am ruining my kids right now because I don't have it together and yet I don't know how to get it together. Like that's terrifying. I get it. And yet it's true. You can't escape it. Your children are young.

and they are watching you and they are literally, you're implanting in their brains that this is how life is done. This is how we behave. This is how we act. This is how we interact. This is how we treat our children. This is how we treat our spouse. All of that is becoming embedded into their subconscious. And it will ultimately influence how they behave with each other right now and how they grow up to behave as adults. And we keep emphasizing this because it's so important.

They'll take what they see in you and they'll interpret it into their own little interpretation and then they manifest it right now with each other and life. Right? So if they see you snap at them for something or snap at a spouse, they're like, oh, okay, now I get it. That's what we do when somebody makes me upset. And boom, then they interpret it and then they act it out in a little different way. They take their own interpretation and go. Man, you can't emphasize this enough.

Right. We've got to get our crap together. And like Rachel saying that that's intimidating and it is, and whether it's intimidating or terrifying, it still remains true. And so the only option I think we have is to figure it out. And that's why we're doing this podcast. That's why we have our courses. That's why we have, I have the beat of man masterclass and tribe. Rachel, I do the formula coaching together. We have the charts and systems. We're giving you guys the tools to do this. Right.

Rachel Denning (09:07.885)
Well, and that's why in the Extraordinary Family Life formula, the foundation of everything is you, because you are the foundation. If you get yourself healthy and you get yourself strong, then you're able to model all of that behavior for your children. And you've like, that's half the battle right there. When you're able to model correct behavior, that's way easier than just trying to teach it or trying to get your kids to obey or trying to get them to do the right thing. You model.

how to live and they will follow suit. Which, oh man, I get so fired up about this, you guys, I'm excited. There's probably gonna be some rants during this episode, because I'm fired up and excited about it. But, like your vision at the end of this question of like, I want this place of peace and calmness and love and grace and fun and enjoyment and this beautiful family, that is all going to come.

from you. So like Rachel was just saying, how you model that for them. So if you want them to be graceful, be graceful. If you want them to be calm, be calm. You want them to be happy and peaceful, be happy and peaceful. You want them to respond well to each other, you have to respond well to your spouse and to them. So it's, it's, it's you. And that's, I know that's like, that's going to probably bring some tears, but it should also bring some excitement because that's good news. It's all new.

And all you have to do is model for them. But what most parents are doing is modeling one thing while screaming another. You're yelling, you're, don't do that, behave like this. And they're like, what in the world? The kid has no idea what to think. Or you're modeling one thing while trying to teach another. And to the children, to the child, it's incongruent. And so you're sending this message that's incongruent. And ultimately, it causes confusion. And all they can really do is

follow how you behave and act, not what you say. I gotta point out too that it also just, they wouldn't be able to articulate it, but automatically, subconsciously, it just is total distrust. You do one thing, you say another, like I can't trust you. And so you kill your own influence with your kids. Right, it lessens your impact and influence over them because they intuitively, without, they wouldn't say it, like you said, they distrust you or they can't, they,

Rachel Denning (11:36.461)
They see the incongruence and they can't, that's not a foundation for them. But while you were talking and saying that, what it made me think of was there's this amazing book that I would absolutely recommend, because I think it would fit into this. It's written by a man, I don't know his name, but it's an interview with Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama. And one of the things that the Dalai Lama says in there is that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

Yeah. So for everything that you want in that vision of what you have, joy, music, beautiful feelings, there is no way to get there. That is the way. Exactly. And so what we have to do is figure out, okay, how do I have happiness now? How do I have joy now? How do I have music now? And you do more of those things and that is the way you get to what you want.

So this little statement right here, this one line of like, I don't play my music enough, which inspires me, that's part of the problem. If music inspires you, play the music more and do less of the things that don't inspire you. If the housework is uninspiring, okay, for now, do less of it and do more of the music because then you will feel better. Do more of the things that make you feel good and you will feel good more. Wow, so simple and yet so true. There is no way.

to get to those feelings except to have those feelings more often. And then that's how you feel them more. So that's an actual strategy right there. And like there's two approaches. You might quickly do the dishes and the laundry, learn how to be more efficient, more effective, knowing that the reward is I'm going to go play music. Or you could flip it and say, you know, I'm going to go play music.

I'm going to play it first because music inspires me. It makes me feel great. And, oh, I just feel so good. So I'm going to go play some, play on my instrument or get in that space. And then within that space of energy and excitement and love, we're going to take the family, go in and do the dishes. So you could go either way, but it's, it's, you want to make it easier for you to create and live the life you want to create and live. And it starts by actually doing it now. By doing.

Rachel Denning (14:01.389)
more of the things that make you feel that way. Instead of waiting to do them as though there's some, something that have to be ignored or earned or I don't know what, like what is it about us that we think, oh I can't do those things. I can't do the things I enjoy because what? What are the excuses we give ourselves? I'm too busy, there's too much to do, I'm too frazzled, it's too chaotic, there's so much going on. And we feel like we're just constantly putting out fires.

where if we would kind of just flip that on its head and really live deliberately, the fires happen less often and they take care of themselves. Exactly. Well, and I think this actually ties into the next point she has here of, I have a scarcity mindset about my time. Like I'll never have enough time to do everything. That is 100 % true and it will be true for the rest of your life. You will never ever have enough time.

to do everything you want and need to do. When you realize that, that's when you start to prioritize what you do. And you should use this framework that we just referred to, do more of the things that make you feel good. Do more of the things that make you feel inspired or joyful or peaceful. When you do more of those things, now you feel less stressed and the things you have to do,

are easier to get done because you're coming from a place of joy or inspiration or peace rather than the other way around. You will never get to joy and peace and inspiration by hurrying and stressing and trying to do it all and get it done so that then you can be joyful and peaceful. It doesn't work that way. It never ever will work that way. And yet we have done this and we watch others do it all the time. You're like, oh, the way to peace is to be frantic. And you're like,

Oh, you're going about it all wrong. You have to learn how to clean up the house with joy. You have to learn how to do the dishes with joy. You have to learn how to mentor your kids with joy. That's the only way to have what it is you're seeking for is by learning to do the things that are uncomfortable or annoying or irritating with joy and peace. And also learning how to do them more effectively and more efficiently.

Rachel Denning (16:29.229)
And we were there for a long time. So many people are there. It's like we it's almost this form of self -sabotage. We're making it much harder on ourselves than it actually is because we ourselves are doing it ineffectively and efficiently. And often it just comes down to tools and strategies, which is why we do what we do. You and I, like we share all this, you guys, because we're like, hey, this works, this doesn't. Like, oh, we tried doing that for a long time and we were frantic and our

whole existence was like a dumpster fire and like just a mess until we figured out like, Oh, wait a minute. We can get all of that done in a quarter of the time, all while being happy and joyful. Right. And wow. Wow. Life is better. This is fantastic. Family life is awesome. Exactly. So then this is I think perfect with the next thing too, cause I'm too stressed keeping the home running to connect with my awesome kids regularly. Well,

There's this principle and it has a name but I don't know the name of it right now where essentially everything you do will fill the time you have allotted for it. So if you feel like I have to constantly be running the home, guess what? You could spend unlimited amounts of time running the home. But guess what? This is also true.

If you did the first things first, if you did the things that were more important to you first, like connecting with your awesome kids, you could still get the running of the home done in the time you have left. Exactly. It does work that way. Really, it does. Because what you do is whatever gets squeezed out to the end gets neglected. So what you're saying, I'm going to run the house and do all this stuff and then then connect with my kids. And so that gets squeezed out at the end of the day. Right. Where if you say, I got to connect with my kids and then I'll run the house, it gets squeezed out at the end of the day and you're like, shoot.

We got 15 minutes to clean the whole house. Let's go. Okay. This is a perfect example because just, I don't even know how long ago, because time flies when you're traveling and you have so many experiences, it feels like a lifetime. So a lifetime ago, we were living in our house in Georgia in the United States, preparing to move to Portugal. And I remember we put our house on the market and we got a request for someone to come see our house in 15 minutes.

Rachel Denning (18:49.229)
minutes. Our house was a disaster because we were in the middle of packing, moving, and planning for to go on this trip around now. And I remember Greg, because he's ambitious like this, said, let's do it. Accept it and we'll get the house cleaned in 15 minutes. And I thought there is no way we're getting this entire house clean in 15 minutes. But guess what? We did it. And well, how we did it is important. We did it joyfully. We didn't come in running, screaming.

Hey, hey everybody, ah, ah. And we didn't let those emotions stir within us and then vomit them all over everybody else. We just said, hey, cool, there's an opportunity here, guys. Went in with smiles and everybody, come here, come here. We really need your help. Somebody wants to come see it. The house is in chaos. We have 15 minutes, let's go. And we probably turned on some music and we did it and it was awesome. Yeah, we got it done. In 15 minutes we include.

cleaned our entire three -story, six -bedroom, four -and -a -half bathroom house spotless. Yeah, it was awesome. Good enough to show. So when you have to get something done, you can get it done. You don't need hours and hours and hours to clean the house. Now, I know in your mind you're going to be saying, oh, we have older kids. That's true. That's true.

There were eight or nine of us and they're capable. We've been training them for a long time. So when we say, hey, clean up, they're good and they're fast. Which is part of the answer. It's training, right? This will come with time. If you are deliberately training and teaching and leading your kids, mentoring them, it just gets better and better and better. But if you're just going along hoping things get better, you're going to be a chaotic mess indefinitely. Right. And which a key...

A key ingredient to this, which parents often are missing or not seeing this direct connection, is that if you want to train and mentor your kids to be able to do things like we just described, you have to have that close connection with them. You have to be connected to them. So it's like self -sabotage because you think, I don't have time to connect with my kids because I have to clean up my house. And yet you would actually receive more help.

Rachel Denning (21:09.229)
from your kids to clean up the house if you spent more time connecting with them first. So you spend the time connecting with them and guess what? And this happens with all of my children who currently the youngest is six, six, nine, 12, 15, 17, 18, 20, right? But it's worked with all of them through all ages. When you connect with them and spend genuine time with them, they are more willing to help you.

And to do what you ask. They are on board, cooperative. They want to help you. Yeah, they're helpful. They're good. And you don't have to yell at them. You don't have to discipline them. You just have to ask them. You can say, hey, can you help me? Let's go together. Will you help me wash the dishes? And then we'll go do something else together. And I know some of you are like, I don't know if that's true. That sounds like a pipe dream. Are you guys making this up? And

This is legit, true, totally possible. We created it and we're not unicorns or magicians. Like it's just a formula. We followed the extraordinary family life formula and we've created it and you guys legit, you just ask and the kids do it. It is incredible. I want to pause here for a second and really point something super important out. In this question, we all do this. I said, I'm too stressed.

because of fill in the blank. That's not accurate because those things, none of those things actually cause stress. Stress is an internal interpretation of things. It is absolutely possible to have a huge list of things to do in a short time and not feel stress. Stress is a choice.

Stress is an emotional or mental reaction, mostly an emotional reaction to something, and it's all your interpretation of the thing. And things only have the meaning that you give them. This is, it's a critically important point because we begin to subtly play the victim. Oh, I'm stressed because of these things. No, you're not. You're stressed because you're choosing.

Rachel Denning (23:31.757)
to be stressed. Well, because, like you mentioned there, you're interpreting it to mean these things. I have all these things to do. I don't have enough time to do them. Therefore, I am stressed. So it's the story you're telling yourself or the story that you're living by or believing in, which you often don't recognize is actually just a story because that requires a lot of awareness to understand that that's a story you're telling yourself, not just the way things are. Right. It's not the truth. It's just your story. Right. Right.

your interpretation of the truth. Right, exactly. And so it's the story that you're telling yourself and the meaning that you're giving to what that story means that's causing the stress. Now, I mean, I just because I like to do this, I want to clarify there are actual physical stress, but that's more of things like when you lift weights, you are actually causing physical stress on your muscles. That's a different type of stress than the mental emotional stress, which we're referring to. Right. And the way to prove this out is if you took

Okay, I get 10 tasks that need to be done in two hours and you bring in 500 people, give them the same time and the same task. Would every single one of them be stressed? Nope. A lot of them be like, okay, I got this. And the great ones would be like, hmm, okay, how can I do this most efficiently? How can I move more effectively? How can I turn it into a game? How can I make this fun? How could we have a blast doing the things that need to be done? They wouldn't all interpret it as stress. And you can see this by people who,

We know who take on massive amounts of responsibility. And the ones who are carrying huge loads, when we tell them about how heavy our load is, sometimes they giggle and try to hold back because they're like, yeah, you have little Mickey Mouse problems. Like your little problems, really? You got stressed over that? Because, wow. Because you had to clean the house? Really? Because they're handling millions of dollars or hundreds of employees or.

or even some people billions of dollars and thousands of employees or massive catastrophes or disasters or really serious things. And we are sitting there telling them how stressful our lives are because we need to clean up. Right. Right. I'm just sharing an example. I'm not belittling anyone. I'm just saying when we, excuse me, when you change the perspective, the paradigm, you realize, oh,

Rachel Denning (25:57.645)
Stress is just a choice. Well, and then back to this idea of there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. It's the same with managing the house. If you want to have more joy, if you want to have more beauty, if you want to have more smoothness, it starts by managing the house in that way. If you want to mentor your kids more, if you want to connect with them more, it starts by managing the house through connecting with your kids and mentoring them.

All of that is actually the opportunity, it's the perfect laboratory for you to do exactly what it is you want to do. It is the experiment. This is how you achieve those things, by learning how to do the things you have to do in a way that brings you the feelings you want to have. And it's totally possible, you guys. Every one of you can, every one of us, all of us, and we've done this, we had to learn to do this. We weren't born this way, we didn't start our marriage this way. We had to learn how to do this.

And it was just deliberate thinking, just stopping and say, wait a minute, the kids are going to break something. They're going to fight. They're going to mess something up. Do I have to be upset because of that? Well, no, I don't have to be upset. I get to choose what I feel. So I can be standing there. They can be fighting and I can walk over to the fight literally without getting upset at all. I can walk over with the joy and the happiness and the peace and the serenity she's describing.

And I go in and instead of going and getting in the fight, I go over and hug them and be like, guys, come on, come here, let's hug, hug me, hug me, let's talk through this, let's go, we can do better than this. And I bring that feeling to them instead of bringing the fight and jumping in on it. Right. Or the same thing with the dishes or the laundry. We're going to have to do dishes every day because we eat every day. We're going to have to wash clothes. We know these things.

need to happen and are going to happen and yet when they're there, it's like we're so bothered that there's dishes in the sink. What? There's dishes again? I remember when I when I switched my mindset about that and I thought why am I doing this to myself? It's literally insane. Every single day I'm getting upset that I have to wash dishes as though I'm surprised there's dishes. When the reality is if you think about it and you're like okay I'm going to be doing dishes.

Rachel Denning (28:20.973)
every day for the rest of my life. I might as well learn to enjoy this. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable for a very long part of your existence. Exactly. It's true. So now I've literally have trained myself that doing the dishes is a break for me. Because I'm stressing myself, stressing myself intentionally in other ways. I'm working, I'm writing, I'm creating, I'm planning, I'm doing all these things. And doing the dishes is like it's

focus thinking versus diffuse thinking. I'm doing a lot of focus thinking and then the diffuse thinking is like I do the dishes. It's easy to do the dishes. It's enjoyable to do the dishes. I get to run my hands in the water, it's warm. It's like refreshing and kind of relaxing in a way, you know? And so I use it intentionally as recovery from stress. Like that's another great book that you should read. It's a powerful engagement and he talks about.

being intentionally stressed, stressing yourself intentionally like an athlete would, and then recovering. So the recovery is some sort of activity that helps you reset. And for me, that's been doing the dishes. Beautiful. That's awesome. That's one way to do it. Another way to do it is if you don't want to do those, you outsource it. So we're not misunderstood. Rachel doesn't do the dishes most of the time.

We outsource that to our kids. And when I do like to load the dish when she does the dishes, she does it. She does it joyfully. She participates. But when she can't be doing all the time because she has the role of mother, not dishwasher. So your 10 year old, your eight year old can your six year old can load the dishes and unload the dishes. You can help them set up systems. If they can't reach you get ladders. You'd go to the class.

the dishwasher class and you give it to them multiple times. Like any one of your kids can be the dishwasher. Only you can be the mom. Like this is critical or the dad is absolutely critical. This is circling back to what you were talking about for about prioritizing your time. You can't be doing all the chores. If somebody else in the house can do it then they should because there are things that only you can do.

Rachel Denning (30:44.013)
like spending time with each of your kids. Or making love to your spouse, right? There's, you don't outsource that stuff. You definitely should not outsource that stuff. So outsource the other stuff. Man, this gives me so fired up. Well, and it's also critical though, because what I was talking about there, if my kids don't see me

joyfully doing their dishes, well then why do they want to have the job? You know what I mean? Absolutely. So they have to see that it's a good thing. It's a necessary thing. It can be a pleasant thing. Our kids, they love to listen to their audiobooks while they do the dishes. So that's a reward that they get. Hey, will you do the dishes? Yeah. Can you turn on my audiobook so I can listen? Yeah, of course. Absolutely. So it has to have that association of like, at the very least,

It's not torture, right? And we articulated this a lot when they were little. We don't even have to articulate as much anymore. But I would say out loud, man, grateful to have these dishes. Because if we didn't have dishes, like, gosh, what would we eat on? This is great. So I'm glad to wash and clean up and go through this process because it means we get to eat on dishes and use utensils. That's fantastic.

And some of your kids are like, well, let's get paper plates and eat with our fingers. All right, let's do that. But articulate for them. Walk them through the reasoning so they're like, oh yeah, it makes sense. Exactly. OK. The next, let's move on here to the next thing. Oh, well, OK. Maybe we should address to not appreciating my spouse for his efforts and I snap when he shows the least impatience or force with the children. This is kind of ironic.

Because I've noticed that this has happened before in our relationship too, where I'm feeling frustrated or irritated or annoyed with the kids and I kind of feel like, okay, I want my husband to take over, I want him to be in charge, but then if he doesn't do it in the way I would want it to be done, which is with peace and calm and in the way I'm not capable of doing right now.

Rachel Denning (33:00.269)
I get annoyed that he can't do that either, right? And so I see this dynamic going on in this part right here. And you react towards me. Exactly. Like I would react to, like, so you're like, well, you take it out on me. It's this drama title. Yeah, exactly. Because like, you just did that. I'm going to do that to you. Then you get in a circle. But it's also interesting. I've thought this too many times, like, and Rachel and I have talked through this. We could talk through this. Like, oh, babe, do you expect me to be a mother to them?

Because you would mother them. You want me to mother them or do you want me to father them? Because I'm going to take a different approach. You're like, well, I don't like your approach. Well, that's because you're a woman. And I'm like, I wouldn't take your approach. I wouldn't expect you to be a father to my children. I'll be the father. You be the mother. Now, that's no excuse for ineffective interactions or discipline. Or abusive. Or anything. Yeah, where you don't have to be the dad lecture and just be a jerk. If you're being a jerk, by all means, please step in and stop each other.

Like if I see Rachel doing something that's going to harm the kids, I'm like, no, I'm stepping in here. And vice versa, like you should stop me. Even if it quote, undermines my authority, whatever, stop me. Because that's just crazy. We shouldn't treat our kids like that. But it might be a different tactic or strategy, and it should be. That's why kids have parents, or the mom and the dad. That's why the research on two -parent homes is so clear that.

that children need both of those different influences because they actually need to have two sides of the story and two sides of the coin. It helps them in their full brain development to have more than just one side. It's lopsided when there is just the one approach that's constant and the same and there's no variation. It's actually healthier to have that variation because they're kind of like, oh, okay, this is interesting, this is different, this is new. So sometimes it's that. Sometimes it might just be,

He's taking a male approach, a masculine approach, which can be a good thing. And I will catch myself sometimes saying like, okay, that might not be how I would do it, but he's their dad. And sometimes that means a little bit firmer voice or a little bit, you know, this or that. It's going to be different because we are different people. Right. There's also in this part of the question, this underlying sense of victimism.

Rachel Denning (35:26.509)
And it's laced throughout the entire question. And again, I'm not throwing anybody under the bus here. This is actually a very beautiful question. Well articulated, I'm so glad you asked and shared all these things. And this is very common. This is so common for all of us. We all do it in some sense or form. We play the victim. And we tell ourselves the story, and so we believe it wholeheartedly. And so read that section again. I don't always appreciate my spouse for his efforts.

Well, that's just a choice. It's actually really easy to appreciate people. Just notice, just stop for a second. Again, it's an inside job. It's me. It's me noticing and then saying, thank you. That's great. It's me thinking, gosh, what would it be like without him? All I gotta do is stop and say, if Rachel weren't here, holy guacamole. Immediately, I'm so grateful for all you do.

Oh, because I'm like, what if she weren't doing it? So that's easy. And again, I could play the victim to that like, well, it's this. But it's also like, there was something about the kids. I snap when he shows the least impatience or force of the children. So like, we're thinking like, well, I can't handle the kids right now. That's victimism. And I snap when he does something. That's a form of victimism. I snap because this person does that. That's not true. It's not a true thing. There's no force there.

So another person's behavior never forces my behavior. That's so fundamental and important. So if you do something, Rachel, like I am not forced to react. So if you do something to kids, I don't have to snap at you. Like that's not forcing me to do that. It's still a choice. But if I'm not careful, I'll subtly believe that it is like you, you doing that to the kids makes me snap. Right.

Or if you're not aware or not conscious enough to realize that there is that space to be able to choose how you respond, then yeah, it's easy to think. Because it's not that there's no effect. It's not that there's no impact per se, right? We influence those around us. We're not saying that your spouse doesn't influence how you feel. No, that's true. They can influence how you feel. But you still have the power to choose. Exactly.

Rachel Denning (37:52.269)
how you respond. Exactly. And so that takes some like real developmental maturity and practice for all of us to say, wait a minute, I don't have to react to this. I can respond to it. Exactly. That's huge. But it begins by just being aware that you actually have that choice. Like that's in your power. OK. So I think that's good for now. Let's move on to the next point.

I want to have even more kids, but I feel I don't have the capacity. I am taking a year off using birth control, which we didn't really want to do. I'm not sure if taking a year off was what they didn't want to do or using birth control in the first place they didn't want to do. But I didn't have the discipline to fall through with natural planning methods last time we got pregnant. So this is my way to try to get healthy. I think she's saying getting off the birth control is her way to get healthy. I want to get my body, brain.

Body and brain both healthy. Okay, first of all, I wanna say this is critical. I can't emphasize enough how critical this is. One of the reasons why moms feel so overwhelmed, swamped, and insane sometimes is because of these types of things. Your body and your brain are not healthy. Now I get it that part of the reason for that is that you've been pregnant or nursing for 10 years and you're not sleeping.

You're going to feel crazy. You just are. Because those are the perfect, like that's the perfect recipe for feeling crazy. So doing everything you can to get your body and brain healthy is key. I, I, we had a mom recently that we were coaching and she was like, I'm, I'm had it. I'm ready to just beat my kids and I'm done. And I was like,

You need a nap. Just go to sleep. And we were texting back forth. And she did. She went to a nap. And then she was like, I woke up a completely different human being. I was like, yeah. Sometimes, but if you don't have the awareness, you're like, this is it. It's the kids. It's my life. It's everything. I'm going to blow a gasket. You're like, you didn't sleep well. You haven't eaten. Your hormones are off. You're

Rachel Denning (40:17.197)
on birth control, which I know you're going to go to. Right. Yeah. And I know for me, to this day still, if I feel off, if I feel angry, upset, irritated, annoyed, the very first thing I think about is, did I get enough sleep and have I eaten well? And if I haven't done those things, those are the first things I address. And I know as a mom,

We don't always do that. We neglect ourselves. We neglect our sleep. We neglect our eating. We're picking stuff off of the kids' plates instead of actually sitting down and having a meal. And then we wonder why we snap at them all the time. Or you eat junk food or crap food. You're literally putting toxins as fuel into your system and wondering why you're discouraged, or depressed, or frustrated, or snappy. All of that is playing a role. If you're not eating well, and I will define well for you.

If you're eating junk food like Oreos and cookies and potato chips, whatever it is people eat, soda, all of this crap, it is going to make you feel like crap and you're going to respond in a crappy way to your spouse and your children. You are. Now, people will disagree with me on this, but I've been doing my research for 20 plus years on what eating well is and I've looked at every diet and I've tried nearly every diet. And for me now, eating well means grass -fed beef.

grass -fed milk, grass -fed butter, cheeses. That's the basis of our diet. Some fruits. Fruit, some vegetables. That's it. That's about what we eat. In every kind of delicious variety. Yes, in lots of different varieties. So if you're eating well, things like that, you need nutritious food. You need things with nutrients because your brain needs nutrients. Your brain uses up 20 % of all of the energy you intake.

And so if you're not getting enough food, especially fats, your brain operates on fats. That's why very first thing every single morning I make myself a cup of hot tea with a tablespoon full of grass -fed butter in it. Because my brain needs energy and that's how I fuel it very first thing in the day. You've got to be fueling your body so that you are not a crazy mess. That one thing right there is a low -fat diet.

Rachel Denning (42:31.885)
Oh, so bad for you. It is wrecking your brain. It is wrecking. So you're foggy, you're discouraged, you're snappy, you just don't think well, you don't act well, you're not energized, the life is not clear. That right there alone. But then you add processed foods. And sugars. You add sugars and sodas, vegetable oils. No wonder you feel like a train wreck. Exactly. And if you've let this compound on itself chronically for years and maybe you're overweight and out of shape, that's even worse. It's just...

It has this massive compounding effect and you've got to get that in order immediately. Or that you're actually, because I know this is true for me, you're malnourished because you've had lots of pregnancies. I mean, you know, five pregnancies in 10 years, that's a lot of pregnancies. Your body is lacking nutrition because it's been giving it to your children. So you need a high nutrient diet, like dense nutrition. That's why beef is so good.

because it's fueling you, it's giving you those things that you need so that you can actually function. Now I know there's a lot of people - Because it's meeting all the massive demands that's on the body. Exactly. Now I know that there's a lot of people that, and we can do podcast episodes about this all day long and we talk about it in like every podcast because it's so important. I know people out there are thinking vegan or keto or all these different things that, you know, especially the whole vegan movement and the -

salad and all that they think that that's healthy and after so many years of studying research and we used to be there we used to be there we know we're just realizing it's not it's not it's not nutrient dense it's not nutrient dense enough to to meet the demands that our lives require so anyways that's that the other thing I applaud her for getting off of birth control because she's on birth control so she says she's taking a year off

So I think she's... No, taking a year off. Oh, I'm taking a year off by using birth control? Yes, yes. That's how I understood it. Okay, so I'm a little confused about the sentence. I'm not sure. If you're getting on birth control, I'm just gonna... You're taking a year off from having kids, so we're gonna wait a year, and we got on birth control to prevent it so we could wait that year. Okay, I thought she was saying I'm taking a year off from using birth control. I would say get off birth control.

Rachel Denning (44:54.221)
Now, this isn't because I don't think you should plan your family, because you should. I don't think you should just get pregnant whenever you get pregnant. I don't believe that that's something you should do. Birth control is destructive to a woman's body. Like, there is so much research coming out now about how dangerous it is, how horrible it is. It messes with your hormones. It will have lasting long -term effects. It just, it is just toxic. It really is.

Your body is meant to operate in a certain way. It's meant to have cycles and all of that. As inconvenient as that might seem, that's how your body's supposed to function. If you mess with that, you're messing with nature and that's just not a healthy thing. You're messing with creation at that point. Yeah, it's just not healthy. So don't get on birth control. Get off of birth control if you're on it. And I know that that might seem backwards. There are other ways. There are other healthy ways. It's not. This is really...

the newest research that's coming out. It's not healthy. The truth is, there are only five days out of the month that you can get pregnant. Now, five days, that's it. You can figure out how to not get pregnant on five days. And if you can't, then at least use a condom during that time. Well, and she said I wasn't disciplined enough. And again, what we have to do, we have to - There are apps. You don't have to be disciplined. There is an app.

for that. You can download the app and it will tell you you're fertile these five days. Don't have sex or use protection. It's that simple. And that's exactly what I was going to say is make discipline easy. Set alarms, set alert, use it, find an app. Like make discipline easy. And again, don't, don't play the victim here. Like own it, own it and figure out a way to make discipline. Quote, this isn't even discipline really. It's a system. It's a system. Yeah. So

Because if you really do want to get healthy, which you need to do, it's so critical for you to be the person you want to be. Like going back to this idea of you being the person you want your children to become, that includes being, you have to be healthy in your brain and body to do that. And in order to do that, you have to eat well, not be putting toxins into your body, like birth control. And then the next thing is you need to be sleeping. You must be sleeping. Like,

Rachel Denning (47:18.029)
That is sacred time and I know me as a young mom, I wanted to stay up. It's my quiet time. I finally get time to myself. But you're literally sabotaging yourself as a mother, as a person, as a spouse. When you neglect your sleep, you need it. So get to sleep. But my husband wants to make love to you at night. Make love to him during the day. Make love to him another time. Like figure out something else. But get your sleep.

Like there's ways around this. You can be creative. You don't have to sacrifice your sleep for all of these other things. Or your husband. Or your husband. There's other solutions. But you need your sleep. Get out of that sleep, religiously. Exactly. OK. The music, we talked about that. Mentoring your kids.

but I parent with commands and emotions. Again, this is another one of those things, like there is no way to mentoring. Mentoring is the way. And in parenting with commands and emotions is often, it's a default and we use it in place of a system or strategy. If I have a very - Or a skill set. Yes. If I have a very good system strategy or skill set, then I don't have to rely on demands, yelling, emotions. I don't -

That's why we yell at our kids, because it gets a reaction. Well, that's stacked on top of what we've just discussed. You didn't sleep, you haven't eaten, and now you don't have the skills on top of your being hangry and off emotionally and mentally. Now you also don't have the skills to parent in an effective way. And it's harder to learn those skills if you haven't first.

manage your own body and mind, right? Like how can you manage and mentor your children if you don't know how to manage and mentor yourself? Exactly. It's not possible. And you're modeling for them how to mismanage themselves. Exactly. So it starts with you. That's why in the formula, you are the foundation. You must focus on getting yourself in a solid place so that you're operating from a firm foundation when you are trying to parent and mentor your children.

Rachel Denning (49:36.589)
parent and mentor your kids. Yep. And then when you have these systems and strategies and skills in place for you and for them, then it all works together in this beautiful orchestrated coordinated family life like you're describing. And it's not a fight. It's not a battle. It's not you demanding obedience. Like our family strategy is I've never like wanted my kids just to obey me. Well, I want my kids to think.

and to be good and to choose those things. And so we work to do that and they do that. So I've never been in a battle of obedience with our kids. Right, and I actually want to talk about that a little more because she says more on that in a minute. Well, maybe we should go there now. So she says, I want to honor and follow God by find myself demonstrating, acting out before my kids how I don't trust he will take care of my feelings and their behaviors.

When I snap, due to the kids not obeying. Okay, there's multiple levels here. So much. There's a lot of levels here. First of all, one of them that I'm gonna talk about is victimism. And we see this again and again and again. People play the victim to everyone, including God. And we want to believe that God is the one who's going to make us control ourselves. Or something like that.

So reread this comment again. It was so insightful. I'm glad it was articulated this way because it illustrates what so many of us do in our relationship towards God. So we want to follow, you know, we want to honor and follow God. We have this ideal that we want to pursue of being God -like, being Christ -like, you know, being a good person. Which is amazing. We need that. That's important. That's key. But then we find ourselves demonstrating. I think she's using that like I'm acting out in a way.

in front of my kids showing I don't trust him that he'll take care of my feelings and their behaviors. Well, he can't. He won't. Because of free will. He's given you free will and he is requiring, like that's how it works, that you take care of your feelings and that your children take care of their behavior. Right. It's not his job. Each one of us are responsible. Yeah, it's not. We have...

Rachel Denning (51:58.477)
Sorry. We both have so much to say about this. It is not his job to take care of my feelings. It is not his job to dictate my children's behavior. Yes. It's my job. Right. We have individual responsibility. Because he gave us the power to do that. He's already given us that power. He's given us the power of self mastery. And so it is my job.

with his grace and power to direct my life, including my emotions. And he's given me the responsibility and the stewardship to teach, mentor, lead, and model for my children. And so their behavior is under my stewardship. Ultimately, their behavior is their responsibility. But ultimately. But they're kids. Yes, but for sure, your behavior is under your stewardship. Exactly. Your behavior is 100 %

your responsibility. It's not God's fault or anyone else's fault if you get upset. It's yours. You're the one who did it and you're the only one who can fix it. I remember while you've been talking about this I just had this memory back to when I was a brand new mom. We adopted our oldest daughter and then okay we adopted her and then I got pregnant maybe nine months later. So I was pregnant with our second my first pregnancy.

And we had this little girl that was nine months old. And I remember having these moments where I just felt so tired, so overwhelmed, and I would be trying to put her to bed. And I know this happened when the baby was born too, but like, I just would pray and plead with God, please help my child to go to sleep right now, because I just can't handle it anymore. And this...

This complete, it was almost this feeling of complete helplessness, really. I have no power here. I can't handle it and I can't make them go to sleep. And I felt completely helpless. Now, as I matured and developed, I realized the real problem wasn't that I needed God to make my children go to sleep. And it wasn't him not answering your prayers. Right. I didn't have the skills. I didn't have the skills to manage myself and to have patience with a child.

Rachel Denning (54:20.077)
And I didn't have the skills to help them learn how to soothe themselves or to learn how to calm down. I was lacking those skills and in its place, which this is natural and normal, I'm not saying that this is wrong, it's the level I was at that my only answer was answer my prayer, God, and make my kid go to sleep. But it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. I know.

Looking back it is funny but I remember so sincerely and sometimes being so frustrated and sometimes mad at God like God I've been in here with this kid for two hours and they're still crying why won't you answer my prayer and make them go to sleep and in reality probably that feeling of frustration and anger all of that was actually causing the child to feel more upset because they pick up on those things and not going I was I was sabotaging myself I was creating more of what I didn't want because of my

inability to handle my own feelings and emotions. So in a lot of ways I feel like we do that. We feel helpless and in our helplessness we turn to God which is a good thing. That's not a bad thing but the answer is actually that we have to develop ourselves more and develop our skills more so that we have the ability and the capability to handle the problems that are

thrown at us or come at us. It's kind of like there's a saying that sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He calms the sailor, right? And I think where we go wrong is not in turning to God, but in expecting Him or hoping or pleading, begging, demanding that He does things that we are fully capable of doing ourselves, but we're just not doing them. Or we're not aware that we're capable. We're not aware. We are capable, but we may not be aware of that. We might not know how.

We have limited skills, so we haven't been strategic enough. We haven't been thoughtful enough. We haven't put in the work and effort to figure it out. And so we just, or we don't want to put in the work and effort. And so I was like, couldn't you just do this? Please. And I just, you know, I'm not God, but I just think he's not going to do that. He will, he will be involved in our lives, but I just never see him doing things that he's already given us power to do for ourselves. Right. So yes, turn to him.

Rachel Denning (56:42.285)
But not for a thing. You don't be like, hey God, I don't really feel like doing push -ups. Could you just give me a little more pectoral muscles, little shoulder muscles here? Could you do a little miracle as though I did my push -ups? Could you give me some strength? It doesn't work like that. That sounds like a silly analogy, but I think it's actually an accurate one because we want God to help us control ourselves or help our children control themselves when in reality we are the ones that have to

quote unquote, do the pushups. We have to do it. That's the only way it works. And he's already given us so many formulas to figure this stuff out. Yeah. OK. So that's one aspect of it there. The obedience thing. We've kind of mentioned that, hinted at it a little bit, and talked about this. And I don't know where this came from, because I did grow up in a home, in a culture where obedience was important. And we started our family that way. And we did. We started our family with like,

Obedience, obedience, obedience, obedience. Like obedience is one of the highest virtues, you know? But over time I intuitively and naturally just felt like, that's not totally accurate. I don't think that's actually what I want for my kids. And I don't know how I came to these thoughts or beliefs, but I remember when our third son was probably two or three, he was kind of a little more difficult in a way. And...

Somehow though, I already had this special relationship with him that I was able to handle that. Like it didn't bother me as much as it could have. And I remember thinking, I don't want him to obey. I want him to make good decisions and to respect me and I want to respect him. I want to have mutual respect. And this is obviously true for all our kids. I want to have mutual respect for them. I respect them. They respect me. And then they make good choices. That's really what I want.

It's not that I want my children to obey me at all costs because I'm not God, I'm not perfect, I'm not, you know, I don't have all the answers. I want them to learn how to make choices on their own and learn how to make good choices. Right. Which is obedience. And I think this is worth emphasizing. That's the outcome we want for obedience. But I think it's the wrong way of getting there. It's not arbitrary obedience. Even with God. God doesn't want just arbitrary obedience. He doesn't want just little obedience soldiers.

Rachel Denning (59:04.525)
He wants fully developed, loving, God -like children who choose because of who they are. Because ultimately that's what the most important thing is, who you become and who they are. So then they choose good things. And so just by being a great person and making great choices, you are obeying.

So you're not, you're not just obeying, right? You're being good, which obedience is just kind of wrapped into that. It's just like, it's a natural consequence. It's a side effect. Yeah. It's a side effect of being good. So we, we, as parents, we want the side effect so bad that we're actually missing out on the bigger, better thing of who our children become. Yeah. Cause we're so caught up on obedience. Right. And it's kind of interesting because I would say our children, our children mostly are obedient.

but obedience has never been our goal, right? Like they do the things we ask, but it's not because we've asked them to do the things we ask per se, it's because we've developed this relationship of mutual respect. And the reason why I talk about respect is because this is how I started thinking about it. I thought I would never require Greg to be obedient to me. Like you must be obedient, or you wouldn't do that to me. Like you must obey me, wife. And I know that that's...

happens a lot some families and some cultures and things and I don't know that that's I don't think that's necessarily healthy but what how we do operate and how I do operate with other mature adults is on a system of respect I ask you for something and out of respect you do it for me right because I respect you because you respect me because you're respectable exactly right and so I thought that's our children are people too

they should be treated with the same sort of respect. I'm going to respect them and in return I teach them to respect me. So if I do something they ask it but not because they're afraid of me or they need to obey me but because they respect me and they do it out of that. That's the driving force in emotions, love and respect, not fear and obedience. So when we try to get obedience we rarely do.

Rachel Denning (01:01:22.509)
And especially when we're not looking, when a kid moves out or when we're not around, the obedience backfires. But when we strive to be the person we want our children to become, and they become that, then obedience is just a natural side effect. It happens. We get what we want by focusing on what's most important. I can't emphasize that enough. It's so important there.

So when I snap due to my kids not obeying, well one of the... We're reading the question again. I'm reading back to the question. One of the reasons that that's happening is first of all misaligned expectations. You're expecting obedience, but you're trying to get something. This is very often the case is that we're trying to get something we haven't necessarily earned. Because again, in all of this, the question here, not enough time is being spent in connecting and bonding.

So first of all, it's hard to get your kids to do anything if you're not spending time connecting with them. And then... And if that's not pleasant, you have to be pleasant to be around. You have to be enjoying each other. Yeah. And then like you said before, you have to be a respectable person. We think that our kids will respect us just because we gave birth to them and we fed them and we did all these things for them. They don't know and they don't care. That might sound harsh, but they...

don't know, they can't remember all of the sleepless nights. They can't remember all of the painful, you know, your back aching while you hold them and rock them to sleep. They don't know about all of that. And as difficult as it might be, you have to earn their respect every single day by being the kind of person who is respectable. And when you are a respectable person, they respect you and then they do the things that you ask them to do. That's how it works.

So every single day you're earning that love and respect by the way you act. And so if you're acting in ways that are not respectable, then of course the kids are not going to be quote unquote obeying because why would they? You haven't given them a real good reason. And just because you're the parent is not a good reason. And kids are smart enough to know that. I think this fits with some of the another point you make where like my...

Rachel Denning (01:03:45.069)
My kid doesn't want to do their studies. It's like kids are kids, man. And they want to learn and they want to play. And playing is learning. Yeah, playing is learning. But the kids don't want to do worksheets. Kids don't want to do the learning or education or the chores the way you see them or.

have designed them from your adult level thinking, they want to do things differently. And we just fight that. We resist it so much. It's like, it's like we're clueless that kids are kids. And it's like, well, stop being a kid and just think like I think and do what I do. Where if we would learn how to work with that, like, oh, this child is four. Let's work with the four year old brain and body to help them keep progressing up to five and keep learning and growing. And instead we fight it.

And then we get upset about it. Why does that four -year -old act like a four -year -old? Why don't they like this thing that I created from my 30 -year -old brain? It's like, oh yeah, they don't want to do it. They don't want the same things you do. And that's okay. That's great. Completely normal. And you're right. I think too many of the problems in family life come because we're fighting against reality. Exactly. The reality is you have to do the dishes, you have to do the laundry, and...

Your kids are these ages and they act those ages. That's reality. If you learn how to work with that instead of fighting against it, you've solved, again, that's half the battle right there. You make your life that much easier by learning how to work with those things instead of fighting against them. Beautiful. Anything else you want to hit before we wrap up? Um...

This was such a great question. It was so many beautiful things. Thank you again for asking, for articulating this, sharing this, because these are such relatable feelings and experiences for all of us. I think just, you know, in closing here, just emphasizing again, if you want joy, music, and beautiful feelings in your home, well, there is no way to that. That is the way. So identify, very specifically,

Rachel Denning (01:06:09.485)
What things bring more of that? One of them right here is obvious, music. Spend more time with music. Music playing, playing music, that will bring more joy, that brings more beauty, that brings more beautiful things in the home. So if you spend more of your time doing those things, that bring those things, you'll have more of those feelings in your home. And I know some of you are thinking, because I get to work with people every single day, but also because I used to think like this, I would hear things like this, I'm like, oh.

That's, I can't. You guys are so lucky. That's so nice. Like, I can't. Gosh, I wish my life were that easy, Dennings. I can't. Right? And I play this can't record, this program. I can't do that. I can't do that. And everything shifted for me and for us when we shifted our priorities for real. Not pretend, for real. And you've all.

heard or seen the rocks and pebbles and sand and water in the jar thing. And it's true when the big rocks go in first and the pebbles in the sand and the water, it all fits. But if you throw in the sand and then some water and then the pebbles and then the big rocks, it doesn't fit. And for the most part, you listeners, and I can say this boldly because I work with so many people, you're not putting in your priorities really, truly.

You say they're your priorities, but you're not living that way. And so when you, when Rachel says, if music matters so much to you, get up, play music. You're like, yeah, but I can't because the kid's this and this and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, there you go. There's your misaligned priorities. You're running around like crazy, running all these errands, do all these things. And if we were there in person, I'd say, hey, wait, what are you doing? Like, why I gotta run there? And I'm like, wait, why?

You told me music is super important, but you're running around frazzled, throwing all the kids in the van, just absolute mess, to run down the street because so -and -so wants something. Does so -and -so wanting something, is that one of your most important priorities in life? Like, why are you still participating in tribal events? Right? Like, check out of that crap. Say no to so much.

Rachel Denning (01:08:33.229)
Like if the mountains of laundry are stopping you from doing what you love, get rid of half of the laundry. And we're dead serious. I'm dead serious. Get rid of, only keep the most essential things and set up a system where your 10 year old does the laundry. Easy. A 10 year old easily can operate the machine and do, and fold the clothes and put them all away and to earn some things. So that just goes in a simple system. Done. Laundry taken care of. Now you get to play music.

But if you do something like that and then you don't play music or you don't spend time with your kids, it's not a matter of time, it's not a matter of stuff, it's not circumstances, it's you not actually living your priorities. If fitness matters that much to you, and it should, then you won't miss workouts. If learning and reading matters that much to you, then that's how you will do life with your kids. You'll spend time reading.

and you'll spend time reading yourself. If traveling matters as much as you say it does, then you will be out there traveling, not making excuses why you can't. It really comes down to making sure your priorities are actually your priorities. And watch, just do it. And then everything falls in place, and you're like, dang, that actually worked. Well, and then I can also see.

Mom saying, well, I can't actually do that because I go to sit down at the piano and all of my kids need me for something blah, blah, blah. And I understand because that's how kids operate. But that's only because you've trained them to behave in that way. And then you actually respond to them. And you get up from the piano and you leave. And they have now interrupted your piano playing or whatever, you know, instrument. If you train them to first fulfill their needs and you talk through it.

Okay, I'm going to get you breakfast or lunch and while you're eating, I'm going to go play the piano and when I'm done, we'll do this. And then if they come to the piano while you're playing and you say, hey, right now I got you your food, now I'm playing the piano, when I'm done, I'll take care of that thing, you're training your kids to respect your time. And you put the older kids on alert. Say, hey guys, I'm going to play the piano for 15 minutes.

Rachel Denning (01:10:48.237)
If there's something that comes up that they need, the little ones can't take care of it, will you do that for me? Will you be on call right now just for 15 minutes? And again, it's just systems and strategies and then it works. And of course they'll interrupt you and they'll keep trying. Don't be surprised when it doesn't work perfectly, but I'm saying this is, you just talk through it and you explain, this is how, hey, remember, this is how it works. Oh, remember every single day, every single time. Remember, this is my piano playing time.

Remember right now you do this while I play the piano. And then after a week or two, all of a sudden you'll be able to sit down and play for 15 minutes without an interruption and the house didn't burn down and you'll be like, it's a miracle. And you just do that one by one through all the important things in your life. And then you create this life that you dream of. And you become the person that you want your children to become. Yeah.

I love this. Love you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being willing to listen to this stuff. I know some of it will make you cry and well, I know it can't make you do anything because you're a sovereign being, but there's a lot here and Rachel, I just want to be totally honest and frank. So we're not kind of beating around the bush. We want to, we want to speak truthfully because this stuff legitimately works and

I wish you could all come stay with us for a week and see it in action. And you can come on trips with us. And those of you who come on trips, you've seen it. It just works. And we're not particularly special. You can do this. And that's our message. If we can do it, you can totally do it. Especially where we came from and where we are and where we're going, you can do this. You just have to be deliberate about it and make it happen. So if you guys, if you've heard anything in here that was helpful or good, you can leave a review for us.

share it with friends, family, colleagues, like get this out there because we want to share this with as many people as possible because we believe in families and a good family life is the best thing there is. It is the most fulfilling, most rewarding, joyful experience. There's nothing better than living an extraordinary family life.

Rachel Denning (01:13:11.373)
Genuinely, sincerely, it is, it's what it's all about and it's worth every effort. We can attest to that because we're living it and it's awesome. So love you guys, thanks for listening, thanks for being here. Reach out.