Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.222)
Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. I am recording this from a hotel in Bergen, Norway.

Greg and I are leading trips here. We are in the midst of our second Norway trip. The first one took place in Tromsø, 225 miles north of the Arctic Circle, where we fed reindeer, went dog sledding, and saw the Northern Lights while cruising the harbor. Our second trip spans from Oslo to Flam to Bergen and back, where we're cruising forwards, taking spectacular train rides, and learning about Viking and Hanseatic history. This week's podcast,

is an audio taken from an exclusive presentation we did for a paid summit. It discusses the strategies that we have used to create a truly happily ever after marriage. Many people don't know that an extraordinary marriage is possible because they have never been exposed to one. But living happily ever after is possible. That doesn't mean you'll be free from challenges or obstacles, but you can learn how to use them to bring you closer to your spouse,

and to strengthen your relationship. In this episode, Greg and I outline some of the ingredients to creating a happily ever after marriage. What does it actually take? We will outline it for you here. If you're interested in learning more about creating an extraordinary marriage, then make sure to sign up for our Extraordinary Marriage Masterclass. It includes a 30 day action plan, a nine day challenge, and over 20 hours of video instruction from me and Greg.

Click the link in the show notes for a special discount.

Rachel Denning (01:49.421)
If you enjoy this episode or any of our episodes, would you please do us a favor and leave us a review on Apple podcasts or at our website, podcast .extraordinaryfamilylife .com. When you leave us a rating and a review, it helps to make this world a better place by getting this podcast into the ears of more parents. Parents are the molders and shapers of the future generations. We all need all the help we can get to be the best people and the best parents we can.

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Rachel Denning (02:52.877)
Hey guys, we are Greg and Rachel Denning, happy to be here and to talk about creating an happily ever after marriage. We have been married for 20, almost 22 years. 21 and a half. Yep, and seven kids. And we have an awesome life and extraordinary marriage genuinely. And we've created, really from the very beginning, we've created an awesome lifestyle. With a lot of hard work.

Yeah. And deliberate focus, right? Because I, so my parents divorced when I was young and stepdads came and went. So I saw a lot of marriage divorce and then I ended up out of my own early and then started sort of noticing, right? Noticing families and desperately wanting a happy family. So I started writing about it, thinking about it. And then Rachel, by the time I met her, she had had, she'd been engaged and then broken off engagement and got you really thinking about.

What do I want? What does she want? We both had actually made a list of what we wanted in our future spouse. And yeah, we were very intentional about what we were looking for and the kind of, well, I think what gave us power from the get -go in our marriage, which this is a tool that anyone can use no matter where you are in your marriage, was we had a shared passion. And at the time that passion was reading. Both of us were very passionate about reading.

And we began, well, I even got a second date. Yeah, first date, we were talking about books. And I got the second date because of the books I was reading and the conversations we had. And so we started there. And we're going to talk about this later in these things that are the recipe or the ingredients for a happily ever after marriage.

But one of them was we had these shared passion, these shared vocabulary, this shared philosophy and approach. And a shared, some of our vision was shared. There was some overlap, but more it was a shared desire. We wanted to have a great marriage. And so now, you know, our life is unique. We work together as business partners and we do, we work from home. So we're always together and we do home education.

Rachel Denning (05:12.077)
And we love to travel with our family, take our kids all over the globe. We've been doing that for a lot of years. And so we are together all the time. The vast majority of the last, what, 10 or 15 years we've had three meals a day together, all of us. We love being together. And so we realize our lifestyle is unique and people were like, how can you be together so much? And all this stuff. We love it. We absolutely love it. But we love it because...

We've been intentional about it and we've made it pleasant and exciting and wonderful because without those skills, without these things that we're going to share with you, yeah, it could be a hell instead of a heaven. It could be so miserable. But you're right. We don't just let it happen. We make it happen. Yeah. And we don't use hope as a strategy. I hope this works out. I hope we have a good marriage. We're going to figure this out. We're going to do what it takes to make it happen.

So, and the cool thing is part of our work together, we get to coach other couples and individuals as well. So we're almost daily working with individuals or couples about their marriages, about family life. We do a podcast together called the Extraordinary Family Life podcast, and we do group coaching for all around family life. And we just love this stuff. And so we're writing books, we're working on this, we're working with couples all the time. So we wanted to share today,

really three things that we feel like make a huge difference in the quality and final outcome of our marriages. And it's worked in our marriage and it's worked with other couples that we've observed and worked with. So the first thing I want to start out with is understanding yourself. It's really understanding. So the first one is understanding, but that includes understanding yourself, understanding your spouse, and then specifically understanding personalities.

Mm -hmm. So I think as a part of that though, it also includes in this understanding your spouse, understanding yourself, it includes understanding men and women. Yes. And I know for me, when we started our marriage, I kind of had this belief of like, oh, those stereotypes about men and women, like, that's silly. I don't need to pay attention to that. I'm different. He's different. But the reality is, yeah, we are different, but.

Rachel Denning (07:36.365)
those things still apply. There are things about being a man that when I understand that, that makes our relationship better and vice versa. When he understands things about being a woman that are true for me, it makes our relationship better. And so I think that's an important part to also not discount like I did when we were first married. It makes a big difference when you can understand that men and women are different.

And we fought it, at least I fought it early on. And I see couples all the time, they're still fighting it. It's like, instead of just accepting and recognizing, oh, that's interesting. And again, it's a generalization. Most women do these things or prefer these things or think this way and do that. And most men, right? You see the differences. And even if it's very specific to you, stop fighting it. I'd be like, well, why? Why do you do that? I wouldn't do it. Why do you do that? And all the while I'm like, well, I know men and women are different, but.

I just kept thinking, well, babe, I think about it like this. This is how I see it. Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that. And, and you're fighting it this whole time. Like trying so hard. Yeah. You're trying so hard to get you to change or to stop being a woman. And I'm like, what am I doing? But we see this all the time. We see wives trying to get their husbands to, to not be so much like a man. And.

And men try to, well, would you stop being such a woman? And then they're not phrasing like that, but they're trying to get them to stop things. And so like you're saying is like, once you, you get it, you're like, I remember when this happened to me, I was like, what? And then as long as I remember it, and this is key gentlemen, as long as I remember it, I'm like, oh, like that doesn't mean what she's doing doesn't mean the same thing as if I were doing it. So if she doesn't, I do it a different meaning.

And we have to separate that like, oh, okay, she's doing that. Oh, cool. All right. I'll sit here and listen and let's be great. All good. But if I'm sitting there like, well, if I was doing that, totally different blogging. And so it's understanding differences in men and women. Some really great books that helped us. It's worth sharing them is for men only and for women only. Which specifically those two books are.

Rachel Denning (09:51.917)
understanding the differences between men and women when it comes to sex, which is also a huge part. And we're going to mention it later as well. It's a huge part of your relationship. And so when you can understand what sex means to a man versus what sex means to a woman, that changes everything. And that one, speaking of don't fighting again, don't fight against it, right? That's, that's critical. There's differences there. And when you understand those differences and work with them,

It's a game changer. Totally transforms the marriage. That's huge. But as far as understanding the differences between men and women and how they communicate, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, is a must read book for all couples. Another pair of books is Wild at Heart, which is about men, and Captivating, which is about women. Those are just five books that are really helpful. It will change your life.

Yeah. As you begin to understand yourself again, yeah, male and female and then individual preferences and differences and what like, again, this is deep, right? We can spend hours and hours and hours talking about just the subject. And we do because yeah, in our coaching, this comes out in our courses. It comes out. But you understand yourself as like understanding your background, your perspective, your mindset, what you're bringing way from your past and how it has colored your perspective.

the meaning that you have for so many things, the marriage, what marriage means, the meaning you have, what you think a wife should be like, what you think a husband should be like, a parent, all this stuff comes into it. And we all just need heightened awareness. Like the people who have the best marriages are really self -aware and really situational aware. And that takes some practice, but like everything we're gonna share today is learnable. That's the coolest part of it all.

Because we have learned exactly how to we did not start here. We did not. We started with some real direction and desire, but we had to learn all this stuff. And as we learned it like that changed everything. And so get to a place where you're more aware of you and your strengths and your weaknesses. Some of you, you'll just do like a self examination, just like you go in for an eye exam or a medical exam. You just kind of do a self examination and you get to this honest place. You're like, man, you know what?

Rachel Denning (12:12.525)
One of my weaknesses is I'm just coming up with something, you're like, I'm really impatient. And so, man, I get, this comes up a lot. I hear this one often. The dad or mom gets impatient with the little kids at bedtime. And so it turns into a battle. Well, that battle affects your marriage and your spouse's view of you and opinion of you, right? And so it starts to play in and it's just one more.

One more thing, one more. And if it's death by a thousand cuts, there's another cut and there's another cut, right? And so that's just one element you realize, oh man, that's a weakness of mine. And when you start focusing in on that and have that awareness and work on it, boom, transforms the marriage. Absolutely. Part of the understanding piece too that we wanted to talk about is not just understanding men and understanding women, but also understanding individual personalities.

And I wanted to mention another resource that we've used. Jordan Peterson has a personality test at understandmyself .com and you can go through and take that test and then you can share the results. Yeah, we do. And we did it ourselves and then we did it with our older teens and we laughed and laughed and joked and played and learned and cried. I mean, it is so good. Yes. But you go through and you get to gain more awareness.

of yourself and the personality. Personality isn't permanent, it is changeable, but you get to understand where you are now and why you might see things a different way than your spouse sees them. And having this personality test and this understanding and the shared vocabulary, which we're going to talk more about in a minute, gives you a lot of power to be able to communicate, to connect, to understand each other. And so those types of things as well can be very beneficial. Now,

We do want to say that we're not a big fan of most personality tests, but this one specifically is very powerful and it's very well researched and documented. So it's a good source. So instead of labeling you and giving you a color or a letter or something, it just gives you a spectrum of the major personalities that all humans have. Five personality traits that every person has. And so it puts you on a scale. You're like, here you are on this scale. And man, this was so insightful. It unlocks so much. So.

Rachel Denning (14:33.997)
all the things we're experiencing or seeing or saying, and we now use it as a shared vocabulary. We talk about it, we'll laugh about it, joke about it, and be like, oh, again, the understanding of why I do things in the way she does things, not only men and women and not only as individuals, but it's just personality types. And that is so fun. But one example is the scale of neuroticism. Which means your sensitivity.

to negative emotions. To negative emotions. And so if you're higher in neuroticism, it's you tend, again, this isn't good or bad, it's just tendencies, right? And so if you're higher in neuroticism, you tend to see things more negatively. So you would see past, present or future in a more negative light, which - Well, why I was just gonna add, which in general, back to the understanding of the differences between men and women, women generally are higher in neuroticism.

they have a tendency to focus more on negative emotion. Now, one of the reasons for that, of course, is biological. We are the caretakers of infants and the survival of the species. And so we pay attention more to the things that could go wrong because it could lead to the death of a child and you don't want that to happen. That's a biological reason that women are higher in neuroticism. Where some guy might be like,

what could possibly go wrong here? Everything will be great. And then put the whole family's life at risk, right? So an interesting one there, I literally got a zero, like none. On the scale of neuroticism. I'm like, I'm all the way at the far far end, right? And Rachel came in just shy of half or somewhere. Yeah, it was like 56. It was somewhere around half. And so we joke like, wow, you're 56 times more neurotic than I am.

And it's a joke between us, but it gives us understanding of how she thinks about things and how I think about things. It also, it was fascinating that it brought clarity to experiences we'd had in the past. We would always talk about, well, remember this time? And it was like this. And I remember this part of it. And you remember this. It's all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. And she's like, that was such a hard time. But you forgot about all of this part of it. But none of that even mattered. It was amazing. But it brought more clarity.

Rachel Denning (16:52.269)
clarity and understand, oh, now I understand why we, it could experience the same thing, but see it through a different lens. And have totally different memories of it. Exactly. That was amazing. So do that. And one of the cool things about that is if you take it as a spouse, each of you take it, then it will give you a shared result. It'll say, oh, you came in this score, you came to the score. This is what it might mean for you guys. And here's some things you need to pay attention to and work on. Yeah, it's awesome. So number one, understand yourself better. Again, a lot of.

reflection, meditation, writing, journaling, just thinking through, think through who you are, why you do things, what you do, take some personality tests, read some great books, understand the sexes, game changer. Because then you start approaching each other differently because you understand each other and yourself better. Number two is getting on the same page. This has probably been one of the most important things for our marriage. We have often been, most of the time, been on the same page.

Now we didn't necessarily start on the same page, but we sought to get there. That does not mean we agree on everything. Yes. Being on the same page does not mean you agree about everything. Nor does it mean you like the same things. Right. Right? Nor does it mean like we, like, I'm going to totally let go of things I'm passionate about, things I love, my pursuits as an individual. Like, oh, some, I hear this often like, well, I'm going to sacrifice everything in self.

be here. And I don't think I mean, there's some goodness to that. But there's not in the long term. It's detrimental. It's too much self denial. So we don't have to like everything like we like very, very different things. Right. Great. I like crazy, huge, epic adventures. And she's like, have fun. I'll take a picture when you get back. Right. Take a picture of you doing it from a distance, like whatever right.

And so I love those things and she loves her things. And when we realized that like, wait a minute, I'm, I'm thrilled to support you in your stuff. And she does that for me. You kind of made it sound like I have no things like you couldn't think of something. What do you like, babe? And it's, and this is funny. Again, one of our differences, you guys, if you get to know us, when you get to know us, you'll see things that were very similar. And a lot of things we are.

Rachel Denning (19:14.253)
So vastly different. And I love a lot of things. I just love life. I love big, big adventures. Like every two or three months, I got to go jump out of an airplane or go climb some huge mountain or go do something crazy. And like it doesn't show up on a radar. And I'm kind of laughing here because I'm thinking I like to make those adventures come true. I'm the logistics person. I'm the one planning all the things and doing, which I love to do. And I bring

all of these adventures to life through the actual implementation of the logistics. And I never even think about logistics. Actually, I'm better because of Rachel. Like, plan what? Let's just go. And she's like, we're not going anywhere until we plan everything. And so it's awesome. Like huge differences that now have become so complimentary. Yes. But we had to work through that. So coming back to getting on the same page and Rachel, go ahead. I wanted to add this because I think maybe we can explain this idea of getting

on the same page in this, if you think about a literal page, you're looking at it and it has words on it. And when you're looking at the words, you can both see the words and you can use the same words. And that's kind of what we wanna do. We want to be able to have a shared vocabulary, a shared approach, a shared vision. Or philosophy. One thing that we have seen that's hugely helpful for ourselves and for the couples we work with is having this shared vocabulary. Very often,

couples have a hard time communicating because they have different definitions for the words they're using. So they might say support, and that means one thing for you. Here, support means all of this. Yes. And it may be like totally loaded from my past. I've got this huge manual on what it means to be supportive, right? As an example. But what I'm talking about when I use the word support is this.

And so I'm talking about this and you're talking about this and we're kind of like, why can't we get on the same page here? And you say, I need support. And I'm like, are you kidding me? I have been so supportive. I can't, how dare you even suggest I've not been supportive. Like over here in my mind, I'm checking off the whole list and she's like, but I'm talking about this support. This isn't even on my list. Right. Well, it just comes up. I got to bring this up because this comes up a lot where.

Rachel Denning (21:41.133)
one of the spouses is sitting there in their mind with total conviction and sincerity saying, everything I'm doing, I'm doing for you. Without ever stopping to ask, wait a minute, what is it you want me to do? I'm doing what I think you want. Without ever consulting like, no, this is what I really want from you. Right. And part of that comes from not being on the same page. You already have...

your background, your history, your trauma, your experiences, you're bringing all of that and saying, this is what I need to be doing to be a good husband, to be a good spouse, where I'm coming from a different place with different expectations and you're not even getting close to that. And that's why there's confusion and breakdown in communication. So when we can learn to get on the same page by literally using the same words, it changes everything. And one of the best ways to do that,

is by reading the same books and listening to the same podcasts or watching the same videos. Because when you do that and someone explains the concept, you can then use the words that they're using in your own relationship and you both know exactly what you're talking about because you watch the same video. And so it builds a framework or a scaffolding and you don't have to necessarily agree. It's often just a touch point for communication or discussion or dialogue. We're like, well, that's interesting. I'm glad we read that.

I kind of like to see it differently. Let's try reading something else. Let's try listening to something else. But let's talk through this. Where we see couples fail here is they just totally avoid subjects. Or when the topic comes up, it turns into a battle immediately. And because they're using different vocabulary, different perceptions, I'm not even talking. And they don't know how to bridge that gap. Because as soon as I bring this up, oh, it's going to be a storm again. And I don't want the storm. So we just go along for years like...

Not talking about it. Let's not talk about that. And so do whatever you can do to get on the same page where to get a shared vocabulary, a shared philosophy, a shared approach. Even if you do disagree on certain things, how can you get in the same direction or the same framework, even if it's slightly different? Right now.

Rachel Denning (24:05.517)
obviously want to bring some kind of alignment. Otherwise we feel like we're pulling against each other. So instead of pulling together carrying this whole load of life and family and work and raising kids and all this stuff, building a legacy, you're, you start pulling in different directions. And so all this power and all this energy and all this goodness is being wasted and going nowhere. So it's all the strain and no movement where if you can just bring that in alignment, then you put the effort between the two of us now.

we can go so much farther and so much faster. So number two is critical. Get on the same page. Number three, I love this one. Number three is you have to become really good at several things. If we're going to have an extraordinary marriage, a marriage that is genuinely happily ever after, there's no other alternative. Because...

Will you tell me what happens if you suck at communication and you just say, well, that's just the way I am. No one ever taught me. That's just, I've always been that way. And you just stay sucky at communication. It's this huge limiting factor in the quality of your marriage. And so you start looking at all the things you have to do and you're like, okay, there's several things here. I just know their option, no alternative. This is non -negotiable.

we all just have to become really good at several things. Well, because I think the point here is that what many people don't realize is that all of those things, communication, being one of them, are learnable. They are skills that you can gain.

where we tend to believe, oh, I'm just not good at that. Too bad. When that's not true. Everything that makes up a good marriage is actually a skill that you can learn how to do. Just like I mentioned before, personality isn't permanent. In fact, there's a book with that very title sitting right behind us here. You can change those things. And so when you are committed to making your marriage great,

Rachel Denning (26:18.797)
then you're basically committing to getting really good at the skills required to make a great marriage. Exactly. Exactly. So with the desire and then the commitment to have a world -class marriage, which I hope you all have that, I think you all do. And you're here watching this, so kudos and honor to you for doing that. But I haven't talked to anyone who's like, nah, I'm totally good with like a pretty miserable marriage. If we're going to be married.

Married, you know, it's okay, but miserable. Let's just be mediocre. So Rachel and I were joking about this the other day. Like you go through your whole life, get to the end of your life and like, wow, that was just so okay. Our marriage was just so, you know, just okay. That was great. Thanks. So you want to have an awesome marriage. Why not? If extraordinary is possible, if happily ever after is possible, why would you settle for okay? Why would you settle for merely good? And so -

All of this is learnable. And so I love the way you're saying that, babe. It's like, if I'm committed, if I genuinely want it and I do, then with that comes this commitment to push past the discomfort and get good at all the things that matter and break through the fixed mindsets of, well, that's just the way I am. Well, I can't do anything about that. Why don't you just love me as I am? We never.

ever use that kind of talk in our marriage, even before when we started dating, before we married, like, Hey, babe, I will never expect you to love me as I am, because I'm getting better. Right? I'm never going to level off and be like, this is it. I've arrived. This is what you got, babe. Hope you like it. I guess just that's, that would be a terrible attitude for me to have towards towards my wife, to just take me as I am, because I know I can be better. And so

What are some of those things you have to be really good at? Well, communication is one of them. And that comes with practice and study. So read books on it, listen to podcasts on it. Like men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Huge. That's, that one is so good about communication. So, um, work on that. Talk about practice talking and having dialogue. Um, many of us struggle with that, especially in marriage, cause it feels really sensitive and it feels like it has all these implications and.

Rachel Denning (28:40.941)
ladies and gentlemen, we take things too personally. If I take everything that Rachel says personally, oh man, like we're never gonna get anywhere. And so we've gotta be able to talk openly. And we've got to this place now where we can talk about anything. And it's open, we just have this dialogue. And in fact, we have this commitment, like we won't just.

keep going forward with life if there's something that needs to be discussed. You're particularly adamant about that. Well, and what that means is, partly because we have this flexibility in our lives, if there's something off between us, we pause work, we pause homeschooling, and we fix that because we know from experience that when things are smooth and flowing between us, then...

Everything else is smooth and flowing in the family, in the house, in the homeschooling, in the business. But when it's off, it's like, what's the point? Why work on the business? Why homeschool the kids? Because you're fighting and you're kicking against the pricks because when it's off between our, in our relationship, everything else is off too. And we have seen this also in other families. Their marriage is off and everything else becomes that much more of a struggle because they're not fixing the hub.

which is their relationship. Huge. So in a way, like if there's something that needs to be discussed, hit the brakes and address it. And it might be tough, man. It's not always pleasant and easy when you're like, okay, we gotta talk about this. It's tough, but work through it. Don't just leave it festering there for weeks or months or years. Okay. Or decades. Or decades, as the case may be. Get really, the second one, get really, really good at dating.

Go on dates all the time. And I know you know that already. I know you've heard that, but are you doing it? Are you going on dates all the time? And are they good dates? Not just like, let's go to the movie and eat crappy popcorn again. It's not even good popcorn. It's not even good popcorn. And you're not talking. You're not connecting. You're just sitting there at theater. So go on good dates and date each other. And the longer you've been married, the more important this is going to be.

Rachel Denning (31:04.845)
Right? You hit 10, 15, 20 years. You've got to be dating. That's huge. So get really good at dating. Not just dating, but doing getaways, spending weekends and even weeks. So we took a two week trip to Portugal just in a few months ago. Just, and we do that every year. So we take, we're just like, take a big long trip, just the two of us, 10 to 14 days every year. And.

Then every quarter we try to go away for two to three nights and about every four to six weeks we have some kind of overnighter. And that rhythm, in addition to our dates, that rhythm is amazing because in spite of having seven kids and multiple business ventures and investment properties and projects and hobbies, we've got to carve out time for us. Game changer. So awesome. Love that one. Related to that, get really good at your friendship.

Are you guys best friends? Can you talk about things? It's amazing. We, we get, we're coaching couples and they don't, they, they don't or can't even talk about the simplest thing. They don't hang out together. They don't have fun together. They don't have shared interests or passions or hobbies or projects. It becomes very transactional. So, you know, you slip into the roommate syndrome, you just being roommates or managing the kids or the house. So,

You take care of this, I'll take care of this. Okay, good night. Right? Blah, man, that's lame. When marriage could be so romantic and so fun and you can be best friends and keep the spark and the fun. If you're not like laughing and crying and enjoying, just in really enjoying your life and your marriage, maybe it's this piece here where you're not great friends.

And again, this is learnable, right? Don't just be like, Oh, we're not friends. This is going to suck or maybe we should end it. Like, no, become friends. I think you can do it. It's amazing. So, so get really good at being friends. Um, let's do sex. Get really good at sex. And we've done and do training courses on this. It's included in our extraordinary marriage course and

Rachel Denning (33:27.821)
And the way we see it, sex is the linchpin of your marriage. It's the hub that's holding all the spokes of the marriage wheel in place. And the whole family wheel is really built on good sex. Well, because if we've used this analogy before, if your marriage is the hub of your family life and your business and your community and the family, I said family. Which it is. Which it is. It's huge.

it is the hub of all of those things than the even more central hub, the linchpin, is sex. Because without the sex in the relationship, in the marriage, you are just roommates. But it's not the same type of power that's available to you when you're not just roommates, but you're lovers and best friends. When you have all of those pieces together, it's like magic. It's magic for your marriage, which is magic for your life. And it's sexy.

And it's, and it's awesome. And instead of sex, because we get to work with a lot of couples, we know that sex has become a big source of contention instead of connection. And so again, whatever it's been, whatever the past has been, you can, you can do this differently. You can change your perspective about it. And as we were early on in our marriage, man, this was a source of contention and frustration and like, you know, I want, I want

this about it, she wants this and we were on separate pages. We didn't have the understanding we were talking about. We were on the same page like we're talking about and we weren't very good at it. We didn't have a shared vocabulary about it. I do want to say that because I know that we have talked to couples before they're like, oh yeah, we're having sex, but it was more of a duty sex, especially on the part of the woman.

she was doing it because she thought, oh, you've got to have sex to have a good marriage. And so, you know, we just have sex and that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about lovers. We're talking about being fully engaged, wanting it, wanting it to be a part of your life, enjoying it. That's when it becomes magical, not just because, oh yeah, we're supposed to have sex. So, okay, I guess we will. And I was going to emphasize one part there is.

Rachel Denning (35:42.029)
some of the couples aren't really enjoying it. Again, it's transactional instead of transformational. You go through the most sense and you're like, yeah, we had sex and yeah, last week we had sex three times. Yeah. We're like, now did you make love? Was it amazing? Do you both orgasm? We talked to women sometimes and they're like, I don't even know if I've ever had an orgasm. We just have sex. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Let's...

make sure we're getting really good at sex. Another thing that we gotta be really good at is solving problems and preventing problems. Man, family life is so much better if you become a master of solving problems and preventing problems, right? If you're constantly creating problems, if you're a problem storm, then you get a cleaning up, you're making this way harder than it needs to be. Well, which includes something simple like learning to be good at making decisions. We're often surprised at how...

Ineffective people are making decisions. If you can learn how to make decisions and you can learn how to solve problems and you, you reduce a lot of friction in family and married life. In life in general. Yeah, man. You make it so hard because you avoid making decisions or you, you're operating in an old framework you have. And so you're pretty chronically making poor decisions. And man, that just, you may, you're, you're taking something as challenging as it is and making it really hard.

Right? So then just go through your life and just think through each of you can do this and there'll be some common denominators for all of us, but then there'll be some unique things for you and your family. Just like, wait a minute, what do I need to be really good at here? And for some of you, it'll be learning. For some of you, it'll be energy and vitality and health. Others, it'll be managing mental health in the whole family. In fact, that's critical. That's absolutely indispensable. You...

We've got to in our families, make sure that we as individuals are maintaining good mental health, then as a couple, then with our children. That's non -negotiable. You have to manage that. But you can go through everything, right? Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and financial. You've got to get really good at the financial game. Otherwise, I promise that will have an impact on your marriage. Because ultimately, I just want to emphasize this one last thing.

Rachel Denning (38:07.693)
We love to teach this idea of this extraordinary family life formula and it's a complete wheel. And all of these things that you're mentioning affect everything else. So if you want to have this happily ever after marriage, then you also have to be looking at these other pieces because your finances are affecting your marriage, your health is affecting your marriage, your spirituality is affecting your marriage. All of it is interconnected. And so by improving the parts, we are actually improving the whole. Fantastic.

Thanks for being here guys. Marriage, yeah, marriage is, it's the best. Can't believe one time I went 23 years without it. It was miserable, lonely, sad years. It's incredible. And in our life experience with so many people, we've seen it as either the greatest source of happiness and meaning fulfillment, or literally the greatest source of misery.

and suffering. Marriage matters so much that cannot be emphasized enough. And it's worth every effort that you put into it to get really, really good at several things, to get on the same page and to understand yourself and understand your spouse. And if you'll work on those things consistently and again, want to reemphasize here, it's all learnable. It's all learnable. You can practice, you can study it.

And I'm telling you, we've seen couples do this. We've done ourselves within weeks. Your marriage, it's a totally different feel. I mean, it is this change. Like I can't, I can't believe that just a few weeks ago, we were at that level and how much of a change. So put in, put in the effort, um, have that desire and cultivate the desire and the longing to have a genuinely extraordinary marriage that happily ever after marriage.

And then if we can help reach out, connect with us on social, uh, check out the podcast, reach out, ask questions, but we're, we are advocates of an awesome marriage because it's the best. And thank you for being here and thanks for caring. And remember one last higher. If your spouse isn't on board and you feel like you're the only one working on it, do not hesitate to keep growing because even one person can totally transform.

Rachel Denning (40:35.085)
As you grow and you become more, it automatically adds to the marriage and even one person working on it can transform marriage. Love you guys. Thanks for watching. Reach upward.