Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:11.086)
We've all had the experience of being around someone who's grumpy, even our spouse or children, and then soon felt grumpy as well. A mother of multiple children recently asked us, when the people around me, AKA my children, are grumpy, negative, or down, how do I not let that affect me? Negative emotions and grumpiness are an inevitable and normal part of life.

But when those around you are moody or grumpy, how do you keep that from bringing you down as well? Is it possible to stay happy or positive in such cases? And if so, how? And is it possible to positively influence those around you so that they can better process their negative emotions and return more quickly to a positive state? With deliberate intention and focus, it is possible to become the rising tide that lifts all boats.

you can become a great force for good in your family and develop the skill of maintaining positivity, not fake masked happiness, but true appropriate positive emotion that becomes a stabilizing force in your most important relationships. This episode is very real and relevant to anyone has to interact regularly with people who aren't always happy, which is especially true if you're married or have children or plan on it one day. Make sure to listen until the end where we ask

How do you want your children to remember you emotionally? What kind of person do your children see you as and what emotional memory will they have of you? We'll discuss all this and more in this very practical discussion between parents of seven children with 20 plus years of experience. If you enjoy this episode or any of our episodes, would you please do us a favor and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or at our website, podcast .extraordinaryfamilylife .com.

When you leave us a rating and a review, it helps to make this world a better place by getting this podcast into the ears of more parents. Parents are the molders and shapers of the future generations. We all need all the help we can get to be the best people and the best parents we can. Families with thriving parents raise thriving children who grow up to have a positive impact on their own families and communities, which leads to better nations and a better world. So you can have an impact.

Rachel Denning (02:31.278)
by taking a minute to share the podcast with someone who will benefit from it and by leaving a rating or review. And make sure to follow us on Instagram if you're not already. You can find us at WorldSchoolFamily or at greg .denny. Thank you so much for listening. We appreciate you. But let's get into this useful and much needed episode.

Rachel Denning (02:59.534)
Hey, everybody, welcome to the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. We are your hosts, Greg and Rachel Denning. We are the creators of the Extraordinary Family Life formula because we're the creators of an awesome Extraordinary Family Life that we live. And Rachel's writing a book, and I am writing a book and actually thoroughly enjoying this process. And life is so good, isn't it, babe?

Yes. Yes, dear. Whatever you say. Whatever you say, dear. I didn't mean to sound like that. We have so much going on in life right now, and it's so busy and overwhelming, but it's awesome. What's the alternative? An underwhelming life? No, thank you. That would be lame. That would be so lame. So today, we got a really great question. And the question was, how do you not let...

your kids, when your kids get in a negative funk or a family funk or your spouse, when the people around you like are grumpy or down or negative, when they have a bad attitude, how do you not let that affect you? In other words, how do you not get pulled down or dragged down? I like that word, dragged down. How do you not get dragged down by the people who are in your proximity when they go negative?

And it's a phenomenal question. And it's a legitimate challenge. And a very legitimate challenge. It's particularly.

I think maybe we've lost touch with this a little bit because our family dynamic is so positive. Overall positive. Yeah, like the vast majority of the time. 80 plus percent for sure. I would say like 98.

Rachel Denning (04:56.27)
Point 80%. You are higher in optimism than I am. I have more neuroticism than you do. That's Rachel's neuroticism. That's her negativity coming out there saying we're only 80 % good. 80 % positive. It's a very tiny, tiny issue in our family because we've been so deliberate and intentional about it from the get -go. So we learned how to do this early on, so we've created the result. Yes.

definitely started with you. So this is, I think it's a great example of, you love to say, a rising tide lifts all boats. I mean, this is a great example of that. You are the one who started out being positive and you started doing that before we met as a teenager. Because of this very thing, I was around, well, man, as a teen, I was in bad neighborhoods around.

either toxic people or discouraged people or negative people. Or legitimately depressed and suicidal people. Really dark spots. And I got jobs in those areas at gas stations in the bad part of town. These grindy restaurants and movie theaters and like manual labor. I was working around very negative people. And I felt it. Like you felt it. We all feel it. We have these mirror neurons and we're experiencing life socially and you sense.

the heaviness and the negativity. So it's a real challenge. You're going along and you're around people and I just remember before I met you, I'm like, I'm sick of this, man. I'm sick of negative people putting their negativity all over me, just sliming me with their pessimism. I'm done with this crap. And so I did, I wrestled with the same thing. I'm like, is it possible to be positive when others are negative? So there's your first question.

You gotta wrestle with that in your own mind. Is it possible for you to be positive when others are negative? And inevitably, everyone I've ever asked that to, they're like, well, yeah, it's hard, but it's possible. Yes, it's possible. And I even ask, I've had clients who have had chronic illnesses or tough pregnancies, and I'll ask them too, is it possible to be happy even when you don't feel well?

Rachel Denning (07:24.174)
And they've all told me, yeah, it is. So we start with this basic framework of it's possible for you to operate independently of what's going on around you. You're independent of the circumstances of other people. So if they're negative, it doesn't mean you have to be negative. We have to start with that framework. Right, because you're opening up your mind to this realm of possibility because otherwise, it's...

maybe unconsciously, if we're not thinking about it, we think, oh, that's not possible. I can't be happy. If everyone's going to be down, I go down too. And so why are we even having this conversation if you don't start with the premise of like, wait a minute. Unless you consciously realize, oh, wait, no, that is a possibility. And one of the reasons we know it's a possibility is because of, what is it, extreme examples. Let's say the hiding place and the hiding place. Exactly. That's where I was going. Man search for meaning.

The Gift by Edith Eager, like these examples of extreme circumstances where ultimately they walked away. That's a message of Man's Search for Meaning. He walked away saying, despite your circumstances, you have the ability to choose how you will respond. Your attitude of mind. That is the major takeaway of something like a concentration camp. So that's powerful right there. So you're right. If you consciously say, OK, yes.

it is possible for me to choose how I will respond despite the circumstances or the situation or the people I'm... And I'm sure that's exactly where I got it because I read those books when I was 17. Yeah, you're right. That's where it started. And I'm in this bad part of town and life is horrible and sad. I'm surrounded by people committing terrible crimes and living these just wretched lives of misery and I was miserable.

And I'm reading The Hiding Place and reading Man's Search for Meaning. And they're like, no, the one freedom nobody can ever take from you is your attitude and the thoughts you choose to have and how Betsy had compassion for the Nazi guards. I feel so bad for them. They're so much worse off than we are. And I'm reading that as a 17 -year -old going, what? No, man, it's me. Like, I'm the sad one here. I'm the victim.

Rachel Denning (09:48.046)
And it totally changed things. And I realized, wait a minute, I can choose. So if they can do it in that, I can easily do it at work where people are negative. So you start with that framework. And then I think the next step is, what would you like to do? Who would you like to be in those difficult situations? You have to be able to visualize it. You have to see it. You have to picture it. How would I respond to this as my best self?

Or as my positive self. Or my positive self, right? When others are negative, what do I want to do? And you have to play that out ahead of time. Right. It's like the spiritual creation before the physical creation. So in your mind, be like, OK, let's pretend I go out and run some errands. I go to work and I come home and man, everyone's in a bad mood. And they're all fighting with each other. This is all a bit ugly. And instead of you jumping in the fight and jumping into the diving headfirst into the drama,

would you like to behave? And you think through it mentally before you're actually in that situation. In fact, some of the ways you do this is by anticipating it. This is one of the things that years ago I remember us thinking that I think we listened to Wayne Dyer and he said something about it that it's actually neurotic for us to expect our kids to not get upset.

or to not fight. It's actually crazy for us to think they're going to be perfectly happy all the time. They're going to not fight. They're going to get along all the time. So in reality, we should be anticipating that these things are going to happen. We're going to come home, or we're going to come downstairs, and they're going to be fighting, or they're going to be doing something disturbing or frustrating or irritating. They are going to make messes. They're going to embarrass you. Yeah.

I remember thinking, our kids will never embarrass us. Because I would see other parents in embarrassing situations before we had kids. And I was like, my kids will never embarrass us. Man, was that silly. And so if you anticipate that instead and mentally walk through this role playing in a way, saying, OK, I know I'm going to go downstairs. I know I'm going to get home from work. And my kids are going to be grumpy. How am I going to respond to that?

Rachel Denning (12:12.43)
Now, a little caveat here. That might actually become negative forecasting. You might actually become negative thinking about the negative things that are potential. I know my kids are going to be. Oh, I'm already in a bad mood. I haven't even gone home, because I know as soon as I get home, my kids will be in a bad mood. And you're like, whoa, man. You're setting that fire. So you do this from a really positive state, where you're like, OK, I mean, it's human nature. And again, if you train your kids and raise your kids well and you have a good relationship,

this will get rarer and rarer. It's like in our family, it's really rare. Kids generally don't fight and they're pretty positive. Like we have a really great family dynamic because we've been intentional about it. I don't say that to brag. I say that, I share that literally as hope and proof. Like if you're intentional about it, like the results are real. They're real and they're tangible and they're awesome. But if you can anticipate some kind of scenario, if it's happened before, it may happen again.

walk through it and picture it. Say, OK, my kids, let's say a couple of my kids get into a fight. How do I want to handle it? How would I handle it for my best self? And then you walk through it. And then guess what? When it happens, you'll be like, oh, it didn't catch me off guard because I already thought through the scenario. And now I know what to do because I already came to a conclusion. It's so hard to think clearly when you're in reactive mode. Yeah.

I think that's where a lot of us get into trouble. We're reacting. We're not responding deliberately. We're reacting unconsciously. So, and it's usually because it catches us off guard, which again, back to your point is so ridiculous. Like everything's just gonna be rainbows and unicorns after we get married and this all blitzes. And I'm like, are you kidding me? I thought my kids would never do this, right? You're like, no, okay, we're gonna have this reality check.

So then how do I want to respond? And you guys, if this is one of the most powerful things you can do to do the mind work and the writing, you've got to write this down. Write it out as clearly as possible who you want to be and how you want to do life. Picture it. See it. Make some commitments. Set some alerts.

Rachel Denning (14:38.83)
Write down some declarations or affirmations or capture it in your philosophy journal. How are you going to respond when others are negative? And then if you take deep responsibility and ownership for the energy you bring, how you show up, and it has to be independent of others. Yes. Which is where I think that's where I made that switch early on.

Well, I want you to finish, but I do want to say something about that. Are you finished? Go. OK. Because as you're talking, I'm thinking that I think one of the problems people run into with this, and I know for me it's been a struggle too, is that.

you think, you might think in your mind that, okay, I'm gonna go in, I'm anticipating the situation, I'm gonna be positive and everyone's gonna respond and change and be happy. It's gonna be amazing. And in reality, I think if you have the intention of changing the other person's mood by you forcing happiness and positivity onto them, that doesn't really work.

And so that's not what this is about. It's not about changing their mood. It's really about just maintaining your mood, maintaining your positivity. So when you're talking about taking ownership, you're taking ownership of how you feel, not about how they feel. Not the outcome. Yes. Oh, thank you. That's so important. And in fact, I think a key ingredient or part of this is actually just accepting.

their attitude and acknowledging it and in some ways helping them process through it because if your kids are grumpy about something they usually have a reason and so if you can maintain your own positivity without being you know inappropriate inappropriately positive or inconsiderate or inconsiderately positive and then say hey what's going on you know what's happening why don't you tell me about it or is are you feeling this way especially for younger kids.

Rachel Denning (16:46.446)
narrating for them or articulating for them helps because like, oh, are you upset because your sister did this thing? Yeah, that's what it is. And ask questions. Don't put declarative statements. You don't go planting things in kids that aren't there. Yes, but that helps them to voice how they're feeling. And for even older kids sometimes, you know, they need this. They need help finding the right words of explaining how it is, why they feel the way they do.

So, but in order for that to be done well, you need to not be caught up in their negative emotion per se. And this is interesting. And there's a little bit of an art form here because you want to be empathetic and you want to kind of feel what they feel, but you don't have to take on their burden. Yeah.

And you don't have to try to prevent it. I think sometimes we step in and we're like, oh, we don't want our kids to feel sad or angry or pain all the time. And so we try to tell them they don't have to, or they don't need to, or like, hey, let's just change. We're not doing that. We're not talking about that. Because they need to feel the full range of emotions. But it doesn't have to. You don't have to. Like, if your kid, here's a perfect example. If your kid makes a mistake and they need to feel bad for it, you don't have to feel bad for it because you didn't make the mistake.

So you need to have empathy for what they're feeling and experiencing, but maintain your state. The same is true when others come to you, your kids or others, and they come and they share their burden with you, which in our work with coaching, we get gigantic loads dumped on our shoulders. If I were to even take on a fraction of the loads that get shared with me, you know, cause a lot of people like this, spiritual leaders do it, counselors do it.

They almost feel like they have to take the load off the individual and take it on themselves and it crushes them. It can't not. It would just demolish me if I was taking on this load. So I can be right there. I can be present. I can even feel it. I have the ability to feel what people are feeling and I can be right there with them, but not take on the burden. I don't have to own that. And I think that that is sometimes what's happening is they're feeling an emotion.

Rachel Denning (19:09.422)
and you're feeling it with them or I think moms like to do that. They want to remove that from them. And so it's almost like they feel it too, hoping that the kids no longer feel it when it doesn't work like that. And I just want to emphasize what you said because I know that that's so important that we can't prevent them from feeling the full emotions of being human. And in fact, when we try to prevent them,

from filling those things were actually...

Rachel Denning (19:44.814)
handicapping them, really. Like, we're weakening them. They won't be as strong.

if they don't go through filling those emotions. But what we do need to do is help them learn how to fill them appropriately and how to work through them in a healthy way. So those are kind of the tools we need to focus on.

if there's a lot of negative emotion happening, if there's a lot of grumpiness, if there's a lot of discontent, all of those are simply symptoms and signs of other issues, deeper problems. Or needs not being met. Or needs not being met, exactly. And so it's when we focus on the source of those feelings that we can actually resolve the real issue. And I think, you know.

Maybe when someone's asking, well, how do I not get grumpy when my kids are getting grumpy? I think part of the problem is without them realizing it or knowing how to articulate it per se, my kids feeling grumpy, that means they're upset about something. I'm upset that they're upset about something. So I'm feeling grumpy too. And so the real question is how do we solve this? How do we get to the heart of the issue, right? So that we can all feel better. We can all feel happier. And I think that's a part of it is.

recognizing that this is a process of the human journey, we're going to fill these emotions. And part of the solution is if you don't know how to help them process the emotions, you need to learn how to process the emotions. And then you can share with them the process of doing that. Yes. But you can't give what you don't have. You can't teach what you don't know. Exactly. Right? And so if you are in a really good emotional, mental, emotional place,

Rachel Denning (21:40.782)
and you can stay in a good emotional state, you're that much more effective in the energy you bring to the environment and the problem. And in some situations, staying positive and peaceful will actually create the change you want. I'll come in sometimes and there's any kind of negative, I can just come right in with just the ray of sunshine and bloop, it's all gone, it goes away. The darkness dissipates when you bring the light.

And then other times you come in and they're positive and they just, they want to sit with them like, okay, but I'm going to stay positive and go on and they see that. And we're setting and modeling these, these examples. Yeah. I thought of one more thing though I want to bring up because I think sometimes what happens is if the child is getting upset or grumpy and it triggers you to feel that way.

Well, sometimes the problem isn't actually them, it's you. It's that something is unresolved within yourself that you haven't dealt with, and it's being triggered by whatever emotion that they're feeling. And maybe it's reminding you of something, something in your past or something that happened and that's never been addressed, it's never been solved. And here it is now being brought up. And so that's, I think, another reason sometimes why we can...

grab onto those emotions of the people around us because it's stacking on top of the emotions we've already had in the past, especially the ones that we haven't processed or worked through. Or like the thorn that the untethered soul talks about in that great book where you got this thorn and you're protecting your thorn and your spouse or your kids can flick your little thorn and oh baby. Accidentally even. Whatever they're experiencing now, oh it hits that.

and it brings up all that pain. So good, that's one reason. Hey guys, it's Rachel just interrupting for a minute here. I wanted to let you know that Greg and I actually did an entire workshop teaching your children to manage their emotions. Now, of course, this plays into ultimately learning how to manage your own emotions. So it's a very powerful workshop that goes into both personal emotional management as well as modeling and teaching your kids how to do this.

Rachel Denning (23:59.47)
Now this was a workshop that we did as part of our formula is what we call it. It's the extraordinary family life formula that we have created. And every month we go live in Zoom. We do workshops on different topics and the teaching emotional management workshop was one that we did and we recorded and it's in there along with literally.

dozens and dozens and dozens of workshops covering everything from parenting to marriage to money to family life and culture. Things like how to stop yelling at your kids and the real reason your kids won't do it you say and how to talk about sex and have difficult conversations with your spouse. All of these things are topics that we cover in hour -long workshops that are part of the formula. So when you join the formula you get access to all of these past recordings.

Plus you get to meet live with Greg and me every single month. It's super valuable, it's very powerful. You get to ask us questions directly. So it's like listening to our podcast, but you actually get to talk to us and you get to say, well, what about this? And what about that? And we have these similar type discussions, but we also get to have your feedback and we get to have your specific questions. So it's something that's very powerful and very useful. And we have a great community in there.

So if you want to learn more about joining the formula and specifically about taking the workshop on teaching emotional mastery and control, then make sure to click the link in the show notes and it will take you to a page that will tell you more about it. Now back to the episode. I think another one might be maybe there isn't necessarily a thorn there or an issue, but you still lack, perhaps you're underdeveloped in maintaining your own.

emotional sovereignty, where you don't quite have the strength and fortitude, which I actually, as I'm saying this out loud and I'm picturing it, it's one thing to be just positive when everything's going right. It's another level to be positive and optimistic and in a good state when things are going wrong. And that takes some exercise and the exercise gives you that strength. And so we all want to become that caliber of a person where, you know,

Rachel Denning (26:17.198)
whatever's going on, I can stay in a good place. And so that's something you work on and you develop. I think the way to start there, and some of you listening are gonna be like, okay, great, this is awesome, I get it, how do I actually do it? And one thing we've loved to do for a long time is just ask people, what is your predominant emotion? What are you feeling most of the time? That's a really great question. I wanna ask all of you who are listening.

Just answer that again, and maybe it changes from time to time, but take an average week right now in your life. What do you feel most of the time?

Rachel Denning (26:58.382)
What do you feel, babe? Most of the time, right now? Drive and ambition. Nice. To get lots of things done. Yeah. I think I'm the same. Right now, we have so many moving parts and so much going on. Big, big things. Yeah, I wake up feeling driven and a need to be productive and productive and effective. Like, we cannot be messing around right now. We got to get things done. So the most common answer we get...

from audiences we've spoke to, from adults is usually some, the most common answer is some form of irritation or frustration. When you really sit with your, like, what do you feel most of the time? You're like, man, I feel bothered. Isn't that interesting? It's one of the most common ones. It's like, oh man, here we go. Like life could be so good. And unconsciously we're feeling bothered most of the time. It's really insightful.

So you answer that question and see where you're at. And then the next question is, what would you like to feel most of the time? And again, this isn't a one emotion. For the rest of my life, I'm just going to be. Monotone, happy. Happy. It's not that. You want a full range of emotions. You want to be able to feel it all when it's the right time and place to feel it all. But I do believe we can choose an emotion that we feel most of the time. Or at least a.

Rachel Denning (28:28.366)
I want to say like a range or a genre or a color scheme of emotions. I like it, the color scheme. And so yeah, you pick your palette. So it's not like one tone. It's not like you're playing one key all the time. It's a chord maybe, or a couple chords together. Love it. And so you choose like, well, how do I want to operate? And then we even have our clients. We'll have them choose. And we'll have them choose depending on the day, where if they've got, it's a really busy day, they want to be peaceful.

calm or if they've got something. Or maybe they want to be productive. Yeah, or they're like, I want to get after, I want to go today. Or sometimes they'll want to be patient or they want serenity or sometimes they want excitement or drive. Like this is so cool. And for a lot of people, it's new. Like this is a novelty to be like, what? I remember when I first went, I'm like, I can choose my emotion. Are you kidding me? I just thought emotion happened to me. It really did. I wholeheartedly believe that. Like, no, like how I feel.

Well, it all depends on how I wake up in the morning and how I feel. How I slept. How my morning starts. What's going on? If things don't work out, well, if I'm running late, well, I can't help but feel a negative emotion. Somebody cuts me off, says something mean. If things don't work out, are you kidding me? How could I possibly feel positive about that? This was the world I operated in. And when this I did was introduced to me, it just blew my mind. At first, I resisted. I'm like, come on, man. You can't choose your emotions. Your emotions is just.

are a result of what happens to you. But then the reality is like, no, I get to wake up every morning and I choose my emotion. And what if I don't wake up feeling that emotion? What if I don't wake up? What if I don't want to wake up? Whatever it is, like I don't have to wake up feeling cruddy. You just get up and you're like, man, I'm tired and sore. And then I notice, I'm like, okay, what do I want to feel? And then I switch.

And again, I make it sound easy because I've been practicing. Well, you have made it easy because you've practiced. Right. So I just flip the switch and let's go. And so I get to choose my emotions and, you know, whether something works well or something doesn't work out at all or poorly or something, you know, frustrations, things don't happen the way we'd like or stresses, like whatever is happening. We always have a choice.

Rachel Denning (30:50.67)
And I think part of the point that maybe people don't realize unless they practice this is it doesn't mean that you don't feel those things. You do get irritated. You do get annoyed. You do get frustrated and whatever. But you have developed me like you is a me. Let me finish. OK. You know if you're using you as the general English term for people. Greg Denning. OK. It's not. It's too. You Greg Denning have developed the ability to.

change that in a moment. And that's happened through practice. Now, it's possible for everyone. For some people it takes longer to do that. But the point is you feel the irritation, frustration, annoyance, whatever, and then you can make the switch, which for you has become within seconds. But with practice, you know, anyone can do that with. For some people it might start out and it takes them an hour or two to recover from some.

Annoyance or irritation or longer maybe takes a week Some people are like that, but with practice you can shorten that time so that you can then switch In moments, yeah, which is so relevant to a family situation Yeah, where your kids drop something break something make a mess do something for a fight and your instant reaction is like I'm gonna ring your neck. That makes me so angry so frustrated so

Ah! And if you catch yourself, feel it for a second and then switch it. And I'm not burying, so just to be transparent here, I'm not burying, I'm not ignoring, I'm not numbing, I'm not buffering, I'm not dismissing. I feel it, I sense it, I process it really fast. And I'm like, that's not how I wanna show up here in this moment. Or another technique we use is creating a paradigm shift, a momentary paradigm shift.

So where initially you're responding in anger and upset and thinking, how could you do this? This is so ridiculous. This is horrible. This is terrible. But then if you shift the paradigm and look at it from a different perspective, you're like, oh, OK, I understand why this is happening, where you're coming from, what you're feeling. And so then the emotion switches with the paradigm shift. Exactly. Because when you see things differently, when you see them from a different angle, you feel differently about it. That's what's incredible about emotions.

Rachel Denning (33:13.806)
is that the only reason we're feeling the thing we're feeling is because of the way we're viewing it. But if we change the way we view it, we also change the way we feel about it. Okay, this is so good. So this is what I've been asking this question to my clients about, you know, marriage particularly, but it works for kids. Pause for a second and just ask yourself, what's it like to be my spouse? What's it like to be married to me? Right? Game changer. Talk about paradigm shift. But it's true with kids.

Just pause for a second and say, what's it like to be my child? Well, to, you know, a child. So pick a child and say, what's it like to be them? And then say, what's it like to be my son or daughter?

flip that paradigm and it'll change the emotion. And I think most of us will realize there's something there, there's a dynamic that's gonna help you understand your child or your spouse and help you make some changes and help you respond appropriately with the child. That's a beautiful paradigm shift.

What's it like listeners to be your kid? Oh, that's good. So we're going along. You're choosing your predominant emotion. What do you want to feel most of the time? You're choosing your emotion at least daily, if not throughout the day. And we can do it. We've talked about this before where you can stop at transitions. I'm going to work what I want to feel at work. I'm going to this meeting. What do I want to feel?

I'm gonna sit down to do home education with the kids. I need to have a tough conversation. What do I wanna feel? What energy do I wanna bring? I'm coming back home and re -engaging with family. What do I feel? Oh, everyone's in a funk. How do I want to feel when the family's in a funk? What do I wanna do? Not expecting them to change, but saying, I'm gonna maintain my emotional sovereignty here. Again, not numbing, not being distant, or, oh, I'm not gonna participate in that.

Rachel Denning (35:23.598)
or putting on a mask or? Right, it's like, no, I want to be in my best self and in a great spot so I can be a resource here. And then practice being that. And the way to like fortify and strengthen ourselves is what we did on our last podcast. The last podcast was all about the morning routines and just, man, just making sure you are filled and in a good place. So there's tons of resources there. We've done so many other things around this.

One more thing I'd like to add is set yourself up for success. What are the things that make you feel good consistently? What are the things, the stimuli, we could call them, that help you get into a good positive state or help you recover from a negative state? Well, yeah, that was one of the things I was thinking when you were walking through this scenario of, oh, I come in, everyone's grumpy, everyone's in a negative mood. And I'm thinking, oh.

put on some music, you know, because that's what we would do in our house. And we have teenagers who are really good at doing that, which actually helps a lot with just the mood, especially, you know, we've all been doing our stuff, working on our schoolwork or work or whatever. And sometimes you feel tired after that, you feel drained and they instinctively go and put on music. And it's interesting how...

without realizing what they're doing, that is kind of what they're doing. They're recovering from mental, emotional, physical work and bringing positive energy by putting on music. And they use it as a pick -me -up. Yeah, they absolutely do. And it's music is so powerful. Works great for that. But that's kind of an example of what to do, you know, and you can do that with your family, with your kids, if that's another technique. If they're feeling grumpy, put on some music or be silly.

You know, sometimes that, I know you use that a lot and that works great with even our teenagers, but definitely with the younger kids is you start being silly and playful and that can switch their mood. Dude, that works. So far, the whole spectrum. Yeah, exactly. From six months old until, so up to 20, it's still working. Works like a champ. Use humor and fun and wrestling and tickling. But not in a way that's, um. It's not annoying.

Rachel Denning (37:44.11)
And yeah, not in an annoying way or a discounting way. I'm not sure how to say it. Like it's not that you're totally discounting their emotions, but you're, you're just being playful and helping them change their state essentially. So yeah, it's thinking through things like that. What works for your kids, what works for you, you know, maybe you need to get outside, go on a walk, go out into nature, go.

Just doing something, it's a pattern interrupt essentially. For some of my clients, a little bit of quiet meditation, just some deep breathing. Maybe it's a little bit of a nap. Maybe you need to listen to some music or listen to a podcast or watch an inspiring video or maybe you have a go -to book. Every time you read that book, man, it just...

Oh, it just saddles you and grounds you. Like the majesty of calmness. Keep that book around. Yeah, the majesty of calmness by William George Jordan. William George Jordan. So good. Well, like you said, breathing out. I do that with my two youngest girls. When they get all upset about something, one of the first things I do is I'm like, OK, take a deep breath, because it helps them to calm down. There's science behind that. I mean, I know you know that, but listeners like.

Because that's an all, hey, take a breath, breathe to 10. It's because there's science behind that. You're sending oxygen to your brain that's all freaking out. It's done in a fight or flight mode. And you just send a bunch of oxygenated blood up there, and the brain's like, oh, OK. We're not going to die. Exactly. So then once they take a breath and calm down a little more, then you can talk about, OK, what is happening? Let's walk through.

what's happening here so we can understand it, we can make sense of it and decide what to do about it. Beautiful. Now, I have to lovingly take this moment to be blunt. Because some of you, do you know who you are? Some of you just get bothered too easily. And you get bothered by small things.

Rachel Denning (39:57.454)
And one thing I said to myself years ago, I was like, hey, man, only small people get bothered by small things. You're being small, Greg. Outgrow this. And so I say it frankly, but with love, you need to outgrow that and stop being small. And I would say it lovingly to your face. If I'm there with you and you're getting upset about something, I'm like, really?

You're really going to get upset about this. You're really going to ruin your day, this moment, this whole vibe, because you're bothered about some little thing. Really? Are you going to be that petty? And it's straight talk. I know it. But I do it in love and for your benefit, because it's you that's suffering and the people around you. If you're getting upset, and sometimes really, really upset over stupidities, trivialities, you're

You're throwing away your own peace, your own enjoyment. Like you're costing yourself your life, because the quality of your life ultimately is how you feel. Day in, day out. The quality of your moments. Yeah. It's your moments added together make up your life. And if you're spending your moments and therefore your life being bothered, I feel bad for you, genuinely. Although I'm not going to let it bother mine. It'll be a real Monday.

I don't feel that bad. Because I'm not going to let it affect me. I'm going to have a fantastic day. And if you go just tank your whole day because you're bothered about something, I'm sorry for you, bro. I'm still going to have a great day. And there's something there. And you might be like, well, again, the default reaction is, well, it's not my fault. That's just the way I am. It's my personality. No, bogus. That's all bogus. That's all a lie. You're just lying to yourself. And you're telling yourself more g -

and I'm sure your head's full of all kinds of other crap stories too. I'm getting fired up here. Stop lying to yourself and outgrow that crap. Or it's not my fault, it's my kids' fault because they're the ones getting upset about all the little things. And they're making me feel this way. That is another lie. So yeah, I mean there's two sides of this here. One is, we call it, you have too many rules, because people do. They will have...

Rachel Denning (42:17.582)
all of these rules in their head mostly of how things are supposed to be done. And then if someone breaks that rule, even though they don't know it's a rule, you lose it. You get so upset. So in this whole thing, because you're like, well, that's what my kids are like. They have all these rules and they're getting so upset. And then it's rubbing off on me. Well, part of the problem is because you have a rule that they shouldn't be getting upset. And so because that's your rule,

When they get upset, you get upset, and now everyone's upset, that doesn't help. So you're right. You stop getting bothered by small things, which in this case is your children, because even your teenagers are small compared to where we should be as adults. And ultimately, most of the things they're doing are small. Even this morning, Rachel and I were having a conversation with some friends that we had over.

We're talking about Mickey Mouse problems. Like, most of our problems, even our seemingly big problems, in the big scheme of things, they're Mickey Mouse problems. Well, this comes back to this idea of these false expectations. It's as though we expect our kids to not make mistakes, to not do things that are wrong or off or inappropriate or like, you know, off course.

when in reality that's what they should be doing. They should be making mistakes. They should be failing. They should be acting their age. They should be acting their age because where else is a better place for them to do it? But at home. And what could they possibly act out otherwise than what they are? Yeah. Like how can it's neurotic of us to expect a nine year old to act like a 13 year old. Right.

Like this is foolish. Or to expect even a teenager to act like a 40 -year -old. An adult, exactly. Why are you making more adult decisions? Like, why are you 15? Yeah, why aren't you doing all of these things that are common sense? And you're like, well, it's common sense to you because you're an adult and you have more life experience. It's not common sense for someone who's 15 or 17 or 12. And so, yeah, it's these rules we have.

Rachel Denning (44:42.158)
about how our children should be behaving or not behaving when in reality this is their mortal experience, their life experience of learning how to be a human. Right, they're just trying to figure it out. And if they make a mistake, we should just be like, oh, yep, I'm not surprised you made that mistake because guess what? You're only 15. And we do ourselves and our children a huge disservice when, because we have fully developed brains at 25. So...

from a fully developed functioning brain, we're looking at a child or a teen and saying, why don't you think like me? Why didn't you think through that? Yeah, why didn't you think through this? You're like, hello? Your prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. That's why. It's not even fully connected in there, let alone do they have enough life experience to walk through that cognitively and make clear decisions. They're figuring this out. And so I think we need a lot more.

race and understanding for what they're trying to figure out. And then if we keep our cool, guess what? They figure it out so much more quickly and easily without the additional trauma that we add by reacting. Exactly. Yeah. And so it's this idea of seeing it from a different perspective. This perspective of you're still a developing child. Your brain is still developing.

which again, like you said, happens until you're 25. And from that perspective, oh, okay, well, yeah, I shouldn't be bothered about you being bothered because this is expected. This is a normal part of the journey. This is where you should be and what you should be doing. And now, of course, you guys realize that's not licensed to keep doing silly things. And be like, oh, it's okay, kid. Yeah.

You're still a child. You're still there. We'll just let you do it. And without teaching them and training them, if it becomes chronic, that's your fault. Yes. That's on you. The first time. It's on them. That's because they're a child. The second or third or fourth or fifth time. It's on you. It's because you're not teaching them. And even then, that's not justification. On the fifth time, it's not justification for you to be super reactive and make it a negative experience. You've got to figure out how to teach and coach effectively. Yeah. That's when you ask yourself,

Rachel Denning (47:05.23)
How am I not teaching this effectively that they're not getting it? What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? What dots am I not connecting here that they're not making this connection?

So overall, here's something else to chew on for a little bit. Overall, how do you want your children to remember you? As far as the context of this conversation here, emotionally. What do you want your children to remember you when they look back at their childhood? Because 20 years from now, they'll be with their friends or whatever telling their kids about their childhood. How do you want them to remember you emotionally? Oh, that.

Ooh, that's good. Some will look back and be like, oh man, my dad was always grumpy. He was always upset. He was just numb. And he's thinking, I'm always grumpy because my kids are always grumpy. My kids are always grumpy. Like whatever your lame excuses are, it honestly doesn't matter what your excuses are. Whatever justification or rationalization you have, at the end of the day, your kids will have a memory of you being a certain way.

You get to choose what that is. And you can be happy or jovial or numb. They might be like, yeah, my parents were flatlined. They didn't feel anything or express anything. They just existed. Or whatever emotion it is, right? So you have to think about this legacy. This is huge. This is huge, because it's fitting into the legacy, the family legacy that you're building, your life legacy, and your reputation.

And again, the people you interact with at work or at church or in your community, they all are taking the same assessment of you. We're reading each other subconsciously all the time. It's like, what is this person like emotionally?

Rachel Denning (49:02.221)
Are they just all wound up real tight and tense? Are they just laissez faire, like whatever, pura vida? Are they like, well nothing matters? What are they like? What are you like? And then you establish your emotional reputation and legacy. This is huge. And it's all a matter of choice and practice. And practice. So choose and then practice.

Keep choosing. Day by day. And keep practicing. Moment by moment. And when you drop the ball, be quick to notice it and even apologize. I remember years ago when I was trying to make these changes, I would have to apologize off to the kids. Like, hey, sorry, gosh. I'm trying to be really positive and not reactive. And that time just caught me off guard. I reacted. I'm really sorry. And I kept doing that until I'm like, well, now.

Now I'm like, that's rare, rarer and rarer. It's definitely more rare. Yeah. And that's the goal. I mean, obviously we're striving towards the ideal of perfection, but when we're getting up in the high percentile of good, like when negative reactions are more rare than the positive ones, man, we're in a good place and you're succeeding. And pick your percentage too. Like if...

If you're doing great 70, 80 % of the time, and you call that success, bam, fantastic. Unless the small percentage of the time your explosions are so ugly that they're overpowering and damaging and causing emotional trauma, you gotta stop that crap. But the coolest power is you have that power to do that. That is the greatest thing. You have the power to choose what you feel, how you feel, independent of what anybody else says or does.

Nobody can make you feel anything. And again, you guys, I have to emphasize this. This is coming from a guy who used to have an insane temper. That's you. That was me. I had crazy temper. I would get so angry because of what other people did. And I blamed them and I believed it was their fault. They're the ones that made me mad. And I realized that's...

Rachel Denning (51:23.437)
actually not true. Nobody can make me feel anything. And when I came to that realization, started practicing it, yeah, total transformation of the emotional way of being.

Booyah, love this stuff. Okay, thanks you guys. If you subscribe to the podcast, if you haven't yet, share this, anyone you can think of that you're like, man, they need this reminder. You really need to hear this. You really need to know about this. But share it because it's powerful for all of us. We can all live in a better emotional state. I mean, play your life out like that. Imagine your life with you operating most of the time in a way better emotional state.

That's just an awesome existence. And we want that for all the people around us too. So share it with the people you love. That is what, like you were saying before, that is what makes life better. Because life is made of your moments. And if your moments are filled with better emotions, you have a better life. Yep. That's really how it works. Yeah. Even if your circumstances aren't yet ideal, you can still have a better life.

lean into the positive emotions and have a more positive existence. It's awesome. Okay, love you guys. Reach upward.