Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:10.606)
Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast today. We all have blind spots. We all have things we're doing or not doing that are causing or contributing to our own problems. In our coaching, we often work with people who keep doing or not doing the things that are keeping them miserable and unhappy. If they could just stop, then they would drastically change their life. Of course, this is easier said than done. Otherwise, you would already have stopped or started.

the things that need to be done and wouldn't be suffering from the current challenges you face. In this episode, we dive into the specific strategies for doing what must be done. The things that if done will change everything. They'll improve your marriage, your parenting, help you make more money, or to achieve those big goals and dreams that have been locked away somewhere in your soul. It can be difficult to make the effort or to find the courage to do these things. We acknowledge that doing them is hard.

and that you might not feel ready to do them. But the only way you will get ready is by doing them. As the Stoics say, the obstacle is the way. Listen now to this episode to learn how to do what must be done before it's too late for you to make the changes you need to make to have the kind of life you want to have. This episode is sponsored by our Best Self Bundle. The bundle gives you tools, resources, and strategies that you need to reach upward and to become your best self.

to develop your personality into what you would like it to be instead of just accepting what you currently have. Visit ExtraordinaryFamilyLife .com and click at the link at the top for the best self bundle and start today learning simple strategies you can use to create powerful positive transformations in your personality. Also make sure to check out Greg's Be The Man podcast and his Be The Man master class. If you are a man or you know one, you need these resources.

Rachel Denning (02:13.422)
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Extraordinary? Extraordinary! That is, that's the next level of extraordinary. You just make it cooler by saying extraordinary. It's better than saying extra -ordinary, because then that sounds... Right, because then you're just ordinary with your... Your extra -ordinary. Your extra -ordinary.

Oh man. So extraordinary is better. I am your co -host, Greg Denning, and my amazing wife. This is new. I'm Rachel. Rachel. And today...

Feeling a little... Awkward? No. Intense. So be forewarned if I rant. It's coming from a place of love. I don't know if it's unusual for you to... No, I guess I think I... Maybe there's a pattern here that others are noticing that I'm in a mood every time we turn on a microphone. Like here we go again. You're always in a mood. Turns out you're always ready to yell at us.

and tell us things. I had two coaching sessions this morning. They both ended up being about business. One was in...

a foreign land and another across the states here. And then we've had, there's so many patterns, right? You have conversations, you notice things with friends and clients and then you see things online and you start to notice these patterns. And I'm sure you listeners, you guys have had this experience as well where you notice something and you're like, man, if you would just do this or if you could just see this.

Rachel Denning (04:12.494)
it would really help you with your problems. And so maybe you've had family members or friends come to you and maybe it's chronic. Maybe they come to you regularly and they're complaining about the same problem. You're sitting there looking at them and you're trying to be nice and keep your poker face on, but you're thinking like, well, why don't you stop doing that? Or why don't you start doing that? Like, you keep coming to me with the same problem, right? Are you not noticing your problem? And what's interesting is we all have these blind spots, right? We all miss it in ourselves. It's so -

Isn't it so much easier to solve your neighbor's problems? Right. Right? Exactly. You can see all the faults that your family members are doing. You're like, I see this so clearly. Like, what's wrong with you? And we all have those blind spots that maybe outside perspectives are so helpful to see. But today I want to talk about one that it's a principle that.

I think we all get it. Nobody's going to be surprised by this. But we need to face it and talk through it, understand it, and get strategic about it. And I guess we could maybe summarize the principle and the practice as, in its simplest form, doing what must be done, whether you feel like it or not, whether you like it or not. If...

If you've done your homework and your research and you've seen this play out successfully for others and you know it's a solid principle and a solid practice and you're confident that it would make a difference in your business or your life, then do it. Right now, it's easy to say, hard to do, and that's why people struggle to do it. But ultimately, you guys, if...

If we're going to get the things we want most, then again, I'm going to emphasize this a lot because this is the big hang up. Because I hear it so many times, they come back like, I don't want to do that. I don't feel like doing it. I know it's uncomfortable or scary, whatever the reason, I don't want to do it. And so I'm going to emphasize a lot here and keep repeating it until it just.

Rachel Denning (06:34.158)
strikes into your heart and soul, do it whether you feel like it or not. If it's a good thing and needs to be done, then dad gum it, do it. Now, okay, so again, I need this same reminder, right? I need the same call to arms. And I actually do do this with myself. It plays out frequently when I'm...

exercising hard, right? So I've been training hard and man, you get pushing your limits physically and your muscles start screaming at you to stop because it hurts. There's this inner conflict. You have to have this inner dialogue because you're lunging. I've been lunging a lot with my 40 pound vest on and after a few times back and forth down the road, man, your legs and your glutes are

screaming at you, right? As they do. And so you're like, well, do I stop? Because my legs are really hurting and they're telling me this hurts. Please stop. They're not using please. They're not speaking kindly. Well, I want to do. Yeah, I want to point something out here because while you're kind of still giving an introduction to this, I think you're already touching on a principle that's important for.

doing this thing you're talking about of just doing what needs to be done. And it's this driving vision. It's this motivating vision that you have. Okay, so let's use this example here of you doing lunges with a 40 -pound vest. You know, anyone who's done that or anything close to that knows that that's going to be painful and uncomfortable and you don't want to do it. And even you...

would likely not be doing it this intense, this often, this with the 40 pound vest, if you weren't specifically training for an event that's coming up. You have this driveway to hell that you're doing at Sarah Blakely's house in what, two weeks? And then a few weeks after that, I'm doing a big adventure race in the Tetons, which is going to be harder and farther.

Rachel Denning (08:58.574)
And then in September, you're aiming to climb Kilimanjaro. So you have this motivating vision. You're exactly right. I don't wake up and be like, I want to go out front so badly. I'm going to do lunges with a 40 pound vest. Yes. Like it just needs, like you could say in your head, it needs to be done. I should just do that because I need to get into shape. I just, I need to do it. Even for you, that's not enough motivation.

Knowing that it's good for you. Knowing that it would make you stronger. Knowing that you're going to be tougher. That's not enough of a motivation. But when you've paid money to go to an event where the driveway to hell that he's doing, they're climbing up and down Sarah Blakely's driveway. What's her husband's name? Jesse Isler. It's really his event. Climbing up and down the driveway. She's awesome.

What, just as long as you can? Is that the goal? I don't know the details. I know that he does events like this a lot. He loves to get into kind of ultra endurance events. It's an endurance event. Yeah, and so he does it up at his house in Connecticut. He has this hill that goes up into a lake and he invites these people out and they just go up and down and up and down. This one's here in Georgia though. Yep, this one's here in Georgia. And you just go and go and go and you just grind and you hurt and everyone who comes pays good money.

to come suffer. Exactly. It seems crazy, right? But there's some coolness to that one. And then, of course, those other ones I'm doing. You're right. It's the vision. There's a coolness factor. You're like, I want to stand on top of Kilimanjaro. So this is part of this piece to this recipe that we're trying to talk about. We're going to go through specific examples and ideas on this. But essentially, it's identifying.

something that needs to happen or something you want to do or something you want to stop doing, something you want to have, something you want to change, and then getting that vision of what that would look like, in this case, maybe Kilimanjaro, paying money, okay, I think that's a key ingredient. You got to get some skin in the game. Paying money for the thing and then doing what has to be done in order to make it happen. Yep.

Rachel Denning (11:22.766)
You are out there every day killing your legs, preparing for these events that are coming up because you've already paid for them. Right. And so I, I, there's a consequence, there's a timeline, there's a deadline and there's a vision of something enticing. Right. And so I think it's kind of a good recipe because I have something I want and then consequences attached to it and some skin in the game, so to speak. Like there's something on the line.

But you're right, there has to be a why. I mean, people talk about that a lot now. Like you gotta have your why, your purpose, and it's tied to a vision. And I believe that's critical as well. I think what you're saying is spot on. We have to have something meaningful, fulfilling, enticing, exciting. And it's gonna be different for every person because our teenage...

our teenagers are planning on going to Kilimanjaro with you and they are out there, this another great example, they're out there working hard. We have two kids right now in Utah working on a farm in a greenhouse to save money to go on this trip to Kilimanjaro. Now they were telling some friends here in Georgia that they were doing this and they were working and saving, and these teens were like, why would you do that? It was not motivating to them because they'd...

didn't have the same experiences or background or perspective. So climbing Kilimanjaro was not a motivating thing for them, right? It's not going to make them go out and do the work that needs to get done in order to earn the money. Right. And some of you might be thinking, what a waste of money. They're like, I'm not going to pay for a driveway to hell. I'm not doing that. That is not motivating to me. So you have to have your motivating thing, whatever that is.

And I think if there's one boundary or guideline for your thing, make sure it's edifying and genuinely fulfilling. I guess, because I can see in my mind's eye and times over the years talking to people, sometimes they try to be motivated by something that ultimately wasn't, like it wasn't making you a better person. It wasn't fulfilling or gratifying. It was just like entertaining or.

Rachel Denning (13:44.366)
pleasurable or whatever but not not really making taking you to a better place. Yeah sometimes that's fine as a reward or something if you want to do something but you're talking about just... The more intrinsic value there is to it intrinsic meaning it's on the inside it makes you feel good about who you are and what you're doing like it gives you the sense of worth and...

depth and significance. Like yeah, it's like, hey, this makes you feel good about yourself because you could do things all day long and people do that makes them, they don't even like themselves because what they're doing is not likable. So let's, let's dive into some specific examples now. So you guys get how this fits because otherwise their entire areas of our life to become major blind spots. I think I want to start with marriage because it's easy to, but we're also going to talk about food.

and parenting, and business, and health and fitness all around. This principle applies across all the important areas of your life. And I would say, go ahead. We see it as a common hang up though. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. It's a common obstacle. So that's what I was gonna say. I was gonna say this is probably one of the most common obstacles. Either people can't see it, and then when you point it out, they're like, ooh. I don't wanna do that. I don't want to see it.

uncomfortable, it's going to cause conflict, it's going to be... Whatever the reasons are, we'll dive into those. Exactly. But it reminds me of a quote that we read recently, there are none so blind as those who will not see. And there are many reasons that which Rachel just alluded to and we'll dive into why people won't see it or don't want to see it. But we want to give you concrete examples so that you can sit back and be like, oh, okay, yep.

That applies to me. And I want to start with marriage because marriage is so consummately important. It's this binding union that means so much in life. Yeah. It means so much in that it can either be a huge source of joy and...

Rachel Denning (16:07.406)
happiness or it becomes your greatest source of misery and suffering. Like it seriously is that. It's such a big part of many people's lives that it's the source of their happiness or it's the source of their misery. Yeah. It's a huge role and it well and it's the source if you'll let it be it can be your greatest source of growth and refinement. Yeah, absolutely. Or if you...

miss this very principle we're speaking of, you could use it as a crutch or an avoidance. I mean, if you could, you just back away from it and you could just suffer along. Or, or you miss out massively on what your marriage could be. A lot of times you don't have the marriage you could have this extraordinary level because you're not applying this very principle of doing what must be done. And, and it's, we're not in here like,

Oh yeah, we know, we get it right. When you're married, you gotta have, you know, tolerance and patience and all those things. And we're like, yeah, yeah, of course, right? That's part of it. I think the big piece here is, and I'm talking about, you have to be willing to become a new person. You have to be willing to transform yourself. And yes, your spouse needs to as well. Right.

but that's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to transform yourself. In fact, I would say, especially as I've listened to a lot of Jordan Peterson stuff, he says this a lot. That is one of the major purposes of marriage. You're literally committing yourself to another person for a lifetime in order to take on this path of growth. They are your partner.

in helping you become a different person. Yes. To transform into someone new. And it's not pleasant or comfortable because they're there to say, oh, that's off, that's off. Here's where you're weak. Here's where this, that's their job. And a lot of people end up allowing that to drive them apart and to put a wedge between them instead of realizing that's the point. Like,

Rachel Denning (18:31.63)
you're tethered to someone for life so that they can help you change. Because without it, you won't do it. You will never do it. You'll never do the work on your own. It will never be motivating enough, painful enough, important enough for you to make the changes you need to make in order to become your best self if you don't have someone you are lifelong committed to to help you do it. Because as soon as it gets uncomfortable or inconvenient. Exactly.

I'm either going to move to another relationship like, oh, this one is demanding a bit. Go back to the easy stuff. Yeah, I'm going to go back to the beginning phases. Like, what do you call it when you're single? Bachelor? I can't even remember what that's called. I blocked that out of my memory. Those were such horrible years. The first 23 years of my life, I was all alone. No wife. So like.

Some guys are like this. And I actually see men promoting this. Oh yeah. No, no. You're not here to please women. And who cares what women think? Just do your thing, man. And that is a subtle, without knowing what they're doing, that's a subtle form of, hey, don't level up. Don't refine and grow and really earn respect and allow transformation. Because transformation is causing a lot of pain.

and suffering so just avoid it. Exactly. And there's a subtle art in it and you hear things like, oh okay well, you know, and it's like these half truths we've been talking about lately. But if you have a good spouse, that spouse is going to expect more of you and going to demand it. Now hopefully they're tactful and diplomatic but sometimes they won't be. Sometimes they'll just say it to your face like, yeah you suck at that and I'm not gonna tolerate anymore.

If you have a spouse who is too tolerant or if you are the spouse that is too tolerant because you want to be nice and want to be compassionate, you want to be patient and you tolerate chronic problems for a long time, the resentment builds up and the exacerbation like comes out and finally it leads to something quite ugly or just dissolves or whatever or we just endure in silence, right? We go through this life.

Rachel Denning (20:55.79)
quiet desperation. Right. Well, and we see this a lot because coming back to this idea of doing what has to be done, a lot of couples don't want to do what has to be done. It's not that they have no clue about what's off and what they could fix and what they can work on, but they generally avoid it because they don't want the conflict that comes with it.

They don't want to deal with the discomfort or the hard conversations or the crying, the tears. They don't want to face all of that. And so they spend sometimes years or decades avoiding those subjects in order to not have to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. But the reality is that is what leads to divorce because it builds up and it builds up and it builds up until it finally explodes in something huge, bigger than you.

ever thought possible, that's the big dragon. That's the baby dragon that grows into the big dragon. Where as if you face the discomfort and the conflict and the tears and the crying early on, yeah, it feels big. It feels unmanageable, but it's actually way more manageable than the monster down the road. So that's one of the things. Doing what has to be done is like facing those, those little monsters, facing those little demons. Yeah.

discussing them, talking about them, working through it. The other, just the other day, you and I were talking about this, like, you know, what is it that's been one of the keys or the keys to our marriage? And one of the things we said, at least from my perspective is that I don't let things go unresolved. I will chase you down and we will have that conversation, tears and all, until it's been resolved, until I feel like we both are...

feeling good again, we're on the same page, we have the same understanding. We don't let things go more than a day or two without resolving. Right. Well, yeah, it's not always you chasing me down. Sometimes you retreat and I have to go find you. Okay, right. One of us is chasing the other one down. And what's been a gigantic blessing, and that's what we're talking about, is like that's been extremely rare. We've really been...

Rachel Denning (23:16.59)
super, we rarely really disagree or disagree even to a, like we don't fight anymore. Right. But I think it's because of this thing of like, if there's something, let's talk about it. And we've both been open enough to talk about it. And even when it's feeling uncomfortable, sit with it and like, okay, can you explain it a different way? This is how I see it. Let's just keep working through this. So it never becomes an issue. There doesn't have to be anything buried or hidden.

Like we don't have these resentment landmines sitting around. And I wanted to kind of, while you're explaining the, avoiding the small battles to lose, ultimately lose the war. It's like, you know, it's a little hand -to -hand combat versus something going nuclear. Like get in there and, you know, wrestle a little bit and grapple. Don't, I guess not physically, you guys. Well, you're not condoning abuse, but like.

get into a little bit around the issues so it doesn't eventually one day just go nuclear and it's like it's all over it's done but what what happens here and this is maybe we don't we don't see it so that's one issue is like we don't and that happened that happened i had some coaching sessions this week where that literally happened i'm like hey this needs to be addressed he's like dude i don't want to bring that up because that just it always turns into conflict it yeah yeah but what's

And this is for all of you listening, what is the end result if you don't bring it up? If you don't address the issue, the problem that kind of that's chronic or perpetual, if it's been going on, it's still going on and you know it's holding you back, it's having an effect on your family dynamics, your family culture, what's the end result if you don't address it? And you guys know, play this out in your mind, go down the road five, 10 years, like it gets ugly.

It gets really bad. And in order to stop it from getting really ugly, you have to face some of the ugly of the conflict. Like, and you might be like, we've talked about it before. And every time we talk, we're tired of the fight. Okay. Do something differently. Like it's got to be resolved. And you both have to get this understanding of what the real issue is and what effect it's having on the family. And like, you got to get this dialed in and figure it out, which, oh, you have something to say about that?

Rachel Denning (25:39.63)
Well, I was just going to say sometimes the reason it's not being resolved, because I've seen this too and in some of my coaching, that they keep talking about, we call it the symptom or the branches. They're hacking at the branches while the root of the problem is something else. And if you focus on the root of the problem, this is why awareness is so powerful and just truly understanding.

more about yourself and psychology, when you get to the root of the problem, then you can solve the problem there and you no longer have to hack at the branches. So you may have been fighting over something for years, but it's really the branches. And the real problem is something else. And if you get to that and resolve it, the branches aren't a problem anymore. They're gone. And that's exactly where I wanted to go next. That's the perfect lead in. And this is my perspective on this principle here, especially in marriage, the root of the problem.

is you need to change. You gotta create this transformation. You have to become a different person. Now understandably, for so long I was in this place of like, what do you mean I have to change? This is who I am. This is how I am, this is who I am. What do you mean change? I like things this way, or I do things this way. You're talking like I just can be a transformer. And...

And later on, years later with tons of research and working with tons of people and going through my own experience, yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Transform yourself. Become a different person. If the quality... Okay, back up to saving your marriage, because some of you, your marriage is on the line. It really is. Or it will be soon. In fact, I would be bold enough to say every marriage is on the line if you're not willing to transform.

or at least, so that's the baseline. And then the quality of your marriage is always on the line. And if the quality of your marriage is limited until you transform, man, do what needs to be done, whether you like it or not. And if that requires that I make a transformation and I become a new man and a better man, then, ooh, this is where my intensity comes up. That's when I...

Rachel Denning (28:01.454)
grab the front of your shirt and I'm just like, do it, just change. And this is how I talk to myself, you guys. Like just, come on, come on, change. It's not worth it. If I'm the limiting factor in the quality of our marriage or saving marriage, if Rachel, let's say we've had something, hypothetically, we had something that she's just been bothered about for years and years and years. And I'm just like, well, it's just the way I am. Stop bringing it up. Why are you always bringing it up?

You're so critical. You know what? I'm like, wait, why don't I just change? Why don't I become a better man? Why don't I do what makes me better? And now this is hard work. This is what I'm talking about. Do what must be done. If your spouse doesn't like that you do that stupid thing, then stop doing the stupid thing. Like, well, this is what... No.

Stop with the stories you're telling. Yeah, exactly. Stop with the stories you're telling yourself. Stop with your excuses. Unless it's some really amazing value or standard or principle that is actually better and your spouse wants you to like ditch it, it's usually not that. It's like, hey, I am so sick of you drinking. I'm so sick of you being disconnected. Picking your nose. Picking your nose. If your marriage is...

over your nose picking, just stop picking your daggum nose. But it's like, it's usually like, well, you're never present. Or this comes up a lot. You work too much. You're putting your work in front of family. Stop it. You're like, well, I'm working for you, blah, blah, blah. And you tell your story. It's like, dude, do what must be done. Well, I have work to do. Figure out how to stink and do it while you're at work. See, okay, this, I warned you guys. Like - I'll stop smiling. Go ahead. Figure out how to do it.

in the allotted time. Be present. Like maybe you're watching sports all the time or watching too much TV or you have a terrible relationship with money or you have a terrible relationship with food. If your husband's constantly like, why are you spending so much money? Stop spending so much money. Or either of you are disappointed about your relation with food and how much you're eating and that you're eating crap.

Rachel Denning (30:24.814)
Oh man, I just, I get so intense about this because, well you guys know my story. Like it was just, my childhood was marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce. And I saw that, and I ended up out on my own because of it. And I've been around people who just destroyed their marriages. And I thought, why, why not do what needs to be done? If you have an unhealthy relationship with money, fix it by fixing yourself.

Change. Do what must be done. Learn how to get yourself under control. If you have an unhealthy relationship with food, change, dead gummit. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is what I'm talking about. This is what needs to be done. And if there's built up resentment over years or decades because you have this little quirk or this little idiot synchrocy you have, and you're like, well, that's how I am because.

my past or I had this experience or whatever and I'm not being unsympathetic here because I get it but at some point somebody needs to get in your face and say do what must be done you are the limiting factor in the quality of your marriage stop it and I've done this with myself so I I can speak because I've done it I had to fix a lot of crap even before I met Rachel oh absolutely and I and I'm like you know what I am never

taking this into a marriage because I've seen, I've experienced firsthand what it does to a kid and I'm like, I'm not doing this to my kids. I'm not doing this in my marriage. And I'm like, well, that's the way I am. And I went through some hard things and I have this baggage. Like screw the baggage, burn the baggage. Like, oh man. Ah.

I have a lot of things to say. With everything you've been saying. I've been waiting for my spot. Rachel's raising her hand for her moment so I can step down from my little box here. I just have so many things to say. Okay, I think, can think of four. First, I, this cute little story I thought of when you were saying, just get control of yourself. Cause we have an eight year old and a five year old and our eight year old is more dramatic than our five year old. And she was all upset one day and the five year old just got so, she was like, ah!

Rachel Denning (32:47.086)
just get control of yourself to her older sister. And we just thought it was so funny. And that's one of the things I thought of. So cute. So what you're saying, first of all, I remember very, very specifically when we first met, that was one of the things that I admired most about you. I had dated enough guys that I'd seen baggage, you know, like issues, whichever one. We all have them. We've all had, we all have a story. We all have a history.

but they were using them as excuses. And I just kept seeing that again and again and again. They just kept using whatever had happened in their past as an excuse. But when I met you, you had all these excuses. You had the same excuses for, you know, living a crappy life. And yet you weren't allowing them to be an excuse. You were just going to do it. You were just going to do whatever needed to be done in order to create the life you wanted to create. So...

I think you have a lot of credibility to be able to say these things because you have lived it. You have experienced it. You have done it. Which brings me to this other point that a lot of a lot of the reasons I think people don't do it is because they're not sure it's possible or they don't even have this vision of what it could be like. So they're like, why go through the effort? Why change myself? Why?

face the conflict, I really don't know what it's going to look like on the other side. They don't have any example of what a great marriage is like or how wonderful it could be if they go through all this discomfort of making the changes. So I think that's a part of it too, is that they, they're not sure. They're uncertain. And I guess that's part of why we are here. That's part of what...

mission is is to say, hey, this is what it could look like. This is what's available, but it's hard. It's not easy. You've got to put in the work. You have to do what's necessary. And yet shout from the rooftops, you guys. It's worth every effort. Absolutely. And even if worst case scenario, you do make the changes and it doesn't save your marriage or whatever.

Rachel Denning (35:14.062)
it still made you a better person. You went through the refinement process, you're better off because of it. You refine and burn off the dross and get rid of it. For whatever amount of work or struggle or difficulty or seeming impossibility, you guys, I guess you're right, Rachel. Not everyone can see it. And they don't have this vantage point that I've had of working with people for decades across five continents. I have seen people completely transform their life. They are different.

from like hard alcoholics to unbelievably sober, never touching it again, to just raging anger and tempers like I used to have. I had an unbelievable temper and I had to stop that I knew that would not serve me at all in our marriage or parenting. And so I literally put that thing away for good before I ever met Rachel.

And man, that was a lot of work. But I knew that was a thing I had to put away and I couldn't use it as my excuse. I've always had a temper. I'm a redhead. What do you expect? That's what I was told, right? Or whatever. I had a rough life. Give me a break. It's like, that's a pathetic excuse. Stop it. And so you take whatever it is that's causing conflict and causing problems and limiting respect and limiting love.

and limiting attraction. Attraction, yeah. Yes. Because here's another simple example I thought of when you were talking. I mean...

Because you value our relationship so much and same for me like we're willing to do Whatever it takes to make it better even small things and one of them I think of is shoes When we first met you were wearing flip -flops on our very first date And that just about lost me the marriage just about lost her the date Especially because you have this big giant toe and it's missing a toenail and

Rachel Denning (37:23.566)
you love to go barefoot and you went barefoot for years or minimalist sandals, right? Which was great. But I prefer you in shoes. To hide my hobbit feet. No, not to hide your hobbit feet. To hide my hobbit, my embarrassing feet. I don't want anyone, I do not want those feet to be seen in public. Well, okay. It's not that shallow. I prefer to dress up nicer and... Rachel's classy, you guys. Yeah.

I'm classy. I was this barefooted shorts and a t -shirt guy like whatever. Which is great when we go to the beach and we live in a beach town. It's great that you go to the beach. It's awesome. And it wasn't just me but living in Europe also we changed and we got a classier style. But I guess what my point is I'm bringing up that...

You wear shoes now more often and you still tell me it's for me. Not that I'm making you wear shoes, but you're like, you like me to wear shoes and you like these shoes. And I wear jeans for you. Exactly. I hate jeans. Rachel's like, I like you in jeans. I'm like, done. I'll wear jeans. Now, and that's not like you wear jeans all the time. You're wearing shorts right now, but you wear it especially if we're going out. Do you know what my psychology is? I walk in the closet and I'm like, oh, I'm wearing my shorts. And then I think, no, Rachel likes jeans. And so I put on my jeans.

It's not that it's that big of a deal. And some things, I don't know, I guess each person has to evaluate. Like, is it worth having a battle over this? Is it worth my preference for shorts over pants? Like, if you like me wearing pants, I'm gonna do that because I want you to do that. Now, I'm not gonna go against my values or things that like, hey, that really matters to me. I'm gonna hold on to that. But I'm like,

like, okay, so I don't like pants, what can you do? You like them, I'm gonna wear them. Well, and like you said something like, we're not gonna make a battle about it, and it's not that I was. No, I never was. Making it a battle like, I want you to wear pants, what's the problem? It was just this, it's an example to me of the approach you take to our relationship. If I ever say something, you pay attention. You notice that I said, ooh, I really like when you're wearing jeans and these shoes. You like.

Rachel Denning (39:41.422)
You like that I like it and you decide to do more of it, if that makes sense. Not that I was asking to you to or complaining that you weren't. Or you never even made a big deal of it. You were being proactive about it. And that's a great example of how you do our relationship. You're proactive. You pay attention. You go the extra mile. You do the extra things because you're like, I care about you. I care about our relationship.

And so you're always trying to make it better. And in that journey, I have changed a lot of patterns and habits that I picked up from my childhood or living out on my own or in college or whatever. Subtle things you'd say, could you do it like this or I don't like it or are you going to just pay attention? I'd do it one way. You'd come in and fix it. And I'm like, OK. But I remember going through the psychology of it and thinking, well, whatever. That's the way I do it.

I don't do it like that. But then I thought, well, how stupid? Because if she likes it that way, great. And hopefully you guys know if you're new listeners, I'm not some pushover, cowardly husband where Rachel just rules the house here. And I'm just like, OK, dear, whatever you say, dear, I'm not like that. No, you're not like that at all. In fact, you're very firm about the things that you. There's plenty of times where you're like, I don't care. I'm doing it this way.

Because you're like, that matters to you. And you have a specific reason for doing it a certain way. And then I'm like, okay, great. And at that point, it doesn't become a battle because I know it's not that you're stubborn or you don't care about my opinion. You do because you've proven it before. I know this really matters to you. So you're gonna do it that way and I'm not gonna push you on that. I know it's important to you. Principle based. Yeah. So.

The invitation inside of marriage here is for each of you look very carefully at either pain points in your marriage or limiting factors in your marriage. And if it has something to do with your way of being, if you have had an addiction or a bad habit or.

Rachel Denning (42:00.462)
whatever quirk or personality, anything that's irritating or unpleasant or frustrating or unlikable, stop. And I know I can seriously hear some of you in my head. That's easy for you to say. I'm like, I'm telling you, I've done it. And I help people do this every week. This is what I get to do. So when I say stop, I mean stop. I say that because it's doable.

And it will totally transform your life for the better. You'll thank me, I promise. You get through the hard work of doing this, and yes, it is possible. Don't sit there and play the victim. I can't do it. I've always been like that. Oh, you don't understand. It's hard. Of course I understand. I'm just speaking straight here that this will save your marriage and the quality of your marriage if you will do what must be done to become a better partner, a better spouse, a better lover.

do the work. And back to this idea that people don't do it because they don't know what it's like on the other side.

if they could just get this vision of... Because some people think, well, we're not happy because we're not a good match or because we fell out of love or because whatever. They just come up with all these reasons and excuses. But the reality is you're not going to necessarily be happier with someone else. If you got divorced and found someone new,

Yeah, it'd be great, but eventually you would reach this same point in the journey because it's just a part of the journey. So the answer isn't to give up and go looking for a new relationship like some people do. The answer is this is what it's like and it will get better if you do the work. If you put in the effort, it actually gets way better on the other side. But...

Rachel Denning (44:02.861)
You have to know that, you have to have a vision of that and realize, oh, okay, it's not that there's something wrong with us or something wrong with our relationship or that we're not meant to be or this or that or the other. It's just, you know, this is what it's like. And so put in the work and the effort and change yourself. And on the other side of that, it's beautiful and it's wonderful and it's happy and it's fulfilling and it's everything you wanted it to be, but only if you do the work. Yep.

Because if you try to run away from it or leave it or blame it on circumstance, you'll only end up unhappy. And that's really the statistics. I mean the statistics are very clear on that. People who end up getting divorced... Five years later... Are not happier.

Now, obviously, Rachel and I are both clearly aware there are some exceptions. There are some marriages that will not last. And in fact, there are some that should not last. Some that should have not started. Some are just mistakes. You made a mistake at the beginning and sometimes, yeah, you just need to get out of that mistake. But it's rare. It's extremely rare the ones that cannot be totally rebuilt and remade. So we're going to do this little exercise here and I'm going to share some things that are just solid practices for a great marriage.

I want you to pay close attention to what pops up in your head for why you don't do these things. Because that's going to be the indicator. This is what reveals the blind spots and what we're talking about here. So I'll say, hey, are you doing this? And you might, there's kind of two things where I see this often. Like, yeah, we're doing that. That's good. I'm like, yeah, but are they awesome? Are you doing, is it really great? Oh, you know, things are good.

And I can tell because of other conversation, like, dude, it's not working. You're not doing it very well if you're doing it at all. But what often comes up more than often, or more often than not, is I say, well, are you doing this? Well, no, because, and right there is where you find the answer to the problems. So let's do this. Or it's closer to the root of the problem. Yes, closer to the root problem. Exactly right. So are you going on a date every week?

Rachel Denning (46:14.701)
Now, your aunt, what comes up? Well, we would, but we don't have a babysitter. We don't have a babysitter. Or we're on a tight budget. Or we're so busy. So busy. And so this is when all the excuses come up and all your reasons. These are not unique excuses. Like, everyone has these excuses. Right. And I hear it all the time. And I'm like, wait a minute. Well, some people do what must be done, and they go on a date, and they make it a priority. They get creative.

They do the extra work, they do whatever they have to do to make it happen. And the other side are like, no, we couldn't. We just can't. We just can't. And so that's literally what we're talking about today. This is what this episode is about. Do what must be done. Stop allowing the excuses to govern your life. Someone left a comment on one of my reels on Instagram saying, because it was a basic reel about mental health and like, here's the basics of having good mental health. And they're like,

These things are so basic and yet often people just don't do the basics even though the basics work. And I think this is very true here and in everything else. The things that work are often the basics, but we often have excuses for why we can't do the basics. Exactly. And it ultimately fundamentally comes back to making a change, a transformation, becoming the kind of person who does those things.

Because right now you're the kind of person who does what you do. Mm -hmm. Oh, let that sink in. Right now, you are the kind of person who does what you do. And you have the results of being that kind of person. Yeah, of being you. Exactly. Right now, you are reaping the results of being you. So it's like there's a book by Joe Dispenza called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. Essentially, that's what you have to do. You have to break the habit of being you because you is not working.

So if right now your marriage is okay, that's because you're you. And like we laugh about it, but that's the truth of it. And so if you want it better, you have to become a different person. And that's the work of carving away with chisel and hammer, carving away the part of you that's not serving you. So are you going on dates? Are the dates good?

Rachel Denning (48:39.341)
Are you having meaningful conversation outside of the transactional stuff of just talking about what needs to be done? Are you going to nice restaurants and nice places? Again, I can hear in your head, ah, I get to work with so many people, I can literally hear your voices like, we can't afford that. That's a luxury. Da da da da, whatever, I mean all the stuff. And I'm gonna ask, are you doing what's gonna be done? Would you take your potential wife?

to a nice restaurant if you were trying to impress her. And the answer is yes, you did that when you were dating. Oh dude, you were creative. You even showered. You worked extra time to save up, to take her to that restaurant. You worked out to look good. Yeah. And you brought showers. Those are the basics. And you went and got a new outfit. And now that you're married, you're like, oh, we're already married. We don't need to do the basics. I don't need to take her to a nice restaurant. Lame.

Not only lame, but it doesn't work. Now you're wondering why you're not happy. This is one of the reasons why. You're wishing you could have the spark you used to. Well, hello. Do what must be done. You're not sparking. Yeah, you're not sparking. I like that, babe. Be sparky. So again, whatever pops up, whatever your excuses, don't say I can't or I don't know how. Start asking yourself, how could I?

Do what must be done. What could you do to make that happen? And this is a simple example, but if you're like, oh, we don't have the money right now for that, okay, how could you earn the extra money? Can you get up a little earlier? Can you do work that's more valuable? Can you pump your skills? Can you sell something in your house? Yeah, can you sell some of that junk you don't need? Can you stop paying for Netflix, man, and start spending that on dates? Good night, just.

Whatever you got to do, just start looking. You can make it happen. So are you guys going on an overnighter regularly? We go on lots of them now. It's awesome. This weekend. Yeah, we're going this weekend again. This is a two night. This is a, what do you call it? A weekender. A weekender? I don't know. A double nighter. We're doing this, and we do it often. Are you guys doing that?

Rachel Denning (51:00.813)
And then when I ask that question, I know all the excuses are coming up. I hate leaving my kids. I just can't leave my kids behind. This is what the moms tell me. And do you know what I think? As great as that is, you are ruining your relationship with your husband. You're putting your kids above your relationship with your spouse. And that is going to end in disaster, or at least in misery. If it doesn't end in divorce, it's going to...

Exist in suffering and misery in distance and and maybe you're like well. No it doesn't our marriage is good We get along everything's okay, and maybe you are we meet a lot of couples who they tolerate a lot Well, I don't know how to say this in a nice way We know a lot of couples who think they have a good marriage some of them think they have a great marriage, but we look at them and we're like

you don't even know how much better it could be. You really don't know. And some of the reasons are you're not willing to do something like this. You won't go away with just the two of you. You won't X, Y, Z. You don't do these things. You don't know how much better it could be. And so you think it's good, but there's more.

Potential you're leaving on the table and you're both good people so you tolerate a lot and you're very patient You try to make the most of it, but your marriage shouldn't be going along trying to make the most of it right trying to avoid conflict or fights or Tolerating the annoying things your spouse does you're settling for so much less Yeah, then what's capable and you're just trying to make the most of mediocrity?

And that sounds really harsh. But it's true. It is true. And so if, gentlemen, if you're, you know, you may be like, oh yeah, we'll go on this trip. I just got to work. No. Do what must be done. Put the phone down. And you moms are like, we can only go for one day. And I got to call the kids every hour to make sure everything's OK. Like, no, stop. Be with your man. Yeah, be a lover. Be all in. Like you would. You.

Rachel Denning (53:23.757)
We could just go on and on. But I hope I hope you're all.

getting this. Having ideas. Yeah. I hope it's sparking and I hope - Excuses sparking in your head. Yeah, exactly. The things that are popping up, just look at them objectively. Kind of step outside yourself and watch the excuse pop up like in those little bubble boxes. You see, just imagine a little bubble box like, oh, I can't do this. We've always done it this way. Well, my parents, this and you know, I was raised, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all these little bubbles pop up and just look at it objectively and be like, really?

That's what's keeping me back? That's what you're gonna hold on to? You're gonna keep that? You're gonna keep playing that card? It's hard for me.

Oh man, that makes me very lovingly want to slap you. With all the love in the world. With all the love in the world. Ka -chow! But in all honesty, we have to, and you guys, Rachel and I are speaking from having done this. We're not asking, we would never ask you to do something that we have not done and are not doing. And would never, I would say we would never ask you to do something that we didn't believe was possible for you.

Now again, granted for some people, is it possible for everyone? Not necessarily. There's certain circumstances. Uh -oh, I saw it. I saw it. Yes, you did. I know exactly what happened. As soon as you said, it's not possible for everyone, a bunch of them are like, oh, whew, that's me. I'm that one. I'm the exception. I'm talking about extreme cases here, right? What I'm saying is there are extreme cases. There are people with. Yep.

Rachel Denning (55:09.741)
mental, like severe mental illnesses or in capabilities or like there, there's extreme cases out there where what we're talking about is not necessarily for them. Agreed. But people, probably people listening to this podcast, we're talking to you. You have the ability to make these changes. Yes. You have the opportunity.

Let's shift gears to parenting now. Same thing. Do what must be done. You all have heard me say before when Rachel and I had little kids, I just said, you know what babe, if one of our kids ever needs it, if one of our kids ever gets in trouble, because I'd been working with youth for a long time. I was working with youth before we even got married, I was working with youth. And I had been a youth out on my own. Like I got this.

I know what it's like and I saw it. You were adulting at a young age. Exactly. I was, yeah, at 16 I'm like, okay, I gotta take care of myself. I gotta live. And so it was an interesting perspective to go to high school and see all these kids being kids. And I'm like, well, like I gotta own everything. I don't have the luxury of being a kid. I own all my responsibility and to watch them make decisions and do things from that perspective of like, I'm here with you, I'm your peer. I'm the same age as you, but I'm.

100 % responsible for everything in my life right now and I'm seeing you make stupid stupid decisions and the psychology behind it all and so I always said look if if one of our kids ever gets into a spot or even gets close to a spot of trouble I will take that kid and we will go live on Mount Kilimanjaro. That was my statement. That was my far distant place. I'll do whatever needs to be done. Knowing I mean we know you can't actually live on Kilimanjaro like you know. I would.

Okay, camping, you could camp up there. And honestly, you guys, I mean this. When I say that, I'm not just tongue in cheek, I'm not being flippant, like I am dead serious. I would go to the ends of the earth to help one of my children.

Rachel Denning (57:23.597)
be who they need to be. And we use Kilimanjaro as an example because it represents an approach to parenting that is effective, which is intervention is one way of wording it or investment. Absolutely, investment and also pattern interrupt. So when you take a kid out of the normal environment that they're comfortable with or used to,

it helps to spark their brain and think helps them to think differently. So if they're in this route of doing certain things and especially if they're doing things that are damaging or dangerous or unhealthy. If you take them out of that, it's helping to reset how they think, how they operate, how they view things. It's giving them a new perspective. Just like taking them up on a mountain gives you a new perspective of what you can see.

It's the same type of idea. So it's a very symbolic and representative of this process we're talking about. That we've always been willing to do whatever it takes to intervene if something's happening with our kids. And to be more proactive than that, to never allow it to get that far. Well, okay, I was actually just going to add to that. Because we do intervention, but we've never had to do intervention with something super serious like drugs or porn or things like that. Because we've always...

done intervention early on. We're able to pick up teeny little signs or red flags or think of like, oh, that's potentially dangerous. That's potentially going to go down this road. Let's intervene now. We're going to have this conversation. We're going to take away this thing. We're going to move this, have this pattern interrupt. Whatever it requires, we're doing that thing because we're doing what needs to be done. And we're not waiting for the baby problems.

baby dragons to grow into big dragons, we are killing that dragon while it's a baby, even though it's cute and you like dragons, but. So what are you doing? Are you doing it? Are you? I guess I want to point out and emphasize here the default setting for people, including your children, will be a rut. That's the default. Like you're just going to be in a rut. And if you don't.

Rachel Denning (59:46.861)
You have to constantly be fighting it off. The rut is the default. The rut is what happens automatically. You don't have to put forth any effort to get into a rut. So just assume that if you aren't fighting deliberately and proactively, you're in a rut and your kids are in a rut. So our job is to consistently get them out of ruts, ourselves and our kids. And that's also how you grow. Same with your marriage, right? Your marriage is in a rut.

in order to get out of the rut, you have to change, you have to transform. This is the same with parenting, with helping your children develop and be able to launch. You have to get them out of the rut, which is the same as helping them grow and transform. Ooh, I like this. This is like rut resistant. I don't know. Resist the rut. We got to come up with a strategy for this. That's what you're doing. You're fighting the rut.

So are you doing that on a regular basis? Are you investing massively in your kids? And that is time and money and meaning. Are you helping your kids live a great story? Are you living a great story for your kids? Are you modeling the way? Not for them, but to model for them. Setting the example for them, right? But not living.

story for them. They need to live their own story. Are you pushing their limits? Are you keeping them uncomfortable enough? Some of you have made your kids life so comfortable, you're actually getting the opposite effect of what you wanted. You're crippling them and it's making it worse. It's making parenting harder because their lives are so easy and too good. And then some of you have made it a little too hard in the wrong ways or difficult. Like...

I guess I'm asking and then now pay attention. What's coming up? So I was gonna say that. I think one of the most important keys to parenting is paying attention. You have to be able to notice what's going on. Like, where are all of my kids mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and what's happening with them? And predicting.

Rachel Denning (01:02:06.733)
I think a lot of parenting is predicting where these behaviors are leading, which comes, this is where human psychology comes into play. Like when you, which is why everyone should study it and learn about this, because when you understand human psychology and behavior and you can now look at behaviors and say, these behaviors lead to these outcomes. Like that's just where they go. So if you start seeing those behaviors, you can intervene and say, hey, kids.

Let's do something different here. Let's get you out of this rut because this rut leads here. So paying attention is key to doing that. Yep, absolutely. So are you paying attention? Now what comes up? What excuses? What reasons? I'm too busy. I'm at work. I'm not home all day. I have to work to provide for family. Well, OK, is your work providing well enough or is it taking too much time?

Oh, well, it's just this kind of work, okay? How long have you known this is a problem? Years? Why in the world are you still doing that work? Why have you not changed? Well, because it's hard. That's what I'm talking about. That's what this episode is all about, doing what must be done. If you know you need to change careers, you better get after it. If you know you need to put up new boundaries with your boss or your situation or whatever, you better get after it.

If you need to double or triple your income for your kids to reach their potential, you better get after it. And like whatever it is, again, I can't emphasize this enough. Do what must be done. And I have to say here, without sacrificing the other important things, you have to learn how to do what must be done without making massive sacrifices to your health or your spiritual wellbeing or your marriage or whatever else.

You can't just throw away everything else because you're doing what must be done. I'm doing what the Denning said, and I'm what must be done over here, and everything else falls apart because you're doing what must be done. No. This also includes doing what must be done for everything in a holistic approach. You've got to optimize your life. And if you need help, that's why we have our coaching programs to help people optimize. That's why I have the Be The Man Masterclass and try it. That's why I coach people. So you get holistic optimization to do.

Rachel Denning (01:04:32.077)
what must be done.

I love this stuff. You also wanted to talk about food and then... Well, so just go through every aspect of your life and see where there's major pain points. So if it's a health issue, like are you in fantastic health?

Rachel Denning (01:04:56.717)
Well, no, because I have this disorder. Okay. Or, no, I had children. Or, no, I have kids. Or, no, I have kids and a job. Or, no, I'm too busy. Or... I'm too busy to work out. I'm too busy to eat well. I don't, you know, I don't do the cooking. Or, I don't have time to shop. Or, like, we have all these excuses when you stop and say, well, okay, if you're going to do what must be done, well, it's really... And it's interesting, like, some of these things actually aren't that hard.

It doesn't take more time to eat less food, right? If you're an overeater and getting healthy food, preparing healthy food and preparing unhealthy food isn't that much of a time difference. Now, the reason why people disagree with that is because initially it can be more time. When you are making a switch and this is true with everything we've talked about. When you're making the change that the transition time.

can require more time because there's a learning curve there. You're learning a new skill. But once you gain the skill of learning new skills, it actually gets easier to transition and learn new skills because you have the skill of doing that. Which, thank you so much for bringing that up. That brings up one of the major obstacles. Why people don't do what they must be doing. They say, I don't know how. Right. And that's exactly what you addressed right there. There is a learning curve. But that's just an excuse. And it's a pathetic one to say, well, I don't know how. Find out.

because YouTube has every instructional video you would ever need for doing anything you could ever think of. And so you can buy books, you can listen to podcasts like you're doing right now, you can get coaching if you need to, you can find the resources, they're out there and you can get them. It's just you didn't want to or you didn't put in the work to do it. And again, I hear you saying, well, no, I want to, I really want to.

Like, no, bogus. I'm going to call bogus on that because if you really wanted it, you would make the change. You would do it, it must be done. And so I know this is like some hard straight talk right now, but please know this is coming from understanding, from my own journey, and from helping lots of people, and from a place of love. You don't really want it. If you're not changing, you don't really want it. And if you're not willing to do what it takes, it's because I'll be straight with you. You don't care enough.

Rachel Denning (01:07:15.789)
Right, because when you get to that point when it really matters to you, and often people don't get to that point until there's a major crisis. Maybe their health is on the line. Maybe they're completely broke. Maybe they're literally about to get divorced. That's usually when people start looking at these, like making these changes. Sometimes it's too late, but if you get that same drive or intensity earlier, you can...

Make the change. You have the power to do it, but you're not motivated enough because you're not seeing, like I talked about, you don't have the same understanding of human psychology to be able to look at what you're doing right now and saying, if I keep eating like this, that's leading to me being sick and having cancer or something. If I keep treating my spouse like this or my marriage like this, it's leading to divorce. If you can put yourself in that place,

Now, you can forward think, you know, oh, this is where it's leading and feel that pain now, which is, this is what people like Tony Robbins and all, you know, anyone who studies psychology does this with you. They're like, imagine that pain now. Now you have the motivation to actually do something about changing this. Because in a very real way, you have to act like your life depends on it and it does, but it's just long -term. It's just, it's spread out over the long game.

So jump ahead and say, oh my goodness, this just destroys my quality of life or my life itself. Bring it back to today's decision. Exactly. So let's just play this out here. If I like junk food or candy or I eat too much or I get fast food all the time. Which you did as a teenager. You loved mint chocolate chip ice cream and Mountain Dew. And every other kind of candy and junk and garbage and Dr. Pepper.

I mean, I just, oh, I was a mess. And that all stopped before I met Rachel because I'm like, where am I going? What is it I really want? And I got to this point, I'm like, well, I want to be in great shape. I want to be really fit and healthy, but I also want ice cream and soda. Well, guess what? Those don't go together. So which one am I going to sacrifice? My health or my taste bud for ice cream and soda? Well, I ditched those. Right.

Rachel Denning (01:09:41.965)
And I changed them and I cut them out completely. Well, and sorry, I just want to tell a story here because this I think this story represents doing what must be done. When we met and we were getting married, I remember we were registering for our wedding registry, you know, and we went to Target. That's where we were registered and and we were putting all the utensils and everything on the registry. You go around scanning everything and I was like, oh, let's get this. Let's get this ice cream scooper.

And you're like, no, we're not getting that. I was like, yes, honey, we need an ice cream scooper because I can't scoop the ice cream with just a spoon. It bends the spoon and it just doesn't work. We need an ice cream scooper. And you're like, no, we don't. And suddenly it clicked. Oh, we won't be eating ice cream. Like it was like that. And suddenly it was the shift of this whole new way of life. If I was like, okay, you're right.

And I was motivated, of course, because my dad at the time had cancer. And so we'd already been talking about... That had been a result of his poor diet. Exactly. We had already been talking about these things, but it was that thing that finally shifted it to like, oh yeah, we're not going to be buying ice cream. So I don't need an ice cream scooper. So I don't need an ice cream scooper. So you have to change the way you think and change the way you do life and change the way you shop. If there's one thing that's been a contributing factor to our health...

It's the way we shop. We read all the ingredients. We don't buy things that have certain ingredients like high fructose corns or sugar, right? We're very strict on everything we buy. So it makes eating easy. We're not at home struggling on what to eat because everything we eat in the house, we pre -decided if we were going to eat it or not before we bought it. Which is an important factor because if we're in a hurry, or we need to stop real quick and get only the essentials.

We know what those are. We're not running to the chips and soda aisles, guys, and then running out saying, I didn't have time, so I just grabbed the essentials. Exactly. Like if we're going for only essentials, which this never happens. We're directing our lives very methodical about shopping. We're not like, oh, I only have 20 minutes. Let's run in and grab something really unhealthy. If that were to happen, which it doesn't, we would go right to the produce section and grab some organic fruit and come out.

Rachel Denning (01:12:07.789)
That would be our quick, hurry, only essential shopping. And so, yeah, you make these fundamental changes. You do what must be done to get the results you want. And like, I want to get into this. I'm going to walk down this path for a minute. So I'm busy with work. And so I start. This is figurative. I'm in great shape. So hypothetically,

I'm busy and so I'm eating more junk and then I start to get a little chubby and Rachel notices and maybe she's nice and doesn't say anything or maybe she jokingly says something and so I start going well it starts to affect what I'm able to do. It starts to affect my attractiveness to my wife. Even if it's subconscious. Yep. It starts to play out in my own confidence and self -image. It starts to affect that.

pretty quickly that'll start to affect my sex drive because when you that's just science that's not my opinion as science it starts to on a cellular level yep well it just starts to tank your libido and your sex drive and then it's gonna start affecting our sex life and it just on and on which then affects our marriage and yep and it's gonna affect the other way people perceive me like it or not that's the way it is people perceive you a certain way so it's changing perception and then now I gotta get a new wardrobe because now I don't fit my other clothes.

And so this starts going on and on and on, and it's having this massive effect, right? It has way more effect than we might consider. And so then I've gotten to a point where it's even harder now. Like it would have been easier to maintain it, now I gotta get it back. Again, do what must be done. If you gotta start doing regular three day fasts, you gotta start hitting cardiovascular exercise hard five, six, seven days a week.

If you just gotta do whatever you gotta do, do it. And again, that's why we wanna emphasize it. And I hope this doesn't make you feel guilty or bad. I hope it's inspiring and motivating. Although we're just dropping the hammer here on you. There's some feel bad to this that actually can be good. Where there's pain, there's power. We want to bring this up. Guilt is not the bad thing that everyone makes it out to be.

Rachel Denning (01:14:30.733)
Guilt is a tool that's very useful. So if there is guilt, there's a reason for that. You have guilt because you know you're not doing what you want to hold yourself to. That's why guilt exists. It's your own standards being violated. Now sometimes we associate it with religious standards or other things like that and that does have a place but if you can...

learn to strip that away and get down to what your standards are, there will still be guilt when you don't live up to them. That's why guilt exists. It's like biological to help us pursue the best path in life. This is the path that's gonna help you survive optimally and have the best chance of happiness. And you're gonna feel bad if you're not on that path. That's essentially what it is. So yeah, we shouldn't.

feel bad when we have guilt or think it's wrong to have guilt or that we should avoid guilt at all costs, I don't think that's actually useful. We need to pay attention to the guilt and say, OK, why am I feeling this guilt? And use it for our betterment. Exactly. Do what must be done. Right. And so in this case or any case you can think of, just scan through your whole life. If there's a pain spot, if there's a problem that's preventing you from

Even if it's not really painful or it's not causing problems, but it's at least limiting you, it's holding you back, it's a factor that's preventing you from being your best and living where you're capable of, get really honest with yourself and set some higher standards and some hard lines of doing what must be done. I guarantee you if there was like a health issue, for example, man, I would just cut out.

every crap and I would never touch it again for the rest of my life. And I've already done that actually. It's like, stay healthy fit. And I did that you guys, I was consuming that stuff like crazy. And then I said, no, never again, done. I don't drink soda. And I don't eat just normal ice cream. Right? Meaning we do eat ice cream now, but it's keto ice cream or homemade ice cream. Or I'll have some super dark gelato in Europe.

Rachel Denning (01:16:48.749)
Oh yes, that too. Okay, so maybe you're like, you're such a hypocrite for gelato. You're an admitted hypocrite for gelato? There it is, I guess. Is gelato as bad as ice cream? So maybe everything I've just said is just full of it. That's it. Throw it away. Throw it up. Delete. But do what you have to do. Here's an example. Let's address that for a second, because I think this is important. And it also brings up the fact that there are...

phases. When you're going through a do what must be done phase, they're like, it's hard line, right? Because you're establishing, you're getting out of a rut and into a new habit. So you have to be extremely strict in that case. But I would say that once you have established positive habits,

And you're a new person. And you're a different person. Now, something like you, your chocolate gelato, it's an exception to the rule, if that makes sense. Right. You're not eating crap every single day. You're not having ice cream every meal. You know what I'm saying? Gelato becomes a treat. That's the exception to your everyday life as opposed to if you're switching your habits, if you're changing your eating habits.

because they're unhealthy, you're just giving yourself an excuse if that makes sense. One becomes a, you could say reward or whatever, it's a treat on occasion where the other is this is your normal way of being. That makes a difference. So it is important to recognize that it's not like...

If you choose a healthy lifestyle, you'll never ever eat XYZ again for the rest of your life. But if you do eat it, it's going to be rare. Right. Because you've established healthy eating habits. So you set, well, you set a standard and well, I guess that's another part of this invitation is go through your life and set standards and then set up systems to support the standards.

Rachel Denning (01:19:02.381)
and hold your standards. Yes, systems to support the standards. We don't buy chocolate gelato. We don't have chocolate gelato at our house. We get chocolate gelato when we go traveling in Europe and it's a treat type thing. And about a scoop or scoop and a half is about all I can handle. Yeah, exactly. Whoa, okay. That's wow. Plus it's expensive, so that's a good thing. But...

But there's a certain amount of effort that's required to establish new habits and that's why it's important to be stricter about whether it's eating or exercising or even just new marriage habits or new parenting, like all of these things. You have to be stricter about it. And this is where people can often get hung up is because they think something like that, well it's not a big deal if I eat gelato. Okay, you're right, it's not.

unless it becomes the norm. Or unless you're already unhealthy. Unless you're already unhealthy. You've got to get back to the standard. It's less of an issue for someone who's healthy because the habits to support that and the systems to support that than it is for someone who's unhealthy. Same with your marriage. It's less of an issue to have a little spat about something when the marriage is strong than if the marriage is off course.

parenting, all of those things. So it's a good kind of example of establishing the habits requires more fortitude than once they're in place. And now these things are not as big of a deal because the strength of the relationship or the way of being is stronger. So I guess to wrap up, I wanna just emphasize this need for discipline and grit.

Rachel Denning (01:20:57.837)
Resolve. Fortitude. Fortitude to set a standard. Do what must be done and stick to it. And make the changes. Because I have conversations a lot where I'm like, hey, look, this is what you need to do to grow your business. Oh, man, I do not like doing that. Like, well. That's what has to be done. I don't care whether you like it or not. And I want you to say to yourself, I don't care whether I like it or not. It has to be done. So do it. Right.

This is what needs to be done to improve your marriage. Well, I don't want to have that fight or that argument or that discussion or that talk. Or to change all of me and this thing I've been doing for so long. I'd rather not. I'd rather just kind of sit here and enjoy myself. I don't care. What do you really want? Yeah, exactly. So dig deep, get whatever tools and resources, accountability.

If you need a certain book you read from every day, if you need to rewrite your goals every day, if you need to create a vision board, if you need to hire a coach, if you need to put some serious consequences on the line, like you figure out whatever you need to do to make this shift, like to do what must be done. And if you'll make that commitment, whether it's with your marriage or your money, or if it's with your health or your parenting,

just resolve right now that you will do what must be done now. Starting now. Sooner than later, right? Don't wait, stop procrastinating. That's another big excuse. People are like, well, I'll get to it. I'm going to do that. I will do that. And it's like, well, yeah, out, out, out, out. And there's always some excuse. Like, get after it. Do what must be done. And the whole reason we did this entire episode, we've just been railing.

is because of what's on the other side. The reward for this, the reward in life of doing what must be done to get to a next level of quality is you guys, it's just, it's worth it. Oh, it's happiness. It's bliss. It's inner peace. It's outer peace. It's love and romance and passion and respect and impact. And I just, I just think of.

Rachel Denning (01:23:21.261)
the relationships we have with our kids. I mean, it's just so enjoyable and absolute trust. We can send our kids who are 15 and 16 off like across the country and go work. Our 15 and 16 year old went to house it by themselves for 10 days. Totally in charge, taking care of animals, the whole house, everything. We just sent them off by themselves because there's total trust and they're responsible. And there's, there's no fighting.

among our older kids. None. The little ones still squabble over toys and stuff and we, okay, okay. But like, that's just little kids squabbles, right? They're learning. But there's no fighting. And there's no like, there's no big issues or nothing. And we're not boasting or bragging here, but we're just saying this stuff works. When you're willing to do what it takes, then you get these rewards that most people can't. Right.

But we had to do the work. We had to put in the effort. And well, yeah, I was going to say this before, but I just want to emphasize we know that it's not easy and it's not always going to be.

comfortable for those around you too. People are sometimes not going to like you for doing those things. They're not going to like you for making these hard choices. That might be extended family, that might be friends, that might be your boss. It's not always easy, but when you have this vision that you're pursuing of what's possible and what you can create, it's going to be worth it, even if other people don't understand. So true.

One of the guys in my master class just decided he was done drinking. He was like, this isn't adding value to my life. I'm done. And he stopped drinking. And his friends and his family members, whoa, whoa. I mean, they put up a big old stink. And he was quite concerned about it. He was nervous about it. I was like, man, I'm going to hang out with my buddies. They drink like crazy. I'm not drinking anymore. And we walked through this scenario. And he went. He's like, it was fantastic. It was great. I stood my ground. Everything was good. They respected it. And it was great.

Rachel Denning (01:25:35.501)
keeping this commitment of like, I'm not doing that anymore. And you're right, there's going to be some stink around it sometimes and things might be off or weird or different because you're going to be different, but roll with it. It'll be so worth it as you become the best version of yourself. Love you guys. Reach out for it.