Get answers to your questions about marriage, parenting and family life from experts and parents of 7 children!

Rachel Denning (00:01.198)
Hey my friends, welcome to another episode of the Extraordinary Family Life podcast. Have you ever tried to make some significant changes in your life and found it hard to get long lasting results? Or even tried to create some results and they just didn't stick? I remember times in my life where I wanted to make changes and it seemed like for some reason, whatever.

Whatever I was doing was like, just didn't work. It didn't work out very well. I just seemed bound or stuck or trapped. Maybe you felt that before. Maybe you've met people like that or seen people like that. Some people, like everything they touch works out. And other people, everything they touch seems to not work out. And it just seems so random. It seems so odd. Or you're rolling along and...

It was hard as you're trying and you're following the rules and you're like, I learned about this and I did these things and I'm just going, it's just not working. There's this amazing phenomenon and I've called it here being trapped in trauma. And the way it works is we get caught, we get stuck.

and we get trapped or stuck or imprisoned in something that happened and we hold onto it. And here's where the phenomenon is. It's really interesting. We hold onto that thing and it begins to affect every other area of our lives. Things that seem really unrelated. Things are like, well, what does that have to do with that, right? It's like.

Totally off. You're like, that should have nothing to do with this other thing. And yet if it's affecting our way of being and our way of being really is the combination of our thoughts and our feelings combined into our presence, our personality, our character, just the way we do life. Anything that affects the way of being in some way, either subtle or great affects.

Rachel Denning (02:22.989)
all the other things that we do because it say if it affects me that it affects all the things that I do. Right. And that makes sense to us. So it's interesting. And I recently heard of this doctor he was he was he works with lots of different patients and he's found and I found this too when I'm working with people that he'll have them you know do specific things and he mentioned specifically doing physical things. I want you to do these exercises do them consistently do them vigorously eat these kinds of foods do this.

and he began to notice a pattern and I've noticed the same pattern for years. I've noticed the same pattern that the people, you know, you take these groups of people, right? And some of them do, they all do the exact same thing and some of them get results and some don't.

This fascinating like, well, they're doing the things. What's off here? What's missing? And what was really interesting and quite fascinating is he found that people who were stuck in trauma or trapped in trauma, they had a hard time getting results with the, even though they were doing the right things, like this.

sink in. I know it's a it's a it sounds crazy. It sounds kind of nuts. It seems unrelated, but roll with me here on this. The people who were trapped in trauma didn't get the results they could have. And it wasn't until they broke free of the trauma that then everything started to change and they began getting the results they really wanted in massive ways.

And I've seen this with my coaching clients again and again, and people I've worked with all around the world and in myself, literally in myself, when I let go of trauma, I was able to actually begin to see clearly. Like I saw it before somebody would say something and I would like, Oh yeah, I get that. But it wasn't until I let go of the trauma that I really got it. When it deeply made sense. And I'm like, okay, you guys know what I'm talking about, right?

Rachel Denning (04:36.621)
You can get it kind of on a cognitive level. You get on the superficial level. You're like, yeah, I get it. And then there's like, whoa, I get it. And it starts to change your life. And then I was able to get results. And it was really fascinating that sometimes just doing the same things, but something now that trauma was unlocked and released and the barrier, the anchor, the weight, whatever you want to call it, the trap, the cage was opened. And I was able to just make massive progress.

So let's back up now. And trauma is just part of life. Holy guacamole. You guys know this. Trauma is just part of life. It's just tough. You go through all these experiences and man, humans, right? You gotta love them and sometimes you hate them. They're so infuriating. They make life so wonderful and sometimes so miserable. Oh, human beings. Man, they bring us the greatest joy and the greatest misery.

This is hard to be around humans and because we all make mistakes and we all do dumb things, say dumb things, we're all trying to figure out our journey, well, it results in trauma. And trauma can come, obviously, from like cases of abuse, where it's sexual abuse or physical abuse, but then it gets to things like emotional abuse, like weird manipulations, like unspoken things, kind of these bizarre...

manipulative behaviors that really leave scars and imprints and there's trauma in that. It's the verbal abuse, even spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, of course, there's all these different things. So, you know, if it's a direct impact like that, but then there's trauma that comes from neglect, from things that should have been happening but didn't. And so it wasn't, you know,

It wasn't direct like they did this to you. It was kind of indirect. They didn't do it. Maybe they didn't give you enough attention or love or concern. Maybe they didn't compliment you, praise you. Maybe they didn't appreciate you. And so you feel, you know, you don't feel validated. You don't feel loved. And then you start to question whether you're lovable enough. So that kind of neglect trauma can come from just, just life happening experiences, failures.

Rachel Denning (07:04.781)
big setbacks, disasters, whether it's a personal disaster, a family disaster, or a local disaster, or a massive world disaster, right? Those big kind of things. It can come from things you observe or see. It can even happen in others and you just see it, but it leaves you traumatized. It can even come, interestingly, from your own thoughts when you can think something repeatedly or have a massive psychological impact from something you think.

or something you hear or on and on. I mean, there's so many ways to experience trauma, but it leaves a mark. And if we don't learn how to process that effectively, then the trauma kind of sticks and it leaves this mark in there, a scar. It plays out differently for each person, but it does have an effect. And what happens is that when we're stuck in that trauma, we're trapped in the trauma,

then that starts to affect other areas of our life. And so I just wanted to, hopefully this is sinking in, it's hitting home for you and you're like, ooh, ho ho, I see that. I see it played out almost daily as I'm working with my coaching clients. And I get to work with just wonderful, great people and help them achieve great things. I just love it. I love, love, love that I get to do this. It's such a privilege and a blessing. But I come across everything from,

Any of the abuses that have happened to the neglects to, you know, terrible experiences or experiences they wish they had, but they didn't. Giving up on hope and dreaming. It comes from, you know, being depressed or being fearful or anxious or, you know, and feeding those fears and becoming just constantly worrying. There's a, there's trauma and stress. Maybe it's a work situation or a financial situation where you have those trauma. What I found is that.

It kind of lodges itself in there. So I'm trying to give all kinds of different metaphors and imagery here. So you can see something that gets lodged in there. Maybe you've heard me talk about, maybe it's like a thorn. This thorn just gets shoved in there. And let's roll with this one for a second. Let's say it's a thorn from something one of your parents did or did not do. And so that just gets shoved into your side. And man, it just hurts.

Rachel Denning (09:32.685)
And so you're going along and you never, you never learn how, I mean, where do they sit you down and help you process your emotions? Where do you sit down and you get this instructive hand holding this beautiful journey of letting go of the trauma, like bringing it up, processing it and releasing it and being done. So it's no longer a part of your life. Most of us don't get that. Some of us kind of just go through it and figure it out on our own. Sometimes it gets knocked off, but most...

People have some kind of trauma that's just kind of lingering it just sticks around and so if you've got a big thorn in your side This one fits perfectly with the metaphor works with what we're talking about. You got a thorn in your side You're just kind of you just hurting And like when we're literally hurting like last night. My back was so sore for some reason I don't even know why and it was kind of pulsating down my sciatic nerve, right? Maybe you've experienced that before you just had

a pain somewhere or a headache, you had a bad headache. And the headache has nothing to do with your kids, nothing to do with your spouse, nothing to do with your finances. But man, it just makes you miserable. So you have this headache and you're just sitting there like, oh, no, I feel like crap. And the meal's not even that good and the dates.

You know, it's not near as enjoyable, the movie, the experience, whatever. Kids are doing something great and you're just sitting there like, oh man, I just want to be unconscious right now. Right, when you're feeling sick or when you're having pain, you understand this, we all get this. And so it's unrelated, but it's affecting everything. Right, if you have a nasty headache or you got the thorn in your side, it's affecting your whole experience. And then, let's go with the thorn in the side thing, somebody bumps into it accidentally.

It wasn't on purpose. They didn't grab the thorn and shove it in. They just bump into it because it's life. Even ironically, they lean in to hug you. They're actually coming to give you love and attention, what you need and want. But they bump the thorn and it inflicts so much pain that you lash out at them and push them away. Get away from me. That hurts. And they're going, what in

Rachel Denning (11:50.253)
the world is going on. Because they just came in for love, but they bumped something. And that's the case with trauma that traps us. And it very often prevents us from reaching levels of success and happiness. Just the joy of life and...

what's possible, wonderful and amazing, we just can't quite enjoy it. And again, let's go with this whole, you know, you got a nasty headache or a thorn in the side and you're there and you're experiencing it all, but it's not near what it could be. You know, kids are having this wonderful...

Recite they're you're making music and playing games and laughing and having a great time It's a wonderful evening and you're just sitting in the corner going. Oh, man. I just am hurting Or your spouse is just trying to treat you so nice and wine and dine you and take you out, you know on a great date and just love and compassion and romance and spark and you're just sitting there like don't touch that thorn don't

near me because it hurts so bad and I'm here but it's not so good. Or maybe it's around money and income and investing and you really could you have the potential to be just a phenomenal worker to add more value to the marketplace to get paid more to get those investments working to think clearly but have you ever noticed how hard it is to think clearly when you got a nasty headache or a real pain in your body somewhere?

And the trauma will do the same thing. I've seen it literally prevent people from losing weight. This one just fascinates me. When people are trapped in trauma, some kind of psychological or emotional pain, they actually keep the weight on. They might be doing all the right things. And I know this sounds crazy, but roll with me here for a minute. They might be doing all the right things, exercising, eating better, but they're just not getting any results.

Rachel Denning (14:09.581)
And then when they let go of the trauma, when they do the healing of the psychological or emotional trauma, then they get the results. It's fascinating. I've seen it again and again. And it's true and it's real. I had to do the same thing, my friends. I had to go through and look at all the trauma in my life. And I think we all need to do this, every one of us. So roll through and look at the trauma, look at the pain points.

Where are your pain points? What is your trauma? If you had to just kind of identify it, is there something that keeps coming up? Do you have a thorn that you're kind of protecting and keeping people away from? And it doesn't matter whether they're coming in, you know, to, they're coming in to smack you or coming in to hug you, either way it hurts.

Do you have some of that? Is it around experiences you had as a childhood with siblings or friends? Did you not get enough attention? Was somebody really rude and mean to you and planted the seed of insecurity or doubt or fear? Did somebody make you think you're not lovable? Did you make some mistakes and feel like you're broken?

and can't be repaired. Maybe you feel like you're just damaged goods. Or maybe it was something really traumatic. Maybe you tried something and it didn't work out. So you just said, you know what, that ouch, that was really painful. I'm never trying again. And so you have all these opportunities and all this potential sitting right in front of you. I mean, amazing greatness.

Sitting there on the table and you won't pick it up because you're like I tried that once and man it did not work out So what happens we have that trauma as we end up going into what I call biological autopilot Where your brain your body is doing anything and everything to avoid pain. We've talked about this before It's just in these avoidance patterns and saying no way we're not going that way, right? So we're not making that happen

Rachel Denning (16:20.685)
But what's really fascinating, my friends, and so important, the only way to create change is to change the way you feel, which will, of course, change the way you behave.

And once we remove the painful meaning, the trauma that you have towards a person or a situation or an idea, you will alter the course of your life. So your trauma might appear anytime you think of a certain situation or person. It might appear anyone anytime.

And sometimes it's unconscious. Somebody says something or does something or there's a smell or a sight or a story or a name that reminds you and damn, there's your trauma right there. And it's there to trap you again and to say, Hey, remember, I'm still here. And so it holds us back from living that free light instead of heavy, you know, just contrast that. So you just feel so light and jovial and you, Oh man, you just feel.

You feel free to try things, to explore things, to be at your best. It's like trying to jump across a creek, but you got a 50 pound pack on. You're carrying this load of rocks in this pack of yours with all this trauma, and it's starting to hurt your back, and it's starting to hurt your hips, and your knees, and your ankles, and you're trying to jump across this creek, but it's just, boy, it's not very pleasant or enjoyable. And so you think, no, you guys go ahead. I'll just hold back.

And so we start to hold back and then, and we live trapped by our trauma. So I want you to, I just, I just wanted to do a short podcast. That idea just caught me so powerfully that many of us are trapped by our trauma. And if we can let go of that, if we can just, just give it a new meaning, rewrite it, remove it. I had to do this. I knew I had been affected by trauma, especially with relationships and my own.

Rachel Denning (18:29.741)
deep insecurities because of really mean things people had said to me or done to me, cruel things that had happened repeatedly of the way others, you know, decisions they had made. And I didn't have the cognitive ability yet at that point to realize, oh, they were just on their own journey. They were just trying to figure this out. Do you realize that? Your parents, your parents were just trying to figure this out. They were just, they were just trying to do life and.

Maybe they didn't have the tools and the mindset and the skill set and the heart set. They just were going along and they ended up having kids and you know, they're trying to raise kids doing the best they can, but they're doing it in the midst of their own journey of trying to figure out how to live, trying to figure out how to be successful and happy. I mean, life, life can be complex, right? And complicated and challenging. And if we're not in a good state,

And you add kids to the mix? That's tough. And then we grow up saying, well, they sucked his pants. Or they did this or they did that. Or they didn't. They should have. All these shoulds and all this, that and the other. And if we can stop and say, well, wait a minute, I'm going to let that go and realize they were just doing their thing. And I happened to come along while they were doing their thing. And maybe there was parts of it they didn't do very well. Or...

You know, somebody said something mean or did something wrong or had a major, you know, you try to start a business and it fails or you have a partnership that goes bad. And you say, well, you know, they're on their journey. They're doing their thing. But at some point, you and I, we have to let that trauma go. I knew getting married, that if I brought my trauma into my marriage, it would...

a lot of damage to my marriage or at least prevent it from being as good as it could be. And so I had to heal all the trauma and get rid of it. I had to process it and let it go. Some of it takes more work than others, but I also want to invite you to consider it's not as hard as you think it is. Sometimes you literally just have to make the decision and say, I'm letting this go. I'm no longer going to let this affect me.

Rachel Denning (20:49.965)
I'm not gonna let it bother me anymore. It's done. I'm just gonna say, and again, all you're doing is changing the meaning. You're just changing the meaning. And then you just condition yourself. Every single day you condition yourself to be your absolute best. You get up and you tune your instrument. Right? Every, I have to tune my violin every time I pick it up. And it's a great violin. We have to do the same thing with our minds and our hearts and our bodies.

So we decide, you know, I'm gonna let go. I'm gonna create some change here. I'm gonna let go of the trauma and I'm gonna step free from this cage. Because the trauma cage, it has an open door there and you just gotta go through it.

And so you process that you let it go and some of it honestly is just a decision of like, this is no longer going to hold me back. It happened, it's done. And you know, I drew an image the other day when I was thinking I drew an image of a person on the ground in a plank position, trying to do a pushup with a weight on their back. And you and I, we get to decide what that weight means to us. Is it there to crush us?

Or is it there to make us stronger? And it's just, it's just the mindset of like, okay, like sometimes I'll have my kids sit on me or lay on me while I'm doing pushups. That ups the game right there, right? Having the weight on your back, you can just lay there and say, oh, this is ruining my life. Oh, it's terrible. I can't do anything. I can't do what I want to do because I have this weight on my back.

Or you can say, this weight is here to make me stronger and you just get ripped and you start building those muscles and now you're stacked and you're like, yeah, that was there to make me stronger.

Rachel Denning (22:48.397)
You know, take two individuals, both born in the same home, and they grow up in an abusive situation. So they have the trauma, right? And one of them turns to drugs and violence and just a rough life and ends up in prison. The other one says, oh no, builds a family and fixes all their stuff, makes sure they have an incredible relationship with their spouse and their children and builds a successful business. And both of them blame...

their upbringing or use their upbringing as the reason for what they did and do. Let that sink in. Woohoo! Man, this is powerful stuff. So the trauma can be a weapon or a tool and you get it aside. But my friends, let's not remain trapped in trauma. So whatever is there, whatever is a pain point, whatever is the thorn in your side, whatever...

is keeping you trapped even if it seems unrelated. If you're genuinely trying to lose weight and you're exercising hard vigorously and well and consistently and you're eating well and it's not coming off, I know this sounds crazy but I want to invite you to look at the emotional and psychological side. The same is often true with finances, business, money, relationships. Like anything you're pursuing there can be this blockage and it seems unrelated. I get it.

It seems totally unrelated and you might be sitting and thinking that has nothing to do with that. Right? How can my emotional trauma have anything to do with what I'm working on over here? But I really think it does. And I hope you'll be willing to consider that and process it anyways, cause we'll just be happier and more joyful and life will be more enjoyable and we'll be able to move along faster and progress more rapidly and just live great. You guys.

Because awesome is always an option, it really is. It really is. And there's so many amazing opportunities. I think we're missing out on opportunities. Or even if we're taking advantage of them, there's another height, there's another level that we're missing as long as we remain trapped by our trauma. So let's work through that, make it happen. Love you guys so much. Reach upward.