Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:03.178 --> 00:00:13.739
Hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards parenting coach a mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Hi,
00:00:13.449 --> 00:00:20.559
Hi, I'm Suzy Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist, musician and mother of three teenagers. Two of them are twin. Now
00:00:20.789 --> 00:00:58.649
this isn't going to follow our usual format, because we want to pause and take time to celebrate our two year anniversary. What a ride. Yeah, the great thing is we have got old episodes now, which cover the sorts of things that people are going to be thinking about, like when my teenager is being difficult over Christmas. Yeah, we did that last we didn't we did it last year, we also entitled, yes, entitled, teen and present. So those ones we can what I'll do is on at the end of this podcast, I'm going to create a blog. And I'm going to have links to each of the things we talked about. So that if you think we'd like to listen to that one, you can go through the blog, and then find it perfect.
00:00:58.679 --> 00:01:13.950
Or you can just click on, you know, stop us and go and listen to it we're in between. So we're great believers and acknowledging special moments in our lives. And when I started this show, I didn't really know, I didn't know how much I was going to grow and flourish. I don't know, did you? What, have you flourished?
00:01:15.060 --> 00:01:16.019
I don't know, what do you think.
00:01:18.269 --> 00:01:31.109
And I want everybody, I want to encourage everybody to take time out of their day, your week, your year to take to just think about those moments when you think, gosh, I have actually come a long way I have changed. And it's good. I
00:01:31.109 --> 00:01:50.040
think that's really important. I think as a culture, we're terrible at that. And maybe particularly as mothers, I don't know if that's a massive generalization, but we don't we look at all the negative bias and we look at all the stuff that's gone wrong, and that we need to improve and be better at so we'd like news resolutions and stuff like that. But we often don't acknowledge what we have, yes, really important, actually
00:01:50.069 --> 00:02:36.870
really important. And no. And I also have noticed recently a couple of comments which have actually stayed with me, and they are parents who said to me, oh, you know, I'm on, you're doing so well. I'm not really I'm not doing as much as you. And then I suddenly thought, wow, we still have this culture where we feel like parenting is competitive is not, you know, just because somebody's doing a bit more of this than you doesn't make any difference at all, you're still a great parent. So just hang on to that thought if you're listening to this podcast, you're doing a great job. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I also feel really blessed to have this community. Because funnily enough, you know, when we started doing this, we were just like, right? And is anyone going to listen? Yeah, definitely.
00:02:32.310 --> 00:02:43.139
Message my friends and go, Hey, Kate, you wanna listen to my podcast, and now we've got people downloading it all around the world, which is incredible.
00:02:43.139 --> 00:02:47.370
So thank you, everybody, and also for the amazing feedback.
00:02:47.490 --> 00:02:47.849
Yeah.
00:02:47.849 --> 00:03:01.560
And it also my kids keep me down to earth, which is lovely. I always have ringing in my ears, my son said right at the start, who's one going to want to listen to you waffling on. So like, I always listen,
00:03:02.430 --> 00:03:38.729
I wanted to sort of dwell on some of the reviews, we've had no, all of the reviews we've had, because people have taken time out of their busy days, and actually sent us information about how it's impacted them. And that's incredible. So I just wanted to say a really, that we both really find it incredibly heartwarming. But I've also learnt and there were a couple of the reviews that I wanted us to go over again, because for me, they had the most impact in the sense that they made me reflect on what it is we're trying to do here and how that then impacts people in the world. So you Why don't you start with Paul Simmons, you messaged us on Instagram,
00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:58.919
happily, and also I think, you know, looking at feedback is really really important, isn't it? Because it's very much the the abundance mindset. Yeah, like, you know, the away from the competitive scarce you know, that if you if you've enjoyed something, then I always I make a conscious effort to kind of big people up. Yes.
00:03:55.590 --> 00:04:05.789
And you know, praise people and say, That's a great job. You know, anyone I mean, obviously, otherwise, it's insincere. But it's really important. Rather than the competitor of mine,
00:04:05.789 --> 00:04:09.930
we can do that for the parents. Yeah. So the feedback. Really lovely, really, really lovely.
00:04:10.110 --> 00:04:12.689
So this one, yep, it says, Thank you. Thank you.
00:04:12.689 --> 00:04:47.970
Thank you, my wife. And I just wish we had discovered your podcasts a year ago. We've both listened, absorbed and changed the way we parent off the back of such amazing insight of how our children see the world. Our home is now a calmer, more interactive and wholesome environment. And it's all down to you. Gosh, wow. We have finally realized that we have been the blockage to the communication with our girls and have changed. We now have so much happier girls who feel able to relax in the home environment. I'm not great with words. I don't know you doing pretty good job. Exactly. But you've changed our world. And you will never really know how indebted we are to you. Gosh, thank you. That's a really,
00:04:48.149 --> 00:06:07.290
it's a very beautifully written review. But for me what really resonated was this, how we can be the block to the communication and actually when we start thinking Ah, our job is not to fix our teams No, because we think it is. And that's what Janna Collini said in her review. She This is a lady who has a very stressful busy life. And she said she's she spent ages trying to fix my teenager when I stumbled across these podcasts and discovered they don't need fixing, but understanding you have helped me understand my daughter and be able to talk to her handle her and most importantly, help her get through this difficult time being that these podcasts come from presenters who actually have teenagers themselves, Oh, yes. makes the program real, because they really understand what we're going through and are able to advise us firsthand with what they did, how they handled it, keep up the great work, and thank you. And I think what what I've always set out to do is do what I did in my parenting classes, which is when people see other people struggling with things or talking about things, they can say, Oh, well, I wouldn't do that. Oh, that's, I can do that. I can see how you would do that. And there's a collective sigh. You know, we just all go sideways, okay, I'm not, I'm not broken. They're not broken.
00:06:07.529 --> 00:06:19.139
It's amazing. And and the beautiful reviews that we get. I mean, I'm super touched by both of those, all of them. It's kind of blows my mind a little bit that can have that profound much
00:06:19.139 --> 00:06:21.930
of an impact.
00:06:19.139 --> 00:07:32.129
Yeah, it's great. I wanted to mention the consequences episode, because that is the most downloaded episode, by a very, very, very long way. And I, the reason I want to mention it is because it's the thing that a lot of parents seem to worry about. And coming back to these last two reviews, both people have said, oh, oh, I've realized now it's not about controlling my kid fixing them, whatever it is that we think we should be doing. And it's really interesting, because in that episode, that's when I discovered that there was a sort of as a result of some psychological experiments that were done in the 60s 70s of controlled environments where they got, I think it was rats or pigeons or something to do something over and over, then you could make them behave a certain way. And they went, Oh, well, you can do that. But we're not rats and pigeons were actually human beings. And it doesn't work and it's been debunked, but that's sort of hung around that if you make kids do this, then they will you'll get this outcome. And that had a big impact on me and my understanding of how to deal with my kids. Yeah, amazing. And we don't have a controlled environment. In fact, it's got even less control because of the Access to Online. And our kids are getting their information from all over the world.
00:07:32.220 --> 00:07:39.839
Yeah, we don't have a tool or control environment, because we're all so different and have such different stories and backgrounds. It's impossible. Yes,
00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:44.430
yes. Are there any things that stood out to you that? Yeah,
00:07:44.430 --> 00:08:42.809
what have I learned over the last few years? Yeah, a lot. I mean, I don't think I was thinking about it. I don't think I fundamentally changed anything that I do. But I think it's given me a lot of clarity and understanding as to why I do what I do, like having to verbalize it and think about the different the different topics that we've covered. It's kind of gone. Oh, yeah. And because I kind of find myself, I think slightly repeating myself, I don't agree with that. You know, that I bang on I feel bang on about the same thing and connection, you know, why do you do what you do? What's your story? What's your trigger, and that has just brought it all home to me. And I think doing it for two years is a long time in the life of a teenager but because, you know, our kids have really changed in the last few years, and I've been on, particularly with my eldest went on a really difficult journey within that, not all the time, but some of it in his academics.
00:08:43.289 --> 00:09:22.139
And it's been a massive, that has been a huge learning process. And then just having this podcast is clarifying what I'm doing or having a deeper understanding of why I'm doing what I'm doing. And then maybe some specific things would be you know, the different topics of having a bit more awareness of the maybe some of the dangers, maybe I was less aware of that side of it, you know, the online stuff, the the problems with, you know, the physical problems with, you know, drugs, alcohol, that kind of thing I was I knew about a bit but not not in depth. So that's been really helpful and made me maybe be a bit more bit more cautious in some areas. So that's been quite
00:09:22.139 --> 00:10:11.190
good. Yeah, the online stuff. And we've been doing a lot more on that recently. And I hadn't, I've always been quite wary of online and I kept my kids quite low tech when they were younger, because I was very conscious that it could cause problems. I think what I've really understood most recently with with the research I've done is when you look at governments or any organizations trying to put in place regulations to protect young people. A lot of people seem to come I'm back saying, Yeah, but that's the parents job. And I'm not convinced parents really, really understand that I'm not. And I think
00:10:11.188 --> 00:10:22.109
that's my switch as well in some of these areas of thinking or that that's society's job, or that's the school's job. And, and actually, no, it's really so it's too important is to dodgy some of it.
00:10:22.200 --> 00:11:14.700
Because really no one point yes, and whether it's actually putting in place some some kind of software or something that will protect them from things, or more importantly, having, you know, regular discussions with them about what it is they're accessing, and how they feel about it, and what they think about the world that they're accessing, so vitally important, and giving it context and being non judgmental about it. But at the same time explaining why these things are an issue, I think, and I keep seeing people, you know, with tweens where things have gone off the rails, and they just didn't realize how critically but so it's that's it that's that, for me has really solidified my thinking about the online world. Interesting. Not that I want to scare people. But I think we really need to be there on the frontline saying, right, I'm taking responsibility for this. Yeah,
00:11:14.700 --> 00:11:35.429
and maybe that's where I've thought a little bit on reflection as to you know, what we've done over the last few years is I've maybe my my compass point has gone a little bit towards, you know, a little bit more caution, because there's, there's, there's, there's more stuff out there that we really need to take care of. And actually, I on a general note, I've just been I'm at the moment making two photo books.
00:11:35.429 --> 00:11:40.559
So my younger twins turned 16, and two weeks, which is nuts.
00:11:41.580 --> 00:12:03.870
And I made a photo book for my eldest when he turned 16. And I'm doing it for them. And there are two of them and stick in quite a while. And we have a lot of choices. But it's been really, it's really fun going back over photos, and it's made me really, you know, really think actually, you know, so much stuff just doesn't matter.
00:11:58.830 --> 00:12:10.080
At choice doesn't matter. You know, all these different dramas, these different things that we think are the end of the world when they're happening.
00:12:10.289 --> 00:12:20.610
They just don't matter. Some of them do, of course, and some of them leave scars, and we have to, you know, work out the best and the best way to approach some of these things. But most of it doesn't matter. But
00:12:20.610 --> 00:12:33.179
that's that psychological distance we talked about where if you're in the middle of something, one of the things you can do is zoom out five years from now, is it going to be important? Yeah. And that's a way of getting away from it.
00:12:33.179 --> 00:12:41.850
Absolutely. And the reminder for me in all of this is, yes, it is connection, that's the most important when I look at photos, you know mucking about it is connection? Yes.
00:12:42.028 --> 00:12:49.528
So I'm going to go back over some of the things that have really impacted me.
00:12:43.859 --> 00:13:16.649
And I think I started this just when both my daughters had gone into senior school. And to start with that, that is something I want to talk about, because it's I don't know how hard it is for everybody. But most people I talked to say it's tough. And I spoke to one. It was a dad who said, yeah, if your kids are not begging to stay at home in that first year, that's that's that's a win, in my opinion. And he'd been through quite a few kids.
00:13:13.739 --> 00:14:07.408
And I just think it's a it's a massive shift going from a small environment, which most of these kids do into what Apple happens to be a pool where most of the kids at the top of the school are there, they're adults. So it's, it can feel quite a hostile environment. It definitely did for me when I moved. And I remember, one of my daughters moved up, she had been through the whole COVID lockdown in her final year of primary school, which meant that she had missed out on all those opportunities to feel like the big, you know, the owning Hearst position in her school, moved into our next school and they were all wearing masks, they were completely controlled. And it was a much, much bigger school. And it felt very hostile because, you know, the the all of them felt anxious. So they were all on their phones and relying on previous acquaintances to sort of give themselves some social cachet.
00:14:04.528 --> 00:14:36.599
And it just meant she didn't really have a chance. It was very stressful. And I think we very much underestimated the impact COVID had on our kids. I think parents on the frontline could see that. But it impacted their ability to just jostle and make friendships and the fluidity of friendships that used to happen. And I found with her, for example, she developed anxiety in public speaking, and she's a strong, intelligent person. And we tried everything.
00:14:36.599 --> 00:14:45.808
So we went through all the we've done two episodes on anxiety, which are really useful. They're very much downloaded. So a lot of people struggle with this.
00:14:43.198 --> 00:15:59.188
And there are techniques you can use their breathing techniques and techniques. But actually what I discovered for her was removing her from the environment that she was finding so stressful, and we put her into a debate camp where nobody knew her. She was taught from group Round zero, how you do this came back in. And cheese has been a changed person. And I think it also reflects on kids who don't want to go into school, I see a lot of parents who are struggling with their kids not wanting to go into school and the school authorities are saying, well, you've got to make them go to school, as if that's going to fix what is essentially, essentially, another problem is something else going on there that really needs to be thought through. So I just wanted to shout out about that. And actually, for all those parents who've got kids who are going through really, really tough times, my daughter just the other day she, she's in a debate society, they were supposed to go for a competition. And they have a new person running the club. And this person had basically dropped the ball. They she said at the last minute, oh, we put a competition coming up into the big inter school competition. Nobody knew had known about it, nobody had been given any of the, the title they were supposed to work towards.
00:15:56.099 --> 00:16:09.479
And she just called up and vented to me. I didn't catch the phone call. Oh, you know, what's the point? There's no point getting to this, you know, we haven't had any time to prepare.
00:16:04.379 --> 00:16:22.918
And then I didn't catch her. But she then messaged me back and said, Actually, two girls put themselves up for it, you need three. So I just said, Okay, I'll do it. She said, I'd rather go in and fail spectacularly than not put a team forward.
00:16:20.278 --> 00:16:22.918
Yeah.
00:16:22.919 --> 00:16:55.019
And that's really interesting, isn't it, because, you know, public speaking is seemingly the thing that most people are most afraid of in, in life. So to have that practice is amazing. And that's, as we've talked about, in the anxiety episodes, you know, anxiety, feelings of anxiety are completely normal, especially at that age, and practicing and being able to practice in a safe space is the key. And you know, for the same with school, school, people are not going to school, you know, being allowed to practice going in and out, you know, it's it's facing your discomfort in a safe way.
00:16:55.048 --> 00:17:03.658
So if you're in the trenches, right at that early stage, just hang in there, because it it can all come right, as long as you stay with them.
00:17:03.688 --> 00:17:15.239
Yeah, it can all change them with with anxiety, particularly, it's the message that's slowly dripping through, I think that having anxious thoughts is normal. It's the loss of disorder. No,
00:17:15.328 --> 00:17:44.909
and that's one of the big props. So here's another one I was talking about the other day. And it's that I often hear teenagers saying, Oh, I think I might have a new name of disorder, whatever the disorder is. And so here's my response. Okay. Okay. Take them seriously, don't dismiss and say, Don't be ridiculous. So what's, uh, why do you think that what's going on? Very often, they'll say, oh, you know, I've seen it online or such. And such Johnny said,
00:17:45.210 --> 00:17:49.109
it always just feels unknown. It feels scary. It's not something they've done quite often they'll
00:17:49.109 --> 00:17:54.269
say, they'll say that they've got this and you say, so who's, who's Johnny?
00:17:51.119 --> 00:18:16.079
Oh, Johnny's in your class, who's 14 or 13? Okay, so Johnny probably doesn't have any real sort of experience in diagnosing this particular problem. And then we see what Yes, and then going through what it because very often, what they would have done is they thought, Oh, I've got this problem, then they'll go online, and they'll find the list of what the symptoms are.
00:18:12.089 --> 00:19:02.099
And they will think that they've got that, so then go through the list with them. So I've done this myself where I've gone, okay, let's go through this list, talk through the list. And then just say, so for example, I think I'm autistic. Okay, so what first on the list, let's talk about it eye contact, I struggle with that, and then just say to them, okay, let's talk about struggling with eye contact. Wow, eye contact is really powerful. So hard, it's really hard. And, and actually, when you when people feel inferior, they will look away, it's an act of submission to look away. So if you hold eye contact with somebody who is your superior for too long, they may see it as a threat, they may see you as trying to overpower them. Or if you maintain eye contact, maintain eye contact for just a little bit too long.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:48.119
With someone who could be a potential romantic partner, they may take it the wrong way. Or they may think that you're interested in them, whether you're doing it consciously or subconsciously. But the thing is, it's actually really hard to get right. Yeah. And, and, and talking them through analyzing it just Yes. talk them through how you know, I find it really hard to have conversations. Ah, right. So I used it when I was a teenager, I spent entire boss was thinking, how am I going to have conversations, some of the biggest investment banks will send people who they've recruited who are brilliant on courses, learning how to make conversations, it's a skill. So I think it's really important for us this is the one of the things I've learned it's really important for us to engage if they say I've got a problem, sale, what is it and then put it into context so they can
00:19:48.119 --> 00:20:10.650
normalize what it is we're all on the spectrum of something or other I mean, when I have clients who are teenagers, actually the thing that has the most, I think the most benefit for them, and I just see their show oldest drop, and that is to say, you know, whatever, there's the issue that come in. And it's not always the case, but as it often is to say, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. That is.
00:20:11.190 --> 00:20:13.529
Exactly. Yes.
00:20:11.190 --> 00:20:13.529
Exactly. And let's have
00:20:13.529 --> 00:20:15.960
a look at it. Yes, yeah, yes. And
00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:26.970
actually, as a parent, you can hark back to when you were a teenager and think, Okay, did that did that affect me, I was always, you know, you can tell them, you can tell them stories, and it really calms
00:20:26.970 --> 00:20:53.819
them. And there are a lot of well, meaning people out there maybe in school system, lots of systems who, who want to help, you know, help us get rid of feelings that are uncomfortable, the discomfort of anxiety, or, you know, those kinds of things. And it's always labeled as something that we need to get rid of, and to do the opposite of that with our, with our kids, or whatever the context is, is just that allows them to go, Oh, yes. Okay, I'm alright. And
00:20:53.819 --> 00:21:30.539
on that note, so another thing I learned quite early on, which made a massive difference to my relationship with both my teens was this this way you have a conversation with your teenager and not overreacting. So we had two episodes, we have one, which is you know how to talk. So your team will listen, and vice versa. And the other one is about how not to overreact, both of which had been very successful. And it's this this, I think, when our teens tell us something that they've been very upset about, it's so normal, to feel upset yourself, and to want to jump in and fix it. This is just it's it's parenting one out.
00:21:32.460 --> 00:21:33.599
Be really uncomfortable.
00:21:33.868 --> 00:22:01.979
And, and, and even now, my daughter every now and then says to me, just so you know, this isn't a biggie, but I am making it sounds big, but I'm just trying to. I'm just, I built it up. And now I'm talking about it. And she knows that I know. And we're both cool with it. But I'm providing her with a an opportunity to say oh, and often it sounds like her school is the worst place in the world.
00:21:59.009 --> 00:22:05.638
She hasn't got any friends. And I'll be listening to it. And then at the end, she goes, Oh, thanks, Ashley is not that bad.
00:22:05.669 --> 00:22:07.769
Yeah. Mind you, though. Oh, it's not that bad.
00:22:07.769 --> 00:22:43.108
Don't worry about it. I actually just didn't you know, the thing I think is the most important that I take away from, from all of this. All of the talks that we've had is taking care of ourselves. Yeah. On the back of that, you know, they're not not reacting and asking ourselves when we get triggered, which we will because it's beeping uncomfortable. When our kids are struggling, they're in pain when something is difficult. It's so difficult for us. Because we don't want to feel that discomfort we want to fix it for them is to ask ourselves, you know what's going on for me? Why do I find this so uncomfortable?
00:22:43.169 --> 00:22:58.259
How can I take care of myself what maybe work I need to do what I need to look back at my own childhood, my own reactions, my own stuff, so that I can be authentic in this with my kid that is the best help that we can be. And I love that. And it's really hard. I love you
00:22:58.259 --> 00:23:01.078
said that.
00:22:58.259 --> 00:23:38.308
Because that harks back to another conversation I had with one of my daughters, where I am actually very open with them about the struggles I had both as a teenager and with my parents. I try not to blame my parents, because I think they had their own issues with their own parenting. But I make it clear that this is how this has impacted me. And I was talking to my daughter about it the other day. And she said, You know, it's so helpful. And when you admit mistakes, and when you say that you've done things wrong, it gives me the chance to talk about my own failings, and it's really makes me feel much safer. That's really beautiful.
00:23:38.308 --> 00:24:16.528
And I love that because I thought I think one of the problems we have as parents is we hate it when we get things wrong, it feels it feels like such a massive failure and such an important failure. And the thing I've learned from doing this is that it's so much better, because I've said really stupid things sometimes where I thought I was saying it this way and I wasn't and I've written it in one of my blogs. And it's actually had a really dramatic impact. And when my kids have said something about it, I've learned that I really have to sit and listen to them and say gosh, that sounds really hard.
00:24:16.528 --> 00:24:26.068
And I'm really sorry. It felt that way. And that's not what I meant and and you know you're very loved but and thank you for telling Yeah,
00:24:26.069 --> 00:24:34.950
thank you for telling me thank you for sharing so it's a safe space thing. It's really beautiful. It's super healing because we all we will say stupid stuff all the time.
00:24:35.400 --> 00:24:47.039
And but it's it's really layered that isn't it? That approach is really layered because a it's showing that we're human beings and we've had our own stuff in the past. We make silly comments as well. We're human. We're you know, we're infallible.
00:24:48.329 --> 00:24:58.529
fallible. I mean, there we go, just did it. And also it teaches them how to apologize. Apps and I see the ripple effect of that.
00:24:58.829 --> 00:25:09.660
Sometimes one of my kids go As my we don't have to apologize for that. And I go, I know maybe I don't, but I'd like to, and it's important to me, and then they'll go, okay. Because I see them apologizing to each other.
00:25:07.349 --> 00:25:21.750
They just did it the other day, my twins massively fell out in the car, we had a ridiculous car journey. And we had no conversation when everyone had calmed down. And they got out, they sorted it, we talked it through in a really good way.
00:25:19.829 --> 00:25:33.119
And then they got out of the car. And without, they didn't think I could see them. And they just kind of both went on resort doesn't mean that they did whatever weird handshake they happen. And so they they learn, they learn by apologizing,
00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:36.240
yes, super important. And they are they're watching us not listening to us.
00:25:37.259 --> 00:25:40.769
We are human beings, we are not robots. Exactly.
00:25:41.099 --> 00:26:00.599
And one of the other things that really impacted me was when I looked at motivation, and academic motivation, when your kids aren't really they're struggling in school, because this happens a lot to kids, they might have been doing really well before and then that all drops off when they go into secondary school.
00:25:56.759 --> 00:27:09.720
Trust me, they can't there's too much going on. There's too much going on, you know, when things when their usual framework changes, you know, we need to be in there with them. And and kind of going, Okay, do we do we need scaffolding in place. And, you know, do we need to ease back on some of the other things that they're doing just so that they can actually catch up because nothing's ever linear, the growth is never linear. And I realized with one of my daughters that she had a sort of form of learned dependence, which was down to, I think, the way that her her school had talked to her but also how I'd I had been talking to her. And it was a very difficult process, explaining to her that the path that she was on was not the path she thought she was on. And that if she, and that was fine, that was fine to be on a less academic path. But if she wanted to be on an academic path, then what she was doing wasn't getting her there. And explaining what that meant in the future. So I actually did a very clear guideline of how these things all feed into each other as you get older, because I realize you didn't know that.
00:27:10.200 --> 00:28:02.039
And I think giving your children we all think that it's really obvious. And life isn't. It's not a race. And it's not. Again, it's not linear, because you can take breaks in it, you can make changes and things that it's still we'd still be at have to explain to our kids, if they say I want to go to university and write down here where they are, there's no sign that they're going to be suited to going to university, we need to really show them what that means. So that they can understand it. And they can understand how they can take ownership over the steps they need to take. So what I did was I actually by going through this whole process, I handed back to her responsibility. I said, I'm not going to take responsibility, you take responsibility for the work that you do. I'm going to support you. And it's it's had an amazing, amazing impact as amazing.
00:28:02.039 --> 00:28:10.109
I mean, it's really beautiful. Yeah, I had a similar experience over these two years.
00:28:05.339 --> 00:28:18.809
And it's it also really, really made me walk my talk that horrible phrase, I don't like it, but it's appropriate here.
00:28:12.930 --> 00:28:43.410
of you know, my eldest was really struggling with with his A levels for lots of different reasons. I'm still we're still not 100% Sure what really happened. And it says, Fine, is absolutely fine. But really, really sitting with all of that, and and explaining to him in a very similar way, what do you want? And what do you want my role to be in this? We're really specific times as well, like, you have to repeat these things.
00:28:40.470 --> 00:28:46.650
You know, we're in from a very calm space, what what do you want? And then how can I help?
00:28:46.680 --> 00:29:08.789
Do you want my help, first of all, and what can I do? And you know, we had an agreement, he wanted me to nudge him, he wanted that. Okay, then I'll do that. And we took it up to review a few times. But really, really, you know, understanding that, whatever happens, you will be fine. Like, there are so many ways to live a life. Yes,
00:29:08.819 --> 00:29:13.589
yes. And so keeping the calmness. Yeah. And that's because we panic, we panic
00:29:13.619 --> 00:29:40.200
and like, and he's fine. And I have no idea what the rest of his life will look like, who knows. But really, that kind of, and we meant that in a in a long time, actually, that we could have totally gone another way with all of it. You know, we kept a really good connection. And it's all worked out. And it was really challenging, but the connection was always the most important.
00:29:36.990 --> 00:29:46.170
What do you want? How can I help you? Can I help you and what how should we approach this together? Yes, yeah. If you if that's not what you want. Yeah.
00:29:46.410 --> 00:29:46.710
Yeah.
00:29:48.000 --> 00:30:08.759
And I think in terms of taking personal responsibility, the other thing that I I did quite early on, which made a dramatic impact for me and my kids was money management. and giving them an allowance where they were taking personal responsibility because up until that point, if it was a friend's birthday, they'd say on one, can you buy them a present?
00:30:09.000 --> 00:30:32.640
And there would be tons of friends that they want to presents for? Or if they wanted to go out with their mate and get some treats, it would be there would be a constant sort of, oh, can I have money for this one. And, and it's not that that's such a big issue. It's more that, you know, I don't have unlimited resources. But actually, much more importantly, they had no concept of what it was that the money was useful.
00:30:33.329 --> 00:31:54.329
And so by giving them I talked about this in one of our episodes, by giving them an allowance, it's dramatically changed their viewpoint of their place in the world. And they're both big savers now. And they're both very diligent about so for example, when my daughter goes down to stay with her friends in Bristol, she always looks ahead to make sure she gets the best train fares. And you know, and these little things really make a difference, because they're mindful of their spending patterns. And this was definitely not where we were, when they started. And we do and we do come back in again, we talk about it. And when, you know, recently, one of them asked for more money and said, You know, I'm struggling with what I've got in terms of what's going out. And I said, Okay, I'm not trying to punish you with this, I'm actually trying to make sure that you are mindful to hear that here are the things I want you to be mindful of fine, I'll give you the more money for that. And I think it's just made them so much more conscious. And I love that I'm very grateful. And, and they so much more, they've developed their own style. And as a result, because they were buying their own clothes. And because the older ones been practicing her style, using her mostly going to charity shops and things like that. But actually now she buys capsule wardrobes.
00:31:50.430 --> 00:32:26.130
And she's got a very distinct style. What's the capsule wardrobe, oh, that I talked them through this when I actually handed them the money. So I explained what a capsule wardrobe was, it's a wardrobe that fits each season so that you have very few items, that all will work together. And it means that for that season, you only buy a few things. And then if you buy high quality stuff that looks really good on you, you don't need to keep buying more stuff, you just add to that wardrobe and it suits each season. I like to think like that I'm, I've I've got clothes I've been wearing for
00:32:26.130 --> 00:32:28.440
decades, I think I've got one of those.
00:32:29.549 --> 00:32:38.759
And I have a one in one out policy. So if I buy more clothes, if I buy another pair of trousers, I say one pair of trousers has to go.
00:32:35.910 --> 00:32:44.970
And that then makes me think, okay, are these better than anything in my wardrobe. So it actually puts the brakes on, you know, just pointless spending.
00:32:45.000 --> 00:33:21.119
And I just, that's how I like to work. And so I've been teaching that. And that I think the final thing is relationships. Because you you've got a son who's had a relationship, my daughter has a relationship. And the thing that I've really, I think I hadn't really thought a lot about relationships before we've talked about sex. And we've talked about all those sorts of things. And those are the sort of nitty gritty of it. But the relationship she's in is the most kind, loving, thoughtful relationship I could possibly imagine. And to me, that is all that matters. Yeah,
00:33:21.118 --> 00:33:37.259
we talked about that in our in our pocket, or in the episode, didn't we that it's you know, we were also terrified about sex and all of that. But if we can tell them, you know, the most important thing is, is all those things you've just named and if your daughter has that for her first relationship, that's just amazing
00:33:37.289 --> 00:33:39.569
how I'm I'm like, Oh, my goodness,
00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:42.990
like goodness. So yeah, and we need to model that.
00:33:43.319 --> 00:33:51.690
We need to even maybe not so romantic partner, but yeah, just in general in life and emphasize how important those things are.
00:33:51.690 --> 00:33:54.240
And it's not just don't get pregnant. Yeah,
00:33:54.269 --> 00:34:20.760
yeah. And like you said, you know, actually, if you've got a tense relationship at home, and you can't really model it with your own partner, you can talk to your teen about what you think is good, yeah, good relations and make your relationship with your teenager good. So they they know how you communicate, they know what it feels like to be listened to and respected because that will all come out in the relationships they form. I really, really believe that I've really seen that happening. And
00:34:20.760 --> 00:34:22.199
it can be through your friendships as well.
00:34:22.199 --> 00:34:22.860
Exactly.
00:34:23.909 --> 00:34:30.688
Exactly. So that's it. Well, on that note, we'll be taking a break from regular episodes over the Christmas period. Susie, what are you doing?
00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:47.820
I was amazing. My kids are going to their dads for Christmas in Denmark, which they are all looking forward to it would be lovely. And I am going with my partner to an Airbnb to do absolutely nothing for about four days. I cannot wait. It's all or nothing.
00:34:50.070 --> 00:34:54.389
That's amazing.
00:34:50.070 --> 00:35:46.349
We've got my mother in law and my brother in law and his girlfriend coming for Christmas and we are All Christmases turned into as they've got older pajamas, until kind of mid day effects where we just sit around chatting and laughing and no stress. I actually buy a Christmas meal that I've worked out give it if it's not a massive amount of people, it's at the same price. And I spent too many years in the kitchen not getting to play with my kids, because I think he waved Why do I find Christmas not that enjoyable. Because I want to play I actually want to play with my kids. So we eat lunch, which is fine. It's great. But it's not nothing special. And then we play games all day. And then we'll watch a film. And it's just the best we laughed like drains all last year. And it's a way we we just hide away from the world. And we don't we don't worry about anything else.
00:35:46.349 --> 00:35:48.719
And I love that as a Christmas.
00:35:46.349 --> 00:35:59.789
So I think everybody's got their own Christmases. And whatever you do with your teenagers will become your Christmas. Yeah. And you can shift it you don't have to carry on with the same traditions, you know, come up with ones with them that suit them. Yeah, check in with them.
00:35:59.789 --> 00:36:01.349
What do they want to do? Yeah.
00:36:01.409 --> 00:36:11.519
And that reminds me of what maybe I think is most important about, about reminding ourselves myself about parenting is like most days, I feel like I'm absolutely just winging it.
00:36:11.849 --> 00:36:19.289
Yeah. And I think maybe that's the beauty of this podcast, is that we are all just winging it every day. There are no answers.
00:36:19.289 --> 00:36:32.130
Yeah. And it's just sharing and reassuring ourselves that we're doing the best that we can and that there are other ideas out there that might be useful for you. They might not be but yeah, we just kind of on this is a winning judgment.
00:36:32.340 --> 00:36:33.840
And that goes for yourself too.
00:36:33.869 --> 00:36:38.579
Don't judge yourself. And some days I literally think you know, I have no idea what I'm doing.
00:36:40.110 --> 00:36:44.820
Most days.
00:36:40.110 --> 00:36:56.429
Yeah. I'll create a blog with all of those episodes we've mentioned. And if you have any other subjects for episodes in the new year, I would love to hear suggestions because honestly this is your podcast.
00:36:56.940 --> 00:37:13.590
And we have had so many great ideas if you are struggling with something guaranteed someone else in our community will be struggling with it probably hundreds of 1000s of people but you know there will be other people who are battling with this and and we can all learn from each other. Yeah,
00:37:13.619 --> 00:37:16.170
so let us know. And then nothing is too little.
00:37:16.199 --> 00:37:44.070
Nothing's too little. Yes, if you want to leave us a review how it'd be lovely Christmas present. You can go to w w w dot teen www.teenagersuntangled.com You can also put it on all the podcasts. I think platforms now have ways that you can leave reviews. I'll be popping on to social media from time to time doing little helpful reels about things I've noticed Suzy can't wait. As soon as he does her blog. I don't know how much you'll be doing. But no, I
00:37:44.070 --> 00:37:46.440
don't know yet.
00:37:44.070 --> 00:37:46.440
Probably not a lot.
00:37:46.590 --> 00:38:00.210
I think I know genuinely guys, we are just winging it. Yeah, we just, we just get the great thing about not being paid for this is that we basically can do what we want. Exactly. So that's good.
00:37:55.050 --> 00:38:02.280
Okay, so Suzy wants more? How can people contact you because they might have problems?
00:38:02.309 --> 00:38:20.250
Yeah, absolutely. So you can find me at www dot a mindful hyphen life.co.uk and in that are links to all my social media platforms and you can also book a free 15 minute chat with me if you so wish. Not on
00:38:20.250 --> 00:38:23.010
Christmas Day.
00:38:20.250 --> 00:38:24.210
And while she's in the Airbnb, she may no response
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:27.480
No, no, that is going to take off the slots for those days.
00:38:27.630 --> 00:38:29.730
Exactly. Don't forget to hit the Follow button.
00:38:29.760 --> 00:38:31.980
You won't miss any of the new episodes when they come out.
00:38:32.610 --> 00:38:42.420
That's it for this year wishing you all a loving happy end of year and if you're thinking of setting a new year's resolution, I even have an episode for that.
00:38:38.250 --> 00:38:42.420
Yeah. Don't do It.
