The Next Step for the Former Toxic Person

Narrator: Welcome to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, the place where you can get real answers to tough questions. Jesus promised you abundant life, but poor choices and dark forces stand in your way. It is time to learn how to overcome the obstacles that keep you out of your promised land. Knowledge of God will pave the path for you to walk in His blessing.

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Dr. Ray: Hello, and welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. Well, the last few weeks I've been doing a series about toxic relationships, toxic people…I've been talking about, you know, how do, you know, if you're in a toxic relationship what do you do about it, how do you set a boundary…you know, what is the Christian response to a toxic relationship? But as I was doing those first couple of podcasts - I believe those are episodes 49 and 50 - I got to thinking…we need to talk also about the toxic person. How to help them. Minister to the toxic person. You know, God loves all of us. And so for every victim, there's a perpetrator. And I know, I've been a counsel and a minister for years and I have ministered to a lot, I mean, hundreds and hundreds of victims of abuse, and people have been abused and hurt and adversely affected by toxic people. But as I got to thinking about it more and more and more, I realized that all of us have been toxic at one time or another because none of us are perfect. As the Bible says, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. So what if you were toxic? And I, I actually did my last episode about that, I beleive that was episode 51. You know, how do we minister to the toxic person? And so I went into some specifics about that, about ministering to the toxic person, you know, symptoms of a toxic person. And, you know, it's, it's a hard word, I really don't like that word, it's more like a…a better word might be a wounded person who wounds other people, a hurt person who hurts other people, an abused person who may have abused other people, and so…but I want to go into this episode more about next steps. 

Now, as you're listening to me, I'm just asking you to be honest with yourself. Have you been a perpetrator? Have you been…I mean, I know all of us can say at some point we've been victimized in relationships, okay? I got that, I have too, okay? But I think if we're all honest, at some point we've all been a little toxic at one time or the other. Maybe, you know, maybe you've been a perpetrator. Maybe you've been the one who is unhealthy who was causing the most damage in a relationship. And I know every relationship there's two sides to every story, but I do believe there's generally one person who's more innocent and the other person who's more guilty. However, what I see and you know, I do have a gift of mercy but I'm not foolish with it. But what I see in the perpetrators or the toxic people, I see hurt and wounded people who react instead of respond. Now, that's a big one. When we react, we're reacting with uh, triggers or emotions, things that trigger us, things that set us off, and reactions generally are not logical, they're not good, they come out of um, emotions that have surfaced, sometimes it can be an emotion for the past, a feeling from the past something– an old wound that suddenly pops out and explodes and you say things before you realize you say it and you regret it the moment you say it. Now, but a healthy person responds. Now a healthy person listens to what's said instead of reacting to it, responds to it. And a response takes thought, a response takes patience, a restonse– a response takes a calm attitude, and that avoids a lot of um, hurtful words, hurtful actions if we take time to respond instead of react. So remember that. Respond, don't react. Respond. That's different, it's a little more intellectual. 

But– so I talked to you– if you haven't listened to my previous episode please do it, but I want to talk to you about the next step for the toxic person, okay? The next step…so, you got brutally honest and you admit, you know what, I think I was toxic in that relationship, I think…I didn't want to do it, this is not who I am, but I was the perpetrator, you know, I was the bad guy in the relationship, that was me. So the first thing you want to do, if that was you– and you know what, and I admire you. If you were able to admit that, you're a courageous person, you're a bold person, you're a person I want to meet, okay? God loves honest people. God loves people who, who just– who want to deal with it. See, people who want to deal with it are people who have courage, and I admire people who can get brutally honest about their own failures. I can deal with people like that. You know, the people that drive me crazy are the people who have blatant issues and live in denial or they know they have issues but they don't want to talk about it, they don't want to deal with it, and they just continue down this terrible path they're going. 

But here's the key thing: regardless of what, what you've done, you must believe this verse. It, it is probably the most powerful verse in the Bible, First John  1:9, “If we confess our sins,” that's a big condition, “If we confess our sins to God, He,” God, “is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So here's a promise: if I go to God and say, “God, I abused my wife, God, I abused my friend, God I, I was like poison in this relationship. God, I did it, please forgive me. I confess this to you. I ask you now in the name of Jesus Christ to forgive me.” Now, there's a promise. Once you confessed it, that God is faithful. That means He's going to do it. A faithful person does what they say they're going to do. God is faithful and God is righteous and He will forgive the sin and cleanse us, now that's so big. Forgive means, you know, you're, you're off the hook so to speak, okay? But cleansing…cleansing is when God takes it and wipes it away. He, He wipes the record. You don't, you don't have a record anymore, your record is– it's not just what they call being expunged - I think that's a legal term - your record is destroyed. Your record is– completely disappears in the eyes of God, and that's incredible! But your part, your part is to believe this scripture is true. Make the confession, ask God to forgive you and then believe and keep believing and keep believing and keep trusting that God has forgiven you and cleansed you from all unrighteous. Now, the reason I emphasize that is because what happens to many Christians is they go through this, say, “Lord, Lord, I did it, please forgive me. I thank you, Lord, for forgiving me,” and next thing you know, they're back, right back where they started. And they– they're, they're not trusting God, they're– or they're, they're becoming, they're, they're walking in shame or condemnation and the devil loves to put shame and condemnation back on us. You know, the Bible says there's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, that's why the devil wants to put condemnation on you, it's the spirit of Antichrist, he's trying to undo what Jesus did. Jesus took shame and condemnation to the cross, the devil tries to undo what Jesus did - which he legally cannot do. But he tries to undo what Jesus did and put shame and condemnation back on you. Don't receive it. 

But your part is to believe this scripture, that you've confessed your sin you told God what you did, you must believe He forgave you, and forgive yourself now, that's your part. God forgave you, now you need to forgive yourself, that's a biggie, a lot of people struggle with that, and know that you've been cleansed, okay? Forgive yourself. Now, I'm gonna go down through just a little checklist if you are the former - I'm gonna call you now the former toxic person - here's your checklist, and this is what I want you to do. Forgive yourself, forgive other people. Now remember this, forgiveness doesn't mean you approve of what happened, forgiveness means you don't hold it against them, you do that for yourself. You may not like what you did, but you don't hold it over your own head anymore. You may not like what that person said to you, you do not hold it against them, you let them off the hook which lets you off the hook. See, unforgiveness ties you like a ball and chain. Every person you have not forgiven, you are linked to that person, you are tied to that person. The moment you forgive them, you can let it go. That– the rope or the chain is cut. And it's so sad that people won't forgive people that have hurt them, and they walk around like they're dragging this person with them their whole life. It's just terrible. Forgiveness sets you free. And then you've got to release your burden. The Bible says, “Cast your burdens upon the Lord,” that literally is an action, it goes like this, “God, I have felt this weight of guilt, I have felt this weight of shame for years, Lord. I know you have forgiven me, I know you have cleansed me. Lord, I release that burden to you now. I know you've taken it. Lord, I give it– I will not receive this burden anymore. I release it to you.” And you may have to do that prayer and say those words over and over again till you know that weight is off of you, okay? And as you're doing this, you ask the Holy Spirit to help you grow. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you. He loves to help you, He's a healer, He's the Spirit of God and He will help you grow. And surround yourself with healthy people, find people who can support you, talk to you, accountability. And go to a counselor, please go to a counselor! I don't know why anybody wouldn't want to go to a counselor. I mean, you know, they use it as a stigma, “oh, you need counseling.” I love to go to counselors. I love it. It's like having a massage, I love it. Going to a counselor where you can spill the beans, you can say whatever you want, get some wisdom, it doesn't leave the office. You can get stuff off your chest, you can hear good words, you can get support, you can get affirmation, you can learn solutions to problems, why would you not want to go to a counselor? I don't get it. And do it on a regular basis. Find men and women that you know that'll hold you accountable. If you're a man, I recommend you talk to men. For women listening to me, talk to a woman, somebody who can hold you accountable. Have a consistent prayer life. Prayer changes things. Pray every day. Pray every day. Read your Bible. This is all to help you grow. Read your Bible, you– God will talk to you through the Bible, read it. At least, you know what I recommend, and this is not hard to do. Read one chapter a day, one chapter a day, and ask the Lord to speak to you through it.

 Here's one that people don't do that often, love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and mercy. People who've done bad things– I've done some bad things, you've done bad things, we've all done bad things, you know if you say you haven't sinned that the Bible says you're a liar. But what we do is we hold it over our own heads. And like I said, we don't, we don't forgive ourselves. We forgive other people before we forgive ourselves but see, you– it's okay to care for yourself, love yourself, and treat yourself with kindness and respect. Be your own best friend, be a friend of yourself. Ask yourself this question: what do you want and what do you need? You see, you've spent so long being unhealthy, you haven't really taken care of yourself; and self-care is not selfish, self-care is what God expects us to do. Know that it's progress, not perfection. Now you'll– and this is a slippery slope, you're going to have days when you're going to be doing really well, you'll have days you'll slip up. You know, I grew up in Tennessee and we’d have a few snow days. And I remember walking up a, an icy hill, and you walk up that hill, you take three or four steps up, you might slide back a couple of steps, you take a few more steps up, you slide back a little bit, but eventually you get to the top of that hill. And that's what happens in healing, we, we go up, we come down, we go up, we come down a little bit, we go up, but eventually we make it. But there will be times you'll slip back, that's normal, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself time. It takes time to heal. They say time heals everything. I don't know if that's true, but I know it takes time to heal, okay? If you've ever cut your finger it takes time for that to heal, amen. If you’ve ever broken a bone, it takes time for that to heal. If you have a broken heart, a broken spirit, a broken soul, it takes time but remember, you confessed it, you've been forgiven the shame and condemnation is off of you. You are well on your way, my friend. Take steps, one at a time, don't worry about the future. Look at– one step at a time. God's not going to show you the third step to do the first two steps, you follow me? That's the way God works. You know the way we are, human beings, we want to see the end of the road. God says, “No, I just want you to look right in front of you.” Just keep looking right in front of you. What's in front of you today? What can you do now? What can you do today that needs to be your focus? Find your purpose. You know, I've done a lot of podcasts about purpose, walk in it, that's where you'll find your happiness, when you're doing your purpose. This is not a show about purpose, but you got to find it, walk in it. 

Here's a big one: know your identity in Christ because that's who you really are. There's over 230 verses, 230 verses in the Bible - in the New Testament, actually - telling you who you are. When you're born again, you become a joint heir with Christ, a member of the royal priesthood, a saint. You become redeemed, justified, righteous, this is who you are now. Study your identity because we, we tend to base our identity on our past and that's not that's not good. Our identity is what God says it is, not what our experience says it is, hear me? And practice spiritual warfare, you've got to submit to God– as it says in the Book of James, “submit to God, resist the devil,” and know he will flee from you. You got to do it. You just have to tell the devil no. In the name of Jesus, tell him no, tell him to get out, tell him to leave you alone. Do your spiritual warfare. Now, these are just steps you can do to grow, to find peace, to find happiness, to be the person you were born to be, and that's what I want for you, that's what God wants for you. You know, you don't have to continue the path you walked in for so long. And obviously, if you've you've hurt people, go to the person and say, “Hey, I'm sorry, I'm really sincerely sorry for what I did.” Generally speaking, most people love to receive an apology. When you just go up and apologize, most people can receive that, okay? I know there's some people say, “No, you've stepped– I, I can't receive your apology,” but you know what? You do your part. You apologize. Tell them you're sorry, ask for their forgiveness. If they forgive you, great they don't forgive you, that's their business. But remember, you've already asked God for His forgiveness and you've been cleansed from all unrighteousness. 12 steps, would say, you know, ask forgiveness and make amends if you possibly can. But know you have changed because God changes us. God can change us, God can make us into a new person. We– when we meet God, we become born again, redeemed, okay? Regenerated, filled with the Holy Spirit. This is what God does, and that's who we are. And you've got to continue. 

If you have been the perpetrator or the abuser, the toxic person, stop beating yourself up. You're not that person anymore. You've asked God to forgive you, He's forgiven you, He's cleansed you, you're, you're working on your healing, you're, you're reading your Bible, you're praying, you, you have some people holding you accountable, you've had some good days and some bad days but you know, but you're a work in progress. You’re a work in progress, and that's a good thing, and that's a courageous thing, and I admire you. I wish I could see through this microphone and see who's listening to me right now, but if you can do this I admire you because you got courage and you're the kind of person I want to know. Matter of fact, I, I've been putting my email lately. If you want to email me, um, you email me, you can email me at drrayself@gmail.com, d-r-r-a-y-s-e-l-f at gmail.com, I'll be happy to answer your questions. I love you, appreciate you listening to me, I hope this podcast has been a blessing to you. Please um, check out my website I'm president of the International College of Ministry, we got some cool free stuff on the website, it's at icmcollege.org and they sponsor us. International College of Ministry is my sponsor, I love that college, it's a Holy Spirit-filled college, we're enrolling now. If you want to get your degree in ministry, theology, prophetic ministry, Christian counseling, get certified as a life coach, we have all those programs online and it's not expensive. icmcollege.org. Love you much, thank you for listening and I just pray that the Holy Spirit will touch you and bless you and lead you. Remember, you've been forgiven, forgive yourself, you're a new person, you're not that person anymore, you're forgiven, you're cleansed and you're on your way. I bless you, thanks for listening to Self Talk. This is Dr. Ray Self.

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