Reacting to Toxic or Dysfunctional People

[Music]

Hey, welcome to my show, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. So glad you're with me. The show is sponsored by the ministry I founded, International College of Ministry at icmcollege.org. Check it out. Check it out. I think you'll like it. And if you're called of God, you need to get equipped. We're the ones to do it. And a Holy Spirit-filled online school, work on your own schedule. Today I've got something important I want to talk about. It's about responding and why a normal response can cause so much guilt and shame. It's a very interesting dynamic in dysfunctional families. So let's pray. 

Heavenly Father, thank you for everyone listening to this show. I pray that this show will be a blessing to them. I pray, Father, that, that you will guide me in my words. I pray, Father, that this show maybe can bring some healing and peace to those that are in struggling situations with difficult relationships. Amen. Amen. 

So, you know, I've done quite a bit about the dysfunctional family and toxic relationships, but I want to talk about a particular dynamic that I think will help you. So, one of the patterns in a toxic relationship or unhealthy relationship, it kind of goes like this. Something takes place, and you're talking or visiting or doing something- maybe it– over for the holidays and something is said or done that is rude or disrespectful to you. Then you respond, get angry, challenge it, uh, have a, an emotional response to the disrespect and to the rude behavior that, that hurt you. And so you responded maybe in a, in a quick, cutting way. Then all of a sudden, you're looked upon as the guilty party. “What's wrong with you? How could you respond like that?” you know, “We, we'll pray for you. You need help.” And the whole time, the truth is you're being normal. And the issue is not your response. The issue is, the reality is you were disrespected. You were treated rudely, and you responded like a normal person. But in a toxic, unhealthy family or friendship, a normal response gets vilified. Then you are given a guilt trip and made to feel like you are the one who has the issue. And the truth is, the whole time is you're simply giving a normal response to a hurtful behavior. 

And so when you're around this, be aware of this dynamic. This happens quite a bit. And so…to, for you to respond or to react in a, an emotional way to something that is cutting or hurtful or rude, it's normal. It's normal. It's okay. It's okay. The problem is the toxic people, the perpetrator of the insult or the rude behavior; they want to project the blame on you. “Look at how you responded. Look at how you reacted. What's wrong with you? How could you possibly act that way?” In the meantime, they're taking no ownership of their own behavior. They are not taking accountability or responsibility for what they did that upsets you. And that– now a normal healthy person would say, "Oh, I must have said something wrong. I must– I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I disrespected you.” Then, you know you can work things out. But when you're dealing with an unhealthy friend or family member, normally these people are not able to take accountability for their behavior. So instead of taking accountability for their rude behavior or their behavior that was inappropriate, what they do is they put the focus on you and your reaction, and you're made to seem like you're the bad guy. “You're the one with the issue. Look how you, look how you raised your voice. Look how you got upset. How could you do that? What's wrong with you?” You know, “Why would you act like that?” And I want to tell you right now, the truth is you're, you're, you're a normal person. 

To react to pain is normal. If you, if you touch a hot stove, you, you react, right? You go, "Ow! Oh, oh, that hurt. Son of a gun." When you are treated rudely or badly, that is a painful thing. It hurts. And to have a reaction to that is normal. Now, if your reaction goes overboard and you start throwing or hitting or doing inappropriate things, yeah, I got it. But your reaction actually is an appropriate response to disrespectful, rude, inappropriate behavior. What makes it sound crazy or feel crazy is, the perpetrators will try their best to make you into the guilty party. “Look at how you reacted. You raised your voice; therefore you must have something wrong with you. You are the guilty party.” And it's a way of avoiding their own issues. So next time that happens, and it happens quite a bit - it's a very common dynamic to react to inappropriate behavior, and then you are placed as the guilty one - you are made to feel ashamed. You are made to feel like you are the wrong party in this case. So, how do you walk through that? You know, how do you handle that? It's, it's not, it's not easy. And I wish I could say that it was. As you become more aware of the unhealthy environment that you're in, you can do things to help yourself and prepare yourself. 

One thing I used to do is before I would go into that situation, I would give myself a little self-talk. I would lower my expectations. I would not go into this unhealthy situation. Maybe it's a family reunion. Maybe it's a Christmas dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, whatever it is. I would talk to myself, and I would know that, you know what, there's going to be some unhealthy behavior here. There's probably going to be some disrespect. There's probably going to be some rude behavior. However, I'm making a choice right now not to take it personally, to realize it is their issue, not my issue. It is their problem, not my problem. And so I'm prepared for this. 

Now, when you come in with a healthy attitude, what you can learn to do is think about your response. Now, a reaction is emotional and, and it's okay to react. I'm telling you, God gave us emotions. It's okay to be emotional as long as your emotions don't become violent or inappropriate. But to be emotional is okay. But as you become more aware of boundaries and your unhealthy family or friends, they have problems that are not your problems. They have issues that are not your issues. They're not aware of their issues, but you are. And you know, that's okay. As you become more conscious of that, you will learn to respond and not react. 

Now, what I've tried to learn is to respond means I may say something calmly, like, you know, I may repeat what I heard them say back to them. I may choose to simply ignore it, look at them, give them a little smile, or I may give them one of my favorite responses of all time. “You know, I'm very sorry you feel that way,” and move on about my day. But a response is calculated. It is intelligent, and it, it does a lot. A reaction can get emotional. But what I'm trying to say, there's some teachers out there that go, "Well, just don't react. Don't react." You know, reactions are normal. It's okay to react. We're people, you know, we have feelings. We have, we have emotions. God gave us that. It's okay to react. Just don't let your reactions get crazy. However, even better than reacting, if you're prepared and your expectations are not high and your expectations are realistic, you know what you're walking into, then you can respond. 

Most of the time, I don't respond at all. And that is a response. No response is a response. I choose to let it go. And sometimes in my heart what I do is I have compassion for them. When you have compassion for them, it really puts it back upon them. For instance, they, they said something that was rude or inappropriate, and my thinking may go on in my mind like, "Wow, that is so sick. That is so sad. They must really be hurting inside. I must remember to pray for them.” I'm, I'm thinking this sort of stuff. “Wow, that is so difficult for them. That must be a really hard, being that type of person.” And I actually have compassion for them. Sometimes I may say a little prayer, “Lord help them. Lord bless them.” But I understand the principle of their thoughts are their thoughts. Their words are their words. Their actions belong to them. They do not belong to you. 

We are responsible adults. So how we act, how we respond, what we say, what we do, belongs to us. So the dysfunctional person who is perpetrating an offense toward you, that is their garbage. You do not have to receive it. You can let them own their garbage. You can make a mental choice. Whatever garbage they throw my way, I am not going to look at it. I'm not going to respond to it. I'm going to have nothing to do with it. Or you could, you know, make a calculated response. However, I'm giving you a break here. If it gets to you, it gets under your skin, so to speak. You can simply– and you react to it; that's okay. You're being a normal person. It's okay to react. 

Do not– Now, what'll happen is after you react, here comes the guilt trip. The perpetrator will try to place guilt upon you. Know that that's a typical thing they do. Do not receive it. To react to pain is normal. Reacting to pain is normal. Disrespectful, rude behavior directed towards you can be very painful. It's the same thing as you touching a hot stove and going, "Ow." Reacting is normal. Try not to let your reactions get overboard, but it is normal. Do not allow them to guilt trip you. They may try to do it, but know that you have reacted as a normal, healthy person. 

Now, if you can get beyond the reaction, you can simply respond with an intelligent response. Most of the time, the problem with responding and reacting is the perpetrators are toxic - people that are toxic or unhealthy. Most of the time, I'd say 90% of the time, they do not take accountability. They do not self-reflect. They do– They are not going to have this deep moment of conviction and apologize to you. They're just not going to do it. They do not self-reflect, and they do not hold themselves accountable. 

Now, me, I'm a little bit different type of a guy. I think I'm pretty normal that when I say something I shouldn't have said, I do something I should not have done, I am immediately convicted. I feel a conviction. I, I immediately will apologize for my behavior. I get convicted really, really quick. But the toxic person does not get convicted. Or if they do, they've learned how to stifle that voice, and they do not hold themselves accountable at all. And so don't expect that. Watch your expectations. Okay? 

My mother used to tell me because I was, I was frustrated in a relationship I was with, in, and, and I kept trying to fix this, fix this problem. I wanted to solve this p– I wanted to change this person. My mother used to say, “Son, a leopard does not change its spots, and people are who they are.” You know, the serenity prayer: “God, help me to accept the things I cannot change, change the things that I can, have the wisdom to know the difference.” We cannot change other people, but we can work on our reactions and our responses. 

Two things I want you to understand. Reactions are normal. Do not allow them to place guilt or shame on you for reacting like a normal person who just got hurt. Responses are better than a reaction. Reactions are okay. To respond is better. And one of the responses I like is just to let it go. And literally, I feel sorry for them. And I may lift them up in a little prayer, you know, “Lord, help them. Lord, heal them because they must obviously be hurt. They must have some unresolved issues. Holy Spirit, touch them.” And then another really powerful thing you can do is you simply release them to God. “Lord, I give you my friend. Lord, I release them to you. Holy Spirit, I just thank you. I thank you for this opportunity to show your love. I release them to you. I let it go. I let them go in Jesus' name.” And you turn them over to God. And that's not a bad thing to do. That's actually a really good thing to do. It's actually a loving thing to do. Turn them over to God. 

So, not going to be with you long tonight. I hope this has helped you some because I know, um, during the holidays sometimes we have unhealthy family members that we have to be around. You love them, but whoo, they're hard to take. Remember, reacting is okay. Responding is even better. 

This is Dr. Ray Self. Thank you for being part of my podcast, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. Be sure and go to the website for our podcast. The quickest way is to go to icmcollege.org/selftalk, and that'll take you to the website, and on the website you can subscribe, uh, get on our email list. You can also see every single episode we've ever done. Be sure and tell your friends and share this with someone. I appreciate you for being a part of Self Talk with me, and God bless you. Thanks a lot.