Ministering to Toxic People

Narrator: Welcome to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, the place where you can get real answers to tough questions. Jesus promised you abundant life but poor choices and dark forces stand in your way. It is time to learn how to overcome the obstacles that keep you out of your promised land. Knowledge of God will pave the path for you to walk in His blessing.

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Dr. Ray: Hello and welcome to Self Talk, I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. This episode is brought to you by the International College of Ministry, a Holy Spirit-filled, accredited, 100 percent completely online seminary. Study anytime and anywhere, go to icmcollege.org. I want to talk to you today more about toxic people. Now, the last couple episodes I was talking to you about how to deal with toxic people, what if you're in a relationship with a toxic person? But something that we don't talk about very often is what if you're the toxic person? And maybe you don't even realize it but in ministering, we've got to be fair. Let's let's work with both sides of the coin, both sides of the equation. Yes, um, dealing with the toxic person, how to handle a toxic person in your life is one thing, but what if you're the toxic person yourself? Is there hope for you? Is there forgiveness for you? How do you know if you're the toxic person? Maybe you were toxic and you've been um, treating other people in a very toxic manner and not realize it. So, first off, understand this: there's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. And it's actually very common, you know, I would say for every person who feels like they're being hurt by a toxic person, there's 50 percent, or there's the same amount of people that are toxic themselves, and you know, people are what they are…And a very well-known seminary professor that– part of a seminary I used to be with, said this, he said people generally do the best they can with what they know. And so it could be that you are toxic or unhealthy and are causing damage to other people, not willfully, it's not in your heart, it's not what you want to do, but maybe it is what you have done. So, let's talk about that, and let's be, let's be transparent because don’t you get tired of just talking about one side of the coin? You know, how to deal with a toxic person, how to deal with a toxic person, how to deal with a perpetrator, how to deal with an abusive person. Well, what if you're that other person? And you don't want to be that way and you feel terrible that you have been that way, is there hope for you? Absolutely there's hope for you, and that's what I want to talk about today. So let's get into some of the symptoms, okay? 

One of the primary things if you happen to be toxic, you know, that's a strong word, maybe I should say if you're unhealthy in relationships, you tend to react rather than respond. A reaction is an emotional response, okay? A reaction is um, somebody hits you, you hit them back. Somebody says something awful, you say something awful back. And many times reactions are done without thinking but what a more mature person does, a healthier person does - and listen, none of us are perfectly healthy, I don't want you to think that you know, I've got it all together and you don't, that's not here, I'm here to try to serve and to help. But a response is where you take your time and you try to make an intelligent, well-thought-out response instead of just reacting. Reaction’s usually, is…the moment where we react, usually we regret it. If you're easily hurt or offended, I mean, too easily hurt or offended and you know if this is you, that you could be part– a toxic person, um, somebody who needs some help, somebody who needs some healing. Maybe you have a dysfunctional or abusive past, that's going to cause you to be unhealthy in relationships, okay? And you may be hurting people and not wanting to because you know you were abused, you were hurt, and because of that, you have some unhealthy relationship patterns.

A- another symptom is a, a person who tends to be toxic or unhealthy perceives aggression all the time. It's like everything is perceived as aggression when it actually is not aggression. I knew a story about a man who came home and hit his wife because the house wasn't clean and so he was asked why would you hit your wife because the house wasn't clean? “Well I knew she didn't respect me, I knew she didn't love me, I knew she didn't care anything about me,” and I'm going, I'm thinking as I heard the story, so because the house wasn't clean, you perceived that as a personal attack upon you? You see, and that's distorted thinking that some people get into and so, maybe you have some distorted thinking. Again, you're not unusual, um, you're actually fairly typical, normal, there's a lot of people out there that have been hurt and wounded and because they've been hurt and wounded, they hurt other people. And sometimes we hurt other people, we don't realize we're hurting other people, we do not realize what we're doing but we do it, okay? 

Um, a toxic person, unhealthy person puts up walls. They like to withdraw and get behind a barrier. And of course, what a barrier does is it cuts you off with, with other people and that's not a good thing, putting up barriers. You may find it very difficult to apologize. You know, a toxic unhealthy person…just cannot apologize. You see…and I'm trying to be gentle here, okay? But when you have difficulty apologizing, normally the root of that is low self-esteem because when you feel good about yourself, you can admit you made a mistake, it's no problem to admit you made a mistake, no problem at all. My father is an old country guy, World War II veteran, country boy from Alabama, and he used to tell me something…well he just– I don't know how many times he said this, but I'll never forget when he did say this, he said, he's got this old country accent, he says, “Son, it takes a man to admit when he's wrong,” and I never forgot that because I really think what he's saying is when you're mature, you can admit you made a mistake, okay, but if you're unhealthy, that's difficult to do. Um, and the idea of talking to a counselor, “Oh, no, can't do that!” Why? Why are people afraid of counselors? Counselors are terrific! What– I mean, it's a great place, you can spill the beans, you can say whatever is on your heart and it doesn't leave that room, and you get some ideas and some feedback, some things that can help you, why would you not want to talk to a counselor? However, if you're unhealthy, you don't want to talk to a counselor because you don't want to have any exposure of the pain that's hiding down deep in your soul. You may get angry easily. Now why is that? Well, anger - hear me now - comes from pain. And if you hurt easy, you get angry easily. In other words, angry people are people that are in a lot of pain, which to me says you need some healing. Maybe you just don't feel good about yourself underneath it all and that's a– chances are you might not want to admit it but you do not really love yourself and that's going to cause you to react instead of respond, it's going to cause you not to be able to apologize, it may have caused you just all kinds of repercussions to that, okay? 

Um, you know, you don't want people to see the true you so you wear a mask - I'm just kind of going down some symptoms, you may not have all these symptoms, uh, chances are you have some of them - I have some of them. A mask means, you know, it's a cover-up. You, you pretend to be okay when you're not okay, you pretend to be a person that you think other people would admire or like because you really don't want to be seen for who you really are. And unfortunately, once people start wearing a mask, they almost never want to take them off because they've worn them so long, they say, “Well this is the only person that people know, this, this person I have presented to them.” But underneath it all, you're a different person. And it's okay to be who you really are, that's who God loves and that's who God works with.

Um, you, you have trouble forgiving yourself, you have trouble forgiving others and you hold on to offenses. This could– this is a sign of unhealthy behavior and you could hurt people. This trouble forgiving yourself, when you don't forgive yourself you will not forgive other people. And you know that's a sin. If God forgives us how can we not forgive ourselves? And many Christians struggle with that, I've seen that time and time again where um, a Christian will forgive another person but not themselves, it's a very uh, very sad very sad thing– We have to, you have to work with it and why, why is it easier to forgive other people? I don't know. But now, a…a, a toxic person, an unhealthy person has trouble with forgiveness not only for themself but for other people. They hold on to offenses too long. And you, you got to realize that you know, unforgiveness doesn't hurt the other person, it hurts you. Somebody told me something a long time ago, I’ll never forget this. They said, “When you have not forgiven a person, you are tied onto them with a chain. And the longer you don't forgive them, the more you are linked to them. If you want to be free, forgive them.” You see, forgiveness doesn't mean it's okay what they did, forgiveness means I let it go, I'm not going to punish you for this, I'll let God deal with that, I let it go. I don't like what you did, but I'm letting it go, I'm gonna let God deal with it, now I'm free.

Um, you have difficulty believing that God loves you, it's another symptom. You have difficulty believing that anybody loves you. You pretend to be confident when you're not, you have trouble holding on to friendships. Now, these are just some symptoms, and guys, please hear me. There's no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, we are products of…unfortunately, we tend to be products of our past and we all have a lot of growing to do. But what we need to look at, when we have issues that are not dealt with, these issues have an adverse effect on people around us. So we could be hurting people around us - I don't think anybody really wants to hurt another person, but we do because we're hurt. And because we're not healed, we can have a very adverse effect on our wives, our children, our spouses, our employees our boss, whatever. So it's important to deal with this. And listen to me, it takes courage, it takes courage to deal with your hurts. Men, listen to me, I hate to say this but men are the biggest chickens of all when it comes to dealing with their stuff. You know, they don't want to deal with it. In counseling, most counselors will tell you it's a lot easier to counsel a woman than it is a man. I know it's a generalization but, but it's true. Men don't like to admit weaknesses or flaws but you know what, we have it. There's another expression I've used, many counselors have used, and it's called you have to reveal it to heal it. When you let stuff come to the surface, that's a place where God can take it and you can get your release. As long as you hold on to it and bury it, it's going to fester, it's an old wound that's never been treated and you know it happens to wounds that don't get treated, they get worse, they get infected and they poison your soul. And these old wounds release poison into your system, into your body into your soul, and this poison spills out onto other people and you have become a toxic person.

So everybody's talking about how to deal with toxic relationships, but nobody wants to help the person who may be the perpetrator. And you don't want to be the perpetrator, but perhaps you are the perpetrator and you know you have perpetrated some unhealthy stuff on people…and now what do you do? Well, the first thing you got to do is say– you do the scriptural thing because it works, the scripture works, it works. It says in John, First John, if you confess your sin, God is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you of all unrighteousness. The first thing we have to do is admit it. We have to make an admission, “I did it. Lord, I did this. I didn't want to do it, I make no excuses, God, I did it. I said hurtful things, I've abused my friend, I've abused my spouse, I abused someone who loved me, I verbally abused them,” maybe you physically abused them, maybe you sexually abused someone, “Lord, I did it, I confess it, please forgive me.” And the moment we forgive, I mean, the moment we confess, and ask God to forgive us the Bible says He will forgive us, and not only will He forgive us - here's the big one - is, He will cleanse you. Cleanse means He, He takes a big wash rag and He washes it all away. He doesn't cover it up, He removes your guilt, He removes your condemnation, He removes your shame. You see, because of the things we've done, because we were unhealthy, we have created a ton of shame and guilt and condemnation and we must get rid of that. You must get rid of the shame guilt and condemnation. You have to, and you get rid of it by confessing it, asking God to forgive you, and then here's the big one, the big one: Believe…the Bible is true. Once you confess and you ask God to forgive you, believe it's done, it's finished, you're forgiven and you can start over. Is that– is it that simple? It is that simple but it's also that powerful. And then immediately, here comes the Devil and he'll try to put it right back on you. And then you say, “No, I will not receive this back in my life, I have confessed this to God, I know the Lord has forgiven me, I know the Lord has cleansed me, I will not receive this back in my life, I am a different person. Holy Spirit, come and help me to grow Holy Spirit, heal me, help me to grow. Lord, I thank you,” I'm just saying a little prayer here, “Lord, I thank you that I've been forgiven. Lord, I Thank you that I have been cleansed. I will not receive this in my life anymore. I thank you for that, Father.” And then perhaps, most likely we need to go to the people that we've hurt and say, if possible, “Please forgive me for the words I said to you. Please forgive me for what I did, I am so sorry.” Have a Godly, Godly sorrow, “I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry for my actions, please forgive me,” and I want to tell you something what's really cool about this, um, it, it, the people that you, you go to generally really appreciate the fact that you have asked for forgiveness. I don't know anybody that doesn't appreciate someone coming to them and saying, “Please forgive me for what I did to you.” Wouldn't the world be a much better place if, if people would do that? And that's exactly what God is asking us to do, “please forgive me.” 

Then you've got to make a change and you can only change with the help of God. You can't change yourself, a hurt person cannot change him– can’t heal himself, but the Holy Spirit is your healer, the power and the name of Jesus Christ is your healer. The Bible says be not drunk with wine but be filled with the Spirit. So, “Holy Spirit, come. I have confessed my sin, I have confessed what I've done, I've been forgiven, now help me to grow. Help me to mature. I need your power, I cannot do it. I can only do things– I can do all things through Christ.” It's through Christ, the Holy Spirit. “Help me to grow in Christ, help me to mature in Christ,” and the Holy Spirit may convict you, there's some other things that you need to confess, okay? But confession, forgiveness, and believing it's done. Don't hang on to it. If you have confessed it and asked it– for forgiveness, don't receive it back in your life, okay? God loves you. 

And so we, we've ministered and talked about, oh, the poor people have been victimized by the toxic people, but nobody ever talks about the, the people who are being toxic. They've been a victim too. And they don't want to be that way, and you don't want to be that way if you're one of these people. You don't want to be that person and you don't want to be the one who's ignored like, “Oh, it's, it's always the victim,” what about the perpetrators? People perpetrate not even knowing they're perpetrating. God loves all His children. He wants all of us to be whole and all of us to be healed. And that's what I'm trying to say today…and it’s…I got convicted by the Holy Spirit. I've been talking about if you're in a toxic relationship with a toxic person and, and I described how bad that toxic person was and all the things they did, but what about that toxic person? What about the unhealthy person? They don't want to be that way, that's that's not who they really are, that's not who God created them to be. They need healing too because if they don't get healed and if they don't get restored and redeemed, they're going to continue to do this and continue to hurt more people. And I don't want to be– I'm sure I've been toxic at times, everybody has been toxic at times, we've all done it, everybody has. But we have an answer, we have a savior, we have the Holy Spirit, we have everything that we need to be set free. You got to admit it. And get to a counselor, don't be– excuse me– don't be a chicken go to a counselor, get real, man up– if you're a man listening to me, man up, get to someone and talk about it, get to someone talk, ask forgiveness and talk about it. You ever heard the expression, talk it off your chest, “I just need to get this off my chest”? Well, see that here's the thing: when you talk about something and admit it, you are releasing it out of your soul and giving it to God. You get it out of you, you get this poison out of your system by talking about it, asking for– confessing it, talking about it, confessing it, and releasing it to the Lord and receiving His love and receiving His forgiveness. And it is a wonderful, beautiful, awesome thing, amen? Amen.

I hope this has been a nice podcast for you. Hey, please subscribe, give me some feedback, some comments, okay? And tell your friends about it, I really appreciate it. Don't forget to check out my books, Redeeming Your Past, Finding Your Promised Land, and Hearing His Voice, Being His Voice. I'm Dr Ray Self, I love you much, and I appreciate you. Goodbye, good night, or good morning, or wherever you are.  Thank you.

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