Holidays with the Dysfunctional Family

Hey, welcome to my show. This is Dr. Ray, and you're about to listen to Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. Today I want to talk about holidays and family that maybe you're having a hard relationship with. You know, we all have a little dysfunction in our families. I say often, look in the Bible and try to find a normal family. So my family was so dysfunctional, we put the fun in dysfunction. But the problem is when you're a Christian and you live with Christian values - maybe the Spirit-filled Christian life - and all of a sudden you're thrown into a, a family holiday gathering with family members that are not Christian - that can be a very interesting situation. Or maybe family members that are toxic, and maybe your whole family is saved and serving the Lord – that's fantastic. But so many of us who've been called out of this world have to deal with the world sometimes within our own family. Well, how do you navigate that? That's what I want to talk about today. This show was brought to you by my school, International College of Ministry. icmcollege.org, enrolling right now. God's called you, this is where you need to go. Thanks for listening to Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.

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Well, here we go. Thank you again for listening to me, Dr. Ray Self with Self Talk. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for this time together. I thank you for everyone listening to this podcast. I pray that your Holy Spirit would talk through me, that I could be a blessing, Father, and help those um, dealing with this situation we're about to talk about. In Jesus’ name, amen. So you know, sometimes in traveling I run across people and Christians and their whole family is saved and filled with the Holy Spirit and that's always so wonderful; that is so wonderful. But so many times with Christian who's been called to the Lord and answered their call and got filled with the Holy Spirit, not their whole family doesn't share their values. Their whole family is not with them. Jesus had the same problem, matter of fact, His own brother uh, you know, did not recognize Him until later after the resurrection. And so, even Jesus warned us that our enemies could be members of our own household. Remember when Jesus went back to Nazareth and He was rejected by His, His family and friends, uh, people that saw Him growing up rejected Him in Nazareth. 

So in the holidays, sometimes we are…you know, we're called to have a Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner or Christmas Day, and we spend a lot of time with our family. Now, spending time with family is great; however, when you're called of the Lord and you have an anointing upon your life, spending time with the family that's not saved and maybe living worldly can be challenging to you and can stir up a lot of emotions. I know it has been with me…in the past. Now I want to, I want to talk about that more, more specifically, so you know, bear with me. Um, now in my family - we don't do it anymore, but my family up in Tennessee, we used to have these huge Thanksgiving gatherings, um, and it was put on by, by my, my sister and, God bless her, incredible– she's got– had a beautiful home and uh, gosh, she had this table, incredible table with 16 chairs, and they were the Chippendale chairs that they, they imported. Obviously my sister and her husband have done very well financially. But in this gathering, now here I am, I'm a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit-filled minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and I want to see my family. When we would have Thanksgiving dinner, it was not unusual to have over 30, 35 people there because one thing we also did was we in- would invite, you know, friends of the family. But, as we, as we gathered, there was drinking, uh, there was smoking and there was uh, just a lot of worldly stuff going on. Now, I love my family and I want to be with them, but one thing for me: I hate…I despise being around drinking. You know, that's just my pet peeve, don't let me go off on that too far, but I cannot stand being around it, I've seen too much death and destruction from alcohol. Should a Christian drink? I don't think so but you know, that's a– that's a– will it cause you to lose your salvation? No. But I just think it's not wise. 

But what happens is, when you are a Spirit-filled Christian - and I was a Spirit-filled Christian in these family gatherings - it was nice to see my family, but I always felt out of place. I never felt like I fit in and I didn't fit in…you know, and, and here I am, I, I want to have in conversations and I want to uh, have meaningful time with my family but see, when you're filled with the Holy Spirit, really what you want to talk about is God. What you want to talk about is some– a prophetic dream you had, or something the Lord showed you, or what you're discerning, and that conversation is not going to happen, not going to happen, you know, with your family members. And so, it's, it's, it's sad and it, it's painful, and there was some alcoholism in my family and I would see people drinking even though…[sighs]...and being served alcohol and a lot of enabling and just a lot of, you know, kind of crazy stuff. Now, I would, I would go and I would try to be…uh, cordial, I would try to be friendly but it was always a certain level of uh, discomfort. Now, Jesus in the word of God kind of, kind of warned us about this, okay? Um, in John 17:14, Jesus said, I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they're not of the world, even as I am not of the world.” Um, then in verse 15, John 17:15, Jesus said, “I do not ask you to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one.” John 17:16, “They are not of the world even as I am not of the world.” So, we live in the world - we live on earth here - and we're in a natural world, but we– Jesus made it clear we're not of this world. So we're– in a way– remember the old book, Strangers In a Strange Land? We are strangers in this world, we're aliens. And sometimes I forget that, and I'm with my family and I'm with my friends. Of course, you want to fit in, you want to have a good time, you want to see them, you want to fellowship with them, but you're not them. You're not– you want to be connected to them, but you're not connected with them. You want to be a part of them and you want to have some meaningful conversations, but it's difficult because you're not one of them. And so, a lot of awkward things happen. 

So, me, I'm a very, I'm a compassionate guy, I'm a loving guy, and, and I want to, and I want to just have these conversations and I want to connect with my family and of course I want to see them saved, I want to, you know, see them filled with the Holy Spirit. But at the same time, I'm not able to connect with them, I'm not a part of them. And even– it kind of goes two ways. My family, in a way, didn't know how to react to me. They didn't really know how to treat me. So, very– one thing– several things would happen that, that was painful. One thing was, you know, I don't, I mean, I think that what God has given me to do is very interesting. You know, I've pastored a church, I have traveled to many nations. I, I've ministered to Muslims in Somatra, the Mayan Ind– Mayan Indians in um, Guatemala, I have uh, ministered in Spain and the Philippines, and incredible stuff, and I've preached in, in cities all over the United States. I've seen signs and wonders, I've seen demons cast out, I've saw a broken leg healed, I saw a blind eye healed. Um, you know, I've written three books, I've got a podcast, and all this stuff which is…is interesting stuff. It's all glory to God, it's not about me, it's glory to God. My family will not ask me one single question about any of that. Zero. Zero interest in any of that. Now, if I want to talk about uh, an NFL football team or talk about a basketball game, yeah, they, they'll talk about that, okay? If I want to talk about some thing or some friend, you know, they, they'll talk about that…and they have no interest and, and the reason is they don't get me, they don't understand me, and they really don't have any way of connecting with me because what I'm doing is, is, is not of this world. Now, if I was– if my whole family was filled with the Holy Spirit and they were Spirit-filled Christians, yeah, they would, they would want to know. And what's really interesting is I have a lot of friends that are Holy Spirit-filled people and we talk back and forth and we share stories of God's glory and what God is doing and it's fascinating, but when I'm around my family, I'm not able to do that because they don't– they don't get it, they're not of this world. And not– now some of my families are, are really devout Christians, I'm not saying my whole family's bad; but, when we had these big Thanksgiving gatherings, a big percentage of the people there were not really walking with the Lord. I do have family members walking with the Lord, so please– I'm not trying to throw my family under the bus, but it's an awkward situation. 

And perhaps you as I'm doing this podcast, al– also have an awkward situation at Thanksgiving or Christmas because you're around family members that are not filled with the Holy Spirit– saved and filled with the Holy Spirit. Now me, I want to be blunt here, I think there’s a, there's a big difference. Being saved is fantastic, being filled and baptized with the Holy Spirit is a whole nother level, and I have a lot of um, people that I, I relate to that, that are like this. Remember Jesus said when um, in the parable– not a parable, a story. Jesus in– is in the home ministering and there's a knock on the door and they come to Jesus and say, “Lord, your mother and your brothers are outside,” and Jesus said, “Let me tell you who my mother and brothers and sisters are, those that do the will of My Father.” And so what happens with our family is even though we love our family - and I love my family with all my heart, they're very accomplished people - but because I'm a Holy Spirit-filled minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, God gives me brothers and sisters and family in the body of Christ, okay? That, that relate to me and I can relate to them and we can talk and share and, and things about the Lord and we really get each other, even though my natural family doesn't get me or understand me. And what I found out is this principle plays out with a lot of Christians. And so you love your family and you want to be with them in the holidays, but they don't get you, and the reason they don't get you is because you're not of this world…you're not of this world. And there's a number of scriptures that talk about this. I believe First John also talks about this, the things of God, the foolish– foolishness to those of the world. And so they don't really have a way to connect with you and an interest in what you're doing. 

Now, to me…this was sad to me because I love people and, and I want– I just so much want to share God with them, I want to share Jesus, I want to share what God has been doing in my life, you know, with my family and I try but I can tell, I just get a blank stare, they have no way of, of relating to it. But realizing - now here's the key thing - realizing that I am not of this world and then change– and they are of the world, some of my family is of the world, change my expectations. Expectations, when they're not met, can be very frustrating but when you lower your expectations or you quit expecting, then, you, whatever– if my family were to interact with me in a meaningful way, that'd be fantastic, but if I'm expecting that and it doesn't happen, I'm going to be hurt every time. And so for years, when I gathered with my family at Christmas and in the holidays, I was hurt, I would get hurt. Because they didn't interact with me, they didn't really care about what I was doing, they didn't have any interest in, in my life, in my books or my podcast or, or the, you know, the, the last church I preached in. No interest at all. And it was painful, and it was dysfunctional. And maybe you, you have a call of God on your life, you've been separated for a purpose. And it could be - and I know it happens to a lot of people - that at Christmas and the holidays, you're with your family, and some of your family just doesn't get you, they don't get you at all. And it's, it's hard, and it's difficult. But what helped me was, I didn't go into my family– now I, I don't expect anything. I know that they're probably not going to get me. I pray for them. I say, “Lord, open up their hearts, open up their eyes that they can, that they can see the truth, Father. Lord, I pray for my family,” and as I pray for them and I release them to the Lord, I get this peace that passes understanding and I'm able to interact and have these times together…you know, with them. And then as I'm with my family, that's– you know, part of the family that's not maybe…is dysfunctional, not serving the Lord, or like I talked about at the beginning of the show, maybe toxic families, I can share nuggets with them. I may even share a story. Now, my beautiful wife, Christy, she loves– she'll just tell stories about something God did for her and she doesn't care who it is, she's going to tell a story of something God did, uh, that she saw God do or something that God showed her or something that God did, and she's great at that. And sometimes people look at her with a blank stare.

The bottom line is, and the reason for this podcast is, all this is uncomfortable, dysfunctional and tough to navigate through, but if you'll do these things before you go into this family situation, say a prayer maybe something like this: “Heavenly Father, I lift up my family to you. I ask you to touch them now. Open up their eyes, open up their hearts to you, Father. Lord, bless my family. Lord, I release my family to you; I trust you with my family, Father. Lord, help me to be your witness, give me the right words to say. Lord, thank you, Father, be with me. In Jesus’ name.” And that gives you some peace that passes all understanding, as talked about in Philippians, when you're with your family. But…don't…understand this. So…do not be ignorant of Satan's schemes, you know, the Apostle Paul talked about. So the devil wants you to feel rejected, ignored, and misunderstood by your own family. And if your family is not saved and filled with the Holy Spirit, they probably are not going to have an interest in you. They're not going to get you, they're not going to understand you, and they're not going to do anything that's really going to be meaningful for you. But understanding this, because they're not walking with the Lord, then you don't– you're not expecting that, okay? My mother used to say, “Ray, why are we surprised when the world acts like the world?” Well, some of my family acts like the world. And the world doesn't get those that are not of the world. The world doesn't understand Christians, the world doesn't understand us, even though we're friendly and we're loving, like, how can you not get this? They do not. It's like we have this shield around us and are not able to really see us or understand us or even have an interest in us because of the call God on our life. But understanding this stuff before you go into these situations with a dysfunctional or toxic family can help you a lot. Don't expect anything. Pray for them and know that hey, they're probably not going to get you, they're probably not going to care about what's going on with you and the Lord, probably not going to care at all. 

Now, if your family is just hard to be around but you know you've got an obligation to spend some time with them, one thing I recommend, if possible, is do it in small doses. We can do just about anything in small doses, okay? You could eat something that you despise as long as it's just a little bit, so limit your time if you can. If it's possible, limit your time very politely. Now, remember we're called to love our families, treat them with honor and respect unconditionally. We show them the love of Christ. We love them. Now, they may not show us the love back that we deserve from them, and that's painful, but we do our part, we release them to the Lord, we lower our expectations, and if the dysfunction is too painful, we just limit our exposure to the best of our ability. I have one particular family member, um, that I can barely stand to be on the phone with her. Now, I love her with, with all my heart and uh - I should say this person - um, and I just talking to them is, is painful because it's so dysfunctional. And so I do talk to them, but I try to not do it very often. Now listen, I'm not one of these guys that says, “I'm offended, I'll never talk to you again for the rest of my life.” Never, ever, ever do that. That is ungodly, unbiblical, unscriptural. I've seen this so many times in families where somebody gets an offense, and they just, “I'm just never going to talk to that person.” They don't talk to them. I don't do that, I think it's un-Christian, ungodly. But I can spend quality time, sometimes in short doses or small doses, and pretty much with anybody. So know that if your family is of the world, they're going to act like the world and they're not going to get or understand and have a meaningful time with you at the holidays like you would like, but you can still love them, enjoy them, pray for them, let the Lord touch them; and be a witness by your actions, just by your demeanor, by your smile, and by your unconditional love. You can do this at the holidays. Now I know some people on this podcast, I'm not talking to you, you got a great family and everybody gets along fantastic, but I do know there's a lot of dysfunctional, unhealthy families out there, and it makes it very difficult for Holy Spirit-filled Christians walking with the Lord. I know that as a fact. I hope this has helped you. It's a little bit of a different type of show. Let's end in a prayer. 

Lord, I thank you, Father, for everyone listening to the show. And Lord, if they're going into a family situation that may be challenging, I ask you to be with them, protect them, and let them be a witness to you, Father. And Lord, touch these families that do not know you, are not serving you, Father. Holy Spirit, go ahead and prepare the ground, Father. We rebuke every scheme of the enemy where– that tries to have families attack each other. We thank you, Holy Spirit, that, that, that we give you– that you've given us authority, you’ve given us honor, and you protect us by the name and the power and the authority of Jesus Christ. I just bless you, I thank you for everyone listening to the show. Let your anointing touch them now, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Well, thank you for listening. Been a little bit of a different type of show, but I hope it blessed you; thanks a lot. This is Dr. Ray Self.

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Well, that does it, that completes episode 195. 195 episodes of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. Thank you so much for being a part of this show and a part of this ministry. Uh, if the Holy Spirit leads you, and if He does, we could use your donations to help us do this ministry. The easiest way to donate - and we are a 501c3 so anything you donate is tax-deductible - go to icmcollege.org/donate. icmcollege.org/donate. That, that goes into our scholarship fund and we use these funds for the podcast and also to help uh, scholarship students in need trying to get their uh, their ministry education. Uh, be sure and check out my new book, it's called The Call: God called, you answered, here's what you need to know. That book covers a lot of good topics: teaching, preaching, counseling, ministry, money, integrity, a lot of good stuff, I think, is very helpful. And the book that started it all was Redeeming Your Past and Finding Your Promised Land: How to Get Over Your Stuff and Get into God's Purpose for You. All these books are available on amazon.com, there’s links in the show notes. Um, if you’d like a, a signed copy of these books, just uh, donate $15 or more and send me an email to drrayself@gmail.com, d r r a y s e l f @gmail.com. Don't forget to like and subscribe to this podcast wherever you– wherever you're listening to it. I appreciate you– your reviews really help a lot, help us to get the word out. Whenever you write a review or subscribe, it increases our, our downloads…it helps us increase our downloads and reach more people. Thank you so much for listening! God bless you, this is Dr. Ray Self.