Holidays with a Toxic Family Member

Welcome to my show, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. This is episode 246. It's hard to believe I've done that many episodes. Thank you for being a part of this show. Today, I'm going to be talking about holidays with toxic family members. Yeah, we probably all have one or two in our family, and we have to survive with them. But I'm going to give you some tips that'll help you out because you know you got to love them. But how do you protect yourself and yet and still have a wonderful holiday and not let them mess it up? This show is brought to you by the International College of Ministry. We're enrolling every day at icmcollege.org. We also have some free courses you can take. You can get a free evaluation, which will tell you what it would take to get a degree. Check out our website at icmcollege.org. God bless you. If you enroll before the 26th of uh, April– November 26, 2025, you get an extra $300 off your tuition. It's called Fall Harvest Special. Check that out. Anyway, let's get started with the show. I am Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.

You know, it's always a good idea to pray before you do anything that's important. And I think this show is very important. Heavenly Father, I thank you for everyone listening to this show today. I pray that my words and my thoughts, and my ideas could be a blessing to them. Holy Spirit, you are welcome here. We appreciate you. We love you. Speak to me. Speak through me and open up the hearts and ears of those listening to hear what you would have them to know and what you would have them to believe. And help us all, Father, in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen. Amen. 

You know, holidays are a joyful time. They should be a joyful time. I love Christmas. I do. I know some people dread it. Uh, there are some hassles involved with it, but personally, I love it. I'm kind of a traditional guy. I like to put out a lot of Christmas lights. I mean, a lot, a lot of Christmas lights. My family called me Clark Griswald. I um, I like the big Christmas tree. I like presents under the tree. I like all the stuff. Now, I'm a devout, Holy Spirit-filled Christian. I get it. I know you– all about the, the negatives. I get it. But you know what? I love Christmas and the fact that we're celebrating Jesus, whether we want to or not. We are celebrating Jesus. Every light that goes on the tree is a celebration of Jesus Christ. And so I do love Christmas time. Now, at Christmas, is time to be with family. Traditionally we, we see a lot of family. And I don't know about you, but I have some family members that can be a little toxic. And uh, that makes it tough sometimes at Christmas. They can push our buttons. They can trigger us. They can uh, uh, irritate us like nobody else. 

So, how do you handle that? What, how do you handle that? Um, my family, we, sometimes we'd have these huge dinners, and we'd all gather together around a big table, and uh, there'd be a lot of dysfunction. I used to say, "My family puts the fun in dysfunction." Amen. We do, but there's always that, seems like that toxic or unhealthy person that just pushes your buttons, that just irritates you or reminds you, or triggers you. And how do you handle that person? You know what I'm talking about. Could be an aunt, could be an uncle, could be a, a mother or a father, or a sibling. I don't know. I know that there's a couple in my family, and I'm not going to mention names or anything, but how do you handle that? And you know, as Christians, we're called to forgive, right? We're called to pray for those that persecute us. We're called to love those that love our enemies, love our neighbors, love ourselves. We have this commandment for unconditional love. But so, how do we navigate this at the holidays? Spending time with family that's um, been, maybe, maybe they've been abusive to us. Maybe they've ignored us. Maybe they've been uh, maybe it's been narcissistic abuse or maybe some other form of abuse, but you're thrust together at the same table at the same event. How do you handle that? 

Well, what I've always said is this. First thing is, we can pretty much do anything in small doses. When I'm around a person that's toxic to me, that's not good for me, that continually violates my boundaries or disrespects me, to the best of my ability, I try to limit my exposure. I can pretty much handle anything for a short period of time. But if I'm having to spend a long period of time with a person who is unhealthy to me, against me, for me, that's not good. So to the best of my ability, I try to limit my exposure. I also recommend setting healthy boundaries. Now, a boundary defines who you are and what you will let in and what you will let out. One of the best ways to set boundaries is to know clearly what belongs to you and what belongs to them. Now this is going to sound strange to some people, but it's an absolute truth. What other people think of you and what other people say to you, and what other people do to you is their business. It's not your business. Now, it may affect you, but it doesn't belong to you. It's not your behavior. It's not your words. It's not your thoughts. It is their behavior. It is their thoughts. It is their words. And I allow them to own it. And I do not take ownership of their dysfunctional behavior. 

Now, that's easier said than done. What do I mean by taking ownership? So many times when you're around toxic people is they, they say something– they either ignore you, which is passive-aggressive, or they'll say something that is offensive or disrespectful to you, and you get triggered by it because you have taken it in. You have taken some ownership of that. You might even ponder that. Did I deserve that? Why do they treat me that way? What is going on here? Why would they say that to me? That hurts me so bad. That's literally me taking their garbage and putting it in my hands and analyzing it and smelling it and sniffing it and looking at it and tasting it instead of setting a boundary. And a boundary goes simply like this: “I am sorry you think that way. I'm sorry you act that way. I'm sorry for your behavior.” Now, you may not say that out loud, or you could say that out loud. But what you're saying is, to yourself, is that is their behavior. It is their words, their thoughts, and their actions. It really has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. Everything to do with them. It's not about you. Other people's thoughts belong to them. Other people's behavior belongs to them. Other people's actions belong to them. And God holds each one of us individually responsible for our words, our actions, and even our thoughts and our behavior. God holds us accountable. 

And so, knowing that, I know this toxic family member, even though they're being toxic toward me, they're being narcissistic or they're being disrespectful or passive-aggressive, whatever they're doing, that behavior is accountable to them. It goes on their ledger sheet, not on your ledger sheet. It only becomes part of your ledger sheet if some reason, some way you take ownership of it. Now, this takes practice, but practice means I'm setting a boundary. I'm, “I hear what you're saying, but I don't receive what you're saying. I saw your actions. I felt what you did, but you know what? That belongs to you. That is your sin, not my sin. That is your unthoughtfulness, not mine. That is– your being disrespectful has nothing to do with me. I'm a child of God. I'm a joint heir with Jesus Christ. I'm a, I, I'm a Christian. I'm wonderfully and fearfully made. This is who I am.” 

So, I have to watch my thinking. I allow people to own their own behavior. When someone is rude, they are rude. I'm not rude. When someone is disrespectful, they're being disrespectful. I'm not disrespected. It's them that's being disrespectful. And God holds each one of us accountable for our behavior. So the key to it is learn how to respond or not respond and not react. Now, you can respond by not responding. And so one way is you just kind of look at them and you might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. Mhm. That's interesting.” Or if you really want to be whole, you know, bold, repeat back to them what you heard them say. “So, let me get this straight. I want to make sure that I clearly understand you,” blah blah blah. Then you may be starting a conflict. What I tend to do, what I recommend is I try to the best of my ability to ignore it and not receive it. Know that it is their stuff, not my stuff. It is their actions, their words, their behavior, not my behavior. Then another thing I do, which really helps me, is I pray for them. I may even pray under the– my breath. “Lord, I just pray for my, my sister, my brother, my aunt. Lord, I ask you to bless them. Lord, I ask you to heal them. Lord, there must be some hurt going on inside of them. And Father, I thank you that you can touch them. You can restore them. And Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, I surrender them to you. I let go of them, and I turn my family member over to you, Lord. Lord, take them. This is– they're yours, Father. They're your responsibility, Lord, not mine.” And this prayer of compassion, it's a prayer of love. It's a prayer of release to God, actually, really helps. It helps me a lot. 

Now, I know nobody's perfect at this, and it's– some of this is easier said than done. I get it because what happens is they– a certain behavior by a certain person in your family triggers some sore spots in you from your past. So I know that there's certain things that trigger me. For instance, just being transparent here. One thing that triggers me, if I feel I'm being ignored or overlooked, that triggers me a lot. It has to go back with some childhood pain and trauma that I have. We've all had that stuff. But I know that I'm triggered by that. But being aware of that, and somebody deliberately ignores me or is disrespectful to me, I'm aware that that could trigger me. And somehow just being aware that, oh yeah, I get it. My thinking goes like this: Oh, okay. They're ignoring me right now. I'm feeling triggered. I get it. That's just one of my old wounds. God bless them. And for some reason, just being aware that I could be triggered by that allows me not to react, but to respond. And the key to being around toxic, unhealthy people is to learn how to respond and not react. You might need to take a breath, count to 10, and decide what your response is going to be. Many times, my response is nothing. I make a decision, I'm not going to respond to that. Or, if I decide to respond. 

Now, reaction is an emotional reaction. Usually, those are not good. But a response could be, "I'm very sorry you think that. Uh, are you having a bad day? Well, let me tell you what's going on here. Um, so I want to get this clear. Can I just– this is what I hear you saying. I want to make sure that I heard you clearly.” Those are responses, but you don't really have to respond to them. You don't owe them anything. You know, they're being toxic. They're being unhealthy. You know that that could trigger you, but you're aware of your triggers. Therefore, you go, “You know what? I'm feeling a little triggered now. That's just an old wound that they're rekindling. I'm not going to receive that. This is their garbage. This is their stuff. This is their actions. I'm going to let them own it.” Remember, you're, you own your reactions. You own your response. You own your thoughts, your behavior. This is all your stuff. And you have a responsibility for your own reactions and responses and your behavior, but you do not have a responsibility for their behavior or for their actions or for their thoughts. And knowing that and making a clear boundary, and thinking about this before you even go into the home to meet them, say, “You know what, I am not going to take ownership of anything they throw my way. That is their garbage. And if they throw it my way, I'm just going to duck and let it fly over my head. I'm not going to receive that because it is their stuff.”

And so I– a thing that I like to do is before I go into a situation where I'm going to have toxic family members, instead of going in, trying to drink water from an empty well, I realize I watch my expectations. I know the well is empty. I'm not going to get water from the well. Uh, is, there's a good chance I might be disrespected. There's a good chance I might be ignored, but I know this going in. I'm not going in expecting a big change out of these people. I'm, I'm being real. This is the way they've been as long as I can remember. This is how they've acted toward me as long as I can remember. I'm not expecting anything different. I'm okay. I'm going to pray for them. I'm going to bless them. I'm going to let them own their behavior. I'm not going to receive their behavior at all in Jesus’ name. 

So, I hope this makes sense to you. The key thing I want you to understand is do not take ownership of somebody else's words, thoughts, or behavior. Take responsibility for yourself, how you react, which is not good. Purpose in your heart to respond rather than react, which means you might need to slow down. Purpose in your heart to know that there may be garbage thrown your way, but you're not going to receive it. Amen. Pray for those that persecute you. Jesus said that. So pray for them going in. “Lord, I just pray for my sister. Lord, I pray for my brother. I ask you to bless them. I ask you to heal them. Touch them now, Holy Spirit.” To me, when I realize the person who is being narcissistic toward me or disrespectful toward me is sick, and they need help, and they need the Lord's forgiveness, and they need a touch from the Holy Spirit, and they need, they need this. There's a lot going on in their life. They need healing. And so thinking this and praying this gives me a personal release and a personal protection. And it's very scriptural. So I pray for those that have hurt me. I pray for those that have used me or ignored me or whatever it is. I do not receive their garbage. I do not receive their words. I will not receive uh, their thoughts, their words, their actions. I let them own their behavior. I own my behavior. I set a clear boundary between them and me. I watch my expectations and believe it or not, I can go into this family reunion, this family get together and have peace. 

As a matter of fact, you may even be able to laugh about it because sometimes the behavior is ridiculous. It's so absurd. It's ridiculous. And you can feel sorry for them. Have compassion for them. Maybe chuckle a little bit about them. Know that they're trying to uh, be passive-aggressive toward you, and they're, they're trying to trigger you, and you have got power right now because you're not able– you're not receiving it. You've set your boundaries. You're not angry. You're not frustrated. You're not hurt. You're absolutely– you're in control of yourself, and you're letting them own their own behavior. And there's, it's freedom in that. There's great freedom.

Pray for them. Release them to the Lord. Let Him handle them. You do not have any responsibility to fix them or argue with them, or convince them of their mistakes. Let them just own it, not receive it. And sometimes this really helps those. It really helps them. It'll definitely help you. Amen. I hope this has made sense to you. In the name of Jesus Christ, I pray that everyone listening to this will learn how to set healthy boundaries, but do everything with love, unconditional love, and love those that it, that have persecuted us. Pray for them that have persecuted us. But, Father, help us this holiday season. And bless our family, Father. Heal those that need healing. Heal those that are hurt. Father, sometimes hurt people hurt people. So, Father, touch those, touch those people that need your healing, Father. And Lord, help us to know what belongs to us and take responsibility for our behavior and our reactions and leave other people to you. And Father, we give you honor and praise in Jesus’ name. Amen. Amen. 

Well, thank you for listening to my show. I hope this has been a blessing to you. I appreciate you being a part of the show very, very much. Our, our show is doing really well now. Thank you so much for downloading and uh, sharing the show with as many people as possible. If you– I'm looking for partners to help me continue this show. Uh, it will help a lot. I'm going to keep doing it, but if you could help me financially, that'd be terrific. If you go to icmcollege.org/donate, there's three different funds there that will help us a lot. We have our scholarship fund. We have also just a general operations fund, and we have sponsor a student fund. If you want to fund anything, be a monthly partner with us. $10, $15, $20. It would help us a lot. I appreciate you listening. Don't forget to share this. God bless you in the name of Jesus Christ. And listen, you can make it through the holidays, and you can be happy and joyful. Let other people have their behavior. You concentrate on yourself and your reactions and your response in Jesus’ name. Amen.