Four Ways to Resolve a Conflict

Hello, welcome to Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self, the show that empowers you with the Holy Spirit and gives you the ability to overcome every scheme of the enemy so you can enter your promised land. Today, you're going to get a new strategy for success in your life.

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Hey, welcome to Self Talk. It's me, Dr. Ray Self. Thank you for being a part of the show. Couldn't do it without you. As a matter of fact, I'm doing it for you. Thank you so much. Today, an important topic about anger…anger, conflict. What are we going to do about it? How do we handle it? What's the answer? Stay tuned. Please check out International College of Ministry. Enrolling right now at icmcollege.org. If God's called you, what are you waiting for? God's called you. Get equipped. Get trained. Get accredited degree. You can do it. icmcollege.org.

All right, let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for the show, for everyone who's listening to it. I pray that you will lead me with my words. In Jesus’ name. Amen. Conflict happens, arguments, fights, differences of opinion, and you know the drill. Sometimes it's, uh, peaceful, it's civil, sometimes it's not. But conflict happens. But what I want to speak about today is conflict with someone you love. Your spouse, your wife, your husband, your children. Conflict. Conflict. You see, conflict can be a positive thing. It can build respect. It can solve an issue. It can build understanding and create a stronger relationship. Or conflict can cause separation, hurt, pain, uh, discouragement, frustration, and can lead to even extreme things like, like violence. Conflict is inevitable. But how you resolve conflict is critical. I want to talk about that because when a conflict happens with a person you love, typically there are four ways that a person resolves conflict. What are the four ways? Well, and, and you will probably fall into one of these four categories. 

One– first category is people who yield. You know, I, I, I don't want conflict. This person: “I don't want conflict. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to get into this. So, um, I just, I just yield. I give in to you. I, I yield. I, I appease you. I yield. Just whatever you want. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Yes. Whatever. Whatever. I, I don't want to fight about it, so let's do it.” Now, there's a, there's a problem with that because people who, who, uh, yield are really not being honest. And the problem's not being resolved. The person who yields maybe has a different opinion. And I want to tell you something: your opinion is valuable. What you think matters. How you feel matters. Your opinion matters. Your needs, your desires, your thoughts, your ideas, they matter. They matter to…they matter. They matter to God. They're important. And so, when you're, um, a yielder and you disagree, yeah, it's not really resolving anything. In a way, you're denying yourself and, and causing all kinds of other issues. The issue doesn't go away, but you have just hurt yourself. And that may be, you know, who you are, but I'm going to give you an answer to this, okay? Stay tuned. Hang in there.

The second are people who just avoid it. They're not, they're not yielding. They are ducking it. They are absolutely avoiding at all cost. There's some that yield. They, they talk about it. They discuss it, and they give in to you. They give in to the conflict. Give in to the other side. And there's others that just…will figure out a way to avoid it at all cost. Avoid it. Now, I want to tell you something. I give you a little tip. I mean, I hate conflict. People with the motivational gift of compassion especially hate conflict. I don't know why that is. It may be because they have a tender heart, and conflict hurts them so deeply. But people with the gift of compassion, uh, despise conflict. But you can yield; you can avoid it. Now, both of those are really dishonest. Not being true to yourself, not resolving the issue. Uh, it, it…they don't accomplish anything except your ego, your self-esteem, drops. The other person may feel a little bit better, but it's not really honest. Yielding and avoiding is not being completely honest because even though you're yielding or you're avoiding, you have an opinion that matters, and the issue is still there. You just avoided the issue or yielded to the issue. Nothing's resolved except you have denied yourself.

The third way is the most common way people do conflict, and that is fight to win. “I'm right, and I'm going to prove that I'm right. And while I'm proving I'm right, I'm going to prove that you're wrong. You see, I have a, a better opinion. I have a smarter opinion. I've done my research. I know the facts. I know that I'm right. I'm going to stand my ground. I'm going to prove that– how wrong you are and how right that I am.” Think about this. Now, people do this all the time. What's wrong with this? “Well, if you're right, you're right. Stand your ground.” Well, you can be right all day long and lose the relationship. You can be right and be extremely lonely. You see, nobody wants to be the wrong person. Those people that fight to win- it’s called fight to win. There's yield, avoid, fight to win. Three ways. I'm going to talk about a fourth way, but three ways people resolve conflict. Yield, avoid, fight to win. Fight to win is the most common way, and it's also the most destructive way, and it seems a little counterintuitive, but you, you know you're right; therefore, you have the strong desire to prove your rightness. But what you're doing in proving your rightness is you're proving their wrongness. And nobody wants to be the wrong person. Nobody wants to be the incorrect person.

So you can be right, but you're sacrificing a relationship. Is it worth it, proving that you're right and sacrificing the relationship? And I know people that will destroy relationships because of their stubbornness and their determination to prove their correctness and prove your incorrectness. Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't stand up for what's right, but when you're in a conflict, especially now, I'm really kind of, really focusing more on loved ones here. When you're in a conflict with a loved one, and you're gonna prove how right you are and how wrong they are, nothing good is going to come out of that. You may win the fight and lose your marriage. You may win the fight and lose your friendship. You may win the fight, lose your relationship. You see, and the conflict has - instead of resolving an issue has just created another issue and caused more damage. So what do you do? What's the answer? You may ask. There is an answer. And the answer is not avoiding. It's not yielding. And it's not fighting to win. The answer is finding God's answer. It's finding a godly resolution. What is the answer? The answer is seeking the Lord and finding God's answer. 

You see, God has an answer to every conflict. And if both parties are willing to say, “You know what, you know, I really believe that we've got a, we've got an impasse here. Uh, I believe I'm right, and I respect you, and I know you believe you're right.” Now, see, that's, that's okay to do that. You know, I can listen to you, give you respect, and not agree with you. You know, your opinion matters. I may disagree with you completely, but your opinion matters. You may disagree with me completely, but my opinion matters. So, will you have a conflict? What are you going to do? You look for God's answer to the conflict. You look for a godly resolution. You stop and pray and say, "Lord, I'm in a conflict with my wife. I'm in a conflict with my husband. Lord, what would you have us do? What, what is the answer to this, Lord?" You see, instead of proving I'm right and you're wrong, I'm looking for a godly resolution. A godly resolution. Let me tell you a story with my wife and I that happened, um, early on in our marriage. We did a lot of traveling, and this particular day I needed to travel, uh, back to my– back to Tennessee, and I'm down in Florida, and my wife was driving me to the airport. And on the way to the airport, um, we had an argument, and I knew she was wrong and…but she wouldn't admit it, and she held her ground, and I got upset, and I mean– and I decided that we're gonna talk about this. I'm not going to leave town until we talk about this and we resolve this. And this, this strife, this argument caused tension in the car. There was just tension in the air. We were in the parking lot of the airport. And she said, "You're going to be late for your flight." I said, "I'm not leaving till we settle this." And what I was thinking was, "I'm not leaving till you admit you're wrong and I'm right." And I was determined. And this sounds normal. And this is very common. But something struck me in my heart, and it was, “Just pray.” I didn't want to pray because I was upset. I heard the words “pray.” I heard the word “pray.” And I knew the Lord was prompting me to pray. I didn't want to pray, but I was– because I was, you know, when you're upset, it's hard to pray. Finally, I looked at my wife, and I said, "Let's pray. Will you pray with me?" And somehow she agreed. And, uh, we began to pray. And as we prayed, the presence of the Lord came into that car. The anointing of God came into the car. I could feel His presence come into the car. And we prayed together. And I said, "I feel the anointing." She said, "I feel it, too."

And we sat there in the car, and we prayed for a few minutes, and we looked at each other, and all of a sudden I could not remember what we were arguing about. I– honestly, to this day. And she could not either. We could not remember the argument. We, we could not remember what we were fighting about. The peace of God that passes all understanding came into that car. We prayed. The problem was solved. And to this day, I'm not even sure what it was. But the, but the answer to the problem was God wanted us to pray, and He wanted to give us His peace and His anointing, and that solved the issue, whatever the issue was. But you see, you may have a, a serious conflict with your husband or with your wife. But when you stop and pray and say, "Lord, we're not– we're– we don't agree with each other. Father, I, I, I don't– I think my wife is wrong. I believe she's wrong, Father. I know she– and, and she believes I'm wrong. Lord, what would you have us do? Father, what is your answer to this? Lord, give us your answer,” and be still. And He has an answer to it. And He has an answer. He has a resolution to your conflict. And you want to seek that resolution. It could be that maybe you need to lay down your agenda. Maybe He wants you to adjust it. Maybe He has a compromise for you, a new idea for you. But I promise you, God's not stumped by your argument. He's not going, "Oh my gosh, we got an argument here. I don't– I can't figure out what we're going to do." God knows what to do. If you seek a godly resolution to the conflict instead of fighting to prove yourself right or avoiding it or yielding to it, you seek the Lord, and you seek His wisdom. You seek His counsel, and the conflict is resolved in a godly manner. So, are you a yielder? Are you an appeaser or an avoider? Are you a fight-to-win person? Are you a godly person who says, "You know what, God? I don't want my answer to this. I want your answer. I don't know what the answer is. I know, I think I'm right. I believe they're wrong. And they have the same opinion of me. Lord, what would you have us do? Lord, what would you have us do?" Find a godly resolution. There is a godly answer to every single conflict. And you know what? You may have to humble yourself and, and ask this question. Here's a big question. You might be right. You might want to ask yourself, “How important is it that I remain right and to prove them wrong?” Or the biggest question: what I'm trying to get across in this show is, “Lord Jesus, what would you have us do in this situation? What is your answer? We don't agree, but Lord, what is your answer?” And I'll tell you something about husbands and wives. Usually, when you tell your wife, and you know, I'm talking, I'm a guy. When I tell my wife, “You know what, I want to pray. I really want to seek God about this.” She's not going to argue with me. She said, “Okay.” Most people will agree to say when you say, "I just really want to seek the Lord about this. I care about you. We have a serious issue here. I want to seek the Lord. Do you want to pray with me?" Most people will do it. They'll go along with that. You see, God's got an answer to every conflict. Seek the godly resolution. Amen. Amen.

All right. Well, thank you for listening. This has been episode 274. Can you believe that? I'm Dr. Ray Self, and this has been Self Talk. You know the drill. Please subscribe, yield. Uh, not yield. Uh, subscribe, share, download, tell people about the show, you know, help us out. If you'd like to make a donation. That'd be really good. Really cool. What I'm really looking for is some ministry partners. I need, I literally need about a hundred people who would commit to $10 to $20 a month. There's so much we could do with that, especially with the– my scholarship fund, the people that I scholarship, and the money I give away to my school in India and in Peru, and the people that we help through this ministry. You know, we are 501c3, you know. Um, if you go to the website icmcollege.org, you can become a recurring partner. That would help us so much. Anyway, but it's up to you. You pray about it. You pray about it. Find a godly resolution to it. Amen. Thank you for being a part of Self Talk. I am Ray Self, and I'm very self-aware, self-conscious, and I think I gotta go because I need to take a selfie. God bless you.

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Thank you so much for listening to today's show. I appreciate you very, very much. Don't forget, go to our website for the show. The easiest way to get to it is at icmcollege.org/selftalk. There you can access any of our previous over 200 episodes. You can like, you can subscribe, you can get on our email list. Don't forget to share it with your friends. Again, thank you for being a part of Self Talk. God bless.