WEBVTT
1
00:00:03.160 --> 00:00:18.760
Calarogu Shark Media. Hello and welcome to Romance Weekly. This
2
00:00:18.960 --> 00:00:35.359
is the January Man, Episode two, The Thaw. I spent
3
00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:39.759
three days researching winter walkers. The Internet was mostly useless,
4
00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:44.320
paranormal forums full of people who'd felt presences in blizzards,
5
00:00:44.759 --> 00:00:49.079
ghost hunters in Wisconsin claiming to have captured orbs in snowstorms.
6
00:00:49.679 --> 00:00:52.840
A Reddit thread about seasonal effective disorder that someone had
7
00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:57.679
tagged with winter spirits for reasons I couldn't fathom. But
8
00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:02.079
the University library had older source is folklore collections from
9
00:01:02.119 --> 00:01:08.280
Scandinavian immigrants Ojibwe oral traditions transcribed by ethnographers in the
10
00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:13.079
eighteen nineties, a slim volume of Scottish Highlands mythology that
11
00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:18.840
mentioned those who walk between the frosts. The stories varied,
12
00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:24.400
but the core was consistent. Spirits bound to the harshest seasons,
13
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:29.760
tasked with guiding the lost. They existed in the spaces
14
00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:35.120
where survival became uncertain, the killing cold, the drowning floods,
15
00:01:35.480 --> 00:01:40.680
the burning droughts. Once, according to one account, there had
16
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:45.799
been dozens of them, hundreds, maybe a whole ecology of
17
00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:52.359
threshold guardians, each tied to their particular danger now there
18
00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:57.560
were almost none. The book didn't say why climate change
19
00:01:57.640 --> 00:02:00.920
wasn't a concept in nineteen o three when it was published,
20
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:07.359
but reading between the lines, the pattern was clear. As
21
00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:11.199
the season softened, as central heating and modern medicine and
22
00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:17.560
infrastructure made survival less precarious, the spirits faded. They existed
23
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:23.039
because they were needed. When the need diminished, so did they.
24
00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:26.960
Callum was one of the last, and he was running
25
00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:38.840
out of time. The temperature rose to thirty four degrees
26
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:42.240
on January fifth, I walked to the corner where I'd
27
00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:45.159
first seen him and found nothing but slush and traffic.
28
00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.680
On the sixth, it hit thirty eight, and I felt
29
00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:55.360
something I hadn't expected. Grief, anticipatory grief, the kind I
30
00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:58.439
helped my clients navigate when a loved one was dying slowly,
31
00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:03.919
the loss for the loss. I barely knew him, I'd
32
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:07.280
spoken to him for maybe an hour, but the thought
33
00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:11.479
of him fading, dissolving into a warming world that didn't
34
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:17.599
need him anymore, it sat in my chest like a stone.
35
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:20.439
On the morning of January seventh, I woke to a
36
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:24.719
text from Marcus Chen, thank you for finding me. I'm
37
00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:28.120
checking into a treatment program today. I don't know how
38
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:30.919
you knew where I was, but I'm grateful you did.
39
00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:35.199
I stared at the message for a long time. Then
40
00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:39.759
I got dressed and went to work. The temperature dropped
41
00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:44.039
that night, minus two by sunset, minus eleven by midnight.
42
00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:48.439
I felt the change before I saw it, a sharpening
43
00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:51.400
in the air, a brittleness that made my lungs ache
44
00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:54.800
when I breathed. I was making tea in my kitchen
45
00:03:54.840 --> 00:03:59.560
when I heard his voice. You've been researching me. I
46
00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:04.319
didn't see startle. Somehow I'd known he was coming. Callum
47
00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:07.120
was standing by my window, more solid than I'd ever
48
00:04:07.159 --> 00:04:11.680
seen him. The cold had brought him back, fully filled
49
00:04:11.680 --> 00:04:14.560
in the edges that had wavered and flickered three days ago.
50
00:04:15.159 --> 00:04:19.439
He looked almost alive. I found some folklore, I said,
51
00:04:20.279 --> 00:04:25.279
stories about winter walkers, threshold guardians. Most of it's wrong.
52
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:30.920
He almost smiled, But the bones are usually true. It said,
53
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:35.120
there used to be more of you. There were. He
54
00:04:35.160 --> 00:04:37.639
moved away from the window, and I noticed he left
55
00:04:37.639 --> 00:04:42.000
no footprints on my floor, disturbed, no dust present, but
56
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:46.240
not quite physical. When I first started walking, I could
57
00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:51.120
feel others distant, but there a woman in northern Ontario,
58
00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:54.720
a man in the Alps, A whole family in Siberia,
59
00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:58.040
if you can believe it, four generations of walkers passing
60
00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:03.160
the duty down. What happened to them? The winters got shorter,
61
00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:07.839
the cold got less deadly. People stopped dying in blizzards,
62
00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:12.079
so there were fewer lost souls to guide. He sat
63
00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:15.959
on my couch, or rather he positioned himself as if
64
00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:20.439
sitting hovering a millimeter above the cushions. One by one,
65
00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:24.279
they faded. The woman in Ontario was last. I think
66
00:05:24.920 --> 00:05:27.720
I felt her go about thirty years ago, like a
67
00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:30.199
candle going out on the other side of the world.
68
00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:33.759
I brought my tea to the chair across from him.
69
00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:37.240
The steam rose between us, and I watched him watch it,
70
00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:41.680
the movement of heat, of life, of things he couldn't touch.
71
00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:46.879
Tell me about Margaret, I said. He was quiet for
72
00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:50.319
so long I thought he wouldn't answer. She was seven
73
00:05:50.360 --> 00:05:54.399
when I died. He finally said, seven years old, burning
74
00:05:54.439 --> 00:05:57.360
with fever, and I walked into a blizzard to save her.
75
00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:02.319
He looked at his hands, pale, translucent in the lamp light.
76
00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:07.120
The deal I made saved her life. The fever broke
77
00:06:07.160 --> 00:06:10.199
that night, but I never got to tell her good bye,
78
00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:15.360
never got to explain why I wasn't coming home. Did
79
00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:18.680
she know what happened to you? She knew I died.
80
00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:22.079
They found my body in the spring when the snow melted.
81
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:27.800
But she didn't know he stopped started again. She didn't know.
82
00:06:27.839 --> 00:06:32.959
I was still there, watching every birthday, every milestone. I
83
00:06:33.040 --> 00:06:35.399
was at her wedding. I was there when her first
84
00:06:35.480 --> 00:06:38.839
child was born. I stood outside the window and watched
85
00:06:38.839 --> 00:06:42.439
her rock that baby to sleep, and I couldn't. His
86
00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:47.279
voice broke, just for a moment. Then he collected himself
87
00:06:47.879 --> 00:06:51.720
and his face smoothed back into that ancient calm. She
88
00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:56.800
lived to eighty three. Good life, happy life, surrounded by
89
00:06:56.800 --> 00:07:00.879
people who loved her. He looked at me. I was
90
00:07:00.920 --> 00:07:03.560
there at the end too, standing at the window of
91
00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:07.879
the hospice in a January cold snap, And just before
92
00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:11.920
she went, she looked right at me, right through the glass,
93
00:07:12.199 --> 00:07:17.480
and she smiled. She saw you, I think so, just
94
00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:21.680
for a moment, right at the threshold. He smiled too,
95
00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:25.000
but it was fragile. That's the only time in one
96
00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:28.439
hundred eighty years that anyone saw me without me reaching
97
00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:32.680
for them first. Until you, I didn't know what to say.
98
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:35.680
I wrapped my hands around my tee and let the
99
00:07:35.720 --> 00:07:40.079
warmth seep into my fingers. Why me, I finally asked,
100
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:45.000
Why can I see you? I don't know. He leaned forward,
101
00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:49.920
studying my face like it held answers. There's something in Uvera,
102
00:07:50.720 --> 00:07:54.399
something frozen. I felt it the first time I saw
103
00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:58.279
you standing at that window in your office. You carry
104
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:02.839
winter inside you the same way I do my brother.
105
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:06.399
I know I don't know the details, but I can
106
00:08:06.439 --> 00:08:11.000
feel it, the loss, the cold it left behind. His
107
00:08:11.079 --> 00:08:16.439
eyes were gentle Witnesses usually have wounds like that threshold
108
00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:20.360
experiences that opened something in them, made them able to
109
00:08:20.360 --> 00:08:25.839
perceive what others can't. I thought about THEO, about the bridge,
110
00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:29.519
the frozen river, the way I'd spent five years trying
111
00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:33.559
to outrun a grief I couldn't name. There's someone else,
112
00:08:34.200 --> 00:08:37.639
Callum said, pulling me back, someone who needs help tonight.
113
00:08:38.399 --> 00:08:43.559
That's why I came another lost soul, a girl nineteen.
114
00:08:44.080 --> 00:08:47.600
She's been frozen in place for almost a week. He stood,
115
00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:51.399
and the air around him seemed to crystallize, tiny ice
116
00:08:51.480 --> 00:08:55.759
particles catching the light. Will you come with me? I
117
00:08:55.759 --> 00:09:08.480
put down my tea. Let's go Her name was Delia Torres.
118
00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:12.440
She lived in a dormitory at the university, a squat
119
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:16.039
brick building that looked like every other dormitory in every
120
00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:19.840
cold weather campus in America. Her room was on the
121
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:25.120
fourth floor, windows dark, curtains drawn. She hasn't left that
122
00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:29.000
room in six days, Callum said. We were standing on
123
00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:32.519
the sidewalk below our breath fogging in the minus fifteen air.
124
00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:37.919
Hasn't answered her phone, hasn't responded to Knox. Her roommate
125
00:09:38.039 --> 00:09:41.240
is staying with a boyfriend. Thinks Delia just wants privacy.
126
00:09:42.519 --> 00:09:45.519
How do you know all this? I walk the cold,
127
00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:49.399
I feel the lost ones. He looked up at her window.
128
00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:55.240
She's not suicidal, not yet. But she stopped, just stopped.
129
00:09:56.080 --> 00:10:00.039
The cold got inside her and everything froze. The freeze,
130
00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:04.679
I said, remembering his phrase from the garage. Yes, it's
131
00:10:04.679 --> 00:10:08.919
different from active crisis. Harder to see, harder to reach.
132
00:10:10.080 --> 00:10:13.519
He turned to me. I can go in, walk through
133
00:10:13.559 --> 00:10:16.799
the walls, be present in the room with her. But
134
00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.720
she can't hear me, can't see me. All I can
135
00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:23.519
do is try to warm the space around her, make
136
00:10:23.559 --> 00:10:28.240
her feel less alone. And me you can talk to her,
137
00:10:29.039 --> 00:10:33.320
actually reach her he paused, if you can get in.
138
00:10:34.679 --> 00:10:38.240
I looked at the building, locked doors, security systems, an
139
00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:40.679
ra who would want to know why a stranger was
140
00:10:40.679 --> 00:10:44.240
trying to access a student's room at midnight. I'll figure
141
00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:48.200
it out, I said. It took twenty minutes and a
142
00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:51.399
lot of creative truth telling. I found the night r
143
00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:55.159
a a tired looking junior named Marcus, which felt like
144
00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:58.159
a sign, and explained that I was a grief counselor
145
00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:03.320
who'd received a concerning message from Delia's mother. That wasn't true,
146
00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:06.639
but it was plausible that Delia had a history of
147
00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:10.559
depression and hadn't responded to family contact in almost a week.
148
00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:13.960
That might have been true. I was guessing based on
149
00:11:14.039 --> 00:11:17.639
what Callum had told me. I can't just let you
150
00:11:17.679 --> 00:11:21.000
into a student's room, Marcus said, I'm not asking you
151
00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:24.000
to let me in. I'm asking you to check on her.
152
00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:27.799
Knock on the door. If she answers and says she's fine,
153
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:33.879
I'll leave. He wavered. I could see him calculating liability,
154
00:11:34.519 --> 00:11:41.080
imagining the worst case scenario, weighing his exhaustion against his conscience. Fine,
155
00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:44.879
he said, but I'm coming with you. We climbed to
156
00:11:44.919 --> 00:11:49.320
the fourth floor. The hallway was quiet, that eerie one
157
00:11:49.399 --> 00:11:54.080
am silence of a building full of sleeping students. Delia's
158
00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:56.679
door was at the end, marked with a whiteboard that
159
00:11:56.759 --> 00:12:01.799
hadn't been written on in weeks. Marcus, not Delia, it's
160
00:12:01.799 --> 00:12:07.960
the ra just checking in silence. He knocked again, Delia,
161
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:13.200
can you let me know you're okay? Silence. I could
162
00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.720
feel something on the other side of the door, not Callum,
163
00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:22.679
something else, await, a stillness, the frozen stasis of a
164
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:27.399
person who had stopped believing that motion was possible. Delia,
165
00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:31.360
I said, stepping closer to the door. My name is Vera.
166
00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:35.320
I'm a counselor. I'm not here to force you to
167
00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:39.759
do anything. I just want to make sure you're safe.
168
00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:45.279
Nothing then, so faint. I almost missed it, the creak
169
00:12:45.320 --> 00:12:50.480
of bedsprings movement. I know what it feels like, I said,
170
00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:54.879
pressing my palm flat against the door, when everything freezes,
171
00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:57.679
when you can't remember why you used to get out
172
00:12:57.720 --> 00:13:01.879
of bed, or eat breakfast or answer your phone, when
173
00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:06.639
the world keeps going and you're just stuck. Marcus was
174
00:13:06.679 --> 00:13:10.120
watching me with an expression I couldn't read. I didn't care.
175
00:13:10.919 --> 00:13:13.600
I was talking to the door, to the girl behind it,
176
00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:17.600
to the frozen place inside both of us. My brother
177
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:21.320
died five years ago New Year's Day, and after that
178
00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:27.440
everything stopped. I went through the motions, work, food, sleep,
179
00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:31.559
but I wasn't really there. I was frozen inside. A
180
00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:35.799
moment I couldn't escape. I leaned my forehead against the wood.
181
00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:39.440
It took me a long time to understand that the
182
00:13:39.480 --> 00:13:43.679
way out isn't around the ice, it's through it, and
183
00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:49.559
you can't do that alone. Silence, then footsteps, then the
184
00:13:49.600 --> 00:13:54.240
click of a lock. The door opened. Delia Torres was
185
00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:58.200
nineteen years old and looked about twelve. She was wearing
186
00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:01.559
sweatpants and a T shirt that had probably been slept
187
00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:05.759
in for days. Her hair was tangled, her eyes hollow,
188
00:14:06.279 --> 00:14:10.200
her skin the color of old paper. But she was standing.
189
00:14:11.080 --> 00:14:13.519
She was at the door. She was looking at me.
190
00:14:14.879 --> 00:14:19.039
I can't feel anything, she whispered. I haven't felt anything
191
00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:24.159
in weeks. I know. I stepped into the doorway, slow
192
00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:28.360
and careful, the way you'd approach a wounded animal. Can
193
00:14:28.399 --> 00:14:32.879
I come in? She nodded. Marcus started to follow, but
194
00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:36.639
I shook my head. Give us a few minutes. I'll
195
00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:42.120
text you. He hesitated, then nodded, I'll be right down
196
00:14:42.159 --> 00:14:46.200
the hall. I stepped into Delia's room and closed the
197
00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:50.840
door behind me. Callum was there. I could feel him,
198
00:14:51.159 --> 00:14:54.159
even if I couldn't see him at first, a presence
199
00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:57.559
in the corner, a faint warmth cutting through the stale
200
00:14:57.559 --> 00:15:01.759
cold of the room. Then my eyes adjusted and I
201
00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:07.840
saw him standing by the window, watching. Delia couldn't see him,
202
00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:12.480
but she looked toward his corner anyway, frowning slightly. It's
203
00:15:12.519 --> 00:15:16.039
warmer over there, she said. It's been like that for days.
204
00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:20.480
This warm spot that doesn't make sense. Maybe that's a
205
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:25.519
good sign, I said, warm spots in cold rooms. We
206
00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:29.240
talked for an hour. She told me about the darkness
207
00:15:29.320 --> 00:15:32.360
that had descended after winter break, the way the short
208
00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:34.879
days and long nights had triggered something she didn't have
209
00:15:34.960 --> 00:15:40.200
words for. She'd stopped going to class, then stopped answering texts,
210
00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:45.120
then stopped getting out of bed. She wasn't trying to die,
211
00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:48.600
she just couldn't remember how to live. I told her
212
00:15:48.639 --> 00:15:53.039
about THEO. Not everything, not the bridge, not the blame,
213
00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:57.320
not the way I'd frozen myself as penance, but enough
214
00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:01.320
enough to let her know she wasn't alone. Enough to
215
00:16:01.399 --> 00:16:03.320
let her see that someone else had walked through the
216
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:07.840
ice and survived. At two a m. She ate a
217
00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:12.120
granola bar, her first food in three days. At two
218
00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:14.879
thirty she took a shower while I waited in the hall.
219
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:18.759
At three am, she gave me her mother's phone number
220
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:22.600
and asked me to call her in the morning. Small victories,
221
00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:27.840
but real I found Callum waiting for me outside the dormitory.
222
00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:32.519
The temperature had dropped further minus eighteen now, and he
223
00:16:32.600 --> 00:16:35.919
was almost glowing with presents, more solid than I'd ever
224
00:16:35.960 --> 00:16:40.840
seen him. Thank you, he said. I've been trying to
225
00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:44.639
reach her for days, filling that room with warmth, hoping
226
00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:49.360
she'd feel less alone. But I couldn't. You couldn't talk
227
00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:54.080
to her. I know. We walked together through the frozen campus,
228
00:16:54.600 --> 00:16:58.600
past buildings dark with sleep, past trees glazed with ice,
229
00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:01.559
past a world that had no idea how close one
230
00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.160
of its daughters had come to slipping away. Why do
231
00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:09.440
you do this, I asked, after one hundred eighty years,
232
00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:13.359
after watching everyone you loved die, why do you keep
233
00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:18.880
walking because Margaret survived? He said, it simply like it
234
00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:22.240
was the most obvious thing in the world. She had
235
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:24.960
a life because I made a deal. And every person
236
00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:29.039
I guide home, every Marcus, every Delia. They might have
237
00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:34.640
children too, grandchildren, generations that exist because someone was there
238
00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.720
on the coldest night to show them the way back.
239
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:42.680
That's a lonely kind of meaning. Yes, he stopped walking,
240
00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:46.079
turned to face me. But it's the only kind I have.
241
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:50.519
We stood there in the dark, in the deep cold,
242
00:17:51.240 --> 00:17:55.960
two frozen people looking at each other. The temperature's going
243
00:17:55.960 --> 00:18:00.839
to drop tomorrow, Callum said, polar vortex. They're saying it