UPDATED - Topic Tuesday - Siblings

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Hi, and welcome to the second episode of Call Her Cat. I'd like to apologize about the episode that I just published. There were some technical difficulties and the audio did not record. So this is the updated topic Tuesday of siblings. Now a lot of us have siblings. And siblings are probably one of the most complicated relationships that we can have. And I'd like to talk a little bit about my experience with siblings, and I'd love to hear you comment about yours. And feel free to send anything to me through the email if you'd like.com. I'd love to hear from you. So growing up in a alcoholic home where there's mental illness, where there's abuse, where there's neglect, there's not a lot of room for healthy relationships, whether it's parent to child, child to parent, sibling to sibling, whatever. You know, we didn't have like, you know, Sunday dinners, we didn't even have holidays. Do you know what I mean? Like it was very sad. We did what we could to be out of the house as much as possible. You know, and I had grew I grew up with three older brothers, ages um, the oldest was 13 years older than me, then 11, then nine. I was not planned, I was the m mistake, I guess you could say. And I was also the girl. So it was like the three of them and then me. And as soon as they could get out, they did get out. And I cannot really blame them for that, because if I was in their shoes with the physical abuse that they withstood from my father, I would probably have gotten out as soon as I could too. And, you know, so I think growing up like that, wanting to get out as soon as they possibly could, the quickest way and the easiest way to do that is to start working. And you earn money to save a car, save it for a car. Well, that's the quickest way to make relationships at a young age seem more transactional. And I think to this day, that's one of the reasons why our relationship is really non-existent. It's there's nothing in it for them to have a relationship with me. They're simply not. My oldest brother I haven't talked to in I don't even know how many years. My middle brother passed away from an overdose about 20 years ago. Um my youngest one I've been off and on with, and I think it'll probably be off forever at this point. You know, and it it really hurts me because there's been periods in my life where our relationship is kind of like we've come together for a little bit, you know, for like a sentence or a paragraph of a chapter, and then they duck out again. And it's been very hard for me to distinguish if I ever actually meant anything to them in the first place. Um, but that makes sense because I question whether or not I meant anything to my father in the first place. And I think they do too. Again, he was a complicated man and you know, was very troubled. And, you know, growing up was just survival. So they slept together as being three boys, being very close in age. Um I mean, they were good brothers. They did what they could do. They watched me when they could. Um, they helped my mom out. Um, they paid for my dance classes when they could. I'm not at all saying they're not good brothers. I think they did the best they could with what they have. And they didn't have much to go on as far as male role models, if you're speaking in terms of my father. So I looked outwards for male role models with um, you know, coworkers or bosses, teachers, whatever. And, you know, one of the problems growing up in an alcoholic home is that especially when you have three boys and a father who's just completely off the wall in his own addiction and mental illness and and whatever is going on, is the boys don't have a role model for how to treat a woman, how to treat women, their value. Um and I think that's what happened with me. Um, they didn't really learn a value of me other than being a homemaker or a caretaker or doing laundry, dishes, food, all that. And um, you know, I think that's just how I became viewed to them over the years, not really having a value. I mean, I'd see them at holidays and such, but there was no deep conversation because I don't think they thought I had much going on, either between the ears or in my life. And I don't I don't think they cared. And I also think they had a lot going on internally that they couldn't talk about, wouldn't talk about, didn't know how to talk about. Um, and I think also growing up in an alcoholic home with my mother, you know, enabling our father like she was, and she was to some degree, you know, she also enabled their poor behavior. My behavior was enabled at times, but not as much as theirs. So they learned from both our parents how to treat women, and it wasn't very good. So I'm not surprised that our relationship is pretty much non-existent at this point. I've yet to even speak to my older brother since our father passed away. I foolishly thought when our father passed away that, you know, there would be like this reuniting of us. We could come together and, you know, really just even come together for that moment and be siblings and be like, okay, how do we do this together? How do we get through this together? I thought with him passing, it would mark the beginning of a new era where we could heal together and maybe really forge a good relationship forward. And boy, was I wrong, because when he died, it was like the gates of hell opened up. It was just straight chaos for like a year and a half. They didn't even want to sign the papers to release him from the hospital. And granted, they had their reasons, but it soon became two against one. And then one against one, and then two against one again. It was a mess. It was an absolute mess. But that being said, you know, I have a great amount of respect for my brothers and what they've been through and what they've accomplished in their lives. But there's holes for me. I don't know a lot about them. You know, my oldest brother, who's 13 years older than me, you know, he's what, 55 years old. I don't know that much about him. You know, he doesn't really have a need to know me because, again, I don't really add anything to his life, either financially or career-wise or anything. He's kind of been a lone wolf for a while, and I think he likes it that way, and that's fine. But I'm of the belief that we all need relationships to survive, to really thrive, not just survive, but to thrive, but to thrive. We've had enough of surviving, you know what I mean? And I thought when our father passed, we really would come together and just really hash it out, and then it could be the beginning of a new era after he passed. But it what it comes down to is A, all parties gotta want it, and B, all parties gotta be somewhat healed. And, you know, there I've been on this healing journey for maybe four or five years now. I I don't think they've been on one, and I don't think they care to rehash anything that happened with our father for reasons that I understand. It's too painful, it's complicated, he's not worth it. But in the end, it's it's damaging all the relationships around them because they're unhealed from what happened to them, from what he did. And I thought if we had honest conversations, it would help them heal not only our relationships themselves, but the relationships around them. It did not go that way, and it's something that really, really hurts me deeply. Um, so what are what is what is your sibling relationship look like if you have some? You know, where if it's if it's an older brother, older sister, younger brother, younger sister, what does that look like for you? How does it make you feel? You know, are the things that you change? Um, or do you even have a relationship with them? You know, and I think in my heart there will always be a hole because to some degree I just feel like you know, I was there, but they didn't really want me there. And it's sad because growing up, to me, my brothers hung the moon. Um, they were just the coolest. You know, I grew up in the late 80s, early 90s with the the fast cars and the the hair metal, and I just thought they were the coolest. And you know, I had this vision in my head of us like, you know, as we got older coming together a little bit more than we have. But sometimes the damage that's done for some people, I think it almost becomes too too much to heal. And I think I think that's the case here. I think it's just too much for them to heal and they don't want to revisit it. That and there's just no reason for them to have a relationship with me. There's nothing in it for them. And, you know, so I'd love to hear your experiences with your siblings if you'd like to share. And I'd also love to open this up to anyone who wants to talk about their experiences with growing up in an alcoholic home or a home filled with addiction and mental illness. Or even if you're an addict yourself, I'd love to talk to you and hear your story. Um, I think it's important to have these conversations, even if they are awkward or crunchy or uncomfortable or vulnerable. I think we need to have those conversations so we can erase some of this stigma and maybe heal a little bit. So at the end of the day, we're all just trying to walk each other home. You know what I mean? Um, so thank you for tuning in for Topic Tuesday. It's a short one today. But on Friday, I will be reading uh the second part, the second chapter in my book called Arrangements, which is um about arrangements for my father's funeral. So um, until we meet again, have a great day.