Journey From Addiction to Spiritual Freedom

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But what I kept doing, though, and I want to tell you what saved me while I was still,

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you know, drinking a little bit here and there, is I submerged myself in every three days

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I was going to therapy, learning cognitive behavioral therapy, learning dialectical behavior,

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learning EMDR, eye movement, desensitization and reprocessing, having transcranial magnetic

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stimulation.

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All of these things, all of these healing modalities were still entering my life, and

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I was eager to do it again.

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Her work explores healing from religious rejection, shame, addiction, and identity wounds through

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the lens of unconditional love and spiritual awakening.

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Drawing from lived experience rather than doctrine, Fennex speaks openly about the intersection

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of trauma, faith, the LGBTQ plus identity, recovery, and personal transformation.

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Her perspective resonates with people searching for a more compassionate and authentic relationship

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with themselves and with God beyond traditional religious structures.

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I'm very excited to talk to you.

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Welcome Fennex.

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Oh, thank you, Cat.

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Thank you so much.

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Did I miss anything?

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Is there anything you wanted to add to your bio that we didn't get to?

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No, but can I just say something about the unconventional counselor?

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The reason why I call myself that, even though I'm just a practitioner, is because I heal

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traumatic memories the unconventional way.

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I use specific techniques such as havening techniques and neuro-linguistics programming

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specifically for traumatic events to help erase or desensitize memories.

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And the best part about it, just to say it, no one ever has to tell me their trauma.

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All they have to do is say, Fennex, can you just help me erase this memory because it's

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intruding in my mind, and I just want to clear that.

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And I'm like, let's clear it.

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So that's why I call myself the unconventional counselor.

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It's not about talk therapy, but I do promote talk therapy in my book and in my life and

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my own life.

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So yeah, absolutely.

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So that's why I call it.

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Well, thank you, because I have heard a little bit about havening.

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It's relatively new to me, and I do want to hear more about that because I think there's

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definitely a space for it.

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There's definitely a space for that, especially without having to talk about the trauma, which

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a lot of people do not want to specifically do, nor do I think it's good sometimes to

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just keep bringing it up.

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I agree.

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Sometimes there were some things that I had done in my childhood that I wish to this day

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I had never done it.

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I never talked about it in therapy because I was so ashamed of it.

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So when I learned havening, I said, you know what, I'm going to haven the heck out of myself.

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And I havened it so much to where I erased it, and it doesn't bother me.

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Like even though I had killed myself, and we'll talk about that, it would still intrude.

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Like I could be eating dinner, boom, right there, like, hey, you remember the shameful

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moment you did?

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I still love myself.

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I'm still forgiving myself.

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But man, I erased it, and it's freedom.

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It's freedom.

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I didn't have to tell a single soul.

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I just did it to myself.

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And so that's, yeah, so I do that for us.

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And that's powerful when you don't have to completely relive everything.

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Never.

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You never do.

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Now, you know, your story, I was reading a little bit about your book, your book did

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just come out, it did just come out.

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And I was wondering, now, there's a lot in the book.

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And I'm wondering if you could kind of talk about your journey a little bit to this book.

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Oh, thank you.

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Yeah.

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So I talk about in this book, it's a spiritual memoir.

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I left home at 14 years old.

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I was born gay, didn't know what being gay meant, didn't know anything.

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I was a kid.

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And I had written this little love letter to a girl.

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I had been walking her home every day for two weeks.

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And I had a crush.

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I had a crush on her.

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And I wrote her this letter, would you be my girlfriend?

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And of course, she gave it to her dad.

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She's like, Dad, I don't think this is normal.

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And her dad called my father.

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And my father picked up the phone and this man said, look, I think you just need to address

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this with your daughter.

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He wasn't upset.

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He wasn't upset.

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But when my father hung up the phone, he was upset.

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He ended up calling me as a little as a little child, a sicko lesbian.

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He's like, you're a sicko lesbian, and I was just like, my dad is calling me a sicko, like

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I need to die.

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Like if the one man that I respect and honor that I'm looking at him, no, I cannot live.

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I cannot live.

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And so I attempted suicide twice, almost died, almost died.

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But I didn't.

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And because I didn't, I realized, no, I just need to leave home.

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And it was in the morning, which is this is the beginning of the book.

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You know, 559 a.m. in the morning, I'm just waiting for the clock to turn six, pull the

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blankets off of me, grab my heap of clothes.

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And I had already planned on a friend who had a car to come and get me.

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He was older than me to come and get me.

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I was 14 years old.

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And of course, my parents walked out.

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And they heard the shuffling in the room and they're like, what are you leaving?

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I mean, I was 14 years old and I was I was pretty much shaking my head like, yeah, they

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were like, OK.

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And they closed the door, went back to bed.

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And I began the life, a life of addiction, alcoholism, sexual abuse, poverty, homelessness.

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Drugs like you could not believe a life of misery from the age of 14 to the age of 30.

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Yeah, I'm turning 50 in July.

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So at that age, I had to experience that much cycling of traumatic events that continue

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to happen through that long of a journey for me.

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I ended up living what my father, what my father said I was.

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I ended up living the life of that sicko.

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And it was like it was the hardest thing I had to go through.

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And I went through it and I'm grateful I came out a thousand times happier and joyful.

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We'll talk about that.

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But yes, I'm happy that you're here.

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Thank you.

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I'm happy that you're here.

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And what was it like?

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I mean, the first question that comes to mind, how old were you again when you wrote the

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note to the young girl?

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Yeah, I was about I had just turned 14 years old, just turned 14.

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What was it like for a 14-year-old Fennex?

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I mean, that's a big time in any teenage girl's life.

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But what was it like when your father said that to you?

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Like, what was that moment like for that young version of you to hear like, you're trying

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to figure yourself out.

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You're trying to understand your sexuality, like this is all new to you.

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Like you're still explaining what was it like in that moment to like not be met with love

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and concern or acceptance or any of that.

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Yeah, a lot of shame, a lot of shame, self shame.

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Reason being is a couple years prior, I had already been getting molested.

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I was getting molested through a different, not my parents.

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And before I even continue, I want to say this, I have the most incredible relationship

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with my mom and dad.

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Like we I was even on the phone with him yesterday.

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We forgive each other.

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It's all good.

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But back then, I have a twin, I'm a twin, and I have my twin brother, and we were both

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born gay, by the way, so it wasn't a choice.

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So I have my twin brother sitting right across from me.

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I have my sister who's a year and a half sitting right there.

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And then my father, you know, at the edge of the table, and I when he said that, I peered

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up and to look at them and their heads, man, they just they felt the sadness.

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They were mirroring the sadness and the pain that had just struck me.

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And then I was visually able to see how much of pain that just caused me because they were

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showing me they were mirroring what I was feeling.

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And I was like, oh, oh, like, I it was no longer Finex wanting to live.

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I no longer and I will tell you what I ended up doing that week.

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So I ended up consuming a 70 pill of Motrin and Tylenol together.

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I was chugging them down.

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This was about four o'clock.

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It's in my book.

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This is about four o'clock in the afternoon.

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And I and by eight o'clock, I said, Finex, shower, put on your pajamas, and you will

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never have to wake up again, Finex, you will never have to wake up again.

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So I went to bed, believing I was getting ready to die.

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Like it was it was for me.

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And the fact that I woke up at 11 o'clock needing to hurl all this out and having to

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be taken to the hospital.

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Yeah, no, I survived it.

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But man, that was a miserable moment.

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And to know that there was still no compassion, even in those moments, it was more of they

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were angry, angry at the fact that they thought that I was overreacting, like she is uncontrollable.

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She is she doesn't know what you know, what is wrong with my kid instead of saying, what

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did I do?

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What is happening with Finex that is causing her to behave in this manner?

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It wasn't it wasn't a thought in their process at that time.

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They were just running on on fumes like my daughter's trying to kill herself.

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I don't know why she's being very dramatic.

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And what's happening?

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It was it was a very strange moment.

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It was a strange experience.

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I won't lie.

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They hadn't put the pieces together.

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This was equally as challenging for you as it was for them.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And was where it goes.

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Did you where I'm curious, where did you grow up in the church with faith or did your faith

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come after?

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Yeah.

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All these experiences.

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I remember my dad, when we were little baby kids, maybe he did this a couple times, he

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would sit us down on the couch, he'd pull up a chair, and he'd start reading the Bible

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like hard.

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And I was just like, what is that?

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Like, get that away from me, you know?

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But it wasn't until I was 21 years old, I this was the first time I called out to God.

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I was 21 years old, I had gotten into a fight with my girlfriend.

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And I walked to the beach, it was about 1130 at night.

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And I was sitting on a bench overlooking the ocean.

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And I said, God, if you're real, help me.

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And don't you know, he ended up saving my life within minutes, because I was getting

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ready to be attacked.

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And I didn't know it.

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I was just, I was just in reverence, like, help me like I, I need love, like that's what

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I was calling out for, but not recognizing that he was about to save me from a predator

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that was getting ready to kidnap me and possibly murder me that it was 11 o'clock at night,

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no one was out.

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I was I was easy prey.

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And yeah, he saved my life that night.

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And ever since then, he started doing things like that in my life to protect me, and to

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lead me towards him, like every step he was doing, he's like, she doesn't know me.

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She's afraid of me.

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But I'm going to save her in every instance until we are ready to have these conversations.

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And my book, Love Unconditional, it has every conversation that I've ever had with God.

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And it aligns up with scripture to tell you the truth.

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So the fact that I never had had to read the Bible, while I was developing a relationship

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with God, because I was so afraid of the Bible, I was so scared that he had to he realized

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he's like, No, I have to come to her, you know, at her level, which is broken.

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She is afraid.

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And so I need to nurture this relationship before I'm going to ask her to start looking

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into scripture.

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So he did that for me in every conversation I had, that not only tells you what he what

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he's saying, hey, Phinex, you're in danger, get up.

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And then it explains, hey, like he saved my life this time, hey, Phinex, no, I need you

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to go in this direction and why he would have me go.

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This whole book explains every single detail of my relationship with God.

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So will people be like, I want that relationship with God, like I want what she has.

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And I tell you, it's it's already available for you right now.

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And I think that's powerful.

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Because if I'm hearing you correctly, your spiritual relationship began more of almost

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like a parenting relationship with God, versus the Bible, the religious, you know, denominational

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type of relationship.

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Yeah, he calls me so he calls me by name.

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He calls me Phinexita.

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He's the only one who's ever done that.

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My Phinexita, my beloved.

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He calls me his beloved.

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And I'm just like, who are you?

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I was like, well, can I call you father or Abba?

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I didn't know.

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I didn't know of the New Testament where the like father and he's like, yes, I'm your father.

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I'm your Abba.

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And you're my Phinexita.

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And I was like, I'm in love, like, I'm in love.

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I fell in love.

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We fell in love.

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And that's, and that's beautiful, because it's beautiful to hear for a lot of reasons.

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One, you know, especially being a member of the LGBTQ community.

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So many are, you know, I myself included, was because I went to Catholic school.

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And that can be terrifying.

239
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Yes.

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Because it's just, it's just not something that you speak about.

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And I think it leaves, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, it leaves a sizable hole

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in a human being for not only like connection to something outside of themselves, but like

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a big hole for like shame to come in.

244
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Oh, yes.

245
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Yes.

246
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Another reason why he had me write this book is because one of the techniques that I'm

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going to always ask my clients to do is, hey, if you want to talk to God, one of the ways

248
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you can begin to talk to God, if you're, I'm going to say before I even say that, there's

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two type of people that I can only recognize.

250
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One is that they can hear God.

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There's a lot of people on social media saying, I hear the Lord, and I have a prophetic word,

252
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and they go and record it, and they post it.

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And there's others like, oh, how do you hear God?

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I don't hear God.

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Well, those of you who don't, my suggestion is do this.

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Get a pen, not type, get a pen and a piece of paper, and start with Dear God, I want

257
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to ask a question.

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Whatever that question is, write it out, and then say it, and then close your eyes, put

259
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your hand on your heart and say, Lord, I'm ready to hear you.

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And then whatever you hear, even though it might sound like your voice, I promise you,

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it is not, write it down.

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Write it down.

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And that's going to be your beginning relationship and conversations with God.

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Absolutely.

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The second thing I wanted to say is he asked me to write this book because he says his

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children, when me and him talk about gay people, he's like, my children, and we were talking

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about gay people specifically.

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He's like, my children have been hurt with religion, but next, I'm sending you to go

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fix this for me.

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And I'm like, okay, so we need to clarify what scripture is, Lord.

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And I was like, you have to teach me, and he's like, I'm going to teach you everything.

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I put in all the scriptures that have harmed us, but then he tells me, I want you to clarify

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with this, which it still does align with the Greek and Hebrew words.

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So he taught me a lot of this to heal that aspect that should have never been in there

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in the first place.

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So for all of your gay listeners, pick up this book.

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It's meant for you.

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It's meant for the veteran.

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It's meant for the divorced person.

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It's meant for the drug addict, the shame.

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Those who are straight and gay who have experienced church hurt, this book is meant for all walks

282
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of life, but of course, it's also meant for the LGBTQ community as well.

283
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It is.

284
00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:57,460
Yeah.

285
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Church hurt is, I like that term, is very real for a lot of people, you know?

286
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All walks of life.

287
00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:05,780
Yeah.

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It's very real for, you know, the addict, for, you know, for so many homeless, for so

289
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many that are, you know, feel they don't, they aren't welcomed back into, they aren't

290
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welcome near God.

291
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Like God isn't available to them.

292
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Right.

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That God isn't for them.

294
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That they're not, they're not like special enough or loved enough to be in the presence

295
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of God.

296
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Oh, everybody has the opportunity to come to God.

297
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Many are called.

298
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Few are chosen.

299
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The question is, are you willing to choose yourself, choose yourself to go to God, choose

300
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yourself for, if you never want to read the Bible, I'm going to say this, and some people

301
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:46,900
might disagree with me.

302
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,520
Oh, that shame on, shame on Finnex.

303
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You don't have to, you don't have to, but what I would ask you to do is forgive everybody.

304
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If you need to hire someone like me or seek a therapist, cause I am a spiritual coach

305
00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:08,800
and I want to bring, I want to heal every aspect of that church hurt for people.

306
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Go through these programs with me and what we're going to do is we're going to reveal

307
00:18:13,239 --> 00:18:20,719
everything that has not been truth that has been misrepresented or misunderstood or told

308
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in a manner that created a sacred weapon, which they use the Bible as a sacred weapon.

309
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When God's like, this is not meant to be that, it's meant to be love.

310
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And that's what I want to help people understand.

311
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Just to give them that, that healing and that broad perspective of saying, Oh, God's for

312
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everyone.

313
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God is for everybody.

314
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:42,640
Yeah.

315
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,640
Yeah.

316
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:50,479
And that's important because, and whatever religion that you specifically belong to,

317
00:18:50,479 --> 00:18:56,959
that's a personal choice, but sometimes it can be very scary for first or some people

318
00:18:56,959 --> 00:19:05,400
to, to walk into a church and to be either a member of the LGBTQ community or, or for

319
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whatever reason, homeless, abused, whatever.

320
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:17,719
And it's important to know that you can find the God outside of an actual building.

321
00:19:17,719 --> 00:19:19,359
Yes.

322
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:25,839
So one of the things that, in one of my chapters, I think it's in, show me about the cross.

323
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One of these chapters, I talk about God in the cabin.

324
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I had a, I, you know, God blew out my candles.

325
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He did all this.

326
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,239
He showed himself in a very specific, it was my burning bush moment.

327
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That's what I call.

328
00:19:37,239 --> 00:19:41,359
And he said three things, three things to me, rebuild my church, leave a legacy for

329
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me in your name.

330
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,640
And then of course, he promised me a new wife.

331
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:51,280
I've been divorced six years and, and I was married for 15 and, and it's in my story either

332
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,839
which way he's like, Hey, I have a wife for you.

333
00:19:54,839 --> 00:19:56,880
Rebuild my church, leave a legacy for me in your name.

334
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,479
And I was like, what does that mean?

335
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Like, do I have to go buy a church?

336
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,119
And he's like, no, you are the church.

337
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,680
He goes, nobody needs to go into a physical building.

338
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,280
He goes, go within.

339
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:10,439
I am within you and I'm all around you.

340
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He's like, go with infinite.

341
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:18,959
He goes, remind people, imagine that when the time of the disciples, what they would

342
00:20:18,959 --> 00:20:23,880
do, they would go into each other's little homes, lights, and of course candles, light

343
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:24,920
your candles.

344
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,719
And they would talk about God.

345
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They would communicate.

346
00:20:29,199 --> 00:20:34,040
They would, they would have conversations and they would, they would say, Hey, look,

347
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,040
you know what?

348
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,719
These are, this is how to live a righteous life.

349
00:20:36,719 --> 00:20:37,920
This is how to live a good life.

350
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This is how we need to forgive.

351
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,119
This is how we need to love.

352
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:45,560
And so they would teach each other all of the teachings of Jesus, which was of love

353
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,839
and repentance and forgiveness and, and, and being a wanting to be a better person and

354
00:20:50,839 --> 00:20:53,000
learning how not to react.

355
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:57,239
That's what God calls church, non-physical building.

356
00:20:57,239 --> 00:21:00,760
So anyone who's listening, who's like, I'm afraid to go to church.

357
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,760
Great.

358
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,760
I don't go to church either.

359
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:03,760
Guys.

360
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:04,760
I am the church.

361
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:05,760
I am a church.

362
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,839
So when I have like my communion, I'm getting ready to start creating what I call the Phoenix

363
00:21:09,839 --> 00:21:18,239
way workshops for groups of people, man, I'm going to invite others who are spiritual scholars

364
00:21:18,239 --> 00:21:21,040
to come and help educate us on like scripture.

365
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,040
Cause am I the best?

366
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040
No, no.

367
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,040
I'm just a witness.

368
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,680
I'm just a testimony and a witness for God.

369
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,199
I'm not that proficient person in the Bible.

370
00:21:29,199 --> 00:21:30,560
I won't lie about that.

371
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,959
I it's just more personal.

372
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:38,599
It's a personal relationship with my father that I need a dad and he's my dad.

373
00:21:38,599 --> 00:21:39,839
He's my papa.

374
00:21:39,839 --> 00:21:40,839
So yeah.

375
00:21:40,839 --> 00:21:41,839
No, that's beautiful.

376
00:21:42,839 --> 00:21:45,959
That's beautiful that you could find that.

377
00:21:45,959 --> 00:21:53,760
And I'm curious, what was, what was the breaking point for you?

378
00:21:53,760 --> 00:22:00,160
I don't want to say as far as like when you're in your addiction, you were homeless, you're,

379
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:05,439
was there just a moment of just exhaustion or was there just like, was there like a spiritual

380
00:22:05,439 --> 00:22:07,880
awakening that happened?

381
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:08,880
Right.

382
00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:14,119
The spiritual awakening didn't happen years until 2017, but all of my conversations with

383
00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:18,079
God started to form, but I was still an addict.

384
00:22:18,079 --> 00:22:21,400
I was still a drunk because I was still going through a lot of things.

385
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:26,000
So God had to stay with me through the whole, through my whole journey of healing.

386
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,400
But it wasn't until I turned 30 years old, it was my final time that I was arrested.

387
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,959
It was the last time that I was arrested.

388
00:22:32,959 --> 00:22:37,959
I was, I woke up at 7am pouring my whiskey, getting drunk.

389
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:44,079
I'm going to say a couple hours later, I was blacked out, completely blacked out, enraged,

390
00:22:44,079 --> 00:22:50,359
suffering from psychosis, paranoia, hypervigilance, anger, rage, emotional outbursts.

391
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,640
And I had destroyed literally everything in my home, nothing.

392
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,040
There was nothing that was standing.

393
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:03,439
And of course, my then wife, who I was married to for 15 years, came home and apparently

394
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:08,479
in my blackout, she was trying to get my attention and I turned around, you know, I'm blacked

395
00:23:08,479 --> 00:23:10,280
out and I had hurt her.

396
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,439
Well, I finally had to scream my way out to finally wake up.

397
00:23:14,439 --> 00:23:19,520
And I was like, what happened?

398
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:23,400
And then I see her on the floor and I was like, oh my God, what happened?

399
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:24,400
And I help her up.

400
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,400
And she's like, you attacked me.

401
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,400
I was like, what?

402
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:27,400
Where are you?

403
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:28,400
Where were you?

404
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,400
And she's like, the cops are on their way.

405
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,800
So I ran downstairs and I opened the door and I put my hands behind my back and I put

406
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,079
myself on my knees and I said, I need to be arrested right now.

407
00:23:38,079 --> 00:23:43,760
And it was in the jail cell where this African-American correctional officer, you know, apparently

408
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,680
my ex-wife had called the jail cell.

409
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,719
And so she walks up to me and she's like, I just got off the phone with your partner.

410
00:23:51,719 --> 00:23:56,599
She's like, she's told me everything that has happened to you since you've been a child.

411
00:23:56,599 --> 00:24:00,439
And she goes, don't you think it's time to heal?

412
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:01,680
Don't you think you deserve it?

413
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:05,079
She's like, I want you to leave here tomorrow and go to inpatient.

414
00:24:05,079 --> 00:24:08,719
And I was like, I can, I can heal.

415
00:24:08,719 --> 00:24:11,719
Like I can, my life can be different.

416
00:24:11,719 --> 00:24:12,719
And she's like, yeah.

417
00:24:12,719 --> 00:24:13,719
And she goes, follow me.

418
00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:15,040
I had vomited all over myself.

419
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,040
I was bad drunk.

420
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,479
And she was helping me wipe myself off.

421
00:24:17,479 --> 00:24:22,359
And she opened up a jail cell just for me, gave me a pillow and a blanket, which she

422
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,359
didn't have to.

423
00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,280
She could have just left me in cuffs, but she was so kind.

424
00:24:26,959 --> 00:24:30,359
She was like, get some rest and I'll see you in the morning.

425
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:32,599
And in the morning, she's like, where are you going?

426
00:24:32,599 --> 00:24:34,479
I'm going to detox.

427
00:24:34,479 --> 00:24:35,479
And I did.

428
00:24:35,479 --> 00:24:37,479
I went home, cleaned up everything.

429
00:24:37,479 --> 00:24:41,439
I needed to spend a couple hours cleaning that place up because I had destroyed it.

430
00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:45,479
And I submitted myself into a 90 day inpatient treatment program.

431
00:24:45,479 --> 00:24:48,719
And that's where my healing started to begin.

432
00:24:48,719 --> 00:24:54,239
That was in 2010 when I had turned 30 years old.

433
00:24:54,239 --> 00:24:55,839
And that's powerful.

434
00:24:55,839 --> 00:25:05,400
That's powerful because I think sometimes when people see the behaviors like you were

435
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:11,199
exhibiting like addiction and the outbursts and the dysregulation, they see the behaviors.

436
00:25:11,199 --> 00:25:16,400
They don't necessarily understand that that came from some sort of trauma or wound or

437
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:17,400
abuse.

438
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,800
They just see you're an addict, you're this, you're that.

439
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:24,119
They don't understand there's a symptom of something deeper.

440
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:29,880
And so what was it like in that moment when that correctional officer kind of reached

441
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:34,040
a hand out to you and said, there's something more for you?

442
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,319
She planted a seed of hope.

443
00:25:36,319 --> 00:25:42,160
That was the first person, even though I had a significant other, she allowed me to drink.

444
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:43,680
So we were both drinking.

445
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:51,359
So it was already a toxic relationship, but it was this woman in a uniform who was a correctional

446
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:56,719
officer, a form of a police officer, but for the jails telling me, no, I need you to

447
00:25:56,719 --> 00:25:58,160
go heal.

448
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,599
Don't you think you deserve it?

449
00:25:59,599 --> 00:26:01,680
I want you to live a different life.

450
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,160
And now I'm about to plant the seed of hope.

451
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,319
So when you leave here, what are you going to do for next?

452
00:26:05,319 --> 00:26:08,719
I'm going to go to the VA as a veteran.

453
00:26:08,719 --> 00:26:11,000
I'm going to go and admit myself.

454
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:16,800
And so what I did when I drove to the VA after I cleaned up the disastrous mess is I walk

455
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:20,160
up to the counter and I said, look, one of two things are going to happen right now.

456
00:26:20,199 --> 00:26:23,760
I was like, number one, you're going to admit me into your inpatient treatment program.

457
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,119
But if you say you don't have a bed, I said, what I'm going to do is I'm going to run out

458
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:30,719
of this building, run down the street and run onto the freeway because the freeway is

459
00:26:30,719 --> 00:26:35,040
right there. I said, I'm going to allow one of those cars to hit me because I'm tired of

460
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,479
living. I'm tired.

461
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,400
And they didn't have a bed.

462
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:41,040
They're like, we have a bed for you, Miss Shepherd.

463
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:41,880
We have a bed for you.

464
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:45,079
Knowing he was lying to me, he's like, but he was trained to do this.

465
00:26:45,079 --> 00:26:47,079
Like, stay right here.

466
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:49,040
And not only did he say, stay right here.

467
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:54,599
He called the police, which was downstairs on the first floor of the VA police to monitor

468
00:26:54,599 --> 00:26:59,280
me to make sure I did not leave because they knew right then and there they were

469
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,520
responsible for my well-being and my life.

470
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,599
So they had to call the police to monitor me.

471
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:08,400
And then they had to find a bed outside in the city somewhere where they were like, we're

472
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,119
willing to pay for this veteran who needs our support and our biggest help right now.

473
00:27:12,319 --> 00:27:13,560
And God bless the VA.

474
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:14,719
God bless the VA.

475
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:16,079
Thank you. Thank you.

476
00:27:16,199 --> 00:27:20,839
All of them. I'm so grateful for them because it changed my life.

477
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,119
Well, I'm happy that they.

478
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,400
It sounds like they made a space for you.

479
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:31,439
They made a space for me, and I'm happy that they did that because it's so often you

480
00:27:31,439 --> 00:27:37,400
hear overcrowding, you know, just go somewhere else when there often isn't somewhere

481
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:40,760
else to go and you're too exhausted mentally.

482
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,520
You probably took everything you had to get there.

483
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:48,479
Yeah, I think sometimes people forget that when you're in that mode, when you're like

484
00:27:48,479 --> 00:27:52,719
at your lowest, it's not easy to put these pieces together and where to go.

485
00:27:54,079 --> 00:27:58,119
You know, and that's I mean, I think that's a huge step that you went there and you're

486
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,680
like, listen, we got two options.

487
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:02,680
You know, like that's it.

488
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,560
This is where I'm at.

489
00:28:03,959 --> 00:28:05,719
This is where I'm at. And I was alive.

490
00:28:06,319 --> 00:28:09,800
I was like, if they don't have a bed for me, I'm not going home.

491
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,199
I knew that I would have ended my life.

492
00:28:13,079 --> 00:28:20,000
And that's and they probably sensed the crisis in you and the desperation of we have

493
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,439
to help this person because they're kind of out there.

494
00:28:22,479 --> 00:28:24,839
They're not kind of they are at the end of their rope.

495
00:28:24,959 --> 00:28:25,959
Yes. Yeah.

496
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:32,119
And what was the journey to to sobriety like for you once you got into that facility,

497
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,000
once you started to get detoxed?

498
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:40,119
Oh, I remember I would run in the middle because I couldn't sleep.

499
00:28:40,439 --> 00:28:42,680
I couldn't sleep because I was detoxing.

500
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,680
So I would run around the building inside.

501
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:49,319
They wouldn't let me out. I wonder why.

502
00:28:51,839 --> 00:28:53,000
No, you ain't going anywhere.

503
00:28:54,839 --> 00:29:00,319
No, I'm in the building and while I'm running, I'm I'm wailing.

504
00:29:00,319 --> 00:29:04,000
Oh, my God, I would keep running.

505
00:29:04,719 --> 00:29:08,640
So I remember like it was so it was such a detox.

506
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:09,959
It was such a detox.

507
00:29:10,319 --> 00:29:15,319
And then I would I'd spent the next 60 days and they called us the veteran village of

508
00:29:15,319 --> 00:29:17,520
San Diego when I was living in San Diego, California.

509
00:29:17,959 --> 00:29:25,000
That's where I'm from. And so they would you know, it was more of a military style

510
00:29:25,119 --> 00:29:32,599
rehab. However, once I got out of those 60 days, I would be a liar to say that I didn't

511
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:36,560
for a little bit pick up drinking or it was still minimal.

512
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:42,479
I had went from being a raging drunk to just saying, OK, I still want to have a beer here

513
00:29:42,479 --> 00:29:44,400
or there or two or something like that.

514
00:29:44,719 --> 00:29:49,760
And of course, you know, did it did I end up eventually quitting completely cold turkey?

515
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:50,959
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

516
00:29:50,959 --> 00:29:56,640
I am starting to ask God like, hey, I know that I can enjoy a little scotch or a little

517
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:01,880
beer, but God, I know you have a bigger plan for me and I can't do it.

518
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,760
I can't do this by myself.

519
00:30:04,079 --> 00:30:05,119
Will you help me?

520
00:30:05,119 --> 00:30:07,760
And so I said, God, I give this to you.

521
00:30:08,119 --> 00:30:11,439
And then I said, if you just take the craving away, I'll never pick up.

522
00:30:11,599 --> 00:30:16,839
So it took a couple of years even after for me to officially really stop drinking.

523
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:22,880
And when I had made that prayer, well, the next morning there was no more craving and I

524
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,119
never picked up again.

525
00:30:24,119 --> 00:30:26,839
And that's going to say I think it's been nine years.

526
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:32,800
So granted, even though this was in 2010, there were I could drink a beer and put it

527
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,439
away. I could drink a beer and not pick up another.

528
00:30:35,439 --> 00:30:39,560
But I kept understanding God was like, I need you completely sober.

529
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:40,959
I need you completely sober.

530
00:30:41,359 --> 00:30:42,800
And I finally was like, well, then.

531
00:30:44,119 --> 00:30:49,400
I'm going through a divorce, God, and I'm going to need your help, like if you take

532
00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:50,760
this from me, I'll give this to you.

533
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:52,880
Boom. And it was like done and done.

534
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,439
We made a negotiation and he had for me.

535
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,800
And that's and that's a lot going on at once.

536
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:05,560
That's not like what I say, it's over through it, I stay through it and that's powerful

537
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:08,479
because I think it's important because you highlighted something that I think is

538
00:31:08,479 --> 00:31:09,439
important is that.

539
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:16,439
You didn't fail because you didn't stay sober the second out of that facility, like

540
00:31:16,719 --> 00:31:21,479
because you I don't I don't love the term relapse, but for lack of a better word, you

541
00:31:21,479 --> 00:31:27,599
know. Relapse doesn't mean that you failed, it just means that you're learning, you

542
00:31:27,599 --> 00:31:31,920
know, it's like you don't lose your sobriety, you don't lose what you learned, you

543
00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:35,160
know, based on if you go to A or not, like your date changes.

544
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,880
You know what I mean? Like you don't you don't lose everything that you gained by

545
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:40,119
that. That's flip up.

546
00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:45,920
Right. What I kept doing, though, and I want to tell you what saved me while I was

547
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:52,280
still, you know, drinking a little bit here and there is I submerged myself in every

548
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:56,319
every three days I was going to therapy, learning cognitive behavioral therapy,

549
00:31:56,319 --> 00:32:00,000
learning dialectical behavior, learning EMDR.

550
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,839
I move it, desensitization and reprocessing, having transcranial magnetic

551
00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:09,719
stimulation. So all of these things, all of these healing modalities were still

552
00:32:09,719 --> 00:32:10,760
entering my life.

553
00:32:10,959 --> 00:32:12,439
And I was eager to learn.

554
00:32:12,439 --> 00:32:17,400
I was like, wait, I can change my thoughts like this, this bad thought to a positive

555
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:18,680
thought I'm in.

556
00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:25,760
Oh, I can learn how to control my emotions and talk to my then wife really good, or I

557
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,000
can talk to friends better or I can just never learn to react.

558
00:32:29,359 --> 00:32:31,839
Teach me that. Like I was the yes woman.

559
00:32:31,839 --> 00:32:35,640
Like they're like, hey, for next, do you want to go to this military sexual trauma

560
00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:36,640
group? Yes, I'll go.

561
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:40,599
Hey, next, do you want to do another round of cognitive behavioral therapy?

562
00:32:40,599 --> 00:32:46,239
I'll take it. Hey, for next, we have this this little spiritual group down at the

563
00:32:46,239 --> 00:32:48,400
little chaplain center to learn meditation.

564
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,239
Do you want to do that?

565
00:32:49,599 --> 00:32:58,560
Yes. And I was I stopped working and I submitted myself, committed my life to

566
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:00,520
finding every way to heal.

567
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:01,439
So that's what I'm saying.

568
00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:05,520
So why? So I would drink a beer and be like, all right, no, I got to go to CBT.

569
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,119
Like I'm done with alcohol.

570
00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:09,439
It was I was so focused on this.

571
00:33:09,439 --> 00:33:15,359
But because I had a wife then who still enjoyed beer and who still enjoyed a little

572
00:33:15,359 --> 00:33:18,680
scotch. And fortunately, that did have that effect.

573
00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:24,239
So once I really started to hone in on my spirituality with with I'm going to say

574
00:33:24,239 --> 00:33:27,760
Christ for me, Christ for me, that's what he was like.

575
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,560
Hey, for next, I'm going to show you something.

576
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,119
And I was like, OK, God, what are you going to show me?

577
00:33:33,119 --> 00:33:37,119
And he's like, your wife has been having an affair.

578
00:33:37,119 --> 00:33:40,400
And boom, he played the whole movie of a two year affair.

579
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:47,079
And I was like. Oh, God, he goes, you're about to go through a divorce, but I want

580
00:33:47,079 --> 00:33:48,160
you sober through this.

581
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,199
And I was like, yeah, I'm not.

582
00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:56,000
Yeah. And so that's when I made that prayer in between that time.

583
00:33:56,000 --> 00:34:00,479
And I went through a divorce completely sober, knowing cognitive behavioral therapy,

584
00:34:00,479 --> 00:34:03,400
dialectical behavioral therapy, EMDR.

585
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:05,119
So I even have my own machine.

586
00:34:05,479 --> 00:34:15,360
Do I? Yeah, if I have clients here in person, I will use my eye movement, desensitization

587
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:18,239
and processing machine on myself.

588
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:20,199
It also helps to erase traumatic memories.

589
00:34:20,199 --> 00:34:22,600
I also use that in addition to other things.

590
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:28,000
But, you know, so I was using my own machine or myself healing myself while I knew that

591
00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:32,479
I was getting ready to go through a really painful divorce and go through the lies and

592
00:34:32,479 --> 00:34:34,879
go through whatever she had to go through.

593
00:34:34,879 --> 00:34:40,040
I was going to endure with patience and grace and forgiveness and say, you know what?

594
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,520
I know you're doing this.

595
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:42,360
God showed me.

596
00:34:43,439 --> 00:34:44,439
Peace be with you, ma'am.

597
00:34:44,439 --> 00:34:48,159
Like we no longer can have a marriage like we're going through it.

598
00:34:48,919 --> 00:34:51,159
And I did it sober.

599
00:34:51,159 --> 00:35:00,239
And man, the blessings that I received from that was a peace that never ceases, a joy

600
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:01,560
that overflows.

601
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:05,159
Imagine a river that doesn't stop.

602
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:10,919
That is what God had instilled in me while I was going through this divorce, using my

603
00:35:10,919 --> 00:35:13,199
skills, using everything I learned.

604
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,800
And he was like, I got you.

605
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:16,840
I got you, my girl.

606
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:17,959
I got you, my beloved.

607
00:35:17,959 --> 00:35:20,239
I got you, my fantasy that he's like, just stay with me.

608
00:35:20,399 --> 00:35:21,360
I know you're hurting.

609
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:23,239
And I would be like, God, I'm crying through this.

610
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,800
And he's like, and I'm going to hold you through this.

611
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:26,879
And he did.

612
00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:28,560
Oh, God, did he?

613
00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:31,040
And then he had me leave San Diego.

614
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:35,679
And I've been, you know, eight years traveling the world.

615
00:35:36,479 --> 00:35:38,760
Sorry, the United States must be more realistic.

616
00:35:40,879 --> 00:35:46,479
Traveling, experiencing new opportunities, making new friendships, still being single

617
00:35:46,479 --> 00:35:48,280
because I wanted to stay single.

618
00:35:48,879 --> 00:35:50,479
But now I'm like, you know what?

619
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:55,120
God, eight years ago, had promised me a wife and I wasn't ready for her.

620
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:57,199
I had to heal from a 15 year marriage.

621
00:35:57,439 --> 00:36:00,360
And now I'm like, Lord, I'm ready.

622
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:02,719
He's like, oh, then this year you're going to meet her.

623
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:06,760
And I was like, I'm a cutie.

624
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:07,679
I'm a cutie.

625
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:13,159
I'm a cutie because of the way I can have all of these great, you know, great love.

626
00:36:13,159 --> 00:36:14,479
I have so much love to give.

627
00:36:14,479 --> 00:36:17,399
I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.

628
00:36:17,399 --> 00:36:19,239
I'm ready for next time.

629
00:36:19,439 --> 00:36:20,320
So, you know what?

630
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:25,479
I think through my work or through my speaking opportunities, through traveling,

631
00:36:25,679 --> 00:36:31,280
promoting loved unconditional, dude, I'm like, yeah, she's going to meet me.

632
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,679
We're going to find each other.

633
00:36:32,679 --> 00:36:34,120
I'm not even tripping.

634
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:38,600
Like, I'm like, baby, you got to have to find me because I'm busy serving the Lord right now.

635
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:40,040
But come find me, girl.

636
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:50,719
Let me just add going through a divorce sober is not as easy as it may sound, even if it is the right thing to do.

637
00:36:51,479 --> 00:37:00,800
Even if it is your calling, it does not make it easy in any way because that's a lot of entanglement there.

638
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:01,919
That's a lot of history.

639
00:37:01,919 --> 00:37:02,719
That's a lot of love.

640
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:04,239
That's a lot of pain.

641
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:06,199
That's a lot of grief, you know.

642
00:37:06,199 --> 00:37:14,760
So, that's huge that you were able to go through that chapter in your life sober.

643
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:19,919
That's remarkable because that can trip a lot of people up.

644
00:37:19,919 --> 00:37:23,520
They can be sober for years and they can get a divorce and that's it.

645
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:24,520
That's it.

646
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:25,520
Yeah, no.

647
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:31,080
The reason why I believe I stuck through it, not only had God already, it's in my book,

648
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,159
he himself blessed me with the Holy Spirit.

649
00:37:33,159 --> 00:37:41,600
Not only did he have done that right before, right before he was, so apparently the affair was already happening

650
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,600
and he had blessed me himself like he blew his spirit in it.

651
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:45,360
You got to read the book.

652
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:46,239
It's such a good story.

653
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:47,719
I'm going to.

654
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:49,000
Oh, get a girlfriend.

655
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:54,080
So, I knew that I already had his strength.

656
00:37:54,080 --> 00:38:01,360
Like, there's something when people get filled with the spirit of God, it is a power,

657
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:06,159
like an internal power that you know, you have such strength and endurance.

658
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,560
That's when he's like, I will give you my yoke.

659
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,280
I will give you my strength.

660
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:17,360
I will give you my spirit and I'm like, I understand why he's saying that.

661
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,959
Like, you're going to be stronger because I'm in you.

662
00:38:19,959 --> 00:38:26,320
And I'm like, yeah, and that's how I was able to stay sober and calm, calm through the lies,

663
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:30,120
calm through the pain that I had to go through and say, you know what?

664
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:31,000
Peace be with you.

665
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:35,360
I know we were together for 15 years and that was a long time.

666
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:36,719
I forgive you.

667
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:38,840
You forgive me.

668
00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,520
And I never want to speak to you again.

669
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:41,719
And peace be with you.

670
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:43,080
Like, go live your life.

671
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:44,199
Go have a good life.

672
00:38:44,199 --> 00:38:45,280
Be married.

673
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:46,320
Go get kids.

674
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:49,800
Do anything you want, but I'm, I'm, I'm checking out.

675
00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:50,800
I'm that way.

676
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:51,800
I'm going that way with you.

677
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,800
I'm going that way.

678
00:38:54,800 --> 00:39:00,000
And that's, and that's a beautiful way to do things because it's not, more often than

679
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:04,320
not, divorces can be cantankerous and just quite ugly all around.

680
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:09,479
The fact that you could do it, let go with love and, you know, gratitude for what you

681
00:39:09,479 --> 00:39:14,560
two did share is, I think that's beautiful and it made it probably easier for you as

682
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,159
well as your, as your now ex-wife.

683
00:39:17,159 --> 00:39:18,159
Yes.

684
00:39:18,159 --> 00:39:26,959
And at what point in your journey after the divorce, did you start to go down this coaching

685
00:39:26,959 --> 00:39:27,959
path?

686
00:39:27,959 --> 00:39:31,760
When did you decide that this is, this is my next step?

687
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:32,760
Yeah.

688
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:41,199
So when, when it was during COVID that God had said, Hey, Finnex, I want you to do something

689
00:39:41,199 --> 00:39:42,199
for me.

690
00:39:42,199 --> 00:39:43,199
And I said, tell me Lord, what do you want?

691
00:39:43,199 --> 00:39:47,120
And he was like, I want you to sell your, I was, I had a pet product company called

692
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:53,120
Marley's Planet and I was selling CBD, dog beers and CBD beverages and all this cool

693
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,120
stuff.

694
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,439
I was a chef for 18 years, so I knew how to produce a lot of food products and I created

695
00:39:57,439 --> 00:39:58,439
it for animals.

696
00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:01,879
And he's like, Hey, he's like, it's COVID, sell your business.

697
00:40:01,879 --> 00:40:02,879
And I was like, okay.

698
00:40:02,879 --> 00:40:03,879
So I sold my business.

699
00:40:03,879 --> 00:40:08,879
Then he's like, Hey Finnex, delete your social media.

700
00:40:08,879 --> 00:40:12,919
And I was like, delete, you know, 15 years, I was, he's like, don't deactivate delete.

701
00:40:13,639 --> 00:40:15,879
And I was like, okay.

702
00:40:15,879 --> 00:40:21,239
So then he's like, now, now that you're completely free, he sent me to Colorado, Denver, Colorado,

703
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,560
Colorado Springs first, and then Denver.

704
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:28,120
And it was in Colorado Springs where I hooked up with the National Alliance of Mental Illness,

705
00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:29,320
NAMI.

706
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:31,959
And I had, I had gone, I was like, Hey, I want to volunteer.

707
00:40:31,959 --> 00:40:34,040
This is before I, you know, I wanted to take some time for myself.

708
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:35,800
I was like, I want to volunteer.

709
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:37,280
And they're like, Oh, what do you do?

710
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:41,459
And I was like, well, I'm a speaker and, you know, kind of a coach and, you know, I was

711
00:40:41,459 --> 00:40:42,459
kind of making it up.

712
00:40:42,459 --> 00:40:43,459
I was like, I'm a kind of a coach.

713
00:40:43,459 --> 00:40:44,459
I don't know.

714
00:40:44,459 --> 00:40:46,620
I just, I have to, I have to help people.

715
00:40:46,620 --> 00:40:49,060
And they're like, Oh, well, we'll train you how to be a speaker for us.

716
00:40:49,060 --> 00:40:51,120
We'll train you how to be a coach for us.

717
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:56,620
So I started coaching small groups who were suffering from mental illness and addiction.

718
00:40:56,620 --> 00:40:58,379
And I started to share my story with them.

719
00:40:58,379 --> 00:41:01,580
And then I started to teach them all the modalities that I was doing.

720
00:41:01,580 --> 00:41:05,300
But then they were like, Hey, Finnex, will you come speak to the police department for

721
00:41:05,300 --> 00:41:06,300
us?

722
00:41:06,300 --> 00:41:07,300
And they're like, tell them your story.

723
00:41:07,300 --> 00:41:10,979
Like all the times you were arrested, all the times they were kind of hard, maybe what

724
00:41:10,979 --> 00:41:12,060
they can do different.

725
00:41:12,659 --> 00:41:16,820
So every three months, I would go and give presentations and speeches to all the police

726
00:41:16,820 --> 00:41:22,939
departments and go and be like, look, when someone is acting this way, maybe there's

727
00:41:22,939 --> 00:41:24,260
a reason behind it.

728
00:41:24,260 --> 00:41:29,219
So instead of just being hard and be like, no, you're going to jail, I'll be like, look,

729
00:41:29,219 --> 00:41:33,139
can we sit down and talk, you know, or maybe here's the NAMI card.

730
00:41:33,139 --> 00:41:34,139
Can you call this?

731
00:41:34,139 --> 00:41:38,979
Can we, can we drive you to the office to NAMI instead of get you arrested?

732
00:41:38,979 --> 00:41:42,419
And then I'd be like, yeah, bring them over here, like bring them over here.

733
00:41:42,419 --> 00:41:45,739
So God was already preparing me for this type of work.

734
00:41:45,739 --> 00:41:49,300
So then when I went to Denver a year later, God was like, hey, it's time to move to Denver.

735
00:41:49,300 --> 00:41:53,060
And I was like, okay, I was like, where am I going to get this job?

736
00:41:53,060 --> 00:42:00,820
And I ended up finding this job, working with the police department as a peer support specialist,

737
00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:04,219
as a clinical first responder with the Denver Police Department.

738
00:42:04,219 --> 00:42:08,300
And for solid years, 10 hour days, I would drive with them.

739
00:42:08,300 --> 00:42:10,459
And we would go in tunnels.

740
00:42:10,459 --> 00:42:12,699
We would go to abandoned buildings.

741
00:42:12,699 --> 00:42:17,139
We would go through the trenches and find homeless people, people that were drugged

742
00:42:17,139 --> 00:42:21,899
up, you know, needles all around, you know, all this filth and poopoo.

743
00:42:21,899 --> 00:42:22,899
And I would come to them.

744
00:42:22,899 --> 00:42:26,979
I'd be like, oh my God, you know, I could see myself in them.

745
00:42:26,979 --> 00:42:29,860
And I was like, they need God.

746
00:42:29,860 --> 00:42:30,860
They need God.

747
00:42:30,860 --> 00:42:34,739
I was like, not only do they need God, they need addiction health help.

748
00:42:34,739 --> 00:42:36,699
You know, I was like, okay.

749
00:42:36,699 --> 00:42:42,179
And so they're like, the next, since we don't want to arrest them, because you're with us,

750
00:42:42,179 --> 00:42:43,179
go and do your job.

751
00:42:43,179 --> 00:42:44,179
And I was like, yes, sir.

752
00:42:44,179 --> 00:42:45,179
Yes, sir.

753
00:42:45,179 --> 00:42:53,219
For two years, I would go and I would help these homeless people who were addicts, who

754
00:42:53,219 --> 00:42:54,219
were suffering.

755
00:42:54,219 --> 00:42:56,780
And to tell you, the stories were the same.

756
00:42:56,780 --> 00:42:58,260
I was shamed as a kid.

757
00:42:58,260 --> 00:42:59,820
I was church hurt.

758
00:42:59,820 --> 00:43:04,659
It was, it was, you know, my parent, I moved out when I was a kid, I was molested as a

759
00:43:04,659 --> 00:43:05,659
child.

760
00:43:05,659 --> 00:43:06,659
I was raped.

761
00:43:06,659 --> 00:43:10,340
And I was like, that's, it's all in this book.

762
00:43:10,340 --> 00:43:11,899
I was all of that.

763
00:43:11,899 --> 00:43:14,100
And all of that happened to me too.

764
00:43:14,100 --> 00:43:15,739
And I was like, can we pray together?

765
00:43:15,739 --> 00:43:16,739
And they're like, yes.

766
00:43:16,739 --> 00:43:17,739
Yes.

767
00:43:17,739 --> 00:43:20,500
And I was like, all right, let's go and pray, guys.

768
00:43:20,500 --> 00:43:21,500
Come on.

769
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:22,500
Let's pray together.

770
00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:23,699
So we pray together.

771
00:43:23,699 --> 00:43:25,379
And then I would say, let me help you.

772
00:43:25,379 --> 00:43:28,739
I'm going to go to them, to the officers, so they don't arrest you.

773
00:43:28,739 --> 00:43:31,820
You just tell them you want to work with me and I will put you in a hotel and I'm going

774
00:43:31,820 --> 00:43:32,820
to get you sober.

775
00:43:32,820 --> 00:43:34,340
And they're like, really?

776
00:43:35,020 --> 00:43:36,020
And I was like, yeah, let's do it right now.

777
00:43:36,020 --> 00:43:37,020
They're like, let me grab my things.

778
00:43:37,020 --> 00:43:40,020
And I was like, grab your things, let's get out of here.

779
00:43:40,020 --> 00:43:44,260
So I would go to the officers and I'd be like, hey, I need to go to a detox center.

780
00:43:44,260 --> 00:43:48,540
I need you to drive me and my now client to a detox center.

781
00:43:48,540 --> 00:43:49,540
Let's get them in the hospital.

782
00:43:49,540 --> 00:43:50,540
Let's get them help.

783
00:43:50,540 --> 00:43:54,340
And then I would go into the city and I'd be like, I need a voucher for two years.

784
00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:55,739
And I would be their coach.

785
00:43:55,739 --> 00:43:58,020
So then I would teach them havening techniques.

786
00:43:58,020 --> 00:44:00,780
I would do the neuro linguistics programming.

787
00:44:00,780 --> 00:44:03,540
And then I would also work with their counselors.

788
00:44:03,540 --> 00:44:04,820
I would work with people.

789
00:44:04,820 --> 00:44:06,979
So I was like, I'm really good at this.

790
00:44:06,979 --> 00:44:10,060
I was like, I think this is what God wants me to do.

791
00:44:10,060 --> 00:44:11,060
Two years into it.

792
00:44:11,060 --> 00:44:12,060
I burnt out.

793
00:44:12,060 --> 00:44:15,379
And then I went back to God and I said, Lord, I love you.

794
00:44:15,379 --> 00:44:16,379
I said, I'm so burnt out.

795
00:44:16,379 --> 00:44:18,139
I was like, I can't keep doing this.

796
00:44:18,139 --> 00:44:20,820
And he's like, OK, he's like, hold on.

797
00:44:20,820 --> 00:44:21,820
I'll have you collect unemployment.

798
00:44:21,820 --> 00:44:24,820
I was like, dude, you're about to get me fired, Papa.

799
00:44:24,820 --> 00:44:32,100
And he's like, just a couple months later, he the city called the grant.

800
00:44:32,100 --> 00:44:35,179
So instead of getting me fired, he pulled the grant.

801
00:44:35,179 --> 00:44:39,659
And then my job was like, hey, you can either a collect unemployment or you can apply for

802
00:44:39,659 --> 00:44:40,659
a different position.

803
00:44:40,659 --> 00:44:45,419
And I said, you know what, I'm going to collect unemployment just like God said.

804
00:44:45,419 --> 00:44:49,739
And then I'm moving to Houston, Texas, and I'm going to start my life here because I

805
00:44:49,739 --> 00:44:50,939
was too tired of the cold.

806
00:44:50,939 --> 00:44:54,500
I mean, nine months of winter, I was like, I can't do this for next.

807
00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:55,500
That's a bit much.

808
00:44:55,500 --> 00:44:57,020
Yeah, it was a bit much.

809
00:44:57,020 --> 00:44:58,020
So here I am.

810
00:44:59,020 --> 00:45:03,699
For the six months while I had collected unemployment, I became a personal trainer because I love

811
00:45:03,699 --> 00:45:04,699
being fit.

812
00:45:04,699 --> 00:45:06,340
I love being fit.

813
00:45:06,340 --> 00:45:09,620
I wrote my book and I said, you know what, I'm all of these things.

814
00:45:09,620 --> 00:45:11,419
I'm a practitioner for evening.

815
00:45:11,419 --> 00:45:14,459
I'm a practitioner for Neolinguistics program.

816
00:45:14,459 --> 00:45:16,820
I'm a state and nationally peer support specialist.

817
00:45:16,820 --> 00:45:19,300
I said, Phynex, go and do your own business.

818
00:45:19,300 --> 00:45:20,739
Go and do this for people.

819
00:45:20,739 --> 00:45:23,860
And so I was like, you know what, this is what God called me to do.

820
00:45:23,860 --> 00:45:24,860
And now it's time.

821
00:45:24,860 --> 00:45:25,860
And now we're here.

822
00:45:25,860 --> 00:45:26,860
And now we're doing it.

823
00:45:27,179 --> 00:45:30,300
And I want to, I want to, there's something else that you do, which I think is pretty

824
00:45:30,300 --> 00:45:31,300
cool.

825
00:45:31,300 --> 00:45:33,659
You're a licensed wedding officiant.

826
00:45:33,659 --> 00:45:34,659
Yes.

827
00:45:34,659 --> 00:45:35,659
Yes.

828
00:45:35,659 --> 00:45:43,219
And I was like, you have something where it says, and I love this, travel anywhere.

829
00:45:43,219 --> 00:45:46,139
No ceremony is too far from home.

830
00:45:46,139 --> 00:45:50,860
And there's, you know, and I was like, that's so, and it's religious, spiritual, secular

831
00:45:50,860 --> 00:45:56,659
or whatever the, could you, could you touch a little bit on, on that?

832
00:45:56,659 --> 00:46:02,659
I believe because I'm also a relationship coach and a spiritual coach.

833
00:46:02,659 --> 00:46:08,419
So I, because I've learned through my past, what not to do in a marriage.

834
00:46:08,419 --> 00:46:14,699
And because I use cognitive skills, dialectical skills, how to never react, teach people methods

835
00:46:14,699 --> 00:46:17,100
on how to communicate and keep love alive.

836
00:46:17,100 --> 00:46:22,540
Because I'm so, I, I, I look in the mirror and every day I say to myself, Phynex, I would

837
00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:25,580
marry a woman like you, like, I love you so much.

838
00:46:25,580 --> 00:46:27,580
I just would want you to have longer hair Phynex.

839
00:46:27,580 --> 00:46:33,379
I'm like, I would want a woman with longer hair, and I was like, I would marry you girl.

840
00:46:33,379 --> 00:46:36,620
And I was like, man, you're going to make, you're going to, you're going to make someone

841
00:46:36,620 --> 00:46:37,939
so happy.

842
00:46:37,939 --> 00:46:43,419
But during my travels, when God had sent me out to travel the US, it's in my book, one

843
00:46:43,419 --> 00:46:46,620
of my friends was like, hey Phynex, are you a wedding officiant?

844
00:46:46,620 --> 00:46:48,100
I was like, I can be.

845
00:46:48,100 --> 00:46:50,739
And they're like, come and marry me while you're traveling the US.

846
00:46:50,739 --> 00:46:52,500
And I was like, where are you at?

847
00:46:52,500 --> 00:46:54,139
She's like, I'm in Tennessee or something.

848
00:46:54,139 --> 00:46:55,699
And I was like, send me your address.

849
00:46:55,699 --> 00:46:57,780
I googled Universal Life Church officiant.

850
00:46:57,780 --> 00:47:02,379
And I was like, hey, I'm Reverend Phynex and I'm going to come marry you.

851
00:47:02,379 --> 00:47:05,419
And I made sure I took a whole white outfit.

852
00:47:05,419 --> 00:47:09,340
My little dog, my Marley, my dog, she's in my book, by the way, she wore her little white

853
00:47:09,340 --> 00:47:11,979
t-shirt that and put her little gold thing on.

854
00:47:11,979 --> 00:47:16,459
I was like, my mom was a single hottie lesbian with her little t-shirt.

855
00:47:16,459 --> 00:47:18,860
And together we married this couple.

856
00:47:18,860 --> 00:47:22,620
And, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.

857
00:47:22,620 --> 00:47:25,899
I know that, you know, a lot of people are like, I don't want to get married.

858
00:47:25,899 --> 00:47:27,899
I'm like, why not?

859
00:47:27,899 --> 00:47:33,340
If you can communicate effectively and, and share each other's love language and know

860
00:47:33,340 --> 00:47:39,979
how to bring a holy union together that is in love, man, I want to be a part of that.

861
00:47:39,979 --> 00:47:43,100
I want to marry you.

862
00:47:43,100 --> 00:47:49,300
I love that because I think it's, I mean, you wear, you wear a lot of hats, you know,

863
00:47:49,300 --> 00:47:55,780
you're an author, a coach, a coach is putting it like, I think mildly, but you do, you coaching

864
00:47:55,780 --> 00:48:02,659
with couples and one-on-one, you've owned your, your, your own business beforehand.

865
00:48:02,659 --> 00:48:10,179
You're a licensed wedding officiant, you're, you do the fitness thing now too, you're like,

866
00:48:10,179 --> 00:48:15,300
you know, and you're all these places doing all these things, helping all these people,

867
00:48:15,300 --> 00:48:21,139
you know, looking back at where this all started when you were 14 years old as a scared

868
00:48:21,139 --> 00:48:28,820
young girl, like running and just angry and just going down a really dangerous path, you

869
00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:35,540
know, what would you, what would you say to the young Fennex if you, you know, what would

870
00:48:35,540 --> 00:48:39,419
you say to her?

871
00:48:39,419 --> 00:48:42,739
You know, I would, the strange thing that you're even asking this, cause no one has

872
00:48:42,739 --> 00:48:45,620
asked me this on any podcast yet.

873
00:48:45,620 --> 00:48:52,699
And I was, I was, I took myself to that little girl and I had, I had said, I wonder what

874
00:48:52,699 --> 00:48:54,580
did, what did little Fennex want to be?

875
00:48:54,580 --> 00:48:57,379
And to tell you the truth, she had no clue.

876
00:48:57,379 --> 00:49:04,459
She, she was so depressed and so filled with, with shame and trauma that she, I don't think

877
00:49:04,459 --> 00:49:05,459
she saw.

878
00:49:05,459 --> 00:49:13,260
I remember saying I wouldn't live past 30 and that was, that was then, but I would tell

879
00:49:13,260 --> 00:49:20,300
her today, Fennexita, just like what God calls me, Fennexita, I love you.

880
00:49:20,300 --> 00:49:23,239
I want you to know something, baby.

881
00:49:23,239 --> 00:49:34,379
You are going to be one of the most honored, well-respected, loved cutie pies ever, happy,

882
00:49:34,379 --> 00:49:43,780
beautiful, fit person at 50 with abs and a J-low ass, like you're going to be amazing.

883
00:49:43,780 --> 00:49:49,060
Like I promise you just endure the pain because you know what?

884
00:49:49,060 --> 00:49:50,780
It's going to teach you.

885
00:49:50,780 --> 00:49:54,580
It's going to teach you and you're going to be able to heal so many people.

886
00:49:54,580 --> 00:49:56,419
It's going to transform you, Fennex.

887
00:49:56,419 --> 00:49:57,419
You're the Spanish Phoenix.

888
00:49:57,419 --> 00:50:01,979
That's what Fennex means, the Spanish Phoenix, and to tell you, God gave me that name.

889
00:50:01,979 --> 00:50:07,100
So you're going to be this beautiful Spanish Phoenix transforming the lives of others.

890
00:50:07,100 --> 00:50:08,699
So you know what?

891
00:50:08,699 --> 00:50:13,179
Go through what you're about to go through because if you don't do this, Fennexita, you're

892
00:50:13,179 --> 00:50:17,219
not going to be able to be the Fennex you are today.

893
00:50:17,219 --> 00:50:19,459
So it's okay because you're going to survive.

894
00:50:19,459 --> 00:50:24,939
You're not only going to survive, you're going to thrive with joy that never ceases, a peace

895
00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:28,419
that is, that is indescribable.

896
00:50:28,419 --> 00:50:31,219
Like I wake up happy and I go to bed happy.

897
00:50:31,459 --> 00:50:33,179
I don't have angry days.

898
00:50:33,179 --> 00:50:35,379
Like I'm just like this chill.

899
00:50:35,379 --> 00:50:39,580
People all day long, they're like, you're high energy and I'm like, no, man, I'm just

900
00:50:39,580 --> 00:50:40,580
happy, yo.

901
00:50:40,580 --> 00:50:45,340
Like I just, and then I exude that off to them and that's when I get that love back

902
00:50:45,340 --> 00:50:46,340
in return.

903
00:50:46,340 --> 00:50:48,060
They're like, no, you're cool as shit, girl.

904
00:50:48,060 --> 00:50:49,060
You're cool as shit.

905
00:50:49,060 --> 00:50:52,060
And I'm like, you're cool as shit.

906
00:50:52,060 --> 00:50:56,939
Well, I think part of it, the feeling that I'm getting from you is that, you know, you've

907
00:50:56,939 --> 00:51:03,459
been through your share of hardship and trauma and addiction and abuse and shame and guilt

908
00:51:03,459 --> 00:51:08,459
and just a whole bunch of heavy, heavy things.

909
00:51:08,459 --> 00:51:13,699
And so I feel like when I speak to you, there's a huge sense of gratitude, A, that you're

910
00:51:13,699 --> 00:51:22,620
still here and B, that all that you went through is being put into a bigger purpose.

911
00:51:22,620 --> 00:51:26,739
And that's, that's the feeling that I get from you and like, and who, of course, you're

912
00:51:26,739 --> 00:51:27,739
going to have bad days.

913
00:51:27,739 --> 00:51:33,500
You're still a human being, you know, but in comparison to where your life was, you

914
00:51:33,500 --> 00:51:39,179
know, it's probably, you know, levels better than it was.

915
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:42,659
I can't even imagine a couple of decades ago, like what it was.

916
00:51:42,659 --> 00:51:43,659
Oh yeah.

917
00:51:43,659 --> 00:51:45,139
From down here to up here.

918
00:51:45,139 --> 00:51:46,219
And you're right.

919
00:51:46,219 --> 00:51:48,620
Are there days where sometimes I cry?

920
00:51:48,620 --> 00:51:49,719
Of course.

921
00:51:49,719 --> 00:51:53,760
Are there days where I'm sometimes like, oh man, I could have done better.

922
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:54,760
Of course.

923
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:59,360
And then, you know what I say to myself, Finex, give yourself grace.

924
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:00,760
What can you learn from this?

925
00:52:00,760 --> 00:52:05,719
Because I always take accountability for my actions, my behaviors, my thoughts.

926
00:52:05,719 --> 00:52:06,919
I take accountability.

927
00:52:06,919 --> 00:52:11,639
I'm very responsible with myself and I'm like, what can you learn from this?

928
00:52:11,639 --> 00:52:14,639
Or what was the lesson that needed to be taught?

929
00:52:14,639 --> 00:52:16,439
So you do not repeat this.

930
00:52:16,439 --> 00:52:20,719
And so I would, I would analyze it or write it down and, or then I would take it to God

931
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:25,600
and be like, Abba, help me understand what was the lesson in this.

932
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:26,600
And then he'll tell me.

933
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:28,800
And I was like, ah, got it.

934
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:29,800
Okay.

935
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:30,800
Won't happen again, Lord.

936
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:35,439
And so before it ever happens, I'm like, oh, I remember not to do that.

937
00:52:35,439 --> 00:52:36,439
Don't do that.

938
00:52:36,439 --> 00:52:37,679
Let's do this instead.

939
00:52:37,679 --> 00:52:44,120
And it will always make my day be better because I'm just, I'm constantly evolving and learning.

940
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:46,239
I will never say that, hey, I'm done learning.

941
00:52:47,040 --> 00:52:48,040
I've learned everything.

942
00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:49,040
No, no.

943
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:55,040
I'm always going to grow and learn and give myself grace and mercy and constant love and

944
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:57,280
say, hey, you can do better.

945
00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:58,280
You can be better.

946
00:52:58,280 --> 00:53:02,840
And, and there are times where I'm just like, Marley, my dog, let's go take a walk.

947
00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:04,280
And I cry it out.

948
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:05,919
And my dog is like, are you okay, mom?

949
00:53:05,919 --> 00:53:06,919
I'm like, I'm okay, baby.

950
00:53:06,919 --> 00:53:07,919
It's cleansing me.

951
00:53:07,919 --> 00:53:08,919
It's cleansing me.

952
00:53:08,919 --> 00:53:09,919
Yeah.

953
00:53:09,919 --> 00:53:10,919
Tears are okay.

954
00:53:10,919 --> 00:53:11,919
Tears are okay.

955
00:53:11,919 --> 00:53:12,919
Tears are okay.

956
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,000
Tears are okay.

957
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:15,000
Tears are okay.

958
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:16,000
Tears are okay.

959
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:17,000
And so is my life perfect?

960
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:18,000
No.

961
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,000
But it is amazing.

962
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:20,000
Yes.

963
00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,000
Yes.

964
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:22,000
Yes.

965
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,000
No.

966
00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:24,520
And you've had a, your journey has been, I can't wait to read your book.

967
00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:26,800
I'm very excited to read your book.

968
00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:31,320
I always, I always love, I always call them like good underdog stories because it's like

969
00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:36,280
these triumphal returns from people that really, you know, you wouldn't think would be able

970
00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:40,280
to return from what they, from where they were, you know, addiction, abuse, just these

971
00:53:40,280 --> 00:53:43,919
really hard, hard path.

972
00:53:43,919 --> 00:53:48,360
And to make something beautiful out of it, I think is just, there's something in it for

973
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:52,719
all of us, wherever you fall in the spiritual realm, you know, there's something in it for

974
00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:53,719
all of us.

975
00:53:53,719 --> 00:53:54,719
Yeah.

976
00:53:54,719 --> 00:54:03,719
And if you could leave us with something today, what would you like us to leave us with today?

977
00:54:03,719 --> 00:54:07,239
You are loved.

978
00:54:07,239 --> 00:54:09,080
You are wanted.

979
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:11,399
You are needed.

980
00:54:11,399 --> 00:54:16,840
You are never, if there's any of your audience that is listening to this and you are suffering

981
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:21,159
from something from the past, some form of pain, if you're gay and you think God doesn't

982
00:54:21,159 --> 00:54:25,159
love you, if you're straight and you think God doesn't love you, if you have suffered

983
00:54:25,159 --> 00:54:32,639
from addiction or betrayal or some kind of hurt, it's, it's okay.

984
00:54:32,639 --> 00:54:34,840
And it's okay to not be okay.

985
00:54:34,840 --> 00:54:39,040
But the best thing I would say to you is reach out because you cannot heal alone.

986
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:40,040
I did not heal alone.

987
00:54:40,040 --> 00:54:41,040
I could not.

988
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:46,159
There's no way in the world a single person could heal alone.

989
00:54:46,159 --> 00:54:48,479
If you want to reach out to Phynex, reach out to me.

990
00:54:48,479 --> 00:54:49,479
I got you.

991
00:54:49,479 --> 00:54:53,679
Like, if you're like, I just want to talk and not hire you, I'm going to talk with you

992
00:54:53,679 --> 00:54:58,120
because I'm not going to, I'm not going to let you leave because it reminds me of that

993
00:54:58,120 --> 00:55:02,120
counter person at the counter at the VA who was like, stay right here.

994
00:55:02,399 --> 00:55:07,639
And I'm going to do the same thing, like, no, man, I'm going to walk you through this

995
00:55:07,639 --> 00:55:11,840
and we're going to get through this together and we're going to pray together or I'm just

996
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:14,080
going to be right here helping you.

997
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:17,399
And if you're like, Hey, maybe can you just teach me how to breathe Phynex?

998
00:55:17,399 --> 00:55:18,399
I got you.

999
00:55:18,399 --> 00:55:20,879
Can you just, you know, help me just to calm down for a minute?

1000
00:55:20,879 --> 00:55:21,879
I got you.

1001
00:55:21,879 --> 00:55:24,639
Like I, we're going to do these techniques together.

1002
00:55:24,639 --> 00:55:29,399
We're going to do them with grace and with peace and, and, and I'm not going to let you

1003
00:55:29,399 --> 00:55:32,719
go until you're like, I can go to bed right now.

1004
00:55:32,719 --> 00:55:33,719
And I'm like, yeah.

1005
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:34,719
All right.

1006
00:55:34,719 --> 00:55:36,959
And then will you call me tomorrow?

1007
00:55:36,959 --> 00:55:39,080
And of course I want you to, I want you to call me.

1008
00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:41,840
I want you to follow through with what I'm asking you to do.

1009
00:55:41,840 --> 00:55:44,600
And if that means, can you hit me up now that you've got my number?

1010
00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:45,600
Can you hit me up?

1011
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,600
Yeah.

1012
00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:47,600
I just want to check on you again.

1013
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:48,600
So you're not alone.

1014
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:49,600
Don't be alone.

1015
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:50,600
Don't heal alone.

1016
00:55:50,600 --> 00:55:54,439
Um, and, and, and seek out for help because you're never too far gone and know that you

1017
00:55:54,439 --> 00:55:55,439
can always heal.

1018
00:55:55,439 --> 00:56:01,159
And if you need to reach out to God, either a, write a letter and be like, dear God, are

1019
00:56:01,159 --> 00:56:02,159
you really there?

1020
00:56:02,159 --> 00:56:04,959
And he's going to be like, yes, I'm really here.

1021
00:56:04,959 --> 00:56:07,280
And you're going to write exactly that down.

1022
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:14,719
Or if you can hear a voice in your head and you, and I, I help people with NLP to actually

1023
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:15,719
connect with God.

1024
00:56:15,719 --> 00:56:18,159
So I'm telling you like, God is a real thing.

1025
00:56:18,159 --> 00:56:19,159
It's a real thing.

1026
00:56:19,159 --> 00:56:22,320
And he'll manifest himself physically for you.

1027
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:29,520
Not in a physical form, but he'll manifest himself the way he can for you.

1028
00:56:29,520 --> 00:56:34,320
So you can, can verify and be a witness for him and be like, nah, man, God's real.

1029
00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:38,639
So that, that's what I hope I can leave someone with is that they're loved.

1030
00:56:38,639 --> 00:56:43,000
They're loved unconditionally, unconditionally.

1031
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:48,040
And I don't think there's any more powerful message than, than that, that everyone is

1032
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:49,040
loved unconditionally.

1033
00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:56,080
And if they belong here, that they're worthy, no matter how far gone they believe they are,

1034
00:56:56,080 --> 00:56:57,080
they're not.

1035
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:58,080
Yeah.

1036
00:56:58,080 --> 00:57:02,879
And that there's always a chance, there are always, always, always opportunities for healing.

1037
00:57:02,879 --> 00:57:08,080
You know, just reach out, you can reach out to Phoenix, I always want to call you Phoenix.

1038
00:57:08,080 --> 00:57:09,080
I'm sorry.

1039
00:57:09,080 --> 00:57:10,080
It's okay.

1040
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:15,679
I always want, I just like, I want, it's a, it's Phenix, Phenix.

1041
00:57:15,679 --> 00:57:17,840
And you can always reach out to Phenix.

1042
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:23,280
And if you start, if you want to start to reach out, start by getting her book, her

1043
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:28,439
book, Loved Unconditionally, a spiritual memoir of trauma, addiction, recovery, and finding

1044
00:57:28,439 --> 00:57:29,919
God beyond religion.

1045
00:57:29,919 --> 00:57:36,360
Phenix is also on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, she also has her coaching

1046
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:37,919
website.

1047
00:57:37,919 --> 00:57:42,560
And there you can find her book and you find more about her coaching, get the free consultation

1048
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:47,280
call, you know, and I would urge everybody who's struggling, check out the website, learn

1049
00:57:47,280 --> 00:57:49,699
more about Phenix, learn more about the book.

1050
00:57:49,699 --> 00:57:55,399
You know, it's one book can change a lot of things for anybody, you know.

1051
00:57:55,399 --> 00:57:58,239
Can I say one last thing before we end this?

1052
00:57:58,239 --> 00:58:01,159
So I, you know, my book just launched two days ago.

1053
00:58:01,159 --> 00:58:02,159
Today is June 8th.

1054
00:58:02,159 --> 00:58:03,159
It launched June 4th.

1055
00:58:03,159 --> 00:58:06,040
I'll say four days ago as of today, four days ago.

1056
00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:11,100
On my PhenixShepherd.com website, if you click on the resources tab, you can actually download

1057
00:58:11,100 --> 00:58:15,679
a free resource book to go along with this book.

1058
00:58:15,679 --> 00:58:18,639
There's a lot of reflections in here and I read it.

1059
00:58:18,639 --> 00:58:22,679
I read this as an outsider because I bought my own book and I wanted to read it as an

1060
00:58:22,679 --> 00:58:23,679
outsider.

1061
00:58:23,679 --> 00:58:29,320
I tell you what, it was such a page turner, but not only that, it helped heal me again.

1062
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:34,679
And something that still wasn't healed, I read through my book as an outsider and I,

1063
00:58:34,679 --> 00:58:37,840
you can do nothing but fall in love with this author.

1064
00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:40,120
Like you can't not fall in love with her.

1065
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:45,919
And I asked myself, does it have, with the scripture, two legs to stand on?

1066
00:58:45,919 --> 00:58:49,719
It has two solid legs to stand on.

1067
00:58:49,719 --> 00:58:53,760
And I was like, man, it was, I wrote it, so it took me eight years to write it because

1068
00:58:53,760 --> 00:59:00,879
I wanted to do authentically write it for God and when I was fully healed, but man,

1069
00:59:00,879 --> 00:59:01,879
it's such a good book.

1070
00:59:01,879 --> 00:59:07,879
I know I sound biased, but it's such a good book.

1071
00:59:08,399 --> 00:59:10,399
No, I mean, it's your story.

1072
00:59:10,399 --> 00:59:11,399
It's your story.

1073
00:59:11,399 --> 00:59:12,399
It's your journey.

1074
00:59:12,399 --> 00:59:17,159
You know, you should be proud of it and you should want to share it with the world.

1075
00:59:17,159 --> 00:59:22,120
I'm happy that you have and that you are, and that it's going to reach people that,

1076
00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:29,719
I believe books, music, whatever, always finds who it needs to find, you know.

1077
00:59:29,719 --> 00:59:32,760
You know, use all the channels you can to get it to people, but I believe it's going

1078
00:59:32,760 --> 00:59:35,639
to find who it needs to get to.

1079
00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:37,560
And so please go check out Fennex.

1080
00:59:38,239 --> 00:59:39,239
The book looks amazing.

1081
00:59:39,239 --> 00:59:40,239
You're amazing to talk to.

1082
00:59:40,239 --> 00:59:46,080
You've been a wonderful guest, very high energy, very genuine, very warm, very kind, and I

1083
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:52,040
think that's a nice change sometimes what you see from coaching is a nice bright energy

1084
00:59:52,040 --> 00:59:56,679
to you, which is I think when someone's struggling, you often need that, you know, to kind of

1085
00:59:56,679 --> 01:00:02,679
get you through these tough patches that you've been there, so you know what those tough patches

1086
01:00:02,679 --> 01:00:03,679
are.

1087
01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:08,280
So all those links to find Fennex are going to be in the show notes.

1088
01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:09,280
Please check her book out.

1089
01:00:09,280 --> 01:00:15,959
Please check her out, and as always, you can find me on the Call Her Cat podcast on all

1090
01:00:15,959 --> 01:00:17,239
major listening platforms.

1091
01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:22,479
The easiest way to connect with me and the show is the link tree, which will be in the

1092
01:00:22,479 --> 01:00:27,800
show notes as well, and please remember you don't have to carry where you came from and

1093
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:33,719
keep telling your story as Fennex has, and you never know who you will help.

1094
01:00:33,719 --> 01:00:35,719
And thank you all for listening, and we will see you next time.