Fragments Of Me

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Hi everybody, and welcome back to Friday's edition of Call Her Cat. Now, I was gonna read um the second chapter of my book called Arrangements, but I decided to deviate from that a little bit. Um so what this podcast really is, I know a lot of people begin podcasts to gain um a following, which leads to monetary uh growth and and you know all that stuff, but that's not what my purpose is. You know, I'm really trying to get my story out there. Um trying to heal and I'm trying to hopefully help others heal. Um I'm trying to build like a little community of people who can understand where I'm coming from and maybe hear a little bit of of themselves in me. Um that's the goal. I don't have fancy audio equipment, I'm not in a fancy studio, I'm just in my living room. Um and I'm really just trying to to heal and help some people. It's really just as simple as that. So um, yeah, that's where I'm at. So today, what I'm going to do is read a poem that I wrote. Um, it's called Fragments. And it was inspired by my father and his passing and the damage that was left and the fragments that were left. You know, kind of like a puzzle piece to try to put it all together. Because that's what it feels like a lot of the time. You know, when you're left with a big mess and this generational trauma, it's like all these puzzle pieces are just left out in front of you from all these different puzzles that aren't even your own. And you gotta make it fit to figure out who you are, where you go, and how to stop any more trauma from being passed on to future generations. Um and that's what this has felt like to me. You know, like a whole bunch of pieces have just been laid out and I gotta figure it out because I don't want the pain to continue. Um, it just feels like fragments, almost like a Jenga in a way, too. You know, you move the wrong piece, like it all topples over. So, you know, that being said, I'd like to read you this poem, and I hope it resonates um with somebody. So it's called Fragments. Fragments are all I have left. Pieces are all I pick up from the family you left undone. You let it all come apart like a swirl of ribbons. I replay all the noise in my head. God I wish I could just put you to bed. Even in death you will not die. How many times must I say goodbye? We connected through your pain, the wounds you left leave us both lame. I want to make it all make sense, I want you to feel my consequence. Would it matter or would my pain be gathered with laughter? More questions than answers that is the game. All I have left of you is a soon to be extinct and fragmented last name. I stand by your grave and weep, it mimics the last time I saw you sleep. I said my goodbyes through tear filled eyes, though I could not be sure why I had cried. You denied me right until the end, unwilling to even slightly bend. No wonder my wounded heart could not mend. Fragments of you break and bend me every day. I lean and I sway, trying to find my way, like the lost little girl you denied until your dying day. What fragments made you that way? I wish you would have shared your heart with me, then maybe we both could have seen, but it was not meant to be. Your fragments will rip and tear, laying only my soul to bear, whispering did you even care? What a hell of a question to ask. Why did you always have to put me last? I look in the mirror and see glimpses of you, the man I never really knew. My gaze hits the ground with a tear, I will live no more in fear. Your fragments will always live in me, but in death I am free, free to rearrange and repair the fragments that damaged deep within me. I cry, I scream, I yell and I wail. Though I will not fail in healing the fragments of we, may your soul and all its fragments rest in peace. Now I am by no means the best with words or I'm no poet. Um you know, but that's that's me laying my heart out there. Um that's what it's felt like for a very long time. You know, just trying to put all these pieces together of who he was and what happened. And I think if we don't look back at where we came from, how do we change the trajectory of where we could go? Or even worse, how do we stop how do we stop, you know, the pain from going down to to future generations? You know, there has to be someone who says, Stop, this is enough. You know, and I don't even think I was chosen to be that person. You know, I think you have to kind of choose to be that person. You know what I mean? I think there has to be something deep within you that says, you know, enough, like enough pain, enough trauma. Um, it just there comes a point where in in most people's lives where you kind of can go down two paths. You can keep going down the path that you're going down and get the same results that you always got. Or you can try a different one, a less traveled one. Um and it's scary because you don't know what's down there. But it's a path that could really change everything for you. Um, and that's the path I chose. And it's a lonely one, and people make fun of you. Um, you I don't have a lot of friends, I'll tell you that right now. Um I I don't have a lot of family that I talk to or talks to me. The family is broken, it's dysfunctional, it's it's not healthy. You know, it's not a healthy family unit. Um, you know, and I long deeply to have a chosen family. And, you know, that's what this podcast is really all about. Um money following all that, that's wonderful, but that doesn't heal you. You know? You gotta have a purpose. Uh you gotta wanna do something bigger than yourself. Uh the rest will come if it's meant to, but money by itself, it may bring you comfort, relieve some of your worries, but it won't bring you true happiness. Um, it just won't. My dad had money. And, you know, he died alone. You know, you gotta do the deep work. You have to do the deep work no matter how much it hurts. It's not glamorous, it's not pretty, it's not a highlight reel on Instagram, you know what I mean? Um I think sometimes healing gets glamorized, you know. Oh, you know, meditation and breath work. Yeah, that's some of it, but you gotta do some deep, deep shit, some deep work. You know, really look inside yourself, and it's gonna get lonely and it's gonna get dark. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, and and you know, self-careless. So, you know, that's all I got for today. And I hope this resonated with someone. I hope someone can hear what I'm trying to say. And always, if you ever want to email me any comments, any suggestions, good or bad, I welcome it all. Um you know, my email is callmecatpodcast at gmail.com. Thank you.