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Welcome back to Not Just a Nurse Podcast.
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You're here with Nurse Jax and another wonderful guest.
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We have a full packed evening for you guys where we're going to focus on healing and balance and becoming whole, mind, body, and soul.
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I'm your host, Nurse Jax, and today we're going to continue the series on grief, a topic that touches every single one of us, yet often goes unspoken.
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We heard from our first episode about the power of regaining your light in a very dark times from Roseanne.
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Joining me today is Dr.
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McGloshin, a licensed psychologist who has helped countless individuals navigate loss, trauma, and emotional healing.
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Together, we'll explore the psychology of greed, what's really happening inside of us, how to move through it, and how to support others while they're healing in the journey.
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So let's take a deep breath, open our hearts, and let's begin.
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So, Dr.
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McGloshin, please start by sharing a little bit about yourself, your journey, and your new endeavors, and then we'll jump right into the topic of grief.
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Okay, good evening, Nurse Hunter.
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Thank you so much for having me on your podcast.
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My name is Dr.
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Alex McGloshan.
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I have been practicing in the field of psychology for going on 25 years now.
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I am a school psychologist and as also a clinical psychologist.
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I work predominantly in the schools, but I also have a private practice where I see adolescents and also young adults.
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In addition to that, I do work as an adjunct professor, most recently for Delphi University and Pace University, training graduate students in the field of psychology.
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It's really a pleasure to be here with you tonight.
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Oh, that's great.
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So, Dr.
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McGloshin, in your work as a psychologist, how do you personally define grief?
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Is it more than just sadness?
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Absolutely.
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I would say it's more than sadness.
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Grief is a universal feeling.
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And what I mean by that is that everyone in the world experiences similar feelings, but everybody grieves differently.
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So what we have in common though is that it is a profound sadness.
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So it's not just, you know, something that usually will go away, you know, the next day, or, you know, where you may have be in a bad mood and then you're in a better mood.
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It's something that's usually more long-lasting, more intense, and feels painful.
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Feels painful in the body and the mind.
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Because, you know, sometimes we feel like grief is just about crying and it's not that, is it?
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No, not at all.
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I remember when I first started practicing in the schools and I was counseling two young children who had lost their mother.
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And one of the, I think it was the older sibling, was a girl, expressed that she was upset that her younger brother was not crying, you know.
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Oh wow.
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You're not crying for mommy.
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Because she was crying a lot.
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And he said, I am crying, I cry on the inside, and I've never forgotten that.
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That's the the male-female version of grief, right?
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So we're more emotional, and guys do on the inside, but that can hurt us too, right?
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Yeah, it can.
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And I just want to point out that it's not necessarily a gender thing because there certainly are men who are very open with their emotions and they will cry and they will express how they're feeling, and there are women who will be the ones who don't cry and who hold in their emotions.
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So I just want to put that out there.
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Okay.
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But I think there's a difference between being completely cut off from your feelings and not acknowledging that you're sad and just not expressing that on the outside to other people.
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You know what I'm saying?
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So a person might just be the type of person who doesn't what we call emote easily.
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You can't just look at them and know exactly how they're feeling.
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But if you ask them, they can tell you, they might say, I feel like a boulder has crushed my soul.
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They feel it.
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They feel it.
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That's so deep.
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Right?
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They feel it.
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And so that's not the same thing as a person who says, Oh no, I'm I'm I'm I'm perfectly fine.
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And they mean it.
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And meanwhile, they had a very significant loss, right?
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Because that would not be healthy and that's not typical for people to completely, you know, disregard their feelings.
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You know, that would be unusual.
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Most often, people express feelings of pain.
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How they express it, that can depend on the personality, on culture, on particular family.
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In some families, it's okay to, you know, express yourself, it's okay to yell and scream.
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And in other families, that's not really considered acceptable behavior.
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And so sometimes people learn to express their feelings in a certain way.
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And that's okay.
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So when you talk about culture, that's definitely a touchy subject, right?
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Because in the African-American culture, especially the Caribbean culture in our community, so what have you seen in our community how grief affects us?
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Well, I think that we as a whole, as people of African descent, we tend to express grief out loud in general.
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You mean like falling over the casket?
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You know, yeah, our with our whole bodies sometimes, yes.
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Okay.
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You know, but uh again, that's not everybody.
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That's not a good thing.
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No, it's not everybody, you know, but it wouldn't be unusual to walk into a funeral of any family of African descent, whether you're from the Caribbean, whether from your south, whether from you know, you're from Harlem, whether you're from Nigeria, whether you're from wherever, and see somebody having that kind of reaction, shaking, you know, crying, throwing the arms up.
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So that's just, you know, a culturally acceptable way of grieving.
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There is a connection with our spirituality and how we express our spirituality with how we grieve.
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You know, those of us who are raised in a more quiet spiritual tradition, like say Catholicism, maybe a little bit more quiet, quote unquote, with their grieving than if you were raised in, say, a Pentecostal tradition.
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Correct.
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Or a traditional, you know, indigenous religion.
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But what I really want to stress is it is important that we don't judge others and we don't judge ourselves about how we grieve.
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Right.
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You know.
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So a lot of people associate grief with only death, right?
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That's when I grieve because I'm someone died, right?
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What are some other forms of grief you've seen and you know that people might not even recognize?
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Sure, that's a good question.
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And yes, you're right.
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Grief is really loss.
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So it's not always the death of a person or a loved one, but it could be, for example, a divorce.
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That's a form of loss.
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And people who go through divorce describe it as a grieving process, a loss of the relationship or the expectation that one had for their marriage.
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Grief can also be some kind of change in job, a termination from work.
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During COVID, many of us experienced loss of our everyday life, of the way things used to be.
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Right.
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That was tough.
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That was tough, you know.
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Many people talked about the before.
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I miss the before.
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I miss being outside.
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And then you get outside like, I just want to come inside.
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I just want to come inside.
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Yeah, well, now we're we're back to you know, yeah, we're back outside, but when we lost the ability to socialize with one another and to be together, and you know, we felt it as a loss, and people were in various stages of grieving because of it.
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You talk about stages.
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So, what are the different stages of grieving?
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So it's interesting to ask that question.
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So there are, you know, traditionally the stages that we all learn about, you know, shock, anger, and disbelief, you know, and acceptance.
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But there are researchers who now question that model and say, Oh, okay.
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It's not some of those features, yes, we do experience them, but it is not true necessarily that you have to go through this particular order and experience this, and then you experience that, and then you experience this, and then now you have closure, and now you're all better.
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And now you're acceptance, and you're all better, right?
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Yeah, yeah.
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I don't know if you ever really get better.
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Like I don't right, right.
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I think you just continue to exist with the grief.
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Learning to live with the loss, you know, learning to live with the loss.
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And you know, what we know now is that it's better to focus on helping people make it, you know, helping people get through life without the physical presence of this person that they cared so deeply about.
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So, you know, we talk about helping the person to accept their feelings about the death, right?
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As opposed to accept the death, because that's a really hard thing to ask a person to do, to accept the death, but accept your feelings about it.
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Can you go a little deeper into that?
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Because that's very interesting.
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Accepting your feelings about it.
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Right.
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So I think that you know, culturally, it is universally expected that the predominant feeling is going to be sadness.
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And yes, there's sadness, but there's not just sadness, sometimes there's anger, sometimes there's intense anger, and that anger can be directed at the person who is deceased.
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Like, you know, why'd you leave me?
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Or why didn't you take care of yourself better, or why weren't you more careful, or why didn't you know, these are the kind of feelings that one might feel are not valid, not fair, not rational, but you might feel them, right?
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And it's important to accept it if that's what you feel, and talk about it and process it and let it out.
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You know, it could be overwhelm and exhaustion could be the predominant feeling, like this is too much.
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You know, one of the things that we don't really talk about, but when a person who is a very close loved one passes away, there's a lot that goes with that from planning the final arrangements, dealing with you know the paperwork of all of the the loved one's assets.
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Maybe there were things that that person took care of, and now you have to take care of it.
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And so apparently that's huge, yeah.
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So, you know, that all of them are.
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Like now you left me with all this stuff, yeah, especially with the wife and husband situation, and like the husband normally the one to take care of all this stuff, and then now where am I gonna find like how do I go through life now?
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Now I gotta figure out your stuff.
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And yesterday, you know, when I interviewed Roseanne, she was like, Yeah, and they have to dealt with the estates, right, and the business, and people don't talk about those things, like that's work, absolutely, it's a lot, you know.
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So there are a lot of feelings that you might have, and again, it's important that you not judge yourself and give yourself grace, you know, and so it comes, it always comes back to yourself because now you have to take care of you in this process, right?
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Yes, okay.
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And that brings me to an important point.
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I think one of the most important things most therapists will tell you is to reach out to others, to loved ones, family members, friends, and let them know that you need help.
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Don't don't try to go it alone, don't try to be superwoman, don't do that, or superman, don't do that.
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Yeah, it's too much.
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It's too much.
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It's too much, you know.
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And the thing is, as humans, we all are going to experience loss in our lives.
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So I help you today, you help me tomorrow.
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We have to help each other.
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And I think too many times, especially in the black community, too many times we feel like I have to do this, I have to do this.
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I gotta get through this myself.
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I just don't understand.
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Yeah, by myself, you know, and the thing is we're we're human beings, we're not robots, and sometimes it's okay to take the time to grieve, to rest, to be with other loved ones that bring you comfort and other friends, and ask somebody else to do the heavy lifting for you or with you to support you.
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Oh, okay.
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So you've worked with so many people in different stages of loss, right?
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So, what have you learned about how grief shows up differently for everyone?
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Well, I mean, you know, like I said, every individual is different.
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I think that what I will say is it does seem to be harder when it's like a head of household.
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And let's say, like, there's a loss of a spouse, and then there are children.
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What I find is in those cases, the surviving spouse often feels the need to protect the children from the pain.
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And in doing that, they will hide you know their feelings or hide their suffering.
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Yeah, you know, is that a good or a bad thing to do?
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Huh.
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So, I mean, I think it's not the best thing to do because working with children for many years, one thing I always tell the grown-ups in their lives is they're paying attention and they know that you're sad.
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So don't tell them you're okay if you're not, because they know, you know, and they need to know that you know you're sad.
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What you can say is, I'm very, very sad right now, but I'm gonna be okay, and you're gonna be okay.
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But it's okay to let them know.
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I think it's important to be honest and speak to them at a level that they will understand based on their age.
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And, you know, there are books for children about grieving.
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I recommend parents, they should look into those books.
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Most school counselors and school social workers and psychologists would have them if you ask, or you can just do a quick Google search just to help you have the language for it.
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But I think that's something that I witness a lot, and also kind of a frequent mistake that I see is people will say, Oh, well, the kids are fine.
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Oh, they're okay.
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They cried at the funeral, but look, they're playing, they're fine.
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No, they're not.
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They're not, they're not because you're not, you're not fine, so yeah, how could they be fine?
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They are children, so they show it differently, you know, but they still feel the loss.
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That's one, and two, children will sometimes pretend in front of the grieving adult to be okay because they're believe it or not, trying to protect that person, you know.
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Like mommy's already sad, so I don't want her to know how much I'm sad or how much everybody is protecting each other, everyone's protecting each other.
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Everyone is protecting each other and actually facing it and dealing with it and going past it.
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Right, right.
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I see that a lot.
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Interesting, yeah.
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Yeah, because you know, you want to like when my dad passed, I was trying to protect my mom.
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She has like, I haven't seen her cry, I haven't seen her, so she's probably trying to protect me.
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Yeah, you know, it's just like and we're all in shambles, yeah.
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So you're crying probably.
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I was like, I'm gonna be strong for my daughter.
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But I mean, you know, I definitely understand the intention, you know.
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But what I want to say is that you don't have to do that, you can be there for each other and still grieve outwardly and let it out together and mourn together and get through it, you know.
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So when does grief become something more serious, like complicated or depression?
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Yes, or how can someone know like when to seek help?
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Generally speaking, there's no actual time period where you say, Okay, you're done, right?
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But in general, after about a year or two, if a person is still expressing significant feelings of depression and sadness, it may be a good idea to seek a mental health practitioner.
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Also, if in their earlier stages, so let's say four or five months in, the person just can't function.
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You know, I can't get out of bed, I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I can't get to work, their life has changed significantly, then you probably wouldn't get help for that individual.
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So sometimes we can predict when there's going to be, you know, what is called a complicated grief.
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But again, because everybody's different, you can't know for sure.
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Complicated grief often occurs when there's a sudden, unexpected death, or when there's like the death of a child or a young person, and you know, we expect more severe symptoms in those cases.
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But what I would say is would it be like acute or like yes, you know, we would say acute or chronic, correct?
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Exactly.
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So it's lasting a long time, and again, it's you know, because is it the first couple of days, the first couple of weeks, even it's normal if a person doesn't feel like getting out of bed, but eventually they do and they eat, you know, but they have that feeling of not wanting to.
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But if they literally don't get out the bed for, you know, let's say a week or two after, I don't think it would hurt to speak with a professional just to see if there's some treatment that can be offered, because then you're not taking care of yourself, right?
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So if you're you're not taking care of yourself, that's dangerous, you know.
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And unfortunately, people who've had losses are very, very susceptible to themselves being sick or you know, having suicidal thoughts.
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So people should keep an eye on friends and relatives who've experienced significant losses because they may not say it, but you may see it that you know, wait a minute, Auntie is not okay, or you know, something's going on with Junior.
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This is very serious, and you should, you know, reach out for help at that point.
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This is a good time to remind your listeners that we now have a national suicide hotline.
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That's 988-988.
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Can be used anywhere in the United States, and it's just 988.
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Yep, just like we have 911-988.
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Oh, okay.
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Anywhere to know anywhere in the U.S., you can call that number and there will be somebody, they have multiple languages available who can speak to a person in crisis or offer help.
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If you need help, you're worried about somebody, you can call that number and say, Hey, I think this loved one of mine may be suicidal, you know, they just experience a death or whatever it is.
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You can call that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
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You can and you call that number and you get to speak to a therapist, a live person.
00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:49.680
You speak to a live person, a live trained counselor, yes, not an AI, no.
00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:52.799
No, I'm so glad you said that.
00:22:53.200 --> 00:22:55.440
No AI, Dr.
00:22:55.680 --> 00:23:04.000
Alex is not a fan of AI for the purposes of counseling, and let me tell you why.
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:12.720
Because I've been hearing things like people are like using Chat GPT to counsel them, and right, right, yeah, and Gemini.
00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:15.440
Right, it's like what is happening?
00:23:15.759 --> 00:23:19.200
Yeah, so and um young people are particularly susceptible to this.
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:37.839
But what we know right now is that these AI algorithms are designed to keep you engaged with them, which means that even if you show red flags, they're not going to direct you to 988 or help.
00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:45.920
They're gonna try to convince you to just keep engaging with them because they're it's a computer program, it's not a human.
00:23:46.240 --> 00:23:49.839
It can feel like a human, it can sound like a human, but it's not.
00:23:50.240 --> 00:24:00.079
So I strongly discourage people from engaging in counseling with any kind of artificial intelligence at this time.
00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:01.599
Okay, okay.
00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:04.079
That's good to know, and that's good to share.
00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:12.160
Can you share some a few healthy coping strategies or habits that can truly help people begin to heal?
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:13.599
Yeah, absolutely.
00:24:13.759 --> 00:24:21.920
Um, one we talked about already that's reaching out to others, you know, just reaching out to talk, listening to music.
00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:28.240
We know that research shows that that is therapy, another universal therapy, music.
00:24:28.319 --> 00:24:29.200
Um, absolutely.
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:32.960
And whatever music works for you, whatever you like.
00:24:33.279 --> 00:24:40.480
Some people may find comfort in listening to music that their loved one enjoyed to feel closer to them.
00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:45.440
We recommend that you celebrate the life of your loved one.
00:24:45.680 --> 00:25:02.000
It's hard, it's hard in the beginning, but you know, with the passage of time, remembering the gift of that person in your life, the positive moments, the memories can be a source of comfort.
00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:18.720
I like when people do things to honor their loved one, their deceased loved one, like planting trees in their honor or starting a scholarship in their name, or something positive so that their legacy will live on, their name will live on.
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:28.880
You know, some cultures celebrate All Saints Day and All Souls Day, and they have cultural traditions where they remember their dead.
00:25:29.119 --> 00:25:37.039
But anything that is meaningful to you, I think is a good thing, so long as it feels right to you.