#5 Choosing Response Instead of Reaction

#5 Choosing response instead of reaction
Welcome to episode five of different points and I've joined with Catherine and I know that choosing response instead of a reaction is what we're going to be discussing today and I think that's a nice one. So I'm going to let you take the stage with this. Well I'll do my best to respond to that.

I'm saying, you know, oh my god I can't tell you how many times I've had memories of moments in my life where I wish that I responded instead of reacting. So many of the problems and issues that have happened in my life happened because I reacted and sometimes I've justified that by saying, well I wouldn't have reacted if they hadn't reacted first. Actually that's not a good argument and I think what does this mean, choosing response instead of reaction? I think it's the difference between like a kind of a knee jerk, immediate, thoughtless reaction and then a response is a more conscious, considered response and the quality of it is very, very different.

So to me that comes the whole question of well how can we make it easier for us to respond instead of react and to me that's got a lot to do with, you know, how well rested I am, am I carrying a lot of stress, am I relaxed, do I feel confident, you know, my whole state of mind and state of being affects my ability to respond instead of react and every time I react that's actually less good for me and every time I respond that's actually better for me. So you can sort of spiral down into worse and worse reaction or you can sort of spiral up into better and better response and I think it's possible to get stuck in the spiralling down because it reinforces itself and something I try and do in my life is if I see that happening I try to interrupt it and back off from it and go right what's going on, how can I unravel this and get back into responding. Now what's your take on this Roy? Well I remember a story of when I used to collect my child when he was young and I was three, four, when he was going to the school first like the Montessori, the kind of baby school and I'd collect him, you know, when he was finished and bring him home and he'd fall asleep in the car and then I'd take him out and he was just so grumpy, angry and nasty and my reaction was like I wasn't tolerating this and I mean I don't hate my child but I was like, you know, it was just denying me and I was like you can't be doing this and everything and then my reaction was he's tired because he's in there all day and then it was just like accepting it and just giving him love and it changed like that, just a simple thing.

It was my reaction was making it worse instead of giving love and understanding what was the reason behind this and I think we can see that in life a lot of times and sometimes, you know, even if we're doing stuff at work, you know, like we're reacting say like an email, you know, sometimes emotion kicks in, sometimes you don't have to respond in the minute, sometimes let it go to tomorrow and then your response instead of a reaction because it can just go boom boom boom boom and it goes nasty and you can finish a partnership or anything based on that and it's like a previous episode, the power of the pause, it kind of comes into this as well. Absolutely right and I do think sometimes if we have a reaction it's almost outside our control because it is something from our past has been triggered and some people say, you know, maybe something from our ancestral past has been triggered even, you know, that something that's happening or the tone of voice someone's using or what they're doing or a situation or something we see in the news or anything or piece of music, you know, can trigger us to go into a reactive place and it's almost like we're on automatic and we can't help it in that moment. So I think when that does happen, we have to forgive ourselves for that because when we start exploring something about choosing response instead of reaction, we can't go from being highly reactive to being highly responsive just by deciding to do it, we have to practice it over time and start to unravel and sometimes we've got sort of old, old stuff in us that's making us react.

There's nothing really to do with what's happening in the moment but something in the moment is triggering it and reactivating it and sometimes we need to come away, talk to our therapist, our life coach, whatever it is, our best friend, our pastor, whatever it is and just say, look, I'm really reacting to this, will you help me understand where that's coming from because my reaction is much bigger than the situation that's happening, it's just not in perspective. So sometimes we have to go into a bit of healing to help us get back into balance so we can then come back and be much more responsive again. But I love what you did with your son, you know, that you were able to do that in the moment with him because he's just a little feeling being, isn't he? It's a little bundle of feelingness and, you know, you loved him enough to get past your own reaction.

And actually I'm going to ask you, after you did that, did you feel better about yourself after you'd done that, after you'd not reacted but you'd responded instead? Absolutely, absolutely and, you know, you're talking about it in news as well. I made a decision a long time ago not to watch the news because what I've learned is it's all negativity which gives you a reaction, an emotional reaction and the same with if you're listening on music on the radio in the car, on the hour, every hour for five minutes they have to bombard you with negativity and sometimes it's on half hour so I can't reach fast enough to try and change the channel to turn on a different station, no, or just turn it off because the negativity is coming in. Did you ever listen to the news and you just went away from it going, wow, I feel great, the world is fantastic, it's like, you know, so I don't let that into me and that's, you know, I'm making, instead of reacting, I'm responding to allowing things positive to come into me.

That's right and I think that also reminds me there are certain people who I no longer spend time with because when I'm around them it's more difficult for me to just be in a responsive state, you know, there's something about their negativity, their worldview, let's say, maybe they've got a real victim mentality, so, you know, I've had situations where I've had to stay around them long enough to stop reacting, you know, so I kind of clean up my own act, I get to the point where I can just respond to them, I'm not reacting anymore, so I've got the lesson, I've learned the lesson that I need to get from being around that person and then I go, great, I've done that, now I just don't, I'm not going to have them around anymore because it's like, you know, do I want fluoride in my water? Not really, so it's a similar thing as certain people who for me are not the kind of people I really want to have in my life and so they're not bad people, they're not evil, they're not wrong, they're just not the people that are the best serve me in being, you know, a conscious person living the life I want to live and they've got their path, you know, they're doing what they're doing, bless them, you know, but that's important as well and you've said the same thing, Roy, you said, you know, with certain people you just don't keep them in your life because why, why would you do that, you know, and then there are other people where you think, yeah, those people are great, in fact, funnily enough, this show was partly inspired by what I've just said, I had a day where I was supposed to record a couple of podcast episodes and people didn't show up and after they didn't show up, I thought, oh god, those people are really flaky, it's so annoying, people like that and then I thought, yeah, I should spend more time with people who are great, who is, you know, we create together, it's fantastic, I know, I'll ask Roy to do a podcast with me and it was out of, it literally swung like that in the space of about an hour and so I think for people watching and listening, if you've got people that you kind of need to shuffle out of your life, do it but equally go towards the people that really support you and that inspire you and where you are, you're creative together and it's a wonderful atmosphere together, go towards those people, even if you're going to say, look, I'm calling you, I've no idea why, I just feel like, I don't know, let's just spend more time or let's just talk more or whatever, whatever it might be and allow yourself to have the stuff that feeds you so that your life is, there is more of that responding instead of reacting going on and you're helping someone else with that as well. I always say that, you know, it's like bridges to your island and you burn a few of the bridges because, you know, they're just damaging your island, new bridges will form and you meet people because you didn't have the bandwidth or the energy to be out there and even the nice people, when you spend more time with them, they'll say, oh, you should meet this person and before you know it, you've got a circle of people that give you energy instead of zapping it from you. Beautiful, yes, absolutely right because the world has got many billions of people, hasn't it, and a lot of those are going to be exactly the right people to have in our lives.

Exactly, exactly. So, once again, different points, different views and we look forward to you joining us on the next episode. Thanks again, Catherine.

Thank you so much, Roy. All right, bye.