Who Ya Gonna Call?

Episode #8
INTRO
FLLOYD
Thunder's Mouth Theatre presents... Episode 8 of Season 13. "Who ya Gonna Turn To?" Helen calls up her oldest bestest friend Joey (Joanna) for a natter. This episode references boredom, sadness, loneliness and fear, all things that become more common experiences the older you get. You have been warned... Enjoy!

SCENE #1
JOEY'S PHONE RINGS
JOEY
Yes? Who is this please?
HELEN
It's me
JOEY
Hello me.  What can I do for you?
HELEN
Help me!
JOEY 
What?
HELEN
Oh, sorry Joey. Where are my manners?  Please help me. I am in need.
JOEY
Oh sweetheart, what's the problem? Are you ill? Have you hurt yourself?
HELEN
No. Nothing like that.  
 JOEY
What then?
HELEN
I'm bored.
JOEY
(pause for thought)
You're bored?
HELEN
Yup. Totes, completely, utterly bored.
JOEY
Ok.  Well my darling, you know what they say?
HELEN
Yes. But I don't want to hear it.
JOEY
Oh but you must. Now then. Do you want to hear it from me?  Or are you going to admit it, yourself. All on your own.  Like a big brave girl. Hmmm?  What's it to be?  I need an answer.
HELEN
Oh alright. I'll say it.  Only boring people are bored.
JOEY
Good girl.  So....?  Are you a boring people? Person?
HELEN
Probably. Not all the time. But right now. Yes. I'm boring myself to death.  And it's taking too long to kill me. 
JOEY
And do you actually want to die? Sounds a bit drastic? No?
HELEN
No. Not really. Not actually. I want to LIVE! LIVE LIVE UNTIL I DIE! But not when there's nothing to do. Joey. I've run out of things to do. And it's boring me. Don't you ever get bored?
JOEY
Not for many, many years. That's probably why I'm exhausted most of the time.
HELEN
Yes. I can see that.
JOEY
Why not play a game? Isn't that what the young people do these days? I never did get into it myself. 
HELEN
Me neither. I tried it, when they first came out. When I got my first computer. Couldn't see the sense in buying an extra machine and Janey wasn't remotely interested in them. 
JOEY
Wasn't she?  I thought all those - what do they call them? The ones born in the 70s?
HELEN
Children?
JOEY
You know what I mean. Post boomers.
HELEN
We're not boomers, are we?  Born too early. "War Babies", that's what we were. Oh! Gen X! That's what Janey is. Where on earth did that come from? 
JOEY
Wasn't there a movie - something something Planet X? I seem to remember something I saw when I was a teenager.
HELEN
"The Man from Planet X". Was that it? Except he wasn't hu-man, he was an alien. And it traumatised me. I had nightmares for weeks. Totally put me off any sort of horror movies, or even sci-fi.
JOEY
I remember thinking the humans were really the baddies, they treated the alien so badly they deserved everything they got. And when the Planet X beings decided not to emigrate to earth after all, I was kinda sad.
HELEN
Ah, Joey, always the optimist.
JOEY
Not really. More of a pragmatist. You know that. We are two of a kind.
HELEN
Indeed. Twins separated at birth, I reckon.
JOEY
(laughs)
If only!  ... Hang on... are you saying you don't enjoy sci-fi?
HELEN
Oh I do now. But I didn't watch any at all, until Star Trek. That changed me.
JOEY
And why was that? Did you have a crush on Captain Kirk?
HELEN
Not at all. I just loved the philosophy they threaded throughout each episode. And some of them clearly based on the Greek myths. I loved that to bits. It tickled my brain.
JOEY
Yes, Me too. And how about Star Wars? Did that tickle your brain? Or your fancy?
HELEN
Much more my fancy. I enjoyed it's swashbuckling nature, and I did have a crush on Harrison Ford. I never did accept the concept of the kid, whatsisname? The Mark Hamill character? The juvenile knight in training one.. I was quite shocked after the event to discover that everyone thought he was the hero. It was always Han Solo for me. Anti-not-anti hero. 
JOEY
Really? It was Obi Wan Kenobi for me.
HELEN
Yes. Him too. Skywalker thingy, something Skywalker wasn't it?
JOEY
Luke
HELEN
Oh yes, Luke Skywalker, he was just an annoying kid with an attitude problem who learnt how to shoot straight occasionally. That's not a hero. Is it?  Am I still missing the point? 
JOEY
Did you watch the second bunch of three that they made?  The prequels?
HELE N
Watched the first one. Not good. Even with Ewan McGregor. The writing, the whole thing just made me cross, so I never watched the others. Did I miss anything?
JOEY
Probably not. But who am I to judge?
HELEN
You?  You are highly qualified to judge, I would have thought. You know how to tell a good book from a less that good one. Shouldn't that  qualify you to distinguish a decent film from a less decent one.
JOEY
No. I don't believe it does.
BANGING OUTSIDE
HELEN
Well I do. And I trust your judgement in this, as in all things
JOEY
You fool! You mad impetuous fool!
HELEN
What's that banging?
JOEY
It's just Steve.
HELEN
Well?  Why is he banging.
JOEY
It's probably the study door. It sticks sometimes. He can't get out. So he bangs until I come to rescue him.
HELEN
Right... And are you?
JOEY
Am I what?
HELEN
Are you going to rescue him.
JOEY
All in good time. I'm talking to you.
HELEN
Oh don't be mean. Go on. Let the poor man out. Set him free! Set Steve Free! Set Steve Free!
JOEY
Oh alright then. Don't you go away now.
HELEN
I ain't going nowhere.
JOEY
Alright alright I'm coming. Hold your horses! Hang on to your hat!
FADE OUT WITH MUSIC
SCENE #2
JOEY
Hello.  I'm back. ... You still there? ... Helen ... Ellie ...
HELEN
Yo! I'm here. Everything ok?
JOEY
Of course.
HELEN
Steve ok?
JOEY
He's fine. A bit frayed around the edges, but then aren't we all?
HELEN
How'd you mean?
JOEY
I mean, he's getting a bit doddery - well to be honest, more doddery, because he's been pretty doddery for the past five years or so.
HELEN
Haven't we all?
JOEY
I guess. But now he's full time dodders with a walking stick in the house, and a  walker stroller thingy when we go out. 
HELEN
Where to?
JOEY
Pardon?
HELEN
Where to? Where do you go out to?
JOEY
Oh... shopping. Mostly. It's not far, he can manage that.  If we want to go any further, cinema maybe, we take a cab.
HELEN
Cinema! I can't remember the last time I went to the cinema. Actually out. To the cinema place.
JOEY
Do you miss it?
HELEN
Hmm. Not a lot. I miss the company. I used to go with Janey and Jonathan.
JOEY
So you are missing them. Well that's understandable, isn't it?
HELEN
I suppose so.
JOEY
So you're not actually bored, you're lonely.
HELEN
Am I?
JOEY
Probably. Haven't you ever been lonely before?
HELEN
Yes.  On and off. But it didn't hang around for long.
JOEY
Because...?
HELEN
Because... I suppose because I was too busy to notice. 
JOEY
I guess. So what are you doing about it? Are you still going out? And not just for shopping?
HELEN
Ahmm. Yes... I went to the Poetry Club the other night.
JOEY
Ok. Well that's good... Isn't it?
HELEN
Yeah. I get to see people, we have a chat, we catch up.
JOEY
And you share some lovely poetry.
HELEN
Yeah... Yes, of course we do.

JOEY
And?
HELEN
Well it's not all lovely. Some of it is pretty grim, more and more these days. And then there are the younger ones, who just want to rant about their sex lives all the time. 
JOEY
Oh! Well that can't be boring.
HELEN
You'd be surprised.
JOEY
Alright. I'll believe you, But 
What else? What's going on Helen? This is not like you.
HELEN
What? 
JOEY
All this misery talk. I've never known you, in what... fifty years? To sound ... depressed.
HELEN
Oooh. Well. I don't know that I'm depressed. Because I'm pretty sure I've never been it, so I don't know what it feels like. I know other people have it, I understand that it is a thing. I just don't think... I don't think I have it. I'm more... scared, than sad.  Although sadness is part of it.
JOEY
Part of what?  ... Come on, Ellie, spill the beans. What's going on. What have you got to be scared of? 
HELEN
Oh... losing the plot. Losing my ability to think straight.
JOEY
But you never did think "straight". That's not how you do it. That's what I love about you. Pretty sure that is what we all love about you. So what's different?  Did something happen? Did someone say something—
HELEN
No nobody said anything. Oh alright, it was something that happened at the poetry night. I was performing a poem that I've been reciting off by heart for centuries, and I totally forgot what to say, in the middle of both of it. It happened twice. And I don't mean I just had one of those moment, when you forgot, and then it comes to you. Or even when you forget, like, you go blank and then you just think of anything to say next, to cover yourself. 
JOEY
So what was different.
HELEN
My whole mind, my absolutely total brain thing just stopped. I couldn't think of anything. There was nothing in my head to think. It was as if someone had hit Delete All. 
JOEY
And then what happened?
HELEN
Well, I sort of 'came to' and apologized, and tried again, and I got a few lines further on, and then it happened again. So I had to stop and apologize again, and I just could not think what came next, so I gave up. Sat down. Feeling deeply embarrassed, and absolutely terrified. 
JOEY
Uh huh.  I can understand that. And then what?
HELEN
Oh well, of course, everybody wanted to come up to me after, and tell me how it happens to them all the time, they're always forgetting things, it's normal, and it made me very angry.
JOEY
Why? It's true, it does happen to all of us. Why would that make you angry?
HELEN
Because... Joey, you and I are the same age. Almost to the day. But still, we are ageing at different rates, that's how it works. Steve is ageing faster than you. And so am I. 
JOEY
Meaning?
HELEN
I can remember, back in the day, in my 20s, for instance, I can remember forgetting a word, forgetting to pick up my keys before I left the house, forgetting to buy something I went out for specially. Normal. Yes. And I can remember when I going through the menopause, having these blank moments. And when that happened, I went straight to the doctor, and asked for the helpful drugs. The ... oh ... what d'ye call them? IRT? HRT!! Hormone replacement Therapy. And voila! I was back, and not just back, but better, sharper than ever. And even after I came off them, I just had the - what I would call 'normal' memory losses that most people in their 60s, even 70s were complaining about.
JOEY
I know what you mean.
HELEN
So yes, each stage of my life I have experienced a degree of forgetfulness that seemed manageable, in keeping with whatever else was going on in my life. But this is different.
JOEY
How so?
HELEN
This is a whole new ball game. It's not like it was before, it's different. It's deeper, the loss in the moment is a deeper loss. And I'm not saying I think it's Dementia, although who knows. I am saying it's different.  
JOEY
So what are you going to do about it?
HELEN
Yes, that's the 60,000 dollar question, isn't it. And the answer is, learn to live with it, adapt to make room for it. Try to avoid telling all those younger people who think they know everything that this too will come to them. And then they'll know. For sure.
JOEY
For sure. And you're not, you know.
HELEN
Not what?
JOEY
You're not ageing faster than me. Than I am. Oh dear, I can't help it. Old habits, eh?
HELEN
Yes, our English teachers really did a number on us, didn't they! So are you having these episodes too?
JOEY
I sure am, my darling. When I can't think of a word these days, it does not come back. Sometimes, yes, after a few hours maybe, but other times, not at all. And even worse than that, I'll still be trying to think of the word, but I can't remember what I was talking about when I needed it in the first place.
HELEN
Yes!  That is it, exactly. You know when you are at the computer, and you suddenly want to look something up, so you click on the browser and then realise you don't know what you wanted to search for?
JOEY
All the time. 
HELEN
I remember teasing Janey once, pretending I didn't know who she was.
JOEY
You didn't!
HELEN
I did so too. She was totally freaking out, and I just thought it was hilarious.
JOEY
You're a cruel mother, aren't you.
HELEN
Well, I used to be.  But then I used to be a lot of things.
JOEY
Didn't we just! 
HELEN
I need a coffee
JOEY
Me too!
OUTR0
FLLOYD
That was "Who Ya Gonna Turn to?" Episode 8 of Season 13. Written, performed and produced by me, Flloyd Kennedy. The music is courtesy of John T La Barbera, please check out his music on Bandcamp. Thanks too, to the Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish, who have certainly allowed this little programme to flourish over the past couple of years.  And thanks to Joanna and Scott, my Patreon subscribers. I'm sure you, my lovely listener, are aware that while podcasts might be free to listen to, they are not free to make - to quote Joe Fisher of Midnight Burger fame. So anything you are able to contribute to either Patreon.com/amIoldyet, or Buymeacoffee.com/amIoldyet goes to cover production and equipment costs, as well as helping me to pay the guest actors, all just trying to earn a living by plying their craft.
FLLOYD
Thanks for listening. Stay safe.