Scrupulosity

0:02 Looking at our world from a theological perspective. This is the Theology Central podcast, making Theology Central. Wow. It feels like it's been ten years since I've heard that, right? Should we play it again? Just one more time? Maybe we should play it just one more time. It feels like it's been so long. Let's play it. One more time, looking at our world from a theological perspective. This is the Theology Central podcast, making Theology Central. Wow, it's been so long. Good afternoon everyone. It is Thursday, August fifteenth, twenty twenty four. It is currently twelve thirty eight pm Central Time, and I am coming to you live from the Theology Central studio located right here in Abilene, Texas. Now, I was curious how long it would take before I started receiving emails with people asking, so when are you going to make another episode? Where have you been? What's going on? And today was the day. It took about a week today I started receiving those emails. So I wanted to do a broadcast one because I just desperately wanted to do one, but two so that I can just answer everyone's questions, you know, without having to respond to any emails. So this is the easiest way to do that, and because I just I'm just grateful that

1:34 I have the opportunity to be here today. So first, thanks to anyone and everyone who has allowed me to be here today. I greatly appreciate all of that. Thanks to those who've emailed today asking where I have been. I'm not going to go through all the details. I'll just add I will just at least add this part. Many of you know I have a seizure disorder because of what happened to me in the United States military. Let's just say for the last week I have had a lot of seizure neurological related issues. That hasn't been the only issue, but that has been a major contributor to me not being able to do much of anything.

2:14 I always worry after having a lot of seizure issues, because obviously that's impacting the brain. What's going to happen the next time I turn on the microphone? Right? There's always this feeling like, well, I wonder if I've done the last broadcast right, because obviously enough issues with the brain. You don't want to be in front of a microphone trying to talk if your brain is not operating. Correctly. So I'm always I'm very aware that, you know, how many seizures before it's over, how many more seizures before it's done. I always, in a sense, no, I'm somewhat unborrowed time I feel like I am. Maybe that's a little bit of hyperbole, but I always feel that way.

2:54 So I'm glad that I'm here. And so that's what's been going on, at least one of the things that's been going going on. And I am grateful and thankful to anyone and everyone who has allowed me to be here today. And so let's see if we can get something accomplished. Now. Logic would dictate that I turn on the microphone and I do something simple, right, like maybe a Bible pop quiz, maybe a devotional message, maybe just a quick update about you know this, or maybe the new articles feature on the sermons on the Sermon Audio a beta website. If you go to beta dot sermon audio dot com and look up a broadcaster, they now have a section for every broadcaster to be able to post articles. So we could talk about that. I could just I could just kind of give you some you know, basic update over something small, you know, nothing big, that would be the way to ease myself back into broadcasting. Right, that would be smart, But I never do anything really the smart way.

3:58 I want to jump into something very very serious. I think it may apply to some of the people who are listening. I think in some ways it should, because I think inside all of us there may be really two parts. So here's what we're going to do. We're gonna begin this first broadcast back maybe with an arts and craft project. Maybe okay, all right, maybe an art project, I don't know. I need you to grab a piece of paper, and I need you to draw a person, right, like a stick figure. Just make sure the middle of the person is big enough so that you can write a couple of things. Okay, all right, So make your stick person kind of large, right, but in the middle, I want you, in the middle of that stick person, I want you to draw a line from the top to the bottom, separating the insides of that stick person into two parts. Two parts, all right, And I want you to write on one side, maybe the left side, of your stick figure. I want you to write the word scrupulosity. Scrupulosity that is spelled scr up U l osi t y scrupulosity, scr up u losi t y scrupulosity.

5:25 Are you familiar with that term? You may not be familiar with scrupulosity, but I am pretty sure there's a lot of you who suffer from it, and I am almost positive I definitely do or have. In fact, I feel like though with me, the stick figure may more represent me than it represents you, because I feel there's two parts of me. One side is greatly impacted with scrupulosity. It very much describes my character. But there's another part of me that is the opposite of scruple law. So on one side inside your stick figure, you've divided them in half. Right on the one side, and say the left side you write the word scrupulosity. On the other side, I want to put the word Antiinomianism, but Antinomianism has more of a philological implication, but it somewhat works here.

6:18 So just because we're going to go with one word on one side, scrupulosity, the other side antiinomianism, Antiinomianism, and that is spelled A N TI n O M I A nism, scrupulosity and antiinomianism. See when when after I have a week of just all kinds of seizure issues, what do I do? I come back with something simple like scrupulosity and antiinomianism. I mean, that's what you do. You come back with the easy stuff, right, Okay, scrupulosity and antiinomianism. Let me spell that one more time. A N T I N O I A N I S M.

7:04 Scrupulosity and antiinomianism. Now antiinomianism, let's define. Let's define both of these all right, Let's let's define both of us. Let's start with scrupulosity. Let's start with scrupulosity right now, antiinomianism. Let me just make it very clear. I'm not going with maybe the hardcore, very technical philological definition. I'm going to go with much more kind of a utilizing the concept and a specific way. So just I don't want someone emailing me going, hey, you weren't technically accurate. I'm trying to describe two very important ways in which people are impacted and in some ways affected by a certain way of thinking, a certain mindset, and we need to struggle with these, all right. So scrupulosity and antinomianism Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder. Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder. And so this is nothing to joke about. This is nothing to joke about at all, all right. If you have scrupulosity, I am sorry, because you are suffering and suffering deeply, all right, and it can cause a lot of problems.

8:32 Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder characterize by obsessive concerns about moral and religious issues, often leading to compulsive behaviors aimed at alleviating these concerns. It is commonly considered a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder, where the obsessions revolve around religious or moral perfect Individuals with scrupulosity may experience intense anxiety over their moral and spiritual state, often fearing that they are sinning or failing to meet religious or moral standards.

9:14 Someone suffering from scrupulosity will constantly feel guilt and shame and humiliation and and and no matter what they do, if they do something right, they never it's never going to be right enough. And if they violate something just a little bit, they will become utter, They will slowly unravel, they will slowly fall apart emotionally, they will just look, it's serious. They will They'll start confessing anything and everything, may confess it in a way that does not even accurately represent what occurs because they are feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. Scrupulosity is a nightmare to experience. You will well, you will have not only will the mental anguish push you over the edge. It can I think it can lead to physical problems and it's not. It is a nightmare. So inside some people, scrupulosity rules and rains, even if they not may not have the actual psychological disorder, even if it's not that, they just tend to function and operate more in the scrupulosity category. Right, So let me make it very clear, even if you don't have the psychological disorder, you may operate in the side of scrupulosity.

10:40 Now the other side antinomianism, we could refer to this as moral laxity, all right. This is an attitude or belief that moral laws and ethical guidelines are not important or applicable, leading to kind of a disregarding of sin or a lack of concern for moral and space siritual accountability, say, scrupulosity is like, oh wait, I did this. Oh, I did this, I did this, I did this. I mess up here, I messed up. Fifteen years later, you'll still be like, I did this, I did that, five years later, ten years. You just are constant anxiety and worry and you never do enough and you try to overcompensate. My I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do this to make up for that, and it's just it's performance based, it's law based. It's a nightmare. It is horrible, and nobody wants to live under scrupulosity. Some people, again may not have the psychological disorder, but they operate in that way of thinking. Other people kind of have like, you know what, whatever, I'm going to do the best I can.

11:45 Maybe if I mess up here, I'm not going to really feel too guilty about it. I'm not overly worried about it. They may utilize grace almost as an excuse for their sin, and they'll kind of operate in a moral, a very moral lax way. They're not really bothered by it. I didn't read my Bible in a week. Who really cares go to church? Maybe I may skip church, don't really care pray? Maybe maybe not Bible said, you haven't done it in six months, and I don't really care. They don't feel guilt, that don't feel shame. They're not really bothered by it. They're just like I do the best. I can't just get off my I don't care, I just leave me alone. I don't really, they're just very lax in it. Scrupulosity and moral laxity, or scrupulosity and antinomianism. Now, antinomianism has a much more technical definition than what I've given. Now, why after a week of not broadcasting would I come back talking about scrupulosity and antinomianism. Well, there could be a lot of reasons, because I have spent my life I feel, in a lot of ways experiencing the scrupulosity. Now, just let's make it very clearly. People who suffer from scrupulosity, they're not perfect. They do mess up, they do sin, but it but that that's because don't think this is just because someone has suffering from scrupulosity, they're always going to be perfect. No, they're just going to be living in a constant state of probably knowing that they're not perfect.

13:15 And I've talked about my struggles with this and I and I may go into more detail because this is obviously going to turn into a series, but I've talked about that just at different times. I can remember failures that I made all the way back from the first month of being a Christian. I can remember every failure, every mistake, whether it was internal, whether it was external. I am oh man, I mean, I try to I try to be. I mean. One of the things I constantly say here in this podcast is that I'm I'm a sinner with a microphone, that I'm a failure. In fact, I've had people emailed me, You're you're obsessed with your failures. You just give it a rest already. But I constantly tell people about my own failures and my own and because I am so aware of them. Our discussion about, you know, law and grace, a gospel mindset, a grace mindset versus a law mindset. I've kind of talked about a little bit of this so I can relate to scrupulosity.

14:15 Do I have the psychological disorder? There's times I think I do, But you know what, there's other times I'm like, I'm kind of an Antiinomian. I'm kind of morally relaxed, like I just don't. Maybe because I've become so tired and burnt out, then I just don't care. I don't. Maybe I struggle with both. Maybe there's a little bit of both in all of us. So this topic obviously would be something that I could talk about at any time. But during my week of not broadcasting, I came across an article that was published this week. It was published this week, and the headline was when spiritual disciplines took over my life. When spiritual disciplines took over my life. Now, when I saw the headline, my original thought was, Wow, your spiritual disciplines. You finally got to a point with your spiritual disciplines that it took over your life. Okay, I need to read this because I am not very good at this, because I was really struggling this week with the concept. Okay, let's just say this is the end of my podcast, So what is that going to mean for my spiritual life? Like I was doing a lot of soul searching about that, because whether this is right or whether this is wrong this podcast, I've said this so many times, this is not even really a

15:47 I know this is wrong to say it's not even really about ministering to you guys as much as it's about ministering to myself. This is where I'm just kind of think about this. It's just a microphone where I sit in a study in a room trying to figure out my own spiritual life, right where I struggle with do I believe this? And do I believe that? And what about this? And what about that? And what about this? More so than trying to preach to you, it's more about you listening to me struggle with me. Right, So, but not a lot of people perceive it that way. Right. Their perception is, oh, he's he's No, I'm just a center with a microphone trying to figure it out. So if that was gone, then where does that take place?

16:32 Do I just walk around an empty house going trying to do the same thing. But like it would like, I don't know, I don't, I don't know what happens to my I don't, I don't, I don't. Like there's a lot of things to that. So I was like, okay, well, okay, so maybe I will read this article because if the podcast has gone, how can I get to a point where the spiritual discipline so overtake my life that I even forget that I even had a podcast, right that I have been broadcasting for like thirty years. What you know, because basically, from the moment I became a Christian, I've had an immediate outlet to whatever I take in, I can immediately give out. Whether I'm teaching at a Christian school, whether I'm doing devotionals, Bible studies, teaching Sunday school, whatever the case, There's always been an outlet, Right. So with that outlet was gone, would I still be spiritually? Would I focus on spiritual disciplines?

17:25 Like? What do I do? So? I was. I was immediately intrigued by the title because that's the way I was thinking when spiritual disciplines took over my life? But then I read what was underneath it understanding religious religious OCD. That's obsessive compulsive disorder understanding religious OCD. And then I was like, WHOA, this is not about like spiritual disciplines took over my life in a good way. This is an article about spiritual disciplines taking over your life and an obsessive compulsive disorder type way. I'm like, Oh, okay, all right, do I really want to read this is this, I'm like, Okay, religious OCD, religious OCD? Do I have religious OCD? Do I have religious OCD? So then I started asking myself, hmm, I wonder if my because you know, I've talked about it from so many times almost from day one, you know, I was obsessed with reading and studying and Bible studies and listening to sermons. So then I was like, I wonder if if all of this has always been has it been spiritually motivated or have I been fleshly? And it's a religious obsessive compulsive disorder that what's played out over my life of being a

18:56 Christian has nothing been spiritual. It's all been fleshly. It's a religious compulsive disorder. I wonder if my podcasting is more fleshly than it is spiritual. And I just have a religious obsessive compulsive disorder. So that so that's where I was thinking. So underneath that, there's a picture of a woman. She's got her hands together like she's praying. She's got her face down on her hands and they're on a Bible. And obviously here's a woman who's passionately, you know, crying out to God. Right but now in that picture takes on a whole new context like is she doing that because she loves God? Is she's doing that because she loves the Bible? Is she's doing that because she's religious? Or is she Is that a picture of someone suffering from religious OCD or scrupulosity? Is this someone really suffering from a religious obsessive compulsive disorder? And I'd be like, well, that's that picture. Then take instead of looking at that, going that's convicting. That may be like, oh, lady, lady, lady, lady, put the Bible away, stop, stand up, go away, just go find something else to do. So the first paragraph.

20:11 Martin Luther and John Bunyan are familiar names in church. History because of how they've encouraged the faith of Christians around the world and across time, but they also have something lesser known in common. Biographers speculate that Martin Luther and John Bunyan may have had a religious subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder called scrupulosity. And I was like, wow, now with Luther, I am not an expert on Bunyan. Okay, I'm not saying I'm an expert on Luther, but I have read studied Luther.

21:00 I'm much more. I mean, I was a Lutheran for crying aloud. I wanted to become a Lutheran pastor. So I'm very much more familiar with Luther. Right, I'm very much with his writings, with his sermons. I'm very much more familiar with him, his history. Bunyan, I'm not with Luther. I could see where you could say he had, you know, he had scrupulosity, he had religious OCD. I could see that next paragraph Luther struggled with insecurity. I just hit the microphone. I apologize. Luther struggled with insecurity about his salvation and was plagued daily with intrusive thoughts regarding particular sins, perpetually battling urgis to blaspheme God. Can you imagine that he was plagued every day with intrusive thoughts regarding particular sins and perpetually battling urges to blaspheme God. He literally had urges he wanted to blaspheme God, but he was just intrusive thoughts regarding particular sins. Now, I definitely have that where I can just be, I can be doing anything and be taking a shower next thing. You know, I'm remembering sins I've committed ten years ago, fifteen years ago.

22:22 And it may not even be it may have not even been an external way. It may have been just an internal thought or an internal desire, and I will be eaten away with it. I know every failure, I know every mistake. I definitely have that inside of me. But then there's other parts of me that'll be like, you know whatever, who cares like So, I feel like I'm somewhat conflicted on this. Maybe you. But then he had perpetual urges to blaspheme, God, that's that's crazy. In a similar way, and I'm paraphrasing here a little bit.

23:06 Bunyan notes in his memoir Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners how he obsessed over any potential sinful thought or action and continuously feared being dis destined to Hell. This escalated to the point that he started to forego activities he enjoyed, like bell, ringing and playing games less the enjoyment led him to sin. Now I have struggled with those same issues I have gone So it's been like a wild roller coaster in my Christian life. Okay, what well, I'm going to stop everything. All I'm going to do is listen to him's sermons, read my Bible, pray. I'm getting rid of everything. And then it would be like, well, now I'm going to do that. Well, now I'm not going to do this now. Over time, once kids came along, well that kind of once you have a family, you can't go. You can't you can't fluctuate wildly, right, you can't, right because everyone now there is being impacted by it, right, everyone else is being impacted by So I had to kind of just try to figure things out. There were still some wild fluctuations, which you know, probably was very damaging to my kids. But I was I was limited, right, But if I did not have that, I would be all over the place. You know, I'd probably be like I'm just going to do this and nothing else. And then I'd be like, well, no, forget, I'm gonna do that, because I would be greatly conflicted. Now, this is how the International OCD Foundation defines scrupulosity. So this is like

24:43 the technical official definition from the International OCD Foundation scrupulosity. It involves religious or moral obsession. Religious or moral obsession. Now, see this is very difficult, right, Because on one hand, you could be religious and have moral obsession because you love God, you are pursuing God, you have a greater desire for God than maybe other people, and it's spiritual, it's healthy. But I think there's times where someone's religious or moral obsession is not being driven from a spiritual perspective.

25:31 It's fleshly, it's psychological, it's a disorder, and it's damaging. That's where this becomes very difficult and trying to find that correct understanding of this. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine. Even if they think it, even if they feel it, even if it's all internal, very little external, it doesn't matter. They will become obsessed with it. They will be eaten alive with it, even if it never Now. On one hand, we should be bothered by every internal wrong desire. We should be bothered by it because it shows us that even if we do things correct externally, we're still a bunch of sinners. Internally. It should bother us. But at the same time, there's got to be a correct way to handle it, right The term scrupulosity was actually coined before obsessive compulsive disorder. It was derived from the Latin word, which has translated a sharp rock, implying a stabbing pain on the conscience. Swear the conscience is just being eaten away,

27:03 eaten away. I'm a sinner, I'm a failure. I'm never gonna be good enough. I'm never gonna do enough. I need to do more. I need to do more. I need to read my Bible more. I need to pray more. I need to go to church more. I need to listen to more sermons. I need to do this. I need to do more Bible studies. Because you're making up for the failure. You are overcompensating doing all the But you're not doing these things for religious reasons. You're doing these things simply to ease your own conscience. You're just doing things. Sometimes people will do this, they will go and confess something more to ease their own conscience. It's for their benefit. It's not even really about God, because they're conscience just like they got a knife in it.

27:49 They're being eaten away, and so we overcome. So then I have to ask, how many religious things have I done? Bible reading, praying, teach, preaching, podcasting is at all simply been to overcompensate the thing stabbing in my conscience, which is a twenty four to seven, never ending voice that constantly says, you're a center. You're a center. You're a center. You're a center. You're a center. You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a hypocrite. You're not godly, you're not good. You're pathetic, you're weak, you're disgusting, you're vile. You don't deserve anything.

28:32 You shouldn't be preaching. You shouldn't be teaching. You shouldn't even be touching a Bible. You're disgusting. You should probably just die like But I overcompensate with that. But if I do, look, nobody's read the Bible more than me, nobody studies more than me, nobody knows theology better than me. Nobody's done as many hours of broadcasting as me. Nobody I've made. Haven't I made up for all of my wrong? Haven't I look? Look at all the good? This is the bad? Come on? Come on? Doesn't that do it? And And even if it pleases anybody else, it will never please me. Scrupulosity still manifest and believers today, perhaps even among church members.

29:22 How can pastors and church leaders recognize and minister to a member wrestling with scrupulosity. Often people with the struggle are difficult to identify due to their apparently thriving spiritual lives. See outwardly, you appear to be thriving. They may be like they're the spiritual people, they're the godly ones, they're they're in fact, they may even get the praise and the recognition. But if it's if it's scrupulosity driving it, that's a horrible thing. So I want you to draw that picture of a person and I want you to have scrupulosity on one side, antiinomianism on the other, or moral laxity on the other. I want you to have that, and I just want you to see that as a visual image of this. Now, obviously there's got to be a balance. We don't want scrupulosity, we don't want antinomianism.

30:17 We need to find a balance. Maybe over I don't know how many different broadcasts we'll do discussing this, but we have to figure out how not to operate under the motivation of a well a psychological disorder, an obsessive compulsive disorder, because there's nothing We're not doing anything to please God. We're just we're having We're doing things simply to battle our own psychological disorder. God is not even in it. God is there, but everything's being done because of a psychological battle inside yourself. This is very difficult to because at the same time, you don't want to look at someone who's striving to be godly, reading their Bible, listening to sermons, doing Bible studies, like I would hate to be the person. Like someone emails me and they're like, oh, I've done this and here's this assignment and this assignment, and I send back going, well, I clearly you need to go see a psychologist because you have a religious OCD that would you don't do that right. You don't want to discourage actual pursuit of God. But when you notice possibly scrupulosity inside someone, you want to definitely help them.

31:37 But I think mainly this is where each individual has to look inside themselves. Can't I can't diagnose anybody with it. I can't. That's hard enough figuring out me. I definitely know there's some elements of this in me. Here's the author of this article. And this article can be found at the Gospel Coalition dotorg. The Gospel Coalition dot org. I'll try to maybe I'll send I don't know if I'll send a link out on the church one app, but you can find it the Gospel Coalition dot org. But here's how this article continues. And a lot and the beginning of this was from different sources. So I've combined some things, but then some of this I'm reading straight through. So I'm trying to trying to add and and we'll be adding more to this from different sources.

32:29 But this is how this article begins. As a high schooler, I read my Bible for an hour or more each day, even if it meant waking up at four am to have enough time. I taught Sunday school, read dozens of theology books, and and organized fundraising for nonprofits. I memorized Efesians from start to finish. I kelped. I kept an alphabetized prayer journal with requests from dozens of people, some of whom I hardly knew. I paid for strangers groceries. I started conversations with strangers at parks. School or at the airport, to try to witness to them. None of this came naturally to me. I'd rather say, stay hidden in the crowd anywhere I go. Now that sounds like someone who's doing all kinds of things. Now, some of that, A lot of that I can relate to. I was reading my Bible more than an hour a day. I mean, no question, I was reading. He says, dozens of theology books.

33:27 I was reading a theology book. I felt like a week I was. I was spending hours in any library I could find that had stacks of books. I was reading, studying. I can't even tell you how many I had a very disciplined time that I would listen to this sermon or this sermon, or this or this preacher or this preacher or this ministry. I mean I was, I was there right, there was a but I would have told you I was out of love for God. I would I would not have been able. Looking back, I may see that it was something else. But I also I'm very aware of even though I was doing all of that, I was still a sinner, still sinning, still struggling, still failing.

34:09 So but I felt like every failure I could somehow excuse the failure from all the good I was doing. So then was I doing it just to ease my conscience? Was I? Like, what what was my motivation? Now this art? This person goes on to say, I did not include this list to flaunt my spiritual track record, but to highlight what was going on behind it. From the outside, I appeared to be thriving, but in reality I struggled with severe case of scrupulosity. Now this is an individual going, hey, I did all of these things, but the reality was I was suffering from scrupulosity. Now they'll be I know, they'll be preachers, they'll be they'll be going, you're condemning someone trying to live for God. No I'm not. I'm trying to say, sometimes what appears to be living for God is simply a obsessive compulsive disorder, and that has nothing to do with God. This article continues, scrupulosity can be jaw dropping deceptive. Spiritual disciplines are essential for growth, and we want to encourage one another to practice them.

35:39 But there's a difference between healthy spiritual practice and someone who's struggling with OCD. Since the outward behaviors may look the exact same, So we have to look below the surface to identify scrupulosity. I agree, it's absolutely jaw dropping deceptive because it will look like, hey, here's someone doing healthy spiritual practices for all the right reasons. They love God, they're pursuing God. They should convict us. And then there's someone else who's doing the exact same things. But it's all not good and we should not be convicted by that.

36:20 We should feel sorry for them and want to help them. How can you tell the difference? In this article they name a book. The book is called A Still and Quiet Mind. A Still and Quiet Mind by Esther Smith Esther Smith. In Esther Smith's book on intrusive thoughts, A Still and Quiet Mind, she lists the warning signs of someone struggling with scrupulosity. Now, I would challenge everyone to look up this book. I'm going to copy the link.

37:02 You can get it at Amazon. Okay, I'm going to close this. I'm going to paste and go A Still and Quiet Mind Twelve Strategies for Changing Unwanted Thoughts by Esther Smith. This was published June the twenty second, twenty twenty two, at Least and paperback. You can get it for thirteen twenty nine paperback or nine ninety nine for a kindle. A Still and Quiet Mind again, twelve Strategies for Changing Unwanted thoughts. I would challenge everyone to get a copy of this book. Esther Smith, get a copy of this book, A Still and Quiet Mind, Twelve Strategies for Changing unwanted thoughts. This would be one of those situations where if I had money, I would give away as many copies of this as I could, because I think any if it contains a chapter dealing with scrupulosity, then that would be that would be very worth your time to look at. I'm going to go back to the article where it mentions this book. This is what it says and Esther Smith's book on intrusive thoughts I Still in Quiet Mind. She lists warning signs of someone struggling with scrupulosity. Here are the warning signs. Doubting whether you're truly saved? Now see for now, see this is the problem. What many Christians would do is be like, no, doubting your salvation can be a good thing, because it may show that you're not really saved, and now you need to get saved. I say, see This is going to be very difficult to even diagnose, but I would

38:34 say this is what I would say. When scrupulosity is where you become so preoccupied with I've got to do this and this and this and this and this to prove that I'm saved, that what that is. Scrupulosity will lead you to a law based understanding. It will lead you to a legalistic understanding where you're going to try to prove your salvation based on what you do versus trusting in the imputed righteousness of Christ. Now, there are some theologies that lead to a scrupulosity way of thinking. Even though it's not telling you to have the compulsive disorder, it leads to it because it's like your salvation has proved by what you do do instead of saying, no, your salvation is proven by the finished work of Jesus Christ.

39:17 Go trust in that. So, in a sense, we've already been kind of fighting a scrupulosity way of thinking, and our discussion on law and gospel fears regarding now here's another sign. Fears regarding specific sins, such as a fear of committing the unpardonable sin or grieving the Holy Spirit, or a constant concern about whether a certain thought or action is sinful or not. Who s where you're just constantly well, I'm thinking this, and I'm desiring this, and I'm struggling with this, and I'm doing this, and I'm doing that, and I'm doing this. Now. On one hand, that's a good thing, because you need to be constantly aware of your sin, and then it should make you run to Christ and then you should find absolution. You should find and forgiveness, you should find peace. But I think this is what happens is even though you know you're saved by the imputed rightchousness of Christ, you can't kick the never ending voice saying you're a failure. You're a failure, You're a failure, You're a failure, which I think then in turns kicks in. I gotta be more disciplined.

40:20 I gotta read more. I gotta pray more. I gotta listen to sermons more. I gotta finish this Bible study. I gotta do this. I gotta do this, I gotta do this. I gotta do it. But you're doing it simply to try to erase your conscience. Your scrupulosity is leading to the spiritual disciplines, not your love for God and truthive thoughts related to blaspheming or angering God, Fears related to specific verses in the Bible that talk about judgment, hell, or other difficult topics. Since scrupulosity is a form of OCD, those who struggle with it experience intense anxiety or fear over something, over something their obsession, and they attempt to cope with that fear by developing habits to help relieve it, their compulsiony compulsion, although the relief is only temporary, so they obsess over their fear, worry. They have fear, worry, anxiety, guilt, and then they try to cope with that by a compulsion, but it only is temporary. No matter how much you read, no matter how many broadcasts you do, no matter how many sermons you preach, you go back to the anxiety and fear because you know you're a sinner. You're a sinner, You're a failure, You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a failure. You're a failure, You're a failure. So then what do you It's like, what do you do? Like for me, I'm just see this is just fully transparent.

41:49 It's almost like, in some ways I need the broadcast because then I have something tangible to go. Look at how many broadcasts I did. Look Look, it's right there on the internet. I've got over almost over four thousand. Look at that. Nobody broadcasts more than me, Nobody does more hours of work and study than I do. I do more work, I do more study. But it's my compulsion to deal with my obsession, which is my never ending awareness of my own shortcomings and my own failures. So therefore my religiosity is simply a cover for my obsession of my own sin and failure, knowing I'm never doing anything right, knowing I'm never going to do anything right, which then at times can lead to for me, it almost can lead me to just saying, you know what, forget it, forget it? Who cares what I do? Who cares what I do? Who cares? Then almost to a moral laxity, which then goes back to then leading to the obsession, then leads to the compulsion, and then it's like I'm trapped in a will and I can't get off, and nobody will make it stop. Now my only hope has ever been well, I can't worry about other people.

43:01 I can't worry about what anybody else thinks. I know the reality is my only hope is in the imputed righteousness of Christ. And then that can make the will stop. But then I'll get right back on the will and go start running again in circles or running going nowhere. Common obsessions associated with scrupulosity are as listed by the OCD Anxiety Center are repetitive thoughts about having committed a sin, a fear of offending God with one's actions or attitudes, fear of having blasphemous thoughts, fear of loss of endpulse control, fear of a loss of salvation by sinning. Some compulsions to cope with these fears maybe repetitive or excessive prayers, rereading text or prayers until it feels just right. Repetitive excessive confession, and repeatedly asking the same questions of church leaders or family members, usually with the need of assurance of salvation or moral standing. Now for me again. This is where I don't know if I fit the clinical definition, but yeah, the repetitive confession to God, I usually to God, may be confessing to others over and over and over and over, and over. But for me, I think I try to cover it up with all of my excessive they say, excessive reading and praying. I do with excessive maybe studying and broadcasting. I think maybe my compulsion becomes my broadcasting because I'm overcompensating for my obsession, which is

44:33 my awareness of my own failure. Which so the thing is, if I never broadcast. So here's the thing. Okay, So I know I'm a sinner. I know. So here's where it really comes down to. Okay, you know you're and some of you may not even be relating to any of this, and that's okay. I may be the only one, and that's okay. If I'm the only one. Here's the question I had to ask myself. And I was asking myself this question this week. Okay, So I'm a sinner, I'm a failure. Okay, gotcha? All right? Fact, nobody can deny that right now. If I never pick up a Bible again, if I never do another broadcast again, if I never even go to church again, can I truly rest and truly find peace simply in the imputed righteousness of Christ? Can I simply say I'm a sinner, but I'm just gonna find perfect peace and rest in the imputed righteousness of Christ. I'm not gonna make up for it by doing anything. I'm just gonna say, hey, I'm a sinner. Even if I if I never pick up a Bible again, if I never do anything religious again, I'm okay because of the imputed righteousness of Christ. Can I truly bring myself to say, okay, done with everything, no more anything, Just wipe my I'm not doing anything.

45:59 I'm just gonna sit here now. I know some people say, well, that proves you're never saved, okay, which then only leads to the scrupulosity way of thinking. What I'm trying to do is could you find Can you find yourself at complete peace with your salvation and with God, knowing that it's all based off the imputed righteousness of Christ, not based on what you do. I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't think I could. I think what I would do is then convince myself that Christianity is not real and become an atheist and just give up. As much as I preach the imputed righteousness of Christ. I don't think I could just say, well, I've got the imputed righteousness of Christ. I don't need anything else. I find peace and comfort in that. I don't know if I could, because I have to make up for it somehow. The International OCD Foundation points out that a person with scrupulosity can often be identified by the way she obsessively, by the way says she, by the way she I would say he or she, by the way they obsessively fixates on one, sometimes trivial area of her or their religious practice, while other more important areas may be completely ignored. For example, I become overly concerned about the sin of gluttony to

47:30 the point I was afraid to have a snack if I did didn't truly need it, which resulted in disorder eating habits. Even a brief teaching on glutty would consume my thoughts, while sermons about critical doctrines of the faith took little hold in my mind. So this is where scrupulosity can be. Sometimes you become fixated on just one thing, one thing, sometimes trivial, and I'd be that's sin, that's sin, that's sin. That's sin, that's sin, that's sin, and all and everything else just high kind of goes to the that you become consumed with that. I don't know if I ever have just one. I think I'm just overly concerned with awe. I think I am, But I do understand taking going to you know, you can go to ridiculous levels. I'm more like, you know, you know, as Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mound, if your right hand you know, cause you justin cut it off.

48:33 I'm more for like chopping off the hand and ripping out the eye. Now, at the same time, philologically, I know the real issue is not the hand or the eye. It's what's inside of me. But I can't rip out what's inside of me. So I sometimes want to go to extreme measures externally because then I'm like, that'll fix it. But it won't fix it because even if I cut everything off externally, I'm still left for the internal reality. So then I'm still sitting. So then I become compulsive. Then then I got to figure out what I'm going to do to make up for the internal heart. Well, there are some common indicators. Scrupulosity can take different forms depending on the sufferer's personality, So that's good. I'm glad that they say that, because I believe if I don't know if I have the psychological disorder, but I know that mine has its own form. In other words, there's enough scrupulosity in me that is unique to me, that has had a profound impact over my religious pursuit, my spiritual journey, that is very unique to me, that may not quite fit the category perfectly. That's what I want you to do. It doesn't matter if you say, well, i've been diagnosed with the oc Well, if you have OCD, if you've been diagnosed with I cannot determine. Now. I gotta be careful here. I cannot say this in a dogmatic assertion. And my mind would say, if you've been diagnosed with OCD, any type of obsessive compulsive disorder, then

50:04 I would think scrupulosity would be a very high probability. I could be wrong. I don't know if there's any clinical proof of that, but to me, if you've got OCD, why wouldn't that slide over into your religious life? Whereas I now this is the author goes on to say, whereas I tried to cope with my anxiety about striving to measure up, I knew others who tended toward doubt and despair because they recognized they couldn't measure up versus. Like Mark three twenty nine, whoever blasphingings against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness perpetually haunted them as blasphemous and trusive thoughts relentlessly circulated through their minds? Do you have?

50:46 And I see to me, this is all the way I've always coped with it. Come on, everyone out there. Now, maybe this is my own way, and you may disagree with me, but I think if you put you take away all religious garb, all of our religious external garbage, all of our fig leaves. Come on, everyone out there. You got some thoughts and you got some desires that nobody may even know about, and you know they're sinful. See. I think everyone has sinful, blasphemous thoughts. I think everyone does. Now. Maybe that's me over me, over compensating, or me trying to justify my own sinful reality, But come on, everyone does, I think everybody, Because we have a sinful nature. Where does all external sin arises from? What's in all sin? Everything?

51:40 Everything external comes from in. It's all the garb. It's not garbage and garbage out. The garbage is already in okay, the garbage out as a reflect. Nobody has to put the garbage in. We're born with the garbage in, so our minds. Maybe maybe they're not as intrusive to you as maybe they are to me, But the intrusive they've been that way forever. Now, maybe those with scrupulosity are far more bothered by them and aware of them were Others just kind of like okay and just move on, and they don't give it much thought. Where the person who has scrupulosity, they're gonna be like, oh wait, I have that thought. Oh no, okay, okay, I'm gonna at least for me, I'm gonna broadcast five hours today to make up for that thought. Well that's now, I'm not now pleading. Some of you are gonna go back, and now you're gonna go through. This is what some of you are doing right now. You can stop it. Some of you are going through right now, going oh look, look, look, hey, kids, come look. He broadcasted for five hours that day. He obviously was struggling with some sin on that day. It doesn't always work out that way, okay, So don't sit there trying to figure out which days I was struggling with it sometimes. Look, I know this is hard to believe.

52:57 Sometimes I broadcast for five hours because I want to and I love to. There's very much a part of that as well, all right. I'm just trying to be honest with the times where the scrupulosity I think is kicking in. I think there's a mixture. I mean, I hope you can hear how much I also love doing this as well. All right, there's times where I feel like there can be different motivations. When scrupulosity affected me most, it was actually harmful to receive praise for my devotion and example. I depended on that praise, but it only poured more fuel on the fire of my scrupulosity. It made me feel trapped, like if I didn't keep up my spiritual disciplines and service, I wouldn't be this super Christian anymore. And that had become my identity. Oh man, that became my identity in some ways, I feed I fed on that. How well I knew the scriptures? How much?

53:51 Oh how do you do all of these broadcasts and go to school? How many degrees do you have in theology? Wow? How do you do this? How? Wow? That sermon was so good because it became my identity was yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My identity is I'm super Christian. Now now, deep down I know I'm not. I'm a sinner, but I say I've got to do so in some ways I need it. It made me need the positive feedback. But then I felt trapped, and I have felt trapped sometimes. I think that sometimes have led to me struggling with the podcast. There's times I feel trapped, Well, this is my identity, My Christian life is the podcast. What if I lose the podcast? Am I even a Christian anymore? Because then what do I do with my obsession over my sin?

54:41 I don't have the compulsion, I don't have the outlet. There's times I felt utterly handcuffed to this microphone and this computer, like I am trapped. I will I'm in hell and I can't get out because I have to do this. My entire spiritual identity is attached to this. There's no way out because where else am I going to get any any praise? Where else am I going to get any anything? I'm skipping a lot of this.

55:31 The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation c c F offers helpful resources on scrupulosity and OCD and the CCF affiliated Biblical counseling centers can be monumental in helping a person understand his brain, learn effective tools for calming his anxiety, and find freedom from the tyranny of compulsions. It ends with this. The moral of the story is the outwardly pious, content and joyful church member can be struggling just as much as the cynical, depressed and withdrawn. Let's pray for the Spirit's help to see our brothers and sisters who are suffering, even if they don't appear to be now.

56:28 The article is entitled When Spiritual Disciplines took over My life? Understanding Religious Religious OCD I was published August the fourteenth by Christian Friends. You can find it Theology Central at the Gospel Coalition dorg. Please look it up. I skipped some parts there that you may want to read. I didn't read all of it, so I want you to go look at their article themselves. Want to make sure they get the credit for it. I have I put I labeled this part one. I may I may keep it, I may remove the part one, and then we'll just kind of see what the reaction is. And then if I do a part two instead, I'm making it a part two, I'll give it a different title. But there we didn't really get to the other the opposite. Look, there is scoop scrupulosity, right, the scrupulosity, and then the equal and opposite era would be the antinomianism and the moral laxity where you're just like, you just don't care, you just don't care about what you do. And we don't need scrupulosity. All right, we don't need that. And I'm finding a thing here, Yeah, scrupulosity. We don't need scrupulosity, and we don't need antiinomianism. We need a balance. We need a balance. So I don't know what the balance quite looks like. I think the balance has a little bit of scrupulosity there, that concern, that passion, that zill,

58:02 that being sensitive, but there's also not moral laxity, but there is awesome. So I don't think moral laxity fits into the balance. I think a little bit of the scrupulosity, a little bit of that passion, zill and concern, but for the right reason. So we don't want to call it scrupulosity, but a passion and zillin concern because we love God, but also a calm and a laxity that we trust and relax in the imputed righteousness of Christ. I don't know what we call the balanced view, but we need it. Scrupulosity is a psychological disorder. It's an obsessive compulsive disorder. It's a subtype of an obsessive compulsive disorder.

58:58 It's connected very much to OCD. It's a religious form of OCD. Now, one of the most difficult things of the Christian life has always been what's your what's your motivation? Why are you doing what you're doing? One of the most difficult things about Christianity is a very a never ending reality, a never ending awareness that God is just as concerned about the internal is he as the external. And that leads me to almost the point of insanity, because I know, no matter what I do externally, no matter what I do, no matter what I do externally, I know, deep down, I know, and I know, and I know, and I know and I know and I know and I know, and I know how flawed I am internally. So then I become My compulsion is then to make up for that by doing doing things, studying more than I feel trapped that I got to keep doing those things. Now, yeah, I can pat myself on the back of all the things I haven't done externally or you've abstained from this, you've abstained from this, you didn't do this, And I'm glad I didn't do that.

1:00:18 But I'm very aware of what I am internally. Can you relate to a religious OCD. We got to free ourselves from that. We have to free ourselves. We can become so obsessed that our actions, even if we're true, you know, maybe to confess, we're doing so more simply for us. It's about us. It's not even about God. I'm confessing it not because I'm worried about God now because I'm worried about sin. It's because because I us, so my compulsion is to confess so that I make everything right for me. We don't even really worry about anybody else. We're only worried about ourselves. That that's oh, that's that's I think I can. Luther confessed and confessed and confessed and confessed and confessed and confessed because I think he clearly was suffering from scrupulosity. That doesn't mean we should never confess. I'm not saying that everything is really about the motivation for Our hope is in Christ.

1:01:49 Our hope is in what he has done. Our hope is in his righteousness. Our hope is in his finished work. That's where we have to find peace. All right, I'll just call this scrupulosity. I won't give it a part one for now, and then we'll see reaction to Now, see, I could say that am I doing Do I want the reaction for the right reason. I don't, you know what. I'm not gonna worry about reaction. I'm just gonna leave this here, not even going to ask for feedback, not gonna worry about feedback. And what I'm going to do is then just determine how much I want to talk about this moving forward, and if you need to, we'll do more. I'll maybe turn it into a series. Well we'll figure this out. But scrupulosity is a real issue that no one talks about. But I have every church, every church, your family. I guarantee you there's people with scrupulosity.

1:02:44 I guarantee you they have They maybe they don't have the full blown disorder. But they they, they, they are more operating from that way of thinking. And and there needs we need the balance. We don't want to go to moral laxity. We don't want scrupulosity. We want something what do we call the middle, the healthy, balanced Christian life, which few ever truly find it. I know I haven't, and I've been a Christian for a long time, and I've been trying to walk this spiritual journey with all its twist turns, ups and downs, with failures and successes and victories. And I've yet to find the balanced Christian life. If you figure it out, let me know. Thanks for listening, everyone, have a great day. God bless