The Moment I Faced My Crack Addiction — And Decided to Live

Joanie Sigal: Tara Peterson, thank you for willing to be on the podcast today ⁓ and for sharing your story.

Tara Peterson: Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm really ⁓ glad to be here.

Joanie Sigal: Great. So you have your own history of addiction or substance abuse, whatever you want to call it. But tell us a little tell us about that and what got you started, like what was behind that? 'Cause I know based on what I read you focus a lot on kind of what the underlying cause is of someone becoming someone abusing substance.

Tara Peterson: definitely thanks for that. so for me, getting addicted wasn't about, you know, trying to escape from pain or partying just for the sake of partying. It was more so I had issues that just held me back from really reaching my potential. Whether it was people telling me, you know, you didn't apply yourself, you could do better, you could be more organized. And I You know, I'm from Wisconsin, so a lot of people know the culture up there. It's drinking and just being part of the crowd. So ⁓ my whole story doesn't stay away from, you know, the traditional just getting to just drink just to drink. and in that kind of crowd and lifestyle of, you know, going out on the weekends and still managing life, somebody introduced me to cocaine for the first time. How old were you? ⁓ 17. Okay. And in the moment that I inhaled it, clarity set in and I just fell in love with the feeling. ⁓ it made me feel like I could I could perform and function. I guess where the danger with that came in for me is when you're trying to self-medicate without getting down to the root of the mental health concerns. you're just doing it thinking the substance is fixing you. It's doing everything for you. But it just became the well, essentially the solution became the problem. It, you know, it hooked me in. I I ended up using getting addicted for quite a while. I did have a couple of bouts where I stopped using. And then led me back into using because I never addressed what was underneath. I never went to therapy and when I did it was, you ⁓ know, one one or two sessions and then, ⁓ this isn't helping. Right. So

Joanie Sigal: know, one thing we've we've talked about a lot of times a lot with other people who are in recovery is that you said it and then you change it a little bit, but s drugs actually become the solution. ⁓ are a solution to an earlier problem. ⁓ think, ⁓ the drugs are the problem, but you have to get below that and find out what was the problem for which ⁓ drugs became the solution. Granted, then the drugs do become the problem, but I think initially, like for you, as you were saying, it was a solution for feeling better about yourself and more confident. So d h how did were you at a party? Did was it just friends that introduced you or?

Tara Peterson: Yeah, it was just a friend, ⁓ a friend of my at the time boyfriend who popped over and just happened to have it and said, Hey here, do you wanna try this? And just like that I I did. It wasn't that I was seeking it out, it just presented itself.

Joanie Sigal: And you were off and running, as they say. Off and run. And so for how long were you pretty actively using cocaine?

Tara Peterson: Mm-hmm. ⁓ So honestly, in the beginning I was still in high school in a small town. It wasn't something that was readily available, but knowing that feeling and always wanting that feeling, when I moved to a bigger city, I moved to another town in Wisconsin to go to school and to get on my feet and it became accessible. And once it did, it it was just something that was always part of my life. ⁓ so even up until two years ago when almost two years when I got sober, it was always in the background.

Joanie Sigal: Did you ⁓ understood? Did you progress to anything beyond cocaine or was it always pretty much cocaine?

Tara Peterson: Yeah, actually two times ⁓ I fell into a cycle of a crack addiction. ⁓ the first time I was nineteen and an older guy showed me how to access all the cocaine I wanted, by actually becoming a dancer and free money all the time, just coming in so I had all the access. And one day he essentially just handed me a pipe and said, Here, try it this way. I got hooked and I fought that for a year. ⁓ and it that wasn't ⁓ treating my problem. ⁓ with the co with the cocaine it always was, and then it became fun, but the crack was different. It got its hooks in me, and I just ⁓ ⁓ do it for the feeling, that short, ⁓ short feeling. ⁓ luckily I was able to get away from it for several years. ⁓ but away from my problems and never away from ⁓ use in general, ⁓ led to the last ⁓ five years ⁓ I've been, you know, fighting addiction and now in recovery that was a little more severe than just a cocaine ⁓

Joanie Sigal: So that was crack as well, like before you got sober that was crack as well. I got it. I got it. How how did it affect like your schooling, your career, whatever it is you were going after?

Tara Peterson: Yeah, it was. That's the thing. So that's the dangerous part, is for me with ⁓ I had AD, I have ADHD. So the stimulant use was helpful. It accelerated me. I was, you know, thinking I was in control of it. I thought this is something that's gonna get me further. And for a while it did, you know, I I pushed through, I went to school. ⁓ finished school, I got into a couple of different careers in real estate, insurance, and you know, investing in a home and things like that. ⁓ but it was always me looking for the next thing. It was never satisfying, it was never enough. And when it comes to impact, ⁓ you know, you're in denial. You're saying, This is not. This is not my problem, this is my solution, like we were talking about earlier. But then eventually the solution becomes a problem that needs to be solved.

Joanie Sigal: What made you ⁓ decide ⁓ address as a problem and get clean and sober? What what happened? We we initially the first title for this was initially The Point of No Return. It's still there. But we wanted to know what is it that gets someone to the point where they go, ⁓ I am gonna die or I'm gonna end up in prison because I have to handle this. What was that for you?

Tara Peterson: So it was it wasn't just one rock bottom moment. It was for me a series over a couple of years of trying to get better. But the first initial I need help moment was I just kept getting getting crack. Well, I get cocaine, I make it into crack and it just I was hiding it, still performing, still functioning as a wife, as a mother. ⁓ my husband at the time and I both worked from home. And I was smoking crack in an office eight feet from where he was, and he had no idea. He didn't know. And not at all. And for for over a year this went on. And I I just didn't know how to stop. I knew it had to. ⁓ I just didn't know how. So this was my like first big girl job where I had insurance it and you know, health insurance. And I was like, all right, maybe, maybe I could go to treatment. And So I I just went to him one day. I I pulled up my pockets inside out. I showed him the crack, the pipe that were in that were in my hands. I said, I have a problem. And I was met with a lot of resistance, believe it or not.

Joanie Sigal: Interesting. I mean like how so? How did he react?

Tara Peterson: So his reaction was, What the hell are you doing? People don't develop drug problems in their thirties. ⁓ to a lot of people who don't understand addiction, they believe that it's a choice that you make, that it's, you know, just a young, dumb doing things you shouldn't be doing. And it's so much more than that. And it

Joanie Sigal: May start as a choice, but it does not stay there.

Tara Peterson: Right. I think drug use starts as a choice. Substance use starts as a choice, but addiction is not a choice.

Joanie Sigal: Nobody wakes up and goes, I'm gonna be a drug addict from being out.

Tara Peterson: Absolutely not. so and the other resistance I was met with was the logistics of everything. We had just moved to another state. He was just starting a job where he needed to travel. I had a small well, he was seven. I had a seven year old, and it was just inconvenient. That was the resistance I was met with. But I knew I had to go, so I went, but I didn't I didn't go thinking I need to change me. I went to treatment thinking I just need to stop. That that was the the beginning of a lot of attempts until something changed. And the last time I was in treatment, the reason it was successful is because I went in, I leaned into the program, I went into my counselor and I had. the first day that I had a meeting with him I had a list of about I don't know a thousand things ⁓ I thought were wrong with me. And I said, I need to fix this. I need to fix that. I need to fix this. ⁓ he was like, Wow, that's that's quite a bit. And I was like in tears telling him, I don't think thirty days is gonna be enough. ⁓ I'm sure

Joanie Sigal: So broken. You can't fix me at thirty days.

Tara Peterson: Right, right. And so this time I was addressing more than just the drug use. But he did something great for me and he turned it around and said, That's a lot, but what what's good in you? What you know, what's positive? And I it just shifted my perspective. He said, What are your strengths? And I listed them off. ⁓ I I'm not gonna go through all of ⁓ here, but I listed ⁓ off

Joanie Sigal: See them. You look beautiful and you're yeah.

Tara Peterson: Thanks but it just shifting my perspective to lean into my strengths really helped me identify what the actual work was that needed to be done.

Joanie Sigal: I think that's huge because I think you know so often when someone is addicted they feel guilty, they feel bad, and the people around them can sometimes make them feel bad. And if you don't you have to focus on what's right about the person. You just have to. And even the person themselves has to focus on what's right about themselves because otherwise, why get better? And everybody needs to get better. Do you know what I'm I hope that's making sense?

Tara Peterson: definitely. ⁓ I couldn't agree more. I mean, when I first ⁓ to treatment, ⁓ the finger was pointed at me. You have a problem. You need help. You need to get better. You need to stop. ⁓ at that point, that's ⁓ know, I took it all on as my own burden ⁓ blame myself. My self esteem was low, which ⁓ me to believe I probably couldn't get better. I probably couldn't fix myself and I was probably just stuck. ⁓ shifting that and realizing there are some good things in there, very good qualities that I could use to come out of addiction stronger than ever, ⁓ fighting fighting hand and fist to get where I am today.

Joanie Sigal: And I I think I think that's amazing. And I'm gonna ask you for some specifics in a minute, but ⁓ you know, we've had people say on the podcast you have to approach recovery and sobriety with the same intention, if you will, as you approached your addiction. In other words, if you wake up every morning, how am I gonna get high that day? You have to approach your sobriety as how am I gonna stay sober today? How am I gonna like put everything into being sober today as opposed to everything into going and getting money so I can keep keep getting high? What what Tara, what are some of the tools that you used to stay positive and keep looking at the right thing?

Tara Peterson: Me, ⁓ the the biggest, most helpful thing that happened to me, I was in treatment. There were two things. One was gratitude, just being grateful for the moment, being grateful for recovery, being grateful for the chance at sobriety. And in doing that, it really opened a door for me into a relationship with God that I had never experienced before. My best. Biggest tool is my faith today. Leaning in, knowing that all of my problems I can't solve. I don't have control over what happens. That's God. That's He's got all the control. So if every day I turn to him, I share, hey, I need your help. I can't do this alone. It's it's been an amazing much. easier journey than the other times when I went in without that.

Joanie Sigal: I think that's I think that's fabulous. The and so you've been in recovery or you've been sober for two years, you said. Well, very well done on that. We I'm not I am not a former addict and so I don't have my own personal reality, but I know from talking to so many people in recovery, you know, it's it's not an easy thing because as you well know and I'm

Tara Peterson: Yeah, just about.

Joanie Sigal: preaching to the choir and I apologize. You know, drugs like cra cocaine or crack cocaine, they're not just ⁓ spiritually and mentally addictive, but they're also physically addictive. And so you you have the whole spectrum of what you have to address. And I I from what I understand it's just not easy. And so I I always like to say very well done because you're doing it. You're living it. And w have you been able to like No, it's kinda personal, but are are you back with your husband? I mean, is that still okay? Are you with your child?

Tara Peterson: So never lost my children. ⁓ I have a twenty two year old. I've got now a twelve year old. And

Joanie Sigal: You only look like you're twenty three, so that's a little bit scary, but okay, I'll I'll take it.

Tara Peterson: Thank you. I'll I'll take that. but no, so I still am with you know, the I still have custody of my child my child, my adult child still lives with me for now. And no, I I honestly I felt guilty about this, but I ended up filing for divorce. I left my husband because not because I didn't love him, not because he was not As supportive as he needed, as I felt he should have been. But because in that situation, living together with somebody who didn't understand addiction, it was really hard for me because he would bring alcohol in the house and he would still use here and there recreationally. He didn't have an addiction. ⁓ he still, like a lot of people these days, smoked weed and Those kind of things in my face all the time, I there was no way I was gonna stay sober. And just I know my personality, and I would even frame it to him. Like I was I remember in between treatment centers, I had came to him and I was like, you know, I think I've got this under control and know that I can I can stay sober and just use when I want to. So And don't you want me to be happy? Cocaine makes me happy. Don't you want me to be happy? And so I was able to manipulate him. And I knew that if I stayed in that relationship, there was no chance. I made the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. And we separated.

Joanie Sigal: I I think you had to. you know, w again, from talking to people in recovery, you can't go back to the same lifestyle that contributed to your addiction. You just can't. You have to make a change and I

Tara Peterson: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Joanie Sigal: Exactly. Exactly. So much as I I hate to say it, I think I think you did the right thing. I mean I don't hate to say it, but I mean I understand that it was hard.

Tara Peterson: Yeah, I know I know in my heart it was the right thing, but that it yeah, it hurt.

Joanie Sigal: Understood. So what are you doing now? Are you still doing real estate? Are you still doing insurance? What are you doing? I know you're not doing exotic dancing.

Tara Peterson: No, no. I a little bit past those years. ⁓ I sell insurance for a big company ⁓ I've been employed with them for about six years, even through my addiction, even through treatment. ⁓ was a high functioning addict, but now ⁓ ⁓ still do the insurance, but also I've started writing and that's been a huge help for me in kinda getting to the root of everything and digging deep. So last year I wrote a book. ⁓ it's called Voices to Victories. So I'm kinda dabbling in a future maybe as a writer. ⁓ hoping anyway that it'll be a success. Well

Joanie Sigal: I think that this is why we do the podcast is because you've got a story. It's your own story. It's not the same as every other story that we've had. And I think that your story, just what you're talking to us about today, is gonna is gonna resonate with someone and they're gonna relate to what you have to say. And so I think that writing your story in a book, it's brave to do that, but I think it's it's also ⁓ Excuse me. It can benefit others and I think that's what's important. Say the name of your book again.

Tara Peterson: Sure. It's called Voices to Victories. Okay. That was the biggest part of it is putting it together really allowed me to look at because it's a memoir. It was the most healing thing I have ever done in my life. I was able to look at each step that I've gone through, every bad decision, every, you know, near death moment, everything that's happened throughout my life. And I was actually able to look back and see where God was present in every one of those moments, even though I wasn't ready to listen, even though I didn't believe, even though I was the, you know, the person in denial about all of it, it was really, really something ⁓ that changed my life to be able to write it. And I think everybody has a story in ⁓ And I I love those stories.

Joanie Sigal: I agree. I agree. You didn't mention the near death experiences. I think you left something out of your story.

Tara Peterson: There's a lot of a lot of moments in my book that you'd be surprised at the things that have happened.

Joanie Sigal: Fair enough. Well we'll let people get the book and learn more about it. But I I appreciate you talking to us today and I appreciate you sharing, you know, what for you has been so important. And I really, really liked the re the what the therapist told you, which was focusing on the good. I like that. So thank you. Thank you for sharing.

Tara Peterson: You bet. Thanks so much for having me on.

Joanie Sigal: Absolutely.