From Self-Loathing & Binge Drinking to Self-Love: Arlina Allen’s 32-Year Sobriety Journey

Voiceover00:00:01

The addiction podcast. Point of no return.

Joanie Sigal00:00:07

Arlena Allen, thank you for talking to us today.It sounds to me, based on what I've read, that you have some really valuable information to share with us, but give us just a little quick and dirty on your own experience with substance abuse or addiction, we typically call it. Tell us how that went for you.

Arlena Allen00:00:26

Sure. First, I just want to say it's such an honor to be with you today. Thank you so much for, you know, having me on. You've had.Listen, I had to go through your list, your roster of guests, and you've had some amazing guests. So congratulations to you. And we'll have to talk offline. I might have to poach some of your guests from my podcast.

Joanie Sigal00:00:43

There you go.Well, you know, when we started, Arlena, we didn't do it because we have addiction in our own lives or in our family, but we did it because we felt it was such a problem in the country. And so we just really started just reaching out to anybody that would talk to us that had a story to tell or was trying to do something about it.So that's kind of how we got started.

Arlena Allen00:01:06

But I love that. I love that even though that you didn't have it, like, in your personal experience, that you found such a passion calling for that.So thank you for the work that you're doing.

Joanie Sigal00:01:17

Well, you're welcome.It's not within our nature to look at you if you're suffering or you have a loved one suffering and say, oh, we're so sorry, but that is, in fact, your problem and not ours, because you're. You're a human. We're all humans, and we share that in common. And that means if you are suffering, we gotta figure out a way to help you.So that's kind of how.

Arlena Allen00:01:39

Listen, I always have a soft spot in my heart for people who are empathetic to those who are suffering. And. And really. And I'll just sort of jump in and say that that's where I was. That's what happened to me, is I. Listen, I.My parents are very nice people. I grew up in Sunnyvale, California, like this all American town. Now everybody knows it as Silicon Valley. Right.

Joanie Sigal00:02:02

We lived there for a while, so I'm very familiar with Sunnyvale.

Arlena Allen00:02:05

Did you really?

Joanie Sigal00:02:06

Yes, we did.

Arlena Allen00:02:07

Oh, my goodness. That's crazy. I lived right behind Peterson High School. Okay.

Joanie Sigal00:02:13

Yeah.

Arlena Allen00:02:14

Anyway, that's funny. I have to bring my brain back a little bit, but I was. I was all that to say that my parents were very nice people. They drink or use.My mother was from Mexico City, daddy's from Kentucky and grew up religious and very nice family, middle class. My dad was like a government guy. He worked at places at like NASA, but he was like a marine and super.But he was the softy in the family, oddly enough. My mom was kind of the disciplinarian.But there was a couple things that happened to me when I was really young that sort of set the stage for everything else. And one was I was being abused, sexually abused by a neighbor.

Joanie Sigal00:02:53

O.

Arlena Allen00:02:54

Starting very young, probably around five or six years old. Very young. Oh God, yeah, very young. And then my parents divorced when I was seven and I had.Listen, little kids don't understand that it's not their fault. But I felt like, I felt like it was my fault and I had very low self esteem.And the moment parent, you know, kids don't also understand that if your parents divorce, you know, that's not on you either. But I felt a sense of responsibility, like if only I had been better, maybe this wouldn't have happened.It was just a lot of heartbreak and trauma to deal with at such a young age. And listen, I'm 57. So when I was that young, a long time ago, like nobody knew how to handle these situations right.It was like this first wave of divorces, like everybody was getting divorced and there was really no playbook on how to help your kids process through that.So that kind of set the stage for me to have these really deep seated beliefs that I wasn't really aware of, that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't lovable, I wasn't worthy. And that kind of set the stage for creating this vulnerability, like a pain that I felt the need to escape from later.

Joanie Sigal00:04:12

Well. And I haven't personally experienced it and I am devastated that you had to go through that at such a young age.But what it seems like to me is the physical abuse will heal, the body will heal, but the whole mental and emotional, that's a rape. Do you know what I mean? It's almost like a rape of your personality so that you think you're less than valuable.

Arlena Allen00:04:43

It's an a hundred percent.

Joanie Sigal00:04:45

I. Sorry. I know I'm. I'm talking to someone who's been through it and I haven't.But the effect of that, I, I think it's amazing that you're here today and you look pretty well adjusted and you're talking to us and you're helping other people because not everybody comes through it.

Arlena Allen00:05:01

No, no. And I narrowly didn't either. I mean this. Listen, I, I got sober at 25 so I have decades of therapy. And, and, and to, to clarify, I wasn't raped.But it that you're right in the sense that any kind of sexual abuse changes you forever. It changes who you are fundamentally.And because it happened to me when I was so young, these really deep seated beliefs are hired hardwired into me so that even to this day, you know, I have a. And it's easy for me now, it's just part of my routine. But you know, I have a self care practice that I do every, every morning.It's like prayer, meditation, journaling, exercise, connecting with others. And I'm so accustomed to it. It doesn't feel like effort, it's just what I do.So you know all that to say that there are those of us who have bad experiences who can come out on the other side well adjusted. I'm very well adjusted. I will say.

Joanie Sigal00:06:05

I can tell. Okay, so five, five years old, you're sexually abused, seven years old, your parents split up. What then?How old were you then when you reached, was it alcohol, was it marijuana?

Arlena Allen00:06:18

Alcohol was first and I'll say that I was very young. So my mother, I have an older sister, she was almost two years older than me.She and I were home alone and my mom went out to dinner and I decided it would be a great idea to drink some of the booze that was in the cabinet. Which is weird because I never really saw my parents drink and I don't.It must have been like a bottle that was like left over from a party or something. But I, and I don't even know where I got this ide but I was between 8 and 10, so I was super young.And I'll never forget that first drink because it burned my lips. It burned all the way down. But then when it hit bottom, like this warmth spread through my whole body and all this, I actually had self loathing.All this self loathing and self hatred that I had was lifted and suddenly all I was left with was this feeling of feeling good. And the juxtaposition of those two feelings was so intense. It sort of.That experience was burned in my psyche and it was like, oh, this is the solution to. I didn't even know how bad I felt until I felt good.

Joanie Sigal00:07:27

I can completely relate to that. Completely. So from there did you progress to other drugs or did you pretty much stick with alcohol?

Arlena Allen00:07:36

I. So obviously I wasn't like a daily drinker at 10, but by the time I was 14.I started experimenting with other things and marijuana ended up being sort of my drug of choice, as they say, say your doc. So. But I always drank, and I didn't drink every day, even into adulthood. But I was a binge drinker. I was also a bit of a workaholic.I've always juggle. I used to got my first job. Well, I got my first job as a paper route and then I was a babysitter and then I was a. You.You know, I always had like two or three jobs. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, so I was always working. And so. But I. It was. Marijuana was my.Probably my favorite because it just shut off all my feelings. You know that Pink Floyd song, Comfortably Numb, like that was the goal for me was the comfortably numb.But I definitely was abusing alcohol, like right from the beginning.

Joanie Sigal00:08:32

Interesting. Did you go to anything harder than marijuana or was that pretty much where you stayed?

Arlena Allen00:08:36

I experimented with just about everything I had tried. Well, except for heroin. I watched too many after school specials and I was convinced that if I did heroin, I would instantly turn into a prostitute.So I was terrified. I was terrified of that. You know, they make it look really bad, so I'm so grateful that I never did that.But I tried just about everything else, but it was, for me, it was always alcohol, marijuana.

Joanie Sigal00:09:02

Okay. And you did that through college? Through school.

Arlena Allen00:09:07

Bless your heart. Yes, I did go to college. I, I joke around that I went to all the colleges. I went to every junior college in my area. So.

Joanie Sigal00:09:21

Would.

Arlena Allen00:09:21

Yes, I. I drank up until I was 25, but between the first drink and the last drink, I would have like, what I would call these episodes where I would. And, and you know what it was, Joanie, was that that I would stuff all my feelings because I had no emotion management skills.And once I drank alcohol, I was like a volcano. I could never predict my behavior. And I sort of had like these two alter egos that would come out.It was either Badass Betsy or W. Wendy, because I was either fighting or crying. I was that girl. I was so messy, you know?

Joanie Sigal00:09:59

Leise Steinberg as the legendary sports agent who inspired the film Jerry Maguire. But the story he's sharing now isn't about superstar athletes or record breaking contracts.It's about what happens when life completely falls apart and how you rebuild from the ground up.In his new book, the Comeback, a playbook for turning life's setbacks into victories, Lee opens up with honesty and courage about his battle with alcoholism.He takes you right into those rock bottom moments, sitting in his parents home after losing everything, reaching for the cheapest bottle of vodka he could find. It's raw, it's real, and it's something many people can relate to. But this book isn't just about the fall. It's about the rise.Lee lays out nine powerful pillars of resilience, things like accountability, courage and rebuilding trust. The same principles that helped him reach 16 years of sobriety.And he weaves in stories from clients like Troy Aikman and Steve Young, showing that even the biggest names face setbacks and find their strength again.If you or someone you love is navigating a tough chapter or you just need a roadmap for reinvention, the comeback, a playbook for turning life's setbacks into victories, is a powerful place to start. You can get your copy on Amazon today. Okay. Well, what caused you to get sober? Why'd you get sober?

Arlena Allen00:11:27

Well, listen, I was a. I was like a. A red light. Have you heard of like the stoplight theory?There's the green light where, you know, people can drink and there's those people, I'm not one of them. And then there's the yellow light where people start to experience some consequences. And then there's the red light people. And I was that.I was drunk driving, I was blacking out. I was getting into arguments with my friends. I couldn't maintain a relationship. I never got fired from a job, oddly enough.But my life was absolutely in shambles. I hated who I was, hated who I was like. I was behaving in ways that my mama didn't raise me to be like that. Do you know what I mean? So I was.I couldn't reconcile who I wanted to be with how I was actually behaving.And I just had so much and would be these dark, dark nights, these really painful mornings where I would just be so full of guilt and shame, I couldn't take it. And this one night I had like, you know what they call like a bottom right. And where I had gone out with my sister, I lost my ever loving mind.The police were involved. I physically hurt my sister and woke up the next morning, my hand was like bruised. I had punched my windshield.My sister was driving my car because I was drunk and I punched the windshield and broke it in a couple of place. My hand was all black and blue and it was like, what is going on?And that was the night that I started to question that that's what it took to be like, am I an alcoholic? Like, when did I cross the line because I was hanging out with people who also drank a lot and partied hard when I was young. Right.So when you're young, a lot of people. Stupid stuff like that. So I. But that's when I started questioning. And then I tried to moderate. I tried to moderate for two years.And the mental gymnastics I had to go through to try to justify and control, and it just wasn't working. And by the time I was 25, I was absolutely exhausted.I had my last drink of alcohol on my 25th birthday, and I woke up the next morning again, full of guilt and shame about what had happened the night before. And I was like, I'm never drinking again. And then I took a big bong hit.

Joanie Sigal00:13:54

Oh. I was gonna say, was that the day you got clean and sober? But yeah. No.

Arlena Allen00:13:59

Okay. It took me five months. It took me five months. And, you know, when I finally.I had some friends, I was in a sales job working for a transportation company.So all my clients were mentioned, and two of them were sober, and they started sharing little bits of their life with me and why they didn't drink anymore.And they were breaking out these little bits of wisdom, like, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, that's the definition of insanity. And they just were sharing these little bits of wisdom that really resonated with me. And I was a seeker.I had spent those two years of moderation living in a self help section in Barnes and Noble. I thought. I thought my problem was men or money. I thought if I could just fall in love and be rich, my life would be perfect.

Joanie Sigal00:14:47

There you go.

Voiceover00:14:47

Okay.

Joanie Sigal00:14:48

It works for me.

Arlena Allen00:14:49

Right? Right. And back then, in 90. See, I got sober in 94. So in 92, there were no sober memoirs people.There was no social media where people were talking about recovery. There was only one way to get sober back then. And I was. I'm. I'm kind of grateful that.For that, to be perfectly honest, because I think I would have missed the magic of a system, a process of helping me sort through my baggage, my trauma, all the. All the stuff that I didn't have coping skills for that eventually led me to the other side of freedom. Freedom from drugs and alcohol.But not only that, a love for myself. I went from hating myself to loving myself. Like, what's better than that?

Joanie Sigal00:15:37

And that's huge. And I feel like for so many Arlena, that's the first step. You have to get to that point, because if you don't love yourself, why get clean and sober?Why fix your life?

Arlena Allen00:15:50

I gotta tell you, I had to start with, like, just being friendly to myself.

Joanie Sigal00:15:55

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

Arlena Allen00:15:56

I couldn't jump from I hate who I am to I love myself. I was like, well, maybe I heard somebody say, talk to yourself like you would your best friend. I was like, what?And I just started to notice how I was talking about myself, how I was talking about my story, my. And it.And recovery for me was about recovering my whole self, the good and the bad, and learning to have love and compassion for the parts of me that I was so ashamed of. I had to learn that I was behaving in these ways because I didn't know how to resolve my pain, and I didn't deserve condemnation for that.I deserve empathy and compassion and maybe some solutions.

Joanie Sigal00:16:43

Right now your book is about 12 step. Is that what you did? Ultimately?

Arlena Allen00:16:51

Okay, yeah, yeah. And listen, I just want to say up front, I know some people are absolutely allergic to it, and that's okay.I'm not saying there's many ways, many paths of sobriety. I just. It was a path that worked for me, and so I wanted to sort of clear up some misconceptions. Sometimes people say, oh, I went to a few meetings.I didn't like it. So, you know, they throw the baby out with the bathwater. And.And I'll just say right up front, you know, meetings and the program are two separate things. Working the steps is the program, and fellowship and community are important. But listen, we're talking about a group of people.It's not like the hotbed of mental health, myself included. Right. So you need to go in with some guardrails. That was my attempt with the book. It's like, hey, you know, if you're curious about.I'm not trying to conv Anybody to do anything.I'm just saying, hey, if you're curious, here are some guardrails that'll help you get the benefit without maybe some of the nonsense that can go along with it.

Joanie Sigal00:17:52

Right, right. What is your.What would you say is your key piece of advice to people who are, let's say, just dabbling with the idea of sobriety rather than jumping in and actually doing it? Maybe they have. A lot of people, I think, do have their own path and how they want to do it, and. But let's say someone doesn't know what to do.What's your key takeaway or key piece of advice you would give them?

Arlena Allen00:18:18

Yeah, I would say to get support from somebody who has subject Matter expertise.Like, if you're not really ready to explore a peer support program like AA or NA or whatever program, I would say to go to somebody who has really depth of knowledge and addiction because it's so nuanced and everybody is different. I've been sober for 32 years. I've been an obsessive learner about addiction.And the only thing I know for sure is that I don't know what's right for anybody else. But people have innate instincts that they've sort of drifted from. And so it's a process of learning to trust yourself.But it is important to get outside information, Information, perspective. Because kind of like it's like that saying, you can't read the label from inside the jar. Like, we need outside perspective for us to.You know, I always give this example. I'm sure you've ever talked to a friend who is going through difficulty in their relationship, and we can see clearly what's going on.

Joanie Sigal00:19:27

Exactly. We're like, you never should have been with that guy. But they can't see it.

Arlena Allen00:19:31

Yeah, they can't see it. You know why? Because they're in it. Emotion colors our perspective. And it's so important to have. Have outsiders that you trust.And it takes a while to develop trust with somebody, but once you have a trusted advisor, it's important to be able to have a space to sort of air out what's going on for you and reason things out and, you know, have clear actions.

Joanie Sigal00:19:59

I think it's a good. I think it's. That's a monumental point. I think that's huge advice, positive advice for people.And I've said this so many times on the podcast, I know people probably just tune me out when I say it. But the other thing is, we know that addiction is not purely a choice. It's not purely mental. It's not purely spiritual.There is a physical aspect, and so it's gonna be different for everyone. And so often people look at someone who has a substance problem and they go, why don't they just stop? Yeah, easier said than done.And so like you're saying everybody has kind of a. There's similarities with addiction, but then there's differences with everybody.And there's also differences with the problem for which alcohol or marijuana or whatever it is became the solution. So everything's a little bit different.But I like the idea of find somebody that you can relate to that, whose advice you would like to have, and you can. You can use.

Arlena Allen00:21:05

Yeah. Like in 12 step program, they say to look for somebody who has what you want.And there's something about talking to somebody who understands what it feels like to be in the grips of addiction. Because there I had this guy talk about how he can't hear anything from somebody who is talking down to them.And if you can talk to somebody who's been through it, it's like. Like eyeball to eyeball, it's like your. Your peers, like, they get it. And that.That's really important to talk to somebody who can just be like, yeah, and here's what I did. Like, and it's sort of like. Like when I started going to peer support up here, you know, 12 step, it was.These people got my kind of crazy, and it sort of helped me. And I loved them, and they loved me, and it kind of made it okay that we were behaving.And then it became like, well, let's look under the covers and find out why. What is compelling you to do this? And there's always some sort of underlying issue that compels.And listen, the thing about pain is that if you don't have any tools to process it to resolution, the only other alternative is to medicate or dissociate. And so a lot of people are walking around with dissociated pain. It's still there, but they're unaware of it as a survival instinct. Right.And so when drugs and alcohol are ingested, like, for me, I was the volcano. That's when all the trauma would come out. But that's what it was about.And getting off of drugs and alcohol, like my solution, the drug became my executioner. Like I was gonna kill myself or someone else.

Joanie Sigal00:22:51

Yep, yep.

Arlena Allen00:22:52

And so, yeah, so that's when I was like, this has to stop. And.

Joanie Sigal00:22:57

And you know, Arlena, that's really also one of the reasons we do the podcast is to tell a story like yours. You've been there, you've done that. You're not talking down to anybody. We're not talking down to anybody.I will tell you that I think you're a rock star for being 22 years sober.

Arlena Allen00:23:15

32.

Joanie Sigal00:23:16

Sorry. 32 Years sober. Because we know it's not easy. And so that's a big deal.And I always say that to people who are on the podcast who are in recovery, because, you know, so often there's so much focus on the bad part and the addiction part or the substance abuse part, and not enough acknowledgement of the. Now you've been sober for 32 years, and that's freaking awesome.

Arlena Allen00:23:46

Thanks. Thank you so much. Yeah. Listen to Ben. Perfectly candid. I would say that the first couple years were probably the hardest.It's so much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. So I think out of self preservation, I just committed to this path and then it became a lifestyle. And my husband is also. He's 38 years sober.He got sober at 18. He had like a psilocybin experience and was never touched anything after that, which is kind of incredible.But also through 12 step, and that's actually how we met everybody.

Joanie Sigal00:24:25

Everybody has their own path. So tell us the title of your book and where people can get it.

Arlena Allen00:24:31

It's called the 12 Step Guide for Skeptics. And the little tagline is clearing up common misconceptions of a path to sobriety. And I deliberately said a path, not the path. Right, right.So I've also. So I've been podcasting for 12 years and, you know.

Joanie Sigal00:24:49

What's the name of your podcast? Podcast.

Arlena Allen00:24:50

Oh, the One Day at a Time Recovery Podcast. And like you, I've spoken to hundreds of people. I think. I think this last week we published 4:37, something like that.

Joanie Sigal00:25:02

We're only a little bit ahead of you, Arlena.

Arlena Allen00:25:06

I have about three months in the can. I'm close, I'm close.

Joanie Sigal00:25:11

There you go. But point is, you're doing something about it. And the point is, you're helping people with your podcast.And we believe that we help people with our podcast, and that's what's important. And the more that people like you write the book, do the podcast, do the interview with us, the more we strip away the stigma, the guilt, the un. The.What's the word? Not the inability, maybe the inability to talk about it, to confront it and to try and help with it, you know, And I think that's huge.So well done, you.

Arlena Allen00:25:48

Yeah, thank you so much. And I just really appreciate you taking the time to, like, educate yourself and your listeners and make it accessible. Right.Like, we all need to sort of understand and need a safe space to be able to talk it all out.

Joanie Sigal00:26:04

That's right. That's exactly right. Thank you so much, Arlena. I will put the link to your book in the show notes and I'll put the name of your podcast.Cause we're not afraid of a little competition. It is going to take way more than a village to end the addiction problem in this country. So we could use 50 more podcasts like yours and ours.So there you go.

Arlena Allen00:26:24

Yeah, absolutely. I feel like we're, you know, a rising tide raises all boats. Right. Like, the more we can get the message out and the better.

Joanie Sigal00:26:32

I agree. Thank you so much.

Arlena Allen00:26:34

Thank you.

Voiceover00:26:40

You have been listening to the Addiction Podcast, Point of no return. For more information, reach out to us on Facebook or go to www.the addictionpodcast.com. Our email is the addiction podcastahoo.com.