As Sick As Our Secrets

0:02 My name is doctor Steve Farber. I was a respected and accomplished doctor. I was also a drug addict. I was trying to live in two separate, incompatible world and these two worlds would crash into each other when a woman I cared deeply for got in my bed. This is Steve. He went from a life that on the outside most people would envy, to a descent into drug addiction that took everything from him before he could find a way out. This is his story. The first time I'd used an illegal substance was the day of my sister's wedding, and it was a day that with a big turning point in my life. And it was a day that I would say had ripple effects through my entire life. To just give a little bit of background, I lived a very straight life for most.

0:50 Of my upbringing. I led a very narrow, restricted life. Basically, I was a nerd and I never used drugs, never drank alcohol. And today, my sister's wedding, I visited a friend of mine who spiked cookies with marijuana, and I wound up eating a couple of these cookies and started liscinating. It was a day that essentially ruined my sister's wedding. I was one of the ushers in the wedding and I went to the hospital. People all thought that I was incredibly ill and were holding the wedding up from me till I got there, and then found out that I'd. Used drugs that day. The shame of that day, people thinking that I was a drug addict led to incredible shame, and it was something that I have not lived down for most of my life. I thank it my sister didn't forgive me for many many years. I think that filled me with a lot of shame and feelings remorse. And if there was anything that I could do over my life, there's one day I could do, it would be that day.

2:00 But I think that day really kind of foretold what I was apability to become. Before that, I'd never even drank alcohol, never used any drugs, and no intention of using drugs. I was brought up in a very strict family, very conservative family, and the thought of using drugs was not even something that I even thought about. All I did was study. I've had very little social life, never drink in college. This was in my twenties day my sister's wedding. I was in my twenties, and is this one of those things that I think, compounded upon other things that had happened early in my life, led to feeling really bad about myself, feelings of low selfware, of low self esteem, and you know, I think that led to other problems later in my life.

2:53 Well, I mean, I think I was really source of ridicule. You know that day from my own family felt turned on by some of my family because they felt that I had done this intentionally, and it almost was like a self filling prophecy. What was going to happen later? I think for me in my life, I think from that day on almost I think that I was an addict at that point. When Steve would exhibit addict behavior in medical school, he was able to get a handle on it. Steve's ability to be high functioning despite addiction would be a hallmark of his life. Well, I was going to medical school and really had one problem actually in medical school. In my third year of school, I started drinking fairly heavily.

3:36 I met a friend who loved Scotch and we used to go out and drink after during our training. That was my introduction to alcohol. But at that point it was relatively controlled. When I was in medical school, I never drained to the point of interfering with my ability to function. Steve lost five friends to suicide during his residency training. He would often work thirty six hours straight but no sleep. The residency training was like a hazing process to weed out those not strong enough. Not just for Steve, but for any doctors. This sort of working pattern leads to exhaustion, chronic fatigue, depression, and medical errors. Addiction is not uncommon in the medical field, and Steve's story certainly is not unique amongst doctors with this as a potential contributing cost.

4:22 It really wasn't until I was in my residency training. I think was my second year of training in my residency program where I started drinking to the point of not being able to function, not being able to wake up in the morning to make my rounds and really adequately take care of my patients. And there was noticed by my peers and. By the people who supervised me, and I was called into the office of the chairman of the department in medicine, and he had a long discussion with. Me and wanted me to take time off. I guess at that point he didn't recommend that I go to it treatment, just recommended that I go home and take care of myself, get some rest, and come back to work. So that clearly that was never something that was reported. I was never to any time of counseling.

5:12 I think he just recommended I take time off, and then later I came back and I was able to function. I really wish that it was not as lean as I wish. He had taken more action to try to get me into a program to help. And I'm not sure if that was the one where I would have accepted it and that time in my life, but I think at this stage the end of this had happened, I think there would be stricter rules about it. There's more addiction. In the medical profession, I think than people know about it, and I think there had been more and it would have been stricter consequences now if it had happened and I was actually able to function and I've made the time off help because it's burned out. And I think at that time I attributed my drinking to just overwork, and I think there were personal problems.

6:02 That I had from earlier in my life. There was emotional problems I had that never were addressed, and I think that led to a lot of my drinking, but it essentially calmed down for a period of time where I didn't drink accessively. After that, one day, a drug representative king to my office. We routinely had drug company reps come in to tell us about their latest and greatest drugs, and he told me about this medication caused ANNEXED, which was built in a new medication at that time as the new NZO days upon related drug that is east B anxiety. And he left about one hundred pills in my office. And at that time there was really no accounting for these. Nowadays, these things this can't be left these thought bottles can't just be left in offices like that. But back in the eighties that was pretty commonplace. And he described it as being non addictive.

6:57 That's the first NZO that came out. I was not addictive. I was feeling a lot of anxiety in my life and depression actually both. It was starting to build up more and more the harder at work, and I decided, you know, I'm gonna try this. Xanx was a very good drug from the standpoint of anxiety. It made me feel even less depressed. It work, but I soon found out over time that the effects the drug were not what they're advertised to be. From the standpoint of being non addicting, I found I had to increase the dose more and more. They developed a tolerance to the medications. Where one pill wasn't enough. Two pills, you know, weren't enough.

7:38 Half a milligrant is not enough. I had to go up to two or three. This drug is mel street drug, I mean x They're called bars and these are sold them the street. Twenty years later, but at that time I pretty much I decided to sample and self medicate, and over time I've came more and more to pend and started interfering with my ability to function. Boats are working at home, and a feared of my ability to even take care of my kids because I was always spaced out on Xanax to where I miss things. I would be careless about things. Xenex definitely had an effect, and it's not a drug you can stop abruptly. When you're taking events a days of pine if any kind, you have to taper off the drug. And it took me about six months and going through divorce to do that. If I didn't come off the drug, I was not gonna be able to see my kids after my divorce. So I took a divorce actually for me to get off because I was one of the things that went to my other boors.

8:39 So I tapered off the drugs so I could see my kids. Took about six months to meet to go off the churn. Again and again, Steve would develop an addiction and find a way to either get off it or work through it. I could work my way out of any situation. You know that I could. Function through anything, and there is no scenario I couldn't beat. Essentially, there was no win scenario, and I kind of vasion myself as a Kathin Kirk of medicine in the sense I couldn't lose. I mean I would be able to work my way out of any situation that presented itself, like length, while I was in a corner, boxed into a corner, I'd be able to buy my way out.

9:20 Steve often thought of Captain Kirk and the Kobayashi Maru. It's a no win scenario, and Captain Kirk figured out a way to beat the no win scenario altering the rules. Of the test. Steve was confident not only could he be a functioning addict, but he could thrive in any situation while using drugs. He described himself at that time in his life as an addict who was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I think I went a number of years without using any types of drugs and really the suffering from depression anxiety, which remounting over the course of time, I was burning the candle both fans of my life, working fourteeny sixty hour days over the course of many, many years, a lot of things happened in my practice. I had a partner that brought in named Charlie Brown, who was.

10:13 Also very hard worker. He was basically also burned the candle with both fans, and he passed away. He died in my office while I was seeing patients. He was a person who would always take care of other people before you take care of himself. I'd see him in the hallway and he was an asthmatic, and he was constantly usist and healed all the time in the halloway while he was seeing patients, and I said to him, look, Charlie you got to go see a doctor. You know, you have to go get your asthma TA in care of. But he never took the time to do that. He was always working, and then he had two small children at home, so you go home to his family and then come back to work and visit. The cycle repeated salt every day.

10:54 One day, we're seeing patients in the office, found him on the floor in the bathroom. We couldn't find him, an issue, and you know, where's Charlie. We're both seeing patients and he just disappeared. And I found him on the floor of the bathroom and tried to assuscitate him for about two hours and DCPR my. Own partner, couldn't bring back. He was too park gone and I had to be the ones to go tell his wife that he passed away. Then two small children. That was devastating to me. Losing my partner like that, I think was just something that I never really recovered. I'm just not being able to bring him back.

11:34 And it really should have taught me less and that about bringing the came with both bands, but it really didn't. So I think I worked even harder after that. Ironically, being a doctor seemed like a good fit for Steve's addictions. Medicine is a perfect profession for an attic, being a workaholics and addiction in and of itself, it's a perfect career. There were some people who were addicted to things and one who escaped their personal problems. Because you think, the harder you work, the more you awarded by your patients and peers. You know. I think it's really I think a profession with there a lot of people with a lot of psychiatric problems or psychological promises. Put that way, who can work so hard that they don't have to think about their issues.

12:22 And I think between Charlie's death and just the depression, I was suffering anxiety that things just mounted over time and I got involved in a bitious cycle of anxiety and depression. I saw a lot of death in my practice, that's part of being a cardiologist. And I lost patients in the cath lab that were devastating to me. Just losing the patients devastating. I expected a lot from myself. I expected that none of my patients would die. For example, I expected that I'd be able to save everybody, and that this wasn't reality. I just couldn't do that that was really not in my hands. But I took death personally. Patient of mine dat I to them personally and felt that I was a failure when my patients passed, and I beat myself up over negative things that would happen, and I think over time, I just got desperate one one desperate to get out of a cycle of depression anxiety, and a friend of mine recommended that I go to a place called the Wildfire Retreat, which was a massage parlor.

13:29 Essentially, this visit would change the course of Steve's life. The exterior of the building looked distressed and uninviting, more like an old, boarded up shack and a place in which one would supposedly relax and be pampered. Its run down facade was broken by a few darkened windows, which, to my amped up imagination, gave it a somewhat intriguing appearance. What lay behind those pains of dirty I hesitated a moment to draw one last deep breath before opening the door and stepping into a dimly lit room. The first thing my eyes focused on were a candle and an incense burner on the counter. Next they saw an attractive blond woman wearing a sea through nick jet As I stood frozen with my jaw no doubt hanging ajar. The woman came to the counter and asked quite professionally whether I had made an appointment. Red faced from embarrassment, I told her that I hadn't arranged anything and wondered if I could be worked in.

14:34 Work me in? What was I doing? I felt like I was at the barber shop or a dentist office. The hostess left for a few moments. My eyes darted to the door, but truth be told, I really didn't want to leave, and in only a few moments the hostess came back, accompanied by an available massuse. She appeared to be in her late twenties or early thirties, with bread hair and a confident look in her eyes. Her voice was soft and alluring as she greeted me, and without further ceremony, she motioned for me to follow her up a flight of stairs. I've never done this before. I'm Tara.

15:16 Go in the first door on the right. By this time I was sweating profusely and my shirt was soaking wet. Tara led me into a small, dimly lit room, sat beside me, and laid down the ground rules, as if we were about to play baseball. The heavy smell of her perfume permeated the room. To Tara, this was a business transaction and she wanted to discuss the specifics of our agreement. I was on her home turf, and she made it clear she was the boss. You need to give me two hundred dollars. Fumbling to take my wallet out of my trousers, I counted out the appropriate amount of bills. She reminded me that there was an ATM in the waiting room if I needed it. I handed the cash to Tara, feeling both anticipation and shame.

16:01 Relax, let me take care of you. My mind raced through the pleasurable moments of the encounter, but those were soon followed by a sense of guilt. What have I done? I had paid for sex for the first time in my life and put my health at risk. Not to mention the fact that what I did was morally wrong, I agonized, and yet I couldn't deny to myself that it felt extremely empowering and just plain good to have done something taboo and gotten away with it. Before I left that night, Tara and I agreed to meet again and I irrationally told myself that another rendezvous wouldn't hurt a soul, especially if we kept the details of secret. I'll keep things discreet and under control, I told myself, and nobody will be the wiser. I didn't recognize how bad my judgment was until much later, when I realized that giving my phone number to Tara was literally a fatal mistake that dramatically changed both of our lives.

17:04 I was very lucky because the week after I went there was rated by the police, and if I'd been there during that raid, I would have been arrested. Terror was intriguing to me. I met her and in a situation is really basically transactional. It was money for sex, and then it became money for drugs. Later, after the massage, so to speak, whatever you'd call it, I got her phone number and we connected. After that, we both seed it all. It became more than a sexual type of relationship, a transactional relationship, and I started seeing her on a regular basis.

17:46 Tara called me and asked to see me that night. With little hesitation, I gave her directions to my home in an upscale neighborhood in North Houston. We planned a late night rendezvous so that my neighbors would not become suspicious. I anxiously waited for her to arrive. Tara was right on schedule. As soon as I had closed the door behind her, Tera gave me an embrace, set her purse down on the kitchen table, and gave me a mischievous smile that was innocent and sensual. At the same time, I made her an appletini. She stood up and walked over to the fireplace, pulling off her boots as she did. Then, as my heart began to race, she put her hands above her head playfully swiveled her hips, and she made her body come with me as confidently as if she was in her own home. Tara walked into the kitchen.

18:33 Then she opened up a plastic baggy of cocaine and made thin white lines on the counter. The wildflower got raided. When two days ago, only a week after I had been there, Were you there? Yep? Did you get arrested? Spent the night in county? I asked if they would let me keep the handcuffs. They didn't think that was funny. My god, I thought, what would have happened if I had been there? I thanked my lucky stars for this narrow escape and totally ignored the bright red flag that was waving in my face as Tara offered me a line of cocaine. You want some Where'd you get this? My guy Jack, you'd like him. He's a doctor like you.

19:16 A cardiologist, chiropractor. She made me feel like I was living life in the fast lane rather than in the rut that had been my home for over a year. Tara brought excitement into my life. In fact, looking back, I believe that I became addicted to the adrenaline surge I felt when I was with her. If I'd been interested in honest answers at that point, I'd have been forced to admit that cocaine already had control over my life, and there was no logic in anything I did. I was powerless over the tiny pieces of white powder I snorted up my nostrils with a rolled up dollar bill, and I wasn't interested in stopping in spite of uncomfortable side effects of shakiness, anxiety, and insomnia. Instead, I sped down the road even faster.

20:03 Cocaine initially made Steve feel more energetic, more efficient. It was like taking adderall for a person with ADED. It made Steve feel like Superman. He could perform his duties faster and more efficiently, and it improved his depression. He thought he had it under control, at least at the beginning. Eventually, cocaine led to other using other things. Methantheta means crap cocaine and crap contain is. A really horrible drug to take. As far as addiction goes, it's even harder than cotain to be again. One thing led to another, and the side of decks started to mount over a period of time. Even though going I could control it, alice out of control, and I think it was started getting noticed by other people.

20:46 I was normally a very even tempered and a way mild manner person. I was always the one that people would go to if they're looking for somebody who was even tempered. To try to train other people in the cath layout. They always gained it the new nurses train because I was very patient. That all changed very quickly. I started getting angry, I started getting agitated, My hands started to shake. People started noticing that I changed my personality. I started getting paranoid, started imagining things. That were not real again. I kept using I think did very much sleep with cocaine, kept me awake most of night, and Terror would give me cocaine in the morning, and I do to work on cocaine.

21:28 I think I had started. Affecting me mop steps, started noticing things that were changes in me again. My personality totally changed from the person I had been before that was totally good from person on cokaine and non tracked okaine, and it was. I think that. We were both round pegs that couldn't fit into squick holes. In a sense. We both I think, were lost in a way, looking for something in our lives that was not attainable, and we fit together our kindred spirits and way ways. You know, she was intrigued to me. She was a very nice person, very good person. I got to know her very well.

22:10 The more time I spent with Tara, the more it became a real relationship. Does your family know what you do? No stupid question, I guess. Hey, what do you know about real estate? Why there's this neighborhood. It's close to where I grew up, and it was always honestly like super shitty, like liquor stores and check cash and places and stuff like that. But some developers bought land near it and they're building those high end apartment complex and I know a couple of the old businesses that are open and more got sold and they're building restaurants there. There's a lot on that block that's for sale. In a couple of years, it's gonna be worth something.

22:54 Do you know how much it's going for? But I could find out, what would you. Do with it? I don't know yet. Maybe just hold it and sell it in a few years, maybe build something on it, like what? Well you know what the profit margin is on donuts. I hadn't looked into it. I did raw material for a donut only costs like ten cents. You can sell that donut for a dollar, and if I can make it seem premium, maybe three dollars. You know what else has the high margin? Coffee? I knew you were smart. If it's in a neighborhood that feels fancy, maybe I make fake edible gold leaf and put it on the donuts, sell them for five dollars each. That's a business.

23:40 You're serious about this. My work has an expiration. Date with you. In that donut shop, every father within a ten mile radius would be coming in every day. Would you be jealous? Desperately? I'll find out what the lot costs. Do that. I think at the point of our lives where we were aspiration type mode. I was desperate to get out of my cycle, my addas of shame and of depression. I was in a sinkhole at that point in my life and pretty much reached close to my rock bottom. And I think she was also homeless and was looking for something that was unreachable at that time in her.

24:23 Life as well. Well. We both had re set week used in our earlier years, and I think we both felt chained from that, and we both did relate to each other because of that and had empathy with each other because we both had gone through. The same thing going off. It affects you with the rest of your life and you have to be able to reach point where you can work through it. And we hadn't worked through that, but we were able to talk about it with each other. It was something that I really couldn't talk about with people. I pretty much kept it dormant in the back of my mind. It was like a calibran back there. It was like a hot poker that was in my brain that I just couldn't get rid of. And I think it was a say for we both could relate to each other on the level that the other us could relate to anybody else. Yeah, even I deceived my closest friends.

25:17 I had a really good friend named Mike, and he was closest to me than anybody else. He was not a doctor, and you know, I could talk about anything, but this is one subject that we couldn't talk about. I didn't talk with anybody about I hit it, and I wired to him about my addiction as well. I refused to tell me to even talk to him about my promise using drugs at that point. I'm not sure why I have people consimilators said why didn't you talk to me about this? And I just couldn't. I don't know if it was because I couldn't have meit my weakness is to somebody else, or could have bit my shame, my guilt and I felt at that point to anybody. But I lived in double life.

25:57 My whole career was like at the side, covering over all of her and shame and jolt that I felt from my earliest years and even into my adulthood. I terror that shame and jilt and feeling dirty and unworthy, And I. Was always looking for love and didn't want to disappoint anybody, And with Tara, I didn't have those feelings fear of talking. I felt I could talk to her about it pretty much anything, and I didn't have that relationship with anybody else. Steve's relationship with Tara would conclude in a way he could never have anticipated. That morning I went to work, I left terror actually in very good spirits.

26:42 After a family disagreement, Tara had been asked to leave her sister's home in Houston. She called me and said she had nowhere to go and beg to stay at my house temporarily. I liked the fact that it made it easier for us to use drugs together. She usually met with her dealer during the day while I was at work, and she had fresh lines ready for me as soon as I arrived home. Things were no different from the usual. When I left for work at about seven o'clock on that particular Friday morning. Morning, Oh hello, you're a medicine doctor. As she often did, Tara had brought me a line of cocaine on a small plate. While I was still lying in bed. She accompanied me to the front door.

27:27 She seemed happy and cheerful that morning, flashing that contagious, childlike smile that belied the realities of her lifestyle. What's on tap for you today? I have to pick up my dry cleaning. I'm going to spend by that lot and take down the number on the side and call it, and then I'm gonna take the best laziest nap ever. Sounds great. That didn't seem at all odd to me. I knew that she hadn't slept in several days due to her heavy use of stimulants. She kissed me on the cheek. I left drived home from work at about five o'clock in the afternoon, which was unusually early for me. Much to my surprise, my son's pickup truck was parked in the driveway. He was a student at the University of Houston at the time, and he frequently came to visit me. Normally, his pickup truck was a welcome sight, but now a flash of panic shot through me as I realized that he might have discovered that a young woman was staying with his father. Definitely not a detail I wanted my children to know. Of course, there was no way that my son would know she was a prostitute.

28:29 I was worrying for nothing in being paranoid. Cocaine always had that effect on me. Still, I was nervous and uncomfortable as I opened the front gate and unlocked the front door, stealing myself for potential embarrassment. I entered the house expecting to find that my son had already discovered Terra's presence. To my momentary relief, the bedroom door was closed and the house was silent except for the television in the living room. My son was watching the movie and had no idea that he wasn't alone in the house. As usual, he turned TV volume up pretty high. How could anyone sleep through all that noise, I wondered, though I was grateful that Tara apparently had. I directed a perfunctory hello, how are you at my son, and then walked into the bedroom with the intention of telling Tara to stay in hiding or at least be discreet if she met my son. The room was dimly lit and the blinds were closed, and all I could make out was a shadowy figure lying face down in my bed. Good, she's still asleep. I thought this was a close call.

29:30 I tiptoed to the bed, pulled the blanket down, and whispered, wake up, bunny. Nothing. I repeated the same words, a little louder, wake up honey. Still no response. I tried to shake Tara awake, but she didn't respond or move at all in spite of my jostling. Fears suddenly crept over me as I realized that something was terribly amiss. As I turned Tara over with great difficulty, in one of the most terrifying and sickening moment of my life, I realized that she was not breathing. Frantic I felt for her carrotid pulse, but couldn't find one. Meanwhile, Tara's dark eyes stared unblinkingly into space. Shock and horror overtook me as I realized that a woman to whom I had just said goodbye a few hours earlier was lying dead in my bed. As though stung, I jumped backward from the horrible vision that was before my eyes and stared back at Tara's lifeless body in disbelief. Tara had already turned a purplish hue in the dependent areas of her body. Due to the stasis of blood flow. Her skin was cold and modeled my experiences as a doctor.

30:36 Told me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was too late to resuscitate her and that CPR would have been useless. The presence of rigor mortis forced Tara to hold her arms outstretched in a position of supplication, as if she was reaching towards something that only she could see. Her eyes were glazed over and stared straight at me with a look of sadness, identifiable even through her death mask. God, this can't be real. I am dreaming. Please someone wake me up. Terror looked grotesque, like a disfigured mannikuin, stuffed in the closet and hidden from view because it appeared too fake for a store's display window, And yet as I paced frantically around the room, it seemed that her stare followed me everywhere. The whole scene was surreal. I knew that I would wake up if I screamed loud enough, and that this death scene would turn out to be a terrible nightmare. When I realized, with an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, that the current moment was indeed reality, I numbly looked at the scene. Around the deathbed. There was a bottle of rum on the nightstand, and Terror's purse was on the floor, surrounded by its contents.

31:43 They included I saw as I flicked on a lamp about a half dozen open pill bottles and an empty bottle of cough medicine that I myself had prescribed for her the day before. I picked up the bottles and read the names and the medications pain pills, sedatives and anti and a bottle of sleeping pills. Tara must have taken them to counteract the effects of the cocaine that she had consumed the night before. I'd seen her inhale an entire eight ball, and while I was asleep, she was likely to have consumed more. I wondered how much she could have taken last night while I slept, and today, while I was at work, I read the names of three different doctors on the prescription labels, and I was shocked to see that she had been getting these medications from so many doctors besides myself. I didn't recognize their names until that moment. I had been unaware that she was seeing other physicians and that she was receiving prescriptions from them as well as from me. Tara loved to wear my T shirts. Today I saw she had decided to wear her favorite one. She loved so much that I'd given it to her to keep. Ironically, horribly, it said in big bold letters, trust me, I'm a doctor.

32:58 At that moment, I fell apart, and my son walked into the bedroom and saw me on my knees sobbing next to Terra's body. His face turned to ashen as he realized what had happened. If not why, it is a scene that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I started crying because here's a woman in my bed who I knew very well. But I started to care about who is lying dead in my bed. After I found where I called nine one one the angel was came the police thanks in after and started doing this so much at my house while the neighbors were out in the street watching, most going on the police cars.

33:42 They took Terror's body out of the house. And the fear is what would my son think about me? What after effects would this have on my son? I was afraid for him, and a police question my son and be about her death, and but led up to it, and I was really concerned that they were to buy cotain in my house and arrests Neath breeze and cocaine, Tara and I would. Use the cocaine and put him to safe in our glauzard. The police came as search, there were no piece of cocaine long around. Terror must have cleaned that up before she went to bed. The police never actually found a cocaine.

34:22 I was seen my safe. It was later determined that she drive in that Snell overdose, but I had actually prescribed the hydro code on that she'd used to help till herself. Whether she did, I don't believe she did it intentionally. I believe that this was accent because I had know at all any feeling from her that she would her to die. If anything, she was looking forward to a different like and to get any more I would like than what she dought. I started to get more and more agitated and angry during my cases. For example, if something didn't go right, I would really get angry and throw my fista to the wall, and that's something I've never used to do before. There was a time when I was talking to a family where I actually stumping from the blackout. I was in the middle of discussing a case I just finished, sitting in front of the family.

35:14 My nurse pectation there's with me in the middle of a sentence. I just stopped talking, and I've in a state of basically totally being out of it and locked out. I was sitting there. If I didn't fall before, I was just sitting there staring straight ahead, and my nurse pectation or set to me looked forward, what's going to please wake up? Please wake up? And then I woke up and see the family staring at me and disbelieve what histonomor because doctor that we just put our trust in you to take care of our family member. And here we were talking to us and suddenly, you know, you stopped talking and they're in a state out of staring at us and not saying anything.

35:55 So I could tell at that point in time things were started to fall apart in my life. Steve's employees would ultimately stage an intervention. They came into my room and told me that they knew it was going on and if I didn't quit using drugs and go to rehab, that they were all going to resign. One of them actually came to me and said that. She was going to report me to then a couple if I didn't twitter. That was one of the things that led to my going to Talbot Recovery Center the summer two thousand and six. They knew what was going on, and. One of them told me something on they were for jab, which was doctor Barbara. I'm never in their current state for my family men putting you. That purred me tremendously because to hear that from somebody who I worked with was very tough to you, and the reality started hitting home that this was really something I needed to address. So I have heartedly addressed it at that point, and I think part of that was just to help them basically feel that I was going to do the right thing and to you know, basically keep them working with me. So I decided to go to the Albert Cuvery Center after that, which is a place where a love doctors went to. I really did it secretively. I did anybody to know about it. Nobody other mocust at knew what was happening. So I took the leave of absence. It was really again to pass by them more than to really seriously try to recover.

37:21 When I was in Talbot. I have heartily worked the program, I went through the motions, I was never really serious about it. I got homesick, decided after two weeks I was going to leave, went back, thank you well again, I can control this situation. And I was totally wrong. I was not ready at that point in time to really address my issues. I don't think I've hit my bottom. Yep. The bottom was losing my license. Tara's death led directly to Steve losing his medical license. Chi's family found out about the situation regarding my Friday prescription for the Hodge Code and for her and reported me to the medical Board.

38:12 The medical Board met early in. Two thousand and seven and they descended my medical license and I lost everything in a heartbeat. Everything that I worked hard for many years to attain, both financially and professionally, were totally done. And it took losing my license to really make me realize that something had to change. That was my bottom, losing pretty much everything that I'd had. I worked really hard for it. After I lost my license, I went to the coovery center. I realized that I. Needed to address the issues that I'd had dealt with for many years, but I camouflage behind my career and those issues primarily to my depression and burn out. I went to the clinic called Manager Clinic, which is a dual diagnosis facility, and Meniger Clinic forced me to kill the onion as they described it, and fill back my ego, peelback that my defense mechanisms, and made me realize that what was really behind all this situation to begin with, and really take the time for myself to really address my issues that have been pestering for many years. At the Recovery Center, they give you a lot of tools to try to work with to try to keep you sober, and the easiest thing is to be sober. The hardest things to maintain a sober You have to realize what your triggers are, and one of the triggers for me was Tara's youthfulness or exuberance and sexuality.

39:48 I met a young woman on the plane. After I left the Recovery Center who is almost identical to her, you know, had the same personality as Tara. Was actually working at dance club I suppose the tripper on that we did and actually get into that, but she was an exotic dancer I believe gave me her. Phone number as we left the plane. She put her hand on my leg, was leaning against me during the flight, and was very much making it very clear that she wanted. To have something more. After we left the plane, she gave me her phone number, and at first, I mean I was very interested in responding positively to what she. Was doing through overtures. I've run up throwing the phone number away because I didn't want to get back into the same situation I was in before, because I know what would have happened if I had called her, Things would have gone down the same path that they were before, and I just didn't want to rest that possibility. I'd work too hard over too many months to try to determine what was behind all of this.

40:47 I just didn't want to miss my sobriety. I was still very fragile at that point in time. My sopridy was very fragile. I'm very glad that I did not follow up to do with that. My whole career was a jack one hide type of career. Mel was doctor Jekyl, and there was a mister hide that I was hiding the whole time. My career was the sad for a very much failed personal life, an unhappy personal life. I went through multiple divorces and had a very unhappy personal life that. Side of work. I always thought I'd very good father to my children, really bad husband. Work was my life.

41:28 I think that I threw a lot away at that point in time. I was a split personality. While I was working, I was very I guess a successful failure, you might call it. I was successful on the exerted this. SPoD failure in my personal life, and very unhappy in my personal life. I had work really hard to get my license back. It took me about eight years to get my license back. The Medical Board had me drug tests for men eight years, and I had to pass. I didn't fail a drug test for eight years. There didn't miss drug tests, and they made me go through a lot on through a lot of hoops to get back to work. I feel that I'm at a place right now my life that I'm very thankful for. I feel gratitude every day for where I'm at. I feel I'm where God wants me to be right now. I feel like I'm helping people and where I'm meant to be. Married to a wonderful woman. I feel that I can be living a better life right now. People have come to me and said, gee, do't where you threw the life away?

42:29 And I tell them, look about life that I have. I had a miserable life at that point in my career, and my life was extremely unhappy. So I don't feel like I'm doing my life a way through my couder way. I feel like I threw away a lot of guilt, shame, and unhappiness and was able to create something much better. This podcast is dedicated to the memory of my son, Matthew Brian Farber. The National Mental Health Hotline is available twenty four to seven just by dialing nine to eight eight from your phone, and for healthcare workers suffering from burnout or just in need of mental health support, the Lorna Breen Heroes Foundation is a great resource. More information and links are in the show Notes. Allegedly is a production of Voyage Media.

43:23 The series is produced by Natmandell, Robert Midas, and Dan Benamore. This episode, as Sick As Our Secrets, is based on Steve's book of the same name, which is available on Amazon. A link is in the show Notes. Executive produced by doctor Steve Farber, directed and story produced by Alyssa Goodman. Written and directed by Dan Benamore, edited, sound designed, and mixed by James Scully. Original music by Dorles Gonzales. Starring Jonathan McGear as Steve and Veronica Warner as Tara. If you're enjoying the show, please give us a five star review on Apple Podcasts or anywhere you're listening, and subscribe now for future episodes.