Método Gottman: parejas felices

0:00 Bombax, why the affective relationships I have are not stable. I like assertiveness, why it invites us to prudence that what should motivate our word is always the love soy and that is already the basis to go out to conquer many goals, to fight, to give a better version and to enjoy life fully. You know, a forty- year- old man writes to me and asks me how to resolve conflicts with his wife. It makes it clear to me that they love each other that he recognizes their mistakes and that he would like to have criteria for working on how to overcome the difficulties they are experiencing.

1:04 In reply I think of the Godman method That, which was developed by psychologist John Godman, which has a therapeutic approach based on the scientific research that he has worked and which has shown that it is effective in his work with couples. Unlike other approaches, Godman focuses on solving problems in specific, that is, not on raising those general issues, but on becoming concrete in what today takes peace away, in that which today distances, in that which today generates emotions. He insists on his method that the emotional connection between the couple ' s members must be cultivated and that this requires at least three very specific skills. The first, to communicate effectively, yes, to know, to speak, to know to listen, but above all, to express and receive

2:35 the needs and feelings of the other and to communicate them clearly, assertively, knowing to listen with empathy and validate the emotions and views of the couple. Without good communication, conflicts are going to escalate, not to be resolved. That' s why we have to train day by day in that skill. The second he believes that conflicts must be managed in a healthy way. This implies accepting them, assuming that they are part of life, that they are not exceptional experiences, but that they are part of everyday life. To do this, excessive criticism must be avoided, because sometimes conflicts are an opportunity for you to pull out your arsenal of judgments, your arsenal of criticisms and somehow destroy that person you claim to love. We must also avoid contempt. Of course you chose her. Did you choose him? You want to live with her? You want to live with him and, for the same reason,

4:06 you can' t show yourself with contempt. The third is to avoid defensive attitude. It' s not about who wins or who loses, let alone who' s right or who. No. It is about finding solutions that satisfy both, that meet the fundamental needs of both, and that create a security context for them to move forward. He believes that the emotional connection needed in a couple to resolve conflicts involves training in those three skills, communicating effectively, managing conflicts in a healthy way, and strengthening intimacy. In this third one, I insist on a good sexual experience that goes from the most general to the genital, knowing how to devote quality time to being together, creating shared experiences and expressing mutual affection, mutual appreciation, and admiration. There' s three of them. I now continued to write as I answered the message

5:40 and recalled the fundamental principles that Gothman poses for a relationship to work and that, surely, generate attitudes to resolve conflicts well. He speaks of having identified four patterns of communication that are highly predictive of divorce from separation and that he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse and are criticism, contempt, defensive attitude and putting constant obstacles. For all we have to avoid living the relationship of couple from those patterns of behavior, because if we live them, surely, we will end up distanced and we will end up breaking the relationship. No one can stand to live under the constant scourge of criticism, contempt, the defensive attitude of negativism. No one that sooner or later ends up ending the relationship. The second principle that I think is fundamental to bear in mind is the one we call ratio five to one and that in other podcasts I have put to them. He has discovered Godman John that happy couples have five positive

7:14 interactions for each negative interaction. In other words, positive interactions must be increased and negative interactions must be reduced. That sounds logical, that sounds simple, it sounds obvious, but it' s not so conscious in everyday life. Many have become accustomed to having negative interactions with the couple. Yes, it is a custom, to complain about expressing lovelessness, to believe that the other is not giving enough and that does not help to be happy. And the third principle that I remembered and wanted to answer and I wanted in the answer I made to this man is that of the maps of love. These are mental maps that each couple creates to better understand each other' s interests, values, dreams and past experiences. Couples must create and update their love map over time, because they surely bring in the love maps they learned at home, the love maps they learned seeing Dad and Mom or who learned in previous relationships and come with them. And it' s okay. But you have to be aware of how different they are or how they are causing a bad

8:50 influence on the current relationship and then you have to look for what are your partner' s values, what is it that excites you, what is it that makes you happy, what is the world you want, what is it that is dreaming where you are going and work on creating the very map of love of the couple relationship that you are having there. I gave him a summary of what I read about John Gottman, hoping this person would now ask his own questions. I don' t know, he hasn' t answered me again, but I said here is an episode of the podcast and what I' m sharing with you, whether it' s for those who are married, whether it' s for those who don' t live together and are thinking about doing it, or just for every human being who has relationships with others and needs to learn clearly. Besides, I told him to read the Book Love is to win it all from my authorship. Hey. Thank you for being there and thank you for sharing this episode with me. We ' re in dise We' re in Apple, in Amazon and, of course, in Spotify. You know or