Breaking Through Grief's Timeline Myth with Ligia Houben

0:00 Welcome to the Living the Dream Podcast with Curveball, if you believe you can achieve. Welcome to the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, a show where I interview guests that teach, motivate and inspire, and a few guests that teach, motivate and inspire. Today, I am joined by grief expert, author and life transition coach, leah Huben. Leah has four books focused on loss and healing, and she is the creator of the 11 principles of transformation.

0:48 So we're going to be talking to her about grief and about her 11 principles and everything else that she's up to. So, leah, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much, curtis. It is an honor to be in your program. Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself? Okay, my name is Ligia Ruben. I am from Nicaragua, I live in Miami, florida, for a long time, and my passion, my mission in life is to help the bereaved, to help the griever, that person that is facing the loss of a loved one and don't know what to do.

1:34 Because sometimes that happens, curtis, that we have this huge pain, this huge loss, and we just don't know how to continue. And we just don't know how to continue. We just don't know how to deal with so many emotions. And the reason that I do what I do with so much love is because I had the experience of losing my father when I was 12 years old. I was living in Nicaragua and it was a sudden death.

2:15 So that's what inspired me to eventually study psychology and specialize in grief, become a thanatologist, which is the study of death and dying, and it is so close to my heart. That's why I say you know that I do it with all my heart. Well, you definitely do, and I was just going to ask you about that thanatologist, but you answered that. So, to start off, what is the biggest misconception of grief that people have that you hear when you meet with your clients? Thank you for that insightful question. The greatest challenge that my clients have and that people assume is that grief has a timeline, that, okay, we know when we start grieving.

2:58 Well, actually, sometimes we start grieving before we lose our loved one, because maybe that person is going through an illness. So we start having a grief because we're losing that person the way we know them and we may start experiencing what we call anticipatory grief, that is, before the actual loss happens, the person dies. So we start even before. So that is a huge misconception with a timeline and, for example, that after a certain time you should be good by now, you should be feeling this way by now, you should be behaving this way by now.

3:42 So the griever has a huge stress, has a huge challenge because they say well, my family, they don't allow me to grieve, they don't allow me to talk about my loved one because they say that now it's been a year already. You know when we say like a year already, and it couldn't be farther from the truth, because our love doesn't have a timeline, love is eternal. When we lose a loved one, love stays with us. So grief is an expression that we are missing that person that we love so much.

4:25 So that's why it does not have a timeline. What happens with grief is that it moves. It's not static, it's at the beginning. It's, you know, those acute, acute expressions of grief when we feel that huge tsunami. You know that comes to us and then we, little by little, start navigating the process. However, even after years that we have lost a loved one, suddenly, maybe a special date, curtis, or maybe we are driving and we hear a special song, and maybe we lost a loved one 10 years before.

5:07 But that comes to our heart and we remember and we long for that person. So that's why we say in my field of grief that grief is recurrent. Dr Rosenblatt talks about that. It is recurrent. It happens from time to time. Well, you also are the creator of the 11 principles of transformation, so tell us what those principles are and why you decided to create them. Thank you, because those principles are so close to my heart, are so sacred, and I'll tell you how they came to be.

5:48 My first book it's written to the memory of my father. It's called Transform your Loss your Guide to Strength and Hope. And when I wrote that book, I talk about what losses are, because a loss is not only when we lose a loved one. We may go through divorce, a breakup, we may have loss of health, loss of hope, loss of a job, transitions that are painful. Those are losses. So I talk about what losses are that are painful. No, those are losses. So I talk about what losses are and also I talk about the manifestations of grief, because it's not only emotionally.

6:31 It is not only when we are sad or we may feel guilty, which is one of the most common emotions in grief when we may be angry, all those emotions. So I talk about all that, how we express grief. We express it also physically, socially, emotionally and spiritually. And then that book, transform your Loss your Guide to Strength and Hope, which is the first book you know about grief, has 60 real stories of losses, Half of them 30, are studies about the loss of a loved one.

7:13 And the other ones, as I said, different losses, including the loss of a pet, you know, an animal companion that is so strong as well. So, but when I had all those things put together, I was like I want to give something to the reader, I want to give them tools to start, you know, help them process that loss. And that's when I started writing the principles, started writing, them writing, and then I stopped and I counted them and there were 11. And that touched my heart tremendously because my father died on 11-11, november 11th 1971.

7:56 So I was so touched by that because I didn't plan them, they just happened to be and the principles are perennial. Like I did not invent, you know, the principles, curtis, what I did was I put them together as a roadmap. If you will Remember that at the beginning I told you that sometimes people, when they are going through loss, people when they are going through loss, sometimes they don't know what to do, they may be confused, they may feel that it is so surreal because it happened to be, and I'll tell you a little bit about that later.

8:36 And so that's how they came to be. So I introduced the system as I call it, the system as I call it, the methodology, the roadmap. I introduced it in that book. So that was the beginning, and then those principles have evolved, not only being introduced in the book. I registered them as a trademark and I offered them as seminars, workshops to facilitate groups with them, and that works beautiful with the principals. I also offer it as an online program and I have it in English and Spanish because that's my native language, spanish.

9:19 So they are very close to me and what touches my heart is that people who have come to the seminars to have, who know, you know, p-e-s-i, that they provide continuing education credits for mental health professionals. So I traveled with them and we were in more than 100 cities here and it was nationwide, and each time that I presented it was a seminar transforming grief and loss, and the seminar was based on the principles.

10:08 So these mental health professionals, they have used them with their clients and I have received, you know, emails and comments that how they are helping their clients. So for me, curtis, that that means the world to me. Absolutely, and congratulations on that. Thank you yeah. Can you go through the stages of grief for the listeners? For the principals you mean. No, the stages of grief and the stages of grief, very well known and famous because Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, you know, she introduced them.

10:55 And the thing is that in my field we have come to realize, because she even said it herself, you know, that the stages were not supposed to be linear like how people have taken them and were not supposed. You know, not everybody experiences the different stages. I would say, based on my experience, that denial, which is the first one, would be the most prominent. You know that happens because people they have a very, very hard time accepting.

11:38 You know that the person died. And now that we're talking about this, what do you think about acceptance, curtis, because that's the last one? You know we have anger, bargaining, depression. But what do you think about denial and about acceptance? Because I don't know your story but you know, if we can have it like a conversation, what do you think is the difference and what is difficult from one and the other? Well, I think denial, you know, once you first lose something or somebody that you really love, it's like this isn't real. I'm gonna wake up. This is a joke. This is a bad dream. Somebody's gonna give me a call and say, oh, we were just joking with you and we can just move on.

12:21 But acceptance is okay. Even though I don't want this to be real, it is. And now I just got to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move forward from here. And now I just got to figure out how to pick up the pieces and move forward from here. Wow, you said it so beautifully and it's amazing. Thank you for that. It's amazing how you made the distinction between denial, move on and acceptance. Move forward, because, yes, denial is natural, is human, is this kind of space that we have, you know, sometimes for our own grasping, you know the reality, and when it's too painful, denial is kind of a buffer, you know, for us to then starting, little by little, to grasping the reality and when we are able, well, but, for example, not everybody bargains, you know, not everybody gets depressed, you know, and that's the thing that we want to make sure that not everybody experiences them.

13:22 However, when we come into acceptance, acceptance itself can be a process, and that is actually my first principle. My first principle is accept your loss, and the reason that I wanted that to be the first principle is because it's called you know the system, the 11 principles of transformation, 11 Principles of Transformation, and if we want to transform something, if we are going through pain, if you stay in denial, how are we going to even consider transforming that?

14:03 You know that process of grief? No, so, because when we talk about acceptance, it's not that. Yeah, okay, you know it happened, you're okay, you know this doesn't matter. No, it's grasping the reality. This is what happened to me. Now, what am I going to do with what happened to me? So that's a decision we make. What am I going to do now? So that would a decision we make. What am I going to do now? So that would be acceptance. And in my principles, the second principle is live your grief, because when I say accept your loss, I don't, my intention is not that you're going to say, okay, accept your loss, okay, that's it.

14:47 And then I continue. No, you're accepting your loss, okay, that's it. And then I continue. No, you're accepting your loss. Okay, this has happened, it is painful, it happened. So, because I believe so much in processing grief that's why I call my latest book Allow Me to Live my Grief and Heal from the Inside Out Then the second principle is precisely that one Live your grief, so people can validate their emotions, they can validate their pain. They do not suppress it, they do not ignore it, but they validate it. So I think that's extremely important to validate how we feel.

15:36 So when you went through your personal story of grief, you know how did you go through the stages and how did you deal with everything that you had to deal with. Well, yes, when I dealt with my father's death, which was my most significant when I was young, when I was a child, because I experienced the loss of Now, when my father died, because it was sudden and he died actually in Miami, at a hospital, because he was not feeling well and he was there, but the day that he had been discharged, you know, to leave the hospital is when he died in his heart.

16:31 So it was a surprise, curtis, and it was horrible, it was really painful. So, yes, denial, I remember, I remember of the denial of I cannot believe it he's leaving the hospital today. Because, in my case, I was in school and I talk about my story in the book Transforming Laws because I told you it has 60 stories, one of them is mine and I was in school. I was in a Catholic school, a religious school, with the nuns, and Mother Superior gave me the news, you know, that my father had died and I remember telling her cannot be, he's being discharged today from the hospital. But then, you know, she told father had died and I remember telling her cannot be, he's being discharged today from the hospital.

17:13 But then you know she told me that it had happened. So I experienced denial and none of the rest. You know, not bargaining or anger, no depression. I was sad but not depressed, and at the end, of course, acceptance. Yeah, but again, it's because not everybody experienced this status. No, so, but that's what happened back then. Now, not on purpose, not saying okay, I'm going to apply principle one Now, principle two, no, it's just that they live in me.

17:55 So when I experienced her loss, which was very painful as well because we were super, very close she was my father and mother for 48 years it was really painful. Still, I was able. You know, I have been able, because you know, as we talk about grief, I have been able to navigate it from a place of peace, from a place of love. That's huge, because that's why I say so much and I believe it that we can choose to move from a place of suffering to a place of love.

18:38 Okay, well, tell the listeners about any upcoming projects that you're working on that people need to be aware of. Thank you. Well, as I said, I have my online program in English and Spanish and right now is self-paced. What I want to do is to do another program that it will be also with me. You know, a 12-week program, curtis, that I will be with a person, with a group. It will be like you know the platform.

19:27 The self-paced is there included. It will be like you know, to train people to use, you know, to certify them under the umbrella of the 11 principles so they can also use them with their clients. So I am creating this platform. Also, I want to create an online program for the book. Allow me to live my grief and heal from the inside out when the person is in that acute stage of grief that is acute. So I would love to do that. First, you know the person that, to go deeper and then to move forward into the transformation and move into the 11 principles.

20:10 So I have this, this ideas, in mind, and because I believe that it's important that we have the conversation and that's why. That's why you know being in your podcast, which is amazing. You know I love the name. Do you want to share with me? How did you come up with your name, the name of your you want to share with me. How did you come up with your name, the name of your podcast? Well, the name Curveball was given to me by my best friend, Sean Davis, back in junior high and I used that as my hip hop artist name and it stuck with me. So I was like, hey, living the dream with Curveball. I love it. I love it because it is so real right.

20:51 Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely yes. Why don't you throw out your website contact info so people can keep up with everything that you're up to? Okay, thank you. Well, I am present in social media. I am in Instagram and Facebook, tiktok, linkedin. My website is I'm going to spell it out because of my name it's LigiaHubencom L-I-G-I-A-H-O-U-B, as in boy E-Ncom. That's my website and Ligia underscore Huben. Instagram, facebook, ligia Huben, and I am very active.

21:36 Oh, I want to say something important for your public that I have a podcast. It's audio. So soon, I hope, curtis, I'm going to be doing what you're doing and I would love to have you as a guest. I would like to start, you know, having interviews as well, like videos, but right now it's only an audio and the name it's bilingual Spanish and English and it's called Transformando el Duelo Transforming Grief. So it's the same message English and Spanish. They are short messages, between six, seven, eight minutes to 15.

22:18 So they are short, to the point. So I have like the different titles and I already have more than 100. So I am super excited with that. So it's like, based on the topic that you want to dig in, you can choose. You know what I am talking about and then you just go in because I have titled each one of them so you can see them. Okay, so that is something that I have done for the community and I am very, very happy to be sharing with you. And also I have a YouTube channel where I give short messages and about grief, of course, and I also give some messages about personal growth.

23:03 All right, and yes, I would definitely love to be a guest on your show. Thank you Beautiful. Appreciate it. No problem, and listeners, that website will be in the show notes. Close us out with some final thoughts. Maybe, if that was something I forgot to talk about, that you would like to touch on, or any final thoughts you have for the listeners about grief, that let's remember that inside of us we have those amazing resources that can help us Be with your grief. Let's connect with our grief. Do not ignore it.

23:45 Stay present with it. Write, you know, that's something that helps a lot when we put our thoughts to the paper, because, based on how we think, we feel and based on how we feel, we act. So grief is active. Grief is active Depends what we do To talk about it, to express, not to suppress, emotions. Write about exercises. It's a huge one. It's a huge one, curtis. It emotions. Write about exercises. It's a huge one. It's a huge one, curtis. It has helped me a lot because when we move, when we change our physical state, we also change our emotional state. So always remember that you can do something about your grief, your loss, and keep in mind, always keep in mind you can choose to move from a place of suffering to a place of honoring with love.

24:43 Absolutely, ladies and gentlemen. So if you know of anybody that's going through some grief right now and can benefit from Leah's message, please follow share rate, you know. Send this episode to as many people as possible. Leahhubincom, the website to visit to check out her books and everything that she's up to. I'll put that in the show notes. Wwwcurveball337.com is the place to go to keep up with everything. Living the dream with Curveball. Thank you for listening and supporting the show and, leah, thank you for everything that you do and thank you for joining me.

25:25 Thank you, curtis. For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball podcast, visit wwwcurveball337.com. Until next time, keep living the dream.