April 9, 2024

# 81 The Power of Kindness and Self-Discovery | Alan Questel

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Season 1

This episode features a conversation with Alan Questel, who discusses his experiences with the Feldenkrais Method, the essence of kindness, and the significance of self-awareness. Alan reflects on his upbringing in New York, his international teaching experiences, and how small acts of kindness and movements can enhance our well-being and relationships. He emphasizes the importance of introspection and finding comfort in our own presence.

Hightlights:

02:30 The Journey of Teaching and Learning Across Cultures 04:22 Diving Deep into the Feldenkrais Method and Self-Improvement 12:16 Applying Feldenkrais Principles to Everyday Life and Comfort 18:01 The Impact of Movement on Self-Perception and Kindness 25:23 Practical Advice for Daily Comfort and Self-Kindness 27:16 Unlocking New Possibilities Through Personal Growth 27:40 The Power of Intentional Chit Chat 28:52 The Journey of Self-Kindness 30:04 Overcoming Writer's Block with Self-Compassion 30:47 Exploring the Limits of Pleasure and Happiness 32:00 The Continuous Challenge of Self-Improvement 32:35 Turning People into Trees: A Perspective Shift 35:36 Patience, Kindness, and the Fast-Paced World

Connect with Alan:
https://www.newagehuman.com/guests/alan-questel/

Books mentioned (written by Alan):
Creating Creativity, Practice Random Acts of Kindness, Like Yourself More.

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Transcript
WEBVTT

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All right, welcome to the New Age Human Podcast.

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I'm your host, Jonathan Astacio.

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And today, we're talking with Alan Questel, who is known for his clarity, creativity, and down to earth style of teaching.

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Alan has taught Thousands of people in over 20 countries on five continents around the power of kindness and a unique physical movement called the Feldenkrais Method.

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Now, if you wanted to learn how to like yourself more, or hear more about being more consciously self aware and having more patience, and more importantly, what the heck is the Feldenkrais method, stick around to the very end.

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Now, before we begin, if you want to get alerted to future episodes on YouTube or any other video platform, I just ask that you like, and subscribe so you can get those alerts and at the same time, if you want to send some feedback and you want to.

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I don't know.

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Give me some ideas for future episodes or just tell me what you like or dislike.

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I would love to hear from you Just go to NewAgeHuman.

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com and on the contacts tab, just click it.

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And it goes straight to me.

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I read every email.

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Now, with that said, let's get to the show.

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Alan Questel, thank you for coming to the show.

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How's it going, man?

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It's going good and thanks so much for having me today.

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I, um, I appreciate you coming on.

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You have a very kind demeanor and down to earth, you know, you, you read someone's background and then what people say about them and you're like, well, let's see, let's meet the person.

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And I'm like, wow, they're spot on.

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so we're going to be, uh, I want to get to know you and why.

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You're doing your work.

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You say you love what you do.

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And for, for me, I know that, um, especially coming from New York, you're, you're, how are you the, the, the kindest person out there and you're from New York.

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Did you come from New York city?

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I mean, I had to get that out.

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I grew up in Manhattan and you know what I found is that New Yorkers really are kind.

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But the first approximation is like, no, we can't do it.

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But that's just like the surface of them.

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I've seen New Yorkers help people, do things for each other, hold the door, give people money and stuff.

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And it's just a fast paced place that has this reputation for being kind of tough.

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And it can be, but I don't think it's less kind than any place else.

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On the surface, like if you go to the south and everyone's like, how you doing?

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You're looking great.

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Nice to see you.

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I mean, New Yorkers don't do that so much.

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I understand that.

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But deep down, I think we're all kind.

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All of us.

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Every city.

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Hmm.

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Well, it's interesting because I have family in New York and I spent the first like five years of my life in.

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The Bronx area.

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Uh huh.

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And I just remember school was aggressive and I was in first grade thinking, I've got to get ready for these fights that I see every day at lunch.

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And then we moved to Connecticut in the suburbs.

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And I just remember me being shielded up because mentally I was already ready to For, you know, second grade,

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Right.

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you know, the, but because I guess as I got older or as I saw people get older in the school in New York, I saw them be more aggressive.

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And so that was my mental process of focus.

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Suburbs completely different story.

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If anything, they told me chill, chill, chill.

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They were just joking around.

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Have you seen that as you help work with people

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sure.

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I mean, like, you know, I grew up in Manhattan, in New York City, and when I moved to California first, everybody was so nice, I mistrusted it, you know?

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And then, I see a different capacity for that kinder interaction.

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In all the different countries I teach in, you know, like in Taiwan, people are just outgoing and friendly.

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In France, they're a little bit more reserved.

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In Sweden, they're, they're much more reserved, but kind.

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And in Colombia, they're just out there, you know.

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So it, it, it can be really different, and it's, for me, it's a question of kind of noticing that, and then saying, well, how do I meet the person who I want to talk to and be with?

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and you have your unique experience?

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I say unique because I'm speaking for myself.

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You've been to over 20 different countries.

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So of course you're

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No, no.

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I teach, I've taught in 20 different countries.

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I've been to about 40

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Oh my god.

00:04:44.391 --> 00:04:47.802
That's Okay, so you've been to twice the amount that I thought originally.

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Um, that's a lot of countries.

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So yeah, that's a lot of Change is a person.

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I I'm sure because if you don't leave your city or your state, you are going to assume that is the way it is.

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And you know, social media

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right.

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TV and they tell us what people are like.

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So I appreciate that from you.

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And it makes more sense how your energy comes across as being more grounded because you've seen more.

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You've met more people and it sounds like you've gotten past more of their, you know, What do you call it?

00:05:25.317 --> 00:05:27.117
That surface barrier, right?

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Everybody has like that surface shield.

00:05:29.422 --> 00:05:29.812
yeah,

00:05:29.956 --> 00:05:46.247
I want to get into first, what, why, why spend your life and a lot of your teaching and energy around helping people be more kind, why not something else?

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What made you go into that work?

00:05:48.456 --> 00:05:49.156
I'm very curious.

00:05:49.451 --> 00:05:59.062
it actually came from something else, and, but, but to, to, before I answer that part of the question, I would, I would just see one of the things that.

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Most interests me are things that are fundamental and that are cross cultural, right?

00:06:06.891 --> 00:06:13.752
So kindness is a value that I haven't met someone who doesn't value kindness, right?

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And then, you know, what I also talk about is being, creating a kinder world towards ourself and others, but also learning to like ourselves more and, and to be kind to ourselves, which is actually harder than being kind to others, I've found.

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For myself and for others.

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And so, my, my, my, uh, kind of journey into, into finding this idea and promoting it more, uh, is I teach something called the Feldenkrais Method, which is, excuse me, a movement technique that's based on learning theories, and I work with people with orthopedic and neurological problems, professional athletes, actors, dancers, and, uh, I help people with, with all kinds of pain or neurological problems, but also people who want to have a change in their self image, to become more who they wanted themselves to be.

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And there's two modalities within the Feldenkrais Method.

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There's a group class and a private work.

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And in the group class, the movements are done very slow and small so that you can increase your sensitivity and sense yourself more clearly.

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And after a while, you'll With this idea of reminding people to move more slowly, to move more gently with yourself, I started proposing the idea to move in a way that you like the way it feels.

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And of course, these movements are outside of the context of our everyday life.

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It's not like playing the violin or riding a bike where you're trying to achieve or get to a certain level.

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This is just to develop awareness of yourself.

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To improve functioning, to improve self image, to reduce pain, all those things.

00:07:52.781 --> 00:07:56.831
But that they're, they're kind of innocuous movements in the beginning.

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And I found something really interesting.

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That when people started moving in a way that they like the way it feels in that context, more and more continually, that it was like kind of entering the back door of who they were.

00:08:12.502 --> 00:08:14.541
And they started to like themselves more.

00:08:14.672 --> 00:08:19.802
I think one of the best moments I had in teaching that, I was teaching a program in Australia.

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And the programs that I teach are four years long, so it's a long time being with people.

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And at the graduation, when I handed each person their certificate, some of them hugged me and whispered in my ear, I like myself more.

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And I thought, that made it worthwhile for me.

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So, you know, my job there is to train people to become Feldenkrais practitioners.

00:08:41.907 --> 00:08:42.376
And Dr.

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Feldenkrais, when asked the question, Could you describe the method in one sentence, he said, Know thyself.

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So that's my job too, is to help people know themselves better.

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And then, what I've added on to that is what I'm talking about as part of my job, is to help people like themselves more.

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And if that's all they came away with after four years, That's pretty significant.

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And that's fundamental, right?

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And so, how did that lead me to kindness?

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Well, it happened, two things really.

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One was kind of inadvertent that I did some act of kindness.

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I can't even recall what it was.

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And in the next moment, I realized I like myself more.

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And I realized, and I'm not suggesting we just do acts of kindness so we can pat ourselves on the back and like ourselves more.

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But that kindness There was a result of doing that action towards another, with another, that helped me like myself more.

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So liking myself is more intrapersonal, and being kind with others is more interpersonal.

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And I've found that it's so fundamental to who we are as human beings.

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Like, you know, like I said, I travel a lot, I've never been in a culture where people don't want more kindness.

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or they don't want to like themselves more.

00:10:01.851 --> 00:10:04.052
And I don't know why that happens, but

00:10:04.476 --> 00:10:05.937
Yeah, yeah the the bubbles

00:10:06.032 --> 00:10:07.562
the bubbles, I can't control them.

00:10:10.616 --> 00:10:16.976
For anybody listening, um when you put your thumb up and you have like a macbook, you know what happens the bubbles We're starting to see it more.

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It's like an automatic feature.

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But then I try to do it on purpose.

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Yeah, right Try two thumbs up

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No?

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yes, see it It has a mind of its own.

00:10:29.956 --> 00:10:50.067
I really like the know thy self part and I feel a lot of people Are challenged with that as in seeking outwardly for information about yourself, which is interesting I blame school and the other part i'm actually very curious.

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What kind of movements are we talking about with Feldenkrais is it i'm thinking of like someone i'm thinking of a weird extreme Where you're doing these, uh, the movements of not like a samurai, but where you have like the ebb and flow of energy where you have someone standing.

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Are you, are you on like the rocks with people on the ocean side and the breeze?

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And you're just kind of flowing with nature or like, what does it look like?

00:11:15.942 --> 00:11:22.272
Well, the first thing is that it's interesting that you have this martial arts image because Dr.

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Feldenkrais was one of the first Westerners to get a black belt in Judo.

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Nice.

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physicist, an engineer, a mathematician, and he developed his work through his own injuries.

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He destroyed his knees playing soccer as a young man.

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And they said they could operate, but there was a 50 percent chance he wouldn't walk.

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And he said, well, that's crazy.

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And he became his own laboratory.

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So, in a sense, He came to know himself better, as you just proposed.

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And the thing about knowing ourselves more, it's like, I'm not talking about knowing ourselves in terms of, well I like chocolate ice cream and vanilla ice cream, and knowing, that's how I know myself.

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Those are all good things to know about ourselves.

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But to really come to know ourselves more, really what we have to be able to discover are the blind spots in ourselves that we don't know.

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And so the movements in the Feldenkrais Method are very subtle.

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And I started to say before that doing a smaller, slower movement affords us a greater sense of sensitivity.

00:12:22.562 --> 00:12:24.091
And this has actually been studied.

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It's called the Weber Fechner Law.

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That when we reduce the stimulus, we increase the sensitivity.

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So now, if I was to show you a movement, a movement in the Feldenkrais Method, if I said, okay, bring your elbow and your knee towards each other, it's not like that, trying to muscle through it or do the biggest movement.

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It's actually Towards each other, so that as I do that, I can direct someone's attention, because first their attention is on their elbow and their knee.

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But if I said, but when you do that, feel what's your chest doing.

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Where do your eyes go?

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Watch.

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If I look up, it changes the movement.

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If I look towards it, it changes the movement.

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So, we try to include more and more of the self in these slow movements, and again, reminding people to move in a way that they like the way it feels.

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Which is a funny question because when I ask that, are you moving in a way that you like the way it feels?

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Many people discover, no I'm not.

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I'm trying to achieve something.

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So it's a very different context for learning about ourselves through movement.

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And the idea of movement, we can look at it in terms of different aspects of our self image, of who we are, who we can know.

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So there's our thinking.

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Our feeling, our sensing, and our movement, our actions.

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And a change in any one is the potential to change the others.

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If I change how I think, it can change how I feel.

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If I change how I sense, it can change how I think.

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The thing about movement is that it's immediate and concrete.

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I know it in that moment.

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And then I can use it in my everyday life.

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And, you know, I started talking about this idea of moving in a way that we like the way it feels.

00:14:06.192 --> 00:14:10.942
It's not just in these Feldenkrais Lessons, that's the practice in our everyday life.

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In my, in my book on kindness, I have a part about moving in a way that you like the way it feels.

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There's a way of being kinder to yourself.

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And I'm not suggesting all the time.

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I mean that when you get up and go to the, go to the bathroom or go to get a drink of water, just to feel what's the quality of how am I moving.

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Because we don't pay attention to ourselves in those contexts very much.

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And I'm not suggesting dancing to the bathroom, you know.

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Or anything silly like that.

00:14:39.682 --> 00:14:42.022
that is the, what makes you feel good?

00:14:42.157 --> 00:14:42.667
Yeah.

00:14:44.461 --> 00:14:45.491
You know, it's interesting.

00:14:45.501 --> 00:14:47.522
A couple of things kept popping up.

00:14:48.647 --> 00:14:55.216
One, the whole thought process of moving in a way that makes you feel good.

00:14:55.667 --> 00:15:00.216
Well, first you gotta figure out what feels good.

00:15:00.226 --> 00:15:07.341
And I feel A lot of times we don't take the time to just stop,

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Yeah.

00:15:08.761 --> 00:15:09.091
right?

00:15:09.091 --> 00:15:13.761
I don't, I do a lot of movement that doesn't make me feel good.

00:15:14.091 --> 00:15:23.642
If I'm moving stuff out of the car and I try to put everything in one hand and I'm like, I have that extra pinky, it doesn't feel good.

00:15:23.692 --> 00:15:26.591
And I did notice that.

00:15:27.647 --> 00:15:32.736
out of need and necessity for, uh, time crunch.

00:15:32.777 --> 00:15:40.386
And this needs to get done now, now, now, yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, you start to sacrifice a lot of what feels good to you.

00:15:40.876 --> 00:15:51.052
And on those days where I, let's just say I have an open schedule, I do things, I'll take two trips to the car instead of trying to put everything in my hands and like twist my arm.

00:15:51.501 --> 00:15:53.522
back and spine to balance.

00:15:54.062 --> 00:15:59.562
And it's interesting how much that changes your, just your overall being.

00:15:59.572 --> 00:16:02.111
And the other thing, did you want to say something about that?

00:16:02.197 --> 00:16:03.307
Oh, I could say a lot about that.

00:16:03.476 --> 00:16:03.606
Yeah.

00:16:04.714 --> 00:16:18.063
So if you think of a kid drawing, right, a kid sitting on the floor drawing and they're sitting this way and then they're here and then they're that way and they're moving around and you never hear the kid get up and say, Oh mommy, I have a stiff hip

00:16:18.688 --> 00:16:19.168
Right.

00:16:19.443 --> 00:16:22.293
because they're regulating themselves through their state of comfort.

00:16:23.244 --> 00:16:30.423
And we've learned as adults to inhibit that to a high degree, actually, because we have to get things done, like you were saying, right?

00:16:30.844 --> 00:16:32.423
And so I can ask you a question.

00:16:32.433 --> 00:16:35.384
It's a question I ask a lot, which is, and it's a simple question.

00:16:35.394 --> 00:16:36.514
It's a simple answer, I think.

00:16:36.514 --> 00:16:38.833
It's like, when do you decide to get comfortable?

00:16:41.599 --> 00:16:51.048
When I am going to do something big, that's going to require a lot of energy.

00:16:51.224 --> 00:16:53.153
Yeah, but let's say you're in the act already.

00:16:53.183 --> 00:16:55.053
What makes you decide to get comfortable?

00:16:55.379 --> 00:16:57.528
Oh, when I'm not worried about the outcome.

00:16:58.024 --> 00:17:04.148
Well, yeah, but I think the more common answer is, I decide to get comfortable when I'm uncomfortable.

00:17:07.229 --> 00:17:09.159
Well, that's, yes, that's the obvious.

00:17:09.598 --> 00:17:10.848
That's the obvious, I know.

00:17:10.919 --> 00:17:11.398
That's the, yeah,

00:17:11.528 --> 00:17:16.709
if you think about that, if you think about that, that's actually a really crazy criteria.

00:17:17.159 --> 00:17:20.358
That means I don't get comfortable until I'm uncomfortable.

00:17:20.429 --> 00:17:27.499
As opposed to posing the question, as I'm doing something, am I comfortable?

00:17:27.509 --> 00:17:27.828
Yeah.

00:17:27.868 --> 00:17:29.219
Could I be more comfortable?

00:17:29.249 --> 00:17:30.558
Yeah, I can.

00:17:31.128 --> 00:17:31.538
Right?

00:17:31.669 --> 00:17:36.098
So we can shift the continuum from the negative end of it, more and more positive.

00:17:36.098 --> 00:17:43.078
Because, even as I'm sitting here now, if I really think for a moment, I can make a small adjustment and now I'm more comfortable.

00:17:43.489 --> 00:17:44.959
And I was comfortable, right?

00:17:45.229 --> 00:17:56.209
But if that becomes the ongoing criteria in our daily lives, that idea of feeling like I have to get something done has a different quality to it.

00:17:56.229 --> 00:18:05.719
Because I have that, I get, I need to get things done, but maybe I don't need to do it by stressing myself out, right?

00:18:05.729 --> 00:18:15.568
Maybe I can use, I can regulate and monitor myself through a quality of feeling in what I do That feels easier and builds and grows.

00:18:16.868 --> 00:18:17.519
It's interesting.

00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:28.459
My mind is like having a hard time processing, like outside of, um, getting comfortable outside of the need to get comfortable because you're uncomfortable.

00:18:28.509 --> 00:18:35.179
As in, I think I personally have regulated that to be an automatic thing,

00:18:35.548 --> 00:18:36.118
That's good.

00:18:37.068 --> 00:18:37.858
but, but.

00:18:38.298 --> 00:18:48.648
But like, for example, I, I drive a lot, so I get like a little cushion and I haven't gotten, I'm in between like, what do you call those back assists, the lumbar assists.

00:18:49.098 --> 00:18:56.858
And so I have like a shirt that I just kind of roll up and fold it in half and I just put it behind me and like, I'm constantly like shifting cause I'm not comfortable.

00:18:56.868 --> 00:18:57.159
Right.

00:18:57.209 --> 00:19:01.548
And then after a while I'm like, I just have to go, I don't have time to make sure I'm comfortable.

00:19:01.548 --> 00:19:02.778
I'll figure it out later.

00:19:03.088 --> 00:19:04.259
And I feel like that.

00:19:04.653 --> 00:19:05.433
There's a lot of people

00:19:05.898 --> 00:19:08.739
Would you like me to tell you a way to get more comfortable in the car?

00:19:08.913 --> 00:19:09.653
let's do it.

00:19:09.719 --> 00:19:10.219
Okay.

00:19:10.229 --> 00:19:22.419
So the lumbar assist that car, many cars have built in or the pillows that people buy, they work to a certain degree, but if you look at most car seats, most car seats are tilted back like that.

00:19:23.584 --> 00:19:24.203
Yes.

00:19:24.759 --> 00:19:29.788
sitting back in the chair and as long as your pelvis is tilted back like that.

00:19:29.868 --> 00:19:36.378
And then, if we think of moving the pelvis, well, the pelvis moves at two ends.

00:19:36.378 --> 00:19:41.818
It moves at the lumbar spine, the lower back, and it moves at the hip joints, where the legs connect.

00:19:42.499 --> 00:19:47.769
And this seat like this only allows movement in the lumbar spine and the lower back.

00:19:48.358 --> 00:20:05.278
If you take a board and a little cushion like this and flatten the seat and make it a little firmer, Then, you can move at the lower end of your skeleton and have more of a skeletal support so the muscles don't have to work so much.

00:20:05.693 --> 00:20:06.334
Hmm.

00:20:06.374 --> 00:20:07.723
I did see those too.

00:20:07.723 --> 00:20:09.023
It makes perfect sense.

00:20:10.523 --> 00:20:11.713
It makes perfect sense.

00:20:11.743 --> 00:20:13.314
Well, that's some really good advice.

00:20:13.314 --> 00:20:16.094
Get a cushion for your, your behind

00:20:16.189 --> 00:20:18.179
But a cushion that's not too soft.

00:20:18.648 --> 00:20:20.679
Because if it's too soft, you slump into it.

00:20:20.999 --> 00:20:22.489
You want something that's a little firm.

00:20:22.739 --> 00:20:23.038
Yeah.

00:20:23.163 --> 00:20:23.653
Okay.

00:20:24.493 --> 00:20:24.953
Hmm.

00:20:25.013 --> 00:20:25.683
Interesting.

00:20:26.068 --> 00:20:26.489
Hmm.

00:20:26.763 --> 00:20:42.983
I started, I started actually thinking about how nowadays a lot of people don't move that much, especially if you're working from home, you can find yourself sitting in front of the computer for a while and you spend extra money on that chair.

00:20:43.743 --> 00:20:51.034
And, uh, I have some friends and family that are personal trainers and it's interesting and I think you'll appreciate this.

00:20:51.034 --> 00:20:54.723
I'm sure you know all about it, but you have these C level executives.

00:20:55.778 --> 00:20:57.798
that don't know their body.

00:20:57.838 --> 00:20:58.419
Yeah.

00:20:58.419 --> 00:20:58.618
Mm

00:20:58.939 --> 00:21:03.058
And so this person, the trainer is telling them, okay, so we're going to do this workout.

00:21:03.068 --> 00:21:10.209
And they try to describe it and they even show them and the person moves completely in the wrong direction.

00:21:10.219 --> 00:21:10.308
Like.

00:21:10.854 --> 00:21:11.673
Everywhere.

00:21:12.304 --> 00:21:24.453
And I can only imagine like for my question to you is people that don't know their body like that, that are in a, that are in a high, like a C level position or even not, it doesn't matter.

00:21:25.334 --> 00:21:32.354
What do you, what do you, what thoughts come through your head with, with that not knowing your body?

00:21:32.364 --> 00:21:36.144
Cause I'm pretty sure that they don't have a clear idea of what makes them comfortable.

00:21:36.249 --> 00:21:37.769
Well, I would say two things.

00:21:37.769 --> 00:21:41.128
The first thing is I approach them with a great deal of patience.

00:21:42.608 --> 00:21:43.858
That's the most important thing.

00:21:43.858 --> 00:21:45.838
So that they feel safe enough to learn.

00:21:46.219 --> 00:21:52.509
Because if they feel pushed to do something and having to get it right, which most of us do, it's not just a C level person, it's anybody.

00:21:52.538 --> 00:21:53.409
We want to do it right.

00:21:53.409 --> 00:21:54.388
We want to be good at it.

00:21:54.828 --> 00:21:57.479
That we're not really paying attention to ourselves.

00:21:57.509 --> 00:21:59.898
We're working off some external image of something.

00:21:59.909 --> 00:22:01.429
Especially if it's been shown to us.

00:22:03.348 --> 00:22:10.989
And the, the degree to which people don't know themselves in their body, there's a pretty wide range.

00:22:11.328 --> 00:22:17.038
Like when I work with professional, really professional dancers and athletes, they know themselves pretty well.

00:22:17.479 --> 00:22:19.788
To a very subtle, clear level.

00:22:19.989 --> 00:22:22.528
And that's what allowed them to become so successful.

00:22:23.138 --> 00:22:35.219
In their careers by doing something like that, but everyone, even they can come to know themselves better in terms of how they can move and what they can do, right?

00:22:35.219 --> 00:22:44.818
And so that's something that, and one of the things that brings about an environment where someone can pursue that without trying to achieve it.

00:22:45.794 --> 00:22:47.074
is novelty.

00:22:49.034 --> 00:22:52.983
Unusual movements, where they have to figure something out, not to imitate.

00:22:53.483 --> 00:22:55.314
When I teach, I never demonstrate.

00:22:55.433 --> 00:23:03.003
I describe people, I take them through a process, so that they start to feel themselves more accurately, more clearly.

00:23:03.263 --> 00:23:14.618
And really, the key word there that I would say in terms of how they can learn that It's through connection and when I talk about connection, I'm talking about something very concrete.

00:23:14.949 --> 00:23:19.489
I'm talking about a connection of movement skeletally through a person.

00:23:20.919 --> 00:23:27.989
And if that happens, then the skeleton, which its function and movement is to bear weight and transmits force.

00:23:28.298 --> 00:23:32.229
starts doing its job better, and then our muscles work less.

00:23:32.598 --> 00:23:41.638
So that image I showed you of a car seat and putting something on it to level yourself off, to move more in your skeleton, that gives you more skeletal support.

00:23:42.134 --> 00:23:45.673
And the result of that is you work less in your musculature.

00:23:46.074 --> 00:23:50.693
And the result of that is that you feel that movement is easier.

00:23:50.834 --> 00:23:53.693
And the result of that is that you like yourself more.

00:23:54.534 --> 00:23:57.773
So I think these things are all connected and grow together.

00:23:58.094 --> 00:24:02.304
And of course that's not, I'm not suggesting that's the only way to come to like ourselves more.

00:24:02.733 --> 00:24:03.993
I think there are other aspects.

00:24:03.993 --> 00:24:07.453
As I, I don't know if I mentioned it when we were talking already.

00:24:07.844 --> 00:24:22.878
That um, You know, when I came to the idea of creating more kindness, you know, which I, I see this liking ourselves more, creating more kindness is my mission, and it took me a while to kind of get that in my head.

00:24:22.878 --> 00:24:25.868
I went, it sounded too simple, but it's not simple.

00:24:26.068 --> 00:24:33.061
It's really a big job, and, When I would do an act of kindness and realize, Oh, I like myself better after that.

00:24:33.211 --> 00:24:47.751
And again, as I said, not to pat myself on the back, Oh, I'm so kind, but to go, Oh, these actions make a difference in the area external to just me, not just internally what I feel, but the world around me is a better place.

00:24:48.281 --> 00:24:49.281
When I'm a little kinder.

00:24:49.342 --> 00:24:57.582
And you know, the funny thing is that since I've written this book, I find that I actually see more and more kindness than I saw before.

00:24:58.241 --> 00:25:00.821
And I'm like, how did I not see that?

00:25:01.261 --> 00:25:01.582
Right?

00:25:01.862 --> 00:25:04.642
I don't think the world changed all of a sudden cause I wrote a book.

00:25:05.011 --> 00:25:08.092
I think I became more aware of something because of that.

00:25:09.362 --> 00:25:16.862
And that, so, so that person, that, that sea level person or sea level, it sounds like the Aquaman or something.

00:25:16.862 --> 00:25:17.701
That's not what we mean.

00:25:18.031 --> 00:25:18.301
Right.

00:25:19.061 --> 00:25:20.311
That level person.

00:25:20.622 --> 00:25:27.251
Um, it's a lot of what I'm talking about comes from their want, their desire.

00:25:27.761 --> 00:25:35.102
And one thing, and I have to be careful of this, even with myself, because in my field, I'm considered an expert.

00:25:35.682 --> 00:25:42.672
That's a dangerous place, because then people think what I say is the way it should be, and I'm not saying that at all.

00:25:43.061 --> 00:25:46.082
I'm saying, try this in your car, see if it helps you.

00:25:46.511 --> 00:25:49.862
If it doesn't help you, it was a bad idea for you, right?

00:25:50.142 --> 00:26:03.662
And so, anytime an expert comes with an idea of how we should move, or telling you how you should be kind, or telling you how you should like yourself more, I just, I'm a little mistrustful of it, you know, it's like affirmations.

00:26:04.311 --> 00:26:09.041
I can sit there and I go, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself.

00:26:09.041 --> 00:26:14.271
Another ten minutes, okay, I like myself, I like myself, I like myself, excuse me.

00:26:14.301 --> 00:26:21.241
And maybe during that time I like myself a little bit more, but then what happens when I leave that meditation, that affirmation?

00:26:22.001 --> 00:26:30.321
So I'm interested in the concrete, everyday things we can practice that we can like ourselves more, that we can be kinder to others.

00:26:30.321 --> 00:26:30.362
Okay.

00:26:30.922 --> 00:26:38.592
What are some of those things that we can practice daily that could be simple that we can share with the audience?

00:26:38.846 --> 00:26:44.817
Well, I can tell you, um, When I was 19, I moved out of my parents house.

00:26:45.626 --> 00:26:50.797
And at 19, I realized I didn't do anything well.

00:26:51.672 --> 00:26:53.701
I was a failure at 19.

00:26:53.801 --> 00:26:55.402
I wasn't old enough to be a success.

00:26:55.402 --> 00:26:56.531
How can I be a failure?

00:26:56.892 --> 00:26:57.271
Right.

00:26:57.682 --> 00:27:04.422
And, And, I started thinking, like, what could I teach myself to do well?

00:27:04.892 --> 00:27:07.521
And I picked, oddly, brushing my teeth.

00:27:07.561 --> 00:27:08.922
I didn't brush my teeth well.

00:27:09.382 --> 00:27:16.491
And the, the, the thing that was clever about this, which I didn't realize at the time, was it was something that no one knew about.

00:27:17.622 --> 00:27:19.842
The only person who might know about it was my dentist.

00:27:19.872 --> 00:27:21.321
He already knew, right?

00:27:21.701 --> 00:27:23.432
But, if I didn't brush my teeth?

00:27:23.592 --> 00:27:40.281
So what if I did brush my teeth great and I started doing that and over a not a month like a number of months maybe a year I started getting better at this and then I realized that all my sabbat unconscious sabotaging me.

00:27:40.281 --> 00:27:46.362
sabbat Interactions with myself showed up in this simple act of learning to brush my teeth better.

00:27:47.031 --> 00:27:53.741
So, if I, if I'm suggesting to someone to, to find a pathway, that you find something every day.

00:27:53.741 --> 00:27:55.801
Maybe it's turning the lights out in each room.

00:27:55.801 --> 00:27:58.092
Maybe it's folding your clothes before you go to bed.

00:27:58.311 --> 00:27:59.981
Maybe it's making your bed in the morning.

00:28:00.392 --> 00:28:04.682
Something simple that wouldn't interfere with your life if you didn't do it.

00:28:05.142 --> 00:28:07.531
And you're not such a horrible failure if you didn't do it.

00:28:07.961 --> 00:28:11.132
But something that's possible to change.

00:28:11.652 --> 00:28:15.082
And there's a lot to learn in those kind of actions like that.

00:28:15.422 --> 00:28:23.092
Where we can, at the end, over time, go, Well, if I can learn to brush my teeth better, Maybe I can learn to do this better, and this better.

00:28:23.281 --> 00:28:27.602
Because we've set up the structure for it without even realizing.

00:28:28.182 --> 00:28:31.531
So that we can do all kinds of things we never thought were possible before.

00:28:32.031 --> 00:28:34.451
And that's, that's like a personal thing.

00:28:34.721 --> 00:28:39.592
I can think of a, an interpersonal thing is just listening to people.

00:28:40.251 --> 00:28:42.231
Listening without trying to respond.

00:28:43.311 --> 00:28:43.991
Just listening.

00:28:44.001 --> 00:28:47.281
And I can make it really simple like, this is a great story.

00:28:47.291 --> 00:28:59.261
A good friend of mine, we're living in New York, and we were at the bank and he was in front of me, and he put his deposit down, and the teller took it, and then he said, so how are you doing today?

00:29:00.132 --> 00:29:02.442
And the teller kind of looked up surprised, surprised.

00:29:03.011 --> 00:29:05.602
And, and she was like, uh, good.

00:29:06.422 --> 00:29:07.291
Oh, oh good.

00:29:07.382 --> 00:29:10.961
And they started just a three sentence conversation.

00:29:11.571 --> 00:29:13.912
And I said to my friend, he was from the Bronx actually.

00:29:13.912 --> 00:29:16.642
And I said, where'd you learn to do that?

00:29:16.642 --> 00:29:17.582
And he said, I don't know.

00:29:18.231 --> 00:29:20.471
So I call that intentional chit chat.

00:29:21.152 --> 00:29:23.541
You know, and I'm not talking about the smiley face.

00:29:23.541 --> 00:29:24.211
Hey, how are you?

00:29:24.211 --> 00:29:24.781
Blah, blah, blah.

00:29:25.152 --> 00:29:28.551
I'm talking about really paying attention to someone for the moment.

00:29:29.196 --> 00:29:33.317
When you're out, you know, when you're checking out at the supermarket, how's your day going?

00:29:34.557 --> 00:29:36.576
And it takes them, it's a surprise.

00:29:36.606 --> 00:29:43.086
On the phone when you're talking to an airline or a helpline or something, a chat line, to say, busy day?

00:29:43.896 --> 00:29:44.666
How's it going?

00:29:45.067 --> 00:29:45.156
You

00:29:45.352 --> 00:29:45.862
Yeah, I like

00:29:46.037 --> 00:29:50.116
it makes a big difference with people and it builds on itself.

00:29:50.596 --> 00:29:55.067
It adds up to something and, and I'll tell you, you end up being treated better.

00:29:55.616 --> 00:29:56.307
As well.

00:29:56.787 --> 00:29:59.487
So it it, it comes back to us.

00:29:59.606 --> 00:30:09.217
And of course in my book I've got lots of exercises about liking ourselves more, lots of exercises about being kinder to others, kinder to ourselves.

00:30:09.826 --> 00:30:12.826
As I said earlier, being kinder to ourselves.

00:30:13.386 --> 00:30:14.136
That's harder.

00:30:14.426 --> 00:30:21.156
When I was writing the book and I got to the part about kindness to ourselves, I got blocked for about five years.

00:30:22.531 --> 00:30:24.771
you got blocked as in you're having a hard time.

00:30:24.866 --> 00:30:25.557
I couldn't write.

00:30:25.707 --> 00:30:28.738
I was like, I, I feel, I don't, I thought I understood this, but I don't.

00:30:29.852 --> 00:30:30.541
Wow.

00:30:30.636 --> 00:30:35.727
I think I had to learn a lot about being kind to myself, which it's not easy.

00:30:35.787 --> 00:30:45.626
I would say that one of the biggest challenges in being kind to ourself and liking ourselves more is that it's, it sounds so easy.

00:30:46.596 --> 00:30:47.557
Everyone wants it.

00:30:48.041 --> 00:30:55.041
But, when we really start doing it, we have to start to investigate all the ways that we get in the way of doing that.

00:30:55.142 --> 00:31:10.743
All the, all the judgments we have about how others do it, and the ways we think it should be, and to examine ourselves in a way that, with patience, with kindness, to see that, oh, it's something I need to practice, that it doesn't just happen, right?

00:31:10.743 --> 00:31:11.368
Well, at

00:31:11.491 --> 00:31:16.971
So those five years, what did you do so that you were able to unblock yourself?

00:31:16.971 --> 00:31:17.721
I'm curious.

00:31:24.257 --> 00:31:28.207
You know, or I'd write things and it just felt like blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:31:28.366 --> 00:31:29.497
This is, who cares about this?

00:31:29.497 --> 00:31:31.047
This doesn't make any sense.

00:31:31.686 --> 00:31:37.906
And then after a while, I thought, What does it really mean to be kind to myself?

00:31:38.886 --> 00:31:43.166
It's not just taking myself out to dinner or buying myself a new car.

00:31:44.426 --> 00:31:53.727
It's, it's really about, Investigating the deeper values I hold about being kind to myself that I didn't know that I had.

00:31:55.106 --> 00:32:02.606
Like, like, for many of us, the idea of finding more pleasure in our life, that's a great value.

00:32:03.977 --> 00:32:10.247
But we don't realize that most of us, most of us don't realize that we have a threshold for pleasure.

00:32:10.977 --> 00:32:15.126
If things start feeling too good, people start feeling uncomfortable.

00:32:15.136 --> 00:32:16.567
Like, what's gonna happen next?

00:32:17.082 --> 00:32:18.761
I feel like that's a movie thing for me.

00:32:18.761 --> 00:32:24.511
Whenever like a movie, it gets to a place where everybody's happy and the kids are smiling.

00:32:24.511 --> 00:32:25.612
And I'm like, something bad's

00:32:25.737 --> 00:32:26.676
Yeah, yeah, right.

00:32:27.207 --> 00:32:27.717
That's right.

00:32:28.372 --> 00:32:29.071
That's right.

00:32:29.241 --> 00:32:29.731
Yeah, yeah.

00:32:29.942 --> 00:32:32.612
But we do that unconsciously with ourselves, too.

00:32:32.922 --> 00:32:36.811
We don't realize it, that we limit our lives in a way.

00:32:37.011 --> 00:32:37.592
Why?

00:32:37.892 --> 00:32:41.311
Because of the culture we grew up in, because of the families we grew up in.

00:32:41.311 --> 00:32:45.152
It's not to fault the culture or our parents or anything like that.

00:32:45.442 --> 00:32:51.571
It's to understand that I have a fixed, unconscious value about something.

00:32:51.961 --> 00:32:54.096
And that, uh, I can learn more about it.

00:32:54.237 --> 00:33:00.336
So, you know, all the things I'm talking about, liking ourselves more, being kinder, being kinder to myself.

00:33:01.211 --> 00:33:02.112
I'm not done.

00:33:02.701 --> 00:33:04.031
I'm still encountering it.

00:33:04.172 --> 00:33:07.201
And, you know, I said it's a challenge, right?

00:33:07.201 --> 00:33:08.271
It can be a challenge.

00:33:08.582 --> 00:33:11.711
But the challenge is even beyond what I initially mentioned.

00:33:11.711 --> 00:33:27.247
Because the better I get at being kinder towards myself and towards others, the better I get at liking myself more, the next rung on the ladder to be kinder or like myself more, the next rung on is even further away.

00:33:28.402 --> 00:33:30.402
Well, what did that next rung on the letter be?

00:33:30.412 --> 00:33:31.051
If you were to

00:33:31.527 --> 00:33:34.547
Well, let me, can I read you something from the

00:33:34.721 --> 00:33:35.342
go ahead.

00:33:35.906 --> 00:33:40.307
So this isn't from me, this is a quote, one of my favorite quotes from Ram Dass.

00:33:41.196 --> 00:33:47.356
He says, When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees.

00:33:47.767 --> 00:33:49.027
And some of them are bent.

00:33:49.567 --> 00:33:53.277
You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way.

00:33:53.896 --> 00:33:56.477
And you don't get all emotional about it, you just allow it.

00:33:57.176 --> 00:33:59.846
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that.

00:34:00.461 --> 00:34:03.711
You're constantly saying you're to this and I'm to this.

00:34:03.991 --> 00:34:05.582
The judgment mind comes in.

00:34:06.291 --> 00:34:10.581
And so I practice turning people into trees.

00:34:11.001 --> 00:34:14.641
Which means appreciating them just the way they are.

00:34:15.692 --> 00:34:18.461
So, you know, I travel a lot.

00:34:18.501 --> 00:34:19.782
I'm in airports a lot.

00:34:20.342 --> 00:34:23.262
And I think I do something that I think we all do.

00:34:23.262 --> 00:34:24.822
I'll be looking at some stranger.

00:34:25.166 --> 00:34:27.067
And I'm making up a story about them.

00:34:27.777 --> 00:34:30.706
Sometimes it's a good story, sometimes it's a negative story.

00:34:31.666 --> 00:34:33.777
But it's this meh story in my head.

00:34:33.777 --> 00:34:35.606
Sometimes it's comparing it to myself.

00:34:35.697 --> 00:34:36.117
Right?

00:34:37.016 --> 00:34:47.367
And, you know, the, the, the part that I'm really interested in and trying to help people more is like, how do I catch that moment that I'm doing that?

00:34:47.606 --> 00:34:48.376
That's tricky.

00:34:49.277 --> 00:34:52.467
And if I can catch it, then I can do something about it.

00:34:52.916 --> 00:34:59.617
So, of course, I got to the point where I could catch it, But I can't read the whole quote to myself every time.

00:34:59.617 --> 00:35:01.097
It's too long, right?

00:35:01.356 --> 00:35:24.302
But what I've learned to do is if I catch it and I'm looking at someone and I just go tree and it's like The whole story I made up just dropped away and I'm just seeing the person but that's not easy to do Right, and I don't expect in my lifetime to be to get to the point where I just look at everyone Like, oh, everyone's a beautiful person.

00:35:24.302 --> 00:35:25.362
I'm not in that place.

00:35:25.722 --> 00:35:33.382
You know, so it's, it's a big challenge to, to, to, to learn how to be the person we want to be.

00:35:33.481 --> 00:35:34.302
I want to be,

00:35:35.172 --> 00:35:35.572
Right.

00:35:36.041 --> 00:35:37.492
I like that.

00:35:38.512 --> 00:35:40.492
I haven't heard of that one.

00:35:40.492 --> 00:35:41.652
That's, that's a good one.

00:35:41.771 --> 00:35:46.992
And my creative mind is literally turning people into trees.

00:35:47.012 --> 00:35:49.152
I'm like, what kind of tree would that person look like?

00:35:49.192 --> 00:35:51.851
And is that person a bush or tree, you know?

00:35:52.101 --> 00:36:27.942
But the whole idea of, well, the branches and the trees rotate and they tilt towards where the sun is, Shining the most, and I totally get that where people, individuals, we create personas, we have habits, we have likes, dislikes, based off of what shines on us the most, so to speak, culture, parenting, belief structure, and I totally see that comparison, and I really feel like that's a very powerful way to move forward.

00:36:28.512 --> 00:36:35.391
To work with when it comes to just having patience with people, is there anything that you have?

00:36:36.632 --> 00:36:43.251
So, interesting enough, at the time of this recording, we're, we're about to experience in the U.

00:36:43.251 --> 00:36:43.652
S.

00:36:43.702 --> 00:36:46.612
a pretty big solar eclipse.

00:36:46.677 --> 00:36:47.126
yeah.

00:36:47.641 --> 00:36:53.842
And are you familiar with the term lunatic, being that the

00:36:53.987 --> 00:36:55.027
the moon doesn't it?

00:36:55.306 --> 00:37:03.686
Yes, that's why I said Luna pause tick That effect on people being let's just say less patient with each other.

00:37:04.436 --> 00:37:08.677
I'm very curious Have you ever thought of that connection?

00:37:08.806 --> 00:37:12.927
And if if yes, what are your thoughts on?

00:37:13.306 --> 00:37:14.016
What's going on?

00:37:14.027 --> 00:37:14.456
Now?

00:37:14.516 --> 00:37:17.967
I'm seeing honestly more Road rage.

00:37:18.106 --> 00:37:18.717
Oh.

00:37:19.387 --> 00:37:19.786
Yeah.

00:37:20.317 --> 00:37:21.177
what are your thoughts on that?

00:37:21.206 --> 00:37:27.347
Well, let's go back to lunatic for a moment because I think it can be understood in different ways.

00:37:27.347 --> 00:37:31.007
It's not about people being impatient, just that, it can be that.

00:37:31.416 --> 00:37:33.666
It's about them losing their inhibitions.

00:37:35.226 --> 00:37:42.856
So a lunatic could be someone who's just dancing in the street happy, but we get it, we step away from them because they look dangerous all of a sudden, right?

00:37:43.146 --> 00:37:44.556
And so that, that, that's.

00:37:44.981 --> 00:37:49.862
That's another way to interpret the idea of lunatic, which isn't a bad thing, right?

00:37:50.092 --> 00:37:54.442
Unless there's no choice in it, unless they can't help themselves.

00:37:54.481 --> 00:38:12.802
And in terms of the world being angry I think one of the things, and it's connected to patience actually, because I think one of the things that perpetuates that apparent quality, I can't, I don't know for sure if it's true or not, is that everything's going so fast.

00:38:14.027 --> 00:38:19.777
How many times are you on the helpline with someone, and they apologize for how slow their computer's going?

00:38:20.356 --> 00:38:27.317
Now, I'm a lot older than you, so I remember when computers were real, when we didn't have computers, and just people were slow, right?

00:38:27.427 --> 00:38:33.746
And so, so, when, when, and I kind of laugh at it every time someone says that.

00:38:34.516 --> 00:38:42.367
And each time I get a new computer and it's faster, I'm going like, it's faster! And I'm like, the other one was pretty fast.

00:38:42.567 --> 00:38:44.896
I mean, is this, how fast does it need to be?

00:38:46.192 --> 00:38:59.751
But I think that speed, I think the internet, especially with social media, where people start creating a sense of liking themselves literally through how many likes they have, you know?

00:38:59.831 --> 00:39:07.722
I mean, I have a page on Facebook called Like Yourself More, and every day I post something that says, things that make you smile.

00:39:08.791 --> 00:39:13.967
And if I get like a thousand hits on it, I'm I'm like, wow.

00:39:14.027 --> 00:39:16.306
I'm like, what am I doing?

00:39:16.577 --> 00:39:17.527
I'm amazing.

00:39:17.547 --> 00:39:17.907
Yeah.

00:39:17.907 --> 00:39:18.266
Amazing.

00:39:18.367 --> 00:39:22.617
But if I get 120, I'm disappointed all of a sudden.

00:39:22.626 --> 00:39:25.927
It's kind of like, that's not the place where I need to value myself.

00:39:26.257 --> 00:39:29.186
So our world is going faster and faster.

00:39:29.612 --> 00:39:34.942
We hear, because we're drawn more to the negative news and the news stations like that.

00:39:35.342 --> 00:39:45.452
So we hear mostly the negative news and we hear more and more of it and every day we hear about it to the point where we start to feel like, what's the world I'm living in?

00:39:46.242 --> 00:39:54.041
But as I said in the beginning, that I, I, since I've written the book, I find that people, I see more kindness than I ever saw before.

00:39:55.126 --> 00:40:05.277
And I'm surprised at it, you know, I'm like, yeah, and I see what you're talking about though, the road rage and you know, road rage when I, I can feel that in myself.

00:40:05.887 --> 00:40:09.867
And so, you know, I can't do the trees when I'm driving.

00:40:10.197 --> 00:40:12.016
I can't think that driver's a tree.

00:40:12.056 --> 00:40:12.677
God damn it.

00:40:12.686 --> 00:40:24.637
You know, what I, what I've learned to do is, and I, it's not easy is that if someone cuts me off, I feel that moment of irritation and anger.

00:40:24.677 --> 00:40:26.166
And I guess, can I laugh?

00:40:27.581 --> 00:40:28.891
First of all, am I safe?

00:40:28.902 --> 00:40:29.652
Yeah, I'm safe.

00:40:29.722 --> 00:40:31.391
Okay, the guy's a little nutty, yeah.

00:40:31.681 --> 00:40:33.681
Who knows what's going on in that other car?

00:40:33.931 --> 00:40:37.351
Who knows if they're trying to get to the hospital because someone's dying?

00:40:37.931 --> 00:40:42.612
Who knows if they're just super impatient, you know?

00:40:43.172 --> 00:40:55.842
So, there's, there's a lot to understand about that, take it apart, unpack it in a way that can help us, and all we can do is, is do it as an individual, know?

00:40:56.802 --> 00:41:15.152
I started doing this myself because I spent so much time on the road and maybe it's something similar to what you're helping people with, but I'm used to driving in the fast lane and I have this constant feeling of needing to go faster than everybody.

00:41:16.152 --> 00:41:23.411
And then, uh, I also on days where I'm really stressed, I'm like, you know what, I'm going to ride the slow lane.

00:41:23.641 --> 00:41:34.936
I'm going to just, Ride the slow lane and I noticed that I have more patience because I'm not in a rush It's apparent that I'm not in rush because I'm in the slow lane I'm in the first lane.

00:41:35.217 --> 00:41:38.757
And so when I see a car whizzing past I have this adrenaline rush.

00:41:38.757 --> 00:41:41.686
I'm like, yeah, let's go But then I'm like no they're they're in a rush.

00:41:41.726 --> 00:41:42.677
I'm in the slow lane.

00:41:42.697 --> 00:41:43.996
I'm gonna you know what?

00:41:44.487 --> 00:41:56.137
I've been on this route a hundred times plus I'd never noticed that crazy scenic view of the mountain, or I never noticed those trees

00:41:56.161 --> 00:41:56.572
Yeah.

00:41:57.447 --> 00:42:08.507
and it's amazing what happens, or I saw something similar happened to me where I started jogging in the morning when the weather permitted it and.

00:42:09.306 --> 00:42:16.657
As I'm catching my breath, you have, you have to walk slow and you have to be present because you're, you're trying to breathe at this point.

00:42:16.666 --> 00:42:21.217
Cause I pushed myself pretty hard, but it, so it was like a forced presence.

00:42:21.237 --> 00:42:25.896
And then I looked up, I'm like, huh, I never noticed that that house's roof is falling apart.

00:42:26.036 --> 00:42:29.447
Just like stuff that you just did not notice.

00:42:29.641 --> 00:42:43.842
Well, that's that famous quote of stop and smell the roses, you know, but you know Did you ever have the experience when you're driving fast and someone first come and go so I'll finally just get past them and you Pull off at the exit and all of a sudden they roll up next to you

00:42:44.137 --> 00:42:44.746
Yes.

00:42:45.081 --> 00:42:46.612
didn't save any time at all.

00:42:46.842 --> 00:42:48.192
What was I rushing for?

00:42:48.612 --> 00:42:58.411
Or, you know, the idea of like, I heard this Buddhist monk talking once on public radio.

00:42:58.882 --> 00:43:05.032
And he was saying, if you want to practice patience, when you're at the supermarket, get on the longest line.

00:43:05.032 --> 00:43:09.061
And I would remember that.

00:43:09.731 --> 00:43:11.262
After I got on the shortest line,

00:43:12.297 --> 00:43:12.797
Oh

00:43:12.911 --> 00:43:13.391
right?

00:43:13.771 --> 00:43:20.922
And then, of course, I get on the shortest line, but then the next person in front of me can't find her checkbook, and is dawdling, and how much is it?

00:43:20.922 --> 00:43:23.012
And it's like taking even longer.

00:43:23.431 --> 00:43:32.132
And it's almost like it doesn't matter what line or what lane we're in, it's the attitude we bring to each of those situations, you know?

00:43:32.371 --> 00:43:35.532
How do we just go, Oh, I'm doing this again.

00:43:35.532 --> 00:43:36.592
That's knowing ourselves.

00:43:37.581 --> 00:43:48.092
That's a way of knowing ourself that I can, I can, not that I don't have the impatience or the need to rush or something like that, but, but I can, I notice it and I can do something about it.

00:43:48.141 --> 00:43:49.032
There's a choice in it.

00:43:49.302 --> 00:43:50.521
It's not so compulsive.

00:43:51.092 --> 00:43:51.972
That's the hard part.

00:43:53.947 --> 00:43:59.396
And now that I'm, I'm reflecting on myself and speaking of grocery stores, right?

00:43:59.637 --> 00:44:01.836
My thought is, all right, I got two things I got to pick up.

00:44:01.836 --> 00:44:02.717
It's a mission.

00:44:02.817 --> 00:44:02.996
All right.

00:44:03.016 --> 00:44:04.347
I got to pick up this and this.

00:44:04.356 --> 00:44:05.186
I'm going to go in there.

00:44:05.186 --> 00:44:05.896
I'm going to find it.

00:44:06.117 --> 00:44:10.737
I'm going to find the shortest line or go through the self checkout and then I'm done.

00:44:10.876 --> 00:44:11.306
Right.

00:44:12.186 --> 00:44:18.867
And then you go and you have all these lanes and you're like, okay, so by my calculations, I see this.

00:44:19.806 --> 00:44:25.077
Cart has halfway full and this person, but that's two people in line.

00:44:25.106 --> 00:44:29.987
And then this line has five people in line, but they seem to be all holding their stuff.

00:44:29.987 --> 00:44:32.726
So how do I calculate this?

00:44:32.757 --> 00:44:35.547
And so I'm like in the middle of those two, right?

00:44:35.577 --> 00:44:42.757
And then I'm, so I'm looking at those two lanes, plus anybody who's passing by, if they're going to go into that one or that one.

00:44:43.097 --> 00:44:43.436
Right.

00:44:43.436 --> 00:44:46.186
So like that is not healthy.

00:44:46.197 --> 00:44:46.606
Right.

00:44:47.137 --> 00:44:49.382
Um, no.

00:44:49.632 --> 00:44:57.391
you know, but it, it doesn't like help us feel better, you know, or here's a trick.

00:44:57.592 --> 00:45:00.711
You get in this, in the, in the, in the slow line.

00:45:01.246 --> 00:45:04.967
And then you see someone behind you with just a few things and you say, you can go ahead of me.

00:45:05.101 --> 00:45:05.521
Yeah.

00:45:06.246 --> 00:45:07.126
That really shocks.

00:45:07.177 --> 00:45:09.817
People are always surprised when I do that, you know?

00:45:10.387 --> 00:45:12.577
And so that's an act of kindness, right?

00:45:12.606 --> 00:45:16.536
That's giving someone the chance to go in front of you.

00:45:17.666 --> 00:45:19.487
But then we have to step back for ourselves.

00:45:19.617 --> 00:45:20.226
And you know what?

00:45:20.427 --> 00:45:24.797
Sometimes I do that, and then I start getting impatient with them because they're taking so long.

00:45:25.757 --> 00:45:28.117
And I go, ha ha ha, what did I just do?

00:45:28.677 --> 00:45:29.467
I just did that.

00:45:29.467 --> 00:45:30.606
That's crazy, you know?

00:45:30.606 --> 00:45:31.996
I just said, go ahead.

00:45:31.996 --> 00:45:32.277
Yeah.

00:45:32.277 --> 00:45:32.617
Yeah.

00:45:32.681 --> 00:45:34.211
I

00:45:34.322 --> 00:45:38.291
me of, uh, Have you ever seen the movie Fun With, uh, no, no.

00:45:38.612 --> 00:45:39.851
Me, Myself, and Irene.

00:45:40.771 --> 00:45:42.552
did, but a long time, remind me of it.

00:45:43.351 --> 00:45:51.052
So, the main character is Jim Carrey and he has, He ends up going bipolar because he's super, super nice.

00:45:51.092 --> 00:45:52.782
And he lets everybody walk over him.

00:45:52.902 --> 00:45:54.842
And he's, uh, I think a Rhode Island or

00:45:55.172 --> 00:45:55.461
Oh, Yeah.

00:45:55.842 --> 00:45:59.501
And isn't he, doesn't he go to jail in court or something?

00:45:59.922 --> 00:46:02.271
And he starts being super, he was really nasty.

00:46:02.402 --> 00:46:04.081
And then he starts being, telling the truth.

00:46:04.081 --> 00:46:04.672
Or is that another

00:46:04.692 --> 00:46:05.891
No, that's, that's liar,

00:46:06.152 --> 00:46:06.702
Oh, sorry.

00:46:06.702 --> 00:46:07.152
Okay.

00:46:07.552 --> 00:46:09.817
But, well, so the reason why I brought up this one.

00:46:10.916 --> 00:46:14.157
Myself and Irene, he goes bipolar and he goes opposite.

00:46:14.157 --> 00:46:17.637
He has an ultra nice personality, which is what he's used to.

00:46:17.637 --> 00:46:19.077
And then he just snaps.

00:46:19.217 --> 00:46:28.697
And the day he snaps is when he's at the grocery store and there's this woman with a cart and he's like, you know what, go ahead.

00:46:29.126 --> 00:46:34.177
And then she's like, she whistles and she, and then like three more carts of all her kids come.

00:46:34.246 --> 00:46:36.606
And so he's just like, he just snaps.

00:46:37.246 --> 00:46:41.896
And that, that just, that scene reminded me of like, you be prepared, right.

00:46:41.907 --> 00:46:45.447
For consequences of being nice.

00:46:45.447 --> 00:46:46.396
And then, you know.

00:46:47.597 --> 00:46:50.567
being more mindful of what is going on in your mind.

00:46:50.646 --> 00:46:53.567
And you know, he, he, he knew himself.

00:46:54.317 --> 00:46:55.516
He had a whole different experience.

00:46:55.516 --> 00:46:57.166
He had a whole movie of knowing himself

00:46:57.311 --> 00:46:57.581
Right.

00:46:57.882 --> 00:47:08.686
And actually what, what, what, what I hear kind of underneath what you're saying, That I would look at for myself is, Oh, I'm calculating again.

00:47:10.646 --> 00:47:12.117
Because it's an unknown outcome.

00:47:12.376 --> 00:47:14.086
You don't know the answer to the calculator.

00:47:14.086 --> 00:47:15.737
You just gave a great example of that.

00:47:16.286 --> 00:47:18.706
I don't know what the outcome of the calculation is going to be.

00:47:18.706 --> 00:47:22.817
Whatever my actions are, I really don't know the outcome of it.

00:47:23.336 --> 00:47:32.452
You know, it's something that, And then, like if I go to a restaurant, And I tip someone with a bigger tip, And there's no acknowledgement of it.

00:47:33.061 --> 00:47:34.391
Who am I doing that for?

00:47:34.831 --> 00:47:36.322
For the acknowledgement to me?

00:47:36.362 --> 00:47:37.172
Or for them?

00:47:37.692 --> 00:47:40.172
And maybe they're distracted by something?

00:47:40.652 --> 00:47:45.782
And it's like, oh, I'm making something out of this event.

00:47:46.211 --> 00:47:50.501
And that's, those are the habits that we can come to know ourselves better.

00:47:50.541 --> 00:47:54.001
And, you know, we can do that in psychotherapy.

00:47:54.001 --> 00:47:55.791
We can do that in martial arts.

00:47:55.791 --> 00:47:58.351
We can do that in, in so many different domains.

00:47:58.842 --> 00:48:02.621
But what I'm suggesting is that we learn to do it through acts of kindness.

00:48:03.666 --> 00:48:06.206
And that we learn about ourselves, you know,

00:48:07.637 --> 00:48:08.277
No, I agree.

00:48:09.637 --> 00:48:22.277
Well, we talked a lot about patience, interesting enough, and the power of acts of kindness, you got a couple of books you have, and I want to give you some time to share.

00:48:22.871 --> 00:48:23.992
What are you working on?

00:48:24.001 --> 00:48:28.222
What are you working on right now that someone in the audience based on our conversation?

00:48:28.251 --> 00:48:29.731
What would they appreciate?

00:48:30.121 --> 00:48:31.822
I want I'm actually curious myself

00:48:31.967 --> 00:48:40.777
Okay, so, the one book I wrote, oh, twenty some odd years ago is called Creating Creativity, Embodying the Creative Process.

00:48:40.797 --> 00:48:49.387
And there I explore different concepts in creativity and then give someone a concrete experience of that concept through movement.

00:48:50.237 --> 00:48:59.266
And then the book that I'm talking about mostly now is called Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness, And that's a workbook.

00:48:59.427 --> 00:49:00.806
It's concrete things to do.

00:49:00.806 --> 00:49:02.126
It's not just ideas.

00:49:02.137 --> 00:49:05.467
You know, some people say, is it about compassion and empathy?

00:49:05.467 --> 00:49:06.206
I say, of course.

00:49:06.527 --> 00:49:09.086
But it's about everyday things you can practice.

00:49:09.552 --> 00:49:12.231
That's the essence of it, because kindness is an action.

00:49:12.612 --> 00:49:14.641
It's not just a feeling, okay?

00:49:14.952 --> 00:49:20.692
And then when I'm working on, well, you know, when I finish, every book that I finish, people, what's the next book?

00:49:20.692 --> 00:49:23.052
I'm like, back off, I just finished this one.

00:49:23.492 --> 00:49:37.452
You know, but there is one that, that's floating around in my head that is, is some of what I talked about before is catching the moment, so that I can make a change.

00:49:37.452 --> 00:49:41.146
Because if I'm impatient, but I don't recognize it, It doesn't matter.

00:49:41.146 --> 00:49:42.527
I can't do anything about it.

00:49:43.047 --> 00:49:44.146
How do I develop it?

00:49:44.146 --> 00:49:48.976
And the words that most often come forth to do that is awareness.

00:49:49.106 --> 00:49:50.097
How do I become aware?

00:49:50.097 --> 00:49:51.527
How do I bring my attention to it?

00:49:52.286 --> 00:49:58.286
But I'm even looking, I'm actually referring to it now as the pause.

00:49:58.887 --> 00:50:00.527
How do I create a pause?

00:50:00.996 --> 00:50:10.867
If you're in a car driving, right, and you're going in one direction and you want to go in reverse, there's something people think, well, I just shift into the reverse.

00:50:11.527 --> 00:50:14.996
But the most important part of that is you have to stop first.

00:50:15.387 --> 00:50:17.436
Otherwise you're going to trash the transmission.

00:50:18.047 --> 00:50:19.516
So how do you pause?

00:50:19.556 --> 00:50:27.456
How do we create more pauses in our life to reflect on the moment that we're in and the choices that might or might not be available to me?

00:50:27.746 --> 00:50:28.617
So that's what I do.

00:50:29.757 --> 00:50:31.847
I'm playing with this idea now.

00:50:32.692 --> 00:50:36.822
That's awesome, what I'm working on personally those pauses

00:50:37.586 --> 00:50:38.567
I think we all are.

00:50:38.992 --> 00:50:39.431
Yeah,

00:50:39.467 --> 00:50:40.766
Yeah, hopefully.

00:50:41.161 --> 00:50:51.512
and it's a good time for that to the need to pause instead of driving, continuing to drive full speed because you never know where there's going to be a sharp turn.

00:50:52.092 --> 00:50:57.456
And if you're having an American muscle car, you're going to keep going straight, uh, into the wall.

00:50:57.956 --> 00:51:01.496
And I had a semi experience of that myself, not a wall.

00:51:01.507 --> 00:51:03.547
It was like a tree, but yeah, it wasn't fun.

00:51:03.547 --> 00:51:07.547
It was, it was, I was just like, yeah, of course, most of the cars can't make those short turns.

00:51:08.177 --> 00:51:13.856
Um, but to your point, yeah, those pauses, well, thanks for coming on the show.

00:51:13.856 --> 00:51:14.976
I appreciate it.

00:51:15.336 --> 00:51:26.416
I feel like, uh, I, I definitely had some fun chatting with you and talking about being more mindful, being more, more mindful of the acts of kindness and especially turning people into

00:51:26.706 --> 00:51:29.547
Great, and can I just give my website to you?

00:51:29.657 --> 00:51:30.117
Yes.

00:51:30.117 --> 00:51:30.547
Yes.

00:51:30.717 --> 00:51:36.217
so um, you can find out more about the book at practicing kindness.

00:51:36.907 --> 00:51:39.606
com and the book is available through there.

00:51:39.606 --> 00:51:50.626
It's also available at Amazon as a paperback, as a, uh, Kindle, as I like to say, instead of Kindle, and also as an audio book as well, okay?

00:51:51.007 --> 00:52:01.896
And there's also a free sample workbook you can download there, and uh, we're just adding a contact page now, so if you have more questions you can contact me there too,

00:52:02.887 --> 00:52:03.447
Awesome.

00:52:04.106 --> 00:52:04.686
Sweet.

00:52:04.737 --> 00:52:04.967
Yeah.

00:52:04.967 --> 00:52:12.306
And then also, if you're worried about anybody listening, if you're worried about spelling, that will be in the description.

00:52:12.331 --> 00:52:12.516
you.

00:52:13.356 --> 00:52:14.007
No problem.

00:52:14.547 --> 00:52:15.797
Thanks for coming on my friend.

00:52:15.876 --> 00:52:17.637
so much, I really enjoyed the conversation.
Alan QuestelProfile Photo

Alan Questel

Author

Alan S. Questel is known for his clarity, creativity and down to earth style of teaching. He brings a depth of understanding, humor and gentle human perspective while creating lively conditions for learning. Alan has taught thousands of people in over 20 countries, on 5 continents.

Trained by Dr. Feldenkrais (Amherst 1983) he has created numerous Feldenkrais programs on varied topics including one for pregnant women (Pregnant Pauses). He is author of Creating Creativity – Embodying the Creative Process; and Practice Random Acts of Kindness…and Like Yourself More.

He is constantly discovering how to be kinder to others and toward himself.

Practice Intentional Acts of Kindness…and Like Yourself More takes readers through steps to broaden and sharpen their understanding of kindness. It will show ways to embrace kindness in everyday life. And provide the means to be kinder and generate more kindness towards yourself and others.

The book will help readers break through old, unconscious, confirming patterns of thought and feeling, and free them to express all the love and kindness in their hearts.