So You Married and Divorcing a Narcissist

Caryn Portnoy  0:02  
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You.

Caryn Portnoy  0:23  
Hi everyone. I just wanted to talk this week about narcissists. And specifically I'm going to talk about women who married and are now divorcing male narcissists, because that seems to be the theme of all the people that are reaching out to me on social media and want to talk about it, so I'm going to hone in on that group, just because that's what I'm hearing the most of In fact, there's a woman in Canada that I've been messaging with who is getting ready to file for Divorce, and she knows exactly what she's gonna have to endure once she files. And she's terrified because there isn't that much money in their house. Like as far as equity goes, they have a huge mortgage, so even if they do sell their house once they are dealing with their divorce, you know, she's not going to get a whole lot of money out of that house. They have three kids. He turned the eldest one against her, so she would be leaving the house with the middle and the youngest child. And she, you know, she works. It's not like she doesn't bring in income. It's not a lot, but she basically has to start all over in a small apartment somewhere. And she said, you know, the rents being what it is, she's facing almost poverty, and she's terrified, because, you know, it's one thing to start over and start a new life and all of that. And she recognizes that, you know she's not going to be able to sustain herself a very long and I was saying to her, you know, you'll have as much money to get back on your feet, at least to figure out what other income you can generate, or, you know, what kind of apartment you can move into and for how long. And you know, it's not like she's going to be destitute tomorrow. It's, it's the kind of thing that she's afraid of as she thinks about the future. And I just said to her, you know, you have to plan for once you file your whenever you decide to leave the home and all of that, you know, it's she's gonna have to start over at a very different lifestyle and and that's okay. And I keep saying, you know, when you think about the peace and the freedom and starting over and starting a new life and all the things that you have to look forward to, that peace and freedom and happiness is going to be worth living in a shoe box at that point.

Caryn Portnoy  3:12  
You know, as long as she's okay, her kids will be okay. So I'm trying to support her and help her through this, at least because she is scared. She's already spoken to an attorney a couple of times already, and you know, she's trying to get, like, I keep saying she's she's trying to get her ducks in a row and figure out how to set herself up in the best way possible before she even serves them with papers. But she knows the personality. She knows what what narcissists do, and what their mindset is and and all the things. So it's the same story I hear over and over and over again, and it's like mind blowing, actually, because the personality disorder is doesn't change, ever, ever. I mean, there's zero empathy that these people just don't possess. And you know, narcissists are not born that way. They're made so, you know, I mean, look, there are all different ways that parents can turn their kids into narcissists, but I'm not going to get into a whole definition here, but it's, you know, there are things that parents do or don't do that create narcissistic children, and the fact that these people will not seek therapy, will not seek to get diagnosed. You know, narcissistic personality disorder, it's not a mental illness, and some people get that confused, but nonetheless, these personalities, you know, tend to distort reality to fit their own narrative and their own ego, and then they recruit people to buy their narrative. So you know. Works great for them. But I mean, try being a victim of what they cook up. So, you know, there are lots of people who, you know, I was talking to somebody on Tiktok in the other day, who you know has like, really big problems. I'm not even going to get into it, but I mean, there are, like, criminal issues between the husband and the wife and there, it's a it's a mess, is all I'm going to say. It's a mess, and she's scared, and I understand. So you know, the most I can do is be supportive and share the wisdom and the knowledge that I've gained through my own experience. But sometimes, if I'm in over my head, and it's not something that I have enough experience or knowledge about, I will just, you know, ask them to either find a local Domestic Violence Crisis Center, and they should speak to somebody there, or seek other professional help with a therapist or a grief counselor or something like that. I mean, you know, this is not my wheelhouse. My wheelhouse is mentoring people and sharing what I went through and all the wisdom that I've gained from it, and how I can help support them in that way. But I know when I'm in over my head and where something isn't quite under my umbrella. So that's the best I can do, is to help guide them and be here if if I can help them with anything else.

Caryn Portnoy  6:41  
Anyway, so I'm just kind of, you know, filtering through some of the comments that I get on social media from all the different platforms. And I feel good knowing that people are finally reaching out more and asking questions and commenting and things, and they're they're seeking my my experience and whatever I have to say about it, and I feel really good being able to help anybody that I can. I'll tell you something, though, out of all of the reels that I post on Tiktok and Instagram and Facebook, wow, we the one topic that gets everybody going, it's all about narcissists. So clearly, they're resonating with what I'm talking about on these reels, because they're all married to them, and they're all divorcing them, and they're all going through similar experiences that I went through. So you know, the thing that I really think I have the most value in is the fact that I have lived experience. I'm very authentic, I'm very honest and truthful what I went through and and I'm very hands on. You know what therapists and psychologists bring to the table as a clinical approach, but they're not. They haven't been there. They haven't lived through it. So it's, it's a very different kind of interaction. And you know, same with coaches. Coaches, you know, they develop these programs and they offer it to clients, and they kind of push it on to the clients like here, do the work yourself, and they're not very involved. They're not very hands on. So what I bring to the table is that I am hands on. I have lived through this. I'm there to support them. I'm there to hold their hand and get them through it. I know, I mean, I've said this before. I wish I had a me when I was going through it, and so I feel honored that that these are people that turn to me now because they they need the help, and I'm very grateful that they are reaching out because I get to help them. Now, anyway, I'm gonna wrap this up, but thank you for listening, and I'll catch you guys next week.

Caryn Portnoy  9:12  
Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is podph.com/the, music of life. You can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous. No problem. I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, Tiktok, Facebook and LinkedIn. Thanks again, I'll see you next week.