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Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
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I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe.
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Hi everyone. I wanted to talk this week about narcissists. And what I've noticed on all of my social media platforms is that the reels that I do that get the most attention and the most views have to do with narcissists. And I guess I'm not surprised because, I mean, it's insane. How many people have been with narcissists, how we've married them, how we've divorced them, and how we're learning from them. And I don't know if it's like a rite of passage or what, but it's crazy. How many people are actually dealing with narcissists. I mean, like, full on narcissists, not just, you know, throwing the word around.
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I've said before that, you know, the issue is, is that narcissists don't go to therapy and they don't go to get officially diagnosed, because they don't think anything's wrong with them. I mean, that's the truth. And the ones that do go to therapy, it's, it's really, it's really wild, how they go to therapy so that they learn what you know is perceived to be wrong with them, and then they use those things that are wrong with them to manipulate the therapy so, like they're not going to therapy to heal or to learn or be self actualized or reflect or anything. No, they're not going there for that.
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They're going there to learn how to manipulate therapy so that they remain the victim. So we never get an official diagnosis, but the best we can do is see if they fit the bill of what their personality profile is. For me, I went to the the expert in the field, who Dr Romany. I went to see what she lists as the different types of narcissists that there are. There are different profiles for that.
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Mine happened to have just checked all the boxes for a covert narcissist, which is a very dangerous kind because they're so manipulative and so sneaky where you would not know their expert, you know, Master manipulators. But anyway, getting back to the fact that so many people have married narcissists and are now divorcing them. It's the same story I keep getting over and over again from people who reach out to me. They don't know how to deal with it. They don't know what to do. They don't they want to protect their children, but their their narcissistic ex is just not agreeable, not willing to co parent, not willing to be on the same team for the sake of the kids. I mean, you know how these narcissistic men are trying to destroy their women and and I to be honest with you, I don't really know much about narcissistic women. I know there are plenty of men out there who are dealing with them, but I don't have experience with them, so I can't really speak to women narcissists, but I know they're out there, and I know a few of them myself, so I have stayed far away from them. I have cut them out of my life. So I'm happy to have that weight off my back, but I know that men suffer too, and I just want to acknowledge that I just don't have as much experience with female narcissists as a as a spouse, and what that's like for A man, you know, marrying one and divorcing one.
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I but I will just say that it's important for women, especially to learn how to heal themselves from this. And I did something that I think very, very, very few people would ever do, but I started my healing journey while I was still being abused. So it was not common to do that at all, and certainly not easy, but at the very least, if somebody is not able to do that during their divorce, I mean, at least you know at the end of the divorce and beyond, how important and crucial it is to do some sort of inner healing work. I mean, otherwise you will attract another narcissist, you will end up marrying another one, and you will end up divorcing another one. So it's really, really, really important to do that inner work for your.
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Self first. I mean, I always looked at my situation as you know, the unhealed version of myself, attracted somehow aligned with the unhealed version of my ex husband. But if you don't heal those wounds that that cycle is just going to keep repeating, I can definitely help anybody get on track with that healing work, if you're willing to do it, if you're willing to face it, if you're willing to sit in discomfort and sometimes pain, and I will keep saying it over and over again, it is so worth it, as painful as it can be, as emotional as it will be, as draining it can be. I just say it's it's worth it when you get to the other side and you have peace and freedom and happiness in your life, because that's what comes from all of that work. And I say that because that's where I am now.
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I'm now thriving in my life, and I could not have gotten to this place, had I not gone through all that healing work I did, and it was intense. I think I'm somewhere like around three, three and a half years by now that that I started my healing journey, and it's been ever since. I mean, look, we never stop growing, evolving, changing. That's what we're meant to do here. And if we don't, we'll keep getting the same lessons until we do. It's just the way the universe works.
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We're not here for a free ride, you know. We're here to grow and learn the lessons and evolve and become the person we were always meant to be, which, oddly enough, comes back to our inner child. Because if you've been with a narcissist before, you know that your nervous system is under attack at all times. And I heard, I don't remember who it was, I heard like a spiritual teacher, person talking about how your nervous system is actually your inner child. And that kind of blew me away. I never heard that correlation before, but it kind of makes sense, and when people refer to their inner child, it's somewhere around, like an eight year old. I mean, when I first started healing my inner child, I was going back to like three and four years old. I think I'm somewhere around my eight year old self now, but like, there are people that that go back to their teenage inner child. So it you know, there are different things to heal at different ages of your inner child. But I think the consensus is, is that when most people refer back to their inner child. They're really talking about like around eight years old. But when I do think about what my eight year old self dreamed of for what my life would become one day, I feel like I've now become that version that my inner child always wished for me to become.
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I mean, how crazy is that? It's like talk about coming full circle, right?
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And I'm still just at the beginning of where I'm headed, so I check in with her often, because I, you know, I want my eight year old to be proud of who I'm becoming. I mean, that's, that's really, that's growth for me. Because, you know, who among us doesn't put so much energy into people around us and what they think of us and what they say and all of that. I mean, I've so grown out of that by now. That's like, it's I don't even recognize that part of me that ever cared about what other people thought of me.
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But now it's like, I only want to make my inner child proud, which feels really nice, and the fact that she never got the love and the attention and the affection and all the things that she needed at that time and never got. I'm giving all that to her now, and it's really amazing anyway. So talking about, you know, the journey of of being with a narcissist and divorcing one and and what happens after that? I mean, with all this healing I've done, it's like I know that the next partner I have is going to is going to mirror all the healing work that I've done. Because, you know, the law of attraction states that we attract what we are. And I've certainly proven that, you know, the unhealed version of me attracted the unhealed version of my ex husband. So clearly we both attracted what we were. But I think the next go around, whenever that is, I think it'll be the complete opposite, because. Yes, I've healed so much, and I if I'm attracting what I am, then the next partner that I'll have will have healed that much too. And then when you have two healthy, healed people who are whole and complete on their own, individually, imagine what that looks like when they come together. So I'm holding out for that because it's worth holding out for. Anyway, I'm gonna wrap this up. I'll see you guys next week.
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I have developed a mentorship program that I'm offering to anybody who could use or benefit from something like that. It'll be one hour once a week for eight weeks. This is a partnership. This is something that you and I would do together. There are a lot a lot of people out there who need it.
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Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is pod page, Comm, slash, the music of life. You can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous. No problem. I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, tick tock, Facebook And LinkedIn. Thanks again. I'll see you next week.
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