Say It or Save It When Honesty Helps, Hurts, and How to Speak with Wisdom | The Mary & Martha Show

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Well, hello again, and welcome to the Mary Martha podcast. I'm Mary Alessie. I'm Martha Munazi. And we have a great one for you today. We sure do. We gotta jump into this one. I think every woman in the world, maybe some guys out there too, are you're gonna want to share this with them. Because today we're gonna talk about this topic. Say it or save it. Say it or save it. Okay, let's get into this. When honesty helps and when honesty hurts. When does it help? When does it hurt? So we're gonna talk about something today that we've all wrestled with. Yes. The wish I would have, should have said it, but I didn't, and I dreamt about it that night having a fight. Or um when I should say this or when I should absolutely save it because it's not the right time. That would have been cruel, that would have not been fair to say to them because some thoughts are truth and some thoughts are just trauma with a microphone. Right. And the problem is, Martha, sometimes they both feel the same. The truth and trauma with a microphone. It feels like I have to say it because it's the truth. But we need to talk about when is it appropriate to say it and when is it appropriate not to say it? What do you think? Well, I think we live in a culture that says, say it, clap back, say your truth. And it's so easy to get caught up in that, especially on social media. You know, people comment or they post something you don't agree with, or and it and we've got to be more discerning now than ever. And I think most of the time it's better to save it. I agree. And don't say it and let time go by. I I heard someone say this years ago. It was a pastor's wife. And after her husband would preach, they had a large church, he would come down after he preached a message. And the first thing he would say to her, he would look at her and say, How did I do? Yeah. And she realized that was not the time to tell him the truth. If she didn't think he did a great job. And she said, One thing I've learned is timing, grace, and truth. That's it. Is it the right time? Is there grace attached to it? And then if it's truth, then you share. But there are times that has helped me so much in my marriage and in relationships that just because I want to say it doesn't mean it's the time to say it. And sometimes when I'm I am gonna say it, it feels so good. I even feel anointed to say it sometimes. And then I when it's over, I'm thinking, was there any grace on that? Or was that just me blurting out something that I've just been waiting to say? Yeah, you know, so I think most of the time, if you're just asking me, I've learned, save it until you know it's the right time. And there's you can say it with love and with grace on it. You know, Steve, my my husband, is a say it person. He is not a save it person, right? He is a say it. If you feel it, if you're struggling with it, if it's wrong, make it right. If it's black, make it white. Is that a song? I don't know. Uh-huh. Whatever it is, if it's gray, uh-uh. There's black, there's white. There's right, there's wrong. Say it. You there's no reason why not. Let the chips fall where they may. He was always that way when we were younger. Just very aggressive that way. And he tells the funniest story because years ago, mom used to work with him because long story, very long story, super short. There was a season that our mom worked on staff when she and dad were going through the divorce for Steve's mom and dad. So she was the music director, and dad was like Steve, dad, when your husband has so many names now. I know, right? So many titles. When he was uh kind of coming up in ministry and he was uh he was the janitor and he was making announcements on Sunday. He was doing it all at the church, but he had been given a little bit more uh leadership and authority. And so his dad would say, Make sure you keep track of staff. Where's so-and-so? Where's so-and-so? Make sure the staff keeps track of the choir members and you know that we're all tracking everybody. And so I guess mom he thought wasn't doing her job. And so, because he'd been given this role of a little bit more authority, right? So he crafted this letter. Actually, it was right when emails started coming out. Oh my goodness. Imagine back in the early 1900s, in the 1900s, and he sent her this email like faith, you have to this and you need to make sure. Well, he sent it to her and felt like, man, I just I did my job. I kid you not, fast forward 38 years, okay. He found it. He found it just recently. I love it. And it was the in the time that he was really working with some of our younger staff about how to handle things, how to say things, and you know, why are they this way? And some of them are so aggressive and so whatever. He finds that email. Wow. I guess he'd print it out and send it to mom. I don't know. And he read it to me. And this is what I love about him, how honest he is with himself. Right. He said, What a jerk. Wow. What a jerk. And you know, Martha, he the next time he was with mom and I, he apologized to her. She didn't even remember it. Yeah, he said, What a jerk I was. Why did I say that to you? Oh, I had no right. Right. I was just being small and petty, needing to feel big. Right. I never should have said it. And I said, Well, isn't that something? The thing that you wanted to, you should have saved, but you said is in black and white in your face all these years later. But what a lesson. Huge lesson. Huge lesson. I love that story. That's hilarious. That's the best story. But I but it's also good for us to learn. I remember the same kind of thing years ago when we had worked for a pastor and they dismissed us, you know. And I, you know, you you want to say things in the minute, but I in the moment, but I was so insecure at the time. I couldn't imagine saying what I wanted to say, and that's not right. And you should treat us better. And after all we've served, and how could you? And God just said, shut your mouth. Shut your bile. Shut your bile. Say nothing. Say nothing. You you were on a short leash. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought it was weakness for years that I didn't speak up. Right. That I didn't say it like, uh, I could have said it. And the nights that I would go to sleep in having this imaginary conversation that I was ready. I read I'd be in the shower, going, oh man. And I, in those imaginary conversations, the eloquence. I know. Oh my gosh. The intensity ability of me to grab the English language and put my thoughts together in such a bit. The debate, the skills. It was incredible in my imagination. But if you put me in the real time, I'm, I was, huh, and uh, and I I would have chickened out.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

But I always thought one day I'm going to be stronger and I'm going to be able to tell it like it is. But then I realized actually it wasn't weakness, it was wisdom. Yeah. And that isn't strength. That's not strength. That's really weakness. Because the Bible tells us there's a time for everything under the sun. That's right. But it's up to us to say, Lord, is it time? Is it time? My flesh wants to react. My flesh wants to respond. But even with my, when my little girls, my daughters were little girls, I remember going into the room at night in elementary school, junior high, and you know, Nicole wasn't happy with her, you know, the way she looked. And Danielle didn't have enough friends or whatever. And I learned really quick, don't say what's wrong. Right. Oh, don't say that. You know, even to those things. Like, don't even say, like, save it. Sometimes you set yourself up to say something. You do. That you, if you you set that up, that was on you. You shouldn't have set it up, and then it would never have been saved. It'd be savior. Right. So again, that doesn't mean we walk around and say nothing. And I think we earn the moment and earn the right to say something. But if it's not grace, and I've loved, like since 2020, since we've had so much more time online and time to kind of dig and research. And it feels like technology has just exploded because it has. The voices and the people that I've learned from that are excellent at debate. They're excellent at not taking the bait. They know how to stay in their truth without getting rustled, their feathers rustled. I really, that's something I aspire to. So now I'm like, I don't feel the pressure of, I need to say something. I better say something. Now I'm like, no, I need to learn how to say it right. Well, I need to learn how to say things where it's not antagonistic. I think we are watching on even on social media. I know that I have been following, because they've been suggested, some good voices that are actually retraining the next generation how to respond to things. Because we are out of control. It's like a forest fire. It is. You're you get paid now, Martha, to get on the camera on your phone and post it to say it. Say it like it is, to respond to something someone else said publicly with your face down in the corner going, listen to this. Listen, listen. You get it? You get it? And then reply. Right. So we are being not trained, we are being conditioned to say it. And what is that? It's a lack of wisdom. It is. And there's an entire book on wisdom and what a lack of wisdom gives you in your life. And it's total calamity. Yes. You are called a fool when you don't walk in wisdom. But there, but there are some good filters. You talked about timing, grace, and truth. Timing, grace, and truth. Write that down. That is so good. Here's three more. Is it true? Number one. Right. Is it necessary? And is it loving? And if it doesn't pass all three, come on, save it. Save it. You know what else I learned? I learned that just because I want to say it and it's right, and maybe I should say it, it doesn't hurt at all to wait to say it. Right. Until I know that's it. It's going to be the time comes up again, and now I have an opening with grace to say it. Right. That is a skill that few really have worked on or owned. And I can tell you, that is certainly not by nature, nor do I say that I have it. Right. But I want it. I want the skill with my spouse, with the men that I work with, to treat them with respect. I want the skill with the women I work with, with the people in my life, when I get up, I mean, our lives, we're not the only ones with microphones anymore. Right. The whole world has a microphone. Every single person has a microphone. Yeah. And we're being forced and told if you want to make money, it's based on what you say, the attention you get, the person you insult. Meanwhile, now what what you're going to have to deal with, the calamity of that, the collateral damage of that. That's right. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. And the accusations that come. Right. We live in a world where there's just people throwing accusations, there's family members that are have split, people that don't even talk to each other because of what we see in social media. But we learn from scripture. We learn from the example of Jesus. Jesus stood before his accusers and said nothing. Right. Oh, that's right. Jesus himself, God in the flesh, stood before accusers and said nothing. Not a word. But yet we feel like we got a fill of the air. I'm I'm, you know, God's gift to this generation. Or I can defend myself. Or I've got exactly. I've they said it. How could I just let them say that? Yeah. I can't just let them say that. Well, why not? Yeah. Why not? Why are we allowing people's words to make us react? Immaturity reacts. That's right. Wisdom responds. Yeah. And when we're just reacting, reacting, reacting, and our our our emotions follow that. And we let somebody say something that gets us all upset. And it is such a trap. It is such a trick. And if we're not more discerning, because that's what wisdom is, it's discerning the right time, we're going to really be in trouble because it's joke. Really, this world where as far as being conditioned to react and respond, that's what social media is all about. That's right. That's all it is. That's people that wake up every day and go, what else can we do to hook people? Yeah. What can we do to get people to react? What else can we say to get people to stop a scroll and pay attention? And it is not something positive.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

It's something that makes you react. He just said something I didn't agree with. Yeah. He just said something outlandish, something crazy. That's the way it's set up. So how much more do we need to be people that don't take the bait and that learn to stand in front of accusers, in front of people lying, or people that say the dumbest things, dumbest things and say, honey, that that's does that isn't even deserve my attention. Say nothing. Save it. But I do think that we should lean more towards save it. Always error on the side of saving it rather than just saying it because you can't take it back. What it requires to take it back will be a lot of you. Yeah. So it's not worth it. My my daughter, Stephanie, she's my second born, my oldest daughter, she is a say it person. When something's wrong, she's like her dad, right? Black and white. But what is so funny is when I get a text, Mom, I messed up. Mom, I need your help. And over the years, you know, she's going to be 30 very soon. I think next year. I don't know. I had too many kids. I lost track. But it's so cute to see her understand that now. Yeah. And there's been a few mistakes where she said some things she couldn't take back. Sure. And working with people or an in-law or whatever the situation might be. And it's so funny when she will call me to say, What do I do? I'll say, Since you said it, here's something else you can say. Yes. I'm sorry. Sorry. I should never have said it. Yes. That was wrong of me. That was disrespectful of me. Yeah. And I shouldn't have said it. That does not change the fact that what you said was true. Yeah. But it wasn't received, so it wasn't worth it.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

And if it's not in a place where it can be received, it's not the right time. Yeah. Truth is always hanging out there. There's a thousand people that can walk in the room and read the same truth you can read. Right. But that doesn't mean that everybody has to say it. No. And if you are a say it person, because I feel like there are say it people right now that are disagreeing with us. Like they're disgruntled, they're mad, they're already putting something in the comment section. That's fine. I'm gonna say it's gonna say it right now. I'm gonna say it right now. That's fine. Oh Lord. God's gifted you to have the guts to speak up. So when do we say it? Well, we say it when some truth is being distorted. I think that's when we say something, right? Or when somebody's getting hurt, being harmed. Of course, we don't hear something we're not saying. Of course, speak up when the moment comes and and and and say it when you know whatever that time is. But I'm thinking, I think we're more talking more about just really irritations that we react to instead of respond. That might hurt somebody. That might hurt somebody. But if somebody's being hurt, if truth is being distorted, then you you say it. But here's where we can get better, and and we need to be aware, if we're say it people, then if it's not being received, yeah, and people are avoiding us, and they go, I'm not gonna get it, I'm not even gonna get into it with you because you just don't even, if you're a say it person with no friends, yeah, it's true, and people don't want to be at your party, or maybe they just avoid conversations with you and you don't, that's when we stop and say, Is my is my saying it, is it become like this idol? Right. Like I feel as if that's that's a benefit of my character. That's that's a good attribute.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Well, not if it repels people, yeah. Not if people are afraid of you. So it's better to say, wait a minute, I'm a say it person, but how could I say it better? Right. That's one of the things I've learned because I was a save it person, but I didn't like that either because I felt like I just got kept kept getting walked on. Yeah. Or I would leave and go, why didn't I say this? Why didn't I say that? Why didn't I say it? Yeah. And I for years I was so frustrated because I didn't know how to say it. And I felt like if I said it, then it's gonna be a controversy. It's gonna be strife, we're gonna argue. Then I thought, well, why can't I learn to say it without being argumentative? Right. Why can't I learn to say it in a way that's loving and kind and creates conversation and builds an environment where people go, I love talking to you. Right. I feel heard. And then they go, you know, I never thought about that. So I learned to ask questions. Yeah. I learned to go, well, huh? Well, that's interesting, to especially to the say it people. I would go, well, tell me more about how you feel about that. Well, have you ever thought about this? And ask 10 questions before I said it. Sure. Before I landed the plane with my truth. Let me get more information. Because I would find out, Mary, nine times out of 10, we agreed more than we really even realized. Right. That they just blurted stuff out. Or they'll say the very thing we wish we could tell them, they'll say it about themselves. Yes. Because you don't go in it with intensity and I got to tell you something. You feel that before anyone ever says a word to you. You you feel the spirit that they come in. Yes. And the attitude, and the I got my husband is is, I'm not throwing him under the bus. He knows this about himself. He has gotten so good at controlling that side of him. Because I when I tell you there, I used to call him white out. Like he's the corrector. Yeah. He's got to correct it when it's wrong. He cannot help it. And he has died to that because he realizes it doesn't get the results you think. I wish I was more that way. Right. There's such a healthy balance. And if you come in intensity, so like I'll tell you this. Steve would tell me something aggressively. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna tell her what she's doing is wrong. And I would just reject it. I don't want you, no, not from you. You stop. Okay. You're so critical, you're so negative. Yeah, it means so harsh. And then a couple days later, somebody would tell me the same thing. And I'd go, thank you for telling me that. Really? Wow. And he would walk over and go, Are you kidding me? Yeah, I just told you that. I told him, I'm like, Yeah, but you didn't say it like that. Right. Well, it doesn't matter how I say it. You gotta hear it like I hear, like, you know, hear it like I'm in it. Right. Well, yeah, I don't need to be so sensitive to him. There's truth in both sides. But here's the reality something that they teach you in conflict resolution and relationships, and I'm just gonna read this a little bit. You've got to say things when silence is costing the relationship more than honesty would. So if you're too silent about things, honesty is important. But say it when you're calm and not charged. Right. Say it when you know you can say it clearly because you might be misrepresenting something. Yeah. What you're saying isn't really true. Right. What you think you hear isn't true. It also says to say it when your goal is connection, not control. Yes. Wow. That's big. That's a big holy moly. Let's just let that hang out there for a second. Say it when your goal is connection. That's right. Not control. It's maturity, guys. It's maturity. We have to grow. We want our relationships to get better. Yes. Send your money right now, your therapy money. Come on, y'all. We'll be your mentors, your coaches. We will that right there is huge. And you do have to stop and ask yourself, am I trying to control it? Here's one more. Say it when you've checked your heart and realized I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to hear. Yes. Drop a mic. Come on. Yes. I'm trying to hear. How many marriages would that help? Oh. How many relationships with our kids? You don't have to win. You know, I shared this on Sunday at our church because I realized the last year, God just showed me so many things last in 2025, going into this year. And I had this just a ha moment, kind of like this wake up moment. And that Dan and I, you know, we would always have the same arguments, which I think most married couples do. It's always the same argument, always the same thing. And we could just never get past it. And I was trying so hard to get him to see that. When I say this, you say that. Why do you do that? And here's how it spirals. If you would just say this, then I wouldn't say that. And so it's your fault. And I and we need to overcome this so that we don't fight. Because I don't want to fight. I want to be able to say what I want to say. Why does it always turn into a fight? Well, Dan would go, I it's not a fight to me, it's a discussion. I'm like, no, this is a fight. Right. Because I'm mad. Sure. You know, and then he'd go, but it's we're just talking, we're talking. I'm like, yeah, but you're talking, and what you're saying is so decisive, and we're not doing this, and I don't want to, and we're not, and I'm like, hey, let's be open. What do you think? You know? And I realized I was really setting myself up to lose. Yes. And one of the things I realized, and it was this moment, and I shared it with him. I said, you know what I realized? That I'm trying to keep us from having fights that we really need to have. That there are times that we're just gonna fight through this. That's right. These are not little, where are we gonna eat for lunch conversations? These are big, you know, major decision conversations that take us both. Both of us. It's gonna take both of us to figure this out, to bring the right wisdom to it. These are not little minor, we're we're doing albums and we're pastoring a church and we're looking to get a new building and we're, you know, navigating with our family. And these are big decisions. Why do I think that it's gonna be kumbaya and we're not gonna fight? And I said, you know what? We're just gonna fight over these things. That's right. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's right. We're gonna just argue and disagree till we get to a place of agreement. Yeah. And and and Dan was like, Yeah, I know. Right. Yeah. And I thought we were failing because we were arguing.

SPEAKER_00 21:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:07

Because it wasn't peace. Instead of going, no, that's iron sharpening iron. And we were just clashing. There were other areas in our lives. We had no problem. We had peace in every other area. But when it came to things that maybe he felt insecure about, or maybe I felt insecure about, and it was this letting go of something, of this feeling like, because I want you to say it like this, and I want you to say it like that, and I want to be able to say it this way, instead of realizing maybe the way I'm saying it is counterproductive. Yeah. Maybe I need to go in and say, you know what? You make great decisions. I'm just leaving this to you, whatever you think. And he would go, Well, hold on a second. No, no, no. You need to stay in this. Right. I need your help. And a lot of it was my was my approach, instead of instead of thinking it from his perspective. So I've had to learn to save it a lot more than I thought I would have had to say it in the last couple of years. And it's very hard to know the difference, especially when. When you're starting out in a relationship, when your marriage is young, or when you're in a friendship, and you want to know if what I could say might really help you. Yeah. If I would tell you the truth about this situation, no one else would really help you. Yeah. And we, and again, I go back to our mother. We have a mother, she's a say it person. She's just a say it person. And actually, real time, last night, uh, I was so tired. I I just got to Orlando from three days of a ministry experience, and I was, I really was on fumes. And um, so it's like 10 o'clock, and I had just said, y'all, I'm hitting the wall. Yeah. And that was mom's cue for I better say it now before she goes to bed because I want to tell her what I want to tell her. Right. And so she went into something that was, I'm gonna say this right now because I've got one foot into heaven and I've been thinking about it. And if I don't say it now, I'm not gonna get Mary's attention. I'm gonna say it. So there are times where you've got people in your life that have a right to speak into you and say what they want to say. Of course. And so she brought up something that was very helpful that she'd been wanting to tell me about how to just be more forthright about something with going on in my life, which I thought was very, very helpful. That's my mother. Right. Who else is gonna say it? They're gonna say it. The the truth is, this is another piece of this that I think we should talk about. Yeah. Embracing the say it people instead of rejecting the say it people because being selective of who you allow to say it into your life, um, not everybody can speak into your life. You have to be careful. But for those that do and love you enough to speak, because there's there's two things going on. Number one, we're all saying it into the gram with a microphone all day. Or we're not saying nothing, it's none of our business, and we're not speaking truth. Right. And we're allowing things to happen and spiral that don't even go along with our values. Yeah. And it's I can't say anything. Yes, you can, you better say something. Right. So our mom's generation is if it's not godly, if it's sin, if it's wrong, you say it, you're not afraid to say it, you speak uh the truth, but you speak it in love. And she at this season of her life has really earned the right to say it because we look at her and we think she's wise. Yes. Now, our mother was not a naturally born say it person. She wasn't. And if you go listen to our Leslie Family Business Podcast, plug, plug, plug, I talk all about that with our mom. And I think you and I have talked about it. She was not by nature a say it person, but she's earned the right because she understands timing, truth, and grace, kind of sort of. We love you, mom. For the most part. For the most part. But now, if mom wasn't speaking up and saying it into our lives, I would feel like I'm being gypped. Because the the older you get and the more achievements you make, the less people speak into your life. It's so true. So be open. Well, have how many times have we said to mom, tell our daughters, like say it. If you think that's wrong, mom, you have authority. You have you have sweat equity, relational equity, speak into their lives because your tone is right. You mom has the ability. She's just got a natural propensity to say things and set you straight or correct you and direct you. Right. And you're driving home going, oh, that was a correction. Yeah. But you feel challenged by it. Exactly. You get in the car and go, Oh, I'm doing that first day. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna Google that doctor right now. She told me I needed it. And I remember something mom said to me when I first started on the road. You ready for the story? Tell me. Talking about a say it person. Thank God she told me. Yeah. You'd been on the road traveling, you were a pro. Like a pro with your tracks, a pro with the start of your songs, a pro with the end endings, the transitions, the exhortations. And I don't know that people understand how long that took you to get good at this, right? A lot and a lot of hours. But you weren't just anointed. No, you worked hard, you practiced. So I had recorded this beautiful night of recording, live recording. This night went better than I imagined. It's my first invitation at this church. And I had just gotten my tracks back from the producer. So you know that moment. Uh-huh. You just got them back. You really haven't rehearsed. Mom was with me that night. She traveled with me. I don't know why, but we went. And I got up and they had me sing like six of my new songs. I botched every one of them. No, you didn't know. I needed because we recorded so much that night. It was live where the songs went over. Um, you know how it is. So you didn't know the arrangements as well as I should have. So I'm on the plane listening. I thought I did. And when I got up, my brain just went off. And it wasn't like train wreck, but mom knew because she knows me. And so she's on the front row, just like looking at me, like, this is not your best. But of course, now I'm throwing it off, like, how annoyed were those songs. It was amazing. So we get back to the hotel and she goes, Can I tell you something? And she she always asks, and that's a sign she's about to drop a nuclear bomb. It's coming. But she said it so sweetly and so kind. You need to get in a room, you need to get your tracks, and you need to practice till they're perfect. And that was all she said. Yeah. She didn't say, What happened there? And put me on the defensive and make me answer. She just said, You need to get in a room. Yeah. You need to get it right. You need to polish it and make it perfect. And I remember she was a say it person, and I remember Steve was a say it person the first time I was on TBN. And we got home and to watch it when it aired, he goes, Why aren't you smiling? I was literally in a fetal position on the cops going, Don't say that. But the reality was, I needed somebody to say it. So when we don't want to hear it, and we're all we do is say, save it, save it, save it. They're gonna get hurt. Right. Toxic empathy, and you can't tell them. Well, you're damaging people. Help them say it. And when you're younger, if somebody corrects you, you make them pay. Right. It's true. You get upset, you get defensive. You get defensive. You when you're older, you pay for somebody to tell you the truth. Oh my gosh, that's so right. And that that's where we need to live, no matter what stage of life we're in. Be a learner. Be open. If you don't have people in your life, ask yourself this question. Do I have a Mordecai? Yeah. Do I have somebody in my life? Do I have a Nathan? Yeah. Do I have somebody that will speak? Speaks the truth to you. And if they get it wrong, they don't say it perfectly. Right. You don't get your feathers ruffled. You don't get focused on that. You go, I need this feedback because the vision that I have for my life is too big for me to trip over tone and how you said it. Now I am a tone person. I am too. I you bring the right tone and then we're good. And Dan's had to learn that. Yeah. You don't just get to just be like a knife with your words. I'm very sensitive, you know. But I've also had to learn to not be so sensitive. That's right. And then if I open myself up to feedback and I go, hey, listen, I'm doing this. Show me what, tell me what you think I can do better. Because every time God's taking me to a new assignment, it's in front of more people. It's a bigger response, it's a bigger platform. That's right. So it's more feedback. When you're a singer and a gospel artist, people forgive a lot. Yeah. Because the tracks rolling, the music's rolling, and they love you. But when you're preaching or you move from a singer to a speaker, man, it's like the audience can shift. It's true. And they look at you and they've got some feedback if you don't say it right or if you didn't use the right translation or whatever that is. So you have to be open to saying, listen, I'm going to be a lifelong student and learning how to get better. So with every new assignment God gives you, every new gifting you develop, you have to be willing to say, I need say it people in my life. That's right. Don't be so sensitive that you say you didn't have the right to say, you should have said it differently. No, be somebody that welcomes feedback. That's that's important to learn that too. I agree. But honestly, so I I think if you're gonna put the say it and save it person, it shouldn't be two people. Yeah. They really should be one person. Yeah. That it's something that we develop the skill of. We save it enough so that when we say it, it's met with uh with grace, with timing, and with truth. And it's received. If you have the this is this is a benefit of having sisters, having a twin, of having my mother. If my if Dan and I just just vehemently disagree, and I think I'm right, he's learned, call your sister. Yeah, it's just call your sister. And he doesn't get offended by that. No, he understands that you have a way of saying things. Now I don't even tell him I I ask you, or I'll I'll run an idea through mom. Yeah. And I don't even bring it up to him anymore. Because I know that you will say it. That's right. I know that you will go, okay, so let me help you with this here. Or yes, you should do that so that when I go to him, I'll go, yes, I already called Mary and she's for it. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like you give that what is that, that, like that peer uh support, you know? And again, those are all little tricks that we've learned. But the the main point of it is is keep your emotions and your feelings out of it. Right. Because there may, you may be a save it person. And instead of saying it, if it's if you know it's not going to be received, it might be something you just need to surrender.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:22

And if you are a person that has a hard time sharing some things, then maybe you need to be somebody that learns how, get some education, learn from people that know how to say things in a way that is that gets conversation started and is not off-putting to people. Right. So that you can say what you want to say and you're not constantly stuffing your feelings. And be a person that's willing to step up and learn how to say things. Yes. Speak truth at the right time and stand up for your values and stand up for godly values and what you think are right. Because we can be so quick to defend ourselves, and we don't, as my mother would say, we don't ever even defend Jesus. We don't get offended for him, we get offended for ourselves. I I have a question. Okay, and I want you to think about it. And if you if you can't think of it, I think you can think of it on the spot. You can ask me the same question and I'll answer it. But tell me a time where you didn't save it, you said it, and you're glad you said it and you were right. Like one time that you knew, it doesn't have to be with Steve or anybody that's close to you, but somebody in your life that you knew, I had a moment and you knew prophetically you were supposed to say it, and you did, and it was you got the right re the right feedback, and you never regretted saying it. So I don't I don't mean to sound cocky or arrogant at all, but in the role of being a pastor, pastor's wife and being in ministry and being very much hands-on with with women and and people in our church, uh now in this season quite a bit, because I'm I'm pretty strong. I don't let things pass me by because I know people are looking at me for me to say it. Um, I will I will say the one that's coming to mind is when um I had some friends in our church years ago that asked me what I thought about attending a gay marriage. Is that what you're asking? Something like that? I say something like that. Okay. Yeah. So help some people. I I they asked me what I thought, and I already knew what I thought because I knew they were gonna ask me, and I thought about what I thought. I thought it through. Right. There you go. I had thought it through and I'd saved it enough to think it through to be able to say what I believed, not what I felt, what I believed according to God's word, but I knew they would not agree with it. But you asked me, right? So I said, I do not believe you should go to a gay wedding. Yeah. I don't care if it's your brother, your son, your daughter. I think you should set the boundary. And if if you have values, if you have godly principles that you live by, they don't have the right to ask you to break those values and to change those values for what they want to do. Yeah. Just like if I were to say to them, well, I don't want you to be gay, or I want you to come to church with me and hear my belief, they would reserve the right to say, I'm not doing that. I don't believe that. But I love you, mom. I'm gay now, I don't believe your faith, so I'm not going with you. And they get a pass. Yeah. And we got to pray for them because they're in the world. And I agree with that. Yeah. But that means I still have every right to say, well, this is what I believe. That's right. And since you're you won't come to church with me because you don't believe that's not your faith anymore. Your faith is godlessness, yeah, right? Mine isn't. I believe wholeheartedly, because this is how I live my life through the word of God, that gay marriage is an abomination, that homosexuality, it's not a preference, it's a perversion. Right. And you are deceived. Now, yeah, two things can be true. I love you. Yeah. And I'm not gonna change, I'm not gonna stop loving you. And I know for some people in the gay community, they make fun of that and they mock that, like that's so funny. So, my loving you is I accept you. Right. That's how I show you that I love you. Well, that doesn't work in reverse. So, no, I don't accept the lifestyle. I'm not going to your wedding. And I told them you should not go to the wedding because if you do, then you will go to the, you'll be at the baby shower when they adopt a baby. Yeah. And then you're gonna be at the divorce when they get divorced. And I just knew because we've seen it before. And then you're going to be helping them raise their child. Yep. Where because you're not, and when does it stop? Right. So where they where you draw the line now to not cross it out of respect for my God and what I believe is I won't go to your wedding, but I'll see you next week. I'll see you when you get back. Right. And I was I'm very strong about that. Now there's there's plenty of other examples, but that was one that was hard because I've kind of been able to watch, they didn't listen. And and it went the way I felt like it would. Not to be not too many. I mean, that's a sad scenario. That's I don't brag about that. That's sad. And they regret that they didn't listen. Yeah. And it's not that not listening made that happen. That was gonna happen. Right. So they just needed to protect their own values, and they regret, they wish they had. Yeah. Because at what point now you gotta step up and do it. Yeah. I mean And now you're so in it. I know. How do you how do you go back the other direction? So you might as well do it. Everybody's integrated. Yeah. So that was that was definitely a say it. And I knew that it would hurt some feelings. Yeah. But, and it did, it hurt some feelings. But I stand by it. Yeah. And I think that's missing more and more in our culture. And I think there's where people starting to step up to stand up for truth and speak truth. And truth always sounds like a bitter pill to people that that are away from God. It always sounds like hatred. It sounds like that's anti-God. That's not love. That's not what Jesus would do. But that's the part about the prophetic part of saying it. Yeah. And again, there's different stages of our lives. We can watch, you can watch this and and just ask the Lord where you're at and and and discern, you know, what parts you can take to fill different scenarios. But if we're talking about the spiritual side of saying it, I think, and you've taught me that, mom's taught me that over the years. You better say it, especially if it's people in your world, your sons, your daughters, your husband, and you see them going down a path that's different than what you raise them to do. There's nothing wrong with saying, that's wrong. I love you. Living with your fiance, living with your boyfriend, with your girlfriend before you're married. We don't, that ain't us. That ain't what we do. We go to church, you don't sleep together before you're married, you're not married. Like all you can do is say it. That's right. All you can do is say it. And I I remember um back years ago, I had somebody, it was a very close friend that was married. We were all kind of married at the same time, and she married this really great young man. And um something started happening, and I couldn't understand what was going on, and she wanted to get divorced, and and it just got crazy. I'm like, what is going on? He's a great guy. You know, we were it was just a crazy time. And uh she started accusing him of things that were just we knew was not accurate. And um, so she starts having a relationship with this other man, ends up divorcing her first husband and marries this other man. And and uh years later, um she said to me, she actually was she wrote letters to several of the people in our life and said, Stop talking about me, you know, keep my name off of your lips. You don't criticize me. I did what I had to do. This is what I wanted. And uh, I'm thinking, nobody's talking about you. Like we kind of knew that that's what happened. It was years before uh before she wrote the letters. And so we just said, whatever, it is what it is, and we lost relationship. And years later, after they had she had had children with this new man and they were starting to get older, um, she was at my house for this big event. And I I'll never forget this as long as I live. She came and there's people all in the house, and she came over to me, and this is right after my music had started to become popular and people were hearing my songs, and she had tears running down her face, and she said, I just want to say something to you. Years ago, I hated you because you looked at me and said, if you leave your husband for this other man, what you're doing is wrong. Wow. It is wrong, and you need to repent or something crazy. She said, I said, You what you're doing is wrong. And she said, I hated you for saying that to me. And she said, I would go to bed every night and I would just hate you. Like she doesn't understand. But deep down, I knew you were right. Wow. I knew that what I did was wrong. And she said, I want you to know something. No matter how mad people get at you, you keep speaking truth. Come on, keep telling the truth. Yes. And I was stunned because I thought, you know, she would be nice, but didn't really want to have a relationship with me at all. And I barely remembered having that conversation, but I do remember saying, dude, that's not right. Like what are you doing? You know, but I went on with my life, she went on with hers. But those words stayed with her. And I mean, years and years go by, she ended up divorcing the man that she'd been married to. It all fell apart. Yeah. And I didn't want that to happen. I I wasn't, that wasn't my my goal, and I didn't find joy in that. But that's the part of living life that you realize you have to say it. You have to speak it to people. And for her to say, no matter how mad people get, if it's true, keep saying it. Tell people the truth. Yes. And maybe somebody will be saved from what I've been saved from. That's right. And again, it goes back to timing, grace, and truth. If it can be said a better way, then say it a better way. Yeah, but truth is is truth. It's truth. But to speak it in love. But speak it in love. Anyway, discern that for us. To use all of these things we're saying, use it at based on how the Holy Spirit leads you. Yeah. I think we we do err on the side of saying what we want to say out of our flesh. Yes. And we're not really developing the skill of saying things out of our spirit that are godly. And that's so important in these days. It's so important. What you believe is in your heart, but it comes out of your mouth.

SPEAKER_00 41:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:22

And we have to say what we believe. Jesus looked at Peter and said, I rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus. I rebuke you. Get behind me. He said that, Martha. He said that to Peter, the disciple that loved him, that followed him, that walked with Jesus and talked with Jesus, he looked and he said, Get thee behind me, Satan. And we're so afraid to say, I think the Bible says that's a sin. I'm afraid. No, you don't have to clobber people with it. You don't have to get in their faces. But when you know they're making a decision that is destructive for their lives, if you're in their lives, speak up the truth. Don't sit on the truth. Right. Because God, the truth, here's the truth. We are obligated and responsible for the truth, for the truth, and to speak it. That doesn't mean that everybody is our burden.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:13

But when we are in the life of someone that needs our direction and our ability to speak up and say, listen, thus saith the Lord, thou art the man. Yes. Like Nathan said to King David. If we never want to bring that kind of correction and direction, then what's it for? If we all only save it, save it, save it because we're afraid, we're going to offend, we're missing God. And look at how who else is going to say it? No, but that what a perfect example of emotional intelligence and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. And then walking prophetically in your gifting. Nathan told a story. He didn't walk in and go, Let me tell you something, David. I know what you did. God show me what you did. No, he said, Hey, there's a story over here of what happened in your kingdom. Brilliant. Brilliant. And what he did, that is such a perfect social experiment for all of us to learn from. Yeah. That Nathan did just come in barreling with truth and fighting, because he knew what the reaction he would get. He moved David's heart. Yeah. He made David see it on his own. That's what we're talking about.

SPEAKER_00 43:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

If it's a conversation with your spouse or a child or a coworker or somebody that works for you, if you care enough about that person and you walk enough in the fruit of the spirit and really want to bring truth and grace and life to people, then you do have more intentionality. You are learning emotional awareness and intelligence in these areas. So that what is the outcome? It's like you said earlier. Do I want to just be right or do I want to have some kind of relationship with this person? That's right. And if that's your goal, then you do think, okay, things need to be said. Let me make sure that I'm saying at the right time with the right tone. Or it's not going to be received. No. But Nathan knew to go in and say, David, hey, there's a man in your Kingdom, and here's what he's done. Right. And told this story that go read your Bible. It's incredible. It's incredible. It brought David to a place of go get that man. Let's kill him right now. How could he take somebody else's land? How could he steal from that other person and then kill that person? Go get him. And then Nathan basically the scenario was: I just painted the picture of exactly what you've done. That's David. You took Jezebel and then you killed her husband. And brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant, led by God in that moment. And then David brought him to a place of repentance. Isn't that what we're trying to get to? That's right. We're trying to help people when we speak truth that they would come to a place of repentance. Not just, oh, I feel bad that I hurt you. No. No, but I need to change my ways. And we're just God's mouthpiece. Yeah. We really are. So I think maybe we're in a stage now where if we're say it people, check your heart. Make sure you're not just saying it because you feel prideful and you're repelling people, but are you saying it in a way that people come to you now? They're coming around going, okay, what you said the other day, that was good. I need to, I need to I need you to speak into my life. You were right. Let's work to become what to become those people. Yes. And we do that by saving it enough, but knowing with the right timing and truth and grace, filtered with wisdom, we need to be able to have the courage to speak up and speak the truth in love. Help people that are in a in a very difficult situation that might not realize they're going down a wrong path. Right. Rather than saying it from the perspective of, I'm offended, my flesh, I'm gonna say it. Yeah. That has to die in us anyway. That's right. Surrender that. Surrender that. And save that. Say that. Save it. Go get better at conversation. That's so good. Go get better at, you know, having relationships with people. Go get better. Like put time in that. Because the goal is that when we're done with me saying it, we're still in relationships. I love that. And that we're now our relationship's better because of it. Wow. We could go on and on and on. We could keep saying it, but we need to save it. Saying it, but we need to save it for the next podcast because there's more to come. Yes. What a great time this was today. Thank you. I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot and I appreciate your wisdom. I appreciate your wisdom. And I am grateful for everybody that watched and tuned in. Yep. I am too. Have a great day.