The Courage to Change Your Life!

Caleb Brown: today's guest is someone I've known my entire life. And his story is one that I think a lot of a lot of our listeners here are gonna like and they're gonna relate to. At 35, Matt has taken a path that looks very different from where he started. After spending years In the typical work work world, and after serving eight years in the Army Reserves, he's made a decision to pursue something different, the things he actually cares about. So we're gonna talk about what what caused those changes. he plays music, he's currently attending barber school, and is pursuing a life built more around creativity, purpose, and peace. But that journey hasn't been easy. Matt's faced struggles with alcohol addiction, mental health, And rather than allowing those experiences to define him, he began looking at life differently, learning the importance of protecting his own peace, slowing down in life, and appreciating the peacefulness that can be found. He is also interested in theology and philosophy, which gives us plenty to explore when it comes to the bigger questions of life that this show likes to dig into, such as why are we here? What actually makes a life meaningful. How much of our identity comes from our job? What makes what happens when we stop living for other people's expectations? And what does it really mean to protect your peace? This is a conversation with Matt about addiction, mental health purpose, identity, creativity, and the search for something deeper. See, anything comment on that real quick? Yeah, the journey, man, it's it's it's been a long one. I've overcome some struggles in my life and I'm sure many people have their own struggles in their own ways and the goal and objective is just to find a better path for you and in a sense of grounding yourself and Finding your true path and I think I'm I'm starting to open my eyes and I found the path that was directed for me. And when we g go through this journey I think you guys can kinda see how it from where I began to where I am now is a complete one eighty. And you'll see where it started and you'll get to see how I've made these slight changes and slowly got to where I am now and still trying to improve in every aspect of my life to be in become one the path that I'm the direction I'm supposed to take. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. of course I've been here through it all. but I kinda wanna bring it back a little bit to when we were smaller. we like to we liked wrestling a lot back then and we liked to do trampoline wrestling is what we called it. It's funny that a lot of our family's gonna laugh about it because they know that this little journey here's kinda come full circle with it because, you know, we used to do this wrestling show called the cat walk. Or was it the cat talk? The cat talk, yeah. The cat talk. we'd always we always liked acting and being I guess g wrestling had a lot to do with that aspect of kinda w being on camera and Yeah, taking it back yeah, so taking tying the childhood part of aspect of it in is is another thing too, 'cause I'm I'm starting to realize going back to my childhood and enjoying those things like we're doing now with this podcast that I never would have dreamed of doing. Yeah, I mean once we got older y I feel like all of us kinda lose that sense of ourself. We was grounded with you. This last year is probably the closest we've been in what? Ten, fifteen years. for sure. Yeah, for sure. And we both had some a lot of changes in our lives. For sure. For sure. The one thing I wanted to hit on was that what you we were talking earlier, you said the I'm Matt. how'd that go? I'm yeah, so my wrestling name was Wildcat. You gotta tell the camera story though. My wrestling name was Wildcat Matt and my catchphrase pretty much was I'm wild I'm a cat and my name's Matt. And then we that would be my thing. That was my alter ego in a sense, when we was kids. And man, we had all the neighbor k hood kids coming over and wrestling. It was a big thing if you really think about it back then. And we didn't have tablets and stuff, you know what I'm saying? So that was we printed our belts. People don't do that stuff much anymore, I don't think. Old printers. Ch kids don't anyways. What was those old printers that old printer was we had that I can't remember. It wasn't a laser printer, but it was Yeah. I don't remember what Yeah, yeah. But you had to rip the the edges off of each side of the paper. Yeah. And we made our belts out of that and stuck it in those little cover folders, right? Yeah, 'cause those those belts we those belts we would get from Walmart never lasted because we just Because the dogs are gonna we ended up breaking yeah yeah. Yeah. So there's a little inside Dark Childhood, Getting nerds, liking wrestling, doing the trampoline thing, getting hurt. road forwarders a lot. We had some good friends growing up. we're not you know, it's close today because of life, but we had some really good friends growing up. Yeah, for sure, for sure. so yeah, moving I guess we'll move up to when I guess I kinda left and joined the military. 'Cause I guess that's kinda when I kinda lost I was gone for several years. So I don't really know much w what what was life like then when I was gone. I mean, it was it was different at first, having you around, you know what I mean, majority of the time. I th I I say like it took a year to get adjusted to to you being gone a full year. It was different for a while, not having you around. I know dad missed you a lot. He had his struggles too. when it came to that. But yeah, it was it was a ch it was a change. It just the even f the friends, you know I mean, 'cause you had friends coming over, they weren't over much anymore. It wa it was definitely a shift and and th a lot of things. It's kind of a quick one too, because I left like twelve days after I graduated, so it was pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah. so what led you 'Cause it wasn't long. I guess I was in Iraq at the time in two thousand nine, when you joined the army. What led you to doing that? See, that's one I've really I've really had to think about. I've thought about it to myself to why I joined the military. I think I didn't join it on my own accord, if that makes sense. I think I joined the military because Grandpa joined the military, you joined the military. Yeah. And our step brother was in the military. So I felt I felt b this is the path I should I should wander. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We never talked about it before then. Yeah. This is the first time. Yeah. So that was And speaking on the military journey, I I feel I In the beginning I yeah, I mean I understood it. I liked the discipline factor of it. But amongst a lot of things, that's why I didn't stay in. I I feel like that's not where I was supposed to be. Yeah if that makes sense. Yeah. Am I glad I did it? Yes, it's it i it it instilled a lot of good qualities to me. What made you pick the job you had? I actually went in wanting to do something else. And I just got talked into that. Like I said, I was young. I had no direction in a sense of I was like, I just want to get in the military. I can worry about this later on. So at the at the time they had 91 Bravo diesel mechanic out there. So I jumped on it, but that even that wasn't even what I really wanted to be. So in looking back at it now, with the mind I have now, I would have totally went in a different maybe even a different branch of the service. Yeah. And a s you know what I mean? Yeah. I if I could do things over I for sure. But it's totally different at this point. That's the path that I took. What did you want to originally do? I originally wanted to do eleven Bravo or an infantryman. Infantry, yeah. Yeah. And probably the reserves didn't have that job. No, they didn't have that. And I think that N the ninety one Bravo has helped me in certain aspects of my life when I got you know I mean because I had jobs on the mechanic that had a lot to do with mechanic work. And and the it's funny how things you do it it comes to you in your life later on actually kind of help you along the way. So that was how everything kind of tumbled in. Because that's just what the I went to Mepps and he's like, We got this position available. I sat there and was like, Man, if I I don't take this, I am I ever gonna get to get in? Am I gonna have to am I just gonna put it off? Because I'm one of those people I like to procrastinate. So I'm a big big procrastinator. How many did you just have to go to MEP MEPS for anybody that doesn't know is the military entry entry processing station, which is in St. Louis for us here? All branches have to go through it to do their medical evaluations and that's where you enlist at. it's not a very fun process for most people. It is It is a long day. I'll tell a story about that in just a second. But how many times did you go? Did you go one time? I think I ended up having to go so I went through the whole MEPS thing. The it was a whole day process for me. And I was s seventeen at the time. I've never been in that situation, you know what I mean? You know, that was weird for me because we come from small town Piedmont. Which part was weird? And w I went in there, I was anxiety ridden. But I wasn't as bad as some of the guys that was there because there was guys vomiting in the bathroom. I guess they were nervous. That's it was it was it was weird. It was weird. To lead into my Milo's story real quick. Do you remember the the old man who took you into the room? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that the duck walk guy. You'd get down and Yeah, the duck walk guy. Yeah. Yeah, that was a lot of our listeners that's been in the military's probably met the same exact guy. and here's why. Because when I joined in two thousand seven and I met that guy, and not only does he make you do a duck walk, he also checks for other things when you're butt naked, just Yeah, I try not to remember that one. I blocked that out. When I came back into the National Guard and when was it, twenty nineteen? When I came in with you, that same dude was still there doing the same job and did it again. Wow. So just imagine That's cra how many buttholes that dude looked at yeah throughout the years. Because that was that was over what? T twelve twelve years? That was a long time ago. And it was the same guy. Same guy, dude. So that is crazy. What talking about the military, do you got any cool stories from like basic training? Man, we talked about I think I remember one, which we'll kinda hit on, but it really wasn't that funny, I don't think. But I got Nothing too crazy though, but the craziest thing that I guess is experience a why for mental health and whatnot reasons is we had this guy he he threw himself down some stairs just to try to get out of basic training. And they ended up putting him on Suicide. suicide watch, yeah. So we ended up having to watch this guy twenty four hours a day. This isn't bad enough that you gotta do fire watch. It was it was crazy. he ended up finally getting medic med bedboarded out or whatever. And Did he that's the last thing I I you know I mean I've seen of him, but other than that other than the you know I mean the drill sergeants doing what they do, which To me, looking at it now ain't crazy, but back then I'm like, I can't believe they're doing this. You know what mean? But and I don't even think they're they could do half the stuff they used to do. Throw them in the middle. Yeah. Everything's piled up in the middle of the bay. man, yeah. Did you guys have a kill zone, a kill floor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as you get there, if you stepped over that, they'd be on you. And Man, it was just it w When I first got there, that first day there, when I finally 'cause you're in what is it, reception for a little bit? That was awful too. But you finally got downrange. I remember the first day I'm just like, man, what did I do? Why did I do this? That was literally what went through my head. Why did I do this? Like that distinct smell. I've never smelled it anywhere else. Did you mention that guy that threw his death down the stairs middle health? Like we had the same guy we had a guy that tried hanging himself with a weapon sling off a bunk. wow. Yeah. Did they ended up getting him out too? We had to do suicide watch on him too. Yeah, it's crazy. See, that's another thing that's crazy to me is these guys that do that. It takes it you wouldn't think but it takes a long time to get them out paperwork wise. These guys would be around for a long sometimes longer than what the training itself is. Or if like some of I remember in reception I'd meet guys that I guess had a yeah, ro ma Man, they'd be stuck there forever it seemed like. That was something. You went to Fort Benny? Yeah. Yeah. Did you do the sand was it sandhill? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's a wild time. And for a lot of you that may not know, cool thing about me and my brother, we we're actually in the same unit for a little while. couple of years actually, when I got back off active duty I went to the reserves and we were in the same unit because it was really cool. Two forty fifth, yeah. I don't even remember. Two four five. Yeah. The rolling W. Yeah. Shout out to the rolling W. Yeah we had we had that Humvee, it had brown and brown. They called the Humvee Brown Brown. Yeah, that thing was still around after we were gone. Yeah. It was neat. Yeah. That's that's probably one of my favorite times when I was in the military to be honest is whenever we got yeah. Yeah, that was different. Yep. It was for sure different. Yeah. It was cool. Some wild times. Towards the end of it, what'd you think about it? Towards the end of my term, I was ready I was ready to get out. I was I remember you tell I couldn't be myself in the in in the military, so I was ready to get out. I remember you telling me the story you'd pulled up at and you would you said you'd open the door and you just feel sick and you just yeah. That's you that's your gut liter. If you ever feel like that, that's that's nature telling you to pack up. Pack up and find your d find your way out. Find your way. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I don't know. You know, it's it was some you did go you went to Germany, right? Yeah, yeah. Germany was fun. but I d I wish I would have had a redo on it because I just all because I was I wasn't at the legal drinking age here. Here. So when we went to Germany I it was legal to drink. And I just drank the whole time. I didn't get I didn't go on hikes and do stuff like I wish I would have. I missed a looking back at it now I missed a dire opportunity to see some stuff. Yeah. And I just yeah I just did a lot of drinking and partying and how it is when you get older, right? Yeah. Yeah. Look at things the same. Yeah. So I guess it was Was it a mixture of that time and then you started? Where did you go? yeah I know you did concrete for a while with Yeah, so that that was an experience I did. I did I got to work with dad for a while doing concrete. I l I liked the job. I really liked the job. just the pay wasn't there, you know what I mean? wasn't good for me health wise. Probably not mentally health health wise either. But I had it was a good experience for me, you know. I mean, I learned s I learned some good stuff there. I actually learned how to drive a stick shift through that job when I was y y w younger. 'Cause I started there younger, you know, I mean, before I even Yeah, you're probably what, eighteen, nineteen? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. And then you got on at the Union Pacific. Is that correct? Yeah. So that's yeah, so I ended up getting on with the railroad and and I was a conductor With them, let me see. I think I yeah, I started in twenty fourteen and I got I was when was it? Twenty twenty twenty two probably or twenty twenty three is whenever somewhere around that time frame's when I got out of the being a conductor for the Union Pacific. But that was a dire changing point in my life because the the schedule of being a train conductor, a lot of people don't r understand it. You you'll take a train out of town you'll get called to take a train out of town, then you'll you'll get called to bring one back. Well you're on call twenty four seven. So once you tie up as in clock out on a c on the computer when after your work day's over, you are subject for a f that phone to ring after ten hours of undisturbed rest. Day ten hours they will be calling you. So you're not ho you you could be working midnights, days that is when my I feel like my mental health really started to decline and travel for the the worst and I was making good money. I was choosing money over my mental health. the group of guys that work for the railroad, the my brothers, I feel for them and they were very good people. That was that company that not the company, but the guys that work for that company They are very good people. I I had good connections with those guys 'cause you're in a cab with these guys for twelve plus hours sometimes and you really build some good connections with them. So think looking at the the Union Pacific, how how is it structured? Isn't it kinda different, kinda like the government? Ain't there's some kind of connection there that the government kinda See that's yes, exactly. That that's why I was I'm glad you said that. Man, that it's a it's a it's it's a giant corporation and these corporations This job here is pretty much what's made me despise corporations at this point in my life. they don't care about you as a person. They w all they c they want that that profit. That's all they want, profit. They'll do anything for profit. These companies preach safety. They don't care about safety. They just they just want their profits. I actually got fired from the railroad, to play music for mom's cancer benefit. Mm. And they knew about it and they still fired me. Did I get re arbitrated later on, but that was a year later, yes. But I did not accept to go back because I won't I will not work for a company that you know I mean, does not care an aspect of a family member that has can't you know I mean, I I I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to do it. Yeah. I don't care how much money's involved. I just And they wouldn't let you off that day, right? They would not let me off that day. It's it's it's it's craziness to me. Yeah. And then you you talked about getting hurt. tell the story about that. Yeah, that was my first year of railroading. I Pretty much we was coming out of a d grain facility. It was a balloon track, so it's a track that just pretty much comes around and meets the main line. You have a D rail and a main line switch. Well, we engineer was pulling the train out and we have these rail cruise express vans is what we call They're just vans that shuttles. Once a train clears the main line, comes around the track and clears the main line, he would take me back to the head end after I line the switch and put the D rail back on. Well, I'm w we're parked here. Waiting I'm waiting for that train to clear that switch. Well, I look up to my right, I see some sparks flying. I I don't know what's going on. I hear the van driver say, Holy shit. I'm looking, I look up, I say, shit by the time it seemed like time just slowed down. Mm-hmm. That was the first time I ever had that experience. Yeah, everything was just like the matrix. Yeah. I guess it's the adrenaline that kicks in. I ended up jumping over this guy's lap. I got he's on the other side. I got out of there before he did. I didn't look. I just took off running. I went down, there was a drop off in the ditch. That's I end up breaking my wrist. I think I I I got a a pretty good gash on my hand. End up getting stitches later. I remember crawling up out of that ditch, just grain everywhere. I'm crawling out of the grain. I'm like, is that guy still alive? Yeah, exactly. That's why yeah. Smashed the van, right? The van was smashed like a can. No, I don't have it on my phone. So it's gonna last like we can post it later on. so people can see it. Mom might have it. Yeah, I have it but I don't have it on my phone. Yeah, we'll we'll dig it up and try to get it posted so you guys can see 'cause it was pretty wild looking. Yeah, I w it would have been a closed casket. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. I am blessed. my life flashed before my eyes. It was that close. And so at that moment, you know, so we talked about after do you think that's kinda when the mental health thing started was at The railroad. Yeah, I think that was the that was the benefiting factor of the Probably the military kinda helped a little bit too, but just I wasn't doing things to fulfill my my not my needs but who I was as a who I'm supposed to be is me. Yeah. And I feel like my me is and someone else's me is different. You know, I mean everybody has that me. And until you find that or f go down that road to find it. Something makes you're not gonna you're not really gonna find who you really are supposed to be. What was a day in the life of Matt like at that time? It was I w it was dr I was drinking daily. I was drinking it's sl I started with beer, you know, I mean, I would drink beer. Six pack. As soon as you get off the train. Six pack. Just drink. And then there'd be moments to where we would get laid off. Period of t 'cause that's how the ra railroad works when you're low seniority. You would get laid off in periods of time. So I'd have I'd have a drinking problem why I was working. But I wouldn't get too bad because I had to work the next day. Well, when you tie into getting laid off, I'm stressed now, I'd have I don't have a job anymore. Mm-hmm. But I like to drink still too, because now I'm worried when do I have to go back to cause I'm not too happy with the job. Yeah, I mean I it's you're working both playing fields there. Yeah. But this is my career. Th this is my life now. So I I accept this. Mm-hmm. So I'll just drink to bury it. You know what I mean? I'll just drink 'cause it makes me feel better. Yeah. So I just drank. And I and me taking the drink during that time frame when I was laid off, instead of finding my path I was drinking. So I wasted all that time. And it was just a vicious cycle and I did that for years and I stayed with the railroad for years. I'd do I'd b oddbob jobs and whatnot when I was laid off, but and then and then I got fi I was act yeah, that that leads you to where I was get I actually got fired for the playing the benefit, doing doing what you know I mean, what nature called me to do. Yeah. I did that and then that's what that's what got me fired and that's in a sense what freed me too. Yeah. You know what I mean? Got me you were not in a sense, I went to other jobs, other corporations, but it was a step a dire stepping stone. Right. Or I'd still be I'd still be at the railroad and I would just be miserable. I mean at one point you were drinking I mean you started drinking whiskey, I mean. That was that's where that's where my mental health really that's where it spiraled. And that's when I leaped into let's say, Yeah, so that was slowly, yeah, after I got fired, that led me to drink more 'cause I was really lost at that point. Mm-hmm. 'Cause it wasn't like, I'm fired, I know my path, I know what I'm doing now. It's like, No, you're fired. You are lost, you're on a broken road and you have nowhere to go. Yeah. That's what it was. And that's when I put full throttle. You know what I mean? That's when I I would drink a pint a day. Yeah. And I liked those shooters. The shooters. I would buy a ten pack of shooters. I think that would equivalate out to a a pint, I think. I can't remember now, but I think I figured that up. I would calculate how much I could drink. That's how b you know I mean, that's how bad it gets when you're calculating, okay, a pint is my limit. But is it? You know, that's that's it's crazy. Did you ever feel like you can drink and not really feel the effects? I didn't notice it then, which I don't drink anymore, d but I will have a c drink on occasion. If I have one drink now, let's say one whiskey drink, I will feel it. You know what I mean? I will be like, Whoa, how did I drink this stuff? Yeah. Instead you're drinking like ten a day, like I had to drink I think it was so bad I had to drink to function. Yeah. You know what I mean? I had to drink to function. And a lot of people can kind of probably relate to that. Yeah. So Yeah. What so that was kinda your turning point a little bit of your mental health getting it back. I remember a night you went to a hotel and stayed. And You were pretty drunk when you called me that night. And I think you were feeling pretty down. I don't know if you remember this night. I think I do. I think I was staying in This is Farmington. Farmington, man. Yeah, I remember that night exactly. I I literally woke up that morning and bought a fifth of whiskey. I planned this out. I'm just gonna get as drunk as I can. This is what I was gonna do. And it's just crazy thinking about that. That's your plan for the day. Yeah. See how drunk you can get. Yeah, man. I remember and I I I called you and I called several clo several close friends of mine and I think I was really lost. Yeah. I really didn't know what to do. Let me ask you. And it was it was I was building connections with people that I shouldn't be kill building connections with. Yeah. They were kinda stepping on me and then I was stepping on myself. You know what I mean? It's of about who you hang out with too, right? Yes. You can't get out of those situations that you're surrounded by that. You know, not to downplay other people's problems or their addictions because everybody has addictions or problems, right? We're not perfect, we're gonna have these problems. But you can't leave yourself in those situations if you want to get better and no one else around you is trying to get better. Because there's it's just gonna bring you back down, right? Yeah. Would you say that you were ever suicidal? for sure. For sure. I actually I've actually attempted suicide before. Now tell us about it. I was blackout drunk. And that's the thing. When you're blackout drunk, I feel like you're you're in a different realm at this point. You're in a different realm. I it wasn't only that it it was a A bad relationship involved too. Mini a lot of manipulation going on in a sense of drinking, alcohol. I was in I was one of the worst of the worst when it comes to my mental health at this point. And I put I've put it I've put in a gun to my head. I've done that one time in my life. And that was it. And that and that That scares me to think about. I don't know. I really don't know. I I believe it was I believe I believe it was God that stopped me. Yeah. It was the only thing I can believe. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. Not the only one. You know, we I think in our family we deal with mental health because I've been there as well. That's why we're sitting here today. Just because I believe deeply about mental health. addiction, you know, runs obviously big in our family as well. So what do you think helped you overcome it ultimately? So once I finally I said enough is enough, I threw my hands up. I'm like, I'm done. I'm done with this. Was it easy? No. I I would start and then I would fall. I'd get back up, I'd go again. So it wasn't I'm you know I mean overnight. I would start, be good for a couple days. Go back to it. Drinking again. Couple days back to drinking again. Couple you know what I mean, weeks. I'd be good. The I started listening to Can't Hurt Me. David Goggins. David Goggins podcast. I just seen the book here. I was gonna say I got the book here somewhere, right? Somewhere in here. There it is right there. This book has saved my life. And I really recommend everybody if you're struggling. I know like I'm not a big big military person, but it has nothing to if you you know I mean this book is a lot. Yeah, it doesn't matter about military when it comes to that book. Dave Goggins is a Awesome dude when it comes to mental health and struggles. There's several books up there that I could recommend about that. I'd also recommend The Molecule of More. It's another good book if you guys like to read. so what do you think? What do you think? I mean, since you have experiences with mental health and addiction, what do people misunderstand the most about addiction? I think a lot of people misunderstand the The the will, the it's a I feel like it's a it's literally it's a it's a disease. It's a and it needs to be treated as a disease. It's a it's a it's a mental health pr you know what I mean, a a crisis. And I think a lot of people look as it a as in i he's just making bad decisions. He's he d Th this this kid doesn't know what he's doing. You know what I mean? And I wanna be clear real quick with the audience here that we're we're talking about alcohol addiction right now. But this goes for any other addiction. Drugs, you know, all addictions. It's all the same. An addiction's an addiction. It's You know, I in law enforcement I I see it all the time as well, and you're right. I mean it it is a disease. I mean, even the struggle of mental health at this point I think in society is is the disease at this point. Yes, yes. And we're really we're we're really in a crisis right now with our country with mental health. It is just running rampant. For sure. And It's got a lot to do with a w I I sa I feel like technology has a lot to do with it. I you know, I mean, there's a lot of different things that I feel like has to do with the decline of our mental health. Yeah. No doubt about it. But back on the topic of this book again. What started making me my the first thing I started doing to kinda get my rhythm going Which I know a lot of people don't make their beds every day. Well, I was one of those people. Yeah, I was in the military, but that made you not want to make your bed when you got out. I started to get up and make my bed every day. That was my goal for that day. It's funny because And I started doing it every day. You heard of Admiral McRaven? Yeah. he has a video called Make just Make Your Bed Every Day or something like that. And it's a commencement speech he was given to a college and it's exactly what he's talking about. Yeah. You know, it just it's the little things that set your day, right, up for success. It's Just as little as getting out of bed and making it. Like you've accomplished the first task of the day. Exactly. That's I'm a firm believer in that too. It really helps. You gotta set goals. You gotta achieve these goals. You gotta you gotta look for the better, you know, the good. What kind of switching gears to the mental health aspect, right? Because you're a totally different person today. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean Things have changed tremendously in your life. I am I am completely blessed, yes. For sure. Just like, you know, same for me. Like I've been through struggles as well and I've changed. and I'm sure age has some to do with it, but not necessarily completely, because I see people older than us that still struggle. We have someone in our family that still struggles and deals with things. it's heartbreaking. What you think the difference between surviving and actual living is? So looking back at that, right, and now it's your life, would you say you're living? I would say I'm living but I'm not I'm almost there. I'm almost to where I wanna be. Once I get I feel like 'cause I'm I'm starting careers over again. Once I get this and I've always wanted to cut hair. I've always wanted to be a barber. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I always liked being creative. S once I get this, I feel like this is my path to fulfillment. This is what yeah, I mean, this is what I'm meant to do. when I was leaving the job before when I was leaving the plant, I I was scared to death. 'Cause I was making good money. You know what I mean? I was doing pretty good for myself. Yeah, kinda walk me walk me through and this is this wasn't that long ago, just so you guys are aware. 'Cause it kinda took me by surprise as well. What happened? Like walk me through that mental change Yeah of how this happened. Yeah. What made you come to the realization this is what I wanted to do? how did that come to be? I was I was working, making good money. I was working well, when I first started the job, I was working four twelve. So I'd worked four on, four off. And Midnights are rough when you know I mean you already got mental health sh issues going on. midn working nights is just adding to that you know what I mean, that stress and anxiety. It it's not a good schedule to be on. I'm aware. Yeah. It's it's not a it's not a healthy schedule for you. But, you know, I mean, I did it. I did it most of every every job I've had in the past ten plus years I've worked nights. So I did it. And I would have the four days off to reset. I would hike. All I would do is hike. I would hike miles, I would hike four or five miles a day. Mhm. And nature really I think nature was my shift and my mindset and finding my path. So that's what I do on those days off. Well, they kept switching schedules on me. We ended up well, me and you know, I mean the guys I worked with, we ended up work getting switched to second shift. We would work. five days and be off two days. I like, this is great. I'm only well, I was only working eight hour shifts then. Mm-hmm. So I was excited. It was something new, something for a change. I was like, Cool Well after time goes on, I'm realizing I ain't doing the things that I was able to do before. I'm not getting my nature walks. I'm not you know, I mean, I'm not my mental health finally started to decline again. I was on a climb up slowly, and then it just started gradually going down. I'm not doing this again. and then you know, I mean anything places boy corporations that the drive for production and just their little bitty rules and regulations they have going on to benefit themselves. You know what I mean? Right. All that little bit on top of that I would literally start showing up like there's the comment you made earlier. I feel like throwing up before I walk through the door. Yeah. Well I had that urge going on. And then I I actually right it was probably a month before I actually left or s you know, I mean put in my two weeks. I I got down on one knee. I haven't told anybody this yet. I think I told I think I told my fiance, I can't remember if I did or not. I got on one knee. 'Cause I already had this plan to go to to barber school and I said, God, just give me a sign, just show me my path And I got on Wendy and prayed that and that night I laid down and went to sleep and I dr you think it's funny, but I literally was dreaming of like barber stuff. Right. I'm like, okay, I'm doing it. So get me bad, does it? Yep, I did it and I'm glad I did. Yeah. I'm not I haven't I haven't made it completely done yet, but at this point I'm glad I did. 'Cause I'm on I'm on the path I need to be. And w for once in my life I feel like I'm on the path I need to be. Yeah. And if it wasn't for my fiance, that's another thing, man. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be on this path. And I feel like God has kinda put her in my Yeah. You know what I mean? She just moved down there. I just got out of everything I went through. I was on my healing journey and then our paths crossed. And if it wasn't for her, and I I thank God for her every day. Yeah. So Yeah, I never And that was another that was a I feel like that was a gift for God for me. Yeah I mean, at that point. For sure. So yeah, absolutely. yeah, so we've kinda went up on your trajectory of where you're at today, with barbering barber school. What's your what's your vision with Barber? Like what do you want? Like what do you want it to look like? Like with your shop, like what's this vibe you're setting? So the barber school route, I can finally be who I'm supposed I can be myself for once. Man, I like music. Music is really important to me in my life. It always has been since we was kids. I've always had you know I come straight home and I just listen to music. That's all I would do. I wanna incorporate music in into my shop. I wanna have some nice vintage music, you know I mean, just 'cause music you can set the tone. You can set the mood for any environment. As long as you got some good music going. People be good, talkative, interactive. I wanna Old school barber shop. I wanna bring back the walk in shops, man. I want straight razor shaves. I want the smell of the shaving cream. I want the the conversations to come back. have a jam session the barbershop. I want I wanna bring back the community. I did a gig here a while back there, a couple weekends ago in Piedmont and people were out, man. They have this art walk first Friday art walk. People were actually out in the streets. Kids were laughing and playing. Yeah. It was amazing. It was amazing. And I miss that, man, and that's why I'm really digging into the music again because seeing that, being able to see that is just an experience because that's something you don't see anymore. Everybody's in their phones. Nobody goes out much anymore. Yeah. We've lost that. So that's it changed a lot. Yeah. You know what's crazy is Which leads to more d and pr depression. mental health and you know mean yeah. I mean things are way different than when we were younger, which is for those out there that are our generation that are in their thirties and you know early forties. We've got to experience this this life of what it was like before technology and we've got to experience life with technology. We're like this rare generation that got the best of both worlds that it's not, you know, everybody's Not everybody's gonna get to experience that. You know, just like kids today, like you can see the difference and and things that they've never even heard of. Like they like they don't even know what nine eleven is anymore. Yeah, it's wild. Like That's crazy. That's and that's why I joined the military, like that was my and I was in like eighth grade at the time. So yeah. so We talked about, you know, getting into your barbering you're in school right now for that. Man, do you know that takes longer to get through barber school than it is to be a state trooper? How long does it take to be a state trooper, you know? A rough estimate. Six six months. Eight months. Eight, nine months for barber school, man. Isn't that crazy? So what if somebody was talking about that in school, I'm like, that's crazy, man. Yeah, no. That's not to say that I not about me or law enforcement, but obviously that's a that's a problem when barber school is harder than being a I couldn't believe that. Which we're not gonna get into that on this episode, but Eventually we might. So now that you've found your peace, what do you think protecting your peace what does it mean? I'm staying grounded, s keeping your routine, staying on track, Which I've slipped here lately in the sense of I used to journal every day. I need to get back to doing that because I r my writing was better, my mind was clearer. There's this book, I can't remember the author's name, but the book is called The Artist's Way. It's about it's about tapping into your creativity and there's this thing this section in there called the morning pages. You would as soon as you wake up you would grab a some paper write two pages down. Just your thoughts on paper. Stream of consciousness. Write down on paper. Two pages every day. You take fifteen minutes, ten minutes, write it down every day. And you would do that every day. Well I did that every day for probably at least two months. I would after that I would journal every day, but it wouldn't be in the early morning. First thing it d do in the morning. I have a journal probably that thick of Yeah, I mean everything up to now. But I quit journaling. Just I need to get back into it. What do you mean? Go ahead, I'm sorry. You get in a routine, you could stick with that routine. You you scroll on your phone more than ten minutes, you know I mean. I try to think of things like that. People scroll on their phone for ten minutes. You'd be better off writing in a journal for ten minutes. Yeah. I need to get What does this book mean to you? This book I read this book every day. This is Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Just philosoph philosophy and ethics. this book means so much to me, man. So those of you who don't know who Marcus Aurelius is, he was a Roman emperor during the some of the peak Roman times. he was one of the the better known emperors at the time, the wiser ones. And he wrote this book. These are his this is his journal. These are his thoughts, different things that he went through. It's a very popular book now. it's not really a book that's meant to be read straight through. It's kind of like one of those bedside books, kinda like a Bible, you know, where you pick it up and you just, you know, read it every now not every now and then. Rephrase that. Bad word to say that. You pick it up and you read something in it every day. Right? Yes. It helps. And you can read something out of this. You could start your day and read a couple of these. And you will you will have your mindset for the day. You will have an understanding for that day. It's hard to explain. You'll have to read this book. I've been diving into stoicism. Mm-hmm. I'm not an expert on it. but the the these ethics have really helped me with my outlook in life, as in l my fear and my anxieties. This book will help you with your fear and your anxieties. Th th let's just say I wouldn't have played a solo gig here mmm couple weeks ago if it wasn't for this book. I'll tell you that right now. Now you're on a podcast talking to all kinds of people you don't even know. Yeah. Yeah, that too. That too. This book. This book. We'll set it up here so they can see it. That's a good copy by the way. I I got paperback. Yeah, I mean sure you guys can zoom in if you want and look at some other book collections, but just a hit on I didn't even intend to do that, but it kinda just happened, you know? Yeah. what Let's see, where am I going with this? What do you like every day when you're how do you find your peace now every day? let's just say when I'm feeling down when life 'cause you know how life is, it always you always got something coming you know I mean your way. Some kind of curveball in a sense. Yeah. I do reading, man. I like the the Marcus Aurelius, the meditations, reading or creativity, music. music. that I've I could always have a bad day and if I go play on the drums or play the guitar or write a song. Any accomplishment to yourself, to to who you are, I feel like can really no matter where you're at in life, can really help you in a sense. As ma as hard as it can seem. As long as you can find a way to channel those channel that energy into better things and stay grounded. meditating, man. I I don't know if you've ever have you ever meditated before? Yeah, in a sense, yeah, I would say so. Man, it I've I don't do it daily, but I can I when I do do it, I can really see why people do it daily. Just go into a room, be by yourself, quiet in peace, turn everything off, right? Yeah. And the the music for it, the Yeah, meditation music you can kinda try listen to. Yeah, it's kinda therapeutic. Yeah. Stuff like that really, really help me to get in a a clearer mindset. I getn't I don't know if you ever been this way growing up, but before bef even now, not as much now, but I would have trouble with confidence and a sense of knowing something or Yeah, for sure. And if I would meditate and just clear my head before doing something, I would be ten times better. So I I believe in meditation for sure. I mean he plays music for people but this is totally different. Totally different, yeah. But honestly, like I'm more comfortable with it the longer we sit here. I mean Yeah. And you know, you just gotta stop caring what people think. And you just gotta do you. Yeah. And I think the younger we are, we're so concerned about what everybody else thinks about us. And it doesn't matter. Be you. Yeah. For sure. Hundred percent. For sure. And do what makes you happy. His life is short. Yeah, that's another thing, man. Like you never know when your day's gonna be your last and do you are you happy with your life right now? Right. I mean, is this is this what you want is this what you're supposed to be? Yeah. Those bigger questions in life. I feel like we're meant to create. Yeah. We're meant to be creators. And that's getting taken away from people. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's Yeah. It's all we do. And it's consuming, like it's it's crazy. So flipping gears a little bit, we've hit on your addiction, your mental health, where you're at today. Where are you at today with religion? I'm walking a pretty good path right now. I am I go to church every Sunday. I'm very involved in the church. I play music there. It's a wonderful wonderful service. I I love I love going to church. it keeps it keeps me at peace with myself. I find serenity and everybody there's is very good to me. It has really been a drastic change for me in my life and I first went into church, my fiancee now fiance, my girlfriend at the time, she took me she asked me to go to church with her. So I was like, Okay, yeah, I'll go to church Which I hadn't been in church in since we was kids probably. other yeah I mean I think my earliest memories in church was with grandma, vacation bible school. Yeah. Yeah. Those are my earliest memories. And kinda like to explain it a little bit like It set the foundation for my faith and what I believe. But that's not why I believe what I believe, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? We was just told this is what you believe. Right. We never understood well, I never understood I understood it, but I never You just felt like it was th this is what I'm supposed to do. This is what I'm gonna do. Which experience it. I think that You have to experience it. For a lot of the listeners is that they Just like me, like I stopped. Just like you. You didn't do it you know, you didn't believe for a long time, or you might have believed. I I I'm gonna say we didn't believe, you know what I'm saying? Like we said, I was lost, I had no faith at all, yes, correct. So I mean and in a sense I think that's the danger of being raised in the church is that you get this this sense of, well, I'm I was raised a Christian, so I'm Christian, right? No you're not. Like you you have to have that personal relationship that you have to form yourself with with God. And I don't really feel like we have that until that moment where we really truly understand. And you gotta seek those questions and ask Like I mean what's what's one of the hardest questions that you've struggled with when it comes to Religion. Man, just that's a tough one, man. Just Just how everything started. You know what I mean? Like how everything began. But like you said, we I I wasn't on that road to faith. And then it came back around and I was able to go in in my first couple of times going into going to church and whatnot, I was just like, Yeah. My first time actually going back when my fiancee took me in there, girlfriend at the time, they had a song on. It was Heart Fought Hallelujah. Yeah. Who was it do you know the artist's name? I can't remember his name. I know exactly what you're talking about. I walked that was the song that was playing. Buddy of mine now, he was he's singing it. something changed in me after that because I never heard that song until I walked in on that day. And that day after that day I wanted to go back again. Yeah. And then I went again and then I went again and then I went again. And the only thing that kept me from going to church usually was work. You know what I mean? I would have to work and then I would get out of my routine of going to church. I felt that and that I was better I was a better human being c not only character wise, but There's a feeling you get when you know something's off, you just don't fe you feel that anxiety and that stress and that depression. Yeah. Well, I felt like that when I didn't go for a a period of time. Right. So I engraved it into my routine now that I try to go every Sunday if I can. And if I can't make it then it usually don't affect me because it was 'cause I couldn't. Yeah. But if I can go, I will go and I love my church. I love it. They're good people. They does denomination mean anything? Do you take it or do you does it matter? You go to a certain denomination. Yes. I go to one that's considered non denominational. But I'm just curious what like what do you s what it would what denomination would you think? I I go to a Methodist church But I don't think of as a me I don't think Methodist. I'm I'm a believer in Jesus. I'm a believer in God and I'm going there to believe. You know what I mean? And to to get the energy from everybody and the love of God and the Jesus and to just have that commun that community and supporting each other and all believing in the same thing. That is what I think is yeah, I mean that that's what keeps me going there. And I think Because the there's no 'cause some churches are not like that. There's some churches that give you bad experiences. Right. And yeah. So which this church is great. For a while. Yeah. something I hit on like there real quick is he said that he goes to church for the for the community, the connection. The relationship between you as in the audience and everybody that your connection with Jesus and God is your connection. That's your relationship that you build. You don't go to church to build that relationship. You go to church to be around other people who are broken like you. That's where you're going. And if you go to a church that looks down upon people that are broken, looks down upon the person that comes in that's dirty or homeless. Go somewhere else because that's not a church. That's go somewhere else because you need to be around the people that are like you. And that are accepting of people that are broken. And you need to be able to to shine that light right out there into the world. And this that's another thing why I like about this this church I go to. They do Friday night recovery night for people recover you know, I mean recovering and they really do a good job with you know I mean, helping people. Yeah. And I I love my church and I I give those people that volunteer some props because they volunteer a lot of their time to help these people. Yeah. So cool. So we talked about earlier you you plan on getting baptized, right? Yeah. Your father in law? Yeah. They didn't know. he's a retired pastor. Yes. Yeah. cool. And you consider yourself saved. we talked about that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that's really kinda it where I want to hit on religion. I'd like to pray if you want to real quick and then we'll for sure music. So Heavenly Father. King of Kings, Lord of Lords, we we bow our heads right now and thank you for this moment, this platform that I'm trying to build here, that I can reach more people and share your word with them. This isn't a podcast just about mental health and just the human, you know, soul pe the human experience. It's it's about a relationship with you and I want people to come to you and see that because we're a broken humanity, that we need you and that you are real and that you are here for us and that we experience the evil in this world and we experience the brokenness that we have in this world because of our sinfulness. And I just ask that you be with us and help guide people that are listening and if they have any questions that they might turn to you. And I thank you for my brother and the life that we've got to experience together and that we're still here and that we're building this bond and this connection and I think that because of you and because of this this platform and I think our connection's only gonna grow even more and I think you'll see more of that. And I'm just so thankful for that, Lord. Son's name I pray. Amen. so yeah, let's jump into your music. What's kind of tell me about your music background here. Man, I Well hold on. First that reminds me. I was gonna bring up do you remember when we were kids? We had a drum set and a guitar. Yeah. And we had a band named Persimmon. I was telling I was telling my fiance that. Yeah. you would play the guitar and I would play the drum. We would do covers we would cover the we put a creed backing track on. Well, it wasn't a backing track. It was a Yeah. It was actually the album and we'd sing and play along to it. We'd have a concert, we'd write tickets out and we'd we'd give Dad the ticket and be like, Our show's at this time, won't you come and listen to us? Yeah, I remember that. That was good times right there. Yeah, Dad gave us that band named Persimmon because we kinda like poison and Yeah. Persimmon sounded like poison. I didn't even know what a persimmon was. Yeah, I didn't either. That was funny. But yeah, so where has it gone since then? Man, I've been I've got probably I've probably got n ten songs wrote that I need to get albumed out, which that's my goal. eventually is to get my album out there. And this album will be an album I've been working on. Kinda like Axl Rose with his late his Chinese Democracy album. It took him ten years to finish it. But I think ten years, don't quote me on that. But I know it took him a long time. But it's one of my journeys where it might take me a while With you know, I mean, I like we've talked about I've had a lot of hiccups in my life and I've been I've been jumping around but I will get it done in that you can hear your music now? go to my Facebook page, j Matt Brown Matthew Brown, Piedmont, Missouri for the location. You can find me on Facebook as of now. And I have all my music on there on that on that page. You can find it'll be acoustic versions. I have some videos with my some of my recordings. But those will be more polished as I go through and actually get them get them done and mastered out. But I will have that album out and hopefully soon. What how many gigs you you playing now? man, I've been blessed with music. that's another blessing of mine. The past past three weekends I've been able to play our my next gig is with my my band I'm in is Oc October twenty fourth at Mustang Sally's in Piedmont, Missouri. So if you're around Piedmont, Missouri on October twenty fourth, Mustang Sally's, there will be a gig there. I think it starts at seven PM. It'll be around seven PM. I will be posting on my Facebook page. What's the band names that you play? the band name is the locals. So we'll be playing I'll do buddy of mine will be doing a set. I'll be behind the drums on two sets and then another friend of mine will be doing her set as well th and She will be on acoustic guitar vocals. He'll be on acoustic guitar vocals. I'll be playing drums and then I'll have someone drum come in and drum for me and then I'll be doing a an acoustic set as well with some of my originals and some music that really inspires me and that goes along the lines of a lot of sixties sixties rock music with n Americana feel. I like newer the newer Americano alternative, kind of like Zach Bryan. A lot of people say Zach Bryan's a country. music artist. I don't consider him a country music artist. I consider him an Americana folk folk music folk musician. I like his stuff. I just like people that write about, you know what I mean, experiences or or I'm big I'm I'm starting to be big in this thing, man. I'm I'm trying to get it back, the doors. I don't know if you ever heard the doors, but They he was he was a philos he was a philosopher in my opinion. In your in your terms, what is a philosopher? Is it someone that has a degree in philosophy? Or is it someone that studies f someone that has an interest in philosophy? Someone with just an interest in and who you know, who thinks of them deeper questions in life and Yeah. You know, who who brings that creativity and tries to answer those questions that you know a lot of people today don't really think about because all they're concerned about is going to their next job or making the next dollar, right? Yeah. Instead of stopping and slowing down and thinking about, you know, where'd I come from? Why am I here? Those kind of questions. Yeah. So I mean that's cool because I didn't never heard of that. So Yeah, so I'm trying to bring this I'm trying to inf I'm trying to incorporate r philosophy in my writing. Yeah what I'm saying? I'm trying to do something different. Yeah. Jim Morrison was a poet. but he was also big in philosophy. And he y if you if you really listen to his songs he had a lot of that incorporated in them. But I'm trying to incorporate philosophy into my s I feel like me and you have something we something along the lines of philosoph even dad. I don't know if you realize that with dad, but yeah. Philosophy i is engraved in him too. Right. I don't know why, but it's strange to me that all three of us have that quality. But but I have this song I wrote, stashed away the first line of the song was young man philosopher isn't ever gonna learn because you're always you're always trying to see what what what's out there in the sense of what's bigger than us. You're never gonna have all the answers What's this, what's that. Yeah, you're never gonna have all the answers. And that's the joy of it. You know what I mean? You read I don't know. It's very interesting to me and yeah. And I'm not a philosopher, but I'm a philosopher. Yeah. You know what I mean? In a sense. So you came to play a you're gonna play a song that tell what's the story behind that? Whiskey C. Yeah, so this song I wrote I was this is the time I was drinking a pint of whiskey every day and I was pretty much drowning myself. This song is pretty much a metaphor of what the name of the song is, Whiskey C. I was literally sacrificing my path in a sense to just drown myself in an ocean of ecstasy every day. But the ecstasy was was not living. Yeah. So I was drowning myself in an ecstasy of so 'cause when you're in the ocean or when you're in a sea You're just you're just you're floating. Yeah, I mean you're in the abyss. Right. You're sinking. You're either floating and then you're sinking. And play that's the metaphor of this song, man. That's the metaphor. Everybody that's listening, be sure to listen to the words. When you listen to music, that's what you're listening for. You know, listen to these words and what they mean. You know, he wrote these during a time when he was feeling that. So sit back and enjoy it. You just gotta keep moving, keep on climbing, improving, learn from the past and use it. You just want another drink now. You just can't find your way out. Sober relief it's tough for me. Taste that pain now. Burney's bridge is simply town. Psy depression, it's a game now. And I can't hold my breath, you see. Drowning in this ecstasy. Cast me out to that whiskey sea. I just wanna get gone now, get on moving along now, tryna write these wrongs down. I just wanna go crazy, give my brain all hazy. Guess I won't try that sea. Taste that pain now. Bernie's bridge is in the town. Signed depression, it's a game now. Can't hold my breath, you see. Drowning in this ecstasy. Cast me out from that whiskey sea. Taste that pain now. Burn these bridges and leave town. Xi, depression, it's a game now. That sounds so good, dude. Thank you. Sounds so good. For everybody listening. Make sure that You guys follow this page. share it. Not only is it gonna help this platform and get this out to the bigger audience. And like I've said before, it's not about money or fame or anything like that. It's about the human connection and getting that word of God out there to people that need it. And telling them where to go and where to find these things at. And it also promotes his music, which as you can hear is phenomenal. And just go follow these things and help us out. We greatly appreciate it. And we're so glad that you guys are even if you've made it this far in the episode and you're still here with us, thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening to this. Thank you. Thank you. Go out, find your path, find your real self. For sure. Discover yourself. give it a shot, man. If you really if you're feeling like you you you're so lost, read some books, dive in some reading, philosophy, just do do some things, do some research within yourself and and just try. Make your bed in the morning. Thank you. Love you, brother. Thank