How to Stop Losing Yourself in Parenting (But Still Prioritize Your Family)

Christopher Muiña:
This kind of came up a little bit. And I told you straight out, I was like, Steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do. I know she loves on me all the time. Like she thinks I'm a superhero. Like she thinks I am the best.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I remember this. She.

Christopher Muiña:
So I'm gonna be drawn to that. Like she's my little girl. I'm gonna want to give her everything, you know?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. And because I was thinking, you treat Gia better than you treat me.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, yeah. That's what it all came out of. And I was like, yeah, right now, currently. Because we were in a great. Right now. Yeah. Because look. Look how she treats me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Hello and welcome to the family business with the Alessi's. My name is Stephanie Muina and I'm here with my husband Christopher Munger. And we are again going to dive into the topic of marriage. Children married for five years. What did we learn? The whole thing. And we are very excited to dive into it. So please leave your comments at the end of our. At the bottom of the screen on YouTube, on Spotify.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Let us know how you are walking through this season of marriage, how this has helped you because we always love that engagement. We to hear from our listeners. We need to hear from our listeners to see if you like these conversations and if it's helped you in any way. So today we are going to dive into the topic of how did we get here? We've been married for five years and it has been a wild ride. We got married back in 2021 and we got pregnant two months after we got married.

Christopher Muiña:
So we were dating for five months, engaged for six months.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. Without knowing each other at all before then.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah. So married within a year, a month or two later after marriage, you got pregnant. So kind of just thrown into being a husband, being a wife, being a mom, being a dad. And then our independent selves or the things that we were passionate about before we met each other naturally takes a back.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You know, we were thrown into it or we were drowning in it too.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, we jumped in. We jumped in. We wanted to kind of get that kind of going with our life.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And it was fun and exciting and naturally the things that, you know, fueled me, that adventure. You know, I would do a lot of crazy like mountain bike trips or, you know, surfing trips to Costa Rica. All those things, they didn't, weren't important to me anymore. Because what was important was you. What was important was Gianna and Matthew. And for you, you have the same or similar experiences.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
But now five years Later. Those things that once kind of put a spark in us, they're tending to rise up again. So the whole question is, is that okay or should we be doing everything together?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Is there like a, an underlying guilt if I want to do something that you're not really crazy about and you're like, just go ahead, go. Go do it, you know? Yeah, go take that hunting trip. Like, should I feel bad about that or is that healthy?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
So all these things. Because we can kind of like self reflect a little bit.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
All these things as we, as we enter these new stages in marriage is what we're looking back on, is all we're doing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. So pause, pause. Before we dive into this, let's give them some background. Because we were two very adventurous individuals before we got married, which is one

Christopher Muiña:
of the things that brought us together.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
That's one of the reasons that we found each other attractive. Because you were, you know, in Israel for two weeks by yourself. Yeah, I was in Spain for a month by myself. We would do all these things.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, it was crazy.

Christopher Muiña:
Independently.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And then we suddenly met in 2020 during the pandemic when life shut down. So it was very, it was an interesting dichotomy because you and I individually were running at 100 miles per hour. Like you said, you were in Spain, you did an adventure for a month on a boat. Can you please tell me what that was about? Because I always forget what that was.

Christopher Muiña:
Yep. Well, part of my, my master studies was doing like research work, scuba diving, spear fishing. Fishing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So like, what was the whole point of like, like, tell us the story. How did that happen? What. Why did you go on a boat for a whole month?

Christopher Muiña:
It was part of an internship that I was doing in, um, with the National Park Service. So I lived out in the Dry Tortugas for three months and then spent a month on, on the, um, research vessel between here and the Bahamas, just studying, you know, plankton and different fish species and stuff like that. So very adventurous.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. I remember when we were dating, I found your YouTube page and I kind of stalked you through your YouTube page.

Christopher Muiña:
Well. Cause we had no idea who each other were. Like, we were completely new to each other.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And your family was like, hey, you know, he's one of the most interesting men in the world. And I'm like, what do you mean? And they go, yeah, he, he went on a, like a five day biking trip with his brother in law in the desert, only bikes, no hotels, in little tiny cabins. And you would stay in cabins throughout the night, barely any showering, barely any good food. You just literally got on a bike. Not a motorcycle, but on a bike for five days in the desert and went across. What was it?

Christopher Muiña:
It was Colorado and Utah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So that was one story.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah. But tons of things like that. I mean, that's what made me. That's what put that spark inside of me to kind of seek out adventure and a little bit of danger and all those things. And then I met you. And those things don't just go away.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
They maybe kind of get put aside.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. So let me finish what I was saying. I was then doing something in my own lane. You were. Had your own lane. I had my own lane. We were both doing adventurous stuff.

Christopher Muiña:
You already were writing in Nashville.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
You had a record label with.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Whatever. I forgot. Integrity.

Christopher Muiña:
Integrity. Worship.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Traveling to and back from Nashville. You spent two weeks in Israel. The whole thing, like you were taking advantage of your singleness.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
To the. To the best that you could. And you were doing awesome.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And then we met. The world shut down. And that's when we met. When we were both actually in chill mode. So it was very hard for us because we. We didn't really get a solid idea of each other's life. We got an idea while we dated of who we were. Like, I knew you were a family man.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I knew that you were adventurous because of the stories, and I knew that you were very smart and how you wanted to build your life. And that's what made me. You loved the Lord. So we were discovering who we were at the core. But we didn't get to live out life together while we dated. And that was very interesting because I didn't know how important that was until we got married. Because then when we got married and then we had Gianna, and that kept us kind of slowed down as well, to be honest. It wasn't like we.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We got married and then we settled down and then we wanted to resume our. Our normal lives. Because then it was like, whoa, now we're pregnant and we're having kids. So now a mass. Another shift and another break in our normal life routine. So it wasn't until I would say, like, this past year or a year and a half, two years ago, when we started to get into a rhythm with the kids, that we started to realize, oh, this is a normal life rhythm, and this is what I want for my normal life rhythm, and this is what you want for your normal life rhythm. And there's some differences. Do you think that that's accurate?

Christopher Muiña:
Oh, Yeah, I remember maybe six months to a year ago, we had an argument and you felt that I was going too fast. Like you said something about a pace, that my pace was too much. Like, I was just. I had to slow down and relax and stuff. Even on vacations, I don't. I can't just sit there and lie down in a chair.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, you are not the sitting down guy watching tv.

Christopher Muiña:
Right. So you were complaining that about me, and I was like, steph, that's always been who I am. Like, that's who you married. I've always had this pace in life. And again, things were kind of creeping up of like our old selves.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
You wanted to chill when we had our days off. You like to have a late morning brunch, chill on the couch, and by 10am I'm like, all right, I want to do stuff. I want to do stuff in the house. Let's go on a walk, let's do stuff.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's how you chill. Now I'm understanding. And what was so hard was I think we realized we chilled differently. It was hilarious because we would have arguments where it was like, well, you just go too fast and you do too much. And we both, we one day hit a wall where we're like, okay, I think we both do too much and we both go too fast, but in separate lanes, which could actually. At first it was really, really hard. And then we were like, okay, we gotta let them run their race. But when we decide this is when we're chilling, we've gotta have some middle ground.

Christopher Muiña:
The difference is you like to run hard throughout the week. Monday through Thursday, Monday through Friday till 10 o'.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Clock.

Christopher Muiña:
You like to fill your schedule with this?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
More like Sunday through Thursday.

Christopher Muiña:
Sunday through Thursday, Yeah. Our work week. You like to feel be productive during that week?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I do.

Christopher Muiña:
I like to be productive on the weekends.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And at night you like to turn off.

Christopher Muiña:
I like to turn off at night.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Six, seven o', clock, you're done.

Christopher Muiña:
Right. That's my wind down time. Have dinner, chill, watch tv, be home. Right. But on Fridays and Saturdays is our weekend. If I'm not productive during one of those two days, I feel like I wasted my weekend.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And on those two days, you want to chill, you want to do nothing, you want to go to a coffee shop.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, so we really had to

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
kind of find a middle ground.

Christopher Muiña:
Find a middle ground.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because, I mean, I would get so mad at you. You don't chill, you don't sit down and watch a movie with me and Then I'm like, steph, you're adults. You just moved into this new house. You have 18 boxes in your garage. You can't sit around and watch movies all day. You got to work. You got to. You have to have seasons.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So that's. That was kind of something I had to work out where it's like, your husband is working hard. Because the worst is when I would hear my girlfriends that were like, you. That were like, I spent the whole weekend working on my garage, working on my thing, and I'm like, I just sat on the couch all weekend and I wanted to rest. And I got mad at my husband for wanting to work. And that would make me feel super convicted because I'm like, okay, I need to push myself a little bit here. He's right. We need to.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We need to go. But then when we would get on vacation.

Christopher Muiña:
Hold on. Before you go to vacation.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Okay.

Christopher Muiña:
I, on the other hand, I had to be like, hey, Friday morning, let's go to your favorite coffee shop. You know, let's take the kids. We'll go to a park.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You did. It was so nice.

Christopher Muiña:
We'll spend a couple hours. It was so nice, you know, and then let's come back and do what we got to do in the house. So it was a give and take. It wasn't just all work. By the way, I'm already planning a Sunday after church. I gotta cut the grass.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Okay, that's fine. Then I'm leaving. I'm gonna go to a coffee shop with my friends. Dave. What was I gonna say? But I was gonna add to that. When we would go on vacation, you would want to wake up at, like, 10 and be out of the house. Or we would wake up early and want to be out of the house by, like, 10 or out of the hotel. And I'm like, please, just for these four days, can we slow down? And you did.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It was. It was nice. But yeah, like, we had to meet in the middle. And I will say, I do appreciate that day. You went to Mamma and Bakery with me, and you sat there in that super girly blue swirly coffee shop and you had a croissant with me. And that was really nice. That won you points for, like, a year.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But we're coming up on that year, so I don't know what year. I don't know what else you'll do.

Christopher Muiña:
The point is our.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
To repair that.

Christopher Muiña:
Are having hobbies independently.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Are those okay? You know, in a marriage and when

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
the hobbies are so different because you One of my hobbies is honestly going to restaurants with my friends. That is, that is a legitimate hobby of mine. And you were like, it's spending money. You're just sitting around. Is there, Is it somebody's birthday? I'm like, no, we just want to sit around and talk. And again, you have to come to that middle point. But then I realized. I'm sorry if I interrupted you, but.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And then I realized that like, your hobbies, you recharge the way you want to recharge and that I respect that. I gotta, I gotta give you space to do that because I would hate if you came over to me and try to change up my hobbies.

Christopher Muiña:
And, and I think they're okay as long as we still have our things that we do together.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
To bond together.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Like, we can't just let go of those things or, or be like, I will be fine. Because then we start. Can start to kind of drift apart. Like we always have to have those things that do draw us together, that do kind of bring us together.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And those should be. I think the, the priority. If you have a tight week is true, then, hey, what are we doing together? Are we going to watch a movie?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, yeah. You know, and I think we've also entered a really great part of our season of our marriage where I genuinely. I would rather just kind of be with you.

Christopher Muiña:
Oh, yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
After.

Christopher Muiña:
After three hours of a Saturday of me going to.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I'm done.

Christopher Muiña:
I'm like, I want to go back.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I want to go home.

Christopher Muiña:
I want to. I want to, you know, spend time with you. Spend time with the kids.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. And I like our time together. It really does recharge me. And I had the. I had an immature mindset going into marriage too. It was like, I need to recharge by doing something else. And it's like, no, you don't. Which kids help.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Help you get to that point. Kids do make you realize you recharge at home with your babies and with your husband. That that is the most fulfilling thing in your life. Nothing else will. Everything else is a wonderful add on and a won addition that are necessary. Friends are necessary, outings are necessary, whatever it is, hobbies, sports, it is necessary. But it will not be the one thing that refuels me. It's not going to be the one thing that recharges me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What fulfills my core is knowing. Sorry. What fulfills my core? My heart. What gets me in a really solid place is spending time with you and the kids, like every single time. And I did have to realign that I wasn't naturally like that. I wasn't one of those girls that dreamt of becoming a mother or dreamt of becoming a wife. I didn't disdain that. I didn't like, I wasn't, I didn't mock that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I was, I was looking forward to that. But it wasn't like this massive dream. So I did have to realign my priorities a little bit and say, no, this is, this is the most fulfilling. Nothing else will fulfill me more than this.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, Steph, I don't think anybody naturally does that. I think that's learned.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And it's trial and error. Hey, maybe in six months this, this plan of ours won't work.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I know, I know.

Christopher Muiña:
A lot of people don't realize that we're, we're new to. We've never had a four year old.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You know.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
It's the first time ever having Gianna's gonna turn four. We've never done it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I know.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, we've never been married for more than five years, so we don't

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
know what that's like.

Christopher Muiña:
Sure, we can get experiences from others and learn things, but we're learning as we're going.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We watched that movie Solemio and I will say, let me preface it with. It is not the perfect epitome or the perfect explanation of marriage. Like there was some weird stuff in there that was not a good example. However, there was that one scene where the guys were arguing with each other and the guy, the main guy, Kevin James was saying, how is it that you guys, all you do is argue and you don't even argue in a healthy way and you're still together and you guys have broken up and gotten back together multiple times and you're still together. And I had a healthy relationship with my fiance and she left me at the altar. How does that work? And the guy goes, it's funny because the actor is the same actor that plays Jesus. So it's like every time he talks, he plays Jesus from the Chosen. So every time he spoke it was like, it kind of feels like Jesus is speaking right now.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But he said, you know, you're right. There are some habits and there are some dynamics that we can work on and make better. But what keeps us together is our foundation. The foundation. Knowing that I, I love this person and I respect this person and I accept this person. And even though we'll have our arguments, we'll have our disagreements, they'll do things that I don't like and I'LL do things that they don't like. But what keeps it solid, what keeps us really even, like, secure in our relationship, is the foundation that at the end of the day, you know what? I'm going to go out with my friends, but I'm not going to be gone for three hours. I got to get home.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He's. He's expecting me to come home. And I respect that because I got kids that need me. I want to go buy. I want to go shopping, and I want to go buy coffee, but I don't want to rack up a $200 bill on a random Saturday. That's not fair to him. So that. Because I know the foundation, I know your expectations, and I respect that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'm. I'm tethered to you and me and our expectations more than anybody else's. Is that. Am I saying that right?

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So I think that that is where. I think that that's what allows us to go through those ebbs and flows where one year I really love hanging out with my friends. The next year it's probably going to be working out where my next hobby is working out. And then in a couple years, you might want to get a boat or a car, and that's going to be our next hobby. It's going to change. But what allows us to use that freedom and to pursue those things is making sure that our foundation is in check. And it's not a foundation that you could just create and leave. You're constantly pouring into that foundation.

Christopher Muiña:
And when you say foundation, that's the same thing as, like, the basics, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
Returning back to that basics of when you were first married, Prioritizing each other, giving each other grace, putting each other first, like, what are your needs and wants? Even though I don't like sitting in a coffee shop. Let's go do that. That's what you're talking about as far as foundation.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. Making sure that your tank is filled. That you. You feel that I'm putting you first. That my dad told me a while ago. We were talking about. I think it was my sisters and I. We were sitting down with my dad, and Gabby was about to get married, and it was late at night.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I don't really remember. I think you were actually out of town, so I was able to stay at their house. So we were talking to my dad late, and I. We all ask dad, what's one thing that mom does that makes you feel good? And he goes, you know, guys, she does a lot of things. I love how she's Joyous. I love how she's fun, but the one thing that makes me feel like a million bucks is when she chooses me over everybody else. When she maybe gets invited somewhere when she has to go do something, and she actually turns it down because she says, I'd rather just be with you. He said that made me feel like a king on top of the world.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That I have a wife that genuinely enjoys her time with me because that's a reflection of him. That means that he's enjoyable, that he treats her right, that she would rather be with him because he's fun. And they watch their shows and they have their snack, midnight snacks, and they. They know the. The. You know, it's a friendship. It's a relationship that's healthy and enjoyable. And he said that that was one of his favorite things.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And when he told me that, I was like, whoa, okay, I'm going to assume all husbands are the same here. And I'm going to do that to Chris. And when I did, that changed the game. In fact, you became more lenient and allowed me to do more things. You were okay with me going out and spending a little bit because you knew Stephanie's gonna choose me. At the end of the day, you

Christopher Muiña:
know, that's the weird dynamic that a lot of times we don't understand, is that if your tank is filled, then that's gonna. You're gonna get more of what you want because I'm gonna want to give it to you more. And. And the opposite is true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
If I feel like my tank is, like, empty.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
I'm not getting with the things that. That make me feel good.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Then I'm going to be less willing to give you what you want.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
So if you just make sure that your spouse is filled.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, then everybody wins. It's probably a good question to ask your spouse what makes you feel valued.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. You know, it will really change because it could be something so small that we don't even know, because a lot

Christopher Muiña:
of times, another mistake we make is we think I should know that about you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, or I think you should know that about me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
About me.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, we.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We assume that of each other, and

Christopher Muiña:
that's not really fair. How. How are you supposed to know what makes me feel valued?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, okay, maybe if we're married for 30 years. Okay. You should have picked up on that already.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
But five years in, how are you supposed to know that?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You know, maybe I don't even know that. What makes me feel Valued.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
So just asking the question will spur that conversation to discover.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, man.

Christopher Muiña:
What, what makes me feel like, like a million bucks.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I don't know.

Christopher Muiña:
I don't even know myself. Yeah, so that's good.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No, and sometimes, you know, let's also take this to a deeper level because it was really hitting ahead. It's easy for us to say, okay, I'm just not going to go out today or I'm not going to do my hobby today because you need me. What's really hard is when it's in a, when it is a ministry based responsibility and sometimes I would feel like, okay, I have to choose either a ministry thing or my husband. Thankfully you've never put me in that position. You've under been very understanding, but I am extreme when it comes to ministry. I'm extreme. I, I do not know a healthy balance. I could stay at the church all day, every day.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, I'm good. I really enjoy this. I, I can do ministry stuff at 9pm on a Wednesday and then be back at the church. I, I really, really love pouring myself out in that way. And you did have to tell me, okay, but is it right when you're doing that at the sake of your kids and your husband? And I had to sit back and be like, that is not how a godly wife operates. My husband needs me and my husband needs me to value him more than anything. And I did have to even get that into alignment where I and my mom would push me a lot. Go home and take care of your husband.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You don't have to be here. You don't have to be at this rehearsal, you don't have to be at this whatever. And if I fulfilled my ministerial obligations and I know my calling and I stick to my lane, then I've got to be able to know when to say, okay, good night everybody and to go home and be with you. Because even if you and I got into, even if we were about to have an amazing event at the church where I did my best work, I did my best preparation and we got into an argument before church or before that event, I would be off my game the entire night because something in me would just feel unrattled, like my husband isn't. He doesn't feel valued, something is off and if he's not feeling good, then I can't feel good.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, here's kind of what I've learned of. I haven't been in like full time ministry for, you know, as long as you or whatever, but I have learned that There are times where there are demands on us, ministry demands that we just kind of have to put our head down and do it and do it. And it may be a super busy week or two weeks of evening events or doing ministry stuff. Yeah, that's just the name of the game. That's just part of it. So when we're not in that, it's important to realize, is this optional, is this necessary that I'm here? Because if it's not, I should be at home recharging for when it is necessary. Because then the necessary times comes and we're drained or we're not in alignment because in the times of maybe easiness, we didn't really manage it well.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
And then that can really build. And then we look at those times, if necessary times of being in ministry like 100% where we're busy, then we can start to like point the finger at that. And it's like, no, it's not. That's normal.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
You know what? We should have managed it when it was light.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. That's the perfect way to say it. Because the one thing I did not want us to do was blame church and ministry for our setbacks. I did not want to do that because people have full time jobs that take away more of their time than church does.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, accountants right now, oh my gosh, they are super busy. They are not going on vacation, they're working, you know, on their days off because it's tax season. Yeah, every industry has it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You can't just look at ministry and be like, oh, ministry is the one thing, the one thing that's going to take all your time. It's like, no, every, everybody has something, everybody has it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And they have to learn how to manage that too. And they have to learn how to say, no, I gotta. This is a season where if it's a low season, I'm prioritizing my family because the high season's coming. But I just knew, I'm like, I don't ever our hearts to get to that place. So that means it's my responsibility to make us feel like, like we are recharged. And in my intensity with my intense brain, I always think, well, if the church needs me, I will always say yes because those are treasures in heaven that I am putting away. Which, yes, that is true. That is 100% true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
However, what will my ministry look like if my family is not a part of it? If my family's not healthy? I have seen incredible preachers, incredible songwriters, incredible church builders, lose all of their credibility because of a divorce.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, what validates us to do what we do is our family. Family being healthy. You and I are marriage first and our kids are healthy.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
If that's not done well, then we have. We have no validity to speak into anybody's life, to go visit them, to pray over them, to tell them points about the Bible or family, anything.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
If we don't have it together. And the church isn't what's going to get in the way of that. It's us and how we manage it that'll get in the way of that. We have the responsibility to say to let my yes be yes and my no be no. Because my number one priority is my family. It's my relationship with Jesus, and then it's my family. And I had to have that. That conversation with the Lord that said, God, I can't do all that I did before because my yes needs to become more intentional and my yes needs to be more specific.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And my yes needs to have a greater quality to it. And Lord, I. I know you will honor that. Because I am saying no for the sake of my family. I'm not saying no because I'm tired. I'm not saying no because the church is exhausting. I'm not saying no because I'm insecure about my marriage. I'm saying no because I have my priorities in order.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And my yes needs to be more specific. I have to say yes to Gianna when she needs me home, to bathe her and to get her in her PJs and to put her to bed. I need to say yes to that and ebbs and flows. In 18, 15 years, it won't be like that anymore. Gia and I and Matthew and I will connect in different ways. If anything, we'll be doing all ministry together. So we'll be here connecting and doing it. But for this season, my kids need me, my babies need me, and God want needs me to say yes to my kids before I say yes to a ton of other commitments.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I have to place some serious boundaries for the sake of my family. And I know that the Lord will honor that.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, yeah. It's said that like your family is your first ministry, Right? Yeah, that's very true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes, it is.

Christopher Muiña:
Now, what we see a lot often, and this might not be so good, but we see a lot of times where new parents, they'll have a baby and they stop serving. Yeah. Because they got a newborn at home. That's fine.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I love that you brought that up.

Christopher Muiña:
But then they never get back on the horse, they never come back to serve. And it's like, hey guys, your baby's a year old. They can be in the kids ministry for a little bit.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I know.

Christopher Muiña:
Get back to serving how you did before. What's the deal with that?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I don't know. Well, I will say fear is a huge thing with wives, with moms, I don't know what a man's biggest hurdle is when they start having kids, but for moms, it's fear. And it manifests in many different ways. Fear of health, fear of safety, fear of not being able to manage it all, even sometimes fear of other people speaking into your children so you want to protect them. And it will hinder you in a way you could not imagine. And it's, we always talk to the pregnant women and we tell them all the time when the second this baby comes, you're changing completely. Who you are without a baby and pregnant is not who you will be when the baby comes. Your brain, biologically it will change and your personality will change.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And the things that you did not fear before, you will now suddenly fear. But to be a fear driven mom will not produce the fruit that you want it to produce. And your motive behind your choices with your children is everything. Because if it's driven by fear, then you will raise anxious kids and nervous kids. But if it is driven by the right priorities, it's driven by I want to love. I do it out of love for my children. I do it out of a godliness for my children. I do it out of a boldness for my children.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Then that will create children that are bold and secure and confident. And I do think mothers will allow fear to prevent them from opening up their world again. Because they say we'll start to say no to a lot of things. They don't only say no to church, they say no to friendships, they say no to their husbands, they say no to interactions. They shut the world down for their child to protect, to protect, to protect. And it is not done with the right motive. It's all done with fear. And that if you ever worry that your children will become anxious, well, if their mother is anxious, then what do you think is going to happen? Your child doesn't feel secure, your child's nervous, they're going, someone's going to hurt them wherever they go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And you do as a mother, have to push yourself to reopen your world again, to reopen your heart again. For some moms, it's easy. They're like, let's go I don't really care about that. But the fear will pop up in other areas. We're all susceptible to it. But to the mothers that, that, that have a lot of fear for their children, you do have to push yourself and you do have to come to this place of, okay, we're going to put the kids in the children's ministry because it is time. They are six months, they're five months old. The church has put proper boundaries in place to keep my children safe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I need to start resuming normal life again. I have to start serving and I'm going to bring my child along with me. And if my child is frustrated and if they cry, then my child has to acclimate to my life. They have to acclimate to my schedule, because nobody talks about that. In five years, you're going to be kind of sick of constantly having your world revolve around your children. And there will be a day where you say, I need my normal life back, I need my normal schedule back. I need my normal personality back.

Christopher Muiña:
And how fun is it if that normal means your kid is along with you? Because they're so used to coming and sitting in church with you or coming and Gianna was at rehearsal last night with you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. You know, she loves it.

Christopher Muiña:
She was too little for rehearsal, but she loves to be there. So. Yeah, but that's your normal. That's your Tuesday nights, you're in rehearsal. So she's acclimating to you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And that's. Kids are adaptable.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
They can get it. Like they can figure it out.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
This is kind of segueing us into another topic of.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Can I add to that one more thing? You know, I think that this is not a feminist thing, this is a biblical statement. But the Proverbs 31, Woman had a purpose. She knew her purpose was her family, she knew her purpose was her marriage, but she individually knew she had a purpose to contribute to the world. And it is very easy for us mothers to get into our motherhood cave where everything we do is for our kids, everything we do is for our husband, everything we do is for our home. And there's aspects to that. That's good because that's true. Yeah. We do have to our motherhood.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Mothers are the core of the home. We really are. And we do need to choose motherhood over everything else at certain aspects of our life. But the Bible, in the Proverbs 31, Woman, she buys a field with her own money. She goes into the marketplace and she sells her her items. She recognizes she has an individual purpose outside of motherhood, that she needs to contribute to the kingdom of God, that she needs to contribute to society. And yeah, you can have it all. You can be a mother of a lot of kids.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You can have a happy husband and you can run a business, you can serve in the church, you can work at the church, you can work out and have a good meal on the table at the end of the night. So I think that that's the danger of sinking into this motherhood fearful cave. You forget your purpose. You forget that you are allowed to have a purpose. Our husbands have one and we have one. And it is our responsibility to contribute back into the kingdom of God. And that's not a feminist thing. The feminists have probably taken it and ruined it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But it's a biblical matter. It's a biblical principle that we all have purposes to contribute back to the church and back to the kingdom.

Christopher Muiña:
I think it's. It's interesting that all, like really high capacity individuals where you can fill in the blank for that one. They all have like five kids.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Crazy. Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
They all are, like, in shape. They. They make time to work out.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
Super healthy. They are. Have wealth that they've generated. They all serve at their church.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
Like, they are. They have a high capacity.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
Like they have learned to expand their capacity.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And just add more to their life.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Without having to retract and be like, soul, like only interested in one thing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's so true.

Christopher Muiña:
Like, they got everything. They're juggling all these balls up in the air.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And somehow they have the grace to do it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Which means there's no excuse.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
There's no excuse.

Christopher Muiña:
So kind of the. Maybe the last topic that we talk about is, are our kids or can your children hurt your marriage? Have we seen that? Have we like, walked that line of. Oh, man, this is. We've allowed our kids or we've used our kids as an excuse to not focus on each other. Or is it all, yeah, good things and they're just help.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What do you think? Because I want to think about my answer.

Christopher Muiña:
I think that children are. Our kids are so fun and bring so much joy and fullness to our life that we can tend to forget about each other and use them as an excuse to. Not an intentional excuse. It just kind of happens naturally. But to really go back to the basics or the foundation, like what you were saying earlier. Because our attention or our time is all on our kids. And they really fill us. They give us so much joy.

Christopher Muiña:
And I think it's not just us. I know a lot of couples do this. So how do we balance that to where our kids are the center of our lives, but not to the degree where it's going to begin to hinder you and my relation. Our relationship.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah. And it also. Everything comes down to your perspective in life. I think everything and your choices and your priorities stem from your perspective. And it comes down to. For mothers and wives, it comes down to. To these two statements. I cannot and I can.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
For me, I have caught myself at a fork in the road where the kids are overwhelming, marriage is overwhelming. And I can either say, I cannot do this or I could say, I can do this. I can get my kids in order. And I could say, somebody take my kids for one night. I'm going to go to the movies with my husband. Because let me first. If we're talking about basics, let me first make sure him and I are good. So we're going to go watch a movie, we're going to go out to eat, we're going to go have fun.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'm going to prioritize you because I have to love you more than I love my kids because they're going to feel the outpouring of our love first. So that's my first thing. If I'm overwhelmed and I tell myself I could do this, I go and I prioritize you. Once we are good, then I manage my children. And somebody told me that. I hope this answers your question. But if you, if you do feel like you can't manage the relationships, or if you can't manage the kids and the husbands, then it is all about adding and subtracting to your life. Are there some things we can subtract? Am I over committing to things? Do I have to go work out six days a week? Or can I just minimize it to four days and I go for 30 minutes instead of a full hour? So subtract that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Can I add on somebody to help me make meals? Let me ask my parents to help us make a meal once a week. You, your mom, make me a meal. Can we add on prayer time every single morning, where every day I get up and I read my Bible, because that has to be what fills me and what aligns me. But it all comes down to me saying, I can do this. I can manage my, my, my marriage, I can manage my children by adding and subtracting things to my life. But I have to have a perspective of victory, not of defeat. I have to have a perspective of I can manage this, not. This is managing me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I need to rise up as a woman of God and step into my role as a wife and say, I can do this and not let it conquer me, but I conquer it. And I think that if you choose to overly prioritize the children and it starts to harm your marriage, it might just question what the motive is then. Are you doing it out of fear? Are you doing it out of worry?

Christopher Muiña:
Out of guilt? Sometimes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And sometimes, you know, it is easier to manage the kids than it is to manage our husbands.

Christopher Muiña:
Oh, yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So it's easier just to slip into the motherhood cave and to let our husbands do whatever. But that's not conquering the marriage. That's not rising up and getting a hold of what things need, what needs to happen.

Christopher Muiña:
And I remember. Let me interrupt you real quick. I remember maybe Gianna was like one and a half or two years old and Gianna's all mine.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, she is like your girl.

Christopher Muiña:
My girl. And I'm her favorite. Okay, but. And you have Matthew. You get Matthew.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Lately though, we've. Me and G are like, yeah, we're chilling.

Christopher Muiña:
But I remember you and I were kind of like. I know, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
And this kind of came up a little bit. And I told you straight out. I was like, steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do. I know she loves on me all the time. Like, she thinks I'm a superhero. Like she thinks I am the best.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I remember this.

Christopher Muiña:
So I'm gonna be drawn to that. Like she's my little girl.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
I'm gonna want to give her everything, you know?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes. And because I was thinking, you treat Gia better than you treat me.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah. Yeah. That's what it all came out of. And I was like, yeah, right now, currently. Because we weren't great right now. Yeah. Because look. Look how she treats me.

Christopher Muiña:
I remember this, you know, and it was totally wrong. Like, that's not like the way it should be.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. Cause Matthew treats me better than you treat me. He serves me coffee in the morning. He cuddles with me all morning.

Christopher Muiña:
But the point is, is that it could be easy. It could be easy to put our attention on our kids because they are easier to manage than our spouse. Because you are a lot more complicated than a two year old, you know, who's going to just do everything I tell her to do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
You're not going to do anything I tell you to do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Christopher Muiña:
But the point is, like, it's got to be you and me and we have to figure out how to how to manage each other and how to not managing it. How to.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No. Manage the marriage.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, manage the marriage. And it's going to be more complicated.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, but. And sometimes it is a management. Once a week we have to go. We at least have to have, like, you and me time. If it's not a date night, then at least we're just having a morning together or a walk together. Like, sometimes even a drive together is nice. And we just get to listen to music and we're laughing and then listening

Christopher Muiña:
to, like, baby shark or something.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I know. Geez Louise. But that. You're absolutely right. Like, we. We just cut. When we're overwhelmed, we run to the things that are just easier to manage instead of actually fixing the problem and that.

Christopher Muiña:
Easier to manage. Quote, unquote. You can fill in the blank that could be. Maybe that's going to the gym for the guy because that's his. Just he puts his headphones on and he loves to manage his. Manage his fitness or for the girl, shopping or work all day or like, whatever listener can fill in that blank. Yeah, but you can't let that run wild because your spouse should be the priority.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I think, to answer your question directly, do kids hinder the marriage? It will if you allow it to. And it could strengthen the marriage if you allow it to. That's why I'm saying women don't be such victims to life. Like, get a hold of it. Step up. Don't. Don't be a wounded bird. Declare over your home.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I am the queen of this home. I'm stepping up, and I'm going to manage. And I'm calling my mom. I'm calling the babysitter, and we're going to get help. We're going to get help with the kids because you and I need to go on a date. And it. It. Your husband will respond to that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And you know what else? The kids will reflect your. Your dysfunction. They will. If you and I are in a weird place, Gia has the worst attitude. And then the second you and I are, like, on the same page, they are the sweetest children. They feel the safety, they feel the security. So, yeah, like, if you want to, you will bless the kids the most by loving each other first.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And it's all. It all comes down to perspective. It all comes down to how you see yourself as a mom.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah. Putting them first and you second is actually hurting them down the line.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You know, it is. This was a wonderful conversation. I think this was one of our best.

Christopher Muiña:
At least let's see.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, for us it'll be if everybody else doesn't like it, then sorry. Well, thank you for tuning in to the Aless the family business. Let me see it again. Well, thank you for tuning in to the family business with the Alessis. We hope that this blessed you. We hope this conversation encouraged you and gave you some wisdom for your family and for your marriage and for your day. Be blessed today and tune back in for more podcasts. Go Explore on our YouTube page all of our old podcasts because they're really, really good and check back in for more.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We love you. Have a good one. Thanks so much for joining the family business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe. Share it with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.