I am a family man with 7 children, six daughters and one son. I am a retired Police Officer who was run over on duty and ultimately retired from the injuries. The injuries caused me to endure numerous knee surgeries and constant rehabilitation. To deal with the pain, I was prescribed Opioids. After months and months of therapy, the department and doctors made the determination that my injuries would prevent me from doing the job effectively and could place others at risk. It was decided that I would be medically retired from the department.

For the next few years, I struggled with being retired. The day after turning in my equipment, I felt ostracized and not a part of the brotherhood. I honestly felt like I lost my support team. I had not access to the building, I could not walk in and see my partners. They were busy and I felt they had forgotten about me. This was a huge blow to my ego. One day you’re chasing bad guys and the next you’re picking up your kid’s toys. It was a difficult transition. It was at this time, that my addiction took control of my emotions and I began to spin out of control, and I proceeded to self-medicate myself. During the height of my addiction, I went through a very difficult divorce. I lost time with my children and made poor decisions costing me my children’s trust.

The Pills Tricked Me.
My willpower to stop using the pills failed and failed and failed. As many times as I tried to stop, I just didn’t have the power. I even went to the extreme of selling my pills to “a friend” and the friend would then sale them to his suppliers and give me a cut of the sales. I believed that this helped cut down my pill intake. In reality, it only made me a drug dealer!

As most of you know, the detox process is ugly. The symptoms began with a runny nose. The kind of runny nose you get after being pepper sprayed. Where your boogers extend from your nose to the floor. Then the belly cramps came in from left field and hit me crippling me over in excruciating pain. They are the kind that come from being kicked in the privates. The pain felt like my intestines wanted to pop out of my belly button but couldn’t because I was holding my stomach so tight to prevent that from happening. The pain from the stomach created a feeling of crippling anxiety causing hot and cold beads of sweat to ooze from my pours. The sweats created a strange phenomenon. I was unsure if I was hot or cold or in pain. The vomiting mixed with the diarrhea did not help at all. Diarrhea coming out is always warm, but turned cold as it dripped down my legs. The violent expenditures coming from both ends created violent heaving throw up, but nothing would come out. I dry heaved for hours and hours. My body aches were controlled by the cold shower water and the shaking was offset by the warm water. At times, I was breathing so hard that I felt my heart was going to become a projectile spewing out of my mouth. Sorry I was so descriptive, but this is real. This is what happens when you detox from opioids and it is one of the reasons, I will never use them again. Ever!

There are personal parts of my detox that I will leave out and share at a different time. I love talking about it in the right setting.

My detox lasted 7 days. At no time, did I have a visitor or help from the friends or family. I was alone (kinda). I had alienated most of my friends and was too embarrassed to share the process with my family. I walked the journey alone, but the detox set me up for the comeback.

For the first time in years, the need, want or desire to use opioids was gone. I did not want to use ever again. The process I went through prepared me for the battles that were in front of me. The one thing people do not understand is that addiction destroys everything. Well I allowed it to destroy everything. I let it get out of control and I lost my way in the process. I made the decisions to hurt those I loved. I wish I could blame the addiction or the disease or my broken moral compass but ultimately it was me and I had to own it. Ownership is the only way to recover from an addiction. 11 years later, no relapses, no excuses! Thanks for allowing me to post my strength and hope!

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