AI Is Rewiring How We Fall in Love: A Dating Coach's Warning | Ep 8

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Sex robots,

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dating apps,

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AI rewriting how humans fall in love.

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What happens to intimacy when the most attentive partner is no longer human?

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Welcome back to Super Confident AI. And today I have on Melissa Nanavati, Ted speaker and high performance dating coach.

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She's going to answer all of these questions and more.

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Buckle up, mother f*ckers

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Here we go.

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Melissa, welcome to Super Confident AI.

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I'm going to start off with a banger of a question.

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am absolutely terrified of a world where there are sex robots. Because let's be honest,

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most people are pretty bad at dating to begin with.

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You're a dating and a relationship coach. Tell me, what are your thoughts on sex robots?

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Sex robots are going to change the field even more than it already has been in the recent years.

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I think. Sex robots. There's obviously the dark side where it's going to make people even less excited to go out in the prospect of having to date and interact with another human.

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on the flip side, there is the possibility that it actually reduces sexual assault.

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Interesting. Go on. So with that, you know, you look at why this happens, right?

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There's a power dynamic where sexual assault occurs, where there's someone who is trying to overpower someone. There's also people who are trying to get their needs met who don't understand a healthy way to do it. Now you have sex robots, and that might actually be a solution to some of the sexual assault that we're seeing today. Oh, wow.

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I never thought about that from that perspective.

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Do you think sex robots is the downfall of like, the nuclear family, or do you think it has a potential to positively impact the same way like AI right now is forcing community? So in my personal opinion, I think it's probably going to be more on the side of downfall. But if we're trying to look at it from the positive, right, there's always positive and negative setting thing and everything is ultimately a tool.

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Same thing with AI. Like AI is also causing us to think less critically and actually have the part of our brain where we have decision making shrink, but only if you're using it incorrectly. The same thing with any tool. People said this also about spreadsheets that accountants were going to go away when spreadsheets came into existence, but they didn't.

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They changed and adapted, I think, and I hope that the result of sex robots will be the same. Okay.

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Before we go on to the next topic, I want you to introduce yourself a little bit. Specifically, I want you to tell us about the 100 dates that you actually had to go on before you met one of my close friends.

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Akshay ended up marrying him. Tell me about those 100 dates.

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So I didn't intend to go on over 101st dates before I met my person. If I could have met him on date one, I would have been thrilled. But the reality was I was looking for a very specific person. I was looking for someone who had very specific qualities that would make for a long term relationship.

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I also, when I started my dating journey, to really know who I was at the time, I was still drinking. I'm now seven years sober, and I had a lot of things I had to personally work through that I didn't know when I entered the dating process. I was struggling with people pleasing, alcohol abuse and just generally anxiety.

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But also I had very chronic anxious attachment. So through my own personal development journey, I started to get more clear about what exactly and who exactly I was looking for. And through that process that actually led me to a retreat called 40 Years of Zen. It's a five day neurofeedback retreat where you're literally hooked up to electrodes and in real time, you're hearing gongs when you're getting into an alpha brainwave, see, which is that kind of frequency where you're able to make new neural connections.

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And so working in that state, I was really working to address my anxiety. But beyond that, I ended up having a

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vision of my future husband, not what he would look like or what exactly our life would be like. But I knew there were palm trees and I knew what it would feel like. This vision was so real that it propelled me to break my lease, leave my home of 12 years where I'd gone on over 101st days and moved to Scottsdale, Arizona looking for my future husband.

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Now my friends and family obviously thought I'd lost my mind, and they thought I'd lost my mind even more when I chose your dear friend Akshay.

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So at the time that I met Akshay, he was training to attempt to be the first person to ski coast to coast across Antarctica, completely alone. So I knew when we started dating, this is what I was signing up for.

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And what better test of have you cleared your anxious attachment than to marry someone who was about to go away for four months?

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Wow. Did you ever see yourself marrying somebody, or did you ever see tire pulling in those visions? No. I never saw a vision of myself walking next to someone dragging tires in his training process. But I did see palm trees, and I saw that we would be traveling.

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I actually saw the exact scene from where we ended up going. This current house in Hawaii that he's a part owner in. So the exact view was something that had come into that vision.

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Interesting. So

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what was it that like clicked for you when you knew it was okay?

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And bigger question

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in 2026, do you still believe in love at first sight?

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And I did not have love at first sight. Okay. In fact, my hope was that it wasn't him, because when I first met him, I remember it was actually at his house. He had hosted a gathering, and the way we even met was I had told one of his friends that I was looking for a man, I was looking for my person, and that's the reason I was here.

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And so he introduced us and I ended up at a gathering. Actually, you were at that first gathering, and at the time, my husband still had stitches in his finger from having his finger removed after getting frostbite and was pointing at a map of Antarctica and was like, this is where I'm going. And I literally remember thinking, oh my gosh, I hope it's not him.

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And I was not prepared to be with someone who was going to be gone, who is going to have all this additional stress. I mean, we had to raise $1 million to send him there our first year of marriage. So this was not a journey I had intended to sign up for. But the point that I actually knew it was him was when we ended up on this hike together.

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He had been fasting for seven days, of course, as one does to a train for his mind and body for this expedition. And he had been training for about 17 hours that week we ended up on a hike. It was my first hike in Arizona, 102 degrees, and I didn't know that I had allergies to the desert, so my eyes ended up swelling shut so I could barely see.

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He doesn't remember 8% of our conversation because he had heat exhaustion and I was basically keeping him alive. But it was on this hike where we started going really deep, right? Because when you're both suffering that much, you shed all the masks of normal society. We ended up going super deep, talking about our values, the future that we wanted.

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And I had this moment where I thought, oh no, it's him. It wasn't. Oh yes it was. Oh no, it's him. Because I realized how deeply aligned we were in terms of values in the future that we wanted. And that was the moment on that hike when I was basically blind and he was half alive, that I realized, I think this was the person I'm looking for.

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So what you're saying is remove all the senses, trauma, bond the walls come down, and now you can find your person or at least have a better chance at finding your person. I wouldn't recommend this exact process to anyone else, but what I would say is when you're able to be really authentic about what you want and you're not dating from this place of need, but actually a place of want where you're really in the discernment and you're actually focusing on, okay, does this person have the qualities that I want versus do I have the qualities that make me a good partner?

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Right. Of course, you want to show up your best on these dates, but if you're focused entirely on impressing them, you're not going to be paying attention to the stories that they tell you. And so coming back to your

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question of does love at first sight exist in 2026? I think for some people it does. There are some people that I know that have beautiful love stories that have this moment, kismet moment of knowing.

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Right? And I think that that can happen. But I also think sometimes that feeling of this is my person can also be, like you said, a trauma response to a response to the familiar. So our brains love to connect dots and love to create a story even when we don't have all the information. So a lot of times when people say they have this love at first sight, I'm like, no, you have familiar at first sight.

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Because what you're recognizing in another person, that gut feeling is familiarity. Now, if that familiarity is good or bad is based on your previous dating experience, my gut feeling was probably pretty off based on my over 100 birthdays, so I really needed to focus on okay values and lifestyle values. And do those align? All the rest become preferences.

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So when you're really looking for your person, focusing on just 2 to 3 core values, and when it comes to who they are as a person and 2 to 3 lifestyle values is how you find someone that's really aligned for the long term.

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had one of those lessons recently that took the wind out of my sales for a couple of weeks.

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Question. Because you have a neuroscience

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background, what actually goes

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on in the brain when one human connects with another? So there's three neurochemicals that fire that essentially activate when you are feeling really connected to someone. The first is dopamine, which a lot of us are familiar with. But this is a reward system of your brain. And so dopamine is activated through novelty, through competition and through playfulness.

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So if you're thinking about how do I create the conditions to create that on a date, having a novel experience, doing something you both haven't done before, versus just sitting down for a meal is a really key way to activate dopamine. The second is serotonin. So this is the mood stabilizer that feel good hormone or neurochemical, if you will.

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And what serotonin does is it creates that kind of like joy that you experience when you're on a walk with someone. And you can activate this through having positive social experiences, as well as doing things like being in sunlight and going for a walk with someone. Great way to activate serotonin. And the third one is oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone or neurochemical.

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And this is activated through touch, through eye contact, through having these moments of shared joy. So when you have all three of these present, you're feeling deeply connected to someone. Now that can happen like your experience instantaneously. It can also happen through action.

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Interesting. Do you think dating apps are detracting from things like dopamine? Serotonin? Do you think that they have a negative effect on like the chemical balances?

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What's your thought process on that? So I think what is happening not just with dating apps, but with applications in general social media apps is we're getting cheap hits of dopamine, so we have less incentive to work harder to get real dopamine or healthy dopamine, something that's sustainable. So the problem with a lot of these apps is that we're getting these cheap dopamine hits, and then it's actually quelling our need to go on that hunt to go on that pursuit to find a partner.

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So I think that there is good and bad. But ultimately dating apps are just a tool. So if you're using them as a tool and your goal is not to stay on them, but to get off them as quickly as possible and meet someone in person, you can learn about that person very quickly. So I don't think dating apps are inherently evil, just like AI is an inherently evil.

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But it's about your use case and being really vigilant about how you're using these applications. Because if you aren't, you see what's happening right now, right? The paradox of choice and all these people that are just not actually meeting in person because they feel like they're making an effort because they're swiping on an app. So the goal is to get off the app as quickly as possible and in person.

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I agree with that. I actually have a rule where, like, I will not go more than 5 to 6 messages back and forth before I ask for a phone number. One of the things I find interesting, and this comes back to abundance of choice, is I can get ten phone numbers, but maybe only one will actually turn into a real date.

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The other 8 or 9 will either go ghost will, you know, go back to the app, whatever it may be. So

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what is your thought process on that in-between stage of you get a phone number, you're having a good conversation with somebody and getting them to the actual date, because there's such a huge space in between. And I know a lot of men out there probably right now are like, I have experienced this and women to so many times.

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But what I find fascinating is

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and I recently did this with a friend, we compared our dating profiles and she has like 300 plus, you know, men waiting in her dating apps. And I'm over here with like my little 50 and I'm like, whoa. There is a massive disparity right now of abundance of choice between men and women.

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Talk to me about that. Absolutely. There's a huge disparity. And that was even the case when I was on dating apps, and I used every app under the sun. Ultimately, I met through in person. I always encourage people to put themselves in new environments as well, but when it comes to the apps, there is a disparity. Women have infinitely more matches, infinitely more messages, and it's just the nature of using these applications.

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So if you're able to set aside frustration with that, that's the first thing. And I coach a lot of men and I love working with men because they are oftentimes in the driver's seat and they're asked to be in the driver's seat. So you actually, if you can view it as having more control over your destiny, that's the best view.

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But then beyond that, to your point of not letting it go more than a few messages before scheduling a date. And what I always encourage is an additional step that you may or may not do, which is to actually get on a quick phone call only for the purpose of organizing the date. So take a ten minute phone call and say, hey, can I call you real quick and let's find a time that works for both of us.

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Now most people will say no, and those people are not serious enough to actually go on a date with. So probably my guess would be that maybe one out of the ten that agreed to go on the date from that phone number, she would have been willing to get on the phone. I completely agree with you, actually, and I will even sometimes take it one step further.

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Well, I will say let's get on a FaceTime. Let's actually like get on a video call, even if it's for five minutes something.

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And that in-person connection is so key. And now we are so afraid of using the phone, picking up the phone, everything's texting. But the problem with this is that our brains are story making machines. So you're going to fill in the blanks about who that person is and create this whole romance in your head before you've ever actually had a phone call or meet a person.

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And that's the real risk with the online dating is if you don't have a very vigilant practice of getting on the phone or getting in person as quickly as possible.

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Okay, so I want to get into something very controversial. But before I

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do, what is a way for somebody to meet other people outside of dating apps like what are your suggestions right now around meeting other people?

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A couple of things. So when it comes to meeting people in person, the number one thing that I recommend is think about what are your values and what sort of events would people have similar values? So if you're very health conscious, join a run club, a hiking club, gym, a high end gym, right? And so getting environments where there's a certain barrier to entry, we'll also get you a higher caliber person if that's what you're looking for.

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Also someone who's value aligned. And then once you're actually at the event, making a point to be the person to approach, make it a goal to get three phone numbers before you leave. I actually went through a process of this myself, when I was really scared to approach people. Back when I was dating, I made a rule that I could not leave the gym unless I talked to at least three people.

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Now, on one of these occasions, I ended up having to ask a man to take his AirPods out, to be able to ask him how to use a bench. I didn't have a question planned highly not recommended. But the part I do recommend to people is that they have a certain intentionality. So when you go to an event, make a point to approach.

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Get a phone number even if it's someone you're not attracted to. The skill of connection is so important to practice, and that is one of the main things that we've lost today. So when it comes to meeting in person, beyond gym physical events like go to business events, business conferences, those are great places to meet. Like my people, especially as an entrepreneur like yourself.

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Oh, I will say, I was at a business event with Tyler just like a week ago, and I have never gotten stared at by so many beautiful women in one room than at this event where I was like, I'm not here for numbers. I'm here to find investors and do business. Like, please don't look at me right now.

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I have things to do. But it was like you said, like go to something of like interest and you will actually have opportunities almost endlessly.

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Absolutely. And most people aren't. So just getting yourself in a new environment. And the way to operationalize this, especially because we're all busy. And one of the biggest complaints I hear is updating, takes so much time.

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It's such a big effort. I'm not getting the reward time blog two hours a week, every single week. Get yourself in at least one new environment in person, or spend that time on an app and actually message people, not just scrolling message, right? So make a goal like you would anything else and operationalize it, because it's when you can take the systems based approach and actually invest the time needed, they are going to get results.

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The math adds up. The more time you invest, the more likelihood you have to actually meet your person.

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Well, and you know, I want to add on that, that I actually think nowadays people don't use their time wisely because we all have the same 24 hours. And you have a guy like Elon Musk who's running like six different companies at this point, and you're telling me you don't have the ten or the 20 minutes to text back to somebody that you say you're prioritizing it, something isn't lining up.

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Can you help me with that? Yeah. Most people actually think that they are highly committed to a goal, but a goal in your mind that you're not taking action towards is not actually commitment. And that's where there's a lot of confusion,

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as people say, oh, but I want to partner or I'll just let it happen when it happens.

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My least favorite phrase I'll let it happen when it happens. I hate that and that attitude you would not have about anything else. There's no sales goal. There's no health goal that you would say, oh, I'll lose that weight when it happens, says no one that actually achieves their goal. So when you complain, apply the same mindset that you do to any other goal to your dating life.

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That's when you're going to get results. And so it's about actually putting the time on the calendar, creating space before it happens. And that's how you actually allow for those moments of serendipity is through action. So action is your mechanism to get the thing that you want. You can say it'll happen when it happens, but if you go to the same grocery store, you do the same routine every single day, and you spend hours every night doom scrolling, instead of getting on a dating app and actually setting up a date, you're not going to meet your person.

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I agree, I was actually talking to a girl about this recently at how it's the bar has never been lower. Yes, it has never been easier, but inversely, that almost makes it more difficult because you have to be more discerning of if you're what you would consider the 1% man, you have to be looking for the 1% woman and vice versa.

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So do you feel like it's

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harder nowadays? Easier nowadays? What's your opinion? I think it's actually easier. So I think that the bar is so low that it doesn't take much to do more than what most people are doing, especially when speaking to men. Like if you are on point, if you're on time, if you're dressed well, if you show up, if you prepare a few questions in advance, actually ask intentional questions to help elicit someone's values, you are going to stand out.

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And so for the men that are frustrated on the dating apps, all you have to do is 5% more than what you're doing and a little bit of intentionality. But when you are flying by the seat of your pants, if you're showing up to a date late, if you are showing up to a date without any questions, an idea of where you want the conversation to go, you're not going to have an interesting date because your goal is just to be interesting.

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It's to spark interesting conversation because that's how you get that dopamine response is by having a novel question. So one of my favorite first date questions is to ask someone who do you admire and why? I recently shared this on TikTok and got quite a bit of backlash, which was interesting that people didn't have people they admired. But it doesn't mean you have to want to be that person.

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But like you mentioned, Elon, I'm sure there's some elements of how Elon runs his day that you admire. So being able to identify who is someone you admire and the reasons why. And those are usually that person's values.

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And so these are interesting ways to actually find out in the same thing for the woman you're sitting across from, who do they admire and why?

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And how would you like to spend a weekend if you was totally free? You'll start to understand what they value, what they prioritize, and from there you can decide, okay, is this someone I want to go on a second date with? You don't have to decide you want to marry them on the first date, but you do need to know if there's enough information to see if there's enough of your value alignment.

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If it's worth investing time on another date. The reason people get so frustrated is they go on 6 or 7 dates with someone and they barely had a real conversation. They've been just focusing purely on fun, but not actually understanding if there's alignment and then they feel they waste their time.

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So it's

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this unwillingness to have some of those deeper conversations and also unfamiliarity with how to ask it in an interesting way.

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If you ask someone, what are your values? They're going to say the most aspirational things you've ever heard. Everyone is going to say they're ambitious, driven, focused, whatever these things may be. But if you ask about who they admire, for example, this is a way to find out what they actually value.

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I like that as a man, I've realized you have to curate an experience that elicits certain responses where you can either overtly or covertly understand exactly what this person, what their intentions are, what they want.

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And you don't always want to be overt because like you said, you don't get a natural reaction, a natural response. You may get something that's from their end, fake, curated, whatever you want to call

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it. And that's exactly why you also need to ask questions that create the opportunity for someone to tell you stories about themselves, because their stories will tell you more who they are than who they say they are.

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Oh, I agree with that. Okay, I want to switch gears and talk a little bit about AI, specifically around texting and dating, because there's this

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crazy what I'm going to call fad right now that's been going around. Men and women alike are using AI to create. They call it like a rise app, where basically optimized profile, better conversations, mostly better texting to be more emotional and be more like, I almost want to say sexualized or dramatized.

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Dramatized in the sense that, like, you elicit a better response from the other person. Give me your take on this. So I think those tools can be a great starting point for you to understand how to ask better questions. Most people were never taught how to date, how to ask interesting questions. So I think there's a beautiful use case of AI where it can give you a starting foundation.

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But this is where critical thought and being able to think for yourself is really important. Because when you get in person, if you're texting does not match who you are in person, someone is going to feel that dissonance. It's very, very hard to fake when you're in person. So I think the use of that to some degree is helpful.

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It gives something to as a starting base of like, how do you flirt? How do you elicit like a fun, playful conversation? How do you start to have more interesting conversations? So I don't think it's bad from that use case, but when you become dependent on it, just like anything else, it becomes a crutch. That's when you're in trouble,

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I agree.

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What are some other skills that AI with respect to dating specifically is a negative. So a big one is what I like to call relational courage. Interesting. So there's really four types of relational courage. First is the courage to ask for what you want. Second is the courage to ask what the other person wants. Third is the courage to be vulnerable, to share your internal world.

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And the fourth is the courage to bring up issues to be addressed. Now, if you think about hearing about those four, right, which one naturally feels most uncomfortable to you, that's the one to practice. So the problem with AI specifically is that it's made it very easy to ask for what you want when there's nothing at stake. AI is designed to be a yes, ma'am.

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So if you are not discerning, it gets very easy to ask for what you want. But then you go to a person you maybe can barely order what you want from a barista at a coffee shop because you're nervous of the response. So I think it has been a huge detriment to our relational coverage. I think now we are even more scared to say what we really want to another person, where you don't even think to ask what they want because it's created a very selfish dynamic that can be very problematic.

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But like anything else, these skills can be learned in practice. So you can practice a skill like relational courage, like, say, asking for what you want with someone where there's lesser stakes like a good friend or a family member. And so you can still practice all these skills. But the reality is that skills of courage in your work don't translate to your personal life.

00:23:39:23 - 00:23:59:00

And I found this in working with 8 or 9 figure entrepreneurs that they can be so courageous in a boardroom asking for investors, but then they're asking their partner for a back massage that day, and they're petrified and they don't want to write. And the reason for that is skills or domain specific temperament, like your general way of being is not.

00:23:59:00 - 00:24:05:16

But skills are. So the only way to build skills of relational courage is to actually practice it with another human.

00:24:05:18 - 00:24:14:01

Yeah. You just you got to go for it. At the end of the day you have to. And using that that fear is your compass, right. So you know that you are somebody who tends to be maybe more people pleasing.

00:24:14:02 - 00:24:36:05

Okay. So ask for something small and incrementally build up the courage to do so. Same thing with vulnerability. So share something low stakes something mid stakes, something high stakes. But really focusing on building that muscle like anything else. And it's going to feel scary the first time you do it. Anything you do in relationship always feels super high stakes because at a biological level, we are afraid of rejection and rejection.

00:24:36:05 - 00:24:48:15

When you think about it from biology standpoint can equal death back in like the cave mandates, right? If you are kicked out of society, you don't survive. So that's why it feels so high stakes when we're asking for things from another person

00:24:48:17 - 00:25:02:19

that makes so much sense. Do you think technology and AI is? And I know we talked about this with sex robots, but on an average, do you think it's reducing physical intimacy from human to human and long term?

00:25:02:19 - 00:25:04:11

What does that look like for our society.

00:25:04:16 - 00:25:23:00

So this is a huge issue because you cannot get the same oxytocin release, more activation through AI that you can with another human. Literally skin to skin contact is like one of the fastest ways to release oxytocin, which creates that sense of bonding. So I think that it's a huge detriment to what our baseline is, right?

00:25:23:01 - 00:25:41:15

We're getting our dopamine levels are higher, right? So we're getting more dopamine from the yeses from the validation from a robot. But we are not getting that feeling of connectedness. So that's why you're seeing also this huge rise in loneliness, in this loneliness epidemic is because we're feeling more disconnected. I think AI is very dangerous in that regard.

00:25:41:15 - 00:25:43:22

But again, like anything else, it's how you use it

00:25:43:23 - 00:25:47:06

for sure. Okay, so inversely, could sex

00:25:47:10 - 00:26:04:08

robots be something that people use to increase their own personal output of hormones, of oxytocin, things like that? I mean, certainly, I think probably to some degree. But the reality is that you're never going to get the same experience of connection that you would from another human.

00:26:04:09 - 00:26:14:03

It's not. It's just not replicable. I agree, and I think actually the increase of use of AI, or even things like sex robots are going to make people feel that gap in many ways even more.

00:26:14:05 - 00:26:23:23

Okay, so we've talked about the downsides. Now, one thing most people don't know about you is you're very good at structuring ways to make relationships work.

00:26:23:23 - 00:26:27:03

Well. Very organized. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

00:26:27:08 - 00:26:35:21

what are some ways people can use AI to their advantage in a relationship, to structure, to organize, to reduce friction points, fighting things like that.

00:26:35:23 - 00:26:45:20

So one of the biggest ways you can use AI productively in your relationship is to take in information that you know about your partner or the person you're dating and use it for creativity.

00:26:45:21 - 00:27:05:02

Come up with creative data ideas as you're learning about someone in the dating process, or whether you've been together for many years. And I've seen entrepreneurs that have been together for 15 years use it in this way of coming up with creative gift ideas, creative date ideas. So interesting from that standpoint. But not to replace something is a beautiful use case of AI.

00:27:05:03 - 00:27:22:14

Same thing with those questions. Now I have created a list of 30 questions that I actually. I'll send you the links. You can include it in the show notes please. Freebie for anyone for how to ask these interesting questions on first dates. But this is also a great way to ideate and come up with better questions. So say hey, here are my three core values.

00:27:22:14 - 00:27:29:00

I want to learn about someone and if they have these values, what are some interesting ways that I could ask these questions?

00:27:29:02 - 00:27:40:04

Wow. Okay, so there's some beautiful use cases. And the other way that I've seen this used really well, especially for couples, have been together for a long time, is giving them creative data, ideas and specifically questions to ask each other on that date.

00:27:40:05 - 00:27:55:21

Because as you've been together for a long period of time, there's this assumption that you know the person, if you're able to treat them with a certain level of curiosity, and sometimes it's hard to come up with those questions. So that's why, like dating decks and those like relationship decks where you can ask each other interesting questions exist, but you can also do that with AI.

00:27:55:23 - 00:28:03:16

Those are a hit nowadays. Actually. I see them advertised all over them. Why does that not? So why does that not surprise

00:28:03:18 - 00:28:07:14

but also to answer your question more about the structure piece

00:28:07:15 - 00:28:20:09

scheduling novel experiences together, that is also one really key way. And that's not so much an AI thing, but it's a calendaring. So say monthly, or have AI come up with maybe what the most optimal schedule is for the two of you.

00:28:20:10 - 00:28:23:04

Put both your schedule in and then trade off planning

00:28:23:06 - 00:28:27:06

I also like the idea of using AI as like a travel companion,

00:28:27:06 - 00:28:37:07

because I've dated a lot of women, that there's this expectation that the man's going to plan out everything. And there are sometimes where I'm just like, I don't want to plan this thing today.

00:28:37:12 - 00:28:55:15

Where can I where can I use this to my advantage? Yes, that's a great use case. And we even did that. So actually and I recently went to Greece and we had AI help us pick which town or city within Santorini to stay in. So the popular ones were like air and fire, but we ended up in Emerald.

00:28:55:17 - 00:29:11:00

I probably just mispronounced that, but the a smaller town that was right in between, which we wouldn't have known about except for AI. So you can use it to plan like these beautiful romantic excursions with someone, which gives you a huge dump of dopamine and oxytocin. And so that is a beautiful use case for AI.

00:29:11:02 - 00:29:12:20

See, everybody's using it for something.

00:29:12:21 - 00:29:14:03

Exactly. Okay,

00:29:14:05 - 00:29:39:06

so you're a coach for serial entrepreneurs when it comes to dating, what is the number one problem or the number one thing that comes up in all of these relationships? So I would say that it's almost that there's like three buckets that all relational friction originates from. So all romantic friction really falls into three buckets, which is unseen efforts, unmet needs or unresolved issues.

00:29:39:08 - 00:30:03:17

Even working with eight nine figure entrepreneurs, that's universally true, and the same applies for everyone. You can pretty much categorize every single relationship problem you have into one of those three buckets. And so when you can start to identify which bucket it falls into, you can actually start to develop a solution. So for say unmet needs this is where you need to practice that relational courage and identify what is one small thing you can ask your partner for.

00:30:03:18 - 00:30:30:18

That would start to move the needle. And what I've discovered in working with couples who've been together for many years, is that really what helps them is these small little love deposits is like, I like to call them. So you're depositing in that love bank and you're building that up. So then when you ask for bigger things, you both are coming from a place of having at least your baseline needs met, and it's received with more openness, because if you're trying to ask someone for something and you haven't done anything for them in a while or they don't feel poured into, you're not going to be heard.

00:30:30:19 - 00:30:46:10

So it's really about creating like a layer of foundation in terms of meeting your own needs, meeting their needs. And then when you are making those efforts, acknowledging it, you know, it's very easy to say, I didn't notice it. You put away the dishes this week, but if you're like, hey, this is something I did because you asked, great.

00:30:46:10 - 00:30:56:02

That's in a moment to affirm and acknowledge your partner of something that they did. So really making sure to that you're someone when they're making an effort to meet the needs that you've described.

00:30:56:07 - 00:31:10:20

Acknowledgment is so underrated with respect. And and I find that you know the opposite of that. In my last relationship, I tried to stay away from text fighting as much as possible, which never over text message.

00:31:10:22 - 00:31:20:02

It's crazy because I see it all the time nowadays that people no longer want to have the conflict or the tough conversation in person. They want to have it over text,

00:31:20:04 - 00:31:33:18

and that is one of the things I recommend against. And there's a couple reasons for that. The first reason that you always want to have it in person is because you can do something like placing your hand on your partner's hand while you're having the conversation, which releases oxytocin reminds you on the same.

00:31:33:18 - 00:31:50:21

You're on the same team, but when you're not even face to face with them, it's very easy for your brain to create a story that they're an adversary and not your partner, so being able to approach it as a team is really key, and you really cannot do that when you're having these disagreements or hard conversations over text or even over the phone.

00:31:50:23 - 00:32:14:22

I completely agree with you. And I'll even say that I was at fault for not being the touchy person in previous relationships when fighting or when like being combative. I'm like the guy that wants to sit ten feet away from you and have the business conversation. Absolutely. And from a biological standpoint, what's happening to especially if you're ever having those conversations standing is it's very easy to be in fight or flight.

00:32:14:22 - 00:32:34:03

When you're standing. It's very difficult to have that same kind of posture when you're seated next to the person, you have a hand on their leg, or you're touching hands for the conversation because it just calms your nervous system. So at a baseline, like being regulated to have those conversations, even if you're able to sitting ten feet away like a businessman, be regulated, the other person is not.

00:32:34:04 - 00:32:41:00

So it's not always about am I regulated? It's like, am I doing everything in my power to make sure we're both in a regulated state to have the conversation?

00:32:41:00 - 00:32:59:04

That's well said. What would you you know, I want to take this now to the you know, what we just talked about, which is for businessmen that are so used to being in a boardroom, like being combative, knowing that they need to be upfront about issues, but they may not be necessarily emotionally connected.

00:32:59:05 - 00:33:23:11

What are some ways that and I know you work with these kind of men all the time. Where do you coach them to be slightly different when it comes to their significant other and their personal relationship? So I actually encourage you to still treat it like you would a business negotiation. It's still about making things a win win, because it's interesting to watch a lot of these men be able to have really articulate like debates, discussions at work and then come home and then lose it.

00:33:23:12 - 00:33:39:21

And so the number one thing is I say you have to model the behavior that you want to see. So you have to take the emotional leadership, especially in these hard conversations, and be calm even when the other person isn't calm. And so that is one of the key pieces. So there's actually a framework that I teach. It's called the Brave Framework.

00:33:39:21 - 00:33:55:23

And it's five steps. So B stands for begin with it. It's making sure that you're in a regulated state. And you also know the goal that you have with the hard conversation. We often go into these hard conversations saying I just want to get to resolution. Okay, well is it that you want a behavior change? Is it that you want to feel more connected?

00:33:56:00 - 00:34:11:16

Like what specifically do you want as an end goal and have that in mind, just like you would a business negotiation and then think through what is the win win scenario? So when you approach that conversation, you're like, this is how this is going to work really well for both of us. This is all coming back to also negotiation fundamentals.

00:34:11:16 - 00:34:30:12

But so B stands for begin within RR. Rather is request a time to talk. So this is really important is you would never just surprise someone with a negotiation at work. Same thing at home. So if you're coming in hot you're ready to have the conversation. That person is not prepared. So they're immediately going to be on the defensive.

00:34:30:12 - 00:34:51:23

So our stands for requested time. And that's really key to be able to find a time where both of you can have the conversation. And when you say that, don't say we need to talk. But the the dreaded words, it's like, hey, there's something small I'd like to discuss wins a good time. The reason you say it's something small is because that immediately takes the person off the defensive, and if you make it smaller, it is small.

00:34:51:23 - 00:35:12:03

And then A stands for ask and a firm. So really beginning with that affirmation, getting super clear on, you know, hey, we're on the same team. This is the end goal. And then making the request of what is the ask that you actually have for them and saying, I would love if we could both co-create a plan for what the weekend looks like instead of us just doing our separate thing.

00:35:12:03 - 00:35:36:14

So whatever that request is, and then B is view and validate. And this is the most missed step in any hard conversation. You have to ask what their experience or what their lens of reality is and then validate it. Sometimes that even means apologizing, and apologizing does not mean you are wrong. Validation is not agreement. Validation is simply the process of making sure that they feel felt, seen and heard.

00:35:36:16 - 00:35:58:20

So that is super critical. And that is one of the biggest steps that I see, especially men tend to miss is the validation piece. So validating their emotional experience, even if you were intent wasn't bad, is so critical. And then ease and with action. So you begin within. You request the time to talk. You ask and affirm, you view and validate and you end with action, meaning, hey, this is what we're both going to do differently and get an agreement and make it concrete.

00:35:59:02 - 00:36:08:07

That is how you get through a negotiation with your partner. And that is also a link I'll give you to include in your notes. I've got that framework and exact scripts that anybody can download.

00:36:08:08 - 00:36:17:00

I love all of that and probably not produce from. I probably produce straight from Melissa's brain, and I have to give my husband some credit on this one too.

00:36:17:00 - 00:36:43:06

But this is a framework that we co-created, and we also looked at what was existing out there about how to navigate hard conversations. And the biggest issue that we have is there's nothing about getting regulated before you have the conversation and then also turning it into action. So the biggest problem is you can have this discussion of, hey, this is what will do different, but unless you put it in your calendar, you make time for it, you operationalize it, it's not going to happen, and then you end up having that same hard conversation three, 4 or 5 times.

00:36:43:08 - 00:37:05:02

Oh, and there's nothing worse than having that conversation the moment you or your significant other walks in the door and one of you is dysregulated, and then the other one becomes dysregulated, and then it turns into one giant shitshow. And that's so normal, though, because we're not taught a different way. And so if you can hold yourself to a higher standard, just like you would at work, you're not going to yell at an employee, or at least I hope you won't, and you're not going to yell at your business partner.

00:37:05:03 - 00:37:26:08

Same thing with your partner. It's like for some reason, we we think that the rules don't apply to our partner, but they should apply even more because this is the person that has the best interest for you at heart. Like they're not trying to be combative, they're not trying to hurt you. So if there's one piece of advice that I can give any high performing man, it's this and it's that there are two lenses of reality, yours and your partners.

00:37:26:08 - 00:37:44:16

And your goal is to bridge those lens of reality. So when you do not feel that there are feelings make sense or their beliefs are correct, your whole goal is still just to recognize that. Is it acceptable and is it okay to have a different perspective? And if you can honor that someone has a different perspective. You can also lead with more compassion.

00:37:44:18 - 00:37:46:02

Yeah I love that.

00:37:46:04 - 00:38:06:09

Okay. Where do you see the world in ten years with respect to dating? I think that we're actually going to see a resurgence of more in person, and we already are. Even apps like Bumble now are hosting in-person opportunities to meet people because although like AI and everything is on the rise. There's an even deeper desire for human to human connection.

00:38:06:09 - 00:38:25:02

So I actually think we're going to see more in-person meetings, more blind dates, more data is speed dating than we ever have before, because all of this means that everyone's going to have a curated profile. And so it's going to be very hard to discern based on a profile if you even want to meet them. So the fastest way to understand the other person is just to get in the same room with them.

00:38:25:07 - 00:38:28:11

I see that all the time from people online right now, talking about the

00:38:28:14 - 00:38:43:12

fact that women feel like and survey studies, women feel like they're being approached less today than they ever have been, and they desire it more now than they ever have been. So I agree with you. I feel like we are moving in that direction of community.

00:38:43:14 - 00:38:53:09

You know, growth in person, relation, growth. I love this because to me, that just tells me like, guys get off the dating apps, go approach women.

00:38:53:11 - 00:39:02:07

And I find it interesting because I don't like to shit where I eat. So like I, I actually.

00:39:02:08 - 00:39:12:20

It's tough, right? Because I go to the same gym, I go at the same time. I know everybody in the gym that goes at that same time. I'm almost thinking to myself right now, like, I need a second gym

00:39:12:22 - 00:39:17:04

just to go to to go talk to women. That's not my normal gym.

00:39:17:06 - 00:39:20:15

You want to know where you could drop into a class and immediately meet a ton of women?

00:39:20:16 - 00:39:25:00

A Pilates or spin spin. I wrote to

00:39:25:01 - 00:39:40:01

any of these environments because the women are going to respect the fact that you're there and you are going to have your pick a beautiful woman. And the reality is to be on encouraging men to be the ones to approach. I encourage women to approach. The only thing that's going to happen is you're going to make a man's day.

00:39:40:07 - 00:40:07:07

And I've said this so many times and I get a lot of pushback saying, oh, well, then if they're masculine, they'll approach me. And I think that is absolute nonsense, to say that men should have to be absolutely every stage of the dating process does not make sense, and it's not the way it's always been. I mean, even back in the days of like, you know, when there was like horse drawn carriages, like women would drop their handkerchief and men would then ask them out or ask them, you know, say, hey, you dropped your handkerchief.

00:40:07:07 - 00:40:22:23

So women have actually been initiating for a very long time, but we have this, like, really warped belief that we can't be the ones to initially approach. It's about having that give and take. And yes, you should still leave the dating process right? And that's what most women would appreciate. But women also need to take initiative to. Well,

00:40:22:23 - 00:40:26:17

and I would say at the at the bare minimum reciprocation like so.

00:40:26:17 - 00:40:47:06

My grandparents were married for 75 years and before they got married, my grandfather and my grandmother would pass each other in church. My grandfather would wink at my grandmother. And every single time, for almost three years, she would wink back. Yes, he ended up going to war and coming back, eventually taking her out on three dates and marrying her.

00:40:47:06 - 00:41:08:09

But my point is that the reciprocation was there from the very first moment, the very first introduction in I would love to see women, you know, and I talked to my friends about this. I talked to you about this more at least reciprocation from women of I'm interested or I'm not interested. Like on to the next one. Yeah, absolutely.

00:41:08:09 - 00:41:24:17

And they're definitely needs to be an element of reciprocation. I mean, even if you look at a relationship, you can't sustain a relationship where one person is just expressing interest all the time. That's not a relationship. And so women also need to take an active role in that process of being initiative. Also taking the initiative to say, hey, I really enjoyed that date.

00:41:24:17 - 00:41:40:03

I had a great date, I had a great time with you. And so not seeing that as inherently masculine or feminine, because we all possess masculine and feminine traits, and this idea that women means receiving only is a complete misunderstanding of what actually being

00:41:40:03 - 00:41:46:07

feminine is. And so part of femininity is also expressing interest, being expressive, being emotive.

00:41:46:07 - 00:41:49:17

And so to your point that reciprocation is absolutely critical because

00:41:49:19 - 00:41:50:22

there's actually a research done

00:41:51:00 - 00:41:55:15

and, you know, on average, how many times someone has to be looked at specifically men before they feel safe to

00:41:55:20 - 00:42:11:20

approach, oh, I have no idea what 17 times before most men will feel safe in approaching. So women are often I've literally seen this at events that I've spoken at where they'll look once, twice and be like, okay, they they knew now, now it's time to approach.

00:42:11:21 - 00:42:14:15

No, it actually takes 17 times.

00:42:14:17 - 00:42:31:04

Holy. I going back to this event a couple of weeks ago that I went to. I had the same woman look at me three times and I was in business mode. So I just was like, hey, I'm not here for that. Like, I appreciate that, but I can understand that now where maybe not 17.

00:42:31:04 - 00:42:50:17

I feel like that's like that, that, that if someone's uncertain. So you're very confident man. So three glances, probably enough for you to figure it out before an average person or an inexperienced person. It takes much more than that. That's why I feel safe, because we're so afraid of being rejected. So my biggest recommendation is

00:42:50:19 - 00:42:53:17

to practice getting rejected.

00:42:53:19 - 00:43:09:03

Ask for things that you don't think you're going to get. This is a great way to practice relational courage and to practice being courageous. Same thing for anyone listening. Make it a goal that the next place that you go, you're not leaving unless you get one phone number, at least asking for one phone number and make that the goal.

00:43:09:03 - 00:43:17:10

Because it's only through this repetition that you actually build the muscle. It's like anything else, like literally training in a gym. But think of this as your relational courage gym.

00:43:17:12 - 00:43:27:23

Fail forward, fail fast. I think you, I and all agree on that could not agree more. Okay, where can people find you? So you can find me online at Melissa Nanavati.

00:43:28:01 - 00:43:37:23

Same thing for Instagram at Melissa Body and on YouTube at Peak Performance. Love. Awesome. Okay. Give everybody one line, one piece of advice

00:43:38:01 - 00:43:40:17

straight from the horse's mouth.

00:43:40:19 - 00:43:56:03

My biggest piece of advice is to do something that you're afraid to do every single day. As it relates to relational courage, ask for something that you need. Ask how you could help a friend or family member and practice building those skills before the time actually matters.

00:43:56:05 - 00:43:58:09

Amazing. Thanks, Melissa.

00:43:58:10 - 00:43:59:07

It's a pleasure.