Finding Joy in Authenticity

0:00 [SPEAKER_00]: We all have that one friend, the one who says exactly what's on their mind, no matter what, and that's Sheedle Mars. [SPEAKER_02]: That's right, every week my friends and I dive into whatever's on my mind, sports, politics, pop culture, even my own struggles, you name it. [SPEAKER_02]: If I'm thinking about it, we're talking about it. [SPEAKER_00]: Unfiltered, unapologetic, and just a little dangerous. [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome, welcome to another episode of Sheet the weapon. [SPEAKER_02]: You thought I would, unfortunately, I hope I'm here with Eric Smith.

0:43 [SPEAKER_02]: I am lethal, sheetle, and why lethal, sheetle, because the joke doesn't work unless you say my name right. [SPEAKER_02]: This is a show. [SPEAKER_02]: And I, I keep being told that I need to explain what the show has. [SPEAKER_02]: I've been no shortage of 10 times in the last month. [SPEAKER_02]: What is my show about? [SPEAKER_02]: And I said, [SPEAKER_02]: me talk theorizing myself, just getting out what's in my head. [SPEAKER_02]: So then I'm lifting what's in my head on other people. [SPEAKER_02]: But you are ready to be assaulted the sound of my voice. [SPEAKER_02]: And I agree. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm always open to these. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, and recently you and I hung out and we said, you know what?

1:25 [SPEAKER_02]: Let's do this together. [SPEAKER_02]: for you were on my show last year. [SPEAKER_02]: And we had a, like, that is one episode that I listen to. [SPEAKER_02]: I lied to you. [SPEAKER_02]: There was one episode that I listened to, which was yours. [SPEAKER_02]: I can't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember finding it where it was like there were nuggets in there that I wanted to hear again. [SPEAKER_01]: We spoke a lot about normalizing that tape. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: It was like helpful for me. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, let's go back and listen to the trip. [SPEAKER_02]: And I think I called you like the resident because I never had a video. [SPEAKER_01]: Which is sad. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, because I have the offer, meditation, meetups, a few times I've offered people to come and then one's ever took me up on it very much.

2:12 [SPEAKER_02]: Well, we need with that. [SPEAKER_02]: Because I do want to take you up on it. [SPEAKER_02]: It's like, and I'm the kind of person that needs a, [SPEAKER_02]: flexible than it up on that's true. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, it's like could happen could not happen if I knew you were here every day and day at this is where I am whether people join here. [SPEAKER_02]: I think you might find more people join that morning meditation has the done, morning I'm here. [SPEAKER_02]: And so that way it doesn't seem like, well, if nobody says they want to come, I'm just going to do this. [UNKNOWN]: Right. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I get that. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's kind of what I had to do with the volleyball meetups that I've been posting is that I just was saying, oh, I'm going to be out here.

2:59 [SPEAKER_01]: Me and at least one other person. [SPEAKER_01]: Me and every Wednesday at [SPEAKER_01]: come if you want, if you don't, we're still going to be practicing, that's the mindset I ended up having to take because I talked to Jill about the same thing about both volleyball and the meditation. [SPEAKER_01]: It's just like, well, nobody's showing up, and she said exactly the same thing, well, you just got to make it kind of a regular plan, and the more people see that it's happening, that it's like a committed thing on the schedule then. [SPEAKER_02]: And I think for anybody that's uncertain, I do not play volleyball. [SPEAKER_02]: all four foot two of them. [SPEAKER_02]: It does not have all of them. [SPEAKER_02]: I can go under the net without them.

3:41 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't do that. [SPEAKER_02]: And my hand-eye coordination is questionable at that. [SPEAKER_02]: I know volleyball is a big thing, and more and more people are doing it. [SPEAKER_02]: Are you finding now that kind of this regular thing? [SPEAKER_02]: I think you were doing it on Thursdays, that people are showing up. [SPEAKER_01]: Actually, so what I started doing, it would start out a little slow. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we'd have four people, we'd have six people. [SPEAKER_01]: Every time we had people come out, they... [SPEAKER_01]: free time and I would take their number at them to a group chat and I got a standing group chat of at least a dozen people that I can just send a text message to and say, we're going to go out there today at five, if anybody wants to show up and inevitably, I mean last yesterday we went and played and had [SPEAKER_01]: for 12, at least 12 people out there.

4:28 [SPEAKER_01]: We're six or six. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: You're going to start seeing more of that, more of the world know that it's happening. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to tell you that whole idea sounds. [SPEAKER_02]: The idea of a group chat with 12 people. [SPEAKER_02]: My phone blows up. [SPEAKER_04]: No. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm competing and I'm on a group chat with like just my neighbors and the chat is blowing up. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I get that. [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm on so many of them because like sports parents like two different sports parents groups and then they bring group and then this group and that's just like I mean, I do my best and then we were right before this I know we're talking about types of tithom That is one of mine. [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot leave it unread.

5:09 [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot leave a unread notification of there unless I specifically do it in order to remind myself to go back and look at me I have to clean it all up And we and we did talk about this a little before we [SPEAKER_02]: We kind of talked about what our flavor, the one listener, which is your, your now. [SPEAKER_02]: So you can buy my brand is A, A, A, A. I know I have. [SPEAKER_02]: Some of that ain't over 10. [SPEAKER_02]: That is quickly associated. [SPEAKER_02]: But I'm going to say I'm probably in line with a full 88 like that picture. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And so for me, I declare email bankruptcy.

5:51 [SPEAKER_02]: Want some. [SPEAKER_04]: That's a good idea, pretty good. [SPEAKER_02]: If you saw my home, and my house was the same way as you, everything, everything organized, put in their folders, everything archive, whatever. [SPEAKER_02]: Mine, there is eight thousand, nine hundred and forty. [SPEAKER_02]: It now sits in the red bubble. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I can never. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Just hearing the red bubble. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's a lot of red bubbles. [SPEAKER_02]: This will, I remember. [SPEAKER_02]: That's what I'm pretty so often. [SPEAKER_02]: Like I said, I go, I call it bankruptcy. [SPEAKER_02]: I go in to read that. [SPEAKER_01]: Mark all as, and I said if they want me, that's a good idea, because the important stuff has a way of bubble it.

6:33 [SPEAKER_02]: But I didn't do it. [SPEAKER_02]: Some were going to hurt. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, that's how I handle it. [SPEAKER_02]: Because I still don't I still don't much we've been. [SPEAKER_02]: But it actually doesn't even fire my intention that they sit there and click click click and then I'm I'm on I get embedded with my client. [SPEAKER_02]: So I haven't turned on every scene and I have their Yeah, so like they're accounting or they're info or though this I don't even have my you know This is the only device I have with my email [SPEAKER_02]: So I have to log in when I'm on my computer from for every customer to see every in a way that's Plus there's a what there's people in my face and everybody [SPEAKER_01]: in that imagine.

7:36 [SPEAKER_01]: I get overwhelmed just with the three kids at home constantly trying to pull up my attention. [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot imagine that there's a lot of adults also to have to say. [SPEAKER_02]: And my message, 90% of the time I go, where did you send it? [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: You're on the phone with me now, or you're talking to me out just, oh, be exact. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't make me go listen. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, summer hasn't. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, what are you doing? [SPEAKER_01]: We both know the answer to this question. [SPEAKER_01]: No, yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Look, now you're full of anxiety from my. [SPEAKER_02]: We were talking really about, hey, I'm trying to get a game night together, and I was doing my neighbors, and they're like, let's get those things alive, let's just get them out, and we're kind of doing just want them, and not figure out how to get them out together once a month for a few hours, and play games or a couple, whatever, and we were playing games, and I'm like, [SPEAKER_02]: games that require more thought, yeah, like I just need that intellectual stimulation in this a different way than the more a different way than home solving a different way than in that way.

8:56 [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm like, well, like, play like something that we have to do absolutely and you reach out and that I did [SPEAKER_02]: They say they like the play, but is this the kind of I like to play, but I'm going to flip a table if I don't win type of play versus I like to play, but if I get bored, I'm just going to ruin it for every [SPEAKER_02]: And so we did my house with kids in a round background as like You had a great time.

9:53 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, absolutely. [SPEAKER_01]: So we best. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and then we did one without kids, but what I found is how far did one One to get together to plan it and figure out how that just get [SPEAKER_02]: You're part of what we say, yeah, fantastic. [SPEAKER_02]: I love her. [SPEAKER_01]: She and I are I absolutely cut from the same go up. [SPEAKER_02]: We're a lot. [SPEAKER_02]: No, and each other for three years now. [SPEAKER_02]: No, how hard it is now.

10:36 [SPEAKER_02]: For a couple of hours, I've been talking about a whole day of going on vacation together. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Just a couple of. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_01]: And I find that the only reason that it is even easier for me to be able to do something like that nowadays is because of the divorce. [SPEAKER_01]: Because legally, I don't have the kids after time. [SPEAKER_01]: So I do have all this free time now. [SPEAKER_01]: At least half every once in a while, every other week where I can and why don't we end up doing stuff like that? [SPEAKER_02]: So that is a lesson for you, Mary. [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if that's the lesson, but it's a make-about-lantern-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter-patter [SPEAKER_01]: default painting roles like that with me.

11:32 [SPEAKER_01]: And then when you might call Mr. [SPEAKER_01]: Mom in a less progressive state. [SPEAKER_02]: As a two, he's like, I've been Mr. [SPEAKER_02]: Mom and he's tripled with that concept himself. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, I mean, I had just, it, it had been a role that I just developed. [SPEAKER_01]: I did the all the birthday parties. [SPEAKER_01]: I did all the socialization with the kids. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, all their events and something like that. [SPEAKER_01]: It was just, it just kind of fell to me because I didn't mind. [SPEAKER_01]: Do it. [SPEAKER_01]: And [SPEAKER_01]: it's actually how it ended up me even meeting or knowing Jill's because I was working the birthday circuit and at our sons were in the same daycare class and they were like best friends and so she knew of me well we knew of each other well before our divorces but so I talked to my therapist about it I said I'm supposed to like just let them y'all put me around and she said she said [SPEAKER_01]: You can trust that your other, your co-parent is going to be able to think with them.

12:28 [SPEAKER_01]: And this is going to, you're not, you don't see it now, but this is going to give you a whole lot of time to kind of like find who you are outside of. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's true. [SPEAKER_01]: We're like, I've been able to do so many fun things now, like I was out of parenting, that I'm treasuring this time to myself. [SPEAKER_01]: But for it, I didn't care about time for myself. [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever, my life's for my kids, and then I'll dress the coffee girl, like even with eating for a while, like, I don't, I don't make, I still to the, I don't really make food for myself. [SPEAKER_01]: I make food for kids, and then I eat the, like, and what the, for the same. [SPEAKER_02]: I are very much the same. [SPEAKER_02]: In that we are very big about whether it's our kid or our spouse, or our friend, or our family, that's what comes first and foremost and everything else is exciting.

13:23 [SPEAKER_02]: You're kind of coming to an, nothing divorces the opportunity kind of [SPEAKER_02]: You know, Troy said I talked about this last year and some of the earlier episodes like why I'm doing this, and why I need this part of it was figuring out, I what right. [SPEAKER_02]: Instantly even now still live for everybody else. [SPEAKER_02]: And I comport myself in a way to make sure everybody else meet digestible. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: When it starts to become un, and you start to get tired as you start being able to hide it as well.

14:09 [SPEAKER_02]: It all the fact of yourself as well as you. [SPEAKER_02]: It starts to weigh on, and I was in a really dark place, and I finally said to myself, you know, the quote from Shawshank Redemption, get busy living or get busy dying. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And I chose to live, like, okay. [SPEAKER_02]: Gotta just, but I didn't know. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: go, I guess, because now I'm realizing when I think of, yeah, answer that comes to my head is. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_01]: We'd like to think of ourselves as having a static being, but that, that ideal of ourselves that we could create is just that curated, is curated for different environments for different people that we find ourselves in. [SPEAKER_01]: I've always been [SPEAKER_01]: a different person for my kids or a different person for my parents or a different person for my friend.

14:54 [SPEAKER_01]: And none of those, I mean, when we really sit with ourselves and try to think about like, who's the most real Eric who's the most authentic Eric, is not the person that we put on for everybody. [SPEAKER_01]: Also, the person that we present to make ourselves digestible for those around us, really, when the more that I started questioning who was the real Eric, [SPEAKER_01]: it was the first and then it was by myself without any of the extra responsibilities of happy. [SPEAKER_01]: The best ad or be a good caring friend or be the son who achieves highly or like any of that stuff. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, all this stuff is fine and it's right exactly.

15:36 [SPEAKER_02]: There's the part of you, the height, just give them that part. [SPEAKER_02]: And so it's not a lie, and it's not that you're being enough to get stuff that you're coming to them pretty big with somebody either. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: It's just that this isn't, you've decided in some way interaction with assumption that this isn't for them. [SPEAKER_02]: And you kind of put that together. [SPEAKER_02]: And so I needed to sit with it. [SPEAKER_02]: And so my catalyst was just, [SPEAKER_02]: going, being getting my diagnosis for ADHD, because I was like, my assumption was, my depression was a sin. [SPEAKER_02]: My depression wasn't the same.

16:19 [SPEAKER_02]: This thing, these things that I'm thinking, actions that I'm taking are not opposite of me. [SPEAKER_02]: I can feel it, not yelling with who I am, and finding help [SPEAKER_02]: going to pairing menopause and all of this stuff happening for me a lot earlier that has blown away. [SPEAKER_02]: So in this plate, we're not allowed to understand. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: If you're in your 40s, 50s, [SPEAKER_02]: about this and, oh absolutely, but for someone in the third, this is going through. [SPEAKER_02]: So I'm kind of doing it by myself and everybody telling me I'm crazy. [SPEAKER_02]: For feeling the way I felt, my body was changing, my brain chemistry is changing, I was looking for help and I said, part of the reason that it's not just medical, though some of it is medical.

17:05 [SPEAKER_02]: is that I don't reverse the word. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't do the thing in rich mice. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't do things that are [SPEAKER_02]: Really good because when I'm fine myself [SPEAKER_02]: That's who I want. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: That's who I want of me. [SPEAKER_02]: I want to be weird.

17:46 [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_01]: It's not the clean polish version that you try to put on for everybody else, like that feels the best. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we like to think that it feels the best, but just like our own judgments, like projecting out into the world, like other people. [SPEAKER_01]: They have to be thinking this about me, which I show up like this way, but nobody's ever really. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if you think about that amount of times, anybody's ever actually critiqued you or said something about that. [SPEAKER_01]: And then how many of it actually matter, like no. [SPEAKER_02]: I think that's because even now, now that I'm choosing to show up in the bears, you say, where a tiara from my, where at your phone on board meeting.

18:27 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Now that I said, I said, oh, right. [SPEAKER_02]: I still get all of these react, and I don't want to put them in and make them. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: When I know that. [SPEAKER_01]: You were right. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: And that's a beautiful thing. [SPEAKER_02]: You want to be beauty, of getting old and, oh my god. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Cool. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: It's for you. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Cool. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: For you. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [UNKNOWN]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly, and that's kind of how I felt after my divorce. [SPEAKER_01]: It was just like, and I've described it as this plenty of time to say it's like, well I went through that and I healed from that and I stayed present with the heart of emotions that came from that and then Everything was so easy all of a sudden.

19:10 [SPEAKER_01]: It was like, I had beat us the story mode video game Now I just got to go off and do side quests. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I can do that. [SPEAKER_01]: That takes a lot of pressure off I'd be failed, which would be I mean, and it's not a failure, but cold on cold [SPEAKER_01]: failed in the classical sense of the term at that, which was my whole life and identity up that for those few years up until that point was being in a marriage, being having a successful marriage, being a great dad or whatever, and from all my trying. [SPEAKER_01]: No matter how much effort I put into it, it still did not work out and so that kind of freets something in me. [SPEAKER_01]: It was just like, I'm just going to do what I want to do anyway, like if I can do everything the quote unquote right way and still fail, supposedly fail, I've been trying not to say that, like, to myself, but oh, I'm not word of fail right, and that not be a negative.

20:01 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Cause I resonate with what you're saying so much in that I spent. [SPEAKER_02]: Thirty-eight years of so many years of my life. [SPEAKER_02]: Shrine. [SPEAKER_02]: on paper. [SPEAKER_02]: Good. [SPEAKER_02]: This is what the version of he does. [SPEAKER_02]: And then you get this from even from media and society saying when you find flaws in yourself, you have to correct them and improve them, then better not getting better better. [SPEAKER_02]: So the version of me that, okay, I'm chronically late, that is a thing I have to correct, correct it and I fail to read single.

20:42 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Every single day, and I would beat myself up about saying, why can't, why can't, I'm perfectly smart, perfectly, what they're, this on paper description of what I, as, you know, [SPEAKER_02]: or falling short somewhere and why I'm trying, oh, I'm doing all of the thing. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm reading the books, I listen to the notes, I'm doing the self-reflecting. [SPEAKER_02]: Why is it that I can't be?

21:23 [SPEAKER_02]: This perk that I decided is the person I'm supposed to. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And then you realize, [SPEAKER_02]: You know, that's supposed to be that right. [SPEAKER_02]: That person is unnatural. [SPEAKER_04]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: We are right. [SPEAKER_02]: I have this conversation with neighbor of mine. [SPEAKER_02]: And she was like, I'm just not feeling great. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not feeling good in my body. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not feeling good in my body. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not feeling good in myself. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm just trying to figure it out and I'm trying to [SPEAKER_02]: do all these things and like, have you loving yourself? [SPEAKER_02]: Hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: Have you tried, but maybe just doing something like regardless of impact on your health.

22:05 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Go on a fender. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Well, and then that's the thing is like, I'm probably one of those who I used to hear the term love yourself. [SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't exactly know how. [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know what that meant. [SPEAKER_01]: And I have the hardest time loving myself. [SPEAKER_01]: I will unconditionally love anybody. [SPEAKER_01]: Anybody who walks in the room, I'll give them everything. [SPEAKER_01]: But I can turn in that mirror bag around on myself. [SPEAKER_01]: Are you kidding? [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, deserve it. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no [SPEAKER_02]: for me, I need to work this hard so that I can do this for you. [SPEAKER_02]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: Because if I start doing this for me, now I'm being selfish.

22:47 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Now I'm not there for you. [SPEAKER_02]: Now I'm not being the person that I want to be for you. [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm still figuring out what that is like, my self, because every time I hear that, mean taking from somebody, which is, depending upon what you're, yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Well, and then, [SPEAKER_01]: I kind of have started trying because I struggle the same thing I'm still trying to figure it out every day because I'm the hardest on myself even to this day like most things that I do I'm the same thing like did I approach that the right way did I was able to give them anybody the amount of that I was supposed to or like did I am I'm not taking care of myself with my diet or my not doing did I not spend that time wisely doing this thing or that thing.

23:37 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's like the holding the myself to these high expectations. [SPEAKER_01]: The thing that I landed on is instead of love, it's easier for me to replace that with the word except. [SPEAKER_01]: I think like the real self love starts with acceptance. [SPEAKER_04]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what I've been more trying to, that's easier for me to do. [SPEAKER_01]: It's like I can accept to my hard feelings. [SPEAKER_01]: I can accept to when I'm tired and just don't feel like cleaning the house. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: I can accept those things about myself. [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's the part that kind of opens the door or cracks the window of whatever towards this other kind of mythical self-love that, like, maybe. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I'll get there eventually. [SPEAKER_01]: I don't find that I'm there. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I'm not there either. [SPEAKER_02]: And I think I'm where you are. [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a work in progress.

24:19 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. [SPEAKER_02]: That thing. [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: These things. [SPEAKER_02]: Don't. [SPEAKER_02]: I still don't. [SPEAKER_02]: I still, every time I fall short, I still go. [SPEAKER_04]: Hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: I had an opportunity not fall short and I still fell short and why can't I just get over that hurt a lot of wrestling with Maybe just the way I do think is okay. [SPEAKER_04]: Like I don't do improve Right maybe I don't [SPEAKER_02]: When we talk about the word love and I think love has, I've thought about this a lot, especially because I, someone asked me, why can't I accept, I love, why I love myself, why don't I receive love from others, I think it's because my definition is pretty different than everybody I don't believe in love as a now.

25:14 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't believe it can give in. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't believe it. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't believe in, you can't hold on to it. [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, this is that feeling and I more often I think for talking about is the St. Hocen in toxic fission that get me all well. [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't feel those things. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't, I have that sense of oxygen to have bonded with my child and my husband, my friends, but internalized that way. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: What I think of love is I think of, as I think too, love completely and full. [SPEAKER_01]: That's right. [SPEAKER_02]: Love myself is beauty, Jim, that would benefit.

25:58 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: In certain circumstances. [SPEAKER_02]: Without harmony. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: When I could talk to myself about that and say, Okay. [SPEAKER_02]: Love myself. [SPEAKER_02]: What does that look like in this moment? [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, do you think that someone else were sitting here? [SPEAKER_02]: What would I care for? [SPEAKER_04]: That's right. [SPEAKER_04]: That's right. [SPEAKER_02]: What are the actions that I would take for myself? [SPEAKER_02]: And some of that is like, I'm on. [SPEAKER_02]: A lot. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_04]: Who's that? [SPEAKER_02]: I don't care, like, you know, I'm going to go work out. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to go and play games. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to go and hang out with my child. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to, these are all action words, like, I'm going to go use some, that would fuel my soul, or fuel my soul in it.

26:48 [SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I call that love. [SPEAKER_02]: Is that, [SPEAKER_02]: I know. [SPEAKER_02]: That's what I'm doing. [SPEAKER_01]: I think it is. [SPEAKER_01]: I think, I mean, first of all, the Greeks had four words for love. [SPEAKER_01]: The arrows, familiar, eros being the traditional, like, I'm in love with like a romance. [SPEAKER_02]: It's romantic. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: The Amelia's, like, the Amelia's a family love. [SPEAKER_01]: I always forget the other one. [SPEAKER_01]: One is like, platonic love with friends. [SPEAKER_01]: But then a gapet is that type of, like, God love that they talk about with unconditional. [SPEAKER_01]: And I even played around one time in one of my TikTok videos with, [SPEAKER_01]: coming up with like a new definition for that being like I think I had an acronym. [SPEAKER_01]: It was unconditional caring acceptance and there was another eight minute.

27:33 [SPEAKER_01]: But is that is that like [SPEAKER_01]: It's a bigger picture. [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's a bigger sense of perspective of love. [SPEAKER_01]: It's just like not even just in this moment, but in the long run, trusting fully that things are going to work out, even if you don't hit this moment with the perfection that you're imagining in your head. [SPEAKER_01]: So it's just like, if I'm, if I'm, [SPEAKER_01]: I find myself in a situation. [SPEAKER_01]: And this is just love for me. [SPEAKER_01]: If I find myself in a certain situation, I have some things that I can choose to do. [SPEAKER_01]: It's, and this has been the hardest part for me is finding the balance of there are things I could be doing to get in me closer to certain goals or my idealized version of what would be quote unquote right.

28:24 [SPEAKER_01]: And there is where am I right now in this moment [SPEAKER_01]: And there is a balance in between both of those. [SPEAKER_01]: Like it's the death I heard it on a podcast of the day they talked about the difference between karma and dharma and Buddhism, dharma being, or karma being, all of the conditions that had to previously be met in order for you to be in the state that your current state, whatever that is. [SPEAKER_01]: Like even our thoughts are only being generated because of some things like dominoes, something had happened, something had happened, something had happened, that is our karma. [SPEAKER_01]: Where we are right now in this moment.

29:05 [SPEAKER_01]: Dharma being where our path ultimately leads for our highest good and that good of all around the system that we find ourselves apart of. [SPEAKER_01]: And so the balance is [SPEAKER_01]: Understanding and becoming aware of where you are right now, your karma right this moment with what emotional state you're feeling with what physical surroundings you found yourself in your physical state of your body your mental state all of that stuff takes comes into play where you are right now in its full authenticity where you feel [SPEAKER_01]: You're, you know, conscious or whatever you want to call it, you're the angel on your shoulder, you're guru, whatever, these many words that the voice inside your head that guides you towards making decisions that seem to be on the quote unquote good side of the spectrum or higher, higher effects for yourself or for those around you, for your social situation.

29:57 [SPEAKER_02]: The part of you that evaluates your impact on the world around the world around the other side of it. [SPEAKER_02]: That is fully self-driven. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And the other was like, okay, this is insular and this is a part of you that goes, okay, I was just going to and allows you be all right. [SPEAKER_02]: What that petition. [SPEAKER_01]: right. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's always about filing the balance of what is the most natural expression of this moment for me right now. [SPEAKER_01]: You've been my current state. [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes you're just too tired. [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes loving yourself means resting. [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes loving yourself means inching your way towards a better goal or towards some goal that you have.

30:37 [SPEAKER_01]: And each of those [SPEAKER_01]: you have to feel out in the moment. [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that was the hardest thing for me is because I want a form, I'm a math person. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, give me algorithm and I will nail it every time. [SPEAKER_01]: But it's not that way. [SPEAKER_01]: Like we're not consistent. [SPEAKER_01]: We're not static. [SPEAKER_01]: And each moment does it is different. [SPEAKER_01]: And you have to analyze objectively, like, I'm different. [SPEAKER_02]: the me that shows up. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Any moment. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: It's different than the me that was there before. [SPEAKER_02]: The me that was thinking about what I was going to do. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: So challenge because you, the, during their, yes, where you're, yeah, you make this to sit.

31:19 [SPEAKER_02]: And people talk a lot about regret. [SPEAKER_02]: Other things, my husband and I, we have [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: I always go back to and something he used to say, you always made the best decision because that's the decision. [SPEAKER_02]: Because that's the, you, that showed up. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: This you isn't going to show up with that decision. [SPEAKER_02]: The decision we're going to make every single, I have to [SPEAKER_02]: work in a place. [SPEAKER_02]: You work mentally, work physically.

32:00 [SPEAKER_02]: The synapses we're not going to combine any other way for you in that moment, make another decision. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: And when I think about that, that all of the hardships I've been all the choices that have been cring like for the episode, like you go, why? [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_04]: still be like, right, exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, that was that none of those things happen. [SPEAKER_02]: Then I'm not physically right here. [SPEAKER_04]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: And if I'm not physically right here, there's no telling I would, I can't go back and say, well, if I had, the one we were talking about this is if we had a dip, if I had a different relationship with my parent.

32:43 [SPEAKER_04]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: What I am, what I would, [SPEAKER_02]: Would I be anything different? [SPEAKER_02]: What could I have been if that relation is more different? [SPEAKER_02]: And the answer is exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: There's no point in dwelling in the what is a going into the funhouse near and with all the furniture. [SPEAKER_02]: We ain't going back to one. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_04]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: That's a better one. [SPEAKER_02]: Wishing I will be fine in that space. [SPEAKER_02]: Because I cannot. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: And who's to say what is better is not my one of my favorite stories parables actually is the that of the they call it the Chinese horse farmer They was a horse farmer and one day his one of his horses got loose his son left the fence open and the horse got loose and everyone all his neighbors and everybody came around and they were like oh man that's that's just too bad and the farmer said maybe and the next day the horse came back but he was leading [SPEAKER_01]: a half a dozen other wild horses up to his farm.

33:44 [SPEAKER_01]: And everybody came around and they said, wow, that's amazing. [SPEAKER_01]: What look? [SPEAKER_01]: And the horse farmer said, maybe. [SPEAKER_01]: When the next day his son was out trying to tame one of the new wild horses, and he fell off broke his leg. [SPEAKER_01]: And all his neighbors came around and said, oh man, that sucks. [SPEAKER_01]: That's so bad. [SPEAKER_01]: He was like, maybe. [SPEAKER_01]: The next day, the army came around trying to conscript young able-body men for their army, but they weren't able to take the sun because he had a broken leg so he was left. [SPEAKER_01]: And all the neighbors came around and it was like, that's amazing! [SPEAKER_01]: And the horse armor said, maybe. [SPEAKER_01]: It just goes to show, like, you never know where to draw the line on defining whether something is good or not good. [SPEAKER_01]: Good. [SPEAKER_01]: You never know the impact. [SPEAKER_01]: Life is incredibly complex. [SPEAKER_01]: complex series of event happening in a system, and you never know what the end effects of anything that happens now are going to be down the line in the system.

34:36 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I think part of some of what we internalize as depression or as negative thoughts about our life is us wishing something wasn't true. [SPEAKER_02]: that whole is and on and is unchanged. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And so we're sitting there going, okay, I live in this house, but I shouldn't. [SPEAKER_02]: And the, that I don't, makes me feel bad about who I am and the house that I live. [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: And then who's to say you have a thing and did the thing and we're being in that house. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Then you would feel better than you exactly.

35:18 [SPEAKER_02]: Because if you're always looking externally and looking at this world and doing the should of what it could have, you can never be. [SPEAKER_01]: exactly. [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, it's you cannot. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what Buddhism says is that the root cause of all suffering is our own expectations that we place on anything. [SPEAKER_01]: Without expectations, there is no not meeting the expectations from there is no suffering. [SPEAKER_01]: There is no one happiness because of it. [SPEAKER_01]: and so their key tenant of Buddhism was try to detach from your own expectations that we put out there as far as how we think that our lives should be going at any given time. [SPEAKER_01]: Because the second you set one thing against another is one thing is preferable and one thing is not preferable.

35:59 [SPEAKER_01]: You are already hedging yourself on being unhappy, you're already hedging yourself on having it because [SPEAKER_01]: you don't get to control the outcomes of the way that the situation that life puts you in. [SPEAKER_01]: And by definition, by saying, I prefer one thing against another, 50%. [SPEAKER_01]: You have 50% more probability now of not meeting that and being unhappy. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: But if you are detached from your own expectations of not preparing these things or other and just meeting life with this is what I've been given, this is my day of the Daily Bread, my good friend, Christianity. [SPEAKER_01]: And I will do the best I have with it, no matter what comes along, you open yourself up to a lot more possibility and probability of finding happiness in Manifah.

36:48 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm kind of gone back and forth with the word, penis, female, child, like my current journey is like, I'm searching, I'm seeking for it. [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And I think joy is [SPEAKER_02]: thinking about moments. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I like right people don't think of by the night this joyful described moment. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I'm thinking joy. [SPEAKER_02]: And then I think the longer term of impact of joy is can. [SPEAKER_02]: That's what there's a piece in that that you don't get with happiness because happiness to me. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: And happiness is, it can be rude and so many different things that aren't really good for you.

37:33 [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: Like, feel the positive brush of a book and, like, shodden for you, who's happiness. [SPEAKER_02]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: What was coming from doing? [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Right? [SPEAKER_02]: Like, there's a little happiness in that. [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't know that I want happiness. [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: I think I want, I think I want things. [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: joy. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't think Sean for you ever gives you joy. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I don't think looking and seeing another person suffer or another thing suffer. [SPEAKER_02]: Can never. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: And so that's journey. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm on and it's that interface. [SPEAKER_02]: But I think I'm getting better at it.

38:15 [SPEAKER_02]: You said something early. [SPEAKER_02]: No wing went to right. [SPEAKER_02]: And I brought me to probably some kind of need that you see where it's like just somebody. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and I I actually have this written down in front of me on my desk and it says Sleep doesn't work when the soul it oh that's a good that's a good one Because you because we feel tired right and I feel tired and I feel tired yeah wake up [SPEAKER_02]: You sleep when you wake up tired and if that's happening all the time and that's happened I've gone through months and here Beyond and when I heard when I saw that I've heard it or whatever, I believe I saw I think it was like one of those like pictures of a two mm-hmm.

39:05 [SPEAKER_02]: It was long that My soul is tough and I need to let the soul right and what does that Because it's not sleep [SPEAKER_02]: And it's not working and it's not taking yourself out of your family's situation. [SPEAKER_02]: Somebody. [SPEAKER_01]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: That is hard to define what it. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, I think in in my perspective that reminds me of Sitting and I will always tie things always back to meditation, but it's it's kind of like how in that last episode we talked about Meditation as being sitting and allowing things to to just process without pushing and pulling it away.

39:49 [SPEAKER_01]: It's allowing everything to just flow all your thoughts of flow by like a rip. [SPEAKER_01]: But for the soul's perspective, I like to think of the soul as operating in feelings, not so much in words. [SPEAKER_01]: The mind processes in words and data and visuals, the soul processes in feelings to me. [SPEAKER_01]: And so for soul risks, it's that we like to intellectual at or some of us. [SPEAKER_01]: I do, and I'm sure you don't. [SPEAKER_01]: We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: We'd like to intellectualize the problem. [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, if I can solve this through data, then it's done, right? [SPEAKER_01]: We don't have to worry about anyone, but the soul doesn't work. [SPEAKER_01]: And to me, what I've found for myself is the soul doesn't communicate in words and communicates in feelings.

40:34 [SPEAKER_01]: And so it's the same thing of sitting with our feelings and letting them be what they are in process. [SPEAKER_01]: It's like, the classical motif is that of a pond when you throw things into the pond and create these ripples. [SPEAKER_01]: And you don't stop and calm the water by getting in and trying to force a belief stopping ripples. [SPEAKER_01]: You're just creating more. [SPEAKER_01]: The only way to calm a pond is to let it settle, or like a lotus flower on a muddy, muddy water. [SPEAKER_01]: The only way to clean the water is letting the mud settle to the bottom and clean water on top. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's the same thing for me when I think of when you say terms like sole risk, that's why I think that's a part that I integrate into my meditations is not just letting my mental stuff calm down, it's skipping past that and getting straight to the feelings letting my letting myself feel what it's going to feel like that if I envision my heart like a flame for example.

41:29 [SPEAKER_01]: Flames have all different types of forms in intensities and colors and shapes. [SPEAKER_01]: And if I envision my heart like that, like all of the different emotional feelings, happening like pings or flares of a fire, [SPEAKER_01]: Eventually, if I don't touch it and just let it kind of let it do its thing and watch it. [SPEAKER_01]: Like, then there is even a physical type of flame watching meditation I saw on this. [SPEAKER_01]: Is this really weird short movie on Netflix with? [SPEAKER_01]: Who's the guy who plays Dr. [SPEAKER_01]: String? [SPEAKER_01]: I have a Benedict Cumberbatch, just like the amazing life of something I forget his name, Henry Danger or something like that.

42:10 [SPEAKER_01]: But he does, they describe this type of meditation where you sit and you just watch a flame. [SPEAKER_01]: He's like single pointed focus on one thing is meditation so that you let everything else kind of settle. [SPEAKER_01]: But if I let that flame, that point of awareness, when I'm sitting, be my own heart, where my emotions seem to originate from the center of me. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not necessarily my physical heart, but the core of me, where when you're really feeling heavy emotions, how you're heart can ache almost. [SPEAKER_01]: It's like that core spot where all the emotions seem to come from, all of my physical sensations [SPEAKER_01]: If I can just watch that as my single point of awareness and let in with and stop trying to fight against all of the uncomfortable feelings that I get if sadness comes up.

42:57 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't even need to enable this sadness. [SPEAKER_01]: It's just like a blue hint to me. [SPEAKER_01]: I see a morning. [SPEAKER_01]: I say see, but I feel them as colors. [SPEAKER_01]: It's kind of weird. [SPEAKER_01]: But like if sad if a blue tent comes up in the in the flame, then I just let that be it. [SPEAKER_01]: This is the watch. [SPEAKER_01]: It does like a piece of art or whatever. [SPEAKER_01]: And if it's if [SPEAKER_01]: If I'm really feeling anger or rage at any particular thing, like it flares and it's like a big red and I let that die down to it in its own. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's just to me, this is emptying out all of the pent up feelings that we may have repressed at some point or felt not appropriate to feel at any particular point. [SPEAKER_01]: All those things, these feelings to me, they don't go anywhere. [SPEAKER_01]: We just [SPEAKER_01]: causes as a side effect, some of the mental issues.

43:44 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's like you go to the heart to process the emotional and then the mental follows it out the door. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_01]: Almost, you know, I'm saying it until like, when I give myself this time regularly and now so at first it started off as sitting 15, 20 minutes a day to let myself process this stuff as a practice. [SPEAKER_01]: The better I got with it, the more I realized, I can do this all day every day. [SPEAKER_01]: Or I can try. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not great at it. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not constant aware all the time, but the more I can just let myself sit with my emotions and let them be. [SPEAKER_01]: there authentic expression within me without having to do anything about it to push it down or avoid it or make it less less uncomfortable or whatever if I can just sit with my emotions as they come up.

44:31 [SPEAKER_01]: Then at the end of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow I have less to process. [SPEAKER_01]: I have less of a backlog to work through like your modifications on your phone. [SPEAKER_02]: That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it [SPEAKER_01]: That's what it's like, that's what it's like inside of yourself when I like like my emotions as they come up throughout the day when I experience situations is like getting a notification and now I have to like [SPEAKER_01]: I address it right then and let it in the bubble of the superiors.

45:15 [SPEAKER_01]: So at the end of the day, I don't have 900 things that I have to go through in process. [SPEAKER_01]: I just, I've done it already of that my inbox is clear. [SPEAKER_01]: And so I do get that restful sleep at night. [SPEAKER_01]: I did hear somebody, I listened to, I don't remember who it was. [SPEAKER_01]: So many, an author said one time, it's like, when you lay down at night and you have all of, you go to, you fall asleep still with unresolved emotional, [SPEAKER_01]: issues, you carry that into your dreams. [SPEAKER_01]: And so you do spend your whole night sleeping, hiding at all night. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why you wake up feeling. [SPEAKER_02]: And I tend to have, not because this athlete is just, it is just, it is just, I don't know if the demons that haunt me yet.

45:59 [SPEAKER_02]: I tend to get nightmares. [SPEAKER_02]: And I process them, however I would process them, but I tend to get them, [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we carry in that stress with you. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: And yes, you're spending the whole process thing. [SPEAKER_02]: I think where I'm saying with you, but I describe it different. [SPEAKER_04]: Mmm. [SPEAKER_02]: Because what now, when I started to be for a moment, started this thing of myself, understand. [SPEAKER_02]: Whether I actually find a definition for relevant. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.

46:40 [SPEAKER_02]: finding my group of both about where I'm. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: How I feel, you know, because so much before, so much of what I do, it's like a benefit, it's like, you're right. [SPEAKER_02]: You know, I like just, I want to do that because you want it. [SPEAKER_02]: And it's okay, but what? [SPEAKER_02]: You work here and you're [SPEAKER_02]: Like moving back here, your experience or something, even would I do this on, and when I realized that so many things that I do, well, I don't dislike that.

47:23 [SPEAKER_02]: I wouldn't do them if I would buy my stuff. [SPEAKER_04]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: I actually don't any enjoyment from the activity that I was in participating in, or just it was only the experience of witnessing joy in somebody else. [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_04]: That was, [SPEAKER_02]: And that's enough when your soul is tired, because now all of my soul energies coming, that's to come from very joy to help. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: And constantly doing, then make other, and so I sat there thinking about what would be like, nobody were here, but how's it then? [SPEAKER_02]: And I had no responsibility.

48:05 [SPEAKER_02]: What would I do with [SPEAKER_02]: And that was the beginning of like, okay, now my soul was arrested. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Now I'm starting to feel what is authentic. [SPEAKER_02]: Not just in front by what I feel like I. Oh, my. [SPEAKER_02]: By the. [SPEAKER_02]: And I do that a lot is like, okay, well, everybody, I'll just, I'll give you an exit. [SPEAKER_02]: I'll open my house. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: love my house. [SPEAKER_04]: No, no, no, no. [SPEAKER_02]: You need to struggle with my house.

48:47 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: What most people find people, they're like, this is the right one for it. [SPEAKER_02]: It's talk about how great I have the obvious of me for what I, I go, this is not what I would have chosen. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, this is actually, I'm trying to like it because you like it right because you're telling me I should Everybody's telling me I should like some mm-hmm and so it must be good And so I need to like do it with it. [SPEAKER_02]: Be happy about it And when I let that go and what actually sat with the authentic feeling of don't like right I know how nice But I don't like Like crappy thing [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I get, I get, not a fancy car person.

49:34 [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: They like a beat up to a guy. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I prefer things that aren't funk. [SPEAKER_02]: And what I felt in the house was while aesthetic groups, and had a lot of the bells and whistles that make a great, all of that stuff, which lots of people don't have that. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And they're great. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_04]: I don't. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Ryan was taught, we were doing like, um, survival swimming when he needed lessons and stuff. [SPEAKER_02]: And they're like, okay, mom, you need to learn how to swim. [SPEAKER_02]: So he falls in. [SPEAKER_02]: You need to say his life. [SPEAKER_02]: And then quickly realize, okay, Ryan, need to learn how to swim to save your mom.

50:20 [SPEAKER_01]: No pressure. [SPEAKER_01]: But get it. [SPEAKER_02]: Well, it's an intelligent stand-up because it's forfeet, it's just a panic. [SPEAKER_02]: Useful to me. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Except for the enjoyment that my son has in it. [SPEAKER_04]: I was when has it. [SPEAKER_02]: same thing with the fire pit. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't think I've touched it and the kitchen was too small. [SPEAKER_02]: I like to cook and you've seen that. [SPEAKER_02]: So I wanted a more functional for the way I, for the way I lit. [SPEAKER_02]: And I, the aesthetics form as important. [SPEAKER_02]: And I went through my husband, I said, looking at, let's go find a better half of it.

51:06 [SPEAKER_02]: And then we'll move. [SPEAKER_04]: And I'm like, [SPEAKER_02]: It's not even all of that. [SPEAKER_02]: It was like, I just want it or functional. [SPEAKER_02]: When we realize I can make that house more functional. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: For Compton right. [SPEAKER_02]: I love my. [SPEAKER_02]: That's right. [SPEAKER_02]: It is a constant thing. [SPEAKER_02]: Love my house now because I can be myself. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, that's right. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm processing those notes. [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. [SPEAKER_02]: Another example might have brought me a very expensive tentant adversary engagement ring like like upgrade. [SPEAKER_04]: I never would.

51:49 [SPEAKER_02]: Because I told him like I want something ten years we've been together a long time and I love him. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, we have you know absolutely I'm not a fan. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, get that and so I have this thing we went to the store and he's like like it Look around and pick something else out. [SPEAKER_02]: I was inundated with so many voices of [SPEAKER_02]: How could you not like that? [SPEAKER_02]: This is incredible. [SPEAKER_02]: We all would wish we had a husband that would buy this for us. [SPEAKER_02]: This is amazing. [SPEAKER_02]: This is the best thing. [SPEAKER_02]: Nothing we have in the case appears to what you have in your hand.

52:29 [SPEAKER_02]: And so I didn't earnestly really look because I felt that pressure of like why? [SPEAKER_04]: Right, right, don't die. [SPEAKER_02]: This is everybody's telling me this is Nicole of what anybody would want in this moment of what you actually was like some kind of upgrade and I didn't even even even upgrade. [SPEAKER_02]: But and then I sit with why don't part of part of the reason I don't like it because I feel like I don't deserve it. [SPEAKER_02]: Feel like. [SPEAKER_02]: What was there a better use of, how much don't need for it? [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I've helped with it.

53:10 [SPEAKER_02]: What does it seem like if I walk around? [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: What risk in my, on myself and my family, I walked around with something often on my, I just, yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Nice. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Wearing, step or I wear it, but look, right. [SPEAKER_02]: One just drove him out of there. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, even then it's not for you. [SPEAKER_02]: It's not for me, it's for him. [SPEAKER_02]: And so I'll put it on. [SPEAKER_02]: And now I don't even wear either of my rings because I lost some weight and they start.

53:52 [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, I don't know. [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know. [SPEAKER_02]: or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like that or something like [SPEAKER_02]: that bad thing. [SPEAKER_02]: I've my another day all in the joy of the thing or the action or what I've eventually that can't wear on.

54:42 [SPEAKER_02]: Just doing what everyone tells me. [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I call it golden jails in your own. [SPEAKER_01]: I've always, I don't want to say suffered with, but suffer with is. [SPEAKER_01]: that trying to meet expectation. [SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of the times, I find now, it's not even other people's literal expectations. [SPEAKER_01]: It's what I imagine everybody else's expectations are of me. [SPEAKER_01]: And nobody has put this pressure on me, but myself. [SPEAKER_01]: And I, I felt like, and this soul exhaustion, I find at night after the whole evenings with the kids or long days with the kids. [SPEAKER_01]: And that's the same, I find myself in the same place [SPEAKER_01]: I have done nothing but play this with you, play this with you, play this for you times three, you know, giving you all my attention, giving you all my attention, giving you all my attention, and cooked all the meals, cooked all the meals, cooked all the meals, did all of these things that like in my head is like when I'm in a situation the first thing I think of is how is this affecting them down the road, like what therapy am I avoiding for them by making these practices?

55:46 [SPEAKER_01]: And it's like [SPEAKER_01]: Nothing for me, nothing for me, but then at the end of the day, they asked for just like a little bit more and they're the most needy at night after I've already exhausted everything that I've had to give. [SPEAKER_01]: And now they really need. [SPEAKER_01]: They were like, they were exhausting themselves on once and now they feel like they need a little bit of extra bit. [SPEAKER_01]: Right before I'm like, as I see the finish line as I'm like, I'm off duty like I'm getting ready That is when I am at my least patient like my least kind my least like and It is just It's that it's that it's all exhaustion that you talk from where it's like I Is what's that phrase you can't pour from an empty cup my cup is empty at that point I have nothing left to do and I know you need this and I know like [SPEAKER_01]: I have to I'm gonna have to deal with the guilt that comes afterwards after I close the door and go Let me back down in my bit almost immediately and I started thinking about the future impact that it could have possibly caused but The thing that I'm starting to realize now is that [SPEAKER_01]: They, I don't like the story of the Chinese version.

56:57 [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know the impact that's gonna make. [SPEAKER_01]: And there is a balance there. [SPEAKER_01]: Like some of this stuff that supposedly, I think that I'm causing them trauma with, maybe it's gonna make them more resilient at some point. [SPEAKER_01]: Who knows? [SPEAKER_02]: You could be, you know, I'm gonna say this because what, this is what we came here to talk about, is that, right? [SPEAKER_04]: Yep, get my fan. [UNKNOWN]: Sorry. [SPEAKER_02]: This is what I love about conversation. [SPEAKER_02]: Where were we? [SPEAKER_02]: Which we left me. [SPEAKER_01]: We were talking about how I'm pulling from empty cup at night and then I feel so bad about it, yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: I was saying, you actually telling what your kid will go to theorem. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: There.

57:38 [SPEAKER_02]: claiming for what, because they're not you, they can't be traumatized by the same thing. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: They're sequenced at them, and the vectors of their own atoms are going in their own direction. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And so what we think is love, we think is preventing trauma. [SPEAKER_02]: They're therapists at 30, going, my mother loved me. [SPEAKER_02]: We, we together, that's why I'm 30 years old in an 18 year old. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, exactly. [SPEAKER_02]: do mature. [SPEAKER_02]: I just wish I had more fun. [SPEAKER_02]: There's just no way to put yourself into it.

58:19 [SPEAKER_02]: To never have your child for first off thinking of next. [SPEAKER_02]: There's some ones that are expected like I've never hit Ryan. [SPEAKER_02]: I never physically or challenge with never physically harming him. [SPEAKER_02]: Is he doesn't know that the hurt? [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah, he was little and had his big feelings and been me all the time. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, big thing around. [SPEAKER_01]: That's true. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, internalize that what he's doing could we'll never be right. [SPEAKER_02]: That's why you have to be churning now, look. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, exactly. [SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.

58:59 [SPEAKER_02]: But I won't be that to him because I'm supposed to be a safe place. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: That's that thing of like maybe I just think about always doing the right thing perfect thing the everything because in that instance let's say I And they leave and you're not there right [SPEAKER_02]: everything, or you're not being there. [SPEAKER_02]: It's hard. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Now they're in it. [SPEAKER_04]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: Come in a clip to deal with discipline. [SPEAKER_04]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: With the deal with the fact that they might do.

59:41 [SPEAKER_02]: Here, this, this, this desire, comfort from here and my spouse, or whatever. [SPEAKER_04]: Oh, yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And then my, like you're looking at a child and going, I need to read this negative feeling that you're feeling. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And say, me is a good parent. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm supposed to be feeling from you. [SPEAKER_02]: You're not supposed to feel that, but really, there's close to feels right. [SPEAKER_02]: No. [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. [SPEAKER_02]: Also, be you? [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: Run to? [SPEAKER_02]: How? [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And that's so hard. [SPEAKER_02]: It's so painful.

1:00:22 [SPEAKER_02]: So I do tell my, I tell my, uh, non-existent listener. [SPEAKER_02]: Hey, I told God. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: One hour after. [SPEAKER_02]: I did. [SPEAKER_02]: I told them that and I said I was going to work really hard. [SPEAKER_02]: The great thing about a conversation is they can keep going and I do want to keep going. [SPEAKER_02]: So we might need to continue this. [SPEAKER_02]: Would you be willing to continue this on our next episode? [SPEAKER_04]: Absolutely. [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't know though it's going to continue on the same vein. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I can't get almost guaranteed, probably won't. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to continue on the same day, but I like the conversation that more canically been. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: And I would like to continue talking about if you're willing to do another episode.

1:01:04 [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely. [SPEAKER_01]: Any time. [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm Lisa Shevel. [SPEAKER_02]: This has been Shevel weapon. [SPEAKER_02]: And as as I always say, I don't know what I accomplished. [SPEAKER_02]: We kind of start the episode and go with I might make a point. [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah. [SPEAKER_02]: You have to listen the [SPEAKER_02]: Let's see. [SPEAKER_02]: If I make a point, and the answer is... Maybe. [SPEAKER_01]: That's life. [SPEAKER_02]: It's a cliffhanger, but it's like it made for... [SPEAKER_02]: It's just for more on our next episode of Sheet 11. [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you, Eric, for being with us here today. [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it'll be so fun.

1:01:45 [SPEAKER_01]: I can't wait. [SPEAKER_02]: Thanks for hanging out with us today. [SPEAKER_02]: If you love this episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss what's coming next. [SPEAKER_02]: And hey, share it with your friends, share it with family. [SPEAKER_02]: Until next time, stay bold, stay real, peace out, dooses, and keep speaking your mind. [SPEAKER_02]: See you soon.