The High Cost Of Moving On

speaker-0: Brothers, I got a message from a listener last week. I'm not going to use his name, but I'm going to read it because I think every man listening needs to hear it. He wrote, Carp'n, I'm 14 months out from my divorce. I'm just now realizing that I spent the first year trying to prove I was okay instead of actually getting okay. Went on 22 dates. I took three trips I couldn't afford. I bought a car I couldn't afford. I'm not okay. And now I'm broke. Thanks for tuning in to Rooted in Christ, Men After Divorce. Divorce really gets talked about in the church, but we open up the conversation for Christian men seeking healing, strength and a renewed walk with God. Each episode we focus on spiritual life, mental health, emotional recovery, physical wellness, financial stability and your future. Stay Rooted, Rise Strong. Divorce isn't you.

speaker-1: That message is not unusual. I've heard versions of it from men in the church, in the barbershop, in counseling, in every space where men eventually get on with each other. The first year of post divorce recovery is one of the most financially dangerous years of a man's life. Not because men are irresponsible, but because of the emotional imperative over the financial logic of it all.

speaker-0: You're in survival mode. Your nervous system is telling you to do whatever it takes to feel safe or feel good. And for men, safe often looks like success. Looked at, desired, capable, and those feelings have a price tag attached to them in our culture.

speaker-1: Yeah, big price tag at that. The culture has outsourced emotional healing to consumption. Feeling bad? Buy something. Feeling invisible? Go somewhere visible. Feeling like you failed? Dress like you won. And none of those messages are malicious. They're just deeply, catastrophically incomplete because they never mention the bill.

speaker-0: and the man in that message, he didn't need someone to tell him not to go on dates or not to travel. He needed someone to tell him that there's a version of those things that serves healing and a version that replaces it. He needed the distinction.

speaker-1: That's this episode.

speaker-0: Hold up, before we go any further, if this conversation is hitting close to home, do me a favor right now. Hit like, drop a comment, and tell us where you are in your financial recovery, and then share this episode with a brother who needs to hear it. The man who just got served, the man who's been swiping credit cards on dates, he can't afford. He needs this today.

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speaker-0: All right, back to the money conversation.

speaker-1: Let's build the financial picture for men who are listening. Specifically, what does the first 12 to 18 months look like for a man who moves too fast versus a man who moves with intention?

speaker-0: Man who moves too fast. Ouch, that was me. And I know this man well because I was him. discretionary spending spikes by roughly 40 to 60 % in the first six months. Why? Because the pain is at his highest and the impulse spending is at his peak. He's also likely navigating divorce costs, attorney fees, mediation, property division, child or spousal support, which means his savings are already compressed. Instead of cutting discretionary spending to compensate, He's increasing it to cope.

speaker-1: The compounding effect is brutal y'all. Spending more at the exact moment you need to spend less. Why? Because you have less. Which means every dollar you spend on a date in month 4 is borrowed from your financial recovery in month 16.

speaker-0: Boom. man who moves with intention. He builds the budget in the first 30 days. He identifies his change in income and his change fixed costs. He sets a real social spending number. Not zero, but real. He understands that the first year is the foundation year, not the thriving year, and the foundation is built solid. And the next 16 months looks like a stable, the next six months looks like stability instead of a second crisis.

speaker-1: The difference between those two men isn't their income, it's their information. And the information is what nobody gave that listener when he needed it. Now, what intentional recovery looks like? A man who establishes a post-divorce budget in the first 30 days sets a social spending cap and bills even a modest emergency fund reduces his financial recovery timeline by an estimated 12 to 18 months compared to a man who doesn't do any of the above. The discipline costs nothing upfront. The absence of it costs years.

speaker-0: Okay, Reverend Jerome, bring us a word to the... ...about this.

speaker-1: Hi. Thank you Carlton. The Prodigal Son, Luke 15. Most people know this story as a story about forgiveness. And it is. But I want to read it as a financial story for a moment. The son took his inheritance, his resources, and spent it in wild living. He went abroad, got away from home, trying. to live that fast life, trying to feel free, feel alive, feel like he was thriving. He thought he was living. And eventually he ran out of cash and it was in the running out that he came to himself. It says he came to his senses.

speaker-0: The waste was in the wake up.

speaker-1: The waste was in the wake up. But here's what I want men to hear. You don't have to reach the pig pen before you come to your senses. That story is not prescriptive. The prodigal son didn't have to spend everything. The story would have been better if he'd come to himself at the first tavern before his cash went dry. The father was always ready. The return was always available. You don't have to hit financial rock bottom to turn towards home.

speaker-0: You can come to yourself right now before the county is empty, before the credit cards are maxed, before the people are looking for you and calling your phone. You can hear this episode and choose differently starting today.

speaker-1: Father in that story saw the son while he was a great distance off. The father ran to him and that's what God does when we turn ourself around and that turn can happen at any point in your story.

speaker-0: Now, for the man that sent that message, if you're listening, and for every man who recognized himself in it, here's what we want you to do this week.

speaker-1: This week only, not a comprehensive life plan. Just this week. Step one, pull your bank statement from the last month. Circle every charge that was made from pain or boredom or loneliness or ego. Next, but not from general intention. Don't judge it, just count it.

speaker-0: Step two, take that number and ask yourself, what would that money have done in a savings account, investment account, et cetera? What would six months of that number look like? You don't need to feel guilty about the past, but you do need to understand the cost of the pattern before you can change it.

speaker-1: Now step three, text one person in your life, a financial accountability partner and tell them you're doing this. Now you don't have to tell them all the thing about it. You don't have to confess what you're doing just to connect the intention to a relationship. Accountability that lives only in your mind has a very short shelf life.

speaker-0: Step four, listen to the next episode. Of course, we're building on this. The financial conversation and recovery is ongoing. Doesn't happen in one episode. Stay with us.

speaker-1: And step five, if you're the man who sent that message or the man who could have, send us a follow-up. Tell us where you are right now. This community is listening. You're not anonymous to God and you don't have to be anonymous to us either. We're on your side.

speaker-0: Nobody told him that's what the message said. So let us tell you now, clearly and without ambiguity, moving too fast after divorce will cost you more than money. It will cost you time. It will cost you the financial recovery you need to build the next chapter on. And it will compound the emotional work you still have to do.

speaker-1: But the turn is available right now. Today, this episode, the foundation can start being built the moment you decide to build it.

speaker-0: Hey, once again, share this subscribe comment and remember, stay rooted, rise. Divorce. Not you.

speaker-1: strong. This podcast is for educational and inspirational purposes only. The host and guests are not licensed professionals and content is not legal, financial or mental health advice. Seek qualified experts for personal guidance. Views expressed are those of the host and guests, not affiliated organization.