The Gift of Grief: How Pain Opens the Door to Purpose | Not Alone with Melissa-Sue Methven

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Welcome to Not Alone with Melissa Sue Methfin. Today I had it on my heart to just go on here and talk about grief. I woke up and God put it on my heart that my perspective on grief, and I actually brought my journal where I journaled this morning after my morning routine. And I wanted to share with you what I felt grief was for me. And maybe that'll resonate with you, or maybe that'll start making uh some sense in your life, how grief showed up in your life. Because I know everyone will grieve. And grief could be the loss of someone, the grief could be loss of a relationship, a divorce, a separation. Grief could be grieving your pet that had died. It could be grief of losing a career that you thought you loved and or you got fired. There's all types of grief. Grieving is something that you've, you know, started doing and can't do anymore, like the grief of maybe you used to be a basketball player, you used to be a football player, and you no longer can play that for whatever reason. You will go through a grieving process. So I feel that grief now is God's, God gives us this gift of grief because we are ready to step into a new self, like a uh a new direction, our sole purpose. So he knows that we are ready for this step. So there's grief, but only if we allow ourselves to step into that grief. Oftentimes we don't, it's so scary to step into that grief, even though we know maybe uh, you know, when I lost my husband, you know, to feel all that pain was so hard. And yes, you know, in the beginning I was so busy, so busy dealing with the dental practice, the litigation, the lawsuit that we were in with judges and lawyers, my children. Uh it was just so overwhelming. So I was busy and busy, busy. So I don't really feel that I had the time to grieve right away. And it was, and oftentimes we avoid it, you know, we lose someone, and it's so painful that we find ways to numb that pain and we're not ready to feel it, and maybe that's okay. We just not quite ready, but we'll keep spiraling, not in alignment, until we go within to grieve and create that space. I know once I had moved from Wasilla, Alaska to Arizona, I felt, okay, now I finally can have space to grieve. My kids were gone back to school. I was in a position where I didn't have to work five days a week. I still had the dental practice running and from afar. And it allowed me that space to really do the work. And I'm so grateful for that. And that allowed me to just look within, feel, and got uncomfortable. I found the right counselors, a therapist, I found a wonderful place to go cold plunging and do breath work. I started getting curious. I started getting curious of how did other people grieve in a healthy way? What were they doing that helped them through the darkest days of their lives? And I found a pattern of them doing saying that they sat in prayer, met with God, they they journaled, they spent time uh doing breath work, cold plunging, and being in community, you know, just talking, seeking help. And so I started incorporating those things in my life and started seeing a shift, seeing that every time I let go and cried, I left more room to allow joy in and happiness. It just removed some of the the kind of clutter that I had and just intensity, the overwhelming is because I had not expressed any of that grief. And I was also realized that I was holding a lot of people's grief. Uh when you lose someone by suicide, a lot of times people have so many questions and you hold a lot of people's grief, and I had to really take the space to sit in my own grief instead of, you know, of course, I had to take help my kids through it, and I still do, but I had to find some space where I can get away and sit in it alone without any distractions. So I truly feel that grief is now when we are ready for a big shift. Now, sometimes we may know a relationship is is no longer good in alignment with us, but stepping into getting out of that relationship is so uncomfortable and there's so much sadness because that's gonna be a grief. We know we're gonna miss that person, even if we know it may not be the right person, and we and that's confusing, but once we step into it, it becomes clear we can just start feeling that staying in this relationship is not the right way. And oftentimes we have a hard time removing ourselves because that's safe. And where is that coming from? Well, maybe it's coming from past traumas as a young child where we didn't have a safe parent, or we didn't have in in in not having that having safety around us is what's comfortable, and stepping into the unknown is really getting uncomfortable, and we have to sit in a lot of pain. And but I truly feel in my heart that's how you grow. That's how you'll become more in alignment again for your life path and your soul purpose. Because you'll start noticing if you don't step into that uncomfortable grief, certain signs will little whispers, I call them. They'll be little quiet whispers at first. Maybe small things will happen. You'll get sick a little bit more often, or maybe your kids keep getting sick, or maybe in your house, the garage door all of a sudden doesn't work, or you get a leak in the house, and you wonder, like, what is going on? Why does this keep happening? Those are all little whispers that we need to get back in alignment. We're we're spiraling. And uh, so that that's my reflection about grief, that we need to see it in a different way and kind of almost not get excited about it, but like, okay, I'm given this challenge, but I've got to take it on the right way, the healthy way. We've got to grieve the healthy way and be ready to do all the work because what's beyond that grief is growth and a new life your purpose. Like you're gonna continue on where it's more in alignment, more happiness. Think of it as it's gonna open the door to more happiness, but we can't get there until we dig down into that the darkness of the soul. And I that's just what I've seen patterns in my life, uh, where too much of anything along the way will get you not in harmony. So if there's too much social media, too much uh partying, too much alcohol, too much of anything is is not in harm keeping you in harmony. Too much food, too much alcohol, too much of anything. Just find a balance. You know, it's okay to fall off, you know, the side because it's but always come back, pivot back. You know what you need to do the work. You try and remember where you felt your best. Like oftentimes, I I love uh Matthew McConaughey in his green lights book. He says, remember when things were all flowing perfectly and going really well, you were so happy. What were you doing then that is different than now? So try to remember to incorporate those things in your life again where you can things can flow again for for myself. If I think back, it's uh no no alcohol, actually. And and that's hard because I like my wine. I like having wine with dinner, it's very much been part of our culture. I am French Canadian and wine is pretty much introduced, I think, at a very young age. You know, it's like the European culture, and there's no judgment there, but too much of anything keeps you on balance. And uh, and also it kind of destroys your gut and you don't feel very good, you're kind of tired. So for me, removing that, I I hear more clearly where my sole purpose and I'm staying in alignment. Uh so that's what I've noticed for myself when things are going really well and I'm doing the work. Uh, and and it doesn't have to be, you know, an hour a day. You can just switch something from being on your phone at night to leaving it in the kitchen and maybe doing instead journaling a few sentences every day. You know, just trade one habit for another for a healthy habit. So these small wins that I feel can be so pivotal in your direction in life. So this is just from my heart what I felt grief looked like for me, and maybe that'll resonate for you, and maybe it won't. But I'd love to hear some feedback. Uh, you know, you can DM me on Melissa underscore gratitude on social media. I'd love to hear if that resonated for you and about grief, and if you could see it that way, as painful as that can be, because I know I I have some friends have lost, you know, their their child, and to see that as a gift, I think that would be really uh angrying at first, you know, and how and and almost mad at God for that, and it's hard to see it that way, but I I I it's just what what I feel that God knew you were can only give you what you you're prepared to have, and and there's for another growth, and maybe if it was to help somebody else that is going through that to see that you're you're still finding joy and you're that hope, that beacon of light for them, you know, and that could be that purpose as hard as that is, and um so that's what I wanted to share about grief as you may be sitting in grief right now. Uh I know for for grief, uh breath work has been incredible. If you if that calls to you, I'm happy I do that virtually or in person as well. And you can find me at melissagratitude.life. You can schedule a 30-minute call, and then I could talk to you about what that process looks like. But I know breath work helped me process a lot of my grief, especially PTSD as well, and just to be able to express safely all the emotions, all the trap, and just really clearing everything in my body and being able to listen to my heart again, to connect to my heart. So I just want to thank you and uh sending you love if you're sitting in grief right now and having a really hard day and finding it hard to move forward the next day, but just take that one step further of feeling it. I actually I have to share this story. Um, just this past weekend, I was having a hard time and grieving, and I felt called to go uh on a camping trip. I was like, I'm gonna grab the RV, bring the kids. I need nature. For me, when things are hard, I need nature. I need to be out in the wilderness. So we grab the RV and we go up to Sedona, and everything's booked as far as RV campground. So I was like, oh, where am I gonna stay? Uh maybe I shouldn't have done this, maybe we have to drive home now. But all of a sudden, I find this campground, Zane Gray. And our arrive at 8:30 at night is the most beautiful campground. And it's just what I we needed. Uh we could cold plunge there. There was beautiful trees to sit under, we can ground ourselves to the ground. And I was like, wow, I would have never found it. It uh if the other ones weren't, you know, were full, I wouldn't have found this new special place. And uh the next day I I go meet with the lady at the check-in, and I'm like, oh, I think we're gonna stay a little longer, so I'll just pay an extra day because we're really enjoying ourselves there. And we want to do all the cold plunging and just grounding and just enjoy another few more hours at the campground before we head back home for school the next day. Well, as I'm talking to her, I'm feeling all these emotions coming up because I'm I'm I'm grieving. And I just start crying. I just start crying in front of her, and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm sorry, it just needed to come out. And she just sat in it. Instead of wanting to just take it away from me, she just said, she's like, Great, let it out. And this is a great place to do it. When you go to the creek, just cry, have a good cry out there. And it's and I said, Yeah, that's that's definitely what I need. And if I would think of myself in the past, I would have held back those tears so hard. I would have bit my tongue, I would have been like, held my breath, because that's what we do when we we we just don't breathe. But no, I knew I can't fight the tears when they come because I'm gonna be a burden or that's gonna be embarrassing because I don't I'm at the check-in at an RV place, and who's this lady behind the desk? And I'm just bawling, you know. But that she was the perfect person for me to do that. And sometimes that stranger is gonna be that container, that safe place for you to just have a good cry. And they'll hold that space for you. I I remember too that would happen to me uh after my husband passed, and I'd go to the gym and I'd have, you know, the visions and things come at me, and I instead of like just letting the emotions flow through, I'd I'd be like, I need to leave. And I'd go hide and like not even express those emotions. But now it showed me it's okay. I could maybe cry and a dime in front of you and a complete stranger, and it's gonna be okay. It's better than it to keep it in because I've learned suppression, you know, that I wrote in my book, The Truth Behind the Smiles. Suppression was that silent killer, and that caused me so much chronic illness and mental health issues. And likewise for my husband. So now I know I can't hold back these emotions that I'm feeling, and then just to completely sit in them, especially in front of my children. This is, you know, they had never seen mom be so emotional at times because I had to hold strong, but actually, it's very healthy for kids to see their parents go through all the emotions, and also for parents to allow themselves to say, hey, you know, maybe I didn't do this right and just apologize because we're nobody's perfect, and we definitely don't come with a guide guide book for parenting, you know, and every child's different. And we're learning along the way with our kids, or my kids are my teachers. So I really, really want you to step into not feeling like a burden when you have these emotions in front of people and don't hide them. Uh, don't do what I did for ever since I was a little young girl to hide her emotions. And I became so good at not crying. But I'm seeing a shift. I'm seeing a shift now, like just this past Sunday, uh, just crying in front of this lady, you know, complete stranger. But that felt good. I was felt so happy that I did that. I was like, oh wow, I'm changing, you know, and that was a pivotal growth for me in my life. Uh, and um, yeah, just want you to say thank you for listening. I'm truly grateful for, and I hope this touches your heart. And thank you very much.