A Love Letter To Suicide Survivors

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Welcome to Not Alone with Melissa Methfin, a safe haven where we embrace our truth and break the silence surrounding our struggles. Here, we believe in the power of sharing our stories, fostering a loving community filled with hope, tools, and resources for healing. Together, we'll explore the journeys of those who have faced adversity, offering insights and support to ensure no one suffers alone. Join us as we shine a light on the path to healing, one authentic conversation at a time. Welcome. Today, after my prayer this morning and meditation, I felt called to share about guilt and shame that comes after being a suicide survivor, especially the people closest to the person that died by suicide. I found that guilt and shame really, really affects everyone that I've talked to that are survivors because you are the lifeline for everybody else, wondering how we could have helped more. What else we could have done? Did we miss anything? And then you kind of revisit every second, every second leading up to that moment and going, How did I miss this? What else could I have done? And that just kind of repeats itself and kind of blocks you from your own healing because now you're gonna have to explain yourself. You're gonna have to answer so many questions that you don't know the answer for. You might have some, you know, because now it becomes clear the depth that that significant other felt that darkness. And you may have some information, but it wasn't clear until that time. And I'm here to say that it's not for you to hold all everyone's grief. And it's okay not to answer every question because they will replay that day, that notion, and it's almost taking on everybody else's grief. That's what I came to realization is that I was keeping so strong for everybody else and making sure I can give everyone answers that they were hoping to get and some sort of closure, but I'd kind of forget about my own closure. And I only started to realize that maybe seven months after my husband died by suicide, and it was through a breathwork session. Actually, that was probably a year and a half afterwards, that through a breathwork session, I realized that I was holding everyone's grief, or I had held a lot of people's grief and never allowed myself to fully process. I was definitely in shock and in fight and flight mode, just keep going one step or another. And in some ways that saved me. But and just being there for my family and kids, and not until I wrote my book, The Truth Behind the Smiles, where I started releasing more and more. And so I've with many suicide survivors that I've now been able to meet and for them to share their story, is that it just there's so much guilt. There's so much, uh, and I see this in my children as well. They ask questions, like, what else we could have done? What if, like Sophia one time says, What if I would have been able to go inside and save dad? Because I didn't allow my children to see their dad that way. And she's like, What if I went in there? Would I have been able to save him? And so she was kind of searching, like, oh, maybe I could have saved them because they had such a special bond. Mateus, Mateus is like, oh, I didn't love dad enough because Mateus being such a deep feeler, very sensitive, kind of like me. We can walk into a room and truly feel the room, feel people's energy, and there's times when there's that darkness. It's hard for us to be attracted to go beside that person. And I know for Mateus, going inside that dark room that Scott was in, his own room, it wasn't a great environment. And he never really wanted to go and lay down beside dad there because he felt that darkness. But now there's that guilt. Oh, I didn't love dad enough. I should have been doing this. So this is where I see in our minds we kind of spiral in in the past. Unfortunately, we can't live in that past and move on. So one thing I had learned is just I have to live in the now. And I need to let go of that past and bless the lessons. I love Scott. I I know I forgave Scott there at the hospital. I remember whispering to him, saying, I forgive him, and I saw his pain, and I did wish that he had told me that he had these thoughts. That way I would have been able, better prepared to help them because I was standing by his side and wanted so deeply for him to want help and reach out. So I did forgive him. There was a lot of pain, and I searched even for a letter or anything for more closure, but there wasn't. So I had to just sit that. I can't change the past, I can't rewrite the past, and I can't keep playing that in my mind. And I had to live in the now. So this is a message for a lot of survivors, or if you know anyone that has passed by died by suicide. It's really hard. It's really hard to comprehend, and there's so many questions, and there will always be. I mean, I still, it's been, it will be, it's two and a half years now to this date, and there's still questions that arise, but I can't change any of that now. I could just move forward and use my voice to share our story in hopes that it brings awareness, or maybe for someone that is in that dark space, feeling that there's no hope, feeling that they're a burden to their family members, and that's the only way out. I'm just asking to not play kind of those thoughts that there's no hope because you are so loved, and just sharing with someone that this is how you're feeling and you have suicidal thoughts to share that with someone will allow them to step forward and get you the help that you need because you matter and we want you here. Gosh, you know, if Scott was here now and had chosen to live that day, my hope would have been that he would have gotten the help that he needed and the support. I mean, he had so much support surrounding him, so much love. I saw that past his his death. Uh, we had a community behind us wanting to lift us up. So I know the love and care was there for him. This is more for the survivors now. What how do they move on from that when they have to hold that grief for many, especially if they have young children? That's hard because now they're on their own raising their children that have so many questions. To comprehend that their parent didn't want to be around anymore. Now that is really hard. And the surviving parent now has to figure out ways where that child could still feel so loved and that it wasn't their fault. And each step forward is very confusing, but having community will get you through it. Uh, reaching out, you will need also that time, that stillness for yourself. I, for me to process everything, I really needed to be find time for me, and that stillness and that space, uh, reaching out, keep reaching out. Uh, you know, now I'm surrounded by such wonderful healers, practitioners, doctors, uh, friends, a support, and I keep asking, I keep being honest, where we're at, you know, as of today. My family still deals with, you know, there's anger, there's there's fear, there's doubt, and some PTSD. But as much as we're finding joy and enjoying life, and the thing seems to be going really well, and I've seen my kids flourish, considering what they've gone through, is my biggest gift that God has gifted me. But I still ask for help. It's gonna be a lifetime process. And I do find for my kids that if we can be of service to others, that is truly helpful for them and for myself. So I get them very much engaged in my mission and my purpose because they get excited as well. And hopefully, one day maybe create a program for kids that have gone through similar things or trauma or grief, because I know that brings them joy as well. Yeah, so I just want to leave that to you, this message that as much as you will replay the what-ifs scenarios and what we could have done more, is trying to let that go and change your thoughts to now. Just what are you supposed to do? Like now, today. Can you find five minutes of stillness, sitting in prayer, meditation, breath work, journaling, gratitude, sending that time, gratitude, and that'll come easier with time and practice. So I'm just leaving you with that and say thank you for listening. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Not Alone with Melissa Mathbin. Your time and attention mean the world to me. Remember, you are never alone in your journey. There is a community filled with support and love, ready to embrace you. I see you and you matter. Until next time, may you find peace and strength in the connections we share. Take care and be kind to yourself.