5 Humbling Lessons I’ve Learned as a Mama

scottie  0:00  
Scott, welcome to the momplex Podcast. I am your host. Scotty durett, my passion and purpose is to help other moms just like me rediscover their joy and step into their confidence as their kids grow up, join me as I share my own experiences, my own mistakes and aha moments as I navigate this incredible journey of motherhood while trying not to lose my identity. If you are a modern day mama who is ready to live for herself, not just for her kids, and knows

Scottie Durrett  0:34  
that is the best possible gift you could give, then you are in the right place. This is momplex. You Hey, my beautiful mama, welcome back to the podcast. My name is Scotty. I'm your host. I have to clean the camera on my computer because it has 1000 smudge marks on it with my kids being home from school, that's they're using all my devices, and it's hysterical. I love all the fingerprints and smudges, but welcome back. I'm so happy that you're here, and if you are new to momplex, hello, welcome. Thank you for sharing this time with me. Please send me a DM and introduce yourself to me. I'd love to know who's a part of the momplex community. This is a really special community. We are a community of no bitching or complaining and no judging and no gossiping mamas. We're all here just to help lift each other up and to help feel fucking amazing so that we can enjoy every single moment with our kids, even the ones that aren't that enjoyable. And that's a great segue, because today I'm going to get a little vulnerable. I'm unlocking a little vulnerability zone, and I'm going to be talking about some real, humbling, life shifting lessons I've learned as a mama. I like to share things that I've learned, because, gosh, if I can save you some time and energy, then I have done a good deed for the day. You know, for way too long, I truly believed this complete lie, and maybe you've believed it too. I thought that if I fucked up and made a mistake as a mom, if my house wasn't clean, if my kids weren't perfectly behaved or dressed, if they flunked a test or were rude to a kid, and if I didn't have the perfect Pinterest birthday party and mindful discipline strategy, then I was failing capital F, failing. And if my kids messed up, whew, forget about it. I thought the whole world would point at me, like, see, see that bad mom over there. She can't even keep her act or her children together. She looks like shit. Her kids are acting like shit. I used to think everyone was watching. Everyone was judging. Some people are, some people are. It turns out, no one is watching us as closely as we think. And even if they are, they have their own shit and mess to clean up. And no matter what we do if we go right or left, up or down, someone's going to have an opinion about it. I thought of myself in two extremes. I was either perfect or I was a hot mess, and that was a very exhausting way to live. But I don't call myself hot mess anymore, because our words shape our mind, our energy, our reality, and I talk myself up now I don't talk myself down, and that's what mom power. That's really about. What taking your power back is, right? So here's what I've learned. Let's just dive right into it. And this is what science and my NLP backs up as well. Mistakes are not failures. They are feedback. This is one of the most powerful reframes that I have made in my life, and I want to share it with you, because if you can look at certain events and experiences as all feedback for yourself and your kids, it is going to create so much more ease, so much more acceptance, so Much less stress in your life. I mean, our brain literally can rewire itself when you learn something new. That's neuroplasticity, which is the coolest thing in the world. This really negates the whole notion that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, bullshit. Yes, you can. Thank you. Dr Carol Dweck and the growth mindset research, because this has shifted so much understanding about our brain. I think that they used to think that our brain was locked and loaded and that there was no way to rewire, there was no way to change. Now they're understanding it's more viscous like there is, there is opportunities for us to create neural pathways in our brain. And the truth is, our kids are not looking for perfection from you. They are learning how to handle life by watching how we handle life, how we handle the messy moments, how we handle that, the feedback that life gets us. So when we model learning, we're not. Hiding when we model grace and we stop shaming ourselves, then we help our kids build resilience and critical thinking and self compassion, which is so important in today's landscape, when there is so much at their fingertips for them to compare themselves to, right? They open up a gram, they open up Tiktok, and there's some influencer doing some dance, and she has, you know, 3624 36 specs. Or somebody has just been picked up for a music deal off of a YouTube video. Or, you know, somebody just signed a 50 gazillion dollar baseball contract, right? I mean, it is exhausting how much information is coming at us and the pace is coming at us. If we can give our kids some armor through self compassion and self confidence and self belief and resilience, that is one of the best things we can do as a mom, because those are the skills that actually matter, straight A's and soccer trophies fade, right? But grit, flexibility, kindness, that all lasts a lifetime, empathy, self love, self soothing, self compassion, ugh. So instead of fearing mistakes, I now see them as proof that I'm showing up, that I'm trying, that I'm outside of my little sandbox. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm moving with the flow of life. I'm I'm helping my kids move with the flow of life. So welcome to Life School, Mama and yep, mom, school too. Honestly, the only thing separating us from our kids is that one. We've had a few more trips around the sun. We likely, hopefully have that fully formed frontal lobe. Thank you neuroscience for that and some more life experience that we paid for in sweat, tears and late night tequila. You know, too much tequila and late night Googling, right? And so we're not that different from our kids. We've just lived longer. I used to think that if I didn't have it all figured out, then my kids were going to just be left in the dust, and they would not have happiness and success, and everybody in the world would judge me. Now I have to admit, I don't have that much power. Yes, I'm pretty significant, and yes, us moms create such an energy and a vibe and that unconscious belief in themselves and the unconditional love. But they're not our puppets. We don't have that much power. They have willpower, and they are human beings, right? And most people aren't thinking about our parenting fails nearly as much as you believe, and I feared they're busy worrying about their own. So today, I'm going to share my five humbling makes me giggle sometimes, but hard lessons I've learned as a mom, and maybe they'll save you some tears and some time, or at least make you feel like, okay, I'm not the only one out here feeling this way.

Scottie Durrett  8:09  
So number one, waiting for praise. Oh man, I wasted so much energy waiting for someone to fucking thank me and notice me. The bedtime routines, the packed lunches, the laundry I folded, the dinners I made, the sit ups, I did, the work I created. And when no one gave me that gold star, I got really pissed, and I would slam the dishwasher and kind of huff and puff around, like, how could they not notice me? But guess what? There is no mom contest. There is no mom race. No one is handing out a most badass, patient mom negotiator trophy in Target today, I'm sorry. I have since realized I had to learn to validate myself still learning. But yes, love, praise, support, they all feel amazing when the people in our life love us, support us, help us feel special and recognized, and we want to belong, beautiful, but the most powerful praise is the kind you give yourself. That's what creates secure self worth. That means that it can never be taken away from you, and that's what helps your kids build their own inner voice of encouragement, instead of chasing gold stars, right? I saw this with Addie, my oldest, when she was a baby. Every time she cried, I jumped up to fix it, to save her, to soothe her, and what I was accidentally teaching her was that she couldn't figure it out herself that carried well into her adolescence. And the truth is, we're all capable, we're all adaptable, but we have to learn that for ourselves. We have to believe in ourselves. We have to be the ones that give ourselves the praise and the permission and the acceptance and the gratitude. So when you're craving praise, ask yourself, Where am I not giving myself enough? Credit, where am I not believing in myself? And when your kid cries out, don't ignore them. But if it's something they can handle, tell them, I know you've got this and I'm right here if you need backup.

Scottie Durrett  10:16  
Number two, holding them to someone else's timeline. I used to force my kids to hit every milestone on schedule like I was following some sort of manual in the baby books, crawling, talking, reading, sports, puberty, college apps. I compared them to their friends, their cousins, random strangers on the gram the spoiler, though, comparing only made me anxious, turns out, every single one of us has our own divine timing. Your kids included, and you did not create that timeline. Okay? Our job is to support their timeline, to respect it, not to rush it, and the same goes for you. The best person to compare yourself to yourself yesterday, the best person to compare your kid to them yesterday, and research shows that kids thrive when they feel safe, to grow, not pressured to perform the biggest lesson. They will get it when they get it, like my son, Flynn, he's my baby, learning to swim. I did mommy and me swim classes with my two oldest, and it didn't really help. I needed to look at that more of an activity, not to develop them into Olympic swimmers. I chose not to do mommy and me classes with Flynn, and I threw him in one of those puddle jumpers. Gosh, whoever invented that chef's kiss? That thing is fucking amazing. I was at a friend's house, and my old my two big kids were swimming in the pool with their friends, and Flynn had on his puddle jumper, and I was sitting there watching from the table. All of a sudden, I'm watching him. He unbuckles his puddle jumper, which I don't know how he did that, because it was the buckle was behind him, and he jumped in the water. Of course, I jumped up and I ran over there. But you know what? The kid floated to the top and swam to the side. He was three and a half. They get it when they get it. Now I was there watching. He was not unsupervised, but he hadn't been ready. Not one moment before was he ready. When he was ready, he knew it, and then he nailed it.

Scottie Durrett  12:18  
Number three, taking it personally. Oof, this one stung. I've said this several times, and not everybody likes this, but being a mom is the least personal, personal role we will ever hold. When my kids used to melt down, slam the doors, talk back to me, scream, misbehave. I thought it was about me, or I thought it meant that I was ruining them. But it's not personal. They are developing that timeline I told you about. They are developing on their own emotional timeline, their own emotional regulation. They are testing independence, and actually give yourself some fucking praise. If they are testing their independence, that means that you've created a safe space for them to explore, for them to try, for them to truly be who they are in that moment. And sometimes they're just hungry, they're just tired, they just want to be left alone. Freud called it individuation. Modern psychology calls it normal child develop it. They're supposed to push against you to figure out who they are. One of the coolest things is when a kid says, I don't like what you like, that means that they feel strong enough in their own skin to go out there and forge their own path. Stop making their mood about you. Let them figure themselves out without you needing to fix it or take it personally, that tantrum that they're having on the trip not about you. We don't want to be immature about it and make it about us. Remember, we've got that fully formed frontal lobe when your kid is acting out. Take a deep breath and try to reframe the situation and think to yourself, Okay, I don't like this, but what could be going on if I get out of my own way and not make this about me and try to put myself in their shoes? What could be the cause of this? What happened to them at school today that I was not privy to? Have they had enough to eat? Have they had enough to drink? Are they going through a pivotal shift in their life right now? Because honestly, every time I looked up my kid was going through another shift. All of that brings in new feelings, new emotions, new hormones, new energies, things that they have never felt before. So rather than make it about you, get curious and figure out what is the root cause of their behavior. That's bad ass momming right now.

Scottie Durrett  14:50  
Number four being way too obsessed with their wins and losses. I am a super fucking competitive person, very. Competitive. I'm competitive in my own sports. I'm competitive against myself, and I'm competitive with my kids to other kids, and one time, my mom told me, you don't get to take credit for their successes or their failures. And at first I was like, yeah, that's rude. Hello. They wouldn't be here without me. But now I get it. We give them our love, we give them our lessons, we give them our support and our genes. But what they do with that? That's their path. When I obsessed over every performance at the plate, every grade, every outfit, every milestone, every food label, every activity, every screen time, minute, I missed the moments in front of me, honestly, and I missed being there for them in a way that was neutral. I was so caught up in them, like holding together what I wanted to happen, what I envisioned to happen, my dream for them, my vision for them, the way I wanted things to go, the way I thought things should go that I actually missed time to say, like, Wait, how are you doing? How do you want things to go? What's your vision? What's your dreams? What are your desires? What do you want to happen? You know, it was like I was losing balance because I was trying so hard to control things. I wasn't present. I was just so focused on us trying to be perfect, that I missed a lot, and I was gripping too tight, and that just ended up pushing up them away. Let your kids fail. Let them figure it out. Let them figure out what sport they like, not the one that you put them in. Let them figure out what kids they want to play with, not the ones that you keep planning play dates for. Let them figure out if what kind of eggs they like, right? I always think about that Runaway Bride analogy where she kept running away. Richard Gere the reporter, asked her, like, what are your favorite eggs? And she was like, What are you talking about? And every relationship she had been in, she was always adopting the person's favorite egg preparation. I'm fumbling over my words today, thank you for being with me. But what she needed to do was go beyond her own and figure out what kind of eggs she's liked. Let your kids figure out what kind of eggs they like. Don't just give them your favorite eggs. Yeah, it's a good start. But then let them go explore. Let them know that they are not an extension of you. They don't owe you anything. They're not here to please you. They're not here to check anything off of your list. They're here to go live their life. They're not living for your approval, right? So we want to let go of that control and that obsession

Scottie Durrett  17:37  
number five, waiting on my life because of them. This is probably that one of the foundations of my work, because this one stings. Your kids didn't ask you to put your whole life on hold for them. If you keep saying, I'll focus on myself when they're older, that is a choice, and it's your choice, not theirs. When we stop waiting to live our life and we blame them. It makes it something external that we're not responsible for. It's not true. Our own beliefs influence how we show up in our life and create our reality. So if you believe that you have to wait until your kids are older to take care of yourself, guess what? That is the life you're going to create. But when you stop waiting to live your life, and you start living your life and making yourself a priority. Then they learn it's safe to live theirs. And research shows that kids raised by parents who have their own passions, their own purpose and their own joy outside of raising their kids, those children become more independent and more secure. You living your life actually teaches them to live theirs. That is one of the most beautiful lessons we can give to them. You don't even have to make an intentional teaching moment for them. You eating healthy and resting and respecting your own opinion and giving yourself praise and gratitude and moving your body and loving your body and living your own damn life, it teaches them the beautiful lessons to live their life their way. It is fucking amazing.

Scottie Durrett  19:15  
I share these lessons and these learnings not because I've got it all figured out, but because we heal together when we tell the truth and when we really build awareness about how we feel, how we're showing up, it allows us to then make a choice, do I like where I'm going? Do I like how I'm feeling? Do I want to make any shifts? That is so empowering you can get your power back, and you can always remember, teach an old dog new tricks, right? So what if we drop the shame today? What if we stop pretending that we're supposed to have it all figured out? What if we stop putting the pressure on ourselves and we started to see mistakes not as failures, but as feedback, and your biggest oops could become another Mama's breakthrough moment. Think about that. The more we open up, the more. We share, the more honest we are with ourselves and each other, the more we heal, and when we heal, that helps our kids heal. Go scroll down. Leave me a five star review, and I want to hear what's one lesson that you've learned as a mom that changed the way you show up. Please drop it. DM me. Share it in the comments. Share it with a mom friend who needs to hear this, because your honesty might be the exact freedom and aha moment that another Mama is praying for today. And hey, please don't forget hit subscribe so you never miss an episode of this beautiful mom life podcast that we're all figuring out together. I love you. I'm here for you. You've got this. You're the best. Hey, Mama, thank you so much for listening before you dive back into the beautiful chaos of your life, please take this with you. You're doing better than you think. You are not alone, and you do not have to do this on autopilot. If this episode helped you in any way, please share with a mom who needs to hear it, because we grow faster when we do it together, and if you have a second, leaving a five star review helps momplex reach more mamas who need this kind of real talk and support. If you want more support and guidance or just someone in your corner, be sure to visit scottyderette.com to learn more. Get in touch with me or dive deeper into this work until next time mom trust yourself. Trust your gut. You already know what to do, and you are exactly the momma your kids need. I love you. I'll see you next time you.