Why Men Stop Trying in Marriage (and How to Get Him Back) | Feat. Pastor Julie Signorelli

All right.

Welcome to our living room in New York City.

My name is Mike Signorelli, and this is my beautiful wife, Julie.

And we are in our fourth and final installation of what men and women really want.

You made it.

We.

You made it.

So what men really want is purpose and partnership.

That's what we're going to be talking about.

And what women really want is what?

Faithfulness and commitment.

Yeah.

So women really want faithfulness.

They want commitment.

But men, they really need purpose and partners.

Okay, so we're going to talk about that.

And.

Okay, we're going to just jump right in.

So men.

Men, though, they need purpose.

And one of the things about dating is that it.

Dating gives a man a sense of purpose because it's like the conquer thing, right?

It activates this.

Gotta get to know her, then you got a date her, then you gotta engage her, then you gotta.

Yeah, there's like, all these, like, levels.

Like a video game.

It is.

Yeah, exactly.

The video gamific I knew I had.

I had the men at video game, right?

So.

And that's.

That's a real phenomenon because it's like, oh, I think she likes me.

Will she give me a chance?

Can I kiss her?

Can I hold her?

Can I touch her?

How far can I take it?

Can I marry her?

And it goes in phases and stages.

And a lot of guys, they shut down in the marriage because that part of them is no longer active.

So men need purpose.

Right, right.

And sometimes when a man feels like their purpose is dwindling or diminishing or gone, they're like, you what?

What does it really matter?

She's never happy, you know, nothing I do.

And what they'll do is they'll shift their focus to an alternative purpose.

And that's why, you see, men, they start getting into hobbies.

Oh, I got to re.

I'm.

I'm actually working on a car, you know, like.

Because what happens is they're so wired for purpose that if they feel like, well, listen, my previous purpose was this relationship, but now it feels purposeless.

I'm just going to move on, and I'll reallocate this energy towards other purposes.

Makes a lot of sense because men have a lot of hobby groups, you.

Know, like, no, there's nothing wrong with the hobby, but, like.

No, no, no.

I know what you're saying.

I.

It's just, like, innate in you.

It is.

But here's the question.

Is it a hobby or is it misdirected purpose?

Well, let me.

Let me say this.

Did the hobby Replace your, your relationship.

Like, because every man, I believe, needs one or more hobbies.

Oh, yeah, I think they're very important.

Yes, yes.

You know, it's like, I got a lot of hobbies, actually.

Yeah.

But it's, it's healthy in the fact that it doesn't replace purpose.

Right.

And so a lot of men struggle for, for that.

But then women, they need faithfulness.

And so sometimes what I just try to do is try to make the distinction between purpose and faithfulness.

Because sometimes in a man's attempt to find, he becomes unfaithful because it's like I switch.

Now I'm going to go here because I feel like, what does it matter anyway, you know, this relationship?

Or they get comfortable and they're like, yeah, you know what?

Like, I don't need to advance this marriage.

Like, I'm on cruise control, so I'm going to go find purpose.

So a man can become unfaithful in his attempt to find purpose in the wrong place.

Right.

And then.

But a woman really needs faithfulness.

So, And I.

Explain it to me.

Well, I mean, I think women and, and I know this isn't the case for all women because somebody in the chat's gonna say, what about blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I would say most women who are not, you know, who.

There isn't something wrong with them are wired for commitment.

Like, we are hardwired.

We.

When we have babies.

That's why it's, it's so instinctual.

It's so instinctual.

And that's why there's something like, there's a red flag when a mother doesn't have the connection with their baby, because that's what's like usual, natural.

Right?

And so when it comes to, I, I know that there are people out there that, not biblical, that believe, like, you know, that they don't have to have monogamy.

They're not wired for that.

Well, guess what?

You are wired for that.

That is.

Even science will tell you that, that the most fulfilled relationships are monogamous heterosexual couples who are committed to each other.

So we are hardwired.

Hardwired for it at a biological level.

We just are.

And scripturally, we are taught, you know, when you're a woman coming up in the faith, and for those of you who didn't grow up in church, you know, like, I don't know, but like, as a woman growing up in the faith, in the church, you know, you're taught, you get married and you live your whole life with this person.

And so that is like, in my subconscious.

Right.

So when it comes to commitment, I used to get so offended when I felt like things were like vying for your.

For your commitment, like your time.

Like you had a, you know, a band.

And how much time was he spending?

Because I want you to be committed to me and nothing else, you know, that's the unhealthy, toxic part of me, you know?

You're admitting that?

I'm admitting it.

I remember when you were with your band.

If I felt like band, we had a detached garage at the time.

And if I felt like band rehearsal was going too long.

Do you remember me doing this?

There was a power switch in the house and I would just shut the power off to the garage.

Yeah, that's a little toxic.

No, that was very toxic.

Granted, you had your own toxic tendencies, but my.

I felt like if there was anything that was threatening our commitment, that I just wanted to chop it off.

Whether it was healthy, unhealthy, doesn't matter.

Not every man is addicted to video games.

So some women, every time they pick up, you know, a video game controller, they're just going crazy.

Well, okay.

Is it the fact that they're doing something other than you, or are you, you know, jealous?

There's a lot to be determined.

So I think when it comes to commitment, if we feel like.

Because I think the obvious thing is fidelity, like, obviously we want you to be committed, but the more non obvious thing are the things that vie for your time commitment.

Yeah, I don't know if that.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, absolutely.

Because it's like you.

If you feel.

What you're saying is that sometimes women, if they feel like anything is to the detriment of that faithfulness.

Right.

So sometimes they can't, in their own mind, they can't make amends of, like, in other words, like, they.

You can't put it all together and say, it's possible that he still loves me and he's faithful to me, but he also has these other things in his life.

You're right.

I mean, there are some unhealthy marriages where they only have each other.

No, you know what I mean?

Like, and that's not healthy either.

Yeah.

Because I think that there's something to be said about, like, having a separate life actually makes the together time more healthy.

You know what I mean?

So it's like, it's beneficial for me to go do this and explore this and see this.

Then when we do come together, there's some.

There's it's exciting you know, because there are some couples that.

It's like they actually lose their individuality, but for the sake of the marriage, when I think that faithfulness doesn't necessarily mean, like, exclusivity in terms of my time, you know, because there's some people that they become one dimensional.

And it's like, you go to work, you come home, go to sleep, go to work, come home, go to sleep.

And then ironically, the.

A man that does that can become less attractive to a woman.

You know what I mean?

Because they.

It's like they've lost their edge.

And so it's like, I think there's a dynamic to this where a healthy man is not like always home.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's like, are you going to the gym?

Do you go golf?

Do you have male friends where occasionally you go out shooting with them?

You know, doing different.

Like, is there something about you?

And like, obviously you can spend too much time on those things.

Like, we're talking about healthy, like rhythms of rest.

Yeah.

Like Ecclesiastes 3.

There's a time for everything.

Sure.

Now, there's been seasons where I think I went too far.

Like, absolutely.

In the band thing where it was like I obsessed over the music and I just wanted to be an artist.

Right.

But then there's also been times where I've gone too far into work.

And this is like a more recent.

Oh, yeah.

Which we're.

We're in a Sabbath year right now where we're like peeling back.

I got my travel down to the minimums.

You know, we're.

We're in a.

We're trying to work that out because.

And I like that you were.

You used the word rhythm, not season or, you know, because it's like a healthy rhythm.

Like six days of work, one day of Sabbath.

That's how God demonstrated was more work than Sabbath.

Some people have six days of rest, one day of work.

You know what I mean?

Like, if you added it all up and maybe that convicted somebody.

Now, for me, what's funny is you were toxic.

You did shut off the garage.

Oh, yeah.

But then I counterbalanced the other direction and I hit a stretch of building for our family, building legacy to where how I knew I was getting unbalanced is like, you would come home with a hockey stick for me, you know, like you were trying to jump start my hobby.

Rollerblades, like, whatever I could get.

Like your golf clubs.

Like, let's do this.

Yeah.

And that was actually assigned to me, you know, that, like, you know, hey, I just bought you a fishing pole.

Like, please do something other than work.

It was funny because in 2024, it was the year of people giving you gifts, hoping you would get a hobby, which is fun.

You have hobbies, you have music, you have different things that you would do.

Poetry.

There's a lot of things that are hobbies that people don't see.

So, you know, and non traditional hobbies, like art and different things that, you know, you're.

You're, if you will.

But it was funny because, like, last year, someone gifted you a PlayStation.

Someone gifted you or whatever.

I don't know.

I don't know which.

I've played that thing a dozen times in the last year.

But every time I do, it's literally like once or twice a month.

I literally go, man, I feel.

I feel better.

That was cool.

And I like.

And it makes me so happy seeing you do it, but that's how it should be.

You know, if your wife is like, oh, my gosh, he's playing video games again, it's like, you might want to examine your commitment to her.

Yeah.

You know, you might want to examine, like, if things are imbalance versus, like, you know, every time you pick up a controller, our kids are like, yay.

He'S doing something funny, normal.

Yeah.

They celebrate it.

Yes.

And we do it more, do it every day.

And then, you know, we.

We got you golf clubs and we're like, putting it on your calendar to make you do it.

Yeah.

So it's like you don't want to be.

I think you've had seasons being too far in each direction, but, you know, when you were in too far in the direction of spending too much time, if I felt like our commitment to each other was threatened, like, it felt like in either way, that hobby was in either way.

Right.

Because you could be right.

Or your hobby can both threaten your faithfulness.

Yes.

Yes, definitely.

So I don't know.

Yeah.

Now that's a really.

That's a really good point.

And I think for men.

Well, men, they need purpose and partnership.

Yes.

So I remember going back to the time where, you know, I was making music all.

All day and night.

I felt like I needed partnership.

Like, I would want you to come to the shows and you would never want to go.

Yeah.

And I'm like, but I'm playing the biggest venues in Chicago and, you know, and.

And sometimes that would put resentment in my heart because, you know, you know, it was like, well, all these other people are.

Are coming, and my own wife, you know, doesn't want to come.

So men need partnership.

And then even with the ministry, it's like, you know, there's times where, you know, I'm like, man, I need my wife to rock with me.

I.

It's like, I need a partner.

And so I think one of the things I would encourage the women to do is think of yourself like the w.

You're thinking about how I could be faithful.

But you.

But you should also be thinking about how you can be a partner.

Yeah.

So, like, if your man fishes, can you fish with him?

If your man golfs, can you go like, you always want to ride.

You want to drive the car?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, but you only can do, like, nine holes.

You can't do eight.

I can only do four.

Yeah, because of your attention span.

And you're like, okay, I'm gonna be on my phone.

I want to eat the snacks.

I'm done.

But it's like, can you be a partner?

Because I think a lot of men, deep down inside, if they were being honest, they view their wife as, like, this, as a partner and, like, you know, an accessory.

Like, this is my.

You know, she's here with me.

Like, she's on my arm, and we're going through life together.

And then when it feels like they're an.

An enemy or an opposition versus a partner, that's where there's.

You know, so it's like, enter his world, even if it's not your world.

Yeah.

You know, and I think that that, to me, is something that would encourage, like, the women, like, think about his hobby and act like you care about it.

Right.

That.

And that'll blow his mind.

Well, it's like, what do friends do when you're friends?

You like, my friend.

I want to go shopping.

I want to go to lunch.

I want to go to brunch.

We like the same things.

We do the same things together.

That's part of the bonding.

But when it comes to our spouse, it's like, oh, yeah, you're going hunting.

Good luck.

Like, no.

What if you got the fatigues on?

I don't know what hunting language is.

I live in New York City.

I have no idea.

But what are camo.

You get.

You get the.

On.

Put your.

Yeah.

And.

And just sit there and go.

Go for it.

Because you would do that for your friends, you know, how much more your spouse.

And then I think a lot about, like.

But we partner and work together.

I don't look at it as your career.

You know, I look at it as.

This is what.

What.

What Helps our family.

And so I'm all in.

So, like, for example, today you had an appointment and we had a guest coming.

And so instead of just letting you feel the full weight of it, I jumped in and was like, we're doing this.

And we were cleaning the yard, we were getting the house ready, we were ordering food.

And it was like, yeah, it was your thing.

It was your commitment.

But because we're a family, I was, like, partnered with you in that.

And you didn't feel alone when you came home.

Everything was ready.

Go.

We were ready to rock.

And so that's what we did.

Yep.

So we partnered.

Yeah.

And.

And here's what I want to, like, close on just to encourage everybody.

So I.

I really believe that what marriage is is two people trying to out serve each other.

So, like, I'm.

I'm trying to out serve you.

You're trying to out serve me.

Like, to be honest with you, I don't care about nails, but I've gone to the nail salon with you, and I am their favorite.

Yeah, they love you.

I tip them really well.

And, you know, they're trying to massage my neck and all this weird stuff because they're like, we love this guy.

And but.

But the thing is, like, that's your world.

Matter of fact, I feel awkward.

You are very.

In fact, they like, like, at the nail salon, they try to give you this, like, 22nd, like, massage at the end, like.

And you are so uncomfortable.

You're like, please don't.

Yeah.

Or the times that I've gone to you, gone with you to, you know, the.

The shopping, little, you know, and you know, I hate it, but I'm entering your.

And there's something about that.

Like, I'm entering your space.

I'm entering your world.

I'm caring about what you care about.

I love that.

And so, you know, as we come to a close, I.

My prayer is that as we.

We have bared our souls, we've laughed hysterically, we've cried, we've told you some of our weirdest stories.

Yes.

Don't let your men.

Men, do not let your pursuit of purpose cause you to become unfaithful.

And then women, don't let your need for faithfulness actually cause you to not be a partner.

Come on.

You said that.

Good.

I'm just trying to help y' all.

You said that, too.

Good.

Yeah.

No notes.

Yeah.

Come on.

No.

No.

Well, we're living the nose.

We're living it.

And I think sometimes we put so much emphasis on these cleverly crafted Sermonettes and all this stuff.

And there's a place for that.

I mean, I prepare.

I spend about 20 or 30 hours a week on the sermons that I preach on Sunday because there's thousands of people that need that fresh manna.

They need the meat of the word.

And I.

I take that very seriously.

And that's why millions of people cumulatively listen to the sermons on Sunday, and we feast on it all week across all of our locations.

And, you know, but for this format, I felt like the greatest value we could bring is, like, if you were able.

And a lot of times it's like, oh, I wish that you could help us.

You know, we get that mess by the hundreds.

In my inbox, my ministry inbox, it's literally couples.

If you could just have one meeting with my husband, one meeting with me.

And so I was like, let's do four.

Let's do four.

You're invited to my living room.

This is all the stuff we would literally say.

This is what we would say.

We wouldn't have a.

And that's why we did this.

And we'll keep going.

Marriage refreshers, all that.

So thank you for letting me be your husband.

Thanks for being married to me.

Thanks for staying with me through the toxic era.

You were my first subscriber I was ever.

And thank you for, well, sort of letting me learn and figure it out in front of you.

Yeah.

And to everybody watching right now, you know, thank you for letting us figure this out.

I mean, we're.

We're far from perfect, but we're.

We haven't.

We're trying.

We're trying.

I mean, love God, love your spouse, you know, preach average.

Yep.

Because when you try to preach real extra, you end up in heresies.

Right.

So preach average, preach the word of God, and never give up.

And those are the hardest things to do.

There's many people who stay loving their spouse but stop loving God.

There's many people who love God, love their spouse, but then they get off into these wild heresies where they.

Because of the itching of their ears, they crave.

How weird can we get?

I'm good with preaching average.

It's like, hey, man, can you just.

Feast on the word every day and.

And not get such an exotic diet that you end up on heresies?

And then.

Or the last.

There's many people love God, love their wife.

They stay faithful to the scriptures, but then they give up.

And so it's like my impartation to every single one of you watching right now is those four things.

There's four episodes, and there's four things that we want to impart in you.

Love God, love your spouse, love the word of God, and never give up.

So I want to want to pray over each and every one of you right now.

Prayer of reconciliation and healing and restoration.

Father, I pray right now for each and every one watching, Lord, that you would divinely and sovereignly heal them.

God, I believe in the.

I don't believe in coincidences.

I believe in divine confirmations.

And the stories that were told, the lessons that were learned were all divinely deposited into the legacy of their family.

And I pray that children and grandchildren and great, great grandchildren are all going to be connected to their yes.

And Father, I thank you that what you put together, let no man separate.

Father, I pray for the unity in their marriage.

And I thank you, Lord, that as they continue to grow together, Lord, that you will refresh those who refreshed each other.

And Father, we thank you.

In Jesus name, amen.

All right, y' all, that's it.

That's a wrap.

We'll see you in the next one.