What Men REALLY Want in Marriage (It's Not What You Think!) | Feat. Pastor Julie Signorelli

Hey.

So I'm back again with my lovely wife Julie.

Say hello.

Hello.

This is what men really want and what Women really want part two.

And we're going to talk today about what men really want is physical touch and appreciation.

Okay.

What women really want is words of affirmation and.

Hugs.

I don't remember affection.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're gonna make a distinction between physical touch and affection and then appreciation and words of affirmation.

Okay, so we're gonna break this down and my wife and I have been married for almost 20 years.

We're gonna come up on 20.

We're, we're coming up to our 20th year very soon.

We've been together for 23 years.

Two.

22 years.

No, we were only together for two years before we got married.

Yeah, two years.

We were trying to jump start this thing.

And then We've got an 18 year old daughter and we have a 10 year old and we have a dog.

I hate.

Yeah.

Okay.

So poor star.

Yeah.

You're joining us from New York City and let's just jump right in.

We're not going to hold back.

You also need to know this.

We are not scripting this.

We.

As you can tell, there are no notes.

And the reason why there are no notes is because we wanted to be authentic and we wanted to teach with our lives.

And to be honest with you, I wanted to get the raw unfiltered, like, like, you know what I'm saying?

Because if you prepare it, my phone is dead.

I couldn't even, I couldn't even grab a note.

If I tried, he wouldn't even let me grab my notes or anything.

Yeah, because I wanted, I don't even have a teleprompter.

There's nothing you guys don't need.

Another Christian couple just saying stuff that sounds good.

Cuz a lot of these people, they're real good with their words, you know what I mean?

They got the word play and they're dropping all these one liners need to.

Do is I'm like, okay, your wife.

Yells at you, you guys hate each other.

I mean there's been times where we've been at marriage conferences and we're looking up front, we're like, these people hate each other.

So I just felt for me, for this we and, and listen, I just felt like the value would be what men really want and what women really want.

So let's break it down.

Okay.

So men want physical touch and they want like, you know, affirmation.

Okay.

Right.

So all men well, let's talk about it.

Okay, let's talk about that.

Because I feel like I would say when we first got married in our 20s, I would be like, yeah, you're right, that's, that's what they want.

But now I'm in my 40s and I counsel some, many women and I just, I feel like it's different in that diff in that other season.

So maybe you could enlighten me.

I don't know, maybe it's just a coincidence.

Marriages go through seasons, you know what I mean?

And I think that, like sometimes let me just empathize with all the men right now.

Yeah.

Because this is the podcast that I haven't heard.

Like the honest, real.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Well, like right now, nobody's coming to save us.

If you're a man right now, nobody's going to write you a check.

Nobody's going to buy you a house.

No, nobody's going to do it for you.

And by the way, you know, America, I'm speaking on behalf of the Americans, but I mean, my Canadian brothers are going through the same thing.

My European brothers are experiencing the same thing.

It's hard to be a man, right?

You, you can't just get a job and, you know, provide for your wife to be a stay at home mom and all that.

Like that is not the norm anymore.

You just go back one generation.

My dad, you know, he worked at White Cat or He worked at McDonald's when he was a.

Your mom worked at White Castle.

That's how you said it.

I know exactly.

Shout out all my white.

If you know what White Castle is, let me know your order in the comment section right now.

But McDonald's is where my dad worked as a teenager.

He graduated high school and got a job at a steel mill in northwest Indiana.

And this was in the 80s.

And guess what?

He made enough money to buy a house, buy a new car, and my mom was a stay at home mom.

This was of course, before they got divorced.

But one generation later, his son.

We are the generation of the side hustles.

Three jobs, you know what I mean?

Like, and, and so what?

The reason why I say that is because what a man really wants and what a man can do and what a man can have is different.

So like, yeah, in an ideal world, I would work one eight hour shift and, and I would work five days a week and I enough money for a house, a car and a stay at home wife and even to pay for college.

Like that was the 80s and we've.

In the last 40 years, in this nation and many nations of the world, it's like you could work three jobs and still not even come close.

And so a lot of men, their physical desires are connected to the reality of, like, I'm fighting for my life.

Tired.

I'm.

Yeah.

I'm emotionally tired.

I'm mentally tired right now.

Men are.

Are.

I don't know how to say this, so it doesn't trigger the algorithm, but there's a lot of men on the brink of giving up forever.

I'll put it like that.

Yeah.

And so that's why I think a lot of men retreat to the convenience of pornography, the convenience of whatever, because, you know, there it's.

It has become so difficult.

So why do I say that?

I know I'm starting this on a heavy note.

No, no, no.

I think this is good.

Honestly, I'm sick of the Christian podcast is like, all you got to do is have sex with your husband, and you're gonna be fine.

Yeah.

But it's.

It's really complicated.

It's not that simple.

So I think this is actually really freeing for a lot of women who listen to the same podcast that we all listen to, and they're like, ah, it's not my reality.

You know what I mean?

Like, I'm living something different than what these Christian books are telling me.

Yeah.

At least that's what I can say for what I am in touch with.

Yeah.

Right now, testosterone levels among men are incredibly low, and a lot of it is environmental as well, and a lot of it is, like, socioeconomic.

So dudes are just struggling, and that could affect that dynamic.

Who a man is well rested versus who a man is completely exhausted.

And so I think if you were to work together in a marriage, maybe it's like, go to the root.

So in other words, how can I create an environment of rest?

How can I create an environment of recharging?

How can I reduce or eliminate other responsibilities?

Because I know they're working so hard now.

If you're a dude and you're not out there grinding and you're not out there working, you've got a whole nother problem.

Yeah.

And we know that that doesn't fit the profile for all men.

Like, there are some men who are like, I'm fine, bra.

And they're in the comments like, okay, good for you.

Great.

We're proud.

I just wanted to bring up the fact that there's this whole other group of men that when they listen to that stuff, they need to hear, like, man.

It's like, I want to be a man after God's own heart.

I want a godly marriage.

I want that part of my life to be fulfilled.

But it's.

It's complicated, you know, abuse and all those things.

I remember we tried the let's do it every day challenge.

How long did that last?

Day three.

We were, like, over it.

No, it wasn't day.

No, maybe it was day.

I don't.

I don't know.

I think I.

It.

It was been a while.

But we.

At one time, we were like, let's just.

You know what?

We're going to do it every single day.

And I remember we got to a certain point, we're just like, dude, this is exhausting.

Everyone's tired.

No one's into.

No, I mean, we got pretty far into the challenge, I think.

Yeah, I think we did.

I'm remembering more and more.

Yeah.

But.

But my point is, like, finding the frequency, the duration, the type, the.

All that stuff matters.

Matters.

You know, sexuality is incredibly complex.

So there's sometimes where, like, a good man, I believe, wants to, like, cause his wife to, you know, try to, like, word this in such a way.

I'm like, try.

Keep the video up, please.

If the moderators are listening, if the YouTube.

I started laughing like, I'm 12.

Every man wants their wife to experience enjoyment.

See, this is why we didn't script it, because this.

But.

Okay, I'm gonna make a point here.

I'm gonna make a point.

Sometimes the counterbalance to that is camera.

If.

Yeah, you just go ahead and look.

The counterbalance to it is.

If you think that it's going to be a big production, then that might even be exhausting.

The pressure.

And the pressure of it to where you're like, man, like.

Because I.

Because I want to do a good job, which means that I am ensuring that you are enjoying it, which I.

I will.

I don't know if you want to.

I don't know if you want to help me here, but I typically do a pretty good job.

A plus.

But then sometimes there needs to be this.

Hey, you know what?

I'm gonna.

As your wife.

It's gonna be selfless.

Yeah.

So that you don't have to, in your mind, think, okay, I've got to allocate all this time, energy and effort.

Because when you're, like a Sicilian male, you know, you're like, I'm romantic.

I'm.

You know, this is gonna be full passion.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

The full.

So, like.

But again, so what I'm saying is sometimes there's not anything wrong with your intimacy.

There's something wrong with the type, the, the frequency of it.

You know, it's like.

And so adding that variety of being like, hey, you know what?

Mike does want physical touch, but he doesn't want to have to go through the whole menu because right now there's a lot going on.

So like we're.

And we've done that in different seasons or even different weeks.

Yeah.

Like one week is the full menu.

Then another week is only one thing from the menu.

Another week's theory.

Stop using menu.

So weird.

Well, because I want to introduce a level of complexity.

I'm so glad I know because that's what I feel like we need in the kingdom right now.

Is that menus?

Hey, we put the menu in the description.

No, but it's like it, it is so complex.

I mean, you think about a lot of trauma, especially from childhood, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate.

It doesn't surface until sometimes you're in your 40s or you.

You just get the courage to talk about it till late at least.

This is from, you know, people who I've discussed it with.

Like very few people have dealt with that in real time.

They're usually dealing with it much later.

So.

So it's like all that could play a factor.

Work, finances.

We're in a hard economy.

Yeah.

Cuz I don't have.

That isn't my thing.

So I want to understand what you're saying is there's people who've experienced trauma.

Yes.

That affects their intimacy, but they never address the trauma.

Right.

Okay.

I just want to make sure I understand.

I thought I said that, but maybe I was stuck on menus.

Well, of all the wounds that I've incurred in life, thankfully that's not one of them.

Right.

For me.

So I want to make sure I understand.

So you're just saying.

Yeah, there are some people that you might think that your spouse doesn't want physical touch.

Yeah.

I'm talking to more people.

But in fact, it's just the trauma.

There's a wound there that needs to be addressed and you're taking it personally.

Okay.

And then what was that thing you said after that?

So it's like.

So you're saying there's that stage of life.

What do they call it?

Perimenopausal?

Menopausal.

Yeah.

Know there's different seasons and phases of life.

Pre pregnancy.

Yeah, I was just going to say empty nest.

I mean, there's so many different seasons that we go through.

And so I guess my question for you, if it's okay to take it here is how what does that look like?

What, what can we do as women when men are going through all those different seasons?

How can you encourage women to stay encouraged?

You know?

Yeah, I mean, I think that I'm going to say something you probably won't hear on these Christian podcasts is, you know, sometimes the best lead up to physical intimacy is try not to get triggered on the.

But is actually, you know, non sexual physical touch.

So like in public, you know, showing, showing affection in public, holding hands, those, those silent gestures of, you know, the way that a woman holds a man, treats a man, caresses a man, flirts with a man.

Like, you know, people, I think oftentimes just try to portray men as animals.

Like one, oh yeah, like, oh, dude.

They just want to go in the room and just, you know, they're complete animals.

There's not.

The truth is, and this is why there's such a phenomenon happening of like the work wife is.

There's so much tension, you know, good tension, but it's, it's unrighteous because they're not married.

But like, there's this woman on the job and you know, you're, it's like, you know, the flirtation and the, the small touches and it's all adding up and that's part of it.

And so I think that for men, it's.

What's weird is oftentimes you get married and all of the things that created the physical tension that you were like, oh, I can't wait to do this, all those things are removed.

And ironically, none of those things were sexual.

And so it's like a lot of times guys.

And right now there's, I'm telling you, there's thousands of guys watching this right now being like, bro is telling our playbook.

Like, they're watching me right now being like, he's literally telling them, you know, I mean, you know, I don't know if he should even be explained, but it's like, I'm telling you the secrets to a man is it's like, you know, we like women who are flirtatious, women who are like jovial and happy and like, because what happens is before you marry, like before you marry a woman, the.

That's what they're doing around you.

Like a woman who is interested in you, her voice gets higher.

Yeah, she's bubbly.

She like, she's laughing, she's shy, a little Bit.

She's hiding her face.

She's like, you know, there's ways women that women act.

Yeah.

And, and so like they touch their hair.

I'm like, but you know, there's all these things and men instinctively pick up on it.

Yeah.

Oh, I think she likes me.

You know, like, I think she's digging me.

And like there's all that.

And that produces like sexual tension and you want to.

And actually it activates a man to be a hunter.

Like, I want to pursue her more because she's giving me some clues that I think she might be interested in me.

And there's that game.

And then ironically, what happens in marriage is that whole thing gets deleted.

And a lot of it's because the woman doesn't feel those feelings anymore.

Like, and some of that's good, you know, because like when you're dating you feel like all those tingling, you know, the women.

Butterflies in my stomach.

And I'm so nervous around him.

Like you can't live in that feeling, but you should live in that activity.

Yeah.

So it's like, it's like you don't feel the butterflies like you used to all the time because that's kind of weird.

You know what I mean?

Let's.

Nerve wracking.

You know, like when you're like, I.

Still, I feel like that when you come home, like, yay.

Yeah.

You know, but that's rekindled.

It's work.

You know, it's like we've worked at that and I'm so glad you brought that up because that's a conversation that we've talked about a lot in our own marriage.

Like you'll, I'll say things like, oh, I wish you would do this.

Remember how we used to hug when we were dating?

Or go, I don't know, little things like, like you said, like non sensual touching.

Right.

Like rubbing, you know, playing with my hair, stuff like that.

And then you've also brought up like, hey, I really like when you are engaged with what I'm talking about and you're talking back to me and it's like you think those things are on autopilot in marriage, but you actually just go on autopilot and you stop.

Like you just start existing.

Lot of it's survival, you know, I mean, it doesn't come from like me waking up in the morning and think, how can I make him feel insignificant by not laughing at his jokes and not, you know, engaging flirting or whatever.

A lot of it's like, I have this to do list.

I have to get this done, I have to take these things, you know, off of his plate, or we gotta make dinner or whatever.

You know, like, we start burdening with responsibility.

But I think the cool thing about dating is, is you never have to find the time to do that.

It just comes out of you.

And so I think in marriage you have to find the time to do that.

Like, it does change.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Well, yeah, because when you're dating, you prioritize.

I remember that I drove 400 miles in one day to take you to Red Lobster.

Yes, you did.

And I was a college student.

I lived 200 miles away.

And.

And I drove four hours, took you to a restaurant, fed you cheddar bay.

Biscuits, which shout out, we miss you, Red Lobster.

Yeah.

And then I drove 200 miles back and.

And, like, you know, but it's funny because you can get married and not be willing to drive 20 miles.

It's so true.

So it's like.

And I think that that's part of it.

And so that's all physical touch.

I think that women also, there's a tenderness that they want from a man, you know, to feel, but, like a firmness.

And correct me if I'm wrong, because I want to ask you about that.

But, like, you know, there's a lot of times where, especially now, you literally just want or need a hug from me.

Oh, at least twice a day.

Yeah, but I think you, like, at least you deal with your own fears, you deal with your own insecurities.

Matter of fact, sometimes it breaks my heart thinking about the women who can't get those hugs.

I know single women who, like, just feel that desire but don't have it.

I suppose that in this season, that's God's way of saying, like, learn how to let me embrace you.

Because man is fallible and, you know, flawed, and I'm never going to be enough.

But I also think that going back to the Genesis 3 account of creation, like, imagine when I imagine when Adam held Eve, he was holding an extension of his side.

And when Eve held Adam, she was holding her origins.

Like, literally this.

I'm going back to where I came from.

Like, if you think about the mystery of oneness in marriage, when Eve hugged Adam, she was reconnecting her flesh to the flesh she was made from.

Like, it was like a puzzle piece being put together.

And so I do think that for as much as we need a relationship with God, the one thing I want to emphasize is that God had a relationship with Adam.

Adam had a relationship with God.

And it will.

It was still not enough to satiate his longing and his loneliness and God created companion.

So I think for, you know, for you, you have a relationship with God but you still need a husband.

Yeah, I, I have a relationship with God.

I still need a wife.

So you know, you need a hug probably twice a day at least, you know.

Yeah.

There's times where you just need me to rub you.

Yeah.

Tickle you.

Yeah.

Like you play with my hair.

And what is that like?

Because there's a lot of women watching right now, but there's a lot of men that I'm speaking to who, you know, they might be thinking about the menu but they're not thinking about.

Yeah.

Like th.

Those things as well.

Yeah.

I think there's.

If I were to unload on you every thought I had in a day like you couldn't handle it.

There's no way.

And so I think sometimes like when you do, like when you're hugging or when you're, you know, like if you like play with my hair or put your hand on my leg or something like that, there's some at least for me.

And I don't even know, I don't even know how biblical this is.

I mean I hope it is but like emotionally when we're like engaging physically like in those non sensual touching, I feel like a lot of that tension that I have in, in the day.

Fears like you said, insecurity.

Oh, I'm not good enough.

My, my, I can't keep my house clean enough.

I can't.

My, I'm feeling with my kids, I'm feeling with my job.

Like you know, these are just thoughts.

Women, I don't know if men have these but like all day long and women, you can comfort me in the comments if I'm not telling it right.

But it's like sometimes when we engage like that, a hug, it makes me feel like you're going to be okay.

You're doing.

It's like we're communicating without communicating.

It's comfort without you having to comfort me or saying anything.

And it's kind of just like I can't even process this, these thoughts out loud because it's just too, it's just too much at the end of the day.

It's like when we come together and connect in that way it like does something for.

It like encourages my heart, you know.

I don't know if that puts like language behind it.

Does that make sense?

Well, I think a lot of times men think we're so logical that we just think, oh, I need to logically say something to convince my wife.

Okay, so, like, your fixing a.

If this.

If this is good.

Men love to fix things.

I know my husband.

When I'm like, no, no, no, just listen.

Yeah, I have a solution for all her problems.

He's, like, sweating.

Like sweating.

Trying to listen.

I have.

It's all figured out.

Yes, yes, always.

But when you hug me, you're fixing something in me.

Like, you are fixing something.

Yeah.

It's something only you can fix.

It's only in the context of our marriage relationship and our marriage covenant.

And it's like you're fixing a problem that you don't even know exists in my heart.

That's how I feel.

Yeah.

And that's powerful.

And I think that a lot of men need to learn.

And if you're watching right now, and I want to speak to the men that you know, for as much as you are a good communicator and you're logical, it's actually something that's going to seem counterintuitive and illogical.

That's going to work the best, which is a physical embrace because it.

It.

That produces in and of itself, safety.

Yes.

And I do.

I tell you all the time, I.

We're really good.

I mean, you guys were 20 years in of making a ton of mistakes, and we're getting a lot better.

So I don't want you to feel like we're light years ahead of you.

We're probably not.

We're probably only a few steps ahead.

But I will say that's something we've gotten really.

We've gotten better at, is just constantly verbalizing, like, hey, when you do that, that really helps me.

That really encourages me.

Or, you know.

Yeah.

Not.

I agree.

And I think a lot of arguments can be solved by giving your wife a snack and by hugging her, which to me sounds like how you care for a puppy.

You know what I mean?

It's like the same.

It's literally the same prescription.

Like, and what.

Give them a treat and start.

Scratch them, you know?

Yeah.

But, like, it's funny because women's brains are wired differently than men, and you are thinking a lot of complex thoughts all day.

And there's something about, you know, there's that phenomenon where women's brains can, like, almost turn off in the presence of the right man.

And there's a lot of viral videos where women are, like, when my husband's driving, I have no idea where we're going, how we're getting There, I don't care.

Airport.

Airports can't help you.

Yeah, it's because it's like the.

The presence of a strong man will make a strong woman feel like she's able to actually stop.

And I think that that's one of the biggest compliments is a silent or quiet wife in the presence of a man is almost an indicator of how much they trust you.

Yeah.

And so it's like, I've learned that over the years as well.

Like, you know, the fact that you don't know, you don't care is the evidence that you trust that.

I've got it locked down right now.

On the other hand, what I've learned is that.

And I'm going to really step into enemy territory.

Okay, but let me just say I.

I'm going into enemy territory.

I don't know what you're going to say.

I realize that women compete with other women even in their own mind.

We do.

Like, we do.

You do it on accident.

Oh, I'm not going to say what you said today.

But you literally, you'll say a statement.

Like, I'll say what I said.

Our house is clean.

You know, so and so wouldn't do this.

No.

And you, you gotta preface it.

Like, pull the mic up close for it.

So, you know, I'm not outing.

I'm just saying, like, men have their own problems.

You ain't telling no lie.

Men have their own problems, and I'm gonna out men.

I'm.

I'm doing it.

But when I.

What I've observed is that I get.

Into the nitty gritty.

Not just you, but all women.

No, no, but I want to give context because I don't want to make it about cleaning.

This was not about cleaning.

I get into nitty gritty, like church work.

Like, I will go outside and like, shovel, be dirty, like, lift things, move things.

Like, I just, I've always been like that.

And so today I had to get in, like, this gritty area, dig out this book.

Like, you know, I was finding something for you that you needed for, you know, your, Your ministry.

And I, I came upstairs and I dropped the book and I said, other women could never.

And I, you know, I was just like.

You basically said, pastor, so and so.

Got him.

But the thing was, what you were doing was you were comparing and you.

Were saying, I.

I know.

And it's almost like, like a woman doesn't necessarily have a problem with their house being dirty sometimes.

But if you find out another woman's house is clean, if I come over.

In your house, dirty.

I literally don't care.

Just so.

Right.

Yes.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Like, but I don't want you to come over to mine and it be dirty.

Yes.

So there's like this.

Yes.

Kind of comparison thing.

Like.

Right, right.

You got your hair done, but my roots are showing.

Then, like, I'm getting an appointment.

I make an appointment, I got to give up.

Right.

And I think that's why Louis Vuitton is explaining floating right now.

Because Louis Vuitton as a brand, it gives way.

We all went in there.

Yeah.

It's like a status.

It's like a, hey, you know, like, look, I.

I'm.

I got something going for myself, too.

Like, you know, and it's related to the social hierarchy.

It's related to the feeling of, like, how do I measure up against other women?

Do I work more, you know, or do I work less?

Do you know, do I have more grays or less grays?

Do I weigh more or do I weigh less?

And women.

What.

And I'm come.

I'm making a point.

So stay with me because, you know, I'm an encouraging preacher.

I end with encouragement, even if we got to do some surgery.

But the comparison is what.

It could cause some anxiety.

The comparison could.

It could cause even feelings of inadequacy because you're comparing.

How do I stack up against these other women?

Right.

Yeah, but the encouraging thing is, is that if you can get to the point where you're like, you know what?

God, this is my journey with my husband, my marriage, my relationship, my children, my house.

And there.

It's not even comparable.

It's like a thumbprint.

Your thumbprint is the only one.

There's 7 billion people, one thumbprint.

There's, you know, whatever.

There's millions of marriages, but there's only one of yours, that configuration.

And I.

Therefore, I'm not going to compare to anybody else.

Then you could say, who am I measuring against?

Myself.

Right.

And like, so what does that mean?

Sometimes the house is going to be dirty because this is my house.

And.

And the decision we made was to sleep instead of clean.

And that's okay.

Now, if it's always dirty, that's a problem.

But.

Or, hey, you know what?

I'll get my hair done when I get my hair done, or I'll let the grays out, because I'm going to rock the grays.

And that's the look I want to go for.

I'm not.

I'm just telling you.

But, like, More power to you if you are right.

But the encouragement is.

And I think the pro.

Like, the encouragement is if you'll embrace who God has called your family to be and stop comparing your family against another family.

Yeah.

Because that creates this artificial goal where it's like, don't try to be the signorelli because our life doesn't make sense for your life.

Right.

And our marriage may not like the way we do life and the rhythms and how we.

What's special to us may not be special to you.

You know, like, staying in is a better date night for us than going out.

But sometimes we go out.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

But like, when, when you ask, like, do you want to go out or stay in?

What do I always say?

Yeah, well, we are on the Lower east side of Manhattan.

The last time we went on a date, and I, this is the stupid millennial.

That was the last one.

And the funny thing was, was we.

I, I said, you know what?

We love Mexican food.

And so we looked up.

I looked up a place in the Lower east side of Manhattan because we live in Queens, and it was like, I want to have the best Mexican in my life.

So this place was five star rated every.

Every single review.

This place is amazing as the best ever.

We get there.

They, they, they put on, they put down on my plate boiled chicken.

We've determined that review was.

Well, here's what happened.

Then they pour the sauce over.

It was the worst food I've ever in my life.

And then I, I found online that all those reviews were a joke.

And that place is so bad that all the hipsters and the young people reviewed it five stars and did that as a tr.

Like, they trolling.

They're trolling you.

So it was the worst day we've ever.

I mean, the worst food we've ever had on a day.

Then we go walking down the street, there's that guy butt naked.

He was face down on the ground.

Yeah, he was okay.

Don't worry.

We checked on him.

And I thought, this is why I ordered door Dash.

Like, this is why.

But the thing is that for us, that's the season we're in.

Yeah, that's the.

What we're doing.

We work super hard.

We're tired.

At the end of the week, like, we're out and about running around.

And so by the time Friday hits, like, we're ready to be home.

Yeah.

And what I wanted to say to everybody watching right now is this is why words of affirmation are so important, because your spouse already feels like, they're failing.

And when you're critical, you're only contributing to the voice of criticism that's inside of their own mind.

So you're basically.

You're collaborating with the accuser instead of actually breaking them out of the accusation.

And so, like, women, you already feel like, how do I stack up against the other women?

You know, well, how is my body versus their body?

How is my hair versus their hair?

My nail versus their nail?

Yeah, we're listening to the demon as women.

We're listening to the demonic chatter all day long.

Now, of course, we try to cast down every thought.

We try to silence that.

But the reality is, is if you're a man watching, there is a plan against your wife from the enemy to destroy her, to destroy how she feels about herself, destroy her marriage, destroy her sex sexuality, destroy her confidence, destroy her motherhood.

So, like, don't partner with that.

If there is a genuine concern, try giving words of affirmation in the area that she is killing it.

Or maybe try encouraging her in the areas where she wants to kill it.

Like, for example, if she's struggling with her weight, you don't have to, like, don't buy her workout clothes.

Like, maybe just be like, hey, you know I love you.

I want to go on record.

Because they're like, he did what?

They're gonna.

You're gonna start some gossip.

He didn't buy me a treadmill.

He did not buy me workout clothes.

But if he did, I would cry.

Like, I.

I would not be encouraged by that, you know?

So you really have to ask the Holy Spirit.

And this is why I think the Holy Spirit is that it's a part of that threefold cord, right?

Yeah.

And a threefold cord is not easily broken.

There is a husband, a wife, and the Holy Spirit.

And the Holy Spirit will literally tell me or help me.

Like, when I do want to be disrespectful, when I do think, like, okay, he's had a stressful day, but I know he needs something.

What does he need?

He may not even know what he needs.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit will be like, just celebrate.

Yeah.

Or just go to bed and leave him alone.

Like, there's.

Sometimes that's a strategy, but I always ask the Holy Spirit, and I think, like, for your wife, asking the Holy Spirit, show me how I can encourage my wife today.

I can't tell you how many times you've prayed that prayer, and you've come home and been like, hey, I did this thing, or you shot me this text, and I Would respond with, oh, my gosh.

I just prayed about that.

You know, like, I don't know if you can think of a couple different.

There's been many times.

Many times I've just said, lord, you know, give me an encouragement for my wife.

Yeah.

And it's funny because there's a lot of men that are in these, like, weird codependent men's groups where, you know, they encourage each other all day.

Yeah.

And they don't.

They don't extend the same encouragement to their own wife.

Brother, we're in this together, brother.

Well, your brother's not going to sleep with you tonight.

At least he shouldn't.

Yeah.

Like, you know what I mean?

You're literally.

You're literally.

The Bible says, wash your wife with the word washer with the word.

You talked about the thoughts that run through your mind all day that needs to be washed with the word.

Right.

And so you've got men who are washing each other with the word, and grand group to chats that don't wash their own wife with the word.

It's a problem.

And you.

I'll tell you why.

Because boys know how to be brothers, but men know how to be fathers.

And when a father is ruling their home, they're the king of their own castle.

And they have to say, under my leadership in this place, people are going to be safe.

They're going to feel loved, they're going to feel cherished, they're going to feel valued.

They're going to be challenged at times.

Right.

But they're also going to know that nobody has their back more.

Nobody loves them more than I do.

And here in the Signorelli home, I'm the king of the castle.

And that's not.

But.

But when I say that that's not the top position, that's the bottom position.

Right.

That's me saying I'm at the lowest position.

I'm the one pushing everybody else up every.

Let the greatest among you be the servant.

So it's like, I'm encouraging my.

Like, I should be the lead encourager.

I'm.

I'm the one that says, hey, you know what?

You know, you guys all are tired, but I'll go an extra mile.

Yeah.

You know, you guys are exhausted.

And how many times does that happen?

Oh, so many.

I mean, I can't tell you how many times.

Like, a few weeks ago, you know, one of our kids was sick with a fever, and I'm one of those parents, like, I cannot sleep when they have a fever because I don't know, I just.

It's.

I.

My instinct.

It won't let me.

And I had been up three nights in a row with a sick kid with a fever, not sleeping, and you came in, and it makes me cry because you had a really long week and a really hard week, and you came in and it was like, closing in on Sunday, too.

So this is like coming into the weekend where you need to be, like, your strongest.

And you're like, babe, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna take care of this.

You're going to sleep.

You're gonna shut your door, you're gonna go to bed, and I got this.

I'll wake you up if I need you.

And I had the best sleep of my life.

It was so great.

And you just handled it, and you checked on her.

You took her temp.

You did all the things that I would have done.

And I know you were tired, but you served us in that way.

Yeah.

And you got it.

And there's many, many stories of that.

That was just recently.

You're a man, you know, it's like.

It's just part of it, and that's what you chose to do.

And so it's like words of affirmation are, you know, encouragements.

Because I.

I think for me, and I struggle with this because I, you know, it's not that I'm critical, but I'm very, very like, precision.

I know how to, you know, do things.

So I'm like.

I see it.

I'm like, okay.

Because I treat myself that way.

You know what I mean?

Like, I need to.

And you don't like people fluffing you up?

No.

Like, just get.

Shoot it to me.

Matter of fact, like, don't give me any fluffs on me.

Yeah, the most.

And it does work.

Personal trainer who comes over to the house now to help me with, you know, because I'm.

I had a lot of injuries, like, physically, so I.

I was, like, having a hard time working out because I had a shoulder injury, a knee injury.

Back one.

Yeah, back.

You know, just injuries.

So, like, this guy comes over and it's.

He.

There's no compassion.

No.

It's like, hey, do this.

You're doing it wrong.

But.

But for me, I fire up.

But sometimes when you treat your wife like the drill sergeant, she doesn't get inspired by that.

She actually gets uninspired and she shuts down.

Yeah.

I've had to remind you a couple times, like, hey, we're all girls in this house.

Like, Mike doesn't have, like, feminine, like, Inner, like, there's nothing feminine about you.

Like, you're not soft around the edges.

Like, even when you, like, like, tickle, like, it hurts.

Like, it doesn't even.

It's like you're, like, rough, you know, and so you're rough in your communication.

And I'll have to remind you, like, hey, we're all like little girls in here.

Like, you're talking to us like we're Navy seals.

We're just looking at you, like, too much.

That's funny.

And you, I, I, I love how having girls, you know, we don't, we don't have boys has, like, softened you.

And so it's been really fun to watch that over the years.

And now as they're older, they, like, the tougher.

Especially our littlest really responds to, like, tougher.

Like, communicate.

Like, she likes it.

She kind of gives it back, and it's, like, really cute.

So I don't know.

Yeah.

And I think, like, what we learned from this one.

Yeah.

Is that when, when it, when we say that a man desires physical touch, what does that mean?

We delved into all the complexities of it when we talked about, like, a woman needs physical touch.

Like, we talked about how that's connected to your mind psychologically and, you know, kind of like how.

And then we talked about communication verbally and how we serve each other, you know, with affirmation.

Like, you're someone where if I start, like, encouraging you and affirming you and pumping you up, it'll make you want to work out more.

Oh, my gosh.

But if I start talking to you the other way, I'm like, I will.

Just go gain £40.

Don't care.

Gain £40.

Just.

So.

It's like, I used to think, like, yeah, man, I'm just gonna tell her straight to her face, girl, you got.

And she's like, oh, yeah, I'm on my way to Dunkin Donuts right now, and you're eating a revenge donut.

And you're like, keep talking because I'll keep eating.

You keep talking, I'll keep eating.

Well, but I've learned that encouragement works for you.

And, and you know what's funny?

And I'm going to end on this.

You know, the lowest form of prophecy in the New Testament, if you read the scriptures, is exhort and encourage.

I was, okay, look, let's go to the wide angle.

I'm holding my hand.

Tell you.

And Julie's like, you're doing something weird.

This is.

It just looks so.

This looks weird on camera.

If I go like this.

Yeah, I'm holding my leg up.

People have like a whole theory about that.

I don't know, like, what's a theory?

Probably some new age thing you're doing.

You're so silly.

I just know how they, they're bored.

They gotta think of something.

I was trying to do it without.

Hey, you don't.

Don't hold your leg.

A trauma response.

I know it's because, like, you got like low key nervousness, but I'm like, stop doing that.

Well, my wife has seen Me garner like 70 million views online, and unfortunately, people pick apart every single thing you do and they attribute meaning to it that's not there.

Right.

And so you probably are trying to avoid me getting a video coming out about how I did Namaste or something on or whatever.

I was, I was really just holding my leg up.

I was trying to figure out where is it going through.

So speaking of.

Yeah.

Physical.

But yeah.

Just to wrap.

And we're gonna do.

We have two more episodes.

I know this has been an incredible journey.

And you know what?

This, the fact that we're laughing together.

Like, did you know that there would be another couple where if the guy was like, you know, holding his leg and the woman thought it was weird, that could be a full blown argument.

Yeah.

I do want to say, like, that in and of itself was an object lesson because I don't have any ego about me.

I'm not.

I don't take things personally in an offensive way.

And we laughed about it.

Right?

You got the giggles.

I got the giggles from it.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

But.

But you've seen the guys who blow up over the.

That kind of stuff.

Yeah.

And they're just.

It says.

And so it's like, I guess the lesson from this is you get to choose how you react and it's always a choice.

Yeah.

And anger and bitterness and rage and ego and pride.

Makes you feel like you don't have a choice.

Right, Right.

But you actually, it's like, yeah, whatever.

I.

You know.

Yeah.

And by the way, if you are like one of those Christian marriage speakers and you talk about how you're not supposed to blow up on your wife, but you do blow up on your wife.

We could tell.

I don't do that.

No, you don't.

I'm saying we can tell.

Oh, yeah.

All the time.

We're like, yeah, that guy tells his wife, shut up.

Shut up.

Just shut up.

I feel like this podcast is just for us.

Yeah.

Have a good time.

No, you know what?

This is good for people.

I think so.

I think it's good.

Yeah.

And what I was closing on, this is why you don't get invited on my channel.

I'm done.

I know, I know.

No, but I love you and I'm glad you're here.

Is that the words of affirmation are so necessary because the lowest level of prophecy is exhortation and encouragement.

And there's been many times where I've went to go encourage you.

And I started and I started with encouragement and it ended with prophecy.

And I really believe that there's a lot of men that need to start trying to encourage their wife.

You know, I don't know if you're ready to share that testimony publicly, but.

Like, I was just thinking about that.

Yeah, go ahead.

Let's save it.

You can save it.

Okay.

Cliffhanger.

Yeah, cliffhanger.

Let's save it.