Oct. 19, 2025
Navigating Anger: Davina Hehn's Guide to Emotional Intelligence and Parenting
Send us a text In this enlightening episode of Living the Dream with Curveball, we are joined by Davina Hehn, a trained therapist turned mental health coach and professional friend. Davina shares her transformative journey from struggling in her marriage and parenting to becoming a beacon of self-advocacy and emotional regulation. She delves into the pervasive issue of anger in today's society, discussing how it is often misunderstood and mismanaged. Davina emphasizes the importance of emotio...
In this enlightening episode of Living the Dream with Curveball, we are joined by Davina Hehn, a trained therapist turned mental health coach and professional friend. Davina shares her transformative journey from struggling in her marriage and parenting to becoming a beacon of self-advocacy and emotional regulation. She delves into the pervasive issue of anger in today's society, discussing how it is often misunderstood and mismanaged. Davina emphasizes the importance of emotional literacy, especially for parents, and how modeling healthy emotional responses can break generational cycles of repression and conflict. Listeners will gain valuable insights into the difference between suppressing and regulating anger, as well as practical strategies for improving communication and conflict resolution in relationships. Additionally, Davina introduces her innovative parenting versus partnership quiz and highlights her upcoming anger archetype quiz, aimed at fostering self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Tune in for a conversation filled with actionable advice and inspiration that encourages us all to lead our lives with curiosity and compassion.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Welcome to the Living the Dream podcast with Curveball. if you believe you can, achieve.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Welcome to the Living the Dream with Curveball podcast, a, show where I interview guests that teach, motivate and inspire. Today I am joined by trained therapist turned, mental health coach and professional friend, Davina Hayne. Davina focuses on teaching us how to advocate for ourselves without causing collateral damage, regulating our nervous system, and raising kids in ways that can be repeated. So we're going to be talking to her about everything that she's up to and the method to her madness. So, Davina, thank you so much for joining me.
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> Davina Hayne>My pleasure, Curtis. Thank you for having me.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?
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> Davina Hayne>Yes. So, as you shared, I am a trained therapist, turned coach. I experienced, an existence where I found myself unhappy in my marriage and struggling within parenting and really not finding the joy in it in a day to day basis. And so I started applying what it is that I teach. shocking, I know, to actually practice what I'm preaching, but it has led me here to where I help people advocate without, of course, causing that collateral damage and repair and rebuild marriages in ways that don't save the things that aren't working for us, but instead help us rebuild and rewrite the narrative so that we get to actively choose what comes next.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, why do you feel like, you know, there's a lot of anger seeming to go on in our world today?
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>So why do you feel like people struggle with anger so much and managing it?
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> Davina Hayne>Well, a lot of it comes from a lot of the same narratives that we were likely raised with that say that anger is something to be ignored or suppressed, and that if we feel it, then there's something inherently wrong with us. And with anything that we try to suppress and run away from, it will eventually catch up and rise. And so the, the methodology, the, the way that we want to start viewing this is, is how can I utilize this as the tool that it was meant to be? Instead of something that's shameful and only leads to aggression and ultimately that leads to regret. So when we're hyper fixating, when we're, when we're trying to control something that is intrinsically built within us, we are going to error time and time again and misunderstand and mismanage the messages that it's trying to send us.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, as parents talk about how we can break generational cycles of emotional, repression as well as explosive conflict.
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah, I mean, for me, I'm a Parent of two boys.
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> Davina Hayne>They are nearly six and eight now. And the best way that I can even think of to, to rewrite these narratives are by embodying a new one. A lot of us grow up within, within a household where parents, you know, it's very much a, do as I say, not as I do. And the only way that we can create emotionally literate children who go on to be thriving, well adjusted adults is by showing them a way to experience anger and, and navigate through it in a way that helps us meet our goals, that helps us feel proud of the way that we react and respond and promotes more, more mental health longevity. So with, without us understanding ourselves and the things that drive us and the way that we're wired and conditioned to behave in a certain way, we won't be able to raise well adjusted children who, who know how to navigate the hardships without getting completely overwhelmed by them.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Speaking of, anger, let's talk about the difference between actually suppressing anger and actually regulating it.
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> Davina Hayne>Yes. So this is one. Anger is my all time favorite emotion. It's my favorite topic. I of course find it to be deeply misunderstood and it very much goes against what we're trained to do as clinicians, which is to help us dig in deep to understand ourselves and be able to move through.
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> Davina Hayne>So when we're talking about the difference between, you know, regulating anger and suppressing it, managing it and suppressing it, it really comes down to how literate we are about anger in general. Right? When we, when something sparks within us, when we get that pang in our chest that tells us that something isn't right, it's not okay, and I'm not okay with it. What we don't want to do is just shove down that intuition, shove down that part of us that is just trying to keep us safe and protected and choose to do something else, with it, what it would actually look like is recognizing the pang and buying ourselves even milliseconds before we react so we can decide whether it's something worth reacting so big to, right? And the part of our brain that anger triggers, it is our survival. And so when we just get angry and we act on it and we lash out, we are going to behave in ways that are more likely to promote my ability to survive, which means being aggressive, shutting down, running away, and causing likely more damage long term.
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> Davina Hayne>But if we were to start leading with curiosity about ourselves, about where this comes from, about what kind of conditioning did I experience, what patterns do I typically follow when it comes to these Types of topics that flare me up, then we can start acting in prevention of these things as opposed to waiting for the big experience to come and then I lead or with some level of regret. So the suppression isn't about suppressing anger for the most part. We don't want to be suppressing anger. We want to rewrite our, our, our relationship with anger so that we can start listening to its whispers before it just starts to scream. For, for many of us, the way that we're raised is that when you feel angry, you lead. You either shut down or you lead with aggression. And because our emotions are energy in motion, anger is one of those that is just so powerful and it builds this fire within us that ultimately we want to be able to express but without really getting emotionally literate. So we're going beyond just anger management and we are creating an anger intelligence, an emotional anger literacy so that I understand it to its deep, to its finest, most granular level. And then I can begin to regulate what happens in my body when I experience it. And the way that I allow, ah, for that energy to be released. Really, at the end of the day, we're looking for a way to have our needs met while also not losing ourselves or our relationship in the process. And without a deep understanding of it, we will likely error time and time again, suppress it even more until ultimately it volcanoes and we behave in a way that harms either ourselves or others.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, let's talk about the biggest mistake that parents make when trying to teach our kids emotional regulation.
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> Davina Hayne>Oh, yeah. one of the biggest mistakes that parents make is forgetting that our emotions aren't the problem. Right. A lot of the time we will diminish our children's experience with their own anger, likely because we don't know what to do with it.
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> Davina Hayne>We likely run away from ourselves. And so how can I sit with and hold space for this little human who's having very raw, visceral, feral reactions to things? And, and it really comes from a modeling of how can I show them that their emotions are valid, their experiences are valid, and their emotions are not only, of course, that, that valid piece, but normal and expected and intrinsically part of who we are as humans and then be able to work through it. So for, for parents to teach emotional literacy, that it's going to be about helping our children understand what each emotion feels like in our body, how to listen to those, to again, those whispers, to those little hints that we get from our body, like our heart rate, like our breathing, like the, the static that we can feel in our chest when something doesn't feel right, so that they know how to identify each emotion in their body and then are able to know what, how to move through it. Right. What to do about it. And without us as the parent knowing what our triggers are, what the things that flare us up, what my patterning and my narratives about myself in the world are, we are going to raise, continue to raise generations of emotionally wounded children who grow up to be adults who are kind of left to fend for themselves when it comes to becoming literate. I, I very much encourage parents to, to emphasize the importance of anger intelligence in the same way that they do for, for intellectual intelligence. Right? In the same way that we teach our children how to read, which I am doing with my five year old right now.
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> Davina Hayne>In the same way that we are teaching them that type of literacy, that we also take it a step further and in an equally important way to teach them the literacy of emotions and how to break those down, how to utilize them as the tool that they are, as opposed to something that just happens to us.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>well, talk about your parenting versus partnership quiz and you know, kind of tell us about it, why you created it well, why it's important and talk about, you know, how that affects how we show up in relationships.
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah. So I have this anecdotal theory that many of us, if not most, are born to be one or the other, and that is between a partner or a parent.
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> Davina Hayne>Sometimes it's neither, and many times we can of course exist within both roles. But fundamentally, the way that we view the world and our position within it is, is likely within one of those two categories. And the way that I typically differentiate this is if you, if, if you grew up and, and you always knew that becoming a parent would fulfill you, if, if that was kind of always the job that you expected to be, was to be a mom or a dad, then that usually means that you were born to be a parent. If you more so lean toward partnership and collaboration and friendships and those types of things, you were likely, you are more likely to be born for parenting, for partnering. Excuse me. So the biggest difference, and the reason why I emphasize this is because with these couples that I work with that are typically at the, at the very end of their rope, likely at the brink of separation and really wanting to give it one last full try, not to save the marriage, but to rewrite it, it's important to, to see that each one of us is likely to view our, our, role within the marriage and especially if there are kids involved, how that affects the way that I react and respond. So what I what I often, most oftentimes see, which is where this, this theory came from was in my, in my coaching practice is we usually have one person who is born to be a parent who partners with someone who was born to be a partner. And what that looks like is throughout dating, throughout engagement and likely early marriage, if we follow a more, you know, quote unquote trad pathway, then things worked out right during, during our, our before parenthood time, we connected, we were intimate, we had play and our relationship. While of course it had its not great moments, it was mostly happy, content. And then a child comes, we, we choose or it happens and we, and we end up becoming parents.
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> Davina Hayne>And one partner almost always expects that our entire world has to be upended, that the child of course comes first and their role and their identity, their priority goes almost entirely to the child. While this other person who is likely born to be a parent is feeling left out to dry, is feeling like they no longer serve a purpose here, that, that this isn't a collaboration, this isn't a relationship and a marriage anymore. This is two people raising children. And when we view it through this kind of lens, we can see how the person who is born to be a parent, once they become a parent, their partner becomes more of a bystander, they become more of a task that needs to be met as opposed to the other. The one who was born to be a partner is feeling like we don't really need to change everything, right? So along with this, with this theory comes the person who is born to be a parent typically expects that, you know, 70, 80% of their entire lives have to be changed and we mold to the child because that is my identity and that's the way that I view the world as being this, this top priority. And the person who is born to be a partner, of course recognizes that the massive undertaking that becoming a parent, you know, is required and still feels like it's still us. And we've, we've made an addition to our lives so we don't need to change.
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> Davina Hayne>The vast majority, this 70, 80%, we can keep 70, 80% the same and acclimate right to the changes that becoming a parent demands of us. So when we see it from this perspective, we can see that each of us just has different goals and we aren't leaning in and collaborating in a way that allows for both of these goals to be met. And when we see that in practice When I've seen that even in my own marriage, I was definitely born to be a partner. My husband, we thought, was also born to be a partner. But after he took my quiz, he, he learned that he was born to be a parent. And everything has made so much more sense in our dynamics since then. And it really helps us understand just how different we are and that we.
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> Davina Hayne>There's really no wrong way of viewing our marriage and our parenting roles. It really just means that we view them differently. And as an example there, when myself, m, who was born to be a partner, I am more likely to feel like parenting the role of being a parent gets in the way of my marriage. And I can feel burdened by those responsibilities because I feel like it's weakening the relationship between myself and my partner, myself and my husband. People like my husband, who was born to be a, parent, they can feel like their partner's demands are weakening their bond with their child. And if we view it through that perspective, we can see that all of us are just seeking connection and an acceptance from each other and belonging and family. But the way that we're going about it, about doing that within the identity and what our motivations are on a day to day basis, that can really drastically change to where we are deeply misunderstood, to where our marriage does become more and more rocky over time because our priorities are just misplaced and not communicated.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Okay, well give us some best practice tips on, you know, when we're facing conflict, how do we prevent it from exploding, you know, right then or in that moment?
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah, I mean first and foremost I strongly suggest taking really learning more about yourself. It can be a bunch of quizzes. It can be my parent versus partner quiz. It can be my anger archetype quiz that that's about to be available here in the next few days. It's really just finding ways to understand yourself and your partner better. And really more than anything yourself better. As much as I work with couples primarily and we work through conflict and such, there's only so much work that we can do interpersonally, amongst us that the work that we are doing intrapersonally is responsible for. So in these moments of flare up, when we are leading into these moments with more knowledge of myself, more awareness, introspection, insight, attunement to myself and my needs and the way that I view the world, that's going to make me so much more likely to act within my values during conflict. The vast majority of us are operating on Autopilot, you know, 95 to 97% of our entire daily life is run subconsciously, unconsciously. We're kind of just moving through the day on this previous programming. And unless we aren't actively choosing where I'm going to place my energy and what behaviors, I'm, I'm targeting for modification, we will continue erroring in the same ways over and over. So when we do, if we are doing that work in advance, and that's of course super ideal, and we're working collaboratively and all of this, if we aren't, if we are new to this work and kind of just starting to get curious about ourselves, then when we start to feel those sparks happen in conflict, when as soon as our voices get raised or names, we start being called outside of our names or whatever this might be, as soon as we notice that flare up happening, that is our sign to just disengage. It can be walking out. I know typically the anger management advice that's given, it's good advice, typically says to take a deep breath and yes, sure. And in those moments of high conflict, if I'm already getting sparked, my rational brain is offline. It's quite literally called the amygdala, hijack. We are seeing our frontal lobe and be, be shut down by the survival parts of our brain. And when we look at it through that perspective and we understand more about ourselves and the what's happening neurochemically, we can see that it's not an unwillingness to stay calm, it's, it's in fact an incapability. So in those moments when the advice is just take a deep breath, sure. That's if I have that rational, logical part of my brain still online, and if it's not, I'm unlikely to be able to get to such a deep, level of regulation in that moment. Taking deep breaths when we are activated is incredibly challenging when we haven't been doing this work to prime our system for it. So when we are more hijacked and we are in more of a fight or flight, we want to do, something, anything to break that, that same patterning, that same loop that, that we tend to go on by giving us some sort of ability to disengage. So again, if we're talking about conflict with people that we live with or that we spend a lot of time with, I always encourage you to share with them, what you're working on. Right.
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> Davina Hayne>We recognize that our conflicts get really high when we, when we fight, we fight hard. When we love, we love hard. And I want to reduce the amount of fighting that we are doing. What I'm thinking might be helpful is next time we enter into an argument, let's make sure that when things get flared up, we take some time apart. We confirm that we're going to come back together. We confirm that we still love each other and that we want to make this work and be seen and understood by each other. And in the meantime, when we're physically, neurologically incapable of holding that space for each other and of, seeing each other more neutrally, this is what we can start doing in practice to disengage. And that's, of course, if both of us are on the same page. If we aren't, and if there's really only one of us that's trying to keep it regulated for both of us, then that's where I suggest having some sort of recognition within yourself that says, hey, I'm. I'm overwhelmed. I need five minutes, or I. I'm gonna say something I regret. I'm gonna step out. And as we start doing this work, one of my favorite kind of tricks and hacks is to put something on your hands. It can be something that you write in, kind of like Sharpie on the back of your hand. You can paint one of your nails. You can get a new ring or bracelet, but preferably something that's, like, more so on your fingers, on your hands directly in front of you. And what this will do is when you see your hands moving in front of you, like they tend to do when we're in conflict, you'll see this marker. You'll see this. This abnormality within your system, within your environment that will remind you of the work that you are doing. And so when active conflict comes up, you. You do have your hands in front of you. You see that? You clock it. You're. You bring that rational part of your brain back online, because the survival part is recognizing something that's. That's atypical.
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> Davina Hayne>And it will give you more of an opportunity to. To be able to stop the conflict in its tracks, gain some clarity while you take some time apart, maybe take some deep breaths while you're apart, and then come back together in order to attempt to repair.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, I know in your bio, you talk about how just communicate better is terrible advice. And we all say that, just communicate better. So what should we do instead?
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah, so I think it's about defining what communication really means. Right. A lot of the time, people think, like, I am communicating. I'm telling you what I think I'M speaking my mind. I'm just, I'm standing in my truth. I'm just being honest. But that's not communication. That's just talking at someone that's, that's allowing for your raw data that hasn't even been processed yet to be received positively by someone who is hearing this raw data for the first time. So it's not that we shouldn't communicate. It's that the way that we're actually speaking is either actually communication or it's just talking at each other. Communication is about sharing of information and coming up with solutions and really being collaborative in this way, not where we kind of just talk. And if the person interrupts us, then they are the wrong one. So I, I, constantly suggest that we work on our ability to be active speakers. We hear a lot about active listening, right of. Show good body language and posture. Show that you're receptive. Don't interrupt, nod, give them affirming, words that, that you're paying attention, right? Reflect back to them what they're saying. And there's really no focus on being an active speaker. And even if you Google active speaking, you're going to see people who are doing presentations and leadership roles or, or doing speaking engagements. But active speaking is also making sure that my communication lands, my message lands, that I am communicating with the person that I'm speaking to so that they can hear me best. And with that, with that in mind of being an active speaker, I am responsible for making sure that the way that I'm communicating, the tonality, my body language, the volume of my voice, and of course the words that I'm choosing, all, all work together to be received as best as possible. And it doesn't mean fawning, and it doesn't mean pretending like things don't bother you and becoming this passive individual. What it does mean, though, is knowing what is. Why am I saying this at all? What am I actually trying to achieve? What goal am I trying to, to correct what, what am I, what is my goal? Am I just venting? Do I want someone to give me a shoulder to cry on? Do I want them to just help me with solutions? Like what actually am I communicating for? And unless I'm advocating for some sort of resolution, what, like, what am I speaking about?
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> Davina Hayne>Like, how is this going to help us? So it is, of course, about sharing with each other what's happening for you. It's not about just sharing raw data at their expense and expecting them to be okay hearing it.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, tell us about any other upcoming projects that you're working on that people need to be aware of.
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah. So of course we have this, this quiz that's coming up. It's an anger arc archetype quiz. And what it's going to help us understand is because anger is a nuanced experience and there are so many different ways that anger can spark. What this quiz allows us, for us to do is to see what type of archetype, what archetype we carry. Right.
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> Davina Hayne>What ways do we react and respond when we are activated. So that of course is one of them. And what really my, my goal is with this quiz and even the parent partner quiz is to just give us a little bit of insight about ourselves in ways that we likely don't know. As a trained therapist I of course know how to do these things in very long, more prolonged timelines and the world that we live in doesn't quite allow for that. A lot of us want quicker answers. And while of course there is a very good, good reason to be in therapy and I've benefited from it greatly, many of us are really just lacking tools and education that is directly correlated to us and that's really what these quizzes allow for us to do. In addition to that, I have our shift live labs which are every Friday at
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00am Pacific Time where anyone can join. It's completely free through the end of the year. And we, we address certain topics. We, we do skills labs where we actually get to practice these things. So it's not just about the world that we live in right now, is more so just about consuming more and more information. But we get more and more disconnected from ourselves emotionally. This is about learning new and different information.
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And then the following week as it, as we're digesting these concepts, that following week we end up doing a live skills lab where we break down these things with real life examples and real life tool. We practice the work that we are learning how to do. So that is really just a community resource that I think a lot of us are missing is this level of community. Social media is no longer for socializing. It's more so for commiserating and finding reasons to be scared and overwhelmed in the world. And I want us to have a space to go to where we can of course find our study and, and be able to shift these narratives for ourselves and, and practice these skills in real time. And so that's where the, the shift live lab has come from. So everywhere I, I suggest when someone is getting into this work that they start with Smaller wins. We start with more surface level revelations and insights that will then prime us and our bodies and our nervous system in order to be able to hold bigger changes. And the belief that I'm, I'm capable of achieving bigger changes.
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And so that's more of, more of the shift side of my entire practice is small shifts, small wins, quick wins that help us recognize that we aren't inherently flawed, that anger is something that can be harnessed into something really beautiful and act as a compass for us in our experience.
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And, and we can live a life that takes us down the path of least regret as opposed to none at all.
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And so that's the very much the, the shift side.
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And then of course we have the steady side. That's more longer term work. That's 12 weeks of some groups, some one to ones. It really just depends on what you're looking to work on. But I very much suggest that first people start with the quizzes with some of these free and low cost workshops and resources that help us get familiar and start becoming a bit more emotionally literate so overall we can become more fluent and intelligent within it.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Well, throw out your contact info so people can keep up with everything that you're up to.
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah. So everywhere you can find me as a steady space. That's exactly why I named my practice what I named it. I'm really wanting us to have somewhere that we can go, we can find some balance and then go back out into the world. A lot of the time we view these things as Hail Mary's. And while of course every so often we have to get to that point, I did within my own marriage and my own experience. And I'm hoping we can start viewing this kind of work like oil changes, like maintenance, as opposed to waiting for the engine to combust. So everywhere you, you look, you will find me under a steadyspace. That's my handle, it's my website. All of it is about creating a place for study.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Close us out with some final thoughts. Maybe if that was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on or any final thoughts you have for the listeners.
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> Davina Hayne>Yeah, I mean more than anything, it's about leading our life with curiosity. The time is going to pass anyway. It's what I'm constantly reminding myself of. When this work feels so overwhelming and daunting and long and violent in our own minds, there's. The time is going to pass anyway.
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> Davina Hayne>And if you lead with curiosity about yourself instead of criticism or judgment or shame, you're going to be able to see the trajectory of yourself in. In a better, more, more positive, realistic light. So rather than looking for flaws or ways that you are inherently wounded or defective, what I want you to do is. Is lean into the curiosity.
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> Davina Hayne>Ask yourself where these things are coming from, what I can do for them, right? If you're thinking back to the last regret that you have, and you, likely, if there was a regret, you. You mismanaged something, maybe acted outside of your values, I want you to go back not only to look at what you did about it, right, that we could live in forever and we will never get out of that loop. It's more so about what were you looking to achieve, right?
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> Davina Hayne>Not just in the surface of it, but underneath it.
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> Davina Hayne>What was it that was in your way? What was it that that seemed to impede your goal? And what was that goal underneath it? And once you lead with curiosity about yourself to determine what that was beneath it, then you can find new and different strategies. You can trial and error in new and different ways so that it doesn't feel like, I'm just keep repeating the same mistakes.
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> Davina Hayne>We have to break that loop, that feedback loop, this. This programming and wiring that. That we were raised within and likely just reinforcing over time. And the only way to do that is by being curious with ourselves, by trying new and different strategies to regulate, new and different strategies to get to know myself and communicate with the people I love and even the people I don't love, and how to move through life with less regret, more steady, more ease, more balance. And again, the time is going to pass anyway. So from where I'm standing, we might as well take the energy that we're putting toward regret and refocus that energy into something that appears more positive than that.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>All right, ladies and gentlemen, a steady space.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>Check out everything that Davina's up to now. Go take that quiz. Keep up with everything that she's up to. Follow rate, review, Share this episode to as many people as possible. A lot of people can benefit from, the advice and the knowledge that Davina shared on this episode and follow us on your favorite podcast platform. And if you would like to be a guest or you know someone that would like to be a guest. For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball podcast, please visit www.craveballuh337.com thank you for listening and supporting the show. And, Davina, thank you for all that you do, and thank you for joining me.
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> Davina Hayne>Thank you so much. It's an honor to be here. I appreciate you.
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> Curtis Jackson (also known as DJ Curveball)>For more information on the Living the Dream with Curveball Podcast, visit www.craveball337.com until now. Next time, keep living the dream.
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