May 14, 2024

Living the dream with author and marriage expert Larry Bilotta

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In this heartening episode of the Living the Dream podcast with Curveball, we welcome Larry Bilotta, a marriage expert who transformed his own loveless marriage into a journey of self-discovery and healing. Larry shares his unique philosophy that it only takes one person to heal a marriage, and delves into his personal experiences, the 'Chaos Kid' phenomenon, and the concept of the 'Invisible Lifestyle'. Whether you're in a struggling marriage or simply interested in the dynamics of relationships, Larry's insights provide a beacon of hope and a roadmap for change. Tune in to learn how to navigate the stormy seas of marital discord and sail towards a harbor of love and understanding.

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> Speaker A>Welcome, um, to the Living the dream podcast with curveball. Um, if you believe you can achieve Chee Chee, welcome to the Living a dream with Curveball podcast, a show where I interview guests that teach, motivate, and inspire. Today, we're going to be talking about healing marriages, as I am joined by marriage expert Larry Belata.

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> Speaker A>Larry spent years in a loveless marriage until he decided to do something to turn it around. Now he is devoting his time to helping other people turn their marriages around. And his philosophy is, it takes one person to heal a marriage. So we're going to be talking to him about his experiences, everything he's up to, and how he's helping others. So, Larry, thank you so much for joining me today.

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> Larry Belata>Thanks, Curtis. It's good to be here. Thank you.

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> Speaker A>Why don't you start off by telling everybody a little bit about yourself?

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> Larry Belata>So, the little bit about myself is I spent, uh, what it was 40 years in a very difficult marriage, very hard marriage. The reason it was very difficult is because we had two completely opposite value systems. Because with the two value systems that are so different, uh, there's going to be trouble. But because I was built and designed by my parents to stay married and miserable, and she was built by her parents to be married and miserable, we, uh, stayed and we couldn't leave. We just couldn't leave. Like when you got those messages in your mind, uh, there's nothing you can do.

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> Larry Belata>You're kind of stuck. So that doesn't happen very often, but it happened with us. And so, uh, with all that misery, I had to do something.

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> Larry Belata>I had to do something because I was being held by my program. I couldn't run away. I was being, uh, tormented with this opposite value system to mine.

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> Larry Belata>Uh, and the reason it was opposite is because she was raised for conflict and I was raised for, uh, quiet and avoiding.

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> Larry Belata>And so when you have conflict and quiet and avoiding together, there's something bad is going to happen.

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> Larry Belata>So, uh, what happened with all that, uh, misery? I had to decide to become a learner and learn what was happening to me, and so that's what I decided to do. So this is a 40 year marriage.

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> Larry Belata>So I started when they impeached Richard Nixon. I'll give you some world event there. I started when they impeached Richard Nixon. And I left out, uh, the moment I moved out of that torment that I was in, uh, when they elected the second bush. And so when that happened, I finally was free of what I was free of my own inner turmoil. And so what was in my own inner turmoil. Uh, so my ego was tormenting me, and why I was so unhappy is because my ego was making my life miserable.

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> Larry Belata>So here on the outside, I had a wife who was making me miserable. And on the inside, I had a reactor reacting to everything she did. And that was the force of outside and inside. And that's actually what happens to everybody in an unhappy marriage. They have an outside person, which I call their pain provider, and they have an inside person, uh, which is, we, uh, know as the ego.

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> Larry Belata>And so the ego has ability to talk and tell you all kinds of ideas, and, uh, what those ideas are, are never good. The ego has been around for thousands of years, been written about for thousands of years, and it's never been complimentary ever.

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> Larry Belata>So that, uh, was a little snapshot of how I got here. I got here by going to the school of 40 years of difficult marriage.

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> Speaker A>And so, uh, are you guys still married? And if so, tell us how you kind of turned the tide to still be married.

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> Larry Belata>Well, so the snapshot story is, I lived 27 years in a marriage made in hell. But in the 28th year, I fell in love with my wife. And why did I fall in love with my wife?

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> Larry Belata>Because I fell in love with myself. When I fell in love with myself. Now, I could see things differently, and that's really what life is. It's about the ability to see things differently. And so, uh, what she ended up doing is dying, cancer, in 2019. And so, uh, when she died, that was the end of the whole 40 year saga. Uh, and so what I do now is, uh, I teach a course to men, and I teach a course to women. Uh, and what I like to call it is a right minded course. So we have the wrong mind and we have the right mind. And so I'm teaching the right minded thoughts of living in, uh, very difficult situations. So, really what I did is I picked up my life's experience and I put it into a course. And so that's what I'm teaching. I call it the environment changer.

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> Larry Belata>The reason I call it the environment changer is because we're changing the environment of our minds. And that's the most important thing. We're not changing the environment of our bodies. We're changing the environment of our minds.

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> Larry Belata>So that's where I am today.

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> Speaker A>Okay, talk about the chaos kid phenomenon. Explain to us what that is and how that contributes to the success or failures of marriages.

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> Larry Belata>So, chaos kids, uh, are something I developed as a phrase, uh, because what I started to learn about in my very difficult 40 year marriage is that whatever happens to you in your first ten years is setting up a set of messages that are built into your subconscious mind. Now, we don't understand what the mind is. We don't know what it is. We can't even photograph the mind. We don't know no image. We don't have an image of the mind.

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> Larry Belata>We actually don't know what it is. All, uh, we know is we have a word, and the word is mind. And so the subconscious mind, which we all know about, takes, uh, these messages, and they are messages from childhood. And so if you are raised in abandonment or abuse or neglect, uh, I call you a chaos kid. And when you have abandonment messages, abuse messages and neglect messages, now you're in chaos. And when are you in chaos? You're in chaos. When you get between 35 and 45, uh, and that's the general range. Between 35 and 45, you are going to have these childhood messages come for you. And when they come for you, they're going to create a real big turmoil. And so between 35 and 45, you kind of established a family, you've established a house, you're paying insurance premiums, you're mowing the lawn, you're doing all kinds of things. You've got, uh, your world, and that's when your intimate partner falls to pieces. Because the midlife crisis was not something you ever knew what it was. You didn't know what a midlife crisis was. You didn't know that this person was contained in their subconscious mind.

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> Larry Belata>The ideas that we created a midlife crisis. So that's what a chaos kid is. Chaos kid is a person who has abandonment, abuse, and neglect messages in their subconscious that one day, as an adult, are going to come out and, uh, the thing that turns it on, the moment that turns it on, uh, is some big, strenuous, scary, uh, uh, death of a father, uh, a big move. All kinds of things that happen in life can set it off.

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> Larry Belata>Uh, and when it sets off, this person changes their personality. So for years, I've talked to people who had a spouse who collapsed into this midlife crisis, and what they phrase is, this is not the woman I married. This is not the man I married.

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> Larry Belata>That's their phrase that they say over and over again.

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> Larry Belata>And the reason they say that is because the personality they used to have is gone. And now this new personality is there that they do not understand. And so that's really what chaos kids is really focused on.

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> Speaker A>Well, another topic that you teach is the invisible lifestyle. So kind of tell us what that is. And talk about how that how that, uh, goes into betrayal.

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> Speaker A>Betrayal.

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> Larry Belata>So the invisible lifestyle is a way of life. Or a style of living.

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> Larry Belata>That reflects the values of a person or group. So that's a dictionary definition of an invisible lifestyle. Uh, I call it invisible because it's actually talking about lifestyle. A way of life or style of living. That reflects the values of a person or group. So what is the person or group?

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> Larry Belata>It's the parents. And when the parents have a lifestyle, there's values in there.

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> Larry Belata>Values are things like, uh, this is how we finish our food. This is how we keep our promises. This is how we do what we say we're going to do. Uh, and so all those promises, all those messages. Are lifestyle values that are in the subconscious.

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> Larry Belata>So a person who's raised on my chaos to purpose scale. So I have a chaos to purpose scale. I talk about it all the time. Uh, the reason I do talk about it all the time. Is because I need to find out where people are on the scale. Uh, ten, nine and eight are called the purpose area. And that's where parents love, uh, each other and love the kids. And they teach the kids.

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> Larry Belata>And so that's purpose. And that's a great place to be raised. So when you're raised there, you think everybody's raised there? Well, everybody's not raised there. So then from there, we have seven, six, five down the scale. That's called the twilight zone. And the twilight zone is where the parents don't really raise you. And the reason they don't raise you. Is because they're busy with their own lives. Trying to figure their life out. And so their kids kind of get in the way. And so in that lifestyle, they're not really teaching you. They're not talking to you. They're really trying to just live their lives. And so what you have to do as a child is you have to figure out your life. You have to figure out what's right. How does this place work? What, uh, do you have to do? And you're doing that as a kid. And so, as a kid, you're figuring out in between, uh, birth and ten years old. You're trying to figure out because what's happened. The parents have, uh, stepped into their own lives. They're really not raising you because they're not talking. You're in the twilight zone.

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> Larry Belata>So that's where you raise yourself. And then 5678-954-3210 that's, uh, the world of chaos. And so what's happening at five down to zero. You're increasing levels of abandonment, abuse and neglect.

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> Larry Belata>So what the invisible lifestyle is doing is saying, what is the value that runs me? How do I deal with conflict? How do I deal with money? How do I deal with, uh, eating? How do I deal with, uh, friends? How do I deal with all these things? Those are all lifestyle values. And the reason I call it invisible is because nobody can see the values. They're so close to it, they can't see it. So that's why it's called the invisible lifestyle. So I teach, uh, uh, I have different modules in my course, and one of them is called the invisible lifestyle because that's where you learn about how the parents are. And so when you learn about how the parents are, you learn the messages the parents gave you.

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> Larry Belata>And when you learn those messages, you start realizing, oh, yeah, I am living on that value.

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> Larry Belata>I am living on that belief. I'm living on that because I got it from my parents. I have my mother from my father, and I'm still living it, and, uh, I don't even know I'm doing it. So that's why it's called invisible.

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> Speaker A>Okay, tell us about some of the red flags that you can look at or look for to see if your spouse or partner is going through a midlife crisis.

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> Larry Belata>So what happens in the midlife crisis, uh, is there's a very perfectly normal life, and you have normal, uh, relationships. You have whatever you had. That's what's going up to you.

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> Larry Belata>So a person married 15, uh, years, 20 years, uh, 25 years, 27 years, they're living a life that they think will always be that way. M and why shouldn't they think that it's always going to be that way?

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> Larry Belata>Because contained in that person they married is abandonment, abuse, and neglect.

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> Larry Belata>And you don't know how traumatic that is because you weren't there in those years. So there it is. It's down there. Uh, and the messages are, uh, what a person normally is doing is they're bucking the messages. They're trying to resist the messages. That's why I call it a bucker. They're bucking the messages they were given. And so when a person's a bucker, and this is typically the beginning of midlife crisis, they're literally fighting what they're given.

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> Larry Belata>So what they're given is they're given ideas from the parents. Uh, uh, you're so stupid. You're not important. You don't matter. Uh, your brother's better. All kinds of messages like that.

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> Larry Belata>So they're in there, and the people are treating them up to the midlife crisis start. They're treating them like, oh, that's a memory that happened in the past. That's far, far behind me, 20 years, 30 years ago. They don't think that's going to be anything. But what they don't realize is the messages are in the mind, and in the mind, they are still alive.

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> Larry Belata>They're still there, they're still reacting.

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> Larry Belata>So what happens to a bucker is the messages turn on and try to tell the person to do something that dad did or mom did. And when the message turns on, it tells the person who, who's a bucker to do something. The prophet bucker says, stop not doing that. And so what? The first thing they do is they reject it. Second thing they do is say, I'm doing this instead. And now what they do instead is they borrow a value. So we see this very quickly, uh, in, uh, Christianity, people with christian values, they're borrowing values of Christianity that are very, very good. And they're borrowing to them temporarily because they don't own them. They don't own the values because they weren't given to them in the first ten years.

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> Larry Belata>And since they don't own the values, they're just kind of borrowing them. And they take them for a little while and they start to do things that look really good. They sound really good. They say things that sound really good, and it sounds like they have the value, but they don't have the value. They're borrowing the value. So that's the big difference for midlife crisis people, because when they go into that midlife crisis, what's happening is they're fighting the messages in their minds over and over and over again. So stop. I'm not doing that. I'm doing this instead.

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> Larry Belata>And then they have to act it out. So three steps over and over again.

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> Larry Belata>123123. And they're doing it again, again and again.

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> Larry Belata>So the spouse that marries them does not know that they're bucking. They don't know that they're fighting these messages from childhood. They just think they're wonderful. They're just charismatic and kind and loving and everything. But why are they doing that? Because they're bucking the messages, and they're fighting and fighting and fighting. So when I finally meet people who are in this situation of being married to a midlife crisis person, I find out they were virtually always bucking. They had been bucking for years. I don't want to be like my father. Don't want to be like. That's the sound of buckets. That's what they sound like. I don't want to be like my mother. I'm not going to be like, not going to measure. Right. They're very determined.

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> Larry Belata>So when this person tells me they were so good, they were so wonderful, so what they do is they lament the loss of that personality, because what's been replacing that personality is the personality of somebody they don't know. And it could have a lot of qualities of the father they had, the mother they had. Uh, the word narcissist is used a lot. There's books written over and over again on narcissism. Right. Well, what is a narcissist person? That's a person who comes from a narcissism person who made a narcissist to build those messages in there. And so what a bucker was doing is fighting it. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be that way.

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> Larry Belata>Well, they can't fight forever. They can't keep bucking forever. And so what they do is they finally get tired and they collapse.

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> Larry Belata>And that's what happens to buckers. They keep on fighting until they can't fight anymore. And then they go through this big change, this big transformation change. So in the world of, uh, pop culture and society and, uh, counseling and so on, there's a lot of people that don't even believe that midlife crisis is real. Uh, uh, it's like what appears to be a joke, like, the man who buys the sports car. The, uh, man who buys the sports car is not the midlife crisis. What, uh, that's a symbol of is I need to try and grab something in the world that I wasn't allowed.

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> Larry Belata>I wasn't allowed to have the sports car. I wasn't allowed to climb mountains. I wasn't allowed to skate. I wasn't allowed to drink. Uh, and so all this suppression is down there, and now it's all released. And so they're doing things they never did.

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> Larry Belata>And so that's what the midlife crisis symbol is, the man with the sports car. But that's not it. It's deeper than that because it has to do with messages in the mind.

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> Speaker A>Okay. Speaking of not wanting to be like your mother or father, do you feel like infidelity can be inherited from your parents?

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> Larry Belata>So what I found, uh, as I continue to interview people over the years, I kind of call it the cheating gene. It's not a gene, by the way, because that's my nickname for it. Uh, when a father, uh, is unfaithful and he cheats on his wife, uh, that's what they call it. They call it cheating. But really what it is, it's I'm not loyal to you, I'm married, but I'm having this other relationship at the same time. So what is that? That's a wrong minded idea. A wrong minded idea is I can get somebody else to make me happy while I'm married to this other person in terms of commitment. So I don't keep that commitment because my values don't tell me to keep that commitment. My values tell me I can have anything I want when I want it. And so I could walk away from this relationship. I can go into that relationship. I can text and I can call and I can visit and I can have affairs. That's a wrong minded idea. And why is there a wrong minded idea?

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> Larry Belata>There's because they're living in their wrong mind.

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> Larry Belata>And so wrong minded ideas are things like worry and anger and doubt and anxiety and guilt, resentment. Ah, those are wrong minded ideas. Right minded ideas are like, uh, words like joy and kindness and beauty, encouragement and thoughtful and gratitude and forgiveness. Those are right minded ideas. So if we look at wrong minded ideas as a collection, we've got all kinds of words that are wrong minded, wrong minded ideas.

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> Larry Belata>And so those pile those up on the wrong minded stack and there might be like a thousand words there. And then the right minded ideas that, ah, I was talking about joy, kindness, beauty, all those words are really good and you can look them up and find their definitions. And so those are ideas of the right mind. So what we're doing is we're going between the wrong minded list and the right minded list. And we're going back and forth, we're going to raw minded ideas we have. And so what does this look like in the world? In the world a person's going to church, right minded idea. And then a person's going to a gambling place. Uh, wrong minded idea. Then they go to, uh, uh, uh, a study group, a Bible study group, let's say. And then they leave there and they go, uh, to meet somebody and have an affair. Right. So what is that? Wrong minded, right minded. And they're going back and forth. And so people are doing this all the time. So I asked the question, uh, when I talked to an individual, if you think about wrong minded, right minded ideas in the last two weeks of your life, what percent were you in? Wrong minded ideas. And what percent were you in? Right minded ideas. And so they'll think about now that they know what it is, they'll say, oh, I say, is it 50 50? Is it 80 20? Is it 90 ten? How do you split your time in the wrong minded life and your time in the right minded life? And they'll say something like, um, 80 20. So 80 in the wrong mind, 20 in the right mind. So why do they say that? Because they realize that the wrong mind is really a thing and they're really in it, and they're not happy and they don't like themselves. And so they're confused. Why? Because they're moving between the wrong mind and the right mind. So that's what everybody's doing. They're all trying to get out of the wrong mind and into the right mind. But they don't know what. They're not calling it anything. They're not calling it moving from the wrong mind to the right mind. Uh, but that's what people are doing when they're in affairs. That's what they're doing when they're being unfaithful. They're going from wrong minded ideas to right minded ideas. Uh, and so then I hear stories of, like, the wife catches the husband or the husband catches the wife.

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> Larry Belata>And when they catch them, they get really upset because they don't know what to do.

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> Larry Belata>Because they, like, unfaithfulness is not something they expected or asked for. Like, how could you do this to me? Right?

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> Larry Belata>And so then they beg and they borrow and they cry and they plead, right? They do all the wrong things, right. Because they're going between wrong minded and right minded ideas.

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> Larry Belata>So when you think about this as a wrong minded, right minded and wrong minded is where cheating is. Wrong minded is where unfaithful is. Wrong minded is not loyal and not caring and not thinking about this other person.

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> Larry Belata>And, uh, so what we have is people who are afraid of conflict. And because they hate conflict so much, they want to find a way to just get to the pleasure of a relationship without dealing with conflict. So why don't they tell the spouse that they're wanting to leave the marriage?

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> Larry Belata>Because what happens? I hear this over and over and over again.

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> Larry Belata>The person just says, well, they got caught.

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> Larry Belata>I, uh, guess I gotta fess up. And, well, I never loved you. Right? Why did you tell me you never loved you? What? You told me you loved me. I have cards and I have proof. Right? I have photos.

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> Larry Belata>Right? I have everything that says you love me. Well, I never really loved you. Ah. Why are you saying this? Why are you saying you never really loved me?

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> Larry Belata>Everything you said was, everything you did was that you loved me. How could that happen? Because when we think about wrong minded ideas, everything in the wrong mind is wrong.

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> Larry Belata>Everything about the wrong mind is distorted.

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> Larry Belata>It's twisted because that's really the life of the ego.

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> Larry Belata>That's where the wrong mind is. The wrong mind is in the ego. And so the ego talks to you, and it distorts you and makes you believe all kinds of twisted things. That's why people don't talk to the person they're married to and say, I don't feel what I used to feel, and bring that up at a time when there's no conflict. Bring that up at a time when they actually can say something. I can actually say, I used to feel this way, but I don't feel this way anymore, and I don't know why.

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> Larry Belata>Right? I'm in my wrong mind. I don't know why that is, but that's the reason why betrayal and disloyalty and all those words, all those wrong minded words are taking us to those relationships.

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> Speaker A>So what's the biggest advice you can give somebody who has been betrayed by a spouse or a partner?

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> Larry Belata>Well, so the midlife crisis, uh, is a good, uh, way to explain what's happening to them.

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> Larry Belata>And, uh, so what's the midlife crisis? The midlife crisis is a place where the personality changes. So, uh, if we separate the midlife crisis from just a person who's not feeling the feeling anymore, uh, one of the things that happens in the midlife crisis is the personality is in a complete transformation.

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> Larry Belata>That means the things they used to love, the things they used to protect, the things they used to defend, are not being defended anymore. And now they're going to them. They're choosing them. Right.

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> Larry Belata>I didn't used to smoke, but now I'm smoking. I didn't used to hang out with young friends, but now I am.

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> Larry Belata>I didn't used to hang around with people who were divorced, but now I am. So all the things I didn't like, I'm going towards. And that's one of the big signs of a midlife crisis. If you never did it, now you're doing it. That's very midlife crisis life. And this is now opposed to a person who's just not in love anymore.

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> Larry Belata>Uh, because people hate conflict so much, they don't want to bring up that I don't love you. They don't want to say and do all the issues involved with, like, I spent 25 years with you, but now I don't feel anything anymore. Uh, so what's a good way to illustrate this is women who are attracted to soft hearted men. This is a really famous thing. Happens a lot, women, uh, who are attracted to soft hearted men when they're young, by the way. So a woman finds a guy that's really soft hearted. He's really kind, and he's really a very big relationship person. And he's just very sensitive. And so she finds him very attractive when she's 25, when she's 30. But the older she gets, the more she starts to see, wait a minute. I don't want a soft hearted man. I want a man with strength.

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> Larry Belata>I want a man with conviction. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man who can lead me.

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> Larry Belata>I want that. So she's getting older, and what she's wanting is strength.

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> Larry Belata>She wanted softness in the beginning, but now she wants strength. Well, uh, okay, so a man that's married to her is a soft hearted man. That's how she met him.

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> Larry Belata>He was soft hearted then, and, uh, he's soft hearted still today. It's 25, 30 years later.

00:26:49.923 --> 00:27:12.930
> Larry Belata>Why has she made the switch? She made the switch because she wanted to move from what she was attracted to originally to what she wants today. And what she wants today is strength. Well, a soft hearted man is not a strong man. He's not a man who's decisive. He's not a man who's confident. He's not a man who calls the shots and says, this is the way that is. And we're not m doing that. We're doing this instead. That's a lot of confidence.

00:27:13.082 --> 00:27:27.057
> Larry Belata>A soft hearted man is not like that. A soft hearted man is just tender and caring and nurturing. So she's very discontent with him. So that's a typical version of a switch that's made. Why is the switch made?

00:27:27.185 --> 00:28:08.263
> Larry Belata>Because she started to love the soft hearted man, and now she wants strength. And she made that change and deniva rule. She made it. She made that change of her love. Right. So what's she doing? She's attracted to any man with any sign of strength, and now she starts to move toward the man with strength because she doesn't love the soft hearted man anymore. She doesn't want soft hearted in her life. She wants confidence and boldness and strength and all that strong stuff. So she starts switching partners, and that's another thing, like a betrayal thing right there. But that's the motivation behind it.

00:28:10.284 --> 00:28:19.943
> Speaker A>So, uh, last question here. What's the best approach if your partner or spouse says that they want a divorce and, uh, what should be avoided?

00:28:21.163 --> 00:28:29.516
> Larry Belata>Okay, so, uh, what happens, uh, when you get the surprise, okay, for what? The reason is this person changed what they wanted.

00:28:29.660 --> 00:28:40.703
> Larry Belata>They don't want you anymore. They don't want your ways and your values and so on. They just don't see those anymore because that can have something to do with the way they were raised. And the message is in their own minds.

00:28:40.980 --> 00:28:58.743
> Larry Belata>Uh, but what's the best thing to do? The, uh, best thing to do is to allow, because what happened, a switch was made, and now this person doesn't want you anymore, and that's a rejection. So what's got to happen first is you've got to grieve the loss of that person.

00:28:59.443 --> 00:29:59.917
> Larry Belata>So one of the things I talk about in the loss of that person is I talk about, uh, if your husband or your wife took, uh, on mental illness. Mental illness is, ooh, we don't even know understand anything about that, but let's imagine that. That the husband was or the wife was brought to a mental institution, and this person in a white coat comes and sees you and says, well, uh, your spouse is going to be, uh, uh, in a very, very difficult place right now. But, uh, what you do when you come to visit them, um, you have to realize that you're losing them. You're losing them because their mind is not the same. And so their mind is not the same. And so what you've got to do is you've got to, um, mourn the loss and you've got to accept more in the loss and accept, and that's the best thing to do because that's what happened. So if some. If your husband went into a mental institution, you lost that person.

00:30:00.086 --> 00:30:03.086
> Larry Belata>You lost that person because their mind isn't there anymore.

00:30:03.230 --> 00:30:14.023
> Larry Belata>Because their mind isn't there anymore. Now all you have is happy memories. Now all you got to do. Uh, and this is not an easy thing or a good thing at all.

00:30:14.390 --> 00:31:15.074
> Larry Belata>Um, but the fastest way to get onto some version of a life is to mourn the loss of the person who doesn't love you anymore because they're mentally ill. And that's actually a good way to see, uh, if your spouse is in a midlife crisis, they're in mental illness now because they don't acknowledge that you're the person you used to be. So, because that's such a big, dramatic, painful thing, uh, that's really calling for mourning. It's just like when a person dies. When, uh, a person dies, what's happening? There's a rope that ties you. There's like. Let's call it a rope, and, like, a big ocean going rope, right? What's a rope made of? A big ocean rope that ties ships to docks, right? It's lots and lots of small strings. And so what happens is, you have to loosen all the strands. That's what mourning is. The mourning is the loss of that person that you loved and are connected to with all those strands of love that now have to be let go. Uh, they have to be unraveled.

00:31:15.193 --> 00:31:37.869
> Larry Belata>And as they unravel, you start to lose your connection to them. And so what's that doing to you that's starting to release you from the connection to that commitment, to. To that involvement, to that history, to all the stuff that you had, that that person is. They used to be there, and now they're not there anymore. So that's why it calls for a mourning process.

00:31:38.021 --> 00:32:22.394
> Larry Belata>You know, we all know what mourning is. We don't like it. It's, uh, not something we like. But mourning is a, uh, thing that you have to go through. You have to let go all the strands of the rope that attached you, because if you try to hold on to those strands, you put yourself in a very, very difficult place because it's very painful to be trying to attach something that isn't there. So that's a, uh, big consideration of the best thing to do. The worst thing to do is to fight, to beg, to plead, to write letters, to try to hold on to the strands of what you held onto. In the old days, a lot of people struggle with that. Holding onto those strands, but letting them go is the best thing to do.

00:32:23.594 --> 00:32:32.294
> Speaker A>So to close it out, basically tell people about your course, uh, throw out your contact information so they can take advantage of it if they want to.

00:32:32.634 --> 00:32:38.529
> Speaker A>And just kind of let us know about anything else that you have upcoming that people need to know about.

00:32:38.642 --> 00:32:44.321
> Larry Belata>Okay, so, uh, the place to go is save my marriage.

00:32:44.377 --> 00:33:09.193
> Larry Belata>Now, uh, savemymarriagenow.com is the place where, uh, I have, uh, a lot of, uh, the programs and the things that I talk about and the things I teach, they're all there at save my marriagenow. Also, uh, larrybillada.com. So between larrybilata.com and savemymarriagenow.com, that's really the place to, uh, get the stuff that's in Larry's world.

00:33:13.134 --> 00:33:20.953
> Speaker A>Okay, we'll close this out with some final thoughts, maybe if that was something I forgot to talk about that you would like to touch on, or just any final thoughts you have for the listeners.

00:33:21.814 --> 00:34:55.635
> Larry Belata>So what we're talking about is, we're talking about a relationship. What is a relationship? A relationship is a thing that you enter with another person, and you want that person to give you the things that you didn't get in childhood. The things you didn't get in childhood. And when I talk about the chaos to purpose scale, the chaos to purpose scale was, what's the purpose side? Purpose side is where you get the things you needed. You get the love of a father, the love of a mother. You get to see what a great relationship looks like. You get to see mom and dad loving each other. And that's the picture of purpose. They raise you with a purpose, and when you have a purpose, you have it for the rest of your life. And so all the most successful, and I'm not talking about the people who came from chaos, talk about the people who came from chaos, from purpose. People who came from purpose, uh, have all the messages of success in their minds, in their subconscious minds. And when you have those messages of success, you're already very successful. You do things that just work for you because you were given a message of purpose, and that's a great thing to have. But if you didn't have a message of purpose, that's what Larry Bellada's world is about, dealing with people who didn't get a purpose home. And so the people who got a purpose home, if they marry a person for chaos, that creates a whole relationship that is full of difficulty and hardship, because they now are loving a person with completely different values.

00:34:55.820 --> 00:35:04.579
> Larry Belata>So if that's happened to you and that's a place where I specialize, that's, uh, something you want to seek me out and find out.

00:35:04.731 --> 00:35:13.164
> Larry Belata>Well, I was raised in a chaos home. I was married to a purpose kid. Right? So that's where you start talking about that kind of language.

00:35:14.264 --> 00:35:17.164
> Larry Belata>But, uh, there's always a way.

00:35:17.744 --> 00:35:20.344
> Larry Belata>So that's what I want to leave you with. There's always a way.

00:35:20.503 --> 00:35:49.804
> Larry Belata>So that's a message that I have said to myself for years, there is always a way. And what does that mean? That's an idea that says, there is always an answer to everything. There's always an answer. Even though you don't see it. You don't even know it exists when you say the idea there is always a way, you get a hopeful message that I'm going to find where the answer is. Somewhere I'm going to find it. I don't know where it's going to be found, but it doesn't matter where it's going to be found.

00:35:49.884 --> 00:35:55.023
> Larry Belata>It's going to come to me. There is always a way and that keeps you going.

00:35:57.164 --> 00:36:18.356
> Speaker A>Ladies and gentlemen. There's always, uh, a way. So if you know of anybody that can be of use, uh, of Larry's services, go to save my marriagenow.com larrybalata.com. Please be sure to follow rate review share this episode to as many people as possible. If you have any guests or suggestion topics, see Jackson 10 two.

00:36:18.539 --> 00:36:31.864
> Speaker A>Net is the place to send them. Jump on your favorite podcast app. Give us a review. Hit that follow button. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting the show. And Larry, thank you for joining us and sharing your expertise.

00:36:32.224 --> 00:36:34.244
> Larry Belata>Thanks for doing what you're doing. Curtis.

00:36:34.903 --> 00:36:43.135
> Speaker A>For more information on the living the Dream podcast, visit www.djcurvefall.com.

00:36:43.159 --> 00:36:47.496
> Speaker A>Until next time, stay focused on living the dream.

00:36:47.559 --> 00:36:47.744
> Larry Belata>Dream.